[Haruhi] The Link of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Altes]

The whole scene with Kyon talking to Tsuruya comes after he told Asahina that Tsuruya would train her.  Perhaps you rearranged some things and lost track?

I tried Anachronic Order there. I felt it would be better to have Kyon talk to Tsuruya in the end of the flashback, not in the chapter's beginning. Otherwise, I'd probably have to start with Kyon snapping at Asakura seemingly for no reason at all, and that would've been confusing.

I...see. Now.  Hm.  So the conversation with Asahina at the start of the chapter takes place on Monday, and everything else happens on Sunday.  You have some subtle hints, but I think you would do well to be a lot more blatant about it.  I'm not saying put it in all caps and announce the date and time of each scene in boldfaced letters, but Kyon could start the second scene (with Asakura) saying, "Oh yes, I said I would tell you about Sunday..."  Or he could reference more that something happened on Sunday during the Monday scene, or point out that he hasn't told the reader about his conversation with Tsuruya, etc.

I admit, I'm not sure what you mean by "snapping...for no reason at all".  I don't see how the anachronic order helped with this.

Well, imagine the chapter beginning with Kyon going up the hill in the morning, and Asakura catches up with him and congratulates him on doing well yesterday. Kyon yells at her and angrily tells her to leave him alone. Still mad, he finds Tsuruya and asks her to train Mikuru. Then I skip a few hours to let Kyon come to the clubroom and inform Mikuru about what he's decided. And only then the flashback begins. This way, it just... doesn't feel right. But maybe it's just me.

As for the flashback itself... Why did I decide to use anachronic order? Dunno. I did what I felt was best for the story. Probably just my intuition.

Theme: There's a lot of talk about links and bonds, about Brigade cohesion, about members of the Brigade working together to defeat what obstacles come.  That said, this is squarely an action piece.  These ideas may be in the story, but in some sense, even Kyon is only somewhat aware of them.  His thoughts dwell on immediate threats and adversaries.  He does not face conflict in what he should believe in or anything like that.  So, to be honest, I find the overarching themes in this story to be a bit thin on substance, but I recognize they are present, and that's a lot more than what most authors would have.  And it's always the case that one can spend too much time on theme at the cost of an interesting plot, so in no way do I fault you for the level of treatment you've given it.  Rather, I'm just hoping to probe your intentions and see whether this assessment is consistent with those intentions.

How about the conflict between Asakura and Kimidori? "The traitor" versus "the puppet"; one who has received an epiphany and chose a new way against one who follows her orders to preserve the status quo. Asakura claims that leaving the Data Integration Thought Entity's consensus was enough for her to rethink her actions, and now she sees her former comrades as flawed and amoral. Kimidori is adamant that Asakura has betrayed them and is now working for someone who threatens the Entity and the Brigade members they are supposed to protect (although, we've only seen them protect Kyon and Haruhi in the novels). In this, Asakura represents freedom and the right to choose one's way; Kimidori, on the other hand, stands for order and prefers an already well-known path instead of trusting a stranger (she even compares Dark Haruhi to the Devil). Neither is willing to accept the other's views. But which one is right, and which one is wrong?

Sure, this is a valid question for Asakura, but I think Kimidori is right to point out that they (the Entity) do not know how much Asakura is "intact" and how much she has been forcibly persuaded to Dark Haruhi's persuasion.  From our perspective, it doesn't seem likely, since Asakura is largely herself, but it makes Kimidori's suspicions feel a little more justified.

Are you trying to connect this back to Haruhi, in terms of Haruhi being "concerned about the Brigade doing what it's supposed to do rather than about its individual members"?  You could easily play that into the same theme about order and the status quo vs. individuality.

Hmm, no, that wasn't my intention. Haruhi isn't being a prick with anyone who messes up, only with Kyon, and she certainly won't shout "TRAITOR!" and try to make holes in him. But now that you've pointed out this similarity, you gave me something to think about.

[Altes]

After a three-month rest, more often justified than not, I have returned to writing my fanfic, and I'm sure that Chapter 13 will be finished this week. Analyzing my own work, I can say with assurance that 12 chapters form Act I of the story... And while you (meaning whoever's interested) are waiting for the update, let's summarize everything that has happened so far.

The Link of Haruhi Suzumiya - Act I

Having spent a fine summer vacation after dealing with a split timeline and Fujiwara's evil scheme, the SOS Brigade returned to school on the 1st of September. Upon their arrival, they received mixed feelings-inducing news: their homeroom teacher Okabe-san had left the school, replaced by a new teacher by the name of Takahiro Shiraki. This mysterious newcomer immediately attracted the attention of everybody in their class - as well as Haruhi, who without hesitation offered him the position of their Brigade's new supervisor teacher. With his energetic smile, quirky personality and interest towards the supernatural, Shiraki-sensei reminded Kyon of his two close friends - Haruhi and Sasaki. Happy to have made acquaintance with someone who shared her beliefs, Haruhi announced that the SOS Brigade were to prepare for a major event - a cosplay contest, which would take place on September, 17.

But there were other surprises, and much more unpleasant at that. Along with a new person to join their school life, another, familiar face had returned - none other than the alien Ryoko Asakura, an agent of the Data Integration Thought Entity and Kyon's unsuccessful assailant. Immediately afterwards, a series of frightful and dangerous events had occured. Koizumi was viciously attacked by a monster in an impenetrable Closed Space and almost killed, saving his life by acquiring an ability to see auras of all creatures; Mikuru discovered that her TPDD had gone missing and was left only with a cryptic message; Nagato got trapped in another Closed Space that she could not escape on her own, for it would hold anyone with supernatural powers frozen in place. Based on Koizumi's experience in his Closed Space, the SOS Brigade realized a horrifying truth: they had become a target for an alternative version of Haruhi Suzumiya, one that knew how to use her world-changing power and had mastered it fully. None too soon it became clear that Asakura's return was courtesy of this other, Dark Haruhi, as well. Kyon did not escape the attention of their new foe, either - but his part in her plan was shockingly different from what everyone else had to go through. It involved Asakura, who was torn away from the Data Integration Thought Entity's realm and forced to side with Dark Haruhi, and her task was to teach Kyon the ways of the sword. In exchange for answers to all his questions about what was going on, Kyon reluctantly agreed to train under Asakura.

Along the way, fighting one danger after another, the Brigade found out they were not alone in this mess. They met other members of the esper Organization, including Daichi Koizumi - Itsuki's strict and demanding, but loving and respectful father, and Hanigaru - a bitter and unpleasant, though not unreasonable young man, who had left the Organization years ago because of his spite towards Haruhi and her meddling with the world's fate. Kyon and Nagato were also visited by the older version of Mikuru Asahina, who, along with a partner, was on a mission to investigate Dark Haruhi and her possible connection to a previously unheard faction of superpowered people known only as Warlocks. Together with Dark Haruhi, those shadowy individuals were threatening to do the impossible - change the course of the future and wipe out Asahina's timeline. The only two leads the time travelers had were the recent break-in into Tsuruya's mansion and the kidnapping of Koizumi's friendly rival, an esper girl named Kyoko Tachibana - both deeds accomplished by the Warlocks. Incapable of giving his friend in need a cold shoulder, Kyon answered adult Mikuru's request to participate in Tachibana's rescue and hinder the superpowered criminals' plans.

Espers and time travelers were not the only ones to have taken action, and Nagato's superiors had decided to lure Dark Haruhi out by attacking Asakura and destroying her in battle. However, because Kyon was committed to see his part of this game through and learn swordsmanship from Asakura so he could defeat her in a fair duel and find out the truth, Nagato found herself unable to do the task. A single moment of hesitation made her a target for her comrade - Emiri Kimidori, who brought a small army of Humanoid Interfaces to fight Asakura and her master. As an act of punishment for disobeying the orders, Kimidori attempted to eliminate Nagato in front of Kyon's eyes - only for Asakura to step in and defend the girl with whom she had an uneasy past of disagreement and enmity. Her unexpected interference led to a huge and flashy battle, during which Asakura had revealed her feelings and motives: she relished her freedom from the Data Integration Thought Entity and felt compelled to repay her debt to Nagato for stopping her from doing a fatal mistake of taking Kyon's life more than a year ago. However, Asakura was heavily outnumbered, and just when Kimidori and her team were about to succeed in their intention of destroying the rogue alien, Dark Haruhi had finally arrived on the scene and rescued her subordinate, wiping out the attackers and sending them back to where their superiors dwelled. She appeared to Kyon as a black-clad figure in a cape and a mask, greeting him only with a wink of an eye, and asked Nagato to relay a simple message to her boss: either to stop interfering with her plans, or to be erased from this existence. With their business finished, Dark Haruhi and Nagato went their separate ways, leaving Kyon alone with Asakura. Impressed by her sincerity and her selfless act of protecting Nagato when he was unable to do anything to help, Kyon was convinced Asakura was no longer a threat, and accepted her as a friend.

One of the major players was removed from the board, having witnessed first-hand what the enemy is capable of. With this victory, Dark Haruhi is one step closer to fulfilling her plans, unclear as they may be... But so is the SOS Brigade, and thanks to the adult Mikuru Asahina's timely warning, they now can begin to prepare their own battle plan.

[Altes]

Oh well. Guess I hoped too much about finishing the chapter sooner, but it's finally out. The Link of Haruhi Suzumiya, Chapter 13 - The Countdown Starts.

[Muphrid]

Plot and Structure

This is a bit of a slow chapter, as we deal largely with the Brigade trying to figure things out and prepare themselves.  The bits about the watch seem quite interesting and strong, but Haruhi being distant for no reason presented only the explicit realization on Kyon's part that this is hurting him.  Important, in its own right, but he doesn't make any resolutions for how to fix this issue.

The overall structure is logical, in that it follows Kyon's day.  The cliffhanger is good.

Characterization and Development

"She's not a bad person, but she can be a real pain if you get on her nerves. She certainly won't like it when she comes and sees you here. So please... Um, what's your name anyway?"

Heh, that's very Kyon.

I closed my eyes in irritation and turned my back to her. Haruhi, what's with you recently? You've been acting strange; ever since we've returned from our summer vacations, you haven't been quite yourself. I mean, you still generally act like your normal self, but you began treating me less like a friend and more like an acquaintance you're not very fond of. As if I was an annoying neighbor who dumps his garbage on your lawn every morning. What did I do to deserve this? You're being so mean and unfair to me. So much that it hurts my feelings, and I'm not being dramatic. It's true. I barely recognize you at all, Haruhi, despite connecting your new hair with you.

This is kinda a style thing, but it's also not.  I think the problem is less with the sentiment than with how it's phrased.  I almost can't take seriously Kyon saying "You're being so mean" with a straight face, even if only in his thoughts.  Kyon is very distant here, actually.  He's almost clinical in describing his reactions instead of actually feeling them.  You could argue this makes him detached, almost cold to her.  If that's what you meant to do, all right.  But I think this passage might benefit from Kyon experiencing some real heat first before realizing, to his surprise, the full scale of what Haruhi has been doing to him and how it's affected him.


Kyon is upset with Tachibana for holding back when Asahina questioned her. This, to me, seems unreasonable.  Tachibana has good reasons to keep things to herself, despite the obvious show of good faith that Asahina made.


Koizumi makes a point of trying to be helpful and faithful to the brigade, especially toward Asahina in suggesting that she should be clued in.  This makes him come off positively, sure, but functionally he's an exposition device here and not much more.

Asahina faces a roller-coaster ride of emotions, but she doesn't use all the new information she's been given to do anything with.  It could be she has no power to do so, that telling her merely relieves Kyon and Koizumi of guilt.  Should that prove to be the case, though, I question whether this needs the focus of a scene.  I mean, if all she's going to do is react and then do nothing, you can gloss over that in a paragraph.

Kyon makes one decision here, and that's to go along with Koizumi.  Koizumi is the most proactive of everyone here; it's just unfortunate that he does so under the auspices of being rather generically altruistic and good-hearted.  To be honest, I don't think Koizumi is like that.  It is in his nature to prepare for some pretty stark contingencies, to speculate on the worst that may come their way (whether from Haruhi or from some outside force).  The dynamic between him and Kyon is off-kilter because he has little, if any, need to influence Kyon to influence Haruhi in turn.  So you've ended up with Koizumi moving things forward almost just for the sake of doing so; everyone else can basically sit back and watch.  Kyon included, really.

Style and Command

And that one time when a certain someone made it so Haruhi attended a different school doesn't count, because I don't believe this could ever happen again.

I think strictly speaking "because" should never be preceded by a comma in accordance with those arcane rules about sentence structures and such.

She snicked, walking from behind my back to stand a couple of steps ahead of me, gazing through the corridor, just like I was.

Is that the right word here?

A small group of first-years passed us by. I moved out the way and grabbed the tug of my backpack.

I don't understand what this is.

"What do you have in mind?" Koizumi looked like a cat that had just eaten a mouse. I wouldn't be surprised if he smacked his lips now. "Have you uncovered something new?"

This is Kyon speaking, with Koizumi's reactions interspersed.  I find this rather confusing, as it looks like Koizumi is takling instead.

"Truth is, I don't think it's fair to keep Asahina-san in the dark about what is happening." Hard to disagree with that, I know. But still... "After all, it does concern her as well, in the same measure as any of us. I'd like to piece everything we have together, but doing so without briefing Asahina-san in is meaningless. She can't avoid being a part of this. Do you agree with me?"

Koizumi is speaking very casually here ("Truth is..."). I would try to be a little more formal with his speech.  Also, consider removing this "in".

The handwriting seemed vaguely familiar. Thinking back, a few people have left notes for me in the past. Two of them were Asakura and the adult version of Asahina-san. The other two were the younger Asahina-san and Nagato, and both of them gave me their notes in person. But this handwriting didn't belong to any of them, and there wasn't a signature which might let me know who left this here. Yet... I knew I've seen it somewhere before, this tingle in the back of my head couldn't lie. This wasn't déjà vu. Whoever wrote this note is someone I know.

Inconsistent tenses.  I suggest "I knew I'd seen it before".

But... Seriously, "don't open this anywhere but your home?" Am I really supposed to bring this parcel to my place when I don't even know about its contents? That would be the most careless thing ever. If someone managed to obtain the key and get into my locker, how am I to believe they didn't put here something nasty? It already smells fishy as it is, but if they want to use me to hide stolen things, or something even worse... No way. Please forgive me my rudeness and distrust, oh mysterious benefactor. I'll open it right now and see for myself what marvelous gift you've left for me.

Kyon is a teenager, yes, but he's somewhat more poetic in his narration than this.

Here go the band and the paper wrap... Underneath was a small paperboard box. And inside it was...

Again, the tenses are inconsistent here.

I sighed. Well, it wasn't hard to guess I wouldn't wait and carry this thing home, and instead decide to deal with it immediately. But still, who is this smartass? I was sure I've seen this handwriting before. It wasn't Taniguchi's or Kunikida's, but I couldn't think of anyone else who would waste their time on such a silly deal. If I really was in need of a broken digital watch, why couldn't they give it to me without resorting to parcels and notes? Good grief... What does it say next?

I would cut the last phrase off the first underlined sentence completely, rather than think hard about how to rework it to be a proper sentence.

Again, tense inconsistency. Either "I'm sure I've seen" or "I was sure I'd seen".  Given the rest of the paragraph, I suggest the latter, but this is a common issue I've seen in your narration.  You're not really sure whether things are "here" or "there" or "now" vs. "then", and it makes reading the piece a bit dizzying.

Something I'd consider is to divide between Kyon narrating in retrospective and Kyon providing his real-time thoughts as the events unfold.  The latter can be in present tense, reflecting Kyon's total sum of knowledge at the time.  The former can be in past tense and may or may not divulge future details.  Yes, there is some movement between the two, but not usually in the same sentence, or the same paragraph.

You guessed correctly. That find was the first big surprise of today. Now you may find yourself wondering why an ordinary, if broken, wristwatch got me so agitated, and I would understand your confusion. All I can say for now – please, have a little patience. My tale goes on.

This paragraph is a good example.  Think about it for a second: would you ever say "it was the first big surprise of today"?  If it's still today, yes, but one can't know that until later "today".  It gives the impression that Kyon is writing or narrating just as a later time period on the same day.  Very odd.

"This morning." I turned to Koizumi, who was dying to hear more about the letter's contents. "Right after you and I spoke. Sorry about stealing your stage time, but I just couldn't wait any longer. Plus, there always was the risk. What I found in my shoe locker could be dangerous, so I had to confirm its nature as quickly as possible."

The risk...of what?  If it's what comes in the subsequent sentence, you might consider merging them together.

"Everyone loves good old reverse psychology, huh?" Koizumi started reading. "Although, I admit this whole affair must look suspicious to you. I apologize. Please accept this humble souvenir as a token of good fortune. In fact, I believe you may find a way to put this to good use. Read this carefully. Everything I've written here is true. I present you a special gift, one of a kind – a wristwatch which can stop time."

Microsoft Word 95 drilled into me that it's improper to use "which" in this context; try "that" instead.

"Take a good look at this fine creation. There's something odd about its right side, a small detail that is out of place. This small, cylinder-shaped piece is called a crown. Usually, it is attached to the mainspring, a power source in some watches. I say 'some' for a reason, and that reason is, it's used in mechanical watches, much unlike the one you have found in the box. A crown is needed in mechanical watches, but the watch I give you is a digital one. And as you well know, those run on electronic batteries. So if my gift lacks a mainspring which it doesn't need anyway, what is the crown attached to?"

"It is part of the mechanism which affects the surroundings for a brief amount of time. By pulling out the crown, you can trigger this mechanism to create an isolated area, similar to a fabric snag on a shirt. It will appear to you like everything around you stopped its movement, while you will remain in a small bubble where you are not frozen and can still move. The watch doesn't really stop the flow of time; what it does, however, is give you extra few precious moments when you find yourself in need of them. So carry it with you at all times, because who knows when that day may come."

"That is all. Use this present wisely, because it can only work once. I wish you the best of luck."

These paragraphs are all spoken by the same person (Koizumi).  Only the last should end with a closing quotation mark.  Leaving the others with no closing mark is standard practice to indicate that the same speaker is still speaking.

You do the same thing with "which" here also.

"The Mission Code," she whispered. "It indicates the significance of the message. Everything written in this letter is of the highest importance and must be taken with all seriousness. The one who receives a message containing this code must not ignore it." Asahina-san's eyes were trembling. We haven't seen anything like this since the time when she had to travel a week back into the past and hide from her own past self in order to complete a mission: act as a decoy and allow herself to be kidnapped by Kyoko Tachibana and her own team of espers. The nastiest part was, it was all orchestrated by none other than Asahina-san's older self. Apparently, she'll grow up into one hell of a masochist.

By using present tense here, you imply that nothing like it has been seen up to the point that this was written, an unspecified point in the future.  That makes no sense.  I suggest "hadn't".

"But this watch..." She tensed up, and her knuckles turned white when she clawed in her dress even stronger. "They want to involve Kyon in this? Is that why they sent him this watch?"

Kyon-kun.

That day, Haruhi didn't come to the clubroom at all. There could be any number of reasons for that, but I guess it was a good thing. Asahina-san needed to let that load of information sink in, without any extra stress from outside. Maybe that's why she didn't come after the classes, either. After everything she's heard, she needed to spend some time alone, I suppose. Can't say I'm surprised about it.

I suggest "after classes".

"Emphasis on 'remotely'. You see, Kyon..." Koizumi put his hands in his pockets. "It would be wrong to say the fact that Tachibana-san became involved in our recent affairs seems strange. It is strange, and for her, it must be especially so. According to Asahina-san you've met in the city library, Tachibana-san couldn't give any clear answers to her questions, isn't that right?"

I suggest "According to the Asahina-san you met..."

"It's odd that you were sent into deep thought by a question like that," smiled Koizumi. "I believe there was an instance when you were saved by Nagato-san in the exact same fashion. The few run-ins Tachibana-san had with Asahina-san weren't what I'd call friendly. First time, she kidnapped her younger version, and later, she was caught by the older version working with two people who wished to murder Suzumiya-san. So I suspect Tachibana-san didn't feel happy when she found out her savior to be Asahina-san. That much should be obvious."

I suggest "The first time".  For the second bit, you might consider "at ease" or "completely relieved".  Happy seems a bit too simplistic.

"Someone you know quite well. It was your old friend, Sasaki."

Sasaki-san.

[Altes]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Characterization and Development

Kyon is upset with Tachibana for holding back when Asahina questioned her. This, to me, seems unreasonable.  Tachibana has good reasons to keep things to herself, despite the obvious show of good faith that Asahina made.

So you agree with Koizumi's point about not fully trusting someone who helps you if you don't know them well enough? I'm happy to know I still have good ideas sometimes. But Kyon probably didn't understand it as well as Koizumi did, so he just thought Tachibana went full retard, especially considering how it turned out for her later. Not to mention that Kyon hates uncertainties (in this story, at least) and when things become more complicated than they could be.

Koizumi makes a point of trying to be helpful and faithful to the brigade, especially toward Asahina in suggesting that she should be clued in.  This makes him come off positively, sure, but functionally he's an exposition device here and not much more.

Asahina faces a roller-coaster ride of emotions, but she doesn't use all the new information she's been given to do anything with.  It could be she has no power to do so, that telling her merely relieves Kyon and Koizumi of guilt.  Should that prove to be the case, though, I question whether this needs the focus of a scene.  I mean, if all she's going to do is react and then do nothing, you can gloss over that in a paragraph.

I actually considered making Koizumi tell Mikuru everything off-page. That wall of text really does look unnecessary and boring, since we've heard it all already. But after a little thought I decided to keep it. Hearing those news was important for Mikuru, and skipping that part could mess up a certain scene in the future I've prepared for her.

Kyon makes one decision here, and that's to go along with Koizumi.  Koizumi is the most proactive of everyone here; it's just unfortunate that he does so under the auspices of being rather generically altruistic and good-hearted.  To be honest, I don't think Koizumi is like that.  It is in his nature to prepare for some pretty stark contingencies, to speculate on the worst that may come their way (whether from Haruhi or from some outside force).

Hmm... You've given me food for thought. As the author, I know what kind of role Koizumi plays in this story from its beginning to its end, but now I'm starting to doubt if it's enough.

The dynamic between him and Kyon is off-kilter because he has little, if any, need to influence Kyon to influence Haruhi in turn.  So you've ended up with Koizumi moving things forward almost just for the sake of doing so; everyone else can basically sit back and watch.  Kyon included, really.

I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean by influencing Kyon to influence Haruhi?

Style and Command

Lots and lots small errors on my part show how rusted my writing skills have become. Long hiatuses are even worse than I thought.

She snicked, walking from behind my back to stand a couple of steps ahead of me, gazing through the corridor, just like I was.

Is that the right word here?

Curse those online translators and my bad luck. I should've used "grunted" here.

A small group of first-years passed us by. I moved out the way and grabbed the tug of my backpack.

I don't understand what this is.

Same here. It should've been "strap."

"But this watch..." She tensed up, and her knuckles turned white when she clawed in her dress even stronger. "They want to involve Kyon in this? Is that why they sent him this watch?"

Kyon-kun.

"Someone you know quite well. It was your old friend, Sasaki."

Sasaki-san.

You're trying to tell me that if I use honorifics in my story, then I should stay consistent with how they were used in the novels or avoid using them entirely, do I understand it right? Well... If I were to ask myself why I use them in the first place, then I'd say it's to show how characters regard one another, or rather how I see it myself. And there's some very subtle foreshadowing, too. Honorifics used by certain characters are also used by me as clues.

To be honest, I'm not very pleased with this chapter - and with my own efforts. Partially because more things were supposed to happen, but I had to leave most of them for later to avoid making the chapter overly long. One of the reviewers suggested that the description of Dark Haruhi's costume, seen in great detail in Chapter 12, sounded a lot like Zero's outfit from Code Geass, and they were right: it is exactly the same. I wanted Kyon to tell the Brigade about Asakura's fight, and then Koizumi would google some pictures of Zero's outfit and point out that Dark Haruhi likes to cosplay as much as their Haruhi does. But Koizumi already had a lot of screen time, so that got cut. For the same reason I didn't have him tell about his visit to Sasaki in the clubroom. The chapter is already choking on exposition, and all I could do was avoid making it worse.

Another reason is, pretty much all important events are thought-out and ready to go, it's just a matter of time til I can insert them into the story. Tsuruya's secret, Warlocks, Dark Haruhi and her second accomplice (the one who contributed to the message to Mikuru), adult Mikuru's partner, Kyon and Haruhi's conflict, Shiraki, Hanigaru, Tachibana, the Link, Kyon defeating Asakura, the cosplay contest, even the ending - when I'm not writing all those things, I'm busy connecting them together with boring content like in this chapter. Maybe it's my fault for not making every single bit of my fanfic interesting, or maybe it isn't possible at all. At any rate, it's a bother.

[Muphrid]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kyon is upset with Tachibana for holding back when Asahina questioned her. This, to me, seems unreasonable.  Tachibana has good reasons to keep things to herself, despite the obvious show of good faith that Asahina made.

So you agree with Koizumi's point about not fully trusting someone who helps you if you don't know them well enough? I'm happy to know I still have good ideas sometimes. But Kyon probably didn't understand it as well as Koizumi did, so he just thought Tachibana went full retard, especially considering how it turned out for her later. Not to mention that Kyon hates uncertainties (in this story, at least) and when things become more complicated than they could be.

Yes, definitely.  To be honest, I think I consider it much more obvious (which is why I'm surprised Kyon doesn't seem to get it).  Does he himself trust Tachibana all the way?  I don't think so.  So why should Tachibana trust him, or Asahina?  Just because saving Tachibana is in Asahina's interest doesn't mean that Asahina has the esper girl's best interests at heart.

Kyon makes one decision here, and that's to go along with Koizumi.  Koizumi is the most proactive of everyone here; it's just unfortunate that he does so under the auspices of being rather generically altruistic and good-hearted.  To be honest, I don't think Koizumi is like that.  It is in his nature to prepare for some pretty stark contingencies, to speculate on the worst that may come their way (whether from Haruhi or from some outside force).

Hmm... You've given me food for thought. As the author, I know what kind of role Koizumi plays in this story from its beginning to its end, but now I'm starting to doubt if it's enough.

Glad to hear it; that's the sweet-spot I aim for with criticism.  Though in truth, I just comment on a lot of stuff and hope some fraction of it sticks with you.

The dynamic between him and Kyon is off-kilter because he has little, if any, need to influence Kyon to influence Haruhi in turn.  So you've ended up with Koizumi moving things forward almost just for the sake of doing so; everyone else can basically sit back and watch.  Kyon included, really.

I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean by influencing Kyon to influence Haruhi?

In dealing with Haruhi, Kyon has the greatest ability to affect her decisions and outlook on the world.  Koizumi, in turn, spends a great deal of time trying to convince Kyon of a certain outlook on the situations they face, and to take actions appropriate to that outlook.  That's what he does.  He tries to figure out situations and paint them in ways that will encourage Kyon to take an action he finds useful or agreeable.  Since Koizumi is, in this chapter, able to take a great deal of action himself, the interactions between him and Kyon are quite different from usual.  That's not a bad thing in itself, but I think Kyon didn't really find a good proactive role for himself to fill the gap.

"But this watch..." She tensed up, and her knuckles turned white when she clawed in her dress even stronger. "They want to involve Kyon in this? Is that why they sent him this watch?"

Kyon-kun.

"Someone you know quite well. It was your old friend, Sasaki."

Sasaki-san.

You're trying to tell me that if I use honorifics in my story, then I should stay consistent with how they were used in the novels or avoid using them entirely, do I understand it right? Well... If I were to ask myself why I use them in the first place, then I'd say it's to show how characters regard one another, or rather how I see it myself. And there's some very subtle foreshadowing, too. Honorifics used by certain characters are also used by me as clues.

Hey, if you're making deliberate changes, you can do as you like; wouldn't be the first time an honorific change were used to indicate a change of relationship.  If that is the case, then I will only look at this aspect of the story for internal consistency.

That said, I think it's better to err on the side of being too obvious.  If there's a different honorific than usual, people will notice it.  Make a show of that, and no one will mistake your deliberate choice for, well, a mistake.  Drawing attention to such things also serves to hammer the point home.  Readers can be pretty stiff boards.  Sometimes you really do need to drive these nails in hard to make them stay in place.  In other words, it's an easy trap to be too subtle.

If you do end up doing something like that, I'm sure I will question less why Asahina should be dropping the "-kun" or why Koizumi is dropping the "-san".  In the former case, I can infer that Asahina feels closer to Kyon (though not over any particular reason why).  In the latter, I'm much less sure.  Does it indicate lack of respect?  Or a higher degreee of closeness after Koizumi's conversation with Sasaki?  That's possible, too.  Still, for Asahina, that being the first time she called Kyon just Kyon, I expect him and everyone else in the room to notice it.  She should light up like a Christmas tree in embarrassment, but of course Kyon would say it's fine for her to do that, if she's comfortable with it.  She might ask him to call her Mikuru in return, and so on and so forth.  For someone like Asahina, I think it's a big deal.

To be honest, I'm not very pleased with this chapter - and with my own efforts. Partially because more things were supposed to happen, but I had to leave most of them for later to avoid making the chapter overly long. One of the reviewers suggested that the description of Dark Haruhi's costume, seen in great detail in Chapter 12, sounded a lot like Zero's outfit from Code Geass, and they were right: it is exactly the same. I wanted Kyon to tell the Brigade about Asakura's fight, and then Koizumi would google some pictures of Zero's outfit and point out that Dark Haruhi likes to cosplay as much as their Haruhi does. But Koizumi already had a lot of screen time, so that got cut. For the same reason I didn't have him tell about his visit to Sasaki in the clubroom. The chapter is already choking on exposition, and all I could do was avoid making it worse.

Another reason is, pretty much all important events are thought-out and ready to go, it's just a matter of time til I can insert them into the story. Tsuruya's secret, Warlocks, Dark Haruhi and her second accomplice (the one who contributed to the message to Mikuru), adult Mikuru's partner, Kyon and Haruhi's conflict, Shiraki, Hanigaru, Tachibana, the Link, Kyon defeating Asakura, the cosplay contest, even the ending - when I'm not writing all those things, I'm busy connecting them together with boring content like in this chapter. Maybe it's my fault for not making every single bit of my fanfic interesting, or maybe it isn't possible at all. At any rate, it's a bother.

Length is a very fluid concept.  I caution you not to worry about length.  It appeals to consistency to always be in some neighborhood of wordcount, but really, things can and will change as you start doing things differently and experimenting.  Try to keep in mind what it is you want a chapter to represent in terms of story structure.  Stories are meant to move forward.  To me, each chapter should do that:  move the story forward in a decisive, irrevocable way.  That is all a chapter must do, in my mind.  It could be quite short, under ten pages.  It could be rather long (like my latest First Ones chapter, which just kept going and going).

I mean, some things do happen in this chapter.  The bit with the watch, for instance.  But it's unfortunate that you chose to make the motives of the sender secret.  It would've been quite interesting to me to see Kyon react to some expression of motive, of why he should comply with the sender's directives for using the watch.  Then, he would have to choose whether to believe the sender or disbelieve, whether to accept that goal and embrace it or to reject it.  By keeping Kyon in the dark, you deprive him of a meaningful choice to make.  There's nothing for him to lose by holding on to the watch until he knows more.

Similarly, Asahina just takes all this knowledge in and can't (or doesn't have the opportunity) to do anything about it.  I think, ultimately, this is where the fault lies in this chapter: the characters in large part lack interesting choices to make.  This tells me you're kinda stuck to the rails that you've put the fic on.  It's not that uncommon a problem.  Rather than thinking about plot and how to put all the pieces together that you want to get down (since you seem to have a lot of them already listed), you may need to think more about the story in terms of character goals.  All the major characters should have goals.  For the most part, they should be personal and unique to each character.  Such a goal should be the source of Haruhi's apparent dissatisfaction and change in behavior.  Dark Haruhi must have some kind of goal, too.  Right now, though, I can lump the rest of the Brigade together--including Kyon!--and say, well, I'm not sure these people have distinct goals that they're pursuing.  They're all just in it together.

It's like the Matrix, man.  Folks need choices to make, or even just the illusion of choice.  When there's no choice, you get just stuff happening.  Exposition.  That may be what happened here.  You do have a bit where Kyon and Koizumi debate how much to tell Asahina and when; that was good.  That choice probes at the nature of Kyon's motivations--to help keep the Brigade intact not just physically, but to foster an emotional closeness that can only come by not keeping secrets.

[Altes]

Well, Act II has only just started, and of course our heroes (and villains, too) will show what individual goals they have chosen for themselves. Kyon's decision is coming in the next chapter. Mikuru will make her decision after everything she's heard from Koizumi sinks in. Koizumi is already looking into Tachibana's disappearance separately from adult Mikuru. Even Haruhi wants something (and it's not as obvious as you might think, Kyon has no idea how far he is from the actual truth). I admit, though, that I haven't thought up a goal for Nagato yet, and I'm not sure she may be interested in anything other than keeping her nakama safe. She hasn't been successful at it recently, however... I'll work on it.