ECB vs OMGWTFLOL man

[Anastasia]

Golden sunshine is coupled with frigid winds today, making it a fine day to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and type. I welcome you to this edition of the Evil Commentary Bureau. Today's subject is from the burning depths of fanfiction.net's Doom section and goes by the name of 'Doom: Repercussions of Evil'. As is the ECB ethic, this fic will be fairly analyzed and critiqued on its own merits.  To further the spirit of fairness, the author is allowed a single response to this review, to be sent to dunefar@hotmail.com. We regret that we must limit you to one, but our reviewers are busy people.

This ECB and all others may be seen at dracos.anifics.com. If you like, you can stop by and see them.

Now, on to the ECB.

ECB vs OMGWTFLOL man

*Begin ECB*

DOOM: Repercussions of Evil

ECB: Nice work with your title.  It's right where it should be and done properly...

ECB: ...And then you piss on us by not having a disclaimer. Now, any decent fanfiction should have a sparking disclaimer to pay homage to the source material.  It is a simple courtesy to honor the original work. What do you do?

ECB: You go and JACK OFF ON DOOM AND THE READERS WITH YOUR HERPES INFESTED CUM! I am disgusted with the disrespect you show for Doom. If you gave a cent of care or had an ounce of respect for Doom, you would have a disclaimer, bitch.

ECB: As I gaze down on your story, I vomit in horror at what you pass off as formatting.  Line breaks, the space key and even lines would all be a welcome relief.

John Stalvern waited.

ECB: Uh huh.  Good for you, John. Of course, I'd just love to know where he's waiting. Damn, that scene he's in must be too powerful for you to describe.  Fear the mighty, indescribable
scene! Also, I'd just die to know who John Stalvern is. For all we know, he's the first living pretzel bag.

The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air.

ECB: "Well, isn't that cuuuuute... BUT IT'S WRONG!" - Two Stupid Dogs

ECB: I'm sorry, your sentence has been returned for not making sense. '...blink and sparked out of the air' makes as much sense as saying 'Peanut butter authors and Suzuki mindfucks.' Lights cannot spark and blink out of the air.  Now pay attention, this is a good version of that clusterfuck.

ECB: The lights above him blinked and sparked, sending bit of orange light cascading downward...Or...The lights above him blinked and sparked...Or...Jagged sparks drifted down from blinking light above him. Any of these would work in place of your faux pas of a scribbling.

There were demons in the base.

ECB: Sure, I'll buy that.  It is Doom, after all. But, it is an ungodly and shitty way to make your premise with a single sentence. There are demons in the base! OMGWTFLOL!  We're all gonna die! Shit, even the source material had a better setup, and it's a fucking FPS shooter.

He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years.

ECB: I perceive something about you now.  I see that you utterly lack the ability to write a coherent sentence with more than six words in it. Go and read the last part of your sentence out loud and come back with a better one.

ECB: I didn't see the bad fics, but I expected them. - Dunefar

His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late.

ECB: Colonel. I'm assuming you meant a high ranking officer and not a bit of corn, correct?

ECB:...On second though, what does it matter?  A chunk of corn will have the same about of life and shine to it as your colonel. But anyway, let's move onto the rest of this sentence. From the sounds of this, your hero is a paranoid lunatic who fills his COs ears with warnings about boogeymen.

ECB: "The perfect hero is a delusional idiot! - The author

Far too late for now, anyway.

ECB: Agreed, it is far too late for one thing.  *Stabs the fic with an AOHell CD*  It deserved no less.

John was a space marine for fourteen years.

ECB: Right. While I'm sure that this matters somewhere, what the hell is it doing here? I know, let's throw in random, unneeded details and facts in the middle of the story! At least we know he's a faceless Space Marine now.  The man with no identity has a job!  

When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."

ECB: For the sake of my sanity, I'll just post a corrected version of that sentence.  The effort to further expand on what you wrote would be a death knell to my psyche.  Even I have limits to the crap I can handle.

ECB: "When he was young he watched the spaceships. One time, he turned to his Dad and said, "I want to be on the ships, Daddy."

Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"

ECB: BE KILL! BIKILL!...Sorry, your little grammar fuck up reminded me of something Dragon Questish. I think you get your first and likely only good point for that.

ECB: Please upgrade your statement to Grammar 2.0.  Eliminate those nasty tangles and errors in your writing like be kill, lacking commas, and no ending punctuation!

There was a time when he believed him.

ECB: Ah, the passing of youth.  It's a time when idiot authors believe that they suck and thus don't pollute our monitors.

Then as he got oldered he stopped.

ECB: Older, in case you truly can't realize 'oldered' is a filthy bastardization of older.

ECB: Then I got sick of your shit and shot you in the fucking face.  *Shoots the author with a Magnum*

But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.

ECB: Now technically this sentence may be correct, but it still reads like horse shit. This is how a non retarded person says it, retard.

ECB: "But now he knew there were demons in the base."

"This is Joson" the radio crackered.

ECB: Cracker Radio presents, yo! Fucking idiot, it's crackled, not crackered.

ECB: Joson...Eh, whatever. I guess it might be a correct name.  Just as how you might be an intelligent person who can write.

"You must fight the demons!"

ECB: "You must ECB this putrid mess of a fic" - My brain

So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.

ECB: From the hand of Sacred Grammar, I stab thee!  There is so much wrong with this sentence that I don't know where to start.  From the misspelling of plasma, to the tense error of gotted, and the overall terrible sentence structure, I'm in shock at how badly you butchered English.

ECB: Okaaaay. He 'must fight the demons', so he blows up a wall?  What the FUCK? Dear God, those wall demons are coming for me! HELP! THE WALL DEMONS WILL KILL US ALL!

"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons

ECB: Whatever. Could you at least kill the audience while you're at it?

"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles.

ECB: A description of the Cyberdemon is needed. Sure, I've played Doom and I know what it looks like, but it's just lazy not to describe it.

ECB: This is reaching a level of shittiness rarely seen even in the annals of ECBs. Rocket missles? Lacking punctuation? A cyberdemon that can talk for no good reason?  Fuck, stop raping our brains with your piddling.

ECB: At this point, there is only one way for this fic to have a happy ending.  Petey boy, kindly go take a kitchen knife and stab yourself in the face. What, the author committed suicide? YAY, a happy ending!  I so love them.

ECB: Kapitos must DIE! - Dracos

John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up.

ECB: "John fired balls of plasma at it, hoping to slay the beast" That was just a off the cuff way to make that sentence not suck.

But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

ECB: But then you sucked and you wrote a shitty fic and you made me want to punch out my monitor.
A caveat with me using the very same and error you made, but it still is infinitely better than your disaster zone of a sentence.

"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted

ECB: OMG! WTF! LOL! BBQ! PBJ! BJ&K!

ECB: At this point, random abbreviations make a better read than that grammar hole ridden feces pile.

The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"

ECB: Amazing radio system we have here. By golly, it can tell when you've become a zombie!  

And then John was a zombie.

ECB: Thank God. This will end the pain, right?

*End ECB*

-_- This story just sucked.  I won't try and dress it up nicely, it was awful.  You get an F and I fully expect you to stab yourself to death with your F.

Thanks to Figment and Dracos for proofreading this.

[Anastasia]

I got a response, and in English no less. I think I'm rather glad that this was intentional.  It restores a small, small shard of hope for humanity.

I'm not really sure how I want to respond to this offhand, I'll save that for after my last exam today.

I'm not quite sure how you're going to react to this, but my Doom fanfic was actually a parody. I think parody is the right word for it, anyway. It's probably more like an inside joke. I use the alias Peter Chimaera to create
absolutely awful fan fiction for the evil purposes of my own amusement and the confusion of unwary passersby.

I think this story is probably the most painful of the four stories I uploaded, and the most believable. I think my Batman fanfic, for instance, went too far and wouldn't fool anyone for a second.

Sorry that I made you go through the effort of reading something that apparently hurt you in a very profound way, but if it's any consolation, I laughed my
ass--and several other asses that happened to be around at the time--off at your review. It's obviously not your first. I'd be very interested in reading more.

If you'd like a sample of some of my less infuriating writing, I posted one story under my usual internet alias here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1114567

I should warn you, I wrote and edited it fairly quickly and never looked back so it might not be A-grade quality but at least it's not, "You will BE KILL BY DEMONS."If you watched the show Full House, my cruel dark humour would make more sense to you than otherwise, but if you haven't you might still enjoy it somehow. I don't really go into depth with the pre-defined characters.

Thanks for the review,
Tom White.

[Dracos]

Suggestion would be simply to join in in the laughter.  Note that the fic was mainly selected on the fact that tearing it apart would be humorous.  Note you are glad they enjoy the jest as well.

Fearless Leader

[Calorn]

HAHAHAHA...that's Dunefar for you.  I can't wait to read more.