Hey guys, just thought I'd post this short poem; feel free to rip into it! The more criticism I get, the more I'll hopefully be able to improve ^_^
***
Darkness
It envelops me
Holding me tightly
A deep and comforting embrace
Like a mother cuddling her newborn.
Grief
It nourishes me
Tasting sweet, like the best of honey
But also acrid, like the most nauseating of bile
Filling me, yet I yearn for more.
Death
He is my nemesis
A formidable foe
Instilling great fear in me
For he remains undefeated through the ages.
Solitude
A close friend among strangers
She eases my pains
And shields me from the sufferings
Brought upon by others.
Love
She was my greatest weakness
But in my foolishness, I have lost her
Perhaps one day, I will find her again
And she shall be my greatest strength.
EDIT: Edited the title of the thread and corrected it to my original intention of one "short poem" instead of "short poems".
Well, in my opinion the greatest weakness of these are that they are way too short. The style you are writing them in is at odds with the length you are writing. Short poems are usually a short meaningful line. These lack both rhythm and really the feeling.
Death accents the flaw in this style most effectively. I can't see any rhyme there. No rhythm either. You open with a premise, and then go no where with it. The lines feel disjointed overall. You go far too swiftly through it, removing the strength from your poetry.
At least that's my opinion on it. I'd try working with a few basic poetic structures before hacking it out freestyle. That way you get a better idea of what flows well from you.
Fearless Leader
Thanks for commenting. When I wrote these, I really wasn't trying for any rhythm or rhyme; I was just writing down what I felt at the time. Now that I look these over again now, I can see what you mean. They do jump around quite a bit, without really going anywhere.
I did make a mistake though, I posted this as"short poems"; these should all be counted as one whole poem. This probably won't affect your perception of them, but I just had to clear that up. I had originally planned on writing some more and finishing it up with some kind of concrete conclusion but I haven't been able to come up with one yet.
I will be taking your advice into consideration in the future, but I'm currently too swamped with college work to write anymore. Thanks again for your comments.
BTW, if this hasn't scared off everyone yet... anyone here feel like reading a French poem I wrote? ^^;
Hum, from that angle this is lacking symmetry then going down the line. Maybe it was scheduled to achieve it later but it doesn't seem to have a pattern or order in it currently. I would suggest having all with the same rhythm and general size throughout as changing styles wouldn't work well with such a poem.
I have no problem with a simple french poem. My french isn't that good though.
Fearless Leader