Ph33r.
Well, no. This chapter's longer. Longer = I took more time on it. More time = better than first chapter.
Chapter 2: The Trap
Disclaimers: The usual.
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The world was at war. Well, at least that was what it felt like. People cowered in their homes as plasma cannons thundered in the streets, mothers covered their children's ears as screams and curses rang out, explosions rocked buildings' foundations, metal boots crushed broken glass as they marched past in military formation.
Zero flicked his Z-sabre and watched as the blood on it sprayed out in a fine arc. He sighed tiredly and looked at his unit, who were sprawled on the ground and in various positions of repose on the concrete debris. They had been fighting since yesterday afternoon, and it was almost past noon today. His unit was in charge of taking care of refugees and clearing the way for them, leading them to safety where a train waitied for them with food and medical attention. Right now he and his unit were taking a breather, watching over the area for any more attacks.
As Zero looked at the refugees, a sorry bunch, chidren crying and parents too tired and hurt to take care of them, he felt the slow burn of anger that had been smoldering inside since yesterday flare up. Why did Mavericks target humans? Why cause so much destruction just for a bit of fun? Did they enjoy the pain and suffering they caused, the sick bastards? If X were here, he would wipe away those children's tears with the gentleness that only he had and make them feel all better. Really, he had a gift. . . Zero pushed those thoughts away, because thinking of his best friend hurt too much. Three weeks. Three weeks since the war broke out, he had been missing with no news of his whereabouts. Signas had his hands too full with deploying units and taking care of other matters to bother in searching anymore.
An explosion broke him out of his thoughts and he whipped his head in the direction in which it had come from. A woman's screaming spurred him into action and he started running to the sound. His unit had sprung to their feet since the first noise, but he waved them back. "Stay here!" he shouted. "Protect the refugees, I'm going ahead." Ignoring their protests he leaped a tall pile of debris and was gone.
A tired-looking woman caught the attention of a reploid soldier. "Is he going there all alone?" she asked incredulously. The reploid soldier smiled at her. "Don't worry about him, ma'am. Zero can take care of himself, believe me."
Zero dodged around a burned out shell of a hovercar to see a woman kneeling in front of a burning store and sobbing hysterically. Obviously her home was the story above the store, and it was disappearing before her eyes. Zero saw movement in the corner of his eyes and turned his head to see a band of Mavericks fleeing the scene, racous laughter ringing out. Hatred and anger burned hotter than the fire and Zero was about to run after them and wreak destructive justice to them when the woman cried out, "My children!"
Zero looked at the raging inferno with dread. No one could survive that. "My children. . . please!" the woman sobbed. She had her tearful face turned to Zero with her hands clasped, begging him. She was so desperate that she didn't care if he was a Maverick or not. Zero stood there, undecided, when a random thought ocurred to him. X would've gone in, inferno or not. Zero swore, then said, "Wait here!" and crashed through the burning doorway. "Alia!" he yelled.
[Zero! What are you doing!] Alia yelled in his ear mike. [You'll get yourself killed!]
"X would've done the same thing," Zero said as he ran up the crumbling stairs. Alia fell silent, apparently it hurt her just as much to think about him. "Direct me," he told her. Alia sighed, resigned.
[I see a lifeform in the room to your right, it may be too late though.]
"We'll just have to see," Zero gritted out. He dodged around a falling beam and yelled out, "Hello? Someone there?" The waves of heat battered Zero around. He felt like he was roasting in his armor and felt ready to faint, but he pressed on. "Talk to me!" Over the sound of crackling flames he could hear a thin wail, painfully weak. Zero looked and saw a little figure huddled in a little ball in a corner away farthest away from the flames and it looked like it was cradling something in its arms. He hurried over to the corner. The child looked up; it was a little girl of six years old, her little tear-streaked face dirty with soot. In her arms, which were terribly burned, she held her little brother, who didn't move at all. "I w- want mama!" she sobbed. Zero took a precious second to brush the hair away from the child's eyes.
"Your mom's outside waiting," he told her in a soothing voice. "Come with me and I'll take you to her, okay?" The girl hesitated, looked at her brother, then nodded, sniffling weakly. Zero scooped both of them up carefully in his arms, stood up and swayed, his vision blurring. Damn...! Breathed in too much smoke. He coughed and turned to the doorway -- and his way was blocked.
God, no.
The mother stood outside the raging hell that was her former home, fighting to keep back hysterical tears. What was taking so long? Right when she was about to give up hope and turned away, another last, huge explosion knocked her off her feet and something large came hurtling out of the window in a shower of broken glass with the force of the blast. It landed on the ground and skidded along until it collided with a pile of concrete. In the silence afterward, it groaned.
Zero sat up carefully and looked at his precious cargo which he had shielded with his body from harm. The little girl stared at him with huge eyes, and a relieved shriek sounded out. "My children! You saved them!" They're okay, he thought dimly, smiling in relief. They're okay. . .I wonder what X would say. . . Fatigue and too much smoke set in, and darkness swallowed him. He came to later with someone forcing water down his throat; he choked and started coughing. "He's alright!" someone exclaimed. Willing hands helped him stand up, and he looked around to see his unit milling around the area. "What are you doing here?" he said hoarsely. A couple of doctors were administering to the children, apparently the youngest had passed out from breathing too much smoke.
"Reinforcements arrived. We get to go home."
[YOU DUNCE!!] Alia roared in his ear. [DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!] Wincing amidst general laughter since a lot of people heard, she was that loud, Zero saw the mother racing towards him with happy tears in her eyes. "Bless you!" she cried. And while the woman grasped his hands and stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek, Zero understood now why X did the whole hero thing.
But on the train ride home, with the little girl sitting on his knee, he couldn't believe that he, years ago, wreaked as much destruction as those Mavericks.
**
Where am I?
Opened eyes revealed nothing but white walls, white ceiling, white floor. The brightness hurt his eyes. He tried to bring up his hand but it was numb, unmovable. An experiment with the rest of his body made him find out that he could only move his eyes.
"Who are you?" A hollow voice rang from everywhere and nowhere.
I don't know.
"Where are you from?"
I don't --
"What are you?
Stop asking me --
"You don't know, do you?"
. . .
"You are nothing but a empty husk, a machine without a purpose. Why do you think you live? There is no purpose for your existence. You are useless."
No I'm not. . . I had a purpose, I just don't remember. . . A dull ache was starting between his eyes.
"But I can give you a reason to exist." The voice was soft and compassionate. "Come with me, and I will give you a reason to live. You don't have to be a mindless doll anymore."
The dull ache was starting to turn into a sharp pain.
The wall in front of him flashed into life. Pictures came up, pictures of people and places he didn't know flickered one after the other.
"Look at them, " the voice commanded. He looked. It was all he could do. "They took away your reason for living. They took away everything you had. Everything that you were. Everything that you could be."
They?
"You have nothing left, and it's all their fault."
No. Something felt wrong but he couldn't grasp what it was. He felt like he knew these people, but he couldn't remember. He couldn't remember anything. He was terrified.
Someone, please . . . help me!!
**
Vile stood gazing through the one way glass at the still form slumped in the white chair. He had his hands clasped all businesslike behind his back and his face was wiped off all expression. "How long is this going to take?" he said without looking to Sigma who was standing beside him.
"Not long," Sigma assured him.
"What if he starts remembering things he shouldn't? The virus is not permanent."
"Of course it's not," Sigma snorted. "It will only last until I get what I really want."
"Omega."
"Affirmative. This one will only be a temporary tool. The side effects will only be a minor headache when he thinks of things he shouldn't." That was a blatant understatement. Vile had seen the raw agony in the small reploid's eyes, and he knew that whatever he was feeling it was not a "minor headache".
"Ah," was all he said.
Sigma turned to a set of controls in front of the one way. "I think he's rested enough, it's time to start again." Vile looked at the pitiful figure in the chair with an unreadable expression and left the room.
**
Any hope, any slight sliver of light that Zero held inside of rescuing X was broken into pieces as he was drafted to fight against a new Maverick that just popped up from nowhere. The Maverick led a new battalion which was highly trained in guerrilla warfare, which, unlike the other groups which the Hunters put down with hardly any problem, was devastatingly efficient, hitting were they least expected it and vanishing like smoke when the startled Hunters grouped in on the spot. The Hunters were hard- pressed to keep their casualty numbers low.
"We don't know where this guy came from or who he is. Hell, we don't even know what he looks like." said Signas grimly during an impromptu war council. "All we know is that he is an extremely experienced commander with no remorse of casualties on his side. We are barely able to keep up with him. He seems to be everywhere at once: attacking and raiding supply trains, destroying warehouses, anyplace that is essential to us Maverick Hunters."
Everyone seated in the room grumbled and muttered to themselves, trying to figure out solutions to the problem. Zero scratched at his temple and tried to supress a yawn: he hadn't been able to rest very often. He repeated Signas's words in his head, ". . .supply trains, destroying warehouses, anyplace that is essential to us. . ." Zero could almost hear the lightbulb pinging on over his head.
"We bait him," he said. Everyone fell silent and looked at him, then the babbling began.
**
Somewhere in the desert, a long train rumbled swiftly along the tracks leading into a cliffside valley. There was hardly any cargo on this train, it was only a decoy to lure the mysterious Maverick commander and his charges into a trap. Zero was hidden among the cargo with about thirty volunteers. When the Mavericks opened the boxes thinking they got more loot, they would get a nasty surprise. The Hunters would strike fast and hard, while Zero would go for the commander and try to get as much information as he could before they would teleport to safety. Zero was equipped with a tiny camera that came disguised as a contact lens which would relay information to a little disk recorder attached to a belt that was strapped securely on his waist.
"Listen Zero," Signas had said to him before he went out, "I know how you can be. You get caught up in the moment, you lose track of things, you put the lives of your men and yourself in danger. . . I know , I know," for Zero opened his mouth in protest. "Not all the time, but please, keep your cool. I know how much you want to fight this guy, but remember that you are only getting info, not yourself killed."
Zero scoffed silently. As if. I'm not stupid. Far away in the HQ, for some reason, Signas erupted into a coughing fit.
[We are nearing the cliffs.] As the train entered the valley, Zero tensed. I hope they take the bait. The train started to slow. Yes!
[Boss, now?] whispered one of his men in the ear mike.
"Keep your shirt on, just wait," he said. The train ground to a complete halt, and silence reigned. Zero strained his ears for a sound. Someone was barking orders in a crisp, efficient manner and Zero could guess that they were being followed to the letter.
[Now?]
"Wait."
The steel door to his compartment slid open and someone clambered inside. Zero tensed as heavy footsteps stomped in his direction. They stopped for a moment and the blonde could hear one of the box lids forced open. A few seconds later it closed with a snap, and another one was opened.
Creak. . .
. . .Snap.
Creak. . . "We've hit another jackpot, boss!" called the owner of the unseen voice. "Weapons!" Snap. "I'll check the others."
The footsteps came closer. "Hmm. . ."
[Now?]
"Wait," Zero hissed.
Creak. . . Zero found himself staring into the surprised eyes of a maverick with dark red armor.
"NOW!!" Zero yelled. He burst upward and snapped his sabre into life, the green blade humming dangerously. With a downward slash that neatly carved the maverick in two, he leaped for his next victim while warlike screams erupted all around him. Maverick hunters where jumping out of their boxes all along the train and killing the surrounding mavericks with vicious energy.
Looking around him, Zero noted with relief that the enemy forces where no larger than his group. Though they where well-trained, the mavericks were matched toe-to-toe with the hunters, who's enthusiasm gave them an edge. While the battle raged on, Zero turned to his second in command. "Take care of things here. I'll go find the leader."
"Hai!"
Come on, where are you? Zero sprinted up the cliff face, looking for the sign of an authorative figure. He looked among the rocks and boulders until a smooth voice behind him said "Looking for me?"
Zero whirled around and saw a slender reploid standing on top of a boulder. He was clad in simple black armor that hugged his body and instead of a helmet he wore a visor made of black material that covered his eyes. His unbound hair fell to his hips in a waterfall of brown silk. Zero briefly considered not taking any pictures for HQ as the women would go crazy but then remembered his mission and started snapping pictures anyway.
The Maverick leader leaped off the boulder and started walking towards Zero with fluid grace.
"Who the hell are you and where did you come from?" Zero frowned.
"I cannot tell you."
"Why? Why did--"
"Zero Omega Light," the reploid interrupted, his voice expressionless even with its smoothness. "I despise you."
Zero straightened a bit in surprise.
"You had so much power in your grasp. Thousands feared the very mention of your name, yet you threw it all away. Why?"
"That is none of your business," Zero snarled. He was not idle during their conversation. He was trying to look through the Maverick's stats with his scanners, but he could not pick up a single thing, which was odd.
"Really, it's pitiful to what state you sunk yourself into."
Oh this guy was *really* getting on his nerves. Oh, well. A mission was a mission. Zero pretended to lose his temper and rushed at the Maverick bringing his Z-Sabre in a vicious downstroke at his head. With a mocking little laugh that sounded as empty as an abandoned shell the commander easily dodged the wild swing and flowed like water around the rest. Hm, he's fast, Zero thought absently. Time to up the ante. But, just as he was about to surprise the Maverick by teleporting behind him and really hitting him, the Maverick just wasn't there.
Surprised, Zero paused for a moment. Bad mistake. Out of nowhere a black blur towards his face and struck him a reeling blow. While he staggered he felt a soft touch in the small of his back. He wheeled around -- and his legs gave way. "What the--?" he cried as he crumpled to the ground. A tremendous blow to his chest sent him flying backwards until he slammed against a boulder. "Aagh!"
He tried to pick himself back up but the numb feeling in his legs discouraged the notion. Paralyzed. That bastard--
"Anger does not become you." The Maverick in black was sauntering over to him with a smirk that looked painted on. Zero's eyebrow twitched. Kono yarou. . .
"How dissapointing. I expected better from a former Maverick."
"Shut up." Zero looked around for his Z-Sabre and found it lying out of his reach. Damn. "What do you want?"
"What does everybody else want? To recruit you." The Maverick crouched in front of him.
"Like hell you are," Zero snarled.
With the speed of a striking snake the enemy commander grabbed Zero's wrists and pinned him against the rock. As he leaned forward Zero tried to twist away, face burning and stammering outragedly, "W-wait, what are you doing? Get off!"
But when he heard what the Maverick whispered in his ear Zero ceased his struggles, his face going stark white. "Bastard. . .!" His voice trembled with the surpressed black rage and fear rising inside him and his fists clenched. He closed his eyes, wishing everything would go away. Something small and hard was pushed into his hand then. . .
Soft laughter made him open his eyes."See how easily I could control you?" The Maverick was smirking at him. "You were practically quaking with fear."
"Shut up." Zero hated the quaver in his voice.
"That was a warning." The Maverick stood up. Zero could only glare at him from where he sat. "Hopefully next time you'll show me what you're really made of." He turned.
"Wait!" Zero could not stop himself from calling out. "Your name?"
"My name?" the commander turned around and smiled. "Alpha."
And in a flash of red light he was gone.
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You wouldn't believe how many people asked me to put yaoi in this story after reading this chapter. Of course, I did not concede to their wishes.
Hmm.... not bad. Much better than your first. Functional and solid.
Some dialogue issues and awkward transitions, but they'd be easy enough to work out. (If you want specifics for this or your other chapter, just ask. Be warned that I can go over the top sometimes)
Feel free to go over the top ^^
'Kay. Sorry it took so long. I will make suggestions; accept them, reject them, or adjust them as you will.
QuoteThe world was at war. Well, at least that was what it felt like.
The second sentence detracts from the first. Is the world at war, or isn't it? If it *seems* like the world is at war, but only a small part of it is, try consolidating the first two sentences. Ex: "It seemed like the entire world was at war." More of an impact that way.
QuotePeople cowered in their homes as plasma cannons thundered in the streets, mothers covered their children's ears as screams and curses rang out, explosions rocked buildings' foundations, metal boots crushed broken glass as they marched past in military formation.
This description works, but it's a run-on sentence.
QuoteZero flicked his Z-sabre and watched as the blood on it sprayed out in a fine arc. He sighed tiredly and looked at his unit, who were sprawled on the ground and in various positions of repose on the concrete debris. They had been fighting since yesterday afternoon, and it was almost past noon today.
Unnecessarily wordy. "They had been fighting all day, and this was the only rest they'd get for ____ amount of time." Or something like that would work just as well. Stories about fighting and war need simplicity and concision to work well.
QuoteHis unit was in charge of taking care of refugees and clearing the way for them, leading them to safety where a train waitied for them with food and medical attention.
Again, a lot of unneeded, vague phrases. "Protecting" or "escorting" is more specific than "taking care of."
QuoteRight now he and his unit were taking a breather, watching over the area for any more attacks.
Personal preference: Try putting "But for" in front of that sentence and seeing how it sounds.
QuoteAs Zero looked at the refugees, a sorry bunch, chidren crying and parents too tired and hurt to take care of them, he felt the slow burn of anger that had been smoldering inside since yesterday flare up.
Kinda stringy. Commas aren't enough in this case. Dashes or parentheses would work better.
QuoteWhy did Mavericks target humans? Why cause so much destruction just for a bit of fun? Did they enjoy the pain and suffering they caused, the sick bastards?
I think Zero answered his own question before he asked it. Replacing "just for a bit of fun" with something else would fix this.
QuoteIf X were here, he would wipe away those children's tears with the gentleness that only he had and make them feel all better. Really, he had a gift. . .
I'd at LEAST start a new paragraph at the beginning of this. Maybe start it with an individual example. I.E. "One child kept tugging on his mother's sleeve, his sorrowful features smeared with dirt and tears. But her empty eyes barely seemed to acknowledge his existence. Zero forced himself to look away."
QuoteZero pushed those thoughts away, because thinking of his best friend hurt too much. Three weeks. Three weeks since the war broke out, he had been missing with no news of his whereabouts.
Again, start a new paragraph at the beginning of this. Rearrange the sentence so that the important part (X is missing) is in front of the details (three weeks).
Signas had his hands too full with deploying units and taking care of other matters to bother in searching anymore.
QuoteAn explosion broke him out of his thoughts and he whipped his head in the direction in which it had come from. A woman's screaming spurred him into action and he started running to the sound.
Try consolidating this. For instance, "The sounds of an explosion and a woman's scream broke him out of his reverie. In an instant, he was running towards them." Action scenes should be as short as possible, especially at the beginning.
QuoteHis unit had sprung to their feet since the first noise, but he waved them back.
Again, concision. Try replacing "since the first noise" with "as well."
Quote"Stay here!" he shouted. "Protect the refugees, I'm going ahead." Ignoring their protests he leaped a tall pile of debris and was gone.
Should be: "Protect the refugees
; I'm going ahead." Ignoring their protests
, he leaped
over a tall pile of debris and was gone.
QuoteA tired-looking woman caught the attention of a reploid soldier. "Is he going there all alone?" she asked incredulously. The reploid soldier smiled at her. "Don't worry about him, ma'am. Zero can take care of himself, believe me."
Zero dodged around a burned out shell of a hovercar to see a woman kneeling in front of a burning store and sobbing hysterically. Obviously her home was the story above the store, and it was disappearing before her eyes. Zero saw movement in the corner of his eyes and turned his head to see a band of Mavericks fleeing the scene, racous laughter ringing out.
The last part is a little awkward. "Raucous laughter ringing out" just sounds like it was tacked onto the rest of the scene. Make it smoother and add a clear subject. For example: "their raucous laughter daring him to follow."
QuoteHatred and anger burned hotter than the fire and Zero was about to run after them and wreak destructive justice to them when the woman cried out, "My children!"
"To them" is superfluous. In fact, you could replace the whole phrase "run after them and wreak destructive justice to them" with "ready his Z-saber and give chase" and it would have the same effect. Thanks to the earlier part, we know what would happen to those Mavericks if Zero actually caught up with them. =P
QuoteZero looked at the raging inferno with dread. No one could survive that. "My children. . . please!" the woman sobbed. She had her tearful face turned to Zero with her hands clasped, begging him. She was so desperate that she didn't care if he was a Maverick or not. Zero stood there, undecided, when a random thought ocurred to him. X would've gone in, inferno or not. Zero swore, then said, "Wait here!" and crashed through the burning doorway. "Alia!" he yelled.
Don't use "swore" alone. Even if you tack on a short word or phrase like "softly" or "under his breath," it makes more sense.
Quote"X would've done the same thing," Zero said as he ran up the crumbling stairs. Alia fell silent, apparently it hurt her just as much to think about him. "Direct me," he told her. Alia sighed, resigned.
[I see a lifeform in the room to your right, it may be too late though.]
If she's sensing a lifeform, then how would it be too late?
Quote"We'll just have to see," Zero gritted out. He dodged around a falling beam and yelled out, "Hello? Someone there?" The waves of heat battered Zero around. He felt like he was roasting in his armor and felt ready to faint, but he pressed on. "Talk to me!" Over the sound of crackling flames he could hear a thin wail, painfully weak. Zero looked and saw a little figure huddled in a little ball in a corner away farthest away from the flames and it looked like it was cradling something in its arms. He hurried over to the corner. The child looked up; it was a little girl of six years old, her little tear-streaked face dirty with soot. In her arms, which were terribly burned, she held her little brother, who didn't move at all. "I w- want mama!" she sobbed. Zero took a precious second to brush the hair away from the child's eyes.
"Your mom's outside waiting," he told her in a soothing voice. "Come with me and I'll take you to her, okay?" The girl hesitated, looked at her brother, then nodded, sniffling weakly. Zero scooped both of them up carefully in his arms, stood up and swayed, his vision blurring. Damn...! Breathed in too much smoke. He coughed and turned to the doorway -- and his way was blocked.
Pretty good. But a few things. If the girl's arms were "terribly burned," she wouldn't be up to holding anything at ALL. But if they were "badly blistered by the heat," (which is the same thing only not as dramatic or emergency room-requiring)
Also, Zero would probably be better off explaining to the little girl while he's picking her up, rather than waiting for her assent. And are you planning to put Zero's thoughts in italics?
QuoteGod, no.
The mother stood outside the raging hell that was her former home, fighting to keep back hysterical tears. What was taking so long? Right when she was about to give up hope and turned away,
Keep the tenses the same. "Turn" instead of "turned."
Quoteanother last, huge explosion knocked her off her feet and something large came hurtling out of the window in a shower of broken glass with the force of the blast. It landed on the ground and skidded along until it collided with a pile of concrete. In the silence afterward, it groaned.
Zero sat up carefully and looked at his precious cargo which he had shielded with his body from harm. The little girl stared at him with huge eyes, and a relieved shriek sounded out.
The last sentence could use some work. Add some detail to some first part, like "The little girl, almost amazed at her own survival...." And to the end, add the location ("from beside him.")
Quote"My children! You saved them!" They're okay, he thought dimly, smiling in relief. They're okay. . .I wonder what X would say. . . Fatigue and too much smoke set in, and darkness swallowed him. He came to later with someone forcing water down his throat; he choked and started coughing. "He's alright!" someone exclaimed. Willing hands helped him stand up, and he looked around to see his unit milling around the area. "What are you doing here?" he said hoarsely. A couple of doctors were administering to the children, apparently the youngest had passed out from breathing too much smoke.
Start a new paragraph at Zero's blackout. Although it's not a good idea to give water to an unconsious person/reploid/whatever. The last sentence is another run-on.
Quote"Reinforcements arrived. We get to go home."
Right after this, I'd add a mention of X. ("Home? Maybe he could look for X again, if he wasn't needed anywhere else.") Especially how after the in-between scenes, he thinks about him again.
Quote[YOU DUNCE!!] Alia roared in his ear. [DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!] Wincing amidst general laughter since a lot of people heard, she was that loud,
Again, commas don't quite cut it here.
QuoteZero saw the mother racing towards him with happy tears in her eyes. "Bless you!" she cried. And while the woman grasped his hands and stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek, Zero understood now why X did the whole hero thing.
But on the train ride home, with the little girl sitting on his knee, he couldn't believe that he, years ago, wreaked as much destruction as those Mavericks.
Small changes I'd make to improve the flow: "And while the woman" to "And as the woman" and "believe that he" to "believe that he had once."
That's enough for now. Overall, it's pretty good, and you improve as you continue. (also keep in mind that I'm better at judging technical elements than anything else)
:o Thank you so much. This is just what I need to help me learn and improve. I'll make those changes as soon as I can ^^