ECB vs Sailor Moon Cliche Champion

[Dracos]

Hello folks and welcome to another session of the Evil Commentary Bureau.  It's a fine Sunday morning up here where it is cold and the perfect time for another fic to come under our scrutiny.  The fic in question today is a sailor moon fic posted on Tannim's archive and submitted by one of our many supporters.  It apparently is up for a cliché contest crossing over Sailor Moon and Ranma.  Therefore the author should feel very fortunate to catch the glimpse of our dedicated C&C'ing staff.  A second scanning notes that the author is also the holder of the very challenge, so this is also an advertisement fic for what to expect from the Sailor Moon Cliché Challenge meant to inform people of it.  He certainly should have chose a better start up fic.

As always the author will be allowed a single retort to the ECB to indicate any concerns, defend themselves, or even, as happens more often than not, thank us for our analysis.  Due to the vast demand, only one response will be allowed, sent to the e-mail account: Dracos12@hotmail.com.

This will be archived with all other Evil Commentary Bureau posts on the Evil Commentary Bureau site.  http://dracos.anifics.com.

Therefore without further adieu we begin the case of:
"The Evil Commentary Bureau versus Cliché Writer who needs a hell of a lot of training"

<Begin ECB>

Moonlight Kitty

ECB: Well, at least he starts with a title.  That's better than the last guy submitted.

a fanfiction

by

Targhan (targhan_aga@yahoo.com)

Note: Voting has began at "http://www.beeftrapeze.com/challenge/", the
Ranma½-SailorMoon Crossover Creator and Archive.

ECB: Whee, self advertisement.  This may even be worth entering if this was the competition.

Disclaimer:  The characters and backgrounds of Ranma 1/2 & SailorMoon do not
belong to me.  They belong to their respective copyright holders.  This fanfiction was
produced without any monetary compensation.

ECB: Okay, this is nice to see.  So many folks forget to put out a disclaimer.  You could have looked up the copyright holders and written them out but it's far better than most unfortunately.

Background Information:  This story takes place prior to the original neko-ken
appearance in the Ranma1/2 story.  I really don't know where this would be in the
SailorMoon series.  Another important change would be related to just who the little old
lady was that helped Ranma during the original neko-ken story.

ECB: Okay, first it is a good thing to note that you are doing an altverse, though a better author would have it reflected in the story in such a fashion that explanation of it would be excessive.
Second, when prior?  And you don't even know when you are crossing over the Sailor Moon series?  You are telling us right off the bat that you don't have a good base built to tell this story from.
Finally, your comment on the old lady: That shouldn't come out here.  It should show up in your story.  It's flex room built into the canon, you don't have to explain that it's something different.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
The Beginning
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

ECB: ooh, attempt at cute formatting.  Heh, I am amused.

"Meow," stated Neko-Ranma as he turned to look at the giant creature.  

ECB: Where is the setting?  You are starting from an omniscient perspective in this, seeing the thoughts of both the youma and Ranma.  You are setting no background for how this scenario started.  You aren't placing Ranma anywhere.  You aren't describing what Ranma looks like here.  You are just telling us what's going on instead of showing anything.  Points off here for your weak beginning.  Next your verb usage sucks.  You use 'stated' for the feral animalistic form of Neko-Ranma?  Stated is a calm and direct method of speaking that has nothing in common with Ranma's atmosphere in Nekoken mode.  Purred, growled, mewled, chirped curiously...any verb that more adequately conveys the atmosphere of Ranma here.

Then, he paced
back and forth looking at the thing.  That's when Neko-Ranma's tummy

ECB: Golly, boring description.  "Then he stalked towards the beast, curiously circling the large birdlike creature."  Give DESCRIPTION.  Thing?  THING?!  Such an inelegant term.  Describing nothing of what is going on.  All that we get from this first paragraph is Ranma being hungry, in neko mode and looking at something big.  Boy, I really know what is going on!

started talking to
him, well rumbling anyway.

ECB: Boring.  Save this type of sentence structure for something interesting.  Talking rhetoric is a bad way to scene set.

Meanwhile, the creature from the Negaverse was trying to figure out what to do with this
odd human.  It looked as if it may have a heart crystal.  However, the

ECB: Second paragraph and I still don't know what this thing looks like.  Points off for description.

possibility was
insane!  That odd boy wasn't even acting human.  That's when the

ECB: And this matters why?  First off you've just put the time setting in Sailor Moon by mentioning heart crystals.  Second they were only looking for pure heart crystals and always planned beforehand who they would hit.  Third, there is always a witch in that arc backing any daimon.  Get your terminology correct if you are going to use that universe setting.  A daimon cannot draw out a heart crystal.  Only a witch can.  Man, don't you know your own source material?  This might be fine in a pure altverse fic, but given you are claiming to be working off Sailor Moon and Ranma, this is wretched usage of your source material.

creature picked up
the first cue that it may just be in danger; the teenager meowed.  

ECB: BORING.  VERY BORING.  You have no energy in this scene.  My criticism has more energy and pep in it than this stare off.  There is no suspense, no feeling of emotion, nothing.  Just mechanical perceptions that make little sense in context.  As you show down below.

Normally a Youma
wouldn't worry about such a thing, but this Youma had a slight problem--it was big,
yellow, and feathery.  The creatures eyes went wide, as it realized

ECB:Big bird the youma.  Besides not listing a source material here, this is dull.  This is an unnecessary crossover, and a scene that just isn't portrayed believably.  I'll go a bit in depth in a moment on how you ruin any plausibility in this scene.  Just note here you have a bird youma who is afraid and somehow perceives the thought paths of Ranma (Bad form here).

that this silly human
thought it was lunch!

Neko-Ranma had been rather hungry for a while, since his last full meal was days ago.  

ECB:Besides being hard to believe for anytime in published Ranma continuity, meaning it must be before then if you want credibility, what does it add to tell us this?  It is revealing stuff that doesn't flow naturally.

Neko-Ranma didn't remember much about how it got into this part of town, just that he,
kinda, dropped in.  Since that time, he had been rummaging through trash-cans,
catching small rodents, and other things the author just refuses to go into.  Needless to
say, that gurgling in the pit of his stomach was demanding action, and action it was
going to get!

ECB: There are many things wrong with this.  The fourth wall breaking is the most notable bit.  The telling style is almost as bad.  Finally the lack of background to these events is appalling.

With a loud "Rawr," the martial artist turned cat leaped at the neck of

ECB: "Rawr"...I'm so afraid.  He does have a human throat.  Watch:
With a fearsome roar, Neko-Ranma pounced high at the neck of the giant bird.

Going further, this accents your earlier weak descriptions of the events.  Making them worse.


the giant
tweety-monster!  The monster was taken completely off guard at the speed and ferocity
of its attacker.  Squealing in protest, the monster tried to use a

ECB: *Yawns* You are using a cliché.  This is noted.  But you could try and make it not as boring.  Fight scenes that last less than a paragraph are pathetic.  Better taken off camera.

special wing-to-wind
attack, to no avail.  Neko-Ranma quickly bounced off of a tree and around the lazy
swing of his prey.  Suddenly, Neko-Ranma struck at the bird's right wing, severing it
with giant invisible chi-claws.

ECB: Proper descriptive terms are important.  Neko-Ranma's claws aren't giant by any standards.  Go reread the canon before using something like that.


"Squawk, silly mortal do you think mere physical attacks," began the

ECB: And therein is where we have the first major internal inconsistency.  A two part one here.  First with the youma being even scared at all earlier doesn't mesh with this.  Next given the youma just had a wing sliced off with ease, the line makes no sense.  Make Sense gives you a red card here.  Big Bird cries at the abuse to his character.

bird-creature, as it
had to turn to avoid being hit again by it's unusually lithe opponent.  Trying to slow it's
opponent by threatening it, the bird began to gather energy into it's glowing red eyes.  
Unfortunately, the bird's opponent wasn't a Senshi, like it had been expecting, but a
rather hungry cat.  Before the bird could continue its speech, it felt

ECB:  Senshi are noted to give speeches.  Daimon's are noted to interrupt speeches.  They generally aren't conversationalists.  They are weapons of destruction for the witches.  They are told to attack something and attack it.  They don't do witty banter.  Therefore there isn't witty banter to interrupt.  Beside the fact that with a wing ripped off, no one would try and banter with the enemy.

a terrible pain in its
neck, and that was the last thing it felt.  Thus, BigBird became an entree.

ECB: What a dramatic finisher.  I can just picture the scene.  Did I mention you need to work on your descriptions?  And your Battle Scenes?  And your entire writing style?  And the fact that having a weak opener leads people to think your entire fic is weak?

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Around the Corner
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

ECB:Using scene changes as your setting is weak.  It doesn't give your scene any starting power or feeling.  Especially bad as you still haven't built a setting.

Going unnoticed by the two, there was a group of heroines present.  The

ECB: This is what we call: "Building the scene after the fact".  It doesn't work.  You can add unnoticed features but without building a scene that allows for them leaves everyone wondering what is going on.  You built no setting.  You are now adding to your void.  This doesn't work.

defenders of
love and justice were witness to the carnage.  Jupiter, Moon, Venus,

ECB: Telling us stuff instead of showing it in character.  Narrators are as a rule usually boring folks.  I want to see the game, not hear about it from the narrator.  Same with a story.

and Mercury were
watching in disturbed awe at the grotesque sight.  Mars, however, had a

ECB: Is it that much to use their real names instead of their senshi identities?  Oh wait, they are transformed...  that makes them being unnoticed even more of an impossibility.  The senshi, in both manga and anime, are very visible.

completely
different and unexpected approach.  She transformed quietly back into the simple
priestess, Rei Hino.

ECB: Too calm, too controlled, and this is the hot head of the group.

"Get out of here, you guys,"  Rei demanded in a hushed tone, as she tried to physically
turn the greenish SailorMoon around.

ECB: Spacing is your friend, along with proof reading.

"That," began Mercury, "is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen."

The other girls were nodding in agreement, but Rei interrupted them again, "Guys, I
detransformed.  Do you want our secret to become public?  Go on, get out of here!"  

ECB: Besides dropping her disguise right there, talking with a normal Rei is going to be the big indicator of who the senshi are to those people who are just standing there.  Yep.  That will certainly be a bigger indicator than visually watching a senshi transform.  This is beside the fact that you are poorly mocking the milieu.  These senshi by now have died, been ripped apart themselves.  This is a little weak.

Rei's temper was beginning to flair, but the other Senshi finally picked up on what Rei
was saying.  Usagi transformed, and the other girls left the area.

ECB: ...  This...is so believable.  I am twitching.  I'm twitching so much my hand may just put a dagger through this monitor in the abject hope that it may kill you.  Where to START...
A)You had Usagi transformed at the beginning of this scene.
B)You had the senshi leave as a group abandoning Usagi and Rei.
C)You had the senshi do this before a potential FIGHT?!
D)Rei's temper was beginning to flare?  Now?  After issuing commands?  This is certainly believable with no senshi reactions to space it out.
E)Your sentence structure needs a ton of work.  There isn't any power to your sentences.
F)This is your grade.  Hug it.  It's a mercy.


"What are you still doing here, Usagi?" questioned Rei.

ECB: Wow, Powerful verb.  QUESTIONED!  Inquired...  queried...  perhaps add an emotion?  This could be done by a computer it's so drab.

"Shouldn't we stop that monster?  What can you do without your Senshi powers?  I
meanthatcatpersoncouldbedangerousandkillyouandweneedyoureiyoucantdieonus,"
speaking quickly and beyond normal comprehension, Usagi pressed her concern.

ECB: ...

"Usagi, that isn't a monster,"  Rei stated with a saddened tone.  Straightening herself
up, she continued, "That is the sickening result of an ancient martial arts technique.  
The victim has to be treated just right, or they can stay like that for months--or, forever.  
The Senshi can't help him, but I think, I hope, I can."

ECB: Sure...  I believe this.  You neglect to put the scenes necessary to make this believable on camera.  But we will accept this.  Like we accept a knife to the face.  With SHOCK AND DISBELIEF!

"Rei!  I don't understa," Usagi began, the pitch in her voice raising, as she was about to
begin a rather famous wail.  She was, however, cut off.

ECB: You are really doing a number here.  You cut her off a full sentence before you say you cut her off.  You use no notation to indicate it wasn't a typo, and then you note it mechanically.

"Usagi, get out of here!" demanded Rei.  When Usagi's tears dried just a bit, Rei
continued, "That guy is dangerous, Usagi.  He is probably more dangerous than any
creature we've ever fought.  He's also suffering right now, that's what

ECB: Yes, never mind that by the time they are all united they take on things that can level street blocks without too much trouble.  Never mind that Rei is acting as a voice for the author, not acting anything like Rei.  Never mind that you've tossed too much to be swallowed on a single plate.  Just keep writing on.  Your FFnet Fans will LOVE YOU FOR IT!

happens to those
under the neko-ken.  He is suffering more than I can imagine, and he needs to be
saved.  I can save him, but to do it I have to earn his trust.  I cannot earn his trust with
you there.  I promise, after I clean him up, that I'll explain more

ECB: You mean without the expert in gaining people's trust?  The person who probably holds the record for Shoujo manga for the most major characters that have turned over to her side and trusted her?  Yep, let's send Usagi away.  Go Rei, for GREAT JUSTICE.

about it, and that I will be
OK.  "

ECB: Sure.  Rei just finished her course in dealing with Nekoken survivors.  She's totally confidant that she will succeed.  I mean we have no reason to suspect she met Ranma already as you haven't shown this at all.  But a complete stranger will be trusted without even a good reason, yessiree.  Go Rei, you can't possibly fail!  After all, it would ruin the author's story if he didn't use a cliché that any female character would easily succeed in taming Ranma's nekoken state on their first try while demonstrating extreme knowledge of what's going on.

Somewhat satisfied with the explanation, Usagi nervously left to join her other friends at
Ami's house.

ECB: Very Usagi.  So Usagi that if you removed her name I'd still recognize her.  Btw, I'm lying.  A lot.  This is so blatantly OOC for Usagi who is phenomenal in her curiosity, especially with her friends involved, her tendancy to help people, etc.

"Finally," Rei thought, "she's gone."  When her friends were out of sight, she let her
facade of toughness drop.  Then, she leaned over a rock, and she began hurling.  The
sight that she witnessed was unbearable, a human guy was ripping and shredding the
monster with his bear teeth and hands.  The guy was literately covered in blood, as he
devoured the monster.  Now, how to deal with the guy stuck in the neko-ken...

ECB: This is so plausible.  No, I'm not even going to bother with sarcasm here.  The scene sucks ass from beginning to end.  Please take your muse outside and use the machete on it.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Tendo Home
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

Genma was a mess with a mountain of pain weighing upon him.  Unlike Soun's wailing,
Genma just sat  propping his elbows on his knees with his head in his

ECB: PROOFREADING IS YOUR FRIEND!

hands.  While he
wasn't wailing,  he was throwing a pity-party for himself.  Ranma had been gone for
several days, which in itself wasn't terribly disturbing, but Akane had just stated that
Ranma purred at her.

ECB:*Sweatdrops* Have you even read the manga?  At all?  You are actually setting this sometime in the manga or anime continuity.  Go read it again before writing this, because this stinks.

"Mr. Saotome?" Kasumi asked.

Soun turned to his friend, and asked (while gathering himself from a wailing fit), "What is

ECB:Gah...inserting a new writing stylistic this late in the fic?  Parenthetical notation isn't to be used for that anyways.  It doesn't belong in a story.  Maybe in a report it would, but not in a story.  In the words of another writer: "I wrote better than this in 3rd grade!".  Your writing level is nothing short of pathetic.  Did you even have someone preread this before inflicting it on the world at large?

it, my old friend?"

Genma replied simply, "The neko-ken."

ECB: It takes several days to get this out?  They didn't handle it on day one?

Akane turned from her spot by the window, "What does that mean?  Is it something that
will make Ranma stay away like this?  Ranma is training in a new special technique,
right?"

ECB: This isn't plausible any time later than five minutes after the event.

All eyes turned to Genma, as he said, "No, little Akane, what it means is that we're
going to have to find him, or he may not realize to come back."

ECB: *Cries*  My poor plausibility.  What has been done to you!  WHY?!  IN THE NAME OF HATRED WHY?!

Akane's eyes opened wide, as she bellowed, "What do you mean, he may not realize to
come back, what happened to Ranma??!!"  Akane's face twisted into a display of
confusion and anger with her question.  "Whatever it was," Akane thought, "it's Mr.
Saotome's fault."

ECB: You used a good verb above, but meshed it with bad punctuation, grammar, and most wretchedly complete and utter disregard for building plausible characters.  And sure she blames Genma.  No one ever blames Genma besides Ranma in the original continuity.  Even during the original scene it was "oh that was bad", then the focus returns to Ranma.  You are also extending Akane's feelings beyond plausibility for how long they've known each other.  *Sigh* Character favoritism isn't so bad but when you flaunt it out right beside a character bash it is ugly.  This isn't post canon Akane, you don't have the built up relationship at this point.

Kasumi put a comforting hand on Akane's shoulder to reassure her younger sister,
whom she knew was trying to hide her concern.  On the other hand,

ECB: GAH...telling us...multiple perspectives... and contradicting tell from show.  FYAD KAPITO!

Nabiki rolled her
eyes, and she, well, looked bored.  Thus, they waited for Mr. Saotome to explain further.


Genma looked up from his hands, and began, "You see, when Akane punted Ranma
away for being affectionate towards her, he was under the neko-ken.  Ranma isn't really
coherent when he's under the neko-ken.  He thinks like, acts like, and should be
considered a cat.  He doesn't know right from wrong, he knows who he likes, he knows
who he dislikes, but he can't speak.  While under the neko-ken, Ranma isn't human.  
Akane, you kicked away an affectionate kitty, not your supposedly perverted betrothed."

ECB:  This is so credible that I feel like peeling my own eyes out of my skull with a wooden spoon.  Just so I won't ever see something like this again.

Akane stood in shock, "Oh, Ranma."

Finally, Genma told the tale of how Ranma learned the neko-ken.  By the time he
finished, everyone wore the same look of shock that Akane did.  Kasumi was
disappointed, Nabiki was appalled, Soun was shocked, and Akane was, you guessed it,
mad.

ECB: What I noted above...holds true here throughout.  This makes no sense several days afterwards.  They'd react at the LATEST the next day.  And even that isn't plausible with Genma around.

Before anyone else could start a berating session, Nabiki interjected with common
sense, "Well, it sounds like we shouldn't waste any time looking for him."

Akane had a very disturbing thought as they prepared to look for Ranma, "He purred
and rubbed on me.  Ranma, does this mean that you..."

ECB: Okay, pardon me.  I have to put a bullet through your head.
And for many reasons.
A)Akane perceptive?
B)ABOUT ROMANCE?
C)BESIDES IT BEING TOTALLY OUT OF LINE WITH WHAT YOU WROTE EARLIER FROM GENMA?
D)Someone just rose evidence that you may have indeed read the episode.  In which case you deserve to die even more for being so utterly pathetic.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Ami's House
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

Makoto was confused, "So you left her alone?"  Makoto had expected Usagi to at least
hang around in the background to keep an eye on Rei.  Then, before

ECB: Be in character?  "No, being an asshole!"

Usagi could
answer, "You saw how easily he took down that Youma, Rei could get hurt!"

ECB:And they left anyway.  You are a fucking moron who doesn't think about what he is writing in the least.

"But, she insisted!" Usagi exclaimed, then wailed, "Waaaaah!  Rei said she could
handle it!  She said if I didn't go thatpeoplecouldgethurt... Waaaah!"
ECB: Not even a bit.  And I assume you are using Anime continuity given you are acting as if Usagi is still just out of the gates.  American anime continuity that is.

Ami had her face in her left hand, as she grumbled, "Guys. Stop.  We have
communicators, remember?"

ECB: Baka.  Baka Baka Baka.  BAD PLOT DEVICES!

Minako took the que, and clicked the button on her communicator.  The

ECB: May want to look up the real words next time.  Que=cue.

voice on the
other side was, in fact, that of Rei.  It was what Rei was saying, and likely doing, that
perturbed the group...

ECB: The communicators require Rei to turn it on and accept the message, as far as I know.

"Damn it," Rei's voice was heard from the communicator, "Hold still.  You are covered in
blood, and we've got to get it off of you.  I know kitties don't like water, but this is
ridiculous.  It's only a rag, kitty-san, and it's nice warm water.  Oh!  you don't mind if it's
warm water? OK, why didn't you say so?"

ECB: Pathetic.  And Ranma showing consciousness at this level in nekoken?!

The girls looked back and forth among themselves quietly, as they heard a male voice
over the communicator, "Meow."  Then, before they could say anything to Rei, they
heard her voice again, "My, aren't we a handsome felluh' under all of

ECB: This isn't Rei's dialect.  At all.  It's not even close.  What next, Usagi speaking with a british dialect?

that grime!  OK, I
suppose you're clean enough. C'mon, be a good kitty--lap.  Good kitty!"  The girls
quickly turned off the communicator when the loud purring resonated from it.

ECB: ... you rely on bad plot devices the whole bloody fic.  Can't you use one clean plot device?  Or build one of these crappy ones into a good one?  Execution is EVERYTHING.

Usagi whined, "Why'de you turn it off Minako?"  Then, the thought was

ECB: But then, SO IS PROOFREADING!

echoed by the
other girls, who all looked at Minako expectantly.

Minako blushed, and stated, "Well, you see.. I think it's kind of like spying on a date, so I
had to turn it off!"

ECB: I'm just so bored by this plot device I can't even bring myself to elaborate on the problems with it.

The rest of the Senshi all looked back and forth, then back at her in agreement.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Hino Shrine
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

Rei sat and stroked the victim of neko-ken training, who was currently occupying her
lap.  Using the training she had from her late grandmother, what little chi control she
had was turned to soothing the guy in her lap.  

ECB: Very weak explanation.  Extremely so.

As Ranma finally began to doze, Rei's grandfather found his way into the shrine, "Hello
Rei!  Huh?"  When Rei didn't answer him, he took a closer look at where she was sitting
and what she was doing.  Then he said something that nearly broke her concentration,
"Why, I've seen you've found Ranma again!  Your Granny would be so proud of you.  I
miss your Grandmother, Rei, but know that she is proud of you finding Ranma again."

ECB:  Surely they recognize him after six to ten years very easily.  And they are all so glad to find him.  My stomach is turning in pain at this plot device.

Rei tried to maintain her concentration as she spoke, "Ranma?  Again?  Wait, you mean
the little boy that Granny did this for when I was little?"

ECB: *Sighs*

Rei's grandfather continued in a tone conveying joy, "Yuppers!  That

ECB: Much pain to you who doesn't even try to be anywhere near the original character.  "In a tone conveying joy"?  In a joyful tone?  "YUPPERS?"  *STABS YOU*


looks just like 'em,
only older!"  His face turned thoughtful for a moment before he continued, "She was
right too, I bet he is a little hear-breaker!  You're a lucky girl!"

ECB: And of course he makes sexual innuendos when dealing with a nekoken ranma which he knows previously...Certainly...this is plausible...like a knife to the face from above

"GRANDPA!" Rei exclaimed, nearly losing the concentration she had on healing
Ranma's chi-field, which was warped by the amount of time he was stuck in the
neko-ken.

ECB: Adding in extra twists not evidenced in the original.  Doable, but not by an author of your skill level.  It's generally wise to build up to difficult plot devices.  Work with what you have until you know it and are an expert in executing it, and then build higher.  Not work with a challenging plot device and just toss it out there.

Rei's grandfather laughed, and continued, "Yes!  If I were you, I would make sure to
keep him away from your little girlfriends.  If you don't, I would appreciate it if you would
take my camera, and..."

Rei cut off her perverted grandfather, "Oooh! You SICKO!"  Then, she threw the a scroll
at him.

ECB: Taking a cliché and making it worse.  I see.  YOU ARE OF THE HUNG SCHOOL OF WRITING!  It's all clear to me now!

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Sometime Later
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

Ranma was stuck walking back and forth between the Hino shrine and the Juuban train
station.  His tormentor?  A girl.  After a day and a half of chi-field healing and life stories,
he still couldn't understand why the priestess in training was still willing to be his friend.  

ECB:...  I... hate... bad... plot...devices...  AND THIS IS THE WORST.  THE ABSOLUTE WORST.  TIME SKIPPING AND THEN REFERENCING BACK EVENTS THAT MAKE LITTLE SENSE?  RANMA NOT GOING BACK HOME? GAH!  May ye be subjected to a thousand lashes of the pen.

"Well, I guess she was kinda my friend for a little while when we were kids, but at least
we aren't engaged," he thought to himself on the last trip to train station, where he
would be going back home.

ECB: This is so horrid.

"Ranma, I want you to know how to get back to the shrine, in case this ever happens
again.  Granny didn't have a chance when we were kids to show you back and forth like
this, but I want to make sure that the directions are ingrained into that hard head of
yours,"  Rei spoke with the tone a grade school teacher reserves for a troublesome
student.

ECB: Yes, directions ingrained into his brain...which is notably in the off position while he is in the nekoken.  Besides the way to do this is not by telling the directions but by consistently traveling there until it is reflexive to head that way.  Pardon me for introducing any sense of realism.

"H Hey!" Ranma exclaimed, "I though you were my friend!"

ECB: -.- does everyone have to use this cliché line?  It's bad enough how it's overused, but to misuse it like you are here is almost criminal.

"I am," Rei began, "but the location of the shrine is very important for you to know
upside down and backwards.  Remember, it's not you, but the other you that has to
remember how to get back and forth.  You know, it's not like you can just expect the
neko-ken to come out, and get back to the shrine first."

ECB: And telling it to him many times will achieve this.  Everyone knows just being told something is the penultimate memorization technique.  How could you go WRONG!

"Yeah yeah," Ranma replied, "Uhm, thanks, I guess."

ECB: Uh...huh.

"No thanks needed, Ranma," Rei responded, "what are friends for?"

Ranma's internal friend counter could almost be heard clicking up a notch, as Rei
confirmed that she was his friend.  However, he was relieved that she let go of his arm.

ECB: X_X Taking ideas from other authors and then executing them clumsily as you don't know what you are doing.  You don't blend this in with your writing.  Hum, for symmetry:
The fics internal quality counter could almost be heard clicking down a notch, as the author confirmed that he was an idiot.

As they finally approached the train, Rei leaned in and hugged him, "You are always
welcome at the shrine, even if you just need to get away from all of those fiancée's for a
while."  

ECB: This is what we call OUT OF CHARACTER.  Rei being clingy without any build up?  Feh.

Ranma boarded the train somewhat stiffly, after the hug.  He never could get used to
girls hanging on him.  "Girls are all bakas," he thought as he finally sat down.

ECB: The Author is a baka.

On the walk home, Rei suddenly felt a little lonely.  "Well," she thought, "at least he
didn't learn about the Senshi.."

ECB: ...  this...is ...pathetic.  Really really really bad.  Have you no idea how to write a story?  This reads like some tossed together concepts.  The bones under them are broken.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Nerima, Tendo Dojo
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

"Ranma!" Kasumi yelled, as she ran to the recently misplaced martial artist. "We've all
been so worried about you!  Everyone is out looking for you, come on in!  I've got
something special on the stove for you!"

ECB: yes, she knew he'd be back today.  So she just had to cook something special just for him!  Recently?  Almost a week is recent?

Ranma's pace picked up considerably, as his stomach suddenly missed the
Kasumi-Buffet!

Later that evening, Akane's emotions were outwardly a rollercoaster, "Ranma, don't
scare me, uh us, like that again!  What would I, uhm we, do without you?"

ECB: You do IDIOTIC TIME SKIPPING AGAIN.  Gah.  This normally requires thought!  You are just skipping over events without even considering what would happen during them.

Ranma replied, "I'm sorry, I was kinda stuck in the neko-ken.  You know I wouldn't
willingly just wonder off like that.  Geez, you aren't as uncute when you're a worry wort!"

ECB: And here we see painful characterization.

"Aaargh, Ranmaaaaaaaaaa!" Akane bellowed, "I'm surprised you didn't get another
cute fiancéee while you were gone.  Ranma no baka!"

ECB: VARIETY!  You used bellow already... there are dozens of other good verbs to go there.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
Hino Shrine
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

Usagi pressed Rei more, "So what?  He said he didn't want any of those fiancée's, so
you could be his girlfriend!"

ECB: -.- *Pulls out gun*

Rolling her eyes, Rei commented, "Oh yeah, that's it Usagi, I could just add to his
troubles.  That's real smart, meatball-head."

ECB: -.- *places to head*

"Don't call me meatball-head, baka," Usagi retorted, "You could have just turned away
true love!"  Then, Usagi clamped her hands together, looked up, and little hearts began
popping up around her head.

ECB:-.-  *Fires*

Rei just lowered her head in defeat, "Yeah, whatever, meatball head.  Shouldn't you be
at Ami's getting ready for that test or sump'tin?"

ECB: X_X

Usagi began to giggle, "Sump'tin.  I bet you got that word from him!"

ECB: X_X

Rei had enough of this pressure, she had far more important things to do that to waste
her life away hunting for that elusive thing known as love, so she simply said, "Usagi,
shut up."

ECB: You mean Rei, the scout who is one of the most successful daters?  Who dates darien?

Around the corner, Rei's grandfather was smiling evilly.  He thought momentarily about
interrupting the girls, but he shook his head and walked off.  Silently, he added, "That's
four fiancée's my little Rei, you didn't think Ranma's father could have stolen him away
from Granny without help, did you?"

ECB: *throws up*

Naturally, Rei never heard any of this.

oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo
THE END
oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo

ECB: THANK THE DEVILS
I hope this little story was enjoyable, and that any OOC'ness was minimal.  I was going
to just leave off with Ranma's return home, but it just didn't seem right to do so.  The
name of the story has a double meaning.  The name not only refers to the fact that it's a
Ranma and SailorMoon crossover, but it also refers to "moonlighting," the act of working
somewhere other than your normal job.  It looks like the moonlighting isn't over yet,
because Neko-Ranma may have developed the taste for Youma!  Seriously, I can't
promise how far I'll take this story, so I'll try not to leave too many cliff-hangers along the
way.


ECB: It's bad form to need to explain the future in the author's notes.

Targhan
targhan_aga@yahoo.com
www.geocities.com/targhan_aga/
www.beeftrapeze.com/challenge/

ECB:
Okay now it is time for the final judgment.  The fic premise is salvageable, but that's about it.  Your grammar needs quite a bit of work, but not nearly as much as your characterization.  It makes me question if you've seen the source material in any reasonable time frame.  I don't think you have.  Worse you put this out advertising a competition.  This really should have been of a much higher level.

The make sense school fails you.  Start this from the top again, cleaning up your premises and working a lot on your execution and you may well have a fic.

*yawns* Well I've been bored to sleep, thanks.