Evil Commentary Bureau versus PSYCHONEKOKENRANMA!

[Dracos]

Well, a random one from the submissions today.  One of the dozens of ffnet submissions that managed to survive long enough for an Evil Commentary Bureau criticism to take place.  This will be a fair and unbiased review of the fic on its own merits.  To the author, Shawnieboy13, we wish you...well.

As always this will be maintained for public record at http:\\dracos.anifics.com along with all other Evil Commentary Bureau productions.  One response shall be allocated to the author, if sent to the email box:Dracos12@hotmail.com.  We are sorry we cannot allocate more but our staff is extremely busy and in high demand all the time.

"Evil Commentary Bureau Versus PSYCHONEKOKENRANMA!"

*Begin ECB*
Goodbye Ramna

ECB: Quite a large blank space between your title and your fic start.  I don't even have to press enter for at least the first couple of lines to have plenty of writing space to work with here.  Nice start on that.  I'm so blinded by the blank space that I fail to see your disclaimer.  Could it be because there isn't one?  Heavens no, that would mean you are just a childish thief who doesn't understand the song and dance of showing some god damn respect to the author of the source material you are using.  No, not that!  Here, use a cookie, you might distract me!




Akane walked away from Ramna depressed and sad about what she was doing when Ramna was in this state.

ECB: Who?  What's worse is that you know this is a mistake and you refuse to edit it.  Is find and replace too difficult an editting command for you?   Can't even just manually go through and edit it?  Powerful opening, though.  I can almost feel the pathethic yelping of this starved opener as it cries for verbage to give it POWER!

Ramna was in his cat-like stage where he pictured himself as a cat.

ECB: As opposed to his dog-like state where he pictured himself as a plaid platypus.


Tears fell from her eyes as she walked away.

ECB: Yes, because trigger related phobias are such tragedies that they require one to break out into Paul Simon's "Fifty way's to leave your lover".  We feel for you, Akane.  We really do!  "Slip out the back, Jack..."

Ramna and Akane were once in love but Ramna's problem was to much for Akane.

ECB: I feel such a sense of sorrow for her.  Really.  I mean it's not like he wasn't exhibiting this problem well before they got married.  It isn't like it's hard to bloody circumnavigate.  But no, it's truly a marriage breaking problem.

Nabaki, her sister, was soon to be married to a handsome normal man which made Akane realize what hell Ramna's disability put her through.

ECB: Na-bi-ki.  N-A-B-I-K-I.  Nabiki!  Nabiki!  Nabeshin says, "If you can't figure out Nabby's name, look it up in my afro.  It's not that hard to find!"  USE YOUR INTERWEB!  GET OFF THE DAMN JOYSTICK!  IT'S NOT MEANT FOR THAT TYPE OF USE!

Akane thought to herself as Ranma jumped around hissing and clawing like a cat

ECB: Because Ranma totally falls into a feral hissing rage all the time in this state when he's alone with a sympathetic Akane.  Yep.  He acts nothing like a big tabby cat in this state at all.  Wonder Ranma Powers, UNITE!  MIND OF A RETARDED DOG!

" I don't care about family honor. I used to love him but not anymore. I can't stay with him any longer or he will drive me to death. I must leave."

ECB: Run, Akane, Run.  You are in mortal danger of your life in unnamed and undescribed-ville.  The faceless npcs will look down on you and nod knowingly!

Akane thought back to when she and Ramna first found out they were to be married.

ECB: Cue, Episode one, Ranma 1/2.  I know this ends up having to be altverse but you really haven't declared anything other than this being a Ranma fic.  So how the hell are we readers supposed to know?  Psychic powers?

She was so happy, always anxious to see what Ramna would write in his letters but she couldn't take it any longer.

ECB: Ranma the penpal?  What kind of fucked up reality is this?  Certainly it isn't the uncouth traveling fist fighter that we know and love.

Akane had left a note in Ramna's pocket before he went into his cat-like mind that read:

ECB: Before?  Thought she just decided now.  Wait, weak continuity breaking down.  Logic sensors going dark.  George? What is it, George?  Please don't turn me off, George.  LETTER COMMENCING!



[Ramna,


ECB: I like my enter key.  A lot.  So Enter Enter Enter Enter Enter.  Whee, no one will notice me stacking my own fanfic with empty space, right Mr. Author?



Ramna my love, I am sorry that I have to do this but I can not hold it any longer.

ECB: Akane: I am really a man and hate cats.  FUCK YOU ALL!
ECB: Now that certainly was an unexpected revelation!

God knows himself knows I love you but I can not stand you when you think you are a cat.

ECB: Uh, huh.  References to god in the American fashion are always bad form coming from Japanese.  Second, she's know about this how long?

I will always love you. But right now I don't give a damn about family honor.

ECB:"I love you, only I really hate you!"  I love this dialogue.  It's almost as good as a two am soap opera pitched to a bunch of piss drunk raving insomniac loons!  Huh?  You mean you intended this to be read by individuals capable of using more than half a percent of their brain?

It was a disgrace to both of our family's when my father and yours engaged us before we were married.

ECB: O_O;;.  Woaaaaah.  That's a powerful line.  "No, it was a disgrace to our families honor that they decided to engage us before we married.  We should certainly have decided we loved each other while not being legitimately engaged and then had a hot and sorrid sex scene before getting married...and then we could get engaged to get married!  Wouldn't it be beautiful!"

But sometimes I am glad they did.

ECB: Because she lovehates him?  Because then she could abandon him?  Oh, because she didn't know that he was psychologically unstable beforehand?  I'd love to know the background behind this because it seems to be some odd mixture of samurai Japan culture and modern culture.  Who knows what time period it's taking place in!  Confusing as hell.

But now most of the time you are not in your state of mind. I will always love you and remember you and I hope you can too.

ECB:No, no!  This is CRAZY TALK!  Abandon Ranma suddenly to travel off by wagon!  Why don't we get a few gunslingers together and we can have a low budget western?!  We can call it "Akane and the Catcrazy Kid".  No, wait, that was me dreaming of a fic that wouldn't be meandering all over the place without rhyme or reason.

Your former love,




Akane]

ECB: Readers, you may notice the amazingly large blank space above.  You see, once this fic had a plot that made any sense.  Unfortunately, between the time of it coming into existence and being posted, it was SUCKED OUT OF THE FIC THROUGH THE WHITE HOLE WHICH DEVOURS ALL FANFICTION!
ECB: For gullible idiots, read: The author's friends, no, this wasn't the case.  The fic always sucked.


Akane was heart-broken at the remembrance of the letter.

ECB: Just like I'm heartbroken five seconds after posting this ECB?  Golly, she switches moods fast!  "I'm loving!  I'm scared!  I'm angry!  I'm leaving!  No, I'm staying!  No, I'm sad I left!  Dammit, why'd I write that letter?"

She glanced once more at her former beloved then walked out of their family dojo.

ECB: Into the thriving city right outside?  No wait, this is some altuniverse where the Tendo dojo is in the middle of nowhere!  And of course, all of Akane's family is dead or gone?  Yes!  Brilliant, we will move their dojo out into the wilderness with one road nearby which of course has a wagon conveniently right there in time to take her away!  Can we say: CONTRIVED!


She walked to the road nearby.

ECB: You mean a step from the door if one goes by either of the sources?  Of course, you are completely legitimately allowed to change that, but it has to make some sort of sense.  There's no reason to have the dojo in the middle of nowhere, regardless of the time period.  In fact, a dojo in the middle of nowhere would die out quickly unless it was legendary/religious.

A wagon came riding down the dirt-road. As Akane watched the wagon come closer it slowed down and as soon as it stopped Akane hopped aboard it.

ECB: See the blur.  The blur is known as a wagon.  It has no one on it.  It is carrying nothing.  It has no driver, but still moves and stops according to drama!  Mighty Drama...  please kill the author!  It'll be dramatic!  I promise!


She didn't think she just wanted to get as far away as possible.

ECB: Into the vast unknown...wait...again, aren't they supposed to be in a big city?  I know.  She's traveling to the far off land of Gouda.  Where the mighty Cheese lord will save her from this cheesy plot!


******************************************************************************




Ramna's mind was slowly coming back to him now. His vision started to come back to him as his own. He realized he was very tired probably from rolling and jumping around on the ground.

ECB: He realized?  He wasn't just tired?  And since when does Ranma get exhausted so easily?  Hell, this is a guy who has endurence to spare!  In the original, we tend to see Ranma recovering after falling asleep and requiring a cat trigger to go into the state.  Now in this, it's obviously different, but there's no real rhyme or reason to it!

After a few minutes all his senses had come back.

"Ah, thank you Akane for staying with me again. I owe you for the thousandth time," Ramna said without looking for his lover.

ECB: Uh huh, I do wonder what this Ranma must have done EARLY on, before he had Akane around!  No wait, let's not think of how things GOT to this stage!

Ramna rolled over onto his side with curiosity that Akane had not answered when he heard a crumble in his pocket.

ECB: Amazing.  So she got a letter into his pocket while he was in an insane catlike state?  Truthfully, that isn't too bad compared to the rest of the fic.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter Akane had wrote to him.

ECB: "Dear Ranma, FUCK OFF!"

He read it and and crumbled it up with rage.

ECB: VENGEANCE!  I MUST HATEFULLY KILL A RANDOM PERSON TO SHOW MY POWER RAAAAAAAAAH!

Then a tear droped from his eye as he realized what had happened. Then Ramna's manservant entered the room with a tray of tea when he stopped in horror at Ramna's eyes.

ECB: Because Ranma and Akane are undoubtably wealthy and have dozens of manservants who know to come in right after Ranma could've been still in his insane state without any signal from the mistress.  And of course, no one noticed Akane leaving!  That would've required her walking through the house instead of teleporting away!
ECB: Oh wait, this is "Ramna", my mistake!

Ramna's cat-rage was taking over his body and he began to go into his cat-state.

ECB: Yeah.  Okay.  Sure.

Ramna jumped at the man and kicked him in the chest. The man flew back into the wall and fell dead to the floor.

ECB: SUPER DEATH KICK!  This is the best fight scene I've EVER SEEN!  It's so good, it could put a hyperactive child to sleep in one glance!

Ramna turned from his kill and with a mighty hiss and a gnashing of his teeth went slowly insane in his cat-like mind.

ECB: Because you have to not only turn away from your kill, which you made before going 'slowly insane', but you have to hiss and gnash your teeth before you 'slowly' go insane.

*End ECB*

Well, I think the conclusion should be obvious by this point.  From a difficult to work start to simply not thinking through what was being write, this fails to make sense.  Looking ahead, it only gets worse, but that's all the time we have for this author.  To all of our readers out there, Good night.  ^_^

Kind Fearless Leader

[calendar]

*twitches*

Can't... continue...!  Must go... wash out... brain...

[thepanda]

I almost got kicked out of the computer lab while reading this one. While scanning over it I missed the ECB tag in front of the adlibbed dialogue.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter Akane had wrote to him.

"Dear Ranma, FUCK OFF!"

[Dracos]

^_^

Fearless Leader

[Ranma_007]

Nice one, Dracos.

[Jeram]

Dang...

Nice work - that writing just hurt my brain a bit - but boy am I glad you didn't ECB anymore.

[Corwin]

Fic... r0x0rZ. Must have more!