The Evil Commentary Bureau Versus the Most Pathetic SI Ever

[Dracos]

It's another darling friday morning here in the comp labs of RPI and, as always, we have another brilliant fic submitted for the review of the Evil Commentary Bureau.  Written by an author with the eye-catching name of "KawaiiFryingPanChick" it looks already to be another 'winner'.  Our skilled reviewer shall anaylze the fic on it's own merits and give the author an unbiased analysis of the fic.

All Evil Commentary Bureau productions are recorded for the public record at Http://dracos.anifics.com under the Evil

Commentary Bureau section of the site.  As always the author of the fic being reviewed is allowed one response to use as she pleases.  Our reviewers are in quite high demand, therefore we apologize for the limited amount of correspondance the author is allocated.  Please send your one respond to dracos12@hotmail.com.

Therefore without further adieu the Evil Commentary Bureau presents the case of:
"The Evil Commentary Bureau versus The Most Pathetic SI Ever"

*Begin ECB*

ME: Konnichiwa minna-san! Hi everyone, this is a really messed up fanfiction, KFPC will explain.

ECB: What's this?  No starting with your title or disclaimer?  Instead...with a page of preauthor jibber jabber?  For shame!  And what's with the pathetic separating of yourself from your author persona?  It's almost as disgusting as you reviewing your own fic three times.  And what is with the extraneous Japanese?  Is English too good for you?

KFPC: Okee! Alright people, you get to choose the ending! Who will Ranma end up with Akane, Kodachi, Nabiki, Ukyo, Shampoo, Ranma-chan(hehe), or of course, me!

ECB: Hello acryonym for a faceless, undescribed, apparently brainless SI.  I know, this is to scare people away so they don't read your fic isn't it?  You put a page of a script discussion between yourself and yourself and say "Damn, I'm COOL!" so that everyone collapses twitching.

ME: You know no one will read that last one, in fact everyone will probably just read the first! Stupid Akane.

ECB: If you don't like Akane and can't do a fair portrayal of her, why write her at all?  It's obnoxious trying to do fanservice to readers you don't care about or agree with.  In fact most Akane fans will simply stop reading here because your bias is obvious.  I posit though another possibility: Everyone who looks at this will glance at chapter 1...  note all the other chapters are instantly endings...  and never read beyond chapter 1.

KFPC: Yeah, Juli-chan made an Akane Killers Yahoo Club, if you wanna join, say something about it in your review, and leave your email address!

ECB: There's something called Tact.  It's generally wise to have it in your author's notes.  "Yeah, I'm writing an Akane matchup part too...Would you like to join an Akane Killers Club?"

ME: Anyways, pleez **gets on hands and knees** read at least more than one ending!!! I'm

ECB: Please, and groveling is disgusting.  Can you not even spell words correctly?  Netlingo isn't cool while writing a fic.

only gonna make one story, the default chappie, and the ending of your choice.

ECB: chapter, not chappie.

KFPC: This sounds kinda like a mature Tenchi fic I read on MM.org.

ECB: "Hello, I stole someone elses concept but executed it poorly.  I couldn't possibly link to the ones who inspired this, nope nope nope.  I just want to say it sounds like some other fic."

ME: Yeah, the setup is kinda similar, thanks whoever the heck you are. Now, the first default chappie is really a waste of space and just funny suggestive stuff. The other chappies are so super fluffy, it hurts me to write it.

ECB: ...  Then why subject us to them?  Why write something that has no purpose and then go into straight endings off of that which will all, without even looking, stink by virtue of following this pile of shit?

KFPC: Yeah right, you know you love it.

ECB: Ah I see, so you could do a lame joke.

ME: SHHHHH!!! Let us begin. Oh, I dunno if I have to put this first, (this is my 1st fic)

ECB: And if the devils in hell have mercy it will be your last fic.

but Ranma totally belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, cuz if I owned it, I'd kill Akane and give Ranma to Shampoo and Ukyo!

ECB: Uh...Huh.  At least you got Rumiko Takahashi's name listed and spelled correctly, which places you above a lot of people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~CHAPTER 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why, hello there," Kasumi greeted the door in her usual chipper voice.

ECB: What does she look like?  Which door?  The front?  The back? THE ONE LEADING TO HELL?

"I have this package for Saotome Ranma," the delivery man said.

ECB: Bad Pun Senses Tingling....  Danger Danger.

"Arigato," Kasumi said and signed for it. "Ranma-kun! Here's your package!"

ECB: Why do they mix English and Japanese?  Do they think it makes them look cool?  To flavor their boring and trite text with a few words that have no purpose other then to say: "Hey look, I can write a few Japanese words in an English fic... Aren't I Cool?!"

"Hm, Ranma-kun, you sure have a very large package," Nabiki observed. Ranma turned the corner to see his package.

ECB: The Pun, The Pun, The Pun is on fire... please BURN!

"Aww, come on, it's not that big!" Ranma looked embarassed and scratched behind his head.

ECB: This joke is so weak and transparent.

"No, really Ranma it's huge!" Akane came down the stairs. Suddenly, someone else was at the door, actually, it was a few people. It was Ryoga, Mousse, and Kuno.

ECB: BOOM THEN THIS HAPPENED!  BOOM THEN THAT HAPPENED!  And...Ryouga, Mousse, Ranma, and Kuno in the same place without conflict?

"Why, hello everyone," Kasumi polietly greeted them.

"So, Saotome, you to have a package?" Kuno asked.

ECB: "You, too, have a package?"

"Well duh he has a package, all the guys do," Mousse said. "Actually, Kuno, you have a very small package, and thin too."

ECB: Stuff like this ruins the inneundo sense of it.

"Well look whos talking Mousse, yours may be larger than Kuno's, but its so small compared to mine," Ryoga said proudly.

ECB: Someone thinks this whole thing is funny.  And that someone is also smoking something that no one should ever smoke.

"I've got the biggest package of you all, I could probably fit all your packages inside mine," Ranma triumfantly stated.

ECB: Triumphantly.  SPELL CHECK, it's not just a noun...  it's a VERB!

"The size makes no difference, it's how you use it!" Kuno said. Everybody looked at him sceptically. "Please don't tell anyone." Kuno handed everyone money.

ECB: ...  Who are these characters that you've named Ranma, Ryouga, Mousse, Kuno, Nabiki, and Akane?  I can't recognize them.

"Oh no, Kuno-chan, you'll have to do better than that," Nabiki said. Kuno handed her some more cash.

ECB: ... Welcome to the new talkshow for crap authors: Cliches and you: How to make your story trite and predictible!

"You know, we should open these and see whats inside," Ranma finally decided to say. "I'll go get the scissors.

ECB: *Sigh*  What ever inspired you to write this?  You aren't any good at pulling across comedy.

Ranma went into the other room to get some scissors. Suddenly, he was kicked from behind by a giant black hairy foot (no not Soun...tehe) that belonged to no other than Genma the panda.

ECB: Why would we think it was Soun?  Why are you doing this?  What is the Point?  WHERE IS FUNNY?!

"What you do that for?" the now red-haired Ranma asked.

ECB: Ranma now changes without cold water, eh?

Genma held up a sign that said, "I'm sorry, my bad."

ECB: How do you accidentally kick someone?  And where did he get hit by water?  And gad, this dialogue.  *Shoots KawaiiFryingPanChick in the face* "I'm sorry, my bad!"

In the other room, Kuno heard this and came running. "Is that my pig-tailed goddess?" Kuno engolfed Ranma in his arms.

ECB: engulfed, and a certain writer by the name of "Correct Ingyour Spelling" wants to kill you with a machinegun.

"Get offa me!" Ranma-chan said. "You-you boy with a small package!"

ECB: ...  This is pathetic.

Kuno suddenly paused, "How did you know that?"

ECB: This is predictible.

"I didn't," Ranma-chan replied. "You just told me."

Kuno ignored this comment and started saying, "It was Saotome wasn't it? DAMN YOU SAOTOME WITH YOUR GIGANTIC PACKAGE!"

ECB: This isn't funny.  It is definitively not funny.  It's at best a sheesh, why won't she just KILL HERSELF AND NEVER WRITE AGAAAAAAAIN!

Finally, when Ranma-chan had excaped Kuno's arms, he got the scissors and returned to his package, only to find it wasn't there.

ECB: Escaping the horrid plot, he cuts right out with his scissors...

"Hey?" Where's my package?" Opon further inspection, he did find he found a spice rack. "Where is it? Now all I have is this large rack!"

ECB: This joke isn't funny.  In fact I would go as far as to label it Antifunny.  Side note: He did find he 'had' (not found) a spice rack.  OR he did find a spice rack.

Ranma got some hot water and poured it on himself, when he did, he found his package, but lost his rack. He shrugged, he didn't care.

ECB: Neither did your readers.

"Hm, so now I see why you like being a boy, then you get your package," Ryoga said. "But, you DID lose that mighty fine rack of yours."

ECB: The dialogue here is simply crap.  "Wait, you mean a guy likes being a guy?"

"I prefer the package," Nabiki said.

ECB: Some people can do sex jokes entertainingly.  You do not have this talent.  Stick to your dildo's girl.

"I don't," mumbled Akane under her breath.

"Did you say something?" Kasumi asked.

"No, nothing at all," Akane smiled. (Sorry Akane fans, but I HAD to do it)

ECB: No, you didn't.  You didn't HAVE to do anything.

"So are we gonna open the package or not?" Nabiki impatently asked.

ECB: Ranma: No.  In fact it's time to sing the doom song!!  Doom, doom, doom, doom......"
[six months later] "Doom, doom, doom..."

"I, Kuno Tatewaki, shall open mine first," Kuno annonced, after that, everyone besides Ranma opened their package to find it was empty.

ECB: "I, Kuno Tatewaki, shall protest.  I get no good lines in this entire fic."
ECB: Cast: "Shaddup...neither does anyone else."

"Huh?" the all said.

ECB: Whenever I think of Murphy's Law, I think of you.-Something Awful

"Open yours Ranma," Ryoga said.

ECB: "I sense SUSPENSE...or a stomach ache....one of those."

Then Ranma opened his package and peered inside.

ECB: Man, did a claw shrimp get loose in here?

***********************************************

ME: Was it okay? Wasn't it funny when Genma said 'My bad?' hardy har har har!

ECB: No.  It wasn't okay.  No.  It wasn't funny.  In fact, I'd like to remind you at this moment that:"It's not my fault you suck." -Gabriel


EVERYONE: Ew, Juli, that whole package thing was eww....

ECB: Umm...
ECB: Bjorn> I like to think there's only one idiot in this world; an idiot with many bodies.
ECB: Bjorn> I keep myself alive at night with that thought.
ECB: Please stop having so many bodies Mr/Ms Idiot.

ME: I don't know what kind of sick perverted minds you guys have, but they were just talking about boxes.

ECB: "Judging by your lackluster grammar and crappy plotwriting, you must be an ffnet writer."

EVERYONE: ...............;;

ECB: I think this is a fitting response to your entire fic.

ME: Don't forget to review! (or I will eat your babies!) Anyways, I'll try to post the first ending soon, which will probably be the Akane ending.

ECB:"Do not post again.  Do not write again.  Do put your head in a toaster."

EVERYONE: **cheers**

ECB: Booooo

KFPC: W/e, read the other endings to pleez!

ECB: "How I envy those blessed with a stunning ignorance of the truth *sigh* Oh...To be truly happy! To Be an imbecile" - WHB

EVERYONE BEING SARCASTIC: Suuuure we will **giggles**

ME: I've gonna shoutout to Jen, aka totally-wicked, cuz shes the coolest and my bff!

JEN: **acts like she doesn't kno me**

ECB: I can't blame her.

*End ECB*

That was absolutely wretched.  I wasn't kidding when I came up with the revised title for this piece.  It's without a doubt one of the worst openings I've ever seen.  It isn't funny, it isn't readible, it has nothing going for it.  It fails with a most miserable "YOU FAIL' rating.  I'm not even going to bother being witty here...  this was SLUDGE.

[Dracos]

And the author responds...

Oi...  how DOES one give a follow up to this type of absolute apathy to writing?
<Response>
I have received your review. I know my story is crap,
but I don't care. I gets Bs in english, it's my second
worst subject. Once again I would like to state that I
am 13, and no, I don't do drugs, I'm just extremeley
weird. No, I don't think using Japanese words is cool.
I just think you should use "-kun" or whatever instead
of just leaving it plain. I don't know how high your
guys expectations are, but read interesting names like
"kawaiifryingpanchick" is not what you should be
doing. Try reading good titled stories, with good
summaries or something, and leave my crap alone.
-the author-
<response>

Brilliance in the making
"I know my story is crap!"

<ECB Response>
"Indeed.  Have a nice day."
<End ECB response>

Kind Fearless Leader