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Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

The Inn of Last Home...(^'o'^) => Creative Writing Section => Writing Section => Topic started by: Brian on September 05, 2013, 03:04:37 PM

Title: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: Brian on September 05, 2013, 03:04:37 PM
A little something inspired by recent discussions about tragedy and a few other things....

Yasumi-centric.
Title: Re: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: Arakawa on September 05, 2013, 07:34:10 PM
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QuoteOh, there were possibilities I might be needed again, but as par of my job, well ...

'as part of my job'?

Shorter than I expected. Sad that Yasumi is like this, but... I suppose capacity for changing enough to get over it is not something she was created with?

The question of why Haruhi would create someone with these kinds of feelings for a throwaway task is left unanswered.
Title: Re: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: Brian on September 05, 2013, 08:12:42 PM
Arakawa:

Spoiler: ShowHide
As discussed in IRC, the reason for Yasumi being that way is because she's copied from Haruhi's better attributes, generally.  I'll revise it a bit so she explicitly mentions that.
  Thanks for the feedback! :D
Title: Re: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PM
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Read this yesterday, but had not the time to post anything. I did want to huddle in the corner with my arms around my knees while rocking back and forth humming afterwards ... I somehow missed the Yasumi-centric mention in your original post, so I spent a bit trying to figure out whose perspective this was from (which worked well for this piece).


QuoteI could have a slight bias there, though. I mean, she loves him, so I do, too.
Hmm. Sounds somewhat like Koizumi...


QuoteI could vouch that she's right about it, even if she doesn't even know it.
More evidence that its Koizumi...

But then:
Quotesince I was made just for a purpose
QuoteSo even if I was made for a purpose, I had some extra perks
Perhaps Nagato?


QuoteSo even if I am a tool made for a job, I can do more.... I wonder if I was really the best designed tool for the job, though. What good does being in love do me? I'd be doing what I was made for regardless of my feelings, wouldn't I?
OK. definitely Nagato.

Then the next paragraph blew that out of the water.

Keep reading, then:
QuoteThis makes that sempai
Sounds like Kanae from ... Oh! Yasumi! Keep reading to make sure... (further quotes confirm this supposition).

If that was intended (even if not), well played.



I like the introspection taking place. I got a feeling of isolation - she knows all but is powerless to do anything outside her purpose. That existence would be quite frustrating:
QuoteHe's like me, though, and doesn't really have those choices, though he at least gets to think he does.
Ignorance is bliss in this case.



Some typos:

QuoteHow often can someone know that they love someone?
I missed this the first couple of read-throughs (I read these types of stories several times hoping to find an "out" for the protagonist), but is often the word you want here? Are you looking for a concept more like assuredness or confidence?


QuoteThere's an infinity of things that never even get that after all!
I like this from a poetic license point of view and reads well, so maybe leave it as is, but it should be "an infinite number of things."


Quotefull of unknown surprised
Surprises?


QuoteThe only exceptions were things that would make her happy, or save that sempai some trouble, and those things weren't allowed to utilize the power
I think this sentence would read better with dashes instead of commas. I stumbled though this each time I read it.




Need to go back and reread those last three volumes of canon.

Enjoyable for an introspective moment or two. I think maybe I'll go find that corner now.
Title: Re: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: Brian on September 06, 2013, 06:09:38 PM
Thank you for the feedback, Kitsune.

Spoiler: ShowHide
Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PMRead this yesterday, but had not the time to post anything. I did want to huddle in the corner with my arms around my knees while rocking back and forth humming afterwards ... I somehow missed the Yasumi-centric mention in your original post, so I spent a bit trying to figure out whose perspective this was from (which worked well for this piece).

Hmm, based on that, the story might be strengthened by intentionally leaving the protagonist unnamed until the end.  I think I'll do that when actually posting.

Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PMI like the introspection taking place. I got a feeling of isolation - she knows all but is powerless to do anything outside her purpose. That existence would be quite frustrating:
QuoteHe's like me, though, and doesn't really have those choices, though he at least gets to think he does.
Ignorance is bliss in this case.

That's what I was going for -- frustrating to the point of tragedy.  She was made for a simple purpose, and then discarded.

Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PMSome typos:

QuoteHow often can someone know that they love someone?
I missed this the first couple of read-throughs (I read these types of stories several times hoping to find an "out" for the protagonist), but is often the word you want here? Are you looking for a concept more like assuredness or confidence?

She's speaking statistically, as in, "How often does this happen?"  I guess I can say 'surely' and leave the statistic implied.

Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PM
QuoteThere's an infinity of things that never even get that after all!
I like this from a poetic license point of view and reads well, so maybe leave it as is, but it should be "an infinite number of things."

Yeah, I like the original too much. :p

Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PM
Quotefull of unknown surprised
Surprises?

Yesh, typo. :x

Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PM
QuoteThe only exceptions were things that would make her happy, or save that sempai some trouble, and those things weren't allowed to utilize the power
I think this sentence would read better with dashes instead of commas. I stumbled though this each time I read it.

Easily done!


Quote from: KitsuneHerikawa on September 06, 2013, 03:13:47 PMNeed to go back and reread those last three volumes of canon.

Enjoyable for an introspective moment or two. I think maybe I'll go find that corner now.

Thank you for the feedback.  It's not a super happy piece, but it'd been bouncing around the last few days, so....
Title: Re: [Haruhi][Tragedy?] Fleeting
Post by: KitsuneHerikawa on September 09, 2013, 01:13:02 PM
QuoteShe's speaking statistically, as in, "How often does this happen?"  I guess I can say 'surely' and leave the statistic implied.
OK, got that now. Actually, now that I have the correct perspective, the use of often seems stronger.   
QuoteIt's not a super happy piece
I like the occasional story that gets the thought process into areas that maybe I'd rather not go, but my mind will fight me every inch of the way. That's likely why my thoughts on tragic pieces tend toward finding a dangling detail that could provide an out for the main character. You sealed Yasumi up pretty tight here, though. The result was some heavy philosophical moments these last few days along the lines of the reasons for life, whether we are really in control, and other ineffable concepts. Hence my corner.   
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