ECB v Capella No Da

[Dracos]

Ahh... Today is such a beautiful day.  The sun is out.  The birds are chirping merrily outside my window.  And the first ECB submission of the day has already been dealt with.

I'd like to welcome you all to the Evil Commentary Bureau reviews.  We are a fair and impartial organization dedicated to the preservation of good writing everywhere.  Our comments and criticism is notably second to none in it's effective analysis of your work.

As always, we allow the author a single response (Due to the vast popularity and the busyness of most of the ECB members, it is all we have time for, very sorry) at the email address: Dracos12@hotmail.com

If you are merely contacting us to flame, do beware, we keep trained artists of the flame on our payroll to deal with ignorant Kapitos.

Now, without further adieu, I present to you the case of the "Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Capella no da"

*Begin ECB*

*Shadow of a Doubt
Part 1
by Capella no da*

Well, I cannot fault you for story title choice.  It truly is an excellent one, used also for the superb musical score of Devil Hunter Yokho.

*Okay, okay. I know that I'm supposed to finish the fics that aren't done yet (almost all of them) before I start a new one, but this plot bunny came up and bit me so I had to write it. It happens in Harry's seventh year and at the same time, it also happens right in the middle of the Third War of the Ring. *

Well, yes, for good authors who deserve respect they tend to finish what they start.  Your grammar here is slightly in errors.  "but the plot bunny came up and bit me, so I had to write it."  Notice as you are referring to a mythological creature and not denoting a specific animal, the proper lead in is 'the' not 'this'.

*Ron and Harry are already lovers by this point. ^_^*

Understood and noted.  You will be expected to demonstrate this in your story in order to maintain the plausibility required of an author.  Moving on then...

*Watch out for falling slash! *

A)This isn't a sufficient warning.  It's a rarely used term indeed to indicate gay pairings.  You ought refer to it as 'yaoi' or, more preferably, 'male/male pairings'.  This is done as a courtesy to your readers.
B)PG-13 YAOI?!  You definitely have this flagged wrong.  Yaoi does not belong in the category PG-13.  It's a sexual fetish that belongs in the category NC-17.


*Review Review! Please? I want to know if this is worth continuing*


Well, your reviews are in.  It is apparent that the fangirl yaoi population loves you.  I personally think they are drugged out of their minds from reading your reviews.  It's absolutely pathetic that upon analysis you got a net total of 4 flames, 4 actually relevant reviews, and 126 meaningless fanmail.  These are usually written multiple times by the same person.  It isn't that hard to say why the fic is good or bad.  You should can your reviewers, they all suck most painfully at your feet.


Okay... you place no break between your disclaimer and prefic author notes and the rest of your story.  Points off for bad formatting.  May I suggest the wondrous line break?  Perhaps the usage of:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To denote that you are starting your fic.

*Harry snuggled even deeper into the warm, fuzzy blankets that wrapped him and sighed contentedly.*

Grammar is your friend.   Well, it used to be.  Now it is my friend.  Because you kicked it in the face.  Your first line should always be grammatically perfect.  "Harry snuggled even deeper into the warm and fuzzy blankets that wrapped around him and sighed contentedly."  The problem with your original is simple, it is ambiguous in its description of the blanket's action.  The blanket is not wrapping him; it is being wrapped around him by his actions.

*He breathed slowly into his pillow, ready to go back into sleep, when suddenly something landed on his stomach. It felt like a body.*

Such secrecy... such mysticism.  I mean, you only bother to keep it ambiguous for less than a sentence.  "ready to go back to sleep" (not into, into would refer to a place that you are entering, not a state of being).  You should use someone, not something and rid yourself of the "It felt like a body."

What are we reading, a third rate horror novel or a fantasy story?  Get your milieu right!

*"Harry! Wake up! It's Christmas!" *

Oh god bleessss the orphan that got his owwwwwn... Orphaned line without any descriptions.  Certainly this could be a stylistic but you aren't consistent in it, making it ugly in relation to the rest of your fic.  Points off for misusage of stylistic prose.

*Wheezing, Harry looked up through long eyelashes at his best friend and lover.*

Well, besides the fact that the description of the air getting knocked out of him is poor and imprecise, you have now set down in storyline, hard rock evidence of Harry's point of view.  This will be remembered and you will have to comply with this for the rest of your fic.  Any deviations from this without ample explanation will result in failing the Make Sense school of criticism.

Additionally, you failed to note Alt universe as this characterization is very hard to swallow in real Harry Potter world.  More points deducted for sloppy storytelling.

*"Bloody hell, Ron. What time is it?" he whispered tiredly, shifting slightly under the heavy weight on his stomach. He couldn't help but smile when Ron pressed a kiss to his lips. *

Well, this third person limited from Harry Potter is quite bad.  You failed to appropriately use body language here and instead use an awkward convention to reveal their 'love'.

*"It's already past noon and you've got a huge pile of presents waiting to be unwrapped. Now wake up, love, before I wake you up myself." Harry could almost hear the grin in his lover's voice. What a nice thing to wake up to on Christmas.*

Somebody has been watching too many soap operas.  Please take your tv and carry it to the nearest pool.  Then jump in.  Hopefully this will solve our problems.

*Ron rolled off and Harry sighed, already missing his warmth. Pulling on his green silk robe that Ron gave him on their first year anniversary ("it'll look smashing with your eyes, Harry, I promise") and his glasses*

The double subject in the first sentence makes it weak.   The interleaved memory bit is grammatically incorrect without a flashback.  Well, points off for incredibly poor flashback skills.

*still bent from his last encounter with Draco, he padded over to the end of his bed. A pile of presents sat at the end of it, all but one he could easily guess who they were from.*

He's what?  16?  17?  18?  He doesn't keep spare sets of glasses around?  Make sense you do not!

*First, he opened a present that had been wrapped up in some brown paper that smelled somewhat like slug repellent. He took out a small wooden carving of a dragon. A note fluttered onto the floor, and Harry picked it up and read: "Norbert came to visit. Wants to see ya right away, he says. Come down to the cabin later with Ron and Hermione. -Hagrid." Harry smiled in fond remembrance. That night in the Forbidden Forest seemed so long ago now.*


A)That dragon can't 'want' anything, it's a big dumb beast.
B)Pardon to the time blind but seven years is a long time ago.  Especially to a teenager like Harry.

Points for stating the blatantly obvious in the last sentence.

Negative ones that is!

*Next Harry picked up a rather lumpy package that happened to be wrapped with a few graded term papers that all had a minus one on the front. He took out a mug of butter beer (which he noted was good cold), and something that was silky black in his hands. Holding it up, he saw with a red face and large eyes that it was a lacy satin chemise. "Hermione!" he gasped, his face going even redder. He opened the card slowly.*

Boy, not only are they openly gay and proud of it but Harry's into girl's clothing.  Man... so believable.  What next, a butt plug?  Perhaps some lube?  Maybe a "Get it On Harry" shirt from one of the other students?

*"Hope you have a good holiday - I'm sure both you and Ron will like your present. Got it with you two especially in mind. Don't forget to do your homework! Love, Hermione"*

Well, this is pretty painful to read.  Plot cries.... and Soap Opera cheers.   Why?  Because we Ignore Common Sense!

*Resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands, Harry unwrapped all the rest of his presents but two. He received five boxes of Bernie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, another broomstick care kit (he had lost his old one), a new cage for Hedwig, and a book from Seamus that had his face bright red again in seconds.*

And because it's not yaoi inclusive we skip right by it!  W00T!  Such excellent move the plot skills!  Man, and the author explanation is great.

And by great I mean sucks ass.  You should never step outside the story to explain what's going on.  If it's not self evident from the story it has failed it's job.


*The next present had him puzzled. It was the size of his fist, and it was hard and round. He unwrapped the plain green wrapping from around it and the object dropped into his lap. *

You mean none of the other unwrapped presents were surprising?  Boy, this is such a blatant attempt to overdramatize...it reminds me of a tale...

You are such a good writer... such a good plotter and writer that I think I should stab you with a knife.   Several times.  In the hand and in the face.

Don't you like the lead in?  It's just like yours...only it's funny!

*It looked like a small, clear glass ball, but when Harry held it up to his face, he could see reflections in it. A mirage of images was trapped in that glass, and Harry was certain it was nothing in the wizard or muggle world he had ever seen. There were too many images to pick apart, but the ones that stuck were a thick gold ring and a very handsome young man with pointed ears. An elf. Harry gasped as the images disappeared suddenly.*

Indeed.  The idea of an illusionary artifact that makes previously unseen images will certainly  DRIVE ME MAD!  BATTY EVEN!  I feel like I'm about to go APE!  Wow...  and this isn't a blatant plot device that has no subtlety is it?  Stop staring into your crystal ball.   No matter how many times you stare at it, it will not make you a good writer.   But maybe...just maybe...if you toss it at your computer...   we won't end up seeing you attempt it again.

*Harry had a feeling that thinking too much about that would just drive him mad. He slipped it into his pajama pocket and picked up the last present, which fit in his palm. It was from Ron. *

Great job making sure no one can miss the plot device gifts.  That's a bad thing btw.  And yes, your crystal ball will drive everyone mad.  It's a very special crystal ball.  It's called... the movies!  And such excellent description, and Ron just stands there un-described the whole time.  Lovely keeping the reality of it.

Make sense has not failed you yet...  but it doesn't like you.  It wishes you would eat mud.

*Unwrapping the red paper from the present, Harry looked at the velvet jewelry box with fear. Ron couldn't want him to....he just couldn't. *

You mean.... like the fact you started it with the premise that they were lovers...  and you smashed this in our face.... so

CLEARLY HARRY MUST FEAR COMMITMENT!

...

or the author is on crack.

One of those.

*Harry opened the box and let out a short sob when he saw the glittering gold band inside and the note that simply said, "I love you. Marry me."**

Character inconsistencies!  Wheee! And Ron is still completely ignored.  What a powerful scene...
It's so grand and  special... I nearly stubbed my toe tripping over it!

*
A million thoughts whirled in his mind. He was too young to get tied down like this - he wanted to be a world famous Seeker, he wanted to destroy Voldemort for good, he wanted so many things. But he loved Ron, didn't he?*

And this is where make sense leaves the room to cry.  How could you have beaten upon it so much.  You nearly had an entire chapter that barely passed the make sense school.  But then you did THIS!

May I suggest utilizing your delete key.  Some would call it...mercy killing.

*Wishing he had the Marauder's Map right now, Harry ran deeper into the Hogwarts castle, down many halls and passages until even he didn't know where he was. Ducking into an empty space in the wall that looked to have held a statue at sometime, Harry curled into a ball on the floor and sobbed.

His hands clutched at his pajama bottoms until he thought they would burst. Harry was reaching into his pocket to get the ring again when the glass ball fell out onto the floor. It faintly glowed green.

Harry picked it up and held it in a tight grip. "Please, oh please, help me..." he prayed, not sure why he was. "Just help me get away!"

Then, in a burst of green and gold light, Harry was gone and all that was left was a broken glass orb, laying shattered on the floor. *

Please help me be OOC both internally and externally.   Please help me skip around dimensions.   Please help Ron be a stone figure that just watches.  Please help explain the plot hole you use as your main device.

Meanwhile Paul Simon graces us with Fifty Ways to leave your Lover...
(Not the original song)
Just stab him in the back, jack,
Treat him like dirt, kurt,
Act like a rat, pat,
Be a yaoi bastard!

Well....that brings us to the end of chapter 1 and the jury has judged that:

Jury: Ahem, it appears that she failed the Make Sense school in chapter 1.  Proceeding on is pointless because the fic foundation is wretchedly flawed.  Additionally, I sincerely hope no young children had their eyes seared out by this author's almost criminal disregard for proper warnings.  The writing here deserves the utmost contempt for abuse of style and attempt to foist your own sexual fetishes on a pair of book characters.    We regret having been forced to judge this case.

Judge: The verdict is in, the fic indeed stinks.  The reviewers are highly unbeneficial and as a whole a bunch of Kapitos.  The grammar is passable, but only barely.  The plot itself is a whirling hole of deprivation.  As it has failed both good taste and making sense, Dr. Plot requests that it be executed immediately.

This has been your friendly ECB.  Your judgment was fair and impartial.  Have a Nice Day.