So we chattered a bit offline. Definitely, the last two scenes together don't work well and Sasuke's seem feels like it comes too early, both from a time perspective and from a how soon the rivalry was. Chapter 7 gave the request, chapter 8 was him first acting on it and chapter 9 had a solid acknowledgement of him recognizing it had value. Chapter 10 having the gap in his heart closed feels too soon (effectively 3 scenes among the chapters), so would be something better to hold off on until later. Basically, succeeding in bonding to that level before they're even doing d-ranks seems too fast. At least I'm pretty sure we're still in discussion of their first d-rank to be done.
Was hoping to complete a full reread so I could catch any of the tone mismatches, but it didn't happen and it's getting late for a reply, so going through the chapter right now. I remember my first impression is it felt rough, and slightly off tone, but that was over a week ago, so let's roll and see how it feels on the second read. This'll be my first really sharp look through of a chapter, so apologies if I note things I hadn't even noticed before.
Scene 1:
Kekkei Genkai gets used a bunch throughout the work and seems to switch spellings between Kekkei Genkai and Kekei Genkai. You've got a couple of uses of the latter in 8 and 9, which is what caught my eye to something being strange there. There's a slightly different problem though in that you also use blood limit, which is the english translation of the same? Or at least, as far as I know. Is there some guideline you're using to switch between the English and Japanese usages of the concept? My kneejerk recommendation is to just do a find/replace on Kekkei Genkai and Kekei Genkai to be bloodline limit or blood limit (or do the reverse if you want to keep that a Japanese term, but I think it doesn't benefit the work).
Seems almost a missed opportunity to show off Sakura having a strength of observation when Shino and Shikimaru are asking what gave them away. Sure, Hinata gave it away, but twice now in her presence Shikimaru has given an excuse for why 'not' to hang out with Naruto. She's watched him have hundreds of clones out while focusing, so she could easily be mentally thinking of that, or even slyly note they're not as subtle as they think they are. I mention mainly because as a thinker, Sakura has few enough opportunities to look good, and its a good lead in for the later part of the scene. They really weren't as subtle as they thought they were being, being genin, and its a good learning opportunity too.
Quote"His henge is off, and he's got a ton of chakra, for one,"
This is something that Sakura has realized and Hinata probably knows, but should actually be news to the rest of them and interesting news too. Shikimaru should probably ask how his Henge is off, since at this point it probably appears like he has the best henge of the team... but unless someone else was touching him henged, they wouldn't know it was actually solid like it was. A simple probe that shouldn't get much screen time, but is strange in its absence.
QuoteIn any case, if Naruto does not know of this place, he would not have intentionally chosen the design."
This is actually a challenge I think you're inheriting from canon. It's a really good question why Naruto has any sign of Uzushiogakure on him or anywhere in his residence. It's certainly not very ninjaly to have him marked with that detail and he's not an educated enough individual to think about it. A lot of work did go into making him a non-obvious person to target, so in the context of this more competent Konoha, it's a hard question: Why is he marked with a seal. Perhaps unknown to them, it's a simple sense of sentiment by the Hokage. He knows its the wrong action, but he gives him some things with the seal to give him some sense of greater cultural belonging. I dunno, that might not be the right answer, but it's probably important to think on what one might be as it may influence how folks interact with it. Or I might be overthinking it.
Quote"Um, no, there was no husband listed.... Um, she wasn't married, she had a nickname,
Hinata makes an interesting logic leap. "she wasn't married". I suppose its easy enough to make, but is it a worthwhile one to have? Isn't it enough to have the first and third statements? Or maybe its reflecting a cultural thing: Husband would be listed on death certificate? Strange to picture at least. Oh, you cover it in a few lines with Surviving Family. Nevermind~.
Quote"It...." Shikamaru trailed off and looked at Sakura with a frown. The blonde girl had gone white as a sheet at that nickname for some reason. "
Oh noes, Ino is posessing Sakura! Run everybody. ...I mean, Sakura's hair is pink. There are no blonde girls there :)
Quoteundoubtedly he was reconsidering his previous classification of the girl's abilities.
This is stunning. Library nerd is useful! ...wait. No she isn't~. :3 That's just a bunshin. Naruuuto~. :) Silliness. Skip comment.
Chapter opens fine. It's sort of strange read on its own, being that its a sharp continuation of scene from the last one and has no context within the chapter. Nominally a fine technique, though a little weird in that it's the first chapter to do that, instead of starting with a fresh scene. I wonder vaguely if it might not be more interesting to swap the first and second scenes. Make us wait a touch. But then it becomes awkward since the scene is taking just a continuation of the last. Mmm, dunno, but I point out its difference.
Scene 2:
Someone already commented on Jiraiya's name. Stupid names. :P
I like the opener on this scene. I also really like competent Jiraiya and body-guard protected Hokage. Strongest ninja in the village or not, it's strange that they generally don't have official bodyguard crews that do not leave them. I understand it from an animation point, but from a narrative point, it was always silly that there was ever a case where the village leader could end up fighting on his own. *eyes the chuunin exam* Ever.
Hum. Still, something feels odd, and I think I'll comment about it in scene 3. Scene 2's only real lack is the lack of well...awareness on the very last moment. What's the point of a privacy seal that can be violated so easily by just shoving oneself through an entrance? Mmm. I know it's supposed to fold quick so we can get onto it... hmm. And I see it gives a false display of what's going on...or stops when the seal was activated? It's both a cool thing up Jiraiya's style, and feels like it needs more. It's set up early that sealwork is a very estoric art these days and the existing examples are pretty awesome, so it seems like it should've required something more (Possibly even just Jiraiya deciding he needed to dismiss it since Tsunade was RIGHT THERE, WATCHING THE FAKE SCENE AND LOOKING PISSED OFF).
TL;DR: Jiraiya should get even cooler sealwork because he's Jiraiya :3
Scene 3:
Quote
Until meeting Tsunade personally, Kakashi had never taken Anko for the 'cute and cuddly' type. When he mentioned it in a grumbling observation, carefully well outside of the sannin's earshot, Anko's snorted reply was to explain, "I'm only an A-rank missing bitch; I gotta admit she's out of my league. Us lesser bastards and whatnot have to stick together, right?"
The missing-nin style adjective of course doesn't fit, but it works without it. The cute and cuddly bit...I'm not sure was set up? Ah, I guess its just a minor mention :) I just waver a bit since it seems like Telling over Showing. In none of the scenes do we really get to see this going on yet, and Anko's last scene was her having a bitch-off with Tsunade. And winning, because that was awesome. :3
Hmm, giving that there's no tsunade perspective, we the readers lack awareness that she's spotted something important from superfar away. It'd kind of would be nice to have a foreshadow, but I guess it gets covered pretty soon anyway.
As I grumbled a bit, it just seemed too...non-aware to deal with the seal. Maybe it is to accent Tsunade's competence, but it just feels a bit weird given the lead up that Jiraiya's privacy seal basically fell over against a kick to the door. I guess I'm saying the high level ninja play going on here is almost too subtle?
QuoteAnko obligingly offered, "Tsunade wasn't going to come, so be bribed her to appear by paying off her gambling debts."
we or he instead of 'be bribed'.
I like how Sarutobi shoots down Danzo in this scene.
Scene 4:
Danzo, the whining sigher. Still, I can't blame him. Rereading Tsunade's section really is sort of a messed up tale with lots of stupid problems with it.
Good setup for later scenes :) Though, admittingly, it is a bit odd that Danzo AND the other two both managed to show up so soon. Danzo doing it I get (Root member notices Jiraiya coming in and then Danzo gets in place for spying with faux urgent business), but why would he have brought them along? Cover?
Scene 5:
So while I give points for having Tsunade speak in an educated form, I wasn't educated enough to follow her diagonosis without googling it. The main problem here is that Tsunade requires no motion whatsoever to diagonosis it. So the reader who doesn't know what that is doesn't have anything to guess with. You could handle with a post-script, but wouldn't it be more communicative to have her eyes do the talking? Narrowedly focusing on his chest to help communicate where the problem is?
A lot of the reasoning off of false assumptions on this scene is good stuff. Especially taking the strategist out of the picture so it's mostly being done by intrigue/technical specialists, the types to not turn the assumptions around.
It makes for a strange tone to the scene, but very much communicates a competent ninja society that even under two layers of secrecy and with all experts there, they are still subtle about what they're communicating, specifically on identities.
Scene 6:
Mmm. Actually, really I think this set of scenes is unique, in as much as it's the only time so far that a continuous time event has been broken up in motivation so far. Perhaps that makes it feel different? Mmm, dunno. The breaks seem sound for anticipation and technically it seems right. But maybe that's what feels rough? I feel that's a wrong guess, but just trying to put my finger on it.
QuoteShikamaru looked singularly unimpressed.
So both Shino and Hinata looked impressed? Mmm, I dunno, just seemed an odd turn of phrase there.
Quote"We need to be rational about this," he warned, frowning intently. "Look-- We just said Naruto knows an S-rank secret that's not supposed to get out. So unless he's somehow got two of them on him, he already knows."
Shikimaru and Shino both actually have enough information to reasonably deduce that this is the case based on what they've seen on screen. Namingly, the very first thing that drew them to knowing there was an S-Rank secret: Saizo acting strangely unfriendly to Naruto. Taking the assumption that the S-rank secret is his heritage, then that doesn't make sense that Saizo would act that way knowing that. Minato was the hero of the village after all. This would actually be a very cool bit of deducation, and also discarded information since they realize: What they did was Wrong, they don't act on figuring out that there's another one. But they do figure it out.
Hinata's reaction is good to the details. Shikimaru's feels...delayed. I like what you have going on: "Shit, I didn't trust my friend and now 4 of us know a secret we shouldn't that could cause him to be hunted or killed." It feels like this could use an earlier facial expression in the scene. Shino might not have looped to the deeper play, but Shikimaru is clearly already doing it, even if he hasn't explained it to his friends. If he hadn't realized at least that depth, he wouldn't be stopping Hinata's rush to share.
Quote"Well ... if Hinata was right, for some reason Akimichi-san wanted Hinata to figure this out," Sakura said slowly. "But why?"
Actually, it seems right that they'd see this as strange. It is an S-rank secret, or at least they have reason to buy it'd be that level of secret. No one comments that it was mere chance of Sakura knowing an extremely obscure fact that just happened to be listed that let them make that leap. So not only had they done something wrong, but managed to learn something dangerous with it too. Shikimaru might not notice, given a reasonable belief that his dad is super awesome that way, but it'd be a nice insight for Shino to make.
Scene 7:
Nice continuation of Competent Jonins. I like.
Quotehe made a note to discuss that with Kurenai later
On one hand, I agree with what Anko said earlier. On the other hand, they're trying to raise elite ninjas. Having them not regularly learning new techniques always seemed a very wasteful thing in canon, and what else was Kurenai supposed to do there? "I see you have already mastered my lesson plan for the next week or two, so...sit there and watch?" Shunshin really seems to more and more be a canon basic move, if past the academy level. If anything, it really is a good opening for a discussion on: Okay, what side lessons can we have prepared when people move past the current class point. It's delivered that all of the teachers are capable of doing more than one lesson at once through kage bunshin. Holding folks excelling in an area back is no more a good result for their goals as is having one or two leap far ahead of where they should be.
Quote"There really is more than one big secret on him," Shikamaru sighed.
I complain and since I'm doing a fresh read, I forget that you have already had them puzzle it out. Mmm. At the same time, it seems like it'd be better to have the kids section as one scene and the jonin response as another. I guess its splitting because Sakura was the main 'voice' for the last scene, and now its Asuma. Still, seems like it'd be smoother without the realization split in half across a scene marker.
Shikimaru's emotional reaction seems spot on but his actual insight into events seems...weird. The whole Trust banked thing seems strange. I'd almost suggest removing this line entirely:
Quote"So no matter what ... even if it's not soon, some day we're going to have to tell him the truth. I just want to stay on his good side, and have enough trust banked that he'll forgive me for it when it happens."
It leaves the emotional sting and the acknowledgement that they screwed up without the awkward forward vision that feels strange.
Asuma feels back and forth on what he knows when talking with Kurenai. He says he didn't know that, but the rest of the discussion seems to flow more smoothly if he did know that, and that was among the reasons he had a problem with Sarutobi's post-kyuubi handling of events. Though I guess, it falls out of the other secret well enough. Still, it feels... false?
Basically any ninja who's not in the know on secrets showing belated regret over how Naruto was treated who's not showing additional sympathy now comes across as "I was there and did nothing, and I realize this was wrong, and so I still do nothing." Which seems weird given the characters?
Eh I think I'm meandering and reading too much into the lines. Feel free to ignore the blathering.
Yay Kakashi's summons getting on screen time :)
Scene 8:
Nice canon note with the whole tea cermony thing. So weird to get my head around, but quite canon.
I really like this scene. It's sort of a world-building shame that there's a lack of other options in many of there areas though. Kakashi, Danzo, Jiraiya, Tsunade, Shikaku make up the entire short list of hokage candidates and for what's supposed to be a powerful ninja village, that's a pretty short list. But what can you do without adding in OCs? It's just part of the lack of original kishimoto world building. Frankly, you'd think in their environment, especially with the Hokage's age that there'd be a clear power transition set up. Any number of people could legitimately suggest it without even knowing about the heart attack or other problems, just because aside from the Iwa kage, Sarutobi has like 30+ years on any of his contemporaries.
Having reread the original take, I also note I like the interplay better between Tsunade and Jiraiya here than in canon. It was awkward and forced to plop down character traits in canon, whereas here it seems like an honest discussion on someone they both care about and should care about.
Scene 9:
As mentioned, it's a good scene, but it feels like it comes too soon. I'd save it for a later chapter. Possibly even after D-ranks get started.
Both are a little...clumsy with their "I'll give you x tech' type discussion. Though I guess its Sasuke talking about it. It's like discussing improving writing techniques by saying "Okay, I have a scroll of i after e except after c" instead of "I'll help you with grammar if you'll help me with emotional scenes." It feels too low-level a trade form instead of going "I'll let you share in my library of cool shit, and we'll help each other learn them."
Scene 10:
Quote"Oh," Naruto coughed out, as his eyes overflowed, tears streaming down his face. "S...stupid kyuubey...."
I see what you did there. If a demon eats Naruto's head, I will be disappoint.
The reaction here, which seems quite plausible, makes Shikimaru's early suspicion that I suggested dropping seem even more weird. Better that they feel like asses rather than verbalize how Naruto totally won't end up seeing them.
mmm, It does still feel a bit rough, but I like the hinata scene. It's sort of overshadowed by the cool Jiraiya/Tsunade scenes earlier but it does seem like a good end point.
Additional Notes:
It seems like a pity that Naruto is minimally in this chapter and that his infiltration efforts are skipped over (mentioned once in sasuke scene). Seems like that could be a fun scene to balance out the bam-bam-bam serious, serious, emotional, serious, serious type rhythm that most the chapter has.
I'm...not sure if I actually helped on the roughness. Hope these can help.