Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Somebody was definitely Nuts h

[Dracos]

There's nothing quite like a self submitted piece of junk...

It's a fine Saturday evening, the snow lightly falling outside my
workroom window as we begin another session of the Evil Commentary
Bureau.  This most recent subject was one of our rare self submissions
from the author of the piece.  Taking it fairly will be a quite
difficult task as it is clear from a simple glance that this was meant
as parody.  But hey, it's all in good fun now.

As always the author will be allowed a single response to the review,
sent to the email box of the reviewer: Dracos12@hotmail.com.
It is unfortunate that we cannot allow more time for responses but ECB
reviewers are highly in demand and therefore cannot allocate more than
that amount of time per author.

Now with the introductions out of the way, I gladly present:

"Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Somebody was definitely Nuts here"

*Begin ECB*

A.N.: This fic is just for me to vent in. In addition to being a
continuation fic, this is a

ECB: Okay, I personally find it poor form to begin a fic without
indicating the author, title, disclaimers, etc.  It is an allowable
stylistic, but unsuggested by any means.  Anyhow, author's notes at the
beginning of your fic tend to indicate your fic does not sufficiently
explain itself internally.

Flame of Recca fusion, crosses over with Tenchi, Sailor Moon and
Highlander, and has elements of 3x3 Eyes and the Playstation game
'Legend of Dragoon'. You know the genre of 'Ranma gets some new powers'
fics? I decided to take that to a bit of an extreme, and, well, see the
title. No, no

ECB: Oi.  Should I sharpen my katana now or after God Ranma shows up at
the set?

Ranma in a fuku. Sorry, guys. BTW, as bad as Ranma's real father is,
his mother is worse.

ECB: Yadda Yadda...  This should come out in the fic.  I really
couldn't care less about your opinions on his parentage at this
juncture in your fic.  You want to rant?  Do it on your own time...and
do us all the favor of not publishing it.  And where the hell is your
disclaimer?  You clearly know what series you are using...is it too
much to give their creators the respect of NAMING THEM?!

-----------------

    "I REALLY like this timeline," said the silver-haired pseudo-god.

ECB: Who is this?  Where is this?  Why is this?  And is it intentional
that the first character is an ill-described unlikable idiot?  This
whole bit is totally unnecessary to your fic.  "Hey, Gregg had a great
idea with the whole Bet intro... I know, I'll just steal it, not credit
him, and use it in the same contrived fashion he did."  Ready, Aim,
Fire...  Perfect Bullseye!

    "You're insane," the cat flatly remarked.

ECB: It sounds like a Toltiir reference.  It smells like a Toltiir
reference.  It looks like a Toltiir reference.  If it is, it's OOC for
the character and stolen from another author without crediting.
If it isn't then we have another annoying new character who has no
purpose in this fic.

    "I know," he agreed cheerfully.

ECB: And then he was cheerfully hit in the face with ten thousand
volts of electricity.  "Fatality.  Raiden Wins."

-----------------

    Now This Is Just Plain Nuts,

ECB: Why is there a comma after your title?  It doesn't need one.  It
should grammatically stand as its own line.

    By

    Aleh

-----------------

    Saotome Ranma sat on the roof of the Tendou Dojo. "Damnit,"
he thought, "I thought better of Ucchan than that. Shampoo's actions
I expected, and Kodachi..." He shuddered. "Still, though, who would've
thought that Akane would look THAT good in a wedding dress?" He sighed.
"I guess I DO love her..."

ECB: Ooh, internal thought notation.  Gimme Gimme Gimme... I can't WAIT
to see how many ways this solid groundwork and PROUD declaration
of love gets built on.  We love when our protagonist's thoughts are an
open book to us.  Albeit, this is a real quick way to hook a KoTF.  If
that was your aim, kudos!

    He was brought out of his musings by the sound of a ladder hitting
the side of the roof. "Hello, Akane," he said, sensing her ki.

ECB: Okay, the first instance of Super-Ranma appears with the fanon
loved ki-sensing trick.  Always good to know the capabilities
of our Super-Ranma's.  What is it with this 'said' though?  Said is the
weakest communitive verb in the English language.  Did he mutter?
Did he whisper?  Did he VICTORIOUSLY SHOUT IN WITH FEELING: "HELLO,
AKANE!".  Personally I think a "he called out over his shoulder."
would have fit better.

    "Hello, Ranma," she said as she finished climbing.

ECB: More Said!  Yay!  I just love it when I can sink my teeth into the
hollow bones of the emotion conveyed by the language!  And the
dialogue, sheer POETRY!  "Hello Bob."  "Hello George."  "How you doing
Bob."  "Fine George."  "See you in two weeks for poker Bob?"  "Sure
George."  WHEE!

    Ranma sighed. "Akane..."

ECB: "Ranma sighed, "Akane..."" would be the correct notation if I am
not mistaken.  Unless, of course, Ranma sighing is a separate action
from him talking in this case.  But that would mean you are leaving
a hanging, undescribed, powerless dialogue out there.  Takahashi
shrugged and no one cared.

    She sat down next to him. "Yes, Ranma?"

ECB: Yadda Yadda...will we get to some meat and bones?  And what's
with this formatting?  It's barely above script.

    It was as if a dam burst in Ranma's mind. "Don't you ever get
tired of all this? The chaos, the fiancee of the week club, the
challenges, all of it?"

ECB: Oi, I do so hate this contrivance on a personal level.  The Anime
Addiction Special: Boom, RANMA SUDDENLY HATES HIS LIFE!  Oh well...
You'll have to keep showing this for the rest of your fic.  Now that
you've put it into play, your Ranma cannot be someone who enjoys chaos
later.

    Akane sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. I just don't see any way to end
it."

ECB: Um...  This does not compute.  Ranma might not see ways of ending
it... but I'd be surprised if Akane wouldn't at least have some form
of an answer, nevermind that it wouldn't likely be a working answer,
but dammit, she should have something!

    "Neither do I..." Ranma mused, then looked up. "Akane," he said
seriously, "Can I ask you something?"

ECB: Well, this line isn't bad, it actually looks meaty in comparison
to the rest of this section, but this should be a slow lead in to
powerful stuff...  Which it truthfully doesn't.

    "What?"
    "How do you feel about me?" Ranma asked seriously.

ECB: Mushy Feely stuff at ten o'clock.  Put on your bad waffing helmets
and prepare to have cheesy dialogue heading your way.

    Now it was Akane's turn to sigh. "I... I..." she muttered,
"I... l... lo... lo... likeyoualot." She hung her head at her inability
to say the words. "Ranma?"

ECB: I-I-I-I...  When the hell did I become such a pathetic stutterer?
I utterly detest this cliche.  It's always overdone.  And it never adds
anything to the fic.  A good physical description of her would do more
than this.

    "Yes?"
    "How do you feel about me?"

ECB: "Yes." "You?" "Alright."  "Same time next week?"  "Sure." ECB: The
Dialogue Duke, the DIALOGUE!

    "I... I... l... lo... like you a lot, too, Akane." Ranma hung his
head as well.
    Akane, on the other hand, was ecstatic. "R... Really?" she asked
hopefully.
    "Really," Ranma confirmed.
    "Oh, Ranma," Akane exclaimed, hugging him.
    "A... Akane..." Ranma stammered out in confusion.
    Their pseudo-romantic moment was interrupted by Ranma pushing
Akane away from him just as a

ECB: You know.  This is a fitting description.  "Pseudo-romantic"...
except you missed an important thing.  It should be FUNNY if not
serious.  Waff is supposed to evoke EMOTION.  Humor is supposed to
evoke laughter.  The Funny is not with You.

dagger flew through where she would have been had she stayed still.
Ranma quickly jumped to his

ECB: Messy sentence structure.  Also bad perspective choice.  I'd
personally stand just outside their point of view, commenting on
exactly what was happening.  "Ranma's eyes widened slowly as he shoved
Akane away, a blade passing right before her eyes."  See, there's
a difference between mechanical descriptions and DRAMA.

feet.
    "Who's there?!?" he demanded.

ECB: WHEE!  EXTRANEOUS PUNCTUATION!  Doesn't this lend POWER TO THE
QUESTION?  I know, if one exclamation point is better why not a
DOZEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't that just make up for the weakness of the scene as a whole?

    A figure stepped out of his shadow. "Most impressive," she
remarked.

ECB: That's an interesting angle for throwing a blade between the two
of them.  It would quite a throw to hit her from that angle.  I'm not
even sure it's possible to get any good power behind a shot from that
angle.  And what's with the pointlessly anti-dramatic entrance?
And why are we ONLY told it's a 'she'?  I mean if you are going to go
mysterious: PLAY IT TO THE BLOODY HILT!  Otherwise show what the hell
you are trying to show.

    "Who the hell are you?!?" he yelled.

ECB: Yay!  More extraneous punctuation marks.  If you have so many to
spare can I have 'em?  I'm certain I could find a use for them in all
those fics which use too little.

    "I am Kage Houshi," it stated calmly, "Now, show me your power!"

ECB: Okay, minor error here but you already declared her to be a her.
And if he can 'see' her, I don't see why there is any confusion.
Since when is the limited omniscient less informed than the
protagonist's who you are using as the limiter?

    "You... tried... to hurt... Akane!" he said angrily.

ECB: Like...how many other people in the past continuity you are
starting from?  I'm presuming by the opener you are using standard
canon as your backdrop, which means that trying to hurt Akane is
nothing special.  And if you were going to overdramatize this, you
could AT LEAST USE KILL.  Bloody pacifists and their 'hurt'.  There's
been a DEATHMURDERKILL on 63rd street.  Pacifist language assassinated.

    "Yes," it replied.

ECB: You are a day late and a dollar short for trying to use mysterious
tone here.  You have to BUILD mystery.  You can't assume it.  It
doesn't work that way.

    "MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!!"

ECB: Somebody has been hanging around Anime Addiction a touch too long
methinks.  Anyhow, while this is a valid method, capitalizing
all your letters to indicate screaming, it isn't recommended.
It lacks class.  "Mouko Takabashi! "Ranma screamed, glowing yellow
energy forming in his hands to blast forth, searing the mysterious
woman."  No meat and a dirty bone make for a poor meal.

    "Interesting," replied a somewhat singed Kage Houshi, "But not
what I meant."

ECB: You know, with the vivid and colorful descriptions you use I can
almost picture a group of completely undefined blurs yelling random
statements at each other.

    "KACCHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!!!"

ECB: Were they having a sale on exclamation marks or did you just fall
asleep on your exclamation key?

    Kage Houshi staggered back a few steps, quickly recovering.
"You have the power to summon flames through your hand, do you not?"

ECB: Shall I translate this into what someone who hasn't seen Recca
would read: Undescribed Antagonist Thing Who Might Be Female staggers
back but quickly recovers.

    Ranma sweatdropped. "Nope."

ECB: Would it really hurt you to add description to your words?

    The figure hit its face with its hand. "DAMN," she muttered,
"I can't believe I forgot about that..."

ECB: You know, it's bad enough that you switch between paragraph
breaks...BUT CAN'T YOU GET YOUR PRONOUNS STRAIGHT IN A SINGLE LINE?

    "What?" asked a curious Ranma.
    "Oh bloody hell," it said, pulling a ward from... somewhere
and throwing it at Ranma. When it neared him, it suddenly changed
course and zeroed in on his right arm, attaching itself to his wrist.
"Four hundred years of waiting and I forgot to do the entrance
properly."

ECB: ...  You know, this works better when it's referencing at least
the source material.  I know neither the Anime or Manga of Recca
reference a ward in this scene.  And your explanation doesn't contain
enough inherent funny to make up for it.

    Akane recovered from her daze. "Wha... what are you talking
about?"

ECB: Why was she dazed for that long?  A shove shouldn't have had her
dazed for so long.

    The ward on Ranma suddenly burst into flame. Kage Houshi tossed
him a tekkou. "Put this on," she said, "It will help you control your
power."

ECB: I absolutely hate gratuitous Japanese.  While I happen to among
the rare birds who recognize the term tekkou, you have no reason to use
it over arm-guard in this instance.  All you do is show your inability
to stick to a single language while writing.

    "Why should I tr- GAAAHHH!" Ranma's arm burst into flame.

ECB: Boy... I didn't see this coming.  It was so out of the blue I was
simply smacked in the face with it.  It nearly woke me up even.  Hmm...
Did you play the voice actor for DIM in invader Zim? ECB: "Wow! I'm
boring!" - DIB ECB: He sure sounds like you.

    "That's why."

ECB: Drama!  SUSPENSE!  MYSTERY AND MAGIC!  Wait...wrong set.

    Ranma quickly put the tekkou on. His arm promptly went out. "Good
reason."

ECB: <Azalyn> It divides your brain by sqrt(-1) ECB: <Ranma> Damn!  You
mean I can get even more stupid? ECB: Yes.

-------------------

    Silver Millennium...

ECB: And yet another Gratuitous Crossover.  
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*collapses twitching*

    Prince Ran of the Moon walked furiously down the corridors
of the Moon palace, seething in anger. "How DARE she?!?!" he thought,
his eyes literally glowing with anger. Stomping into the throne room
(and incidentally leaving inch-deep tracks on the marble floor), he, in
violation of

ECB: ...Why did you use parenthesis there?  And 'inch-deep'?
In marble?  Is he actively trying to deface...his own palace?  There
are better ways of demonstrating anger.

all protocol, raised his voice. "MOTHER!!!!" he yelled, addressing
the queen, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!"

ECB: -.-  As a general rule, trying to parody something that is
absolute crap...will generally be absolute crap.  This affirms the rule
again.  And CAN YOU PLEASE STOP IT WITH THE BLOODY EXTRANEOUS
PUNCTUATION MARKS?  *Picks up an exclamation mark and STABS YOU WITH
IT*

    Queen Serenity was shocked. "GAAHHH!!!!" she screamed, "MY SON IS
POSESSED!!!!"

ECB: Spellcheck is your friend.  Please don't leave him freezing
in the cold as you graffiti his windows.  And which Queen Serenity
is this?  Sounds more like Usagi.  The sheer amount of undeveloped
fanon in this fic is awe inspiring to behold.  It makes one wonder
if you've ever seen the series this fic is using.

    "I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!!!!"

ECB: Gord, why did the author use a cliche again?  Did he want my eyes
to burn with disinterest? ECB:"I would theorize that he did that
because he is an idiot." -Gord ECB: I see.

    "GAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS GLOWING!!!!"

ECB: Get me the nuclear scientists.  He's obviously been irradiated.
Tie him down and inject him with antitoxins STAT!  Oh wait...that
would be funny.

    "IT'S CALLED ANGER, MOTHER!!!!"

ECB: It's called needlessly poor dialogue that doesn't begin to reach
the funny.

    "GAAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS RUINING THE FLOOR!!!!"

ECB: I knew him, Horatio.  I KNEW HIM!  His name was Funny... and he...
is dead.

    Prince Ran looked down to see that the heat that he was generating
had caused him to sink into the marble tiling. "Oops," he said,
scratching the back of his neck. Realizing what he was doing, his aura
suddenly flared back up. "DON'T TRY TO DISTRACT ME!!!!"

ECB: "I've been here before... and I don't like this circle."-Gord

    "What in the name of the Ginzuishou is the matter with you?!"
she exclaimed.

ECB: "Ranma became Hellborn."-Actual Dragon Quest 7 quote.  Oh wait,
that's relevant to your fic right?  He's a Divine Hellborn Moon-Royal
Immortal Ninja Martial Artist Sexgod of War right?  Or am I missing
a powerup?

    "THIS," he yelled, pulling a paper out of his coat. Unfortunately,
it quickly caught on fire and burned up. "Oops," he said sheepishly,
again scratching the back of his neck, "At least I brought a spare."

ECB: Why?  Why would he presume he'd destroy the very announcement
she sent him?  Why would he need it?  He's already breaking protocol
apparently.  Why would he care about just saying outright why he's mad?
Oh wait...that wouldn't let you used a contrived plot device in an
attempt to be funny!  Hmm...is he burning with fire?  Maybe you could
have him burn to ashes.  FIRE MAKES IT BETTER!

    With that, he pulled another paper out of his coat, being careful
not to set this one ablaze, and handed it to the nearest courtier,
who rushed it to the queen.

ECB: "To adequately express my response to this post, I would need to
carve a *rolls eyes* onto the face of the moon."-Mookie

    "You KNOW what I think of arrainged marriages, Mother," Prince
Ran yelled, "and Princess Uranus! For crying out loud, just look at her
relationship with Princess Neptune!"

ECB: ... Do I hear a not caring coming on?  Wait Wait...  oh yeah
baby... I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  "Why might that be Evil Critic?"  Oh
yeah, Ranma here isn't Ranma and isn't even developed to some degree
that would provide some sense of Sympathy or Empathy for the character.
Imagine That!

    "The betrothal is legal and binding," Queen Serenity replied,
"and will be consummated when you reach marriageable age in two years."

ECB: Now why does everyone neglect that a prince in a feudal society
that holds betrothals WOULD BE RAISED FROM BIRTH TO ACCEPT THEM?  This
cliche wasn't funny when it was first trotted out.  It isn't funny now.

    "Fine. You leave me no choice. Open contingency file #84734,
password 'arraingedmarriagessuck'. That file contains my plans for
something like this. You have two days to reverse your decision before
I implement them." With that, Ran stormed out.

ECB: "Not Funny are you.  Train harder you must."-Yoda Paraphrase


-------------------

    "I've finally found you... Recca."

ECB: My mind BURNS with the contrived plot devices running through
this fic.

    "What are you talking about? My name is Saotome Ranma," Ranma
replied.

ECB: No, your name is annoying montage of cliches.

    "No, your birth name was Hokage Recca," Kage Houshi said, "And I
am your mother."

ECB: "I am Queen Serenity."  "I am Washu Hakubi."  "I am Android 18."
"We are your mother!"  Pardon...I was just following your fics logic
line.

    "My mother is Saotome Nodoka!"

ECB: No, your mother is Contrivance and your father was Spam.

    "No, you were found at the age of one... You were raised by
them..."

ECB: "Really?"  "Yes, Really."  "Really Really?"  "Yes, Really Really."
"And this matters why?"  "Because it gives you suddenly new super
powers without any reason."  "Oh.  Can I just get them without the
added relations?"  "No.  And because of that you will now become half
saiyajin."  "Shoot."

    "Oh, so you just..."

ECB: You just happened to show up exactly at the end of the wedding,
just to randomly attack Akane, this time spilling your guts on your
entire past while failing to even hold to a remote approximation
of Kage Houshi's character.  WHEE!

    "Ranma," Akane interrupted, "This DOES explain some things..."

ECB: No.  It doesn't.  You are just bull shitting through Akane.

    "You were sent through time... forward a four hundred years..."

ECB: Cue stereotypical badly rendered mishmash of the Recca storyline.

    "Bull," Ranma replied.

ECB: I'm Ranma Boyscout.  I cannot curse.  I can just make pathetic
dialogue.

    "Then explain your flame. It proves that you are a descendant
of the Hokage Flame Masters."
    "Your ward did that!"

ECB: Ward isn't the word you are looking for.  A ward is, by
definition, something that seals or holds back.  It's why Shinto
'wards' are regularly referred to as such when they are used to seal
or bind demons.

    "No, it merely released the power that I had sealed when you were
just a babe..."

ECB: I won't ask why the power was sealed this time around and why
Ranma doesn't have the same empathy for fire that Recca is shown to
have (Associating himself regularly with explosives and such).  Mainly
because that would be expecting too much from this.

    "Fine, prove it!"
    "Okay," Kage Houshi replied, holding out a folder labeled 'DNA
testing results'.

ECB: Um...  that wouldn't prove anything.  Hell, if someone handed
me DNA testing results out of the blue I'd assume they were forged.
It wouldn't be terribly hard to do.  Anyhow, why would Kage have DNA
testing results?  Why would it matter?

-------------------

    From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon
    Contingency File #84734

ECB: There is so many things wrong with this that I'll just let my jaw
hit the floor.

    While I trust my mother to not try something as blatantly stupid
as arrainging a marriage for myself or Sere-chan,

ECB: Why?  For her entire appearance on camera she comes off as a
braindead ditz.  "I expected more of the drooling bimbo."

I am, nonetheless, planning for such an event.

ECB: Yes.  Sure.  Contingency plan #ABSURD "My mother will screw me
over and thus I will abscond with the national treasure."

I mean, given my stance on arrainged marriages, (Historian's
Note: Ran was famous throughout the kingdom for his often violent
protests of the institution. Well, that and a freak accident involving
the Ginzuishou, a banana peel, gelatin, Princess Venus, and Princess
Mars's private chambers which led to rumors that Ran and Venus were
secretly lovers, despite their VERY vocal protestations to the
contrary)

ECB: You mean Author's note?  Which should never occur within a fic
ever as they are a sign that the fic isn't good enough to stand on it's
own.  We don't have a historian IN HIS PRIVATE JOURNAL.  I mean, what
you are trying to cram in here would normally take a hundred pages to
make work... but wow...you just ignore bothering to try.

she should know what my reaction would be. Maybe it's paranoia,
maybe it's Crystal's insistence that I should be prepared for ANYTHING,
and maybe it's intuition, but I sat down and seriously planned out what
I'd do if something that were to come up.

ECB: You know... common decency involves you citing the fact you are
taking that from Chi.  It's merely civility between fellow authors.
I now instantly dislike this fic more on that facet.

    It is fortunate that noone in the Kingdom other than myself and
Crystal know the true nature of the Ginzuishou (Ref. File #84730).

ECB: Who is this bureaucrat named Ran?

As such, my ability to actually wield it confuses everyone; after all,
everyone 'knows' that only the females of the line of Serenity can use
the Ginzuishou. The truth of the matter is that Crystal does not
approve of theft. Whenever someone NOT of the line of Serenity has used
it, it has resisted their efforts, sensing that they did not have the
right to do so. On the other hand, given Crystal's... err... attraction
towards me, it does not resist ME in the slightest.

ECB: -.-  Could you at least name it differently so I could pretend
it was new?

    In the event that Mother attempts something so blatantly stupid,
I intend to take full advantage of that fact to use the Ginzuishou
to simply disappear. I am well aware of my invisibility to Pluto's
timesight, and without it, they have no way to track me.

ECB: Well, God Ranma is certainly humble in this fic.

Crystal will send me... elsewhere, allowing me to live out my life in
peace. Crystal plans to track me, and will find me when I arrive...
She is a good friend, and I sincerely hope that she does.

ECB:  "Can you SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL
the Contrivance you are Cookin'?"

    Contingency plans for an arranged marriage for Sere-chan are a bit
more complex...

ECB: ...


-------------------

    Above the Tendou dojo, a loud scream rang out. If one listened
closely, it sounded a lot like a very angry "OYAJI!!!!". In his room,
a panda sweated in fear.

ECB: *Yawns*  This is not new and you don't have us laughing yet.  This
joke only works if your audience is already laughing.

-------------------

    The next day...

ECB: Why would he wait till the next day?

    At breakfast, Ranma dropped the bombshell. "Oyaji," Ranma said.

ECB: No, he dropped it at lunch.  Pity he didn't use real bombs.

    "Yes, boy?" Genma responded in his typical gruff manner.

ECB: This is perhaps the best dialogue modifiers you have done in the
entire fic.

    "Why didn't you tell me that I was adopted?"

ECB: Oi.

    Genma sweated. "What are you talking about?" he asked innocently.

ECB: No, he said it guiltily with an extra helping of I Did It.  This
might be more amusing if the whole thing was false.

    "Just these DNA test results," Ranma said, handing him the
envelope.

ECB: *Sigh*  And if you believe this, I have a loving set of DNA test
results that show I am the rightful owner of all of your property!

    Genma sweated some more. "I don't know anything about it!"

ECB: Of course he wouldn't, he never took them.

    "Try another one, Oyaji. I don't believe you."

ECB: Cliche off the port bow... Dive, Dive!

    [I'm just a cute little panda,] read the sign that the
suddenly-transformed martial artist held.

ECB: *Sighs*  You know, that is funnier when you have him do it by
accident in human form.  Even though that's been done before too, it's
not done to death.

    "You DO know something," commented Nabiki.

ECB: No.. Really?  Really?  I COULDN'T TELL!  Who is this witless
savant who replaces Nabiki and takes so long to realize: Wow, Genma
is lying!

    "WAAAHHHH!!!!" cried Soun, "Now the schools will never be united!"

ECB: Not even worth a real comment.

    "You're not getting off that easily," said Ranma, pouring a cup of
tea on him.
    "Yes, Husband," said Nodoka, standing in the door, "Please tell
me what this is about."
    "Use this," said Kage Houshi, appearing from... somewhere...
and holding a vial labeled 'Truth Serum'.

ECB: Uh...Huh.  This is BRILLIANT STUFF HERE.  MAD BRILLIANT.  U'Z GAT
DA MAD S|<LL5!  I'm lying to you by the way.  This scene moves in such
lurches it gives me sea-sickness.

-------------------

    Sixteen Years Earlier...

ECB: So Ranma is what...  less than one year old at best estimates?
Why is he outside of Nodoka's sight?

    "No-chan is going to kill me," thought Saotome Genma.

ECB: I sense Genma Bashing.

    After having sold his son to a group of foreigners for a pickled
plum, Genma attempted to steal him back. Unfortunately, by the time he
arrived, it was too late.

ECB: I am not disappointed.

    "Who would have thought that the Polynesian Purple People Eaters
were a bunch of CANNIBALS?!?" Genma mused.

ECB: This is the funniest part of your fic.  And it isn't even because
of what you wrote.  It is merely because I parased that as: "One-eyed,
One-horned, Flying Purple People Eater" and a Dr. Dementio Reference.
And Dr. Dementio stuff is funny enough to counteract the anti-funny
for even a moment in this fic.

-------------------

    The present...

ECB: Wow!  I love flashbacks which allow us to see them in a single
paragraph!  Why...even bother?

    "You sold your son AS food?!?" Nabiki exclaimed while Akane was
throwing up in the background at the detailed and graphic description
of what Genma had found and Nodoka was being restrained by Kage Houshi.

ECB: Wow, I didn't know truth serum just suddenly made you a babbler
describing in explicit detail horrendous happenings.

    "Yes," said Genma, struggling against the effects of the potion.

ECB: This works, but unless they asked, I see no reason he'd elaborate
on specific wretched details.

    "Oh my," said a pale Kasumi.
    "This clenches it," said Nabiki, "You are the WORST father in
history."

ECB: We love our Genma bashing.

    "Actually," said Kage Houshi, "I once knew this guy who wrapped
his son up in fish sausages and repeatedly threw him into a pit of
starving cats..."

ECB: Yadda Yadda...

    "So did Genma," said Nabiki.
    "Oh," Kage Houshi replied, "Nevermind."

ECB: This scene lacks power.  I find myself yawning through it.  Yadda
yadda... Genma is slime... can we see your 'plot' now?

    "So where do I come in?" asked Ranma... err... Recca... err...
whatever his name is.

ECB: Um, why is that there?  That should be the impartial narrator
or descriptive prose.  Not something that should involve speech
notations.

    "On my way home," droned Genma, "I was thinking of a suitable
lie to tell my wife, when a flash of white light appeared behind me. I
turned and looked, and saw a small child wearing a silk kimono with the
name 'Recca' embroidered on it. The child looked so much like my son
that I simply took him home and passed him off as him."

ECB: Okay.  Cool.  Crossover season in full blast.  Now...to get your
readers to care you must first master the art of praying mantis and
bowing sloth.

    Kage Houshi released the crying Nodoka, and snapped her fingers,
breaking Genma's chemically-induced trance.

ECB: ...Now I've heard everything. "And with a snap of my fingers,
your body will suddenly throw off the chemicals you were forced to
imbibe."

    "So, which name will you go by, Son?" asked Kage Houshi.
    "Ranma," he replied, "I'm just used to it, I guess."

    When Genma-panda returned later that day with a deep chest wound,
noone questioned it.

ECB: Okay, you are evil thoughtless pathetic swine just above an AA
Genma...  no-one would question it but...why aren't you dead yet?  
Comic relief you certainly aren't providing...so you could at least
be a martyr for the story in some way.

-------------------

    "So, tell us about yourself, Kage Houshi-san," said Kasumi.
    "Well... my real name is Kagero."

ECB: "Hello, here is my real identity behind my secret identity and
isn't this nice for me to spill my entire history in one go..."

    "Okay, Kagero-san."
    "Please, just Kagero."
    "Okay, Kagero."
    "Hmm... Where to start?"

ECB: GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD, YOU'VE MOCKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME. -Batjew

-------------------

    "So, Kagero-san," Akane asked at dinner, "What was Ranma's REAL
father like?"
    "Hmm..." she started, "He had this insatiable urge for battle...
I think he got that from his mother, along with the tail..."

ECB: And here is for the random DBZ cross.  God Ranma: He's strong,
He's handsome, He's always there for you.  He's PERFECT!  PERFECTLY
INFURIATING THAT IS!

    "TAIL?!?" Ranma exclaimed.

ECB: I could build a house out of the spare punctuation in this fic.

    "Yes," Kagero admitted, "She wasn't human. Something called a
'saiyajin'. I really don't know much about them, except that they'd
turn into giant monkeys when the moon was full. If you cut off their
tail they'd change back, though."

ECB: "Insert gratuitous fanboyisms."  Really now, this doesn't compute
as we are already shown that partial sayajin's retain the tail (it is
apparently a dominant trait).  Even if it isn't in this
'universe'...why bring up all this info?  It just screams: "I am
Fanboy.  Hear Me Roar.  Squeak."


-------------------

    From where she was listening in, Cologne almost started drooling.

ECB: Mr. Sense, you may leave the building.  You will not be needed
for this fic.

-----------------

    "Oh my," said Kasumi.
    "Interesting," said Nabiki.
    "..." said Ranma, in shock.

ECB: You know, I've always wondered how exactly you say "..."  After
all, it is originally a text expression that only has connotations
in chats where you cannot see the other person to show that you are
there but for some reason or other not actively responding with words
to the events.  It does often depict shock...  but I wonder how you
would do it in even an anime world.  Does he shout out ". . ."  And
does the silence ring on?  Does he scowl menacingly, his mouth opening
just to release the ominous: ". . ."

ECB: Just so you don't miss it: The reason I wonder is because you
can't verbally express ". . ."

-----------------

    Upon returning to the Nekohanten, Cologne sat and thought about
what she had heard. Ranma was quite a prize, even when she had thought
that talent and his lust to be the best had been the result of how he
was raised. Now that she knew that they were, at least to some extent,
genetic,

ECB: No, he had absolutely no genetic predisposition towards being even
able to move.  IT'S ALL A LIE... oh, wait... common sense dictates
that he would logically have genetic predisposition towards being good.
Genma is, without dispute, a powerful martial artist.  Is it too much
to stop the Genma bashing in favor of more balanced and eloquent
scene writing?

she mentally upgraded him from "prime breeding stock" to "we MUST get
this boy's genes into the tribe, child", and that was not even taking
into account the chance to obtain the legendary power of the Hokage
flame masters.

ECB: It's over?  THANK THE KAMI! IT'S OVER!  WHEE!  Sincerely,
Hatred Eternal.


    Next Time:
    The One True Mallet!

ECB: Not another crossover, for the love of Satan...It's too much
without any base.

*End ECB*

Okay, needless to say, this also fails Make Sense.  You use far too
many crossovers without thinking through any of them.  They are
needlessly included and thoughtlessly tossed in.  I do approve highly
of you sticking a sign out in front stating: "Yes, I will Suck."  You
intended this as a parody, if I recall correctly, but apparently
forgot the first job of any parody is to be funny.  When you are
mimicking absolute crap, then the funny is going to be appearing
on someone else's stage.

This needs to be scrapped badly.  It simply isn't a strong base to work
off of and the only people you will get laughing with this, besides
perhaps yourself, are those who are too mentally braindead to do
anything but laugh.

[Dracos]

Boy, what a RESPONSE...  this simply leaves my jaw dropped.

*Response from author*
It's a fine Saturday evening, the snow lightly falling outside my
workroom window as we begin another session of the Evil Commentary
Bureau.  This most recent subject was one of our rare self submissions
from the author of the piece.  Taking it fairly will be a quite
difficult task as it is clear from a simple glance that this was meant
as parody.  But hey, it's all in good fun now.

As always the author will be allowed a single response to the review,
sent to the email box of the reviewer: Dracos12@hotmail.com.
It is unfortunate that we cannot allow more time for responses but ECB
reviewers are highly in demand and therefore cannot allocate more than
that amount of time per author.

Now with the introductions out of the way, I gladly present:

"Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Somebody was definitely Nuts here"

*Begin ECB*

A.N.: This fic is just for me to vent in. In addition to being a
continuation fic, this is a

ECB: Okay, I personally find it poor form to begin a fic without
indicating the author, title, disclaimers, etc.  It is an allowable
stylistic, but unsuggested by any means.  Anyhow, author's notes at the
beginning of your fic tend to indicate your fic does not sufficiently
explain itself internally.

       It was intended to insure that people *DON'T* try to take this seriously. If you do... well...



Flame of Recca fusion, crosses over with Tenchi, Sailor Moon and
Highlander, and has elements of 3x3 Eyes and the Playstation game
'Legend of Dragoon'. You know the genre of 'Ranma gets some new powers'
fics? I decided to take that to a bit of an extreme, and, well, see the
title. No, no

ECB: Oi.  Should I sharpen my katana now or after God Ranma shows up at
the set?

       God Ranma is one of the things I'm poking fun at.



Ranma in a fuku. Sorry, guys. BTW, as bad as Ranma's real father is,
his mother is worse.

ECB: Yadda Yadda...  This should come out in the fic.  I really
couldn't care less about your opinions on his parentage at this
juncture in your fic.  You want to rant?  Do it on your own time...and
do us all the favor of not publishing it.  And where the hell is your
disclaimer?  You clearly know what series you are using...is it too
much to give their creators the respect of NAMING THEM?!

       Hmm... I've added a disclaimer to my copy; I guess that I missed a story when I went back and added them...



-----------------

    "I REALLY like this timeline," said the silver-haired pseudo-god.

ECB: Who is this?  Where is this?  Why is this?  And is it intentional
that the first character is an ill-described unlikable idiot?  This
whole bit is totally unnecessary to your fic.  "Hey, Gregg had a great
idea with the whole Bet intro... I know, I'll just steal it, not credit
him, and use it in the same contrived fashion he did."  Ready, Aim,
Fire...  Perfect Bullseye!

       It's a fanfiction cliche. This is a fic poking fun of fanfiction cliches by taking them too far. Admittedly, it was Gregg who started it... but he's neither the only one who's used it nor the one to whose use of it is parodying.



    "You're insane," the cat flatly remarked.

ECB: It sounds like a Toltiir reference.  It smells like a Toltiir
reference.  It looks like a Toltiir reference.  If it is, it's OOC for
the character and stolen from another author without crediting.
If it isn't then we have another annoying new character who has no
purpose in this fic.

       Toltiir is *ALSO* a fanfiction cliche by now. He's been used to death, and I'm poking fun of him. Heck, OOC behavior (including this) is another one.



    "I know," he agreed cheerfully.

ECB: And then he was cheerfully hit in the face with ten thousand
volts of electricity.  "Fatality.  Raiden Wins."

       Bingo.



-----------------

    Now This Is Just Plain Nuts,

ECB: Why is there a comma after your title?  It doesn't need one.  It
should grammatically stand as its own line.

       Thanks. Will change.



    By

    Aleh

-----------------

    Saotome Ranma sat on the roof of the Tendou Dojo. "Damnit,"
he thought, "I thought better of Ucchan than that. Shampoo's actions
I expected, and Kodachi..." He shuddered. "Still, though, who would've
thought that Akane would look THAT good in a wedding dress?" He sighed.
"I guess I DO love her..."

ECB: Ooh, internal thought notation.  Gimme Gimme Gimme... I can't WAIT
to see how many ways this solid groundwork and PROUD declaration
of love gets built on.  We love when our protagonist's thoughts are an
open book to us.  Albeit, this is a real quick way to hook a KoTF.  If
that was your aim, kudos!

    He was brought out of his musings by the sound of a ladder hitting
the side of the roof. "Hello, Akane," he said, sensing her ki.

ECB: Okay, the first instance of Super-Ranma appears with the fanon
loved ki-sensing trick.  Always good to know the capabilities
of our Super-Ranma's.  What is it with this 'said' though?  Said is the
weakest communitive verb in the English language.  Did he mutter?
Did he whisper?  Did he VICTORIOUSLY SHOUT IN WITH FEELING: "HELLO,
AKANE!".  Personally I think a "he called out over his shoulder."
would have fit better.

       Thanks for the suggestion. And... this story is intended to poke fun of fanon.



    "Hello, Ranma," she said as she finished climbing.

ECB: More Said!  Yay!  I just love it when I can sink my teeth into the
hollow bones of the emotion conveyed by the language!  And the
dialogue, sheer POETRY!  "Hello Bob."  "Hello George."  "How you doing
Bob."  "Fine George."  "See you in two weeks for poker Bob?"  "Sure
George."  WHEE!

       Yes, well, I've changed that, too. I always appreciate good C&C, and the ECB is good at it. Any weaknesses in my story... well, I'm always glad to know about them. It gives me a chance to correct 'em, after all.



    Ranma sighed. "Akane..."

ECB: "Ranma sighed, "Akane..."" would be the correct notation if I am
not mistaken.  Unless, of course, Ranma sighing is a separate action
from him talking in this case.  But that would mean you are leaving
a hanging, undescribed, powerless dialogue out there.  Takahashi
shrugged and no one cared.

    She sat down next to him. "Yes, Ranma?"

ECB: Yadda Yadda...will we get to some meat and bones?  And what's
with this formatting?  It's barely above script.

    It was as if a dam burst in Ranma's mind. "Don't you ever get
tired of all this? The chaos, the fiancee of the week club, the
challenges, all of it?"

ECB: Oi, I do so hate this contrivance on a personal level.  The Anime
Addiction Special: Boom, RANMA SUDDENLY HATES HIS LIFE!  Oh well...
You'll have to keep showing this for the rest of your fic.  Now that
you've put it into play, your Ranma cannot be someone who enjoys chaos
later.

       Nah... I'm poking fun at another fanfic cliche here as well. You have to admit that AnimeAddiction certainly uses enough of them...



    Akane sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. I just don't see any way to end
it."

ECB: Um...  This does not compute.  Ranma might not see ways of ending
it... but I'd be surprised if Akane wouldn't at least have some form
of an answer, nevermind that it wouldn't likely be a working answer,
but dammit, she should have something!

       Hmm... Good point. Thanks.



    "Neither do I..." Ranma mused, then looked up. "Akane," he said
seriously, "Can I ask you something?"

ECB: Well, this line isn't bad, it actually looks meaty in comparison
to the rest of this section, but this should be a slow lead in to
powerful stuff...  Which it truthfully doesn't.

    "What?"
    "How do you feel about me?" Ranma asked seriously.

ECB: Mushy Feely stuff at ten o'clock.  Put on your bad waffing helmets
and prepare to have cheesy dialogue heading your way.

    Now it was Akane's turn to sigh. "I... I..." she muttered,
"I... l... lo... lo... likeyoualot." She hung her head at her inability
to say the words. "Ranma?"

ECB: I-I-I-I...  When the hell did I become such a pathetic stutterer?
I utterly detest this cliche.  It's always overdone.  And it never adds
anything to the fic.  A good physical description of her would do more
than this.

       Which is precisely why its used. It's a cliche. This fic pokes fun of cliches by overusing them.



    "Yes?"
    "How do you feel about me?"

ECB: "Yes." "You?" "Alright."  "Same time next week?"  "Sure." ECB: The
Dialogue Duke, the DIALOGUE!

    "I... I... l... lo... like you a lot, too, Akane." Ranma hung his
head as well.
    Akane, on the other hand, was ecstatic. "R... Really?" she asked
hopefully.
    "Really," Ranma confirmed.
    "Oh, Ranma," Akane exclaimed, hugging him.
    "A... Akane..." Ranma stammered out in confusion.
    Their pseudo-romantic moment was interrupted by Ranma pushing
Akane away from him just as a

ECB: You know.  This is a fitting description.  "Pseudo-romantic"...
except you missed an important thing.  It should be FUNNY if not
serious.  Waff is supposed to evoke EMOTION.  Humor is supposed to
evoke laughter.  The Funny is not with You.

dagger flew through where she would have been had she stayed still.
Ranma quickly jumped to his

ECB: Messy sentence structure.  Also bad perspective choice.  I'd
personally stand just outside their point of view, commenting on
exactly what was happening.  "Ranma's eyes widened slowly as he shoved
Akane away, a blade passing right before her eyes."  See, there's
a difference between mechanical descriptions and DRAMA.


       Mind if I use that line? I agree that it's better, BTW.


feet.
    "Who's there?!?" he demanded.

ECB: WHEE!  EXTRANEOUS PUNCTUATION!  Doesn't this lend POWER TO THE
QUESTION?  I know, if one exclamation point is better why not a
DOZEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't that just make up for the weakness of the scene as a whole?

       Heh. Yes, well, I've made a few changes to my copy. This is among them. Check my site for the new version, although I'll be waiting for a response to my previous question.



    A figure stepped out of his shadow. "Most impressive," she
remarked.

ECB: That's an interesting angle for throwing a blade between the two
of them.  It would quite a throw to hit her from that angle.  I'm not
even sure it's possible to get any good power behind a shot from that
angle.  And what's with the pointlessly anti-dramatic entrance?
And why are we ONLY told it's a 'she'?  I mean if you are going to go
mysterious: PLAY IT TO THE BLOODY HILT!  Otherwise show what the hell
you are trying to show.

       That's what I get for going back and changing parts of my story as I'm writing it... both this and the later 'she' that you remarked on were ones that I missed. They've been changed.



    "Who the hell are you?!?" he yelled.

ECB: Yay!  More extraneous punctuation marks.  If you have so many to
spare can I have 'em?  I'm certain I could find a use for them in all
those fics which use too little.

    "I am Kage Houshi," it stated calmly, "Now, show me your power!"

ECB: Okay, minor error here but you already declared her to be a her.
And if he can 'see' her, I don't see why there is any confusion.
Since when is the limited omniscient less informed than the
protagonist's who you are using as the limiter?

       He can't get a good look. I'll have to go back and make that a bit more clear...



    "You... tried... to hurt... Akane!" he said angrily.

ECB: Like...how many other people in the past continuity you are
starting from?  I'm presuming by the opener you are using standard
canon as your backdrop, which means that trying to hurt Akane is
nothing special.  And if you were going to overdramatize this, you
could AT LEAST USE KILL.  Bloody pacifists and their 'hurt'.  There's
been a DEATHMURDERKILL on 63rd street.  Pacifist language assassinated.


       Cliches... Several of them. That's why it's phrased like it is.


    "Yes," it replied.

ECB: You are a day late and a dollar short for trying to use mysterious
tone here.  You have to BUILD mystery.  You can't assume it.  It
doesn't work that way.

       Yeah. I agree, to some extent. I've gone back and edited it a bit...



    "MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!!"

ECB: Somebody has been hanging around Anime Addiction a touch too long
methinks.  Anyhow, while this is a valid method, capitalizing
all your letters to indicate screaming, it isn't recommended.
It lacks class.  "Mouko Takabashi! "Ranma screamed, glowing yellow
energy forming in his hands to blast forth, searing the mysterious
woman."  No meat and a dirty bone make for a poor meal.

       Err... the capitals are another deliberate cliche... That being said, I've changed that line.



    "Interesting," replied a somewhat singed Kage Houshi, "But not
what I meant."

ECB: You know, with the vivid and colorful descriptions you use I can
almost picture a group of completely undefined blurs yelling random
statements at each other.

       Hehe. I've revised somewhat.



    "KACCHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!!!"

ECB: Were they having a sale on exclamation marks or did you just fall
asleep on your exclamation key?

    Kage Houshi staggered back a few steps, quickly recovering.
"You have the power to summon flames through your hand, do you not?"

ECB: Shall I translate this into what someone who hasn't seen Recca
would read: Undescribed Antagonist Thing Who Might Be Female staggers
back but quickly recovers.


       Hehe.


    Ranma sweatdropped. "Nope."

ECB: Would it really hurt you to add description to your words?

    The figure hit its face with its hand. "DAMN," she muttered,
"I can't believe I forgot about that..."

ECB: You know, it's bad enough that you switch between paragraph
breaks...BUT CAN'T YOU GET YOUR PRONOUNS STRAIGHT IN A SINGLE LINE?


       Sorry. As I mentioned, a good part of that was the result of me altering the earlier parts of the story as I was writing it. I obviously missed a few pronouns.


    "What?" asked a curious Ranma.
    "Oh bloody hell," it said, pulling a ward from... somewhere
and throwing it at Ranma. When it neared him, it suddenly changed
course and zeroed in on his right arm, attaching itself to his wrist.
"Four hundred years of waiting and I forgot to do the entrance
properly."

ECB: ...  You know, this works better when it's referencing at least
the source material.  I know neither the Anime or Manga of Recca
reference a ward in this scene.  And your explanation doesn't contain
enough inherent funny to make up for it.

       True. Then again, there has to be a reason why Ranma didn't need to constantly wear a seal, like Recca or Kurei.



    Akane recovered from her daze. "Wha... what are you talking
about?"

ECB: Why was she dazed for that long?  A shove shouldn't have had her
dazed for so long.

       Inadequately-Explained Convienient Plot Device. Yet another cliche.



    The ward on Ranma suddenly burst into flame. Kage Houshi tossed
him a tekkou. "Put this on," she said, "It will help you control your
power."

ECB: I absolutely hate gratuitous Japanese.  While I happen to among
the rare birds who recognize the term tekkou, you have no reason to use
it over arm-guard in this instance.  All you do is show your inability
to stick to a single language while writing.

       Hmm... gratuitous Japanese is... yet another example of an overused fanfiction cliche. I suppose that I should go back and clarify, but that was why I used the word.



    "Why should I tr- GAAAHHH!" Ranma's arm burst into flame.

ECB: Boy... I didn't see this coming.  It was so out of the blue I was
simply smacked in the face with it.  It nearly woke me up even.  Hmm...
Did you play the voice actor for DIM in invader Zim? ECB: "Wow! I'm
boring!" - DIB ECB: He sure sounds like you.

    "That's why."

ECB: Drama!  SUSPENSE!  MYSTERY AND MAGIC!  Wait...wrong set.

    Ranma quickly put the tekkou on. His arm promptly went out. "Good
reason."

ECB: <Azalyn> It divides your brain by sqrt(-1) ECB: <Ranma> Damn!  You
mean I can get even more stupid? ECB: Yes.

-------------------

    Silver Millennium...

ECB: And yet another Gratuitous Crossover.  
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*collapses twitching*


       Of course. That *IS* the point of this story, after all.


    Prince Ran of the Moon walked furiously down the corridors
of the Moon palace, seething in anger. "How DARE she?!?!" he thought,
his eyes literally glowing with anger. Stomping into the throne room
(and incidentally leaving inch-deep tracks on the marble floor), he, in
violation of

ECB: ...Why did you use parenthesis there?  And 'inch-deep'?
In marble?  Is he actively trying to deface...his own palace?  There
are better ways of demonstrating anger.

       He's a mage whose power responds to emotion, another point which will be addressed in a later chapter. Basically, his anger is--literally--hot enough to melt stone.



all protocol, raised his voice. "MOTHER!!!!" he yelled, addressing
the queen, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!"

ECB: -.-  As a general rule, trying to parody something that is
absolute crap...will generally be absolute crap.  This affirms the rule
again.  And CAN YOU PLEASE STOP IT WITH THE BLOODY EXTRANEOUS
PUNCTUATION MARKS?  *Picks up an exclamation mark and STABS YOU WITH
IT*

    Queen Serenity was shocked. "GAAHHH!!!!" she screamed, "MY SON IS
POSESSED!!!!"

ECB: Spellcheck is your friend.  Please don't leave him freezing
in the cold as you graffiti his windows.  And which Queen Serenity
is this?  Sounds more like Usagi.  The sheer amount of undeveloped
fanon in this fic is awe inspiring to behold.  It makes one wonder
if you've ever seen the series this fic is using.


       Thanks. Oh, and... yes, I have seen the series. Since I'm poking fun of cliches by taking them too far... well... add this to the list. Oh, and as for an explanation... we really don't see much of Queen Serenity in SM, so her personality is basically a blank. And, well, you know what they say: "like mother, like daughter"...


    "I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!!!!"

ECB: Gord, why did the author use a cliche again?  Did he want my eyes
to burn with disinterest? ECB:"I would theorize that he did that
because he is an idiot." -Gord ECB: I see.

    "GAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS GLOWING!!!!"

ECB: Get me the nuclear scientists.  He's obviously been irradiated.
Tie him down and inject him with antitoxins STAT!  Oh wait...that
would be funny.

    "IT'S CALLED ANGER, MOTHER!!!!"

ECB: It's called needlessly poor dialogue that doesn't begin to reach
the funny.

    "GAAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS RUINING THE FLOOR!!!!"

ECB: I knew him, Horatio.  I KNEW HIM!  His name was Funny... and he...
is dead.

    Prince Ran looked down to see that the heat that he was generating
had caused him to sink into the marble tiling. "Oops," he said,
scratching the back of his neck. Realizing what he was doing, his aura
suddenly flared back up. "DON'T TRY TO DISTRACT ME!!!!"

ECB: "I've been here before... and I don't like this circle."-Gord

    "What in the name of the Ginzuishou is the matter with you?!"
she exclaimed.

ECB: "Ranma became Hellborn."-Actual Dragon Quest 7 quote.  Oh wait,
that's relevant to your fic right?  He's a Divine Hellborn Moon-Royal
Immortal Ninja Martial Artist Sexgod of War right?  Or am I missing
a powerup?


       Hellborn? Oh, and yes, you are missing a powerup. Several, in fact.


    "THIS," he yelled, pulling a paper out of his coat. Unfortunately,
it quickly caught on fire and burned up. "Oops," he said sheepishly,
again scratching the back of his neck, "At least I brought a spare."

ECB: Why?  Why would he presume he'd destroy the very announcement
she sent him?  Why would he need it?  He's already breaking protocol
apparently.  Why would he care about just saying outright why he's mad?
Oh wait...that wouldn't let you used a contrived plot device in an
attempt to be funny!  Hmm...is he burning with fire?  Maybe you could
have him burn to ashes.  FIRE MAKES IT BETTER!

       Because Ran is obsessed with contingency plans.



    With that, he pulled another paper out of his coat, being careful
not to set this one ablaze, and handed it to the nearest courtier,
who rushed it to the queen.

ECB: "To adequately express my response to this post, I would need to
carve a *rolls eyes* onto the face of the moon."-Mookie

    "You KNOW what I think of arrainged marriages, Mother," Prince
Ran yelled, "and Princess Uranus! For crying out loud, just look at her
relationship with Princess Neptune!"

ECB: ... Do I hear a not caring coming on?  Wait Wait...  oh yeah
baby... I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  "Why might that be Evil Critic?"  Oh
yeah, Ranma here isn't Ranma and isn't even developed to some degree
that would provide some sense of Sympathy or Empathy for the character.
Imagine That!

    "The betrothal is legal and binding," Queen Serenity replied,
"and will be consummated when you reach marriageable age in two years."

ECB: Now why does everyone neglect that a prince in a feudal society
that holds betrothals WOULD BE RAISED FROM BIRTH TO ACCEPT THEM?  This
cliche wasn't funny when it was first trotted out.  It isn't funny now.

       True... which doesn't mean that he *WOULD* accept them... besides, it's another cliche.



    "Fine. You leave me no choice. Open contingency file #84734,
password 'arraingedmarriagessuck'. That file contains my plans for
something like this. You have two days to reverse your decision before
I implement them." With that, Ran stormed out.

ECB: "Not Funny are you.  Train harder you must."-Yoda Paraphrase


-------------------

    "I've finally found you... Recca."

ECB: My mind BURNS with the contrived plot devices running through
this fic.

    "What are you talking about? My name is Saotome Ranma," Ranma
replied.

ECB: No, your name is annoying montage of cliches.

       Bingo.



    "No, your birth name was Hokage Recca," Kage Houshi said, "And I
am your mother."

ECB: "I am Queen Serenity."  "I am Washu Hakubi."  "I am Android 18."
"We are your mother!"  Pardon...I was just following your fics logic
line.

       Hehe. No... Kagero:Recca/Ranma::Tsukino Ikuko:Usagi.



    "My mother is Saotome Nodoka!"

ECB: No, your mother is Contrivance and your father was Spam.

    "No, you were found at the age of one... You were raised by
them..."

ECB: "Really?"  "Yes, Really."  "Really Really?"  "Yes, Really Really."
"And this matters why?"  "Because it gives you suddenly new super
powers without any reason."  "Oh.  Can I just get them without the
added relations?"  "No.  And because of that you will now become half
saiyajin."  "Shoot."

    "Oh, so you just..."

ECB: You just happened to show up exactly at the end of the wedding,
just to randomly attack Akane, this time spilling your guts on your
entire past while failing to even hold to a remote approximation
of Kage Houshi's character.  WHEE!

    "Ranma," Akane interrupted, "This DOES explain some things..."

ECB: No.  It doesn't.  You are just bull shitting through Akane.

       Mainly why Ranma doesn't look at all like his father...



    "You were sent through time... forward a four hundred years..."

ECB: Cue stereotypical badly rendered mishmash of the Recca storyline.

    "Bull," Ranma replied.

ECB: I'm Ranma Boyscout.  I cannot curse.  I can just make pathetic
dialogue.

       I haven't seen Ranma, in the anime, actually swear. He might in the manga; I can't read the original manga (Kanji. They confuse the heck out of me), but he doesn't in the Viz translation.



    "Then explain your flame. It proves that you are a descendant
of the Hokage Flame Masters."
    "Your ward did that!"

ECB: Ward isn't the word you are looking for.  A ward is, by
definition, something that seals or holds back.  It's why Shinto
'wards' are regularly referred to as such when they are used to seal
or bind demons.

    "No, it merely released the power that I had sealed when you were
just a babe..."

ECB: I won't ask why the power was sealed this time around and why
Ranma doesn't have the same empathy for fire that Recca is shown to
have (Associating himself regularly with explosives and such).  Mainly
because that would be expecting too much from this.


       Because of the results of Hokage flame-powers mixed with Saiyajin ki-levels, Sanjiyan (and, unbeknownst to Kage Houshi, Siver Millenium) magic, and Juraian blood, to answer the first question, and because his power was sealed, to answer the second. In other words, Contrived Plot Device to Explain the Gratuitous Cliches in a Somewhat Believable Manner.


    "Fine, prove it!"
    "Okay," Kage Houshi replied, holding out a folder labeled 'DNA
testing results'.

ECB: Um...  that wouldn't prove anything.  Hell, if someone handed
me DNA testing results out of the blue I'd assume they were forged.
It wouldn't be terribly hard to do.  Anyhow, why would Kage have DNA
testing results?  Why would it matter?

       The question is: Would Ranma know that?



-------------------

    From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon
    Contingency File #84734

ECB: There is so many things wrong with this that I'll just let my jaw
hit the floor.


       Which is part of the point.


    While I trust my mother to not try something as blatantly stupid
as arrainging a marriage for myself or Sere-chan,

ECB: Why?  For her entire appearance on camera she comes off as a
braindead ditz.  "I expected more of the drooling bimbo."

I am, nonetheless, planning for such an event.

ECB: Yes.  Sure.  Contingency plan #ABSURD "My mother will screw me
over and thus I will abscond with the national treasure."

       *Blink*. Where did he say that he'd take the Ginzuishou?



I mean, given my stance on arrainged marriages, (Historian's
Note: Ran was famous throughout the kingdom for his often violent
protests of the institution. Well, that and a freak accident involving
the Ginzuishou, a banana peel, gelatin, Princess Venus, and Princess
Mars's private chambers which led to rumors that Ran and Venus were
secretly lovers, despite their VERY vocal protestations to the
contrary)

ECB: You mean Author's note?  Which should never occur within a fic
ever as they are a sign that the fic isn't good enough to stand on it's
own.  We don't have a historian IN HIS PRIVATE JOURNAL.  I mean, what
you are trying to cram in here would normally take a hundred pages to
make work... but wow...you just ignore bothering to try.

       Thanks for the suggestion. I can actually add another cliche this way!



she should know what my reaction would be. Maybe it's paranoia,
maybe it's Crystal's insistence that I should be prepared for ANYTHING,
and maybe it's intuition, but I sat down and seriously planned out what
I'd do if something that were to come up.

ECB: You know... common decency involves you citing the fact you are
taking that from Chi.  It's merely civility between fellow authors.
I now instantly dislike this fic more on that facet.

       Chi isn't the only person who's used a sentient Ginzuishou...



    It is fortunate that noone in the Kingdom other than myself and
Crystal know the true nature of the Ginzuishou (Ref. File #84730).

ECB: Who is this bureaucrat named Ran?

       An obsessive-compulsive mage from the Silver Millenium who nonetheless had an extreme talent for adaptation and magic-use.



As such, my ability to actually wield it confuses everyone; after all,
everyone 'knows' that only the females of the line of Serenity can use
the Ginzuishou. The truth of the matter is that Crystal does not
approve of theft. Whenever someone NOT of the line of Serenity has used
it, it has resisted their efforts, sensing that they did not have the
right to do so. On the other hand, given Crystal's... err... attraction
towards me, it does not resist ME in the slightest.

ECB: -.-  Could you at least name it differently so I could pretend
it was new?

    In the event that Mother attempts something so blatantly stupid,
I intend to take full advantage of that fact to use the Ginzuishou
to simply disappear. I am well aware of my invisibility to Pluto's
timesight, and without it, they have no way to track me.

ECB: Well, God Ranma is certainly humble in this fic.

       Hehe. Ranma being invisible to Pluto is *ANOTHER* cliche.



Crystal will send me... elsewhere, allowing me to live out my life in
peace. Crystal plans to track me, and will find me when I arrive...
She is a good friend, and I sincerely hope that she does.

ECB:  "Can you SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL
the Contrivance you are Cookin'?"

       Hehe. Yep.



    Contingency plans for an arranged marriage for Sere-chan are a bit
more complex...

ECB: ...


-------------------

    Above the Tendou dojo, a loud scream rang out. If one listened
closely, it sounded a lot like a very angry "OYAJI!!!!". In his room,
a panda sweated in fear.

ECB: *Yawns*  This is not new and you don't have us laughing yet.  This
joke only works if your audience is already laughing.

-------------------

    The next day...

ECB: Why would he wait till the next day?

       Because it was almost midnight.



    At breakfast, Ranma dropped the bombshell. "Oyaji," Ranma said.

ECB: No, he dropped it at lunch.  Pity he didn't use real bombs.

    "Yes, boy?" Genma responded in his typical gruff manner.

ECB: This is perhaps the best dialogue modifiers you have done in the
entire fic.

    "Why didn't you tell me that I was adopted?"

ECB: Oi.

    Genma sweated. "What are you talking about?" he asked innocently.

ECB: No, he said it guiltily with an extra helping of I Did It.  This
might be more amusing if the whole thing was false.

    "Just these DNA test results," Ranma said, handing him the
envelope.

ECB: *Sigh*  And if you believe this, I have a loving set of DNA test
results that show I am the rightful owner of all of your property!


       Hehe. No... but how much do Ranma and Genma *KNOW* about DNA testing?


    Genma sweated some more. "I don't know anything about it!"

ECB: Of course he wouldn't, he never took them.

    "Try another one, Oyaji. I don't believe you."

ECB: Cliche off the port bow... Dive, Dive!

    [I'm just a cute little panda,] read the sign that the
suddenly-transformed martial artist held.

ECB: *Sighs*  You know, that is funnier when you have him do it by
accident in human form.  Even though that's been done before too, it's
not done to death.

       ... In the manga, he does it almost every time someone asks him a question that he doesn't want to answer.



    "You DO know something," commented Nabiki.

ECB: No.. Really?  Really?  I COULDN'T TELL!  Who is this witless
savant who replaces Nabiki and takes so long to realize: Wow, Genma
is lying!

    "WAAAHHHH!!!!" cried Soun, "Now the schools will never be united!"

ECB: Not even worth a real comment.


       True. It's another cliche.


    "You're not getting off that easily," said Ranma, pouring a cup of
tea on him.
    "Yes, Husband," said Nodoka, standing in the door, "Please tell
me what this is about."
    "Use this," said Kage Houshi, appearing from... somewhere...
and holding a vial labeled 'Truth Serum'.

ECB: Uh...Huh.  This is BRILLIANT STUFF HERE.  MAD BRILLIANT.  U'Z GAT
DA MAD S&#124;<LL5!  I'm lying to you by the way.  This scene moves in such
lurches it gives me sea-sickness.

-------------------

    Sixteen Years Earlier...

ECB: So Ranma is what...  less than one year old at best estimates?
Why is he outside of Nodoka's sight?

    "No-chan is going to kill me," thought Saotome Genma.

ECB: I sense Genma Bashing.


       Cliche.


    After having sold his son to a group of foreigners for a pickled
plum, Genma attempted to steal him back. Unfortunately, by the time he
arrived, it was too late.

ECB: I am not disappointed.

    "Who would have thought that the Polynesian Purple People Eaters
were a bunch of CANNIBALS?!?" Genma mused.

ECB: This is the funniest part of your fic.  And it isn't even because
of what you wrote.  It is merely because I parased that as: "One-eyed,
One-horned, Flying Purple People Eater" and a Dr. Dementio Reference.
And Dr. Dementio stuff is funny enough to counteract the anti-funny
for even a moment in this fic.

       Actually, it's a reference to somewhere else... I just can't remember where off the top of my head.



-------------------

    The present...

ECB: Wow!  I love flashbacks which allow us to see them in a single
paragraph!  Why...even bother?


       Odd... I count three.


    "You sold your son AS food?!?" Nabiki exclaimed while Akane was
throwing up in the background at the detailed and graphic description
of what Genma had found and Nodoka was being restrained by Kage Houshi.

ECB: Wow, I didn't know truth serum just suddenly made you a babbler
describing in explicit detail horrendous happenings.

       Yes... but which is more likely in a Ranmaverse? A normal, chemical truth serum or a magical one?



    "Yes," said Genma, struggling against the effects of the potion.

ECB: This works, but unless they asked, I see no reason he'd elaborate
on specific wretched details.

    "Oh my," said a pale Kasumi.
    "This clenches it," said Nabiki, "You are the WORST father in
history."

ECB: We love our Genma bashing.

    "Actually," said Kage Houshi, "I once knew this guy who wrapped
his son up in fish sausages and repeatedly threw him into a pit of
starving cats..."

ECB: Yadda Yadda...

    "So did Genma," said Nabiki.
    "Oh," Kage Houshi replied, "Nevermind."

ECB: This scene lacks power.  I find myself yawning through it.  Yadda
yadda... Genma is slime... can we see your 'plot' now?

    "So where do I come in?" asked Ranma... err... Recca... err...
whatever his name is.

ECB: Um, why is that there?  That should be the impartial narrator
or descriptive prose.  Not something that should involve speech
notations.

    "On my way home," droned Genma, "I was thinking of a suitable
lie to tell my wife, when a flash of white light appeared behind me. I
turned and looked, and saw a small child wearing a silk kimono with the
name 'Recca' embroidered on it. The child looked so much like my son
that I simply took him home and passed him off as him."

ECB: Okay.  Cool.  Crossover season in full blast.  Now...to get your
readers to care you must first master the art of praying mantis and
bowing sloth.

       Hehe.



    Kage Houshi released the crying Nodoka, and snapped her fingers,
breaking Genma's chemically-induced trance.

ECB: ...Now I've heard everything. "And with a snap of my fingers,
your body will suddenly throw off the chemicals you were forced to
imbibe."


       Again, which is more likely in a Ranmaverse? A normal truth potion or an enchanted one?


    "So, which name will you go by, Son?" asked Kage Houshi.
    "Ranma," he replied, "I'm just used to it, I guess."

    When Genma-panda returned later that day with a deep chest wound,
noone questioned it.

ECB: Okay, you are evil thoughtless pathetic swine just above an AA
Genma...  no-one would question it but...why aren't you dead yet?  
Comic relief you certainly aren't providing...so you could at least
be a martyr for the story in some way.


       Heh. He still has a role to play.


-------------------

    "So, tell us about yourself, Kage Houshi-san," said Kasumi.
    "Well... my real name is Kagero."

ECB: "Hello, here is my real identity behind my secret identity and
isn't this nice for me to spill my entire history in one go..."

    "Okay, Kagero-san."
    "Please, just Kagero."
    "Okay, Kagero."
    "Hmm... Where to start?"

ECB: GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD, YOU'VE MOCKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME. -Batjew

-------------------

    "So, Kagero-san," Akane asked at dinner, "What was Ranma's REAL
father like?"
    "Hmm..." she started, "He had this insatiable urge for battle...
I think he got that from his mother, along with the tail..."

ECB: And here is for the random DBZ cross.  God Ranma: He's strong,
He's handsome, He's always there for you.  He's PERFECT!  PERFECTLY
INFURIATING THAT IS!

    "TAIL?!?" Ranma exclaimed.

ECB: I could build a house out of the spare punctuation in this fic.

    "Yes," Kagero admitted, "She wasn't human. Something called a
'saiyajin'. I really don't know much about them, except that they'd
turn into giant monkeys when the moon was full. If you cut off their
tail they'd change back, though."

ECB: "Insert gratuitous fanboyisms."  Really now, this doesn't compute
as we are already shown that partial sayajin's retain the tail (it is
apparently a dominant trait).  Even if it isn't in this
'universe'...why bring up all this info?  It just screams: "I am
Fanboy.  Hear Me Roar.  Squeak."

       Okay... look. Let's call the gene for a tail 'T' for our purposes. If it's a single, dominant gene held by all Saiyajin (or at least by all of the Saiyajin in DBZ), a pure-blooded Saiyajin would have the genotype TT and the phenotype T. It's customary to use the corresponding lower-case letter for a recessive trait, so we'll call the corresponding, recessive human gene 't'. Now, a half-Saiyajin would have a genotype Tt and a phenotype T. In other words, he'd have a tail, and be a carrier for the 'no-tail' gene. Now, a quarter-Saiyajin would be the result of a half-Saiyajin mating with a human (or, for our purposes, someone without a tail). This would be expressed:

     t       t
-+-----+-----+
T&#124;  Tt  &#124;   Tt &#124;
+-----+-----+
t &#124;  tt   &#124;  tt   &#124;
+-----+-----+

       In other words, flip a coin. If it's heads, the quarter-Saiyajin has a tail; if it's tails, (s)he doesn't. This is perfectly consistent with DBZ, which has exactly *ONE* quarter-Saiyajin: Pan.




-------------------

    From where she was listening in, Cologne almost started drooling.

ECB: Mr. Sense, you may leave the building.  You will not be needed
for this fic.

-----------------

    "Oh my," said Kasumi.
    "Interesting," said Nabiki.
    "..." said Ranma, in shock.

ECB: You know, I've always wondered how exactly you say "..."  After
all, it is originally a text expression that only has connotations
in chats where you cannot see the other person to show that you are
there but for some reason or other not actively responding with words
to the events.  It does often depict shock...  but I wonder how you
would do it in even an anime world.  Does he shout out ". . ."  And
does the silence ring on?  Does he scowl menacingly, his mouth opening
just to release the ominous: ". . ."

ECB: Just so you don't miss it: The reason I wonder is because you
can't verbally express ". . ."

       Hehe. Changed. Thanks.



-----------------

    Upon returning to the Nekohanten, Cologne sat and thought about
what she had heard. Ranma was quite a prize, even when she had thought
that talent and his lust to be the best had been the result of how he
was raised. Now that she knew that they were, at least to some extent,
genetic,

ECB: No, he had absolutely no genetic predisposition towards being even
able to move.  IT'S ALL A LIE... oh, wait... common sense dictates
that he would logically have genetic predisposition towards being good.
Genma is, without dispute, a powerful martial artist.  Is it too much
to stop the Genma bashing in favor of more balanced and eloquent
scene writing?


       Perhaps, but... how much of one? Besides, Genma-bashing is... a fanfiction cliche! I admit, freely, that I don't like Genma, and that I think that he's one of the worst fathers in all of fiction. That being said, he does have his good points (however hard they are to find). As such, this portrait of him is largely a result of the deliberate over-use of cliches that this story uses as a method of parody.


she mentally upgraded him from "prime breeding stock" to "we MUST get
this boy's genes into the tribe, child", and that was not even taking
into account the chance to obtain the legendary power of the Hokage
flame masters.

ECB: It's over?  THANK THE KAMI! IT'S OVER!  WHEE!  Sincerely,
Hatred Eternal.


    Next Time:
    The One True Mallet!

ECB: Not another crossover, for the love of Satan...It's too much
without any base.

       Hehe. No... not *ONE* more... several more.



*End ECB*

Okay, needless to say, this also fails Make Sense.  You use far too
many crossovers without thinking through any of them.  They are
needlessly included and thoughtlessly tossed in.  I do approve highly
of you sticking a sign out in front stating: "Yes, I will Suck."  You
intended this as a parody, if I recall correctly, but apparently
forgot the first job of any parody is to be funny.  When you are
mimicking absolute crap, then the funny is going to be appearing
on someone else's stage.

This needs to be scrapped badly.  It simply isn't a strong base to work
off of and the only people you will get laughing with this, besides
perhaps yourself, are those who are too mentally braindead to do
anything but laugh.

       I'm sorry that you think that. I'll admit that this story isn't exactly fine literature, but it's not supposed to be. It's intended as a source of a few cheap laughs; every plot device that I use is, in some form or another, an over-used fanfiction cliche. In other words, you largely missed the point. While I appreciate your criticism, and am intending to use quite a bit of it to improve my story, several people, including some who I respect as authors, disagree with you on this point.

[Anastasia]

-_-

That about sums it up, sadly.

[Dracos]

Yeah, I did respond but it really isn't a good enough show to bother posting.

Fearless Leader