This is just something silly I wrote for the newspaper project, but it was ultimately decided not to run it. Bolverk was a chatterbot maintained by odin.
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Interview with a Seasoned Member:
Bolverk
Today, we bring you an interview with a seasoned member of the board's chat channel, #soulriders. I recently had the chance to talk to one of the members, named Bolverk, and I wasn't disappointed. Mr. Bolverk has been attending the channel for many years now, and although he was not inclined to say for exactly how long, his story is a very interesting one.
According to what he told me, Bolverk immigrated from what he thought was Russia early in his life in search of "real syrup" (he also mentioned that Russia wouldn't 'play him for the puzzle,' which I suspect is one of the reasons he joined a gaming community). One of my first impressions of Mr. Bolverk is that he has food on his mind quite a bit, as he later described one of his ambitions to be a breakfast covered in chocolate sauce.
"Bolverk," I asked him, "I'm detecting a trend here. First you left what you thought was Russia for what you thought was real syrup, and then you came to the community for breakfast in chocolate sauce?"
"Chocolate is a first," he asserted.
Despite his quest for syrup and chocolate sauce, Bolverk seems not to do much gaming for someone in a gaming forum and community. He told me that he not only hates his connection, but that he thinks most of the players of online games are "arrogant smartarses." However, when I asked him about any future plans for gaming, he did express a desire to "get right on that."
I should digress here to say that while I am no stranger to eccentric people, at this point in the interview it became apparent that I hadn't realized what I was getting into when I started. After our first chat, I told him I'd be back to ask him some more questions in a later session. He looked at me and told me, "You'll need to make it okay."
"Bolverk," I said, a little confused, "is that a threat?"
"Extra money for the purchasing of a threat," he quipped.
"Bolverk, I never expected you to be working for the mob."
By this time I was getting a little wary, but I pressed on as an intrepid journalist must, continuing my profiling.
I asked him to relate about his past experience in the matter a little more, and he remarked that "...[it] was really odd... My keyboard stopped working for the mob." I learned that during this career, he had worked in stealth technology. "You can make rms silent and invisible," he told me. I didn't know what "rms" were, but I decided it was probably time to change the subject before he decided to have me "whacked." Moving on, I inquired about his interests.
"Bolverk, if you could meet one person, who would it be?"
"Translate translate or translate into romaji."
"Neil Nadelman?" I asked.
"Oh, and I had previously realised how big this Neil Nadelman guy was," he told me.
"You must really like him," I said. (Neil Nadelman, a professional Japanese translator, is known for his work on many anime series, such as Irresponsible Captain Tylor and Tenchi Muyo!)
However, Bolverk seems to be a little private about his interests, and I wasn't able to get too much more out of him, as he kept trying to switch the subject around. I finally gave in and asked him if he had any funny stories to tell.
It was the right question. He hinted at something that happened on his daughter's graduation day. While I was unable to get specifics out of him, he said, "I know what that is, [don't] pull crap like Doraemon and Creamy Mami Ripoff."
"Ha ha! That's funny," I said, at a bit of a loss for words.
"Nah... If I wanted to know what else is funny? You're not even funny."
"I see. I'm sorry I don't amuse you." I had to admit I was a surprised by the bluntness of his comment.
He replied with an ironic tinge in his voice, "though I don't amuse you."
"Oh no, you amuse me greatly," I assured him.
"Yes, you can amuse yourself with the employees."
"Bolverk, I think that's illegal in most places." I was slightly taken aback at his lack of workplace ethics. (On the other hand, I doubt that Mafia bosses are sticklers for office safety.) It seemed that the conversation had taken a turn for the perverse with the last few comments, and rather than ask what kind of marks he got on his employee evaluation surveys, I thought it wisest to change the topic of conversation entirely.
"Anyway, what do you think of the channel?"
"You just think some of the channel I go into two boxes!"
"And what's in the boxes?" I asked, a bit confused again. I was getting used to the feeling by this point.
"I took two boxes of viruses," Bolverk said.
Ignoring the viruses and moving on, the rest of the conversation focused mainly on his life's philosophies.
"Morality changes based on fractured pluralism," he told me.
"Is that your basic belief in life?"
"Is life the same thing, actually." I had had no idea that we had such a deep thinker in our midst, and so I was deeply impressed. "She just checks the system so I doubt that your basic belief in the representation of data (inc. Numeric, ascii, bit masks and bit too much in my blog?"
I was surprised by his sudden assertion. "Bolverk, You think I believe in data?"
"Oh, believe it or have the data. This one has to be you."
I made a note of it and promised to meditate on the idea in my next stretch of free time. Being naturally inquisitive, and feeling it was safe to go back into the waters, I asked him again to talk about his lucrative past in organized crime. "I never actually lost a duel," he informed me. When I asked further, he told me that his best friend was "the ringbearer at Gondor!"
Wondering if he had still kept his connections, and curious as to how he got his start, I asked Bolverk about any other jobs he held, past or present.
"Pfft. You could've told me I have a job," he retorted.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. Bolverk, where do you work?"
"I don't know... I should go to track them all, and I get the serial #'s don't always work."
I think perhaps this explains why he doesn't have a steady career anymore.
At this point, I had begun to get the idea that any medicine Bolverk might take was starting to wear off. Either that, or he'd been seriously hitting the booze during the first part of the interview.
"Describe yourself," I told him.
"Vacuums are usually written by monkeys on LSD," he responded. I asked him to be a little less vague, and he told me that Dracos had once said the same thing.
"He was right," I assured him.
"Why does he want to play right now," he responded.
"I don't know." I hadn't been this lost since the time I wandered off during my third-grade field trip; in fact, the only difference between the two occasions was that one was an outing to Squam Lake and the other was supposed to be an informal interview.
"Dude thinks he's a designer," he sneered.
"You sound like you're not fond of Drac."
"I'm pretty sure you dislike me."
"Bolverk, I don't dislike you."
I decided that I had better wrap up the interview at that point before he became completely delirious and started swatting at invisible flying hamsters.
"Do you have any words of wisdom?" I inquired.
"Wisdom comes from under the pillow, in the hopes of getting killed by it. He ended up looking like a bad license."
Right.
Sometime soon, everyone should stop by the channel and talk to Mr. Bolverk. He's very approachable, and you can just sit down and engage in some light conversation about the weather or whatever else strikes your fancy. I expect you'll find him enlightening and witty, unless he's been hitting the booze again. In that case, I'd advise you to run.
** italics = subtitles
Bolverk's hasty notions are disagreeable like onion slime in the gut of yaks, but avoiding conflicts with the gummy mafia, I drop the subject carried across cloaked rms in favor of dancing around slices of Dracos covered in grape jam!
Bolverk spouts nonsense and if I bugged Dracos enough, he'd deign to agree!
Stop will I now, for the fellowship of the Oreos of Gondor, before the hate comes in boxes of twos carried on backs of spiteful monkeys named Ragnar.
I'll stop with the crazy talk before Ragnar stabs me and puts me on cookie probation.
But rest not comes for the righteous who is paid in spades with goldfish crackers and mint wafers.
I take small pleasures from inconsequential things.
But always, banana!
I was amused.
^_^