ECB vs Mr Seven fuckups per sentence

[Anastasia]

Welcome to another fine session of the Evil Commentary Bureau .  Today's target is The End Of The War, by Jonathan Tsuria.  As always, the ECB will be an fair, balanced critique based on the merits of the story.  The author will be allotted a single response. The response can be sent to dunefar@hotmail.com. We regret that only one response may be devoted to each commentary, but our reviewers are in high demand.

This ECB and all others may been seen at dracos.anifics.com.  Feel free to drop by and give us a shoutout.

The End Of The War / Jonathan Tsuria.

ECB:  Okay, you listed your title clearly and plainly. At least you got that right, and I suspect that is the last time I'll say that today.

ECB: No disclaimer?  THIEF! COWARD! You disgrace Ranma 1/2 and fanfiction in general with your brazen theft.

Year: 2030

ECB: Noted.  This would put the Ranma, Ryouga, Akane, and so on around forty years old, at the least, and closer to fifty if you follow the rough canon dates.

It has been 10 years since the "terrible war" in Japan . The War took with it a lot of deaths including your friends . there was a celebration each year of the end of it , 22/11/02 .

ECB: How many ways can you rape my eyes and brain with this blather? Firstly, you showed that you just don't give a damn about your capitals, there should be There, fucknut.  Secondly,  the middle sentence is a goatfuck of grammar. The war took with it a lot of deaths including your friends? Maybe it could take a lot of LIVES, but a lot of deaths fails any sort of making sense, shiteater.  Thirdly, your 'dating'  is a monument to confusion unto itself.  Is it November 2, 2022?  Considering that the proper way to list that is month/date/year, you fucked that up royally, bitch.  Fourthly, it should be ten, not 10, lazyass.  Fifthly, GO DRINK BLEACH!

Ukyo was getting ready for it , she was supposed to anyway instead she just lied in bed , she wasn't in the war itself but all her friends were and some even died .

ECB: God in Heaven above, stop sodomizing your tenses, sentences and premise! Let's see the non assfucked version of that sentence, shall we?

Ukyou wasn't getting ready for the celebration. She was supposed to be, but instead she just laid in bed. She hadn't fought in the war itself, but a lot of her friends had and not all of them had survived.

So this means that means everyone she knew has been in the war except her.  Sure, whatever.

Ranma after the war was gone,

ECB: Now that is a bad way to lay a clause out. Not only is it mindnumbingly awkward to read, it doesn't make sense.

shmpoo and kodachi was actully only sad about that

ECB: You vile waste of flesh. I counted seven errors in that one sentence!  Let's give a big FUCK YOU to the idiot of the week, Mr. Fucks up seven times a sentence clause!

, shampoo didn't even care mousse broke his leg for good

ECB:  ... It's not possible to 'break your leg for good', unless you feebly meant to indicate he lost his leg outright. Whatever, it's not like it would make sense even if it was written correctly. Also, this is a great way to slam Shampoo by painting her as a heartless bitch.  Go character slamming, go!

, not even al little bit ,

ECB: a, not al.  Even single letters must fear your mangling of the English language! Fear, innocent letters!

Kodachi did care for her brother and you usually can find her sobbing for both of them  

ECB: I'll just ask the glaring questions that beg themselves here.  Why is she caring for her brother? Why is she sobbing for them? What happened to Kuno? Why can't you follow a plot?

Ukyo was now 24 and had a boyfriend , it was Ryoga who was her boyfriend.

ECB:  FAIL! Ukyou is 24 in 2030?  Look here folks, we have a numbnut who failed both Kindergarten math and English! Are you even trying to maintain any sort of internal consistency in this shitpool of a fic?

When Ukyo thought of that she wondered how she didn't seen it earlier .

ECB: Yeah, Ucchan, it's so damn hard to notice who your boyfriend is. I see the characters in this fic are working with the same IQ as the author, namely -27.

the door bell of the shop rang . " be there in a minute" , she puttes somenormal clothes on and got down ,

ECB: You, sir, are an affront to grammar and good spelling. *Shoots the author in the balls*

it was akane and Daisuke ( Ranma's Friend )

ECB: Breaking the fourth wall=bad.

" well see you later Akane!" cried Daisuke and left .

ECB: "Thank you, Jesus!  I'm not in this fic anymore!"-Daisuke.

" you coming this year?" asked Akane. " Nah , I got work to do" Said Ukyo " but don't you care about him?" Asked Akane .

ECB: Bad grammar, check.  Incoherent ramblings, check. Capitalization fuckups, check. Sentence nightmares, check.  We have a loser!

a tear fell off Ukyo's eyes . Akane left .and Ukyo just sat there and cried .

ECB: I keep hoping that it will get better, yet it gets worse. Your not even making complete sentences now. I believe we have a breakdown to animalistic tendencies now, even semi intelligent sentences are beyond you.

cried that someone will listen to her , but no one will so she just cried .

ECB: Ukyou, we are crying with you. Crying at this clusterfuck of a story, oh we are.

Ryoga came in and saw this , Ukyo didn't notice him at first but after time she stopped crying . " You OK?" asked Ryoga as he sat down. " not really but yes" She said

ECB: Jesus, did proper grammar get a restraining order on you? There has not been a mistake free sentence since the title.  

" listen . he's coming" Ryoga said .

ECB: "Listen, he's coming" Ryouga said. That's for all of you out there who don't speak moronic babble.

there was no need to tell her who "He" is .

ECB: "He" is hopefully someone coming to your house with a shotgun.

" and you know , I don't mind that if you want to"buy Ukyo just Stood " I'll come" .

ECB: I think we can assume, just from that line, that the fic sucks.- Olorin

The Memorieal was sad and quiet ,

ECB: Memorial. *Smacks the author with a dictionary*

most of them was coming just because Ranma came , and the others just didn't want to talk about them , accept Ukyo . all the others was sick of It .

ECB:  What am I supposed to say, yet again?  That you screwed up every possible element of this blurb?  That your writing indistinguishable from the ramblings of a retarded chipmunk? That the 'story' you're crapping out fails make sense over and over?

Ukyo looked at the dead , Genma was there too but he died of old age ,

ECB: Okay, two possibilities here. One, Genma is dead yet somehow attending the memorial. That doesn't make sense. Two, Genma is dead and part of the memorial. If he died of old age and not in the war, why is he being remembered at a war memorial.  That doesn't make sense, either. On another note, Ukyou is 24 yet Genma is dead of old age? In light of this amazing conclusion...You are a prime idiot. Go stick your head in the oven and breath in.  No one like you should be in the gene pool.

The most that saddend her was the death of shampoo's little sisters .

ECB: Okay, I'll guess that you mean Shampoo's tribal sisters. But, why would Ukyou care that they died? At best, she would have only briefly met them in the canon.

When Ukyo thought about it she thanks god for not more dying .

ECB:  Bad grammar makes for bad stories.  Not even counting your 'plot', this story is a shithole. And that's not mentioning your sad, weak attempt to inject a bit of pathos in the story

Colgone , was still standing on her feet and so as hapossai , kinda iroinc if you think about Genma .

ECB: No, why is it ironic? Not that I expect an answer to that, it is probably just more pointless drivel you added on to this.

Shampoo just talked with Kodachi ,

ECB: Amazingly, I haven't commented on one aspect of your writing yet. NO SPACES BEFORE COMMAS! Retard.

Shampoo already got thourgh with this so she wasn't sad .

ECB: Spelling, spelling, spelling.

Ukyo heard wheels she looked beside her and saw Mousse , he was sad .

ECB: Even though this sentence has a few errors to it, I won't comment.  Compared to the rest of this fic, it's a sparkling diamond.

Either though nobody he cared about died he was still sad .

ECB: I can't even figure out what the fuck you meant by that sentence. *Shakes head in disgust*

Ukyo looked At Kodachi and Shampoo , she wonderd if Shampoo actully cares now about her dead sisters , she wonderd that when she thinks of them she cries , but she knew she didn't and it got her nerve .

ECB: My head...I can't even defend myself against this illogical garbage much longer.  Not even my innate disgust is enough to block this barrage of excrement.

" Did you come here only only for Ranma?" Asked ( too many questions) Mouuse ."

ECB: God damnit, did you have to beat on the fourth wall, too? Fucking A, are you going for a record number of errors with this fic? And no, repeating the same word twice in a row doesn't lessen the craptacularness of it.

at first , but now I'm glad I'm here anyway" Mousse didn't Reply .

ECB: And why Mousse would go anywhere just to see Ranma is anyone's guess. Perhaps for Shampoo, but for Ranma?

" I heard there's a new medicane for leg injuries" Said Ukyo " Too Expensive" Replyed Mousse

ECB: Why God, why the pain of this mangled writing? I won't touch the contrived mess the leg medicine bit is.

Ukyo now regrets she didn't came eralier , she wanted them to be sad .

ECB: The grammar...the grammar...Help me, it sucks so bad.

Ryoga looked at Ukyo and Mousse , he wonderd how will Ranma feel with this situation , he wonderd if he changed , he wonderd if he still cares about his fiance's . he knew one thing , Ranma Promised that he will marry one of his fiancee's , He heard a footstep . he looked , and there he was , Ranma

ECB: Grammar is your friend.  Don't kick him in the face, please.-Kind Fearless Leader.

End Prouloge/Chapter 1

ECB: THANK GOD! It should be obvious by now that this fic's grade is a resounding F. It makes no sense over and over again, ignored grammar and was about as readable as a pile of monkey shit.

ECB: Not all the flaming bleach on this earth, or even ten earths for that matter, could come even close to the level of pain this story deserves to have done to it.- Blueberry United

Well, that story was rancid.

[Dracos]

Not a bad ECB Dunefar.  ^^

Fearless Leader

[Anastasia]

Oh, and I forgot to mention this, but thanks to Figment for prereading this.