What was treasured now lost,
Lost as the hearts became frost.
What was once loved now no more,
Tides of time have washed it ashore.
Yet I hold on to these thoughts,
Thoughts of a world I can no longer sought.
Though I want to forget,
I cannot, when my mind is filled with regret.
Regrets of mistakes I have made,
Regrets that cut me like a blade.
Regrets of opportunities that passed,
Passed when I did not act fast.
So I lie awake at nights,
Staring into space as night became light,
Hoping to turn back the sands of time;
But sure as tears that fall from these silent eyes,
I knew that she would never be mine.
Okee-dokey. As I said, surprised to see this from your quarter but welcome aboard Kwok. First thing I notice is a relatively solid aabb rhyme scheme. Not bad on that, even if it stumbles at the end (that's fine).
Second I notice that the line length feels a bit clipped throughout. It works but I'd suggest trying a longer line scheme for a more fluid feel. Problem in sixth line: sought does not work there. It would be 'seek', but that doesn't work with your rhyme scheme. You need to rewrite that line. The Regrets verse sort of seems clipped. The two and two methodology doesn't really feel like it goes anywhere, even if it is standard fare. Last verse, you use nights twice in close proximity, get another word in there. I suggest 'darkness'.
Anyhow, not bad ^^
Dracos
Cool, thankies ^_^
I thought the "sought" and the "night" thing was bad when I wrote it, but I couldn't think of anything else at that moment ^_^;;
Here's the alternate ending I had when I wrote it, but didn't want to go with that for obvious reasons, even though it doesn't have the double "nights" thing ^^
So I lie awake at nights,
Thinking about those men in tights.
=D
*laughs*
Dracos
First off, I never would have expected poetry coming from you of all people, Kwok. No offense intended or anything, but you just don't seem the type.
Anywho, now to poke holes in your poem....
>_>
<_<
Quote from: "Kwokinator"
What was treasured now lost,
Lost as the hearts became frost.
What was once loved now no more,
Tides of time have washed it ashore.
See, this may just be me, but the repetition of terms, at least in my book, should be eliminated unless it's by design. What I mean is, unless you're doing it intentionally for a certain style or tempo, I'd stay away from it.
The imagery just isn't working for me in this part here. You speak of this treasured thing being lost, but with the mention of the tides of time washing 'it' ashore, I'm left thinking that it's back again....
Not sure if that's what you intended to be happening there, or perhaps I'm being too literal?
o_o
Quote from: "Kwokinator"
Yet I hold on to these thoughts,
Thoughts of a world I can no longer sought.
Though I want to forget,
I cannot, when my mind is filled with regret.
Regrets of mistakes I have made,
Regrets that cut me like a blade.
Regrets of opportunities that passed,
Passed when I did not act fast.
Okay... well, from what I can see, right around now is when you've run into a brick wall, trying just to find terms that'll just rhyme together. It's getting a bit ragged compared to the first part that you cobbled together.
Quote from: "Kwokinator"
So I lie awake at nights,
Staring into space as night became light,
Hoping to turn back the sands of time;
But sure as tears that fall from these silent eyes,
I knew that she would never be mine.
Well, after reading through it a few time, I get the gist of what you were trying for, but I'm not sure if it came off quite right. I know what you were trying to convey with the series of images, but it felt awkward in its execution.
I don't want to come off as being pretentious or anything, but it could use a bit of spit and polish. It was a good attempt though, keep it up.
Rai:
This is a poetry corner. You can't not be pretentious when discussing poetry.
It's like not being jockish and discussing football. It can't be done!
Dracos