Sightless Spark

[KLSymph]

This story is for the Anime Addventure, and at least partly for showing the writers of the AA what kind of quality to shoot for. This is, what, the fifth rewrite of the same story I've worked on for three years?

**********

The first thing Ranma Saotome heard was his dad Genma agreeing to put him in school.  The second was a hardcover's bang on meeting Genma's face, a bang that brought the guards outside running into the office.

Old Man Konoe waved them out again, while Genma Saotome lay on the floor sweating and slightly bruised.

"Why?" said Ranma.  In one hand he hefted another book from Konoe's shelf.

"Now, listen to me boy.  You know that school would be good for you--"

His dad was already babbling, looking back and forth between Ranma across the room and Konoe behind the desk, but there was no comfort from either.

"Why?" said Ranma again.  "You know damn well I'm training. I don't have time for school."

"Boy, you heard what Konoe said!  He'll even help you!  It's a gift you don't normally get!"

Ranma hadn't heard.  The two men's debate had been so stodgy that he dozed off.  They hadn't even been talking about him, just how quickly and bluntly to shove the Saotomes out of Mahora, and his dad wouldn't cave to Konoe's schooling demands even if the topic came up.

Ranma obviously figured Genma wrong.  Then again, he had no excuse for thinking Genma was dependable after a decade on the road with the man.  If Genma hadn't supported him for so long, he'd have kicked his dad to the curb years ago.

"What kind of gift," Ranma asked, "should I need to learn the martial arts you're teaching me yourself?  And how do they make up for all the time I lose sitting in class for eight hours a day?  You think I'll care about grades when I'm tired from training?  Or that I'll concentrate on training when I have homework?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Don't tell me you didn't already think of these things."

"It's--"  Genma grasped for some sort of excuse.  Strange, Ranma thought, his dad usually found excuses more quickly than that.  "It's... the law?"

Sure, Ranma was only fifteen, and should've been subject to compulsory education through his last year of middle school, but hearing his dad appeal to the law was like hearing his dad sing karaoke.

Genma has no answer to the disgust on Ranma's face, and Old Man Konoe barged into the conversation before Ranma remembered the brick-shaped Ryuunosuke Akutagawa anthology in his hand and put it to rightful use.

"You mustn't underestimate what a formal education will do for you in the future--"

Even though Konoemon Konoe was the old and accomplished headmaster of Mahora's city of schools, he wasn't someone Ranma respected even on generous days.  Maybe it was the age difference.  Maybe it was how Konoe watched over him like a doddering grandfather.  Maybe it was the large shriveled head.

"I don't need a regular education.  Studying by myself is perfectly good enough."

"But you'll have a regular place to live," said Genma from the floor.

Ranma's disgust didn't change.  "I'll decide when I care about living regularly, and I say the stability and convenience and whatever else you're selling is totally outweighed by the bullshit of the regular school day.  I don't see why you're even arguing this, because I know you know it."

Genma fell silent, and he continued to look back at Konoe for help.  Konoe wore a disappointed frown, and Genma winced as he did whenever a threat was directed at his face.  "Boy, this was something decided years ago.  I already promised Konoe I would put you into regular school."

Ranma pulled his arm back for a throw.  "In case you forgot, you also promised to concentrate on training me.  If you can't keep your own promises straight, don't pull me into them."

"I'm not trying to pull you into anything!"  Genma's face changed from sweaty panic to quivering shame.

"Then why are you doing this?"

Genma looked down.

"I can't hear you," said Ranma, despite knowing Genma hadn't spoken.

"I agreed to this because you've gotten out of control!"

The only reply Ranma had was, "What?"

But the question wasn't from confusion, and surprise wasn't in it either.  It was a low and dangerous demand for explanation.

At that demand, Genma began quivering more.  "These past years, you've become so wild that it's gotten me to think you need more time with normal kids or else something bad will happen.  When Konoe contacted me, I agreed because of that.  I didn't bring you here by coincidence."

"So this was all arranged?"  Ranma glanced over at Konoe for a second, but the old man stayed silent to let the Saotomes run their family melodrama.

"I don't know what's gotten into you," said Genma, "but you've changed so much from the playful boy you've always been.  Now you're too serious, dead fixated on whatever's in front of you, always having massive shifts in mood, and you just disregard all the normal morality that I try to teach you."

"Normal morality, the kind you like to exploit in shopkeepers and dojo masters?"

"It's my responsibility to be your parent," said Genma, plainly evading that point.  "I have to make decisions to make sure you grow up a good man.  And this decision even meets Konoe's approval."

Ranma's mood had turned in the last minute from fire to ice, but both burned equally hard.  "So what?  You couldn't handle the pressure so you dump it on somebody else?  That's like you."

"It's something I have power over you to do, boy!  Don't forget that even you agreed to obey my decisions as your father, no matter what else you ignore!"

Ranma paused, amazed that Genma dared invoke Ranma's own integrity.  But as daring as it was, his dad knew that it was effective.  He had made that promise.

He forced himself calm, and the room fell silent.

"Then you agree to this?" said Konoe when the atmosphere settled.  He looked pleased, but diplomatically cleared the pleasure from his wrinkled face when Ranma looked at him.

Ranma didn't nod, but silence was enough.

"Then it is done, isn't it?  I will have all the particulars taken care of for your stay.  And Genma, set your mind at ease, I will arrange things as we discussed."

"And when," asked Ranma, "are you going to share this arrangement with me?"

"It's nothing large, just that Genma will be elsewhere, and he will see you, as we discussed, in a year's time."

Ranma whirled toward Genma, who was finally getting up from the floor.  "You're leaving too?  Where the hell are you going?"

"It's rather simple," said Konoe.  "With you in school, your father wouldn't be the best influence on your academics, or your social integration among kids your own age.  I'm sure you agree, as he did."

Ranma had heard this argument before.  Years ago, Konoe had said the same thing.  The old man didn't think much of Genma's child-raising habits.

"What about the training," Ranma said to Genma.  "How am I supposed to learn from you?"

"I am still offering my facilities and resources," said Konoe, but Ranma ignored him this time.

Genma didn't answer.  He seemed to defer to Konoe now, and Ranma scowled at the obvious control Konoe held.

Ranma stalked across the room with the book in hand, toward Konoe as the old man sat behind his desk.  "And who are you to keep a kid from his parent?  Last I heard, school principals don't have that power, and you don't do it just because you disagree with how a dad brings up his own kid. Do you have proof of abuse or something?"

Before Konoe could answer, Genma decided now was the right time to act tough.  "Boy, you've already agreed to school, so stop whining about it!  Leaving you here is my choice as much as his."

Ranma hurled Akutagawa at Genma, but the book rebounded off Konoe's picture window when Genma ducked.  "And the ass-kicking I'll give you didn't factor into that choice? You said you'd train me!  Now you're passing me off!"

"Even if I'm passing you off, putting you into school is a parental decision!"

Ranma had to bite back his curses.  He couldn't throw away his own integrity, no matter how much a hypocrite Genma was.

The guards outside looked back in at another sound of something being thrown, and when Ranma didn't stop Genma's exit, they lead Genma out the same way they brought him in earlier.

Genma was too nervous to look Ranma in the eye again.  "You better have the boy's attitude changed by the time I get him back," he said to Konoe as he left.

"Your father," said Konoe after the door shut and the office was quiet, "was bothered by how your personality has developed--"

"You think I'm stupid?  You think I don't see he was bothered?"

"--from living with him for so long.  He hoped you'd calm down a little with normal social contact."

Ranma unclenched muscles in his hand he hadn't noticed were tightened.  "Don't give that lazy blowhard credit for my personality.  He didn't teach social skills, good or bad."

"Well, let's not talk about someone behind his back.  It's beside the point.  You've already agreed to schooling now, yes?"

Ranma's glare shined with bitterness.  "Yeah, I'm going to attend school.  And you have nothing to do with it, so stop asking over and over like you understand what the first damn difference it makes if I agree or not."

Konoe raised his hands in apology.  "As long as you understand, that's quite enough for me.  I must say, Genma's right, you really have become more emotional since I last saw you, and you were no rock of steadiness then.  Being left behind by your father this way must be agitating, but really we do have good reasons.  Calm your mind, and you'll see that I'm doing the right thing for you."

Ranma weighed that option with the calming possibility of breaking a few nearby objects, but the stuff in Konoe's office wasn't very valuable anyway.  He marched out without a word, and the one guard still standing outside didn't move to stop him.

Outside in the hallway the windows were opened a crack, and the evening winds of late March sent chills across his back. Ranma wasn't bothered, because the heat inside his stomach from all the bile kept him toasty.  The target of that bile was probably already off the island by now.  His dad always knew how to flee.

All of the training Genma promised just vanished, and he was stuck in this place, without the slightest clue what to do. Go to school?  He could think of a hundred reasons against it.  School was unnecessary.  Uninformative.  Unfruitful. Ninety-seven other un- words.

But even if school was unnecessary, uninformative, and unfruitful, he had no reason to refuse it besides his own distaste.  What was that compared to his integrity?  He only had a year to wait, and then he'd be out of middle school, with no more compulsory education.  Old Man Konoe wouldn't have any more power over him, and he'd beat sense into his dad.  A whole year, but he could tough this out.

Ranma stared in disgust at the plaster-and-wood walls of the school hallway, covered in conforming windows that opened to a dark outside.  Then he marched back to Konoe's office.

"Who cares if you're doing the right thing?" he replied to Konoe's previous statement as if there had been no break in conversation.  "I got a million reasons why I don't want school besides learning martial arts from Pops, but since you don't give a shit about my opinion anyway, what good is it to explain them?  I already said I'll follow through."

Konoe wasn't as good at picking up the conversation, or maybe he was just addled by Ranma's swearing, but he rallied.  "For now, I only want to examine you to find your appropriate grade level."

"I have school records."

"Yes, but those are sparse, to say the least.  You simply haven't had a continuous education, or even a frequent one, so examinations would be easiest.  You'll do your best, won't you?"

Ranma crossed his arms.  "If I'm stooping down to this, I'll skip as much school as I can instead of being bored at lower grade levels.  Do your worst."

"Well then, since school will start next week, I need to have you tested for the appropriate grade level immediately. I've already arranged it, so if you would accompany Takahata here--"

Ranma turned to see Takamichi Takahata, the tall and unshaven teacher Ranma met earlier that day, already in the room.  He thought the man was room decoration, but apparently not.

He had another problem.  "Hold on.  You're tossing me into this just like that?  Last I heard, people who take entrance exams get to study for them.  For weeks, even.  I don't think a day or two is out of the question here."

Konoe spread his hands, as if helpless, then began stroking his beard.  "I'm afraid I can't give you days.  With everything that needs to be done to put you into a school and get you oriented, if you delay it, it'll complicate your entry into the school environment.  You are a special case, after all.  Letting you start school even slightly tardy would be a great disadvantage."

Ranma could feel frustration appearing on his face, even though he hated giving Konoe the satisfaction.  "Hey, I'm not the one in a hurry here.  I'm not scared of being a little different, but you're the one who made this deal with Pops without letting me know about it, and if my scores are worse because I don't get ready, even though all other kids do, that's just as big a disadvantage."

Konoe considered that complaint, and blinked because it was reasonable.  "True, but what solution do you propose then?"

Despite how unfair having to think of an answer himself was, Ranma considered for a second.

"Fine, if a few days is too much for you, then just give me an hour.  Toss me in the library and go eat something, and I'll take your test when you get back."

"What do you think you can do in an hour?"

"What do you care?  Just give me the books."

Konoe gave Ranma the hour, Ranma took the test, and he found it the biggest waste of a Saturday evening that didn't involve a shovel.  When Konoe finished grading the clock had already chimed past ten and Ranma was busy eating takeout.

He was pretty sure principals don't grade papers personally, but maybe the old man just liked work.

Konoe called to Ranma from his desk as Ranma chatted with Takamichi, who was also eating dinner because the teacher had spent his usual meal time getting Ranma study materials, and also proctoring the test.  Ranma looked up.

"Care to tell me," said Konoe as he held up Ranma's exam sheet, "that of these subjects of mathematics, languages, social studies, physical sciences--"

"I know what subjects I just got tested on.  Get to the point."

"--how did you get fifties in mathematics and science, forty in Japanese, forty in English, thirty in cultural studies, thirty in history--"

"Be a help if I knew what those numbers mean."

"Out of fifty total for mathematics and science, forty in Japanese, forty in English, thirty in social studies...."

Konoe trailed off.

"So I got good scores," said Ranma around a piece of teriyaki chicken.

"You have perfect scores.  On each part of the test.  You qualify over the limits of the test, at least high school level."  Konoe narrowed his eyes.  "How did you get perfect scores?"

"Cheating."

In the silence that followed, Takamichi frowned at Ranma, and Ranma felt compelled to qualify his statement.  "Well, not all of it, just the parts I'm not good at.  Never cared much for history or cultural studies."

Konoe dropped the papers on his desk and began to rub his brow.  "How can you cheat," he said in the voice of a man halfway into his grave, "when you said you'll do your best?"

"What?  I did do my best.  Perfect scores after an hour of study sounds as best as you can get."

"You didn't catch him in this?" Konoe said to Takamichi.

"Not really," said the teacher who had stopped eating because he expected the question.  Ranma found the man competent.  "I didn't see him cheat at all, and I was certainly watching.  He just muttered to himself a bit. Nothing written on his arm, or a cheat sheet, or anything like that."

Konoe looked back to Ranma.  "How did you cheat?"

"Military secret," said Ranma with a straight face.

Konoe rubbed his brow harder.  "He probably did something while studying, then."

Takamichi shook his head.  "His studying was only asking for the books, and asking having me remind him of the time so he'd remember to pace his subjects right.  He wrote on a lot of paper which he threw away--"

"What was on them?"

"Well, I didn't look at them.  He yelled at me to not get in the way whenever I got close."

Ranma grunted as he finished his own meal.  He didn't like distractions.  That was one of his dad's complaints against him, the part about fixating.

"But I glanced at them after he threw them in the trash. Mostly just regular notes.  Pictures and diagrams.  Really the worst handwriting I've ever seen."

"I can believe that," said Konoe as he glanced at the written portions of Ranma's exam.  The old man sighed. "Well, if the boy can cheat and even you can't catch it, obviously any test he takes can be tainted beyond useless, so...."

"You don't seem so impressed," said Ranma.  "I figured you'd be more bothered."

"Well, it works better for me, you see.  Since we can't get a reliable score for you, in order to ensure you get the right amount of education, I've decided to put you in middle school second year."

---

How long ago?  Ranma couldn't remember easily.  Genma told him he was fifteen years old, but without celebrating birthdays and New Years, that figure and the concept of years itself lacked meaning.  Seasons passed, but with only that clue his unaided memory had just a weak grasp that he met Old Man Konoe three summers ago.

Three lifetimes ago.  Of course he changed.  Who wouldn't change in three lifetimes?  When he saw Konoe two days ago after so long, he barely remembered the man--

Ranma shoved the past into some dark corner of his mind. The present was most important.

He should've been learning martial arts from his dad.  His dad was gone.  After stewing over it for an hour after Konoe let him go for the night, Ranma decided to let it go. Revenge wasn't enjoyable enough to contemplate, so Ranma focused on the present.  School.

The day before, Konoe had offered to buy Ranma a school uniform.

Ranma scanned his choices of suits, and said, "I'll take the most expensive one."

He didn't choose that uniform to annoy Konoe, however much the old man believed so at the time.  This uniform was fine. It matched Ranma's sense of fashion.

Konoe had given Ranma some living space.

Ranma looked at the room, turned around, and said, "The last apartment I had was in a seafront highrise--"

That was all he got out before Konoe decided he was joking and walked away.  Okay, he was lying, his last place wasn't very high-risen and definitely wasn't in front of a sea, but a basement in the tenement district?

Konoe had wanted Ranma to cut his hair down to something normal.

To that demand, Ranma said--nothing.  Ranma went to a barbershop and came back the same haircut as every boy walking down the street.

That confused Konoe.  The old man was troubled that Ranma could so easily surrender a defining piece of himself.  It was beneath him.

True, but Ranma was going to school a grade below his age. It was beneath him, yet he could pretend to accept that.

Ranma was dressing in a uniform, living in a pit, and cutting his hair to blend in.  They were beneath Ranma, yet he could pretend to accept that.

Ranma was standing on a cliff-top, peering deep into Crap Canyon.  Yet even as discontent burned inside Ranma, he could pretend to accept that.

But not long.

Until then, Ranma wanted to pretend.  He wanted to be a person who could.

"Pretending's hard," Ranma said to no one as he limped down the street toward his new school.  That teacher Takamichi had a mean tackle, one that not only stopped Ranma from throwing Konoe desk out the window, but still hurt two days later.

Suck it in.  He had worse before.  He'll have worse again.

Takamichi apologized for clobbering him, but as Konoe said, no one should react to being dropped a grade by throwing a heavy and expensive desk through a large and expensive window.  Ranma shrugged at Takamichi's apology and walked it off.  He was still walking it off two days later.

Around Ranma, kids were walking down the street in the same direction.  They were his age, walking in groups or zipping by on bicycles with bells ringing.  They were dressed in boys' jackets and girls' skirts, and lugging school satchels.  They were talking about the end of spring break, the start of a new year of classes, where to meet after school, and what was on TV last night.

They would be his classmates, he realized, and he could feel a barrier of irrelevance pushing him away.

No.  Ranma stopped.  He was setting himself above and apart from everyone else, and that was trouble.  Ranma didn't want trouble today.

When Ranma limped to the school's front gate, the sight of paint scraped around a missing school plaque left him unimpressed.  Looking at the rusted gate would've killed anybody's motivation, but luckily he wasn't here to perform well.

What was he here for?

Ranma pulled a note from his own satchel.  "Attend opening ceremony," it said under Mahora's fancy letterhead.  "Find homeroom.  Make friends."

He threw the note away without reading more.  Konoe's advice was as useless on paper as it was in person.

Attend the opening ceremony, huh?  Schools had daily speeches by the school principal, or so Konoe reminded him, but Ranma couldn't remember the last time he stood for one. It must have been too long ago, or he never paid attention. Well even if he didn't today either, Konoe told him the school took attendance so he had to go.

Well, first he had to find it.

Ranma looked around the school courtyard.  It was a little too dusty for a place people walked regularly, and whoever splotched gray everywhere instead of properly painting the walls should've been fined.  Wow, this was depressing already.

Wait, he should be looking for where to go.  Ranma frowned. Even though the opening ceremony was first agenda for every student, everyone was standing around chatting or heading into different buildings instead of moving in one direction he could identify, and there were no posted signs telling him where to go.

Well, he wasn't going to wander around looking, not with this pain and not if he wanted to get there promptly.  He was already almost late because walking to school took over an hour instead of under fifteen minutes, and he couldn't even jog across the yard to get to the ceremony on time, never mind run through a morning crowd.

Konoe said that the staff here was strict about rules, and if he was late, the staff would get angry.  Okay then, since he accepted this pain as an obstacle to overcome, he'd have to go do some overcoming.

"Hey," he said to a kid passing by.  "Help me out.  Where do I go for opening ceremony?  Auditorium?  Gym field?"

Instead of answering, the boy stared at his clothes and said in disbelief, "Where the hell did you get that uniform?"

Ranma looked down on his chest, but didn't see the clown costume this boy seemed to see.  "From a box.  Who cares? Answer the question."

The boys sneered at him.  "If you wanna know, why don't you go ask your butler?"

Ranma had puzzle over that for a second, but he couldn't think of any witty response because he didn't know what that even meant.  "Ask my what?"

"You got enough cash to buy clothes like that, so you ought to have money left over.  Hire somebody to find out for you, and don't bother me."

Ranma stared at the boy, whose own uniform was so badly wrinkled that Ranma wondered if he had confused a dry cleaner with a trash compactor.

This was a bad start to the "social integration" stuff Konoe was talking about.  "Look," Ranma said, at least trying to meet Konoe's demands before putting his own demands first, "I don't know what your problem with my clothes is, but would it kill you to just point me in a direction?"

"Fine," the boy said with a grin, and pointed to a building. "It's in there."

Ranma glanced in that direction, then back.  "That's a shed."

"Better hurry.  Don't wanna miss the speech, right?"

The boy turned and began to walk off.

Konoe wanted Ranma to be socially accepted by the students of this school through being nice.  Konoe also wanted Ranma to be socially accepted by the staff of this school through doing what they wanted, and they wanted him on time.  In a blink, Ranma weighed being accepted as a peer with being accepted as a student.

**********

This ends here because the structure of the AA suggests an episode end with a choice. Anyway, as usual I've done the best I can at this point in my learning, so shred it.

[Dracos]

SHREED....

I dunno.  I didn't find it that interesting.  It just...well, I suppose I don't know the crossover element, so the whole Konoe and Ranma interaction felt kind of forced/weird.

[KLSymph]

Eh, sounds about right. I'm still working on getting this stuff down. Maybe I should've started the story with on a more universally interesting point... but I wanted the story to start with Ranma getting into the setting and end with him getting out.

Interactions between characters feeling forced, I can work with. More importantly, how's the writing of the emotions? Too blatant? Feels unnatural? If the emotions don't work right, I'm in trouble.

The most important question would be, does this first episode make you want to read more?

[Edward]

This is, what, the fifth rewrite of the same story I've worked on for three years?

I've heard it said 'It's not in the writing; it's in the rewriting.'

Anyway, as usual I've done the best I can at this point in my learning, so shred it.

If you'd like, I can give a detailed C&C of this chapter.  I am very blunt, and that doesn't always come across well, so you may not want it.

Maybe I should've started the story with on a more universally interesting point... but I wanted the story to start with Ranma getting into the setting and end with him getting out.

I felt the start of this chapter was stronger than the end.

Interactions between characters feeling forced, I can work with. More importantly, how's the writing of the emotions? Too blatant? Feels unnatural? If the emotions don't work right, I'm in trouble.

Throughout this chapter the emotions of the characters did not match the emotions I expected them to have.

The most important question would be, does this first episode make you want to read more?

Sorry, no.  I did not identify with the main character and the decision at the end has no emotional investment for the character or myself.

[KLSymph]

If you'd like, I can give a detailed C&C of this chapter.  I am very blunt, and that doesn't always come across well, so you may not want it.

I want people to help me write better, not make me feel nice. Go for it.

I felt the start of this chapter was stronger than the end. ... and the decision at the end has no emotional investment for the character or myself.

This is understandable, and as much as I don't really like to do so, I have to chalk this up to a limitation of the Addventure's structure. Ideally the "chapter" should end halfway through or keep going to more dramatic chapter cut-off, but if I believe the story won't be as well received with shorter length (for one thing, it sets up a misleading expectation for the length and complexity of future episodes), while a longer episode length than 20k isn't very appropriate for the Addventure. In addition, I usually end Addventure episodes with a decision (even one that's not especially dramatic), because that is probably the best consistent way to break episodes. The most popular alternatives on the AA are the "and now something happens" and the "let's switch to another scene" breaks, which are plain awful for thread continuity.

Throughout this chapter the emotions of the characters did not match the emotions I expected them to have.

This is also understandable, and something I'm really struggling to balance. On the one hand, if the characters don't act similar to canon, readers won't identify with them. On the other hand, the AA is buried under cliche canon-based characterization and I'm not interested in following that wagon. For the sake of something unfamiliar, I heavy revised the backstory of every character away from canon and constructed a plot which I think would lead to new and interesting interactions, but that necessarily alienates people who want to or expect to read interactions closer to canon. The best I can do is make the emotions and actions consistent with the new backstories, but because the story is as much about discovering the backstories as anything, that means that the backstories are going to be shrouded for quite some time, which doesn't help the alienation one bit. And of course I can't guarantee I'm successful in writing consistently anyway.

In other words, bah. I have to appeal to my credibility as a writer to keep the suspension of disbelief up. That's why I need to ask people what they think.

Sorry, no.  I did not identify with the main character and the decision at the end has no emotional investment for the character or myself.

Which is another problem. I believe that one of the selling points of the story is making the main character harder to immediately identify with, and show what kind of life he would have, for the sake of an interesting character instead of an easily but too commonly-seen protagonist who all readers can agree with. However, if many readers don't want to read stories where the main character is rather repugnant (and I can't fault them), then I might as well be kicking them in the face right from the first chapter. And it's entirely possible that writing that kind of main character is just out of my skill level.

Still, if you can stomach this enough to post some thoughts, I can at least try to balance things better.

If experience shows though, I'll get worse before I get better.

[KLSymph]

Case in point, the next episode.

**********

As it turns out, Ranma's limp made it hurt to walk around, but no mere limp kept Ranma from grabbing the little punk's shoulder and pulling him face to face again.  "I asked you a question."

The boy slapped Ranma's hand off. "Go to hell," he said, right before he found Ranma's hand around his collar.

Ranma was too sore this morning to do anything as properly intimidating as lifting a person off the ground like he did a desk, so he settled for squeezing the collar together hard enough to cut into the soft sides of the boy's neck.

"I don't care what your problem is," he said.

Despite the situation, Ranma's face was calm.  Not so his victim's.

"But as it so happens, I have a bet going on whether I'll get into a fight today.  It's a lot of money, and I don't want to lose before walking four steps on school grounds. The thing is, I also don't want to win enough to let you blow me off."

The boy dropped his satchel, but even with both hands compared to Ranma's one, the pain of something digging into his neck denied him the coordination to pull free.

Ranma eased off when the boy began gasping, and glanced around.  Around him, the students coming to school were still occupied with their own affairs despite the situation. It looked like they were ignoring him on purpose.

That was strange, and while that was better than people gathering to watch, why tempt trouble?

Ranma let go, and clapped the boy on the shoulder when he staggered.  "Now, I hope you learned a useful lesson about not annoying random people.  I'll ask again.  Where's the opening ceremony?"

The boy's wide eyes showed a healthier respect for Ranma. Ranma's slight frown and curled hand on his shoulder crushed any thoughts of fleeing or calling for help.

"Stop it!  That's enough!"

But apparently the boy didn't need to.

A hand was now holding Ranma's wrist.  Ranma saw that it was a girl's, and it was laughably trying to make him let go of the boy's shoulder by pulling his wrist away.  Ranma's grip stayed right where it was.

The girl's hand was attached to a white sleeve, white sleeve to a small girl with pigtails.  Why a girl chose to step in puzzled him.  Out of all these people, only her?

Ranma looked around again.  Now that three people were in the confrontation, he was picking up more interest.  More interest was bad.

He laid down his satchel and used his other hand to pried the girl off his wrist.  "Could you tell me where the opening ceremony is?"

"Let go of him first," said the girl.  Despite being smaller than both him and the boy, she had a bold presence, if only compared to the rest of the kids here.

Ranma turned toward her more fully, and she stepped back into what Ranma saw as a defensive stance.  He couldn't blame her for being ready to fight, after he himself turned to violence so quickly, but....

"If I do," said Ranma, "this guy'll bolt, and if I don't get an answer from you, I'll have to chase him down.  This way is better."

"For me," he said a second later.

"Will you let go of him if I answer?"

Ranma thought that question was odd--if she was so concerned about him hurting this guy, she should've called a teacher. "Depends.  Are you going to answer, or are you going to point me to a shed?"

"What makes you think I'd lie?"

"No reason, but I don't know you.  And drop the stance.  I'm not going to hit you."

Ranma was very willing to hit the boy though, and when the boy's shoulder tensed in his hand, Ranma reminded him by pressing down hard enough to force him onto one knee.

"I don't know you either," said the girl, who saw what Ranma was doing and didn't relax the slightest.  "What if you hurt him after I answer, just because he didn't answer you?"

Ranma looked around, almost hoping for some teacher to come and shout at him so that he'd have a straight answer.  Alas, Ranma spotted no teachers in the courtyard.  They must all be preparing for the ceremony already.

"Why would I bother?" said Ranma.  "I'll never get to the ceremony if I stopped to beat up everybody along the way."

By this point, the boy seemed to have had enough of wobbling on one knee. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you!"

Ranma looked down.  "Well, that's the first smart thing out of your mouth today."

But before the boy could blurt out an answer, the girl in front of him said, "Don't tell him!  You'll just prove he was right to be a bully!"

That made Ranma wonder, what was this girl's problem? Clearly she wasn't helping the idiot.  What's with this school that the first two people he met both wanted to get in his way?  He wasn't even stealing from them yet.

"Holding the high ground," he said to the girl, "works for important things, but it's just pointless agony if a guy want directions."

The boy stared up at the girl through the pain.  "Who asked for your opinion?"

That response put a glare on the girl's face.

But... Ranma could also see a small tear at the corner of her eye too.

Was she a crier?  She better not be a crier.  He didn't have time for a crier.

Ranma was torn between seeing the boy as ungrateful for not taking her advice and... uh, smart for not taking her advice.  Then he reflected on causing all this, and decided he was the wrong person to judge anybody else here.

"Look," he said, "could any of you just tell me where the stupid ceremony is, while I can do anything with that info? Because I can't run--"

The school bell rang.  Actually, it beeped, a long and electronically synthesized beep that left Ranma trailing into silence and the other students moving toward the school field.  Though it was now obvious where the opening ceremony was being held, the knowledge came too late for Ranma's benefit.

The urge to punch somebody raced through Ranma's body, but he crammed it and all memory of this incident way back into the corner of his brain where he kept the other stupid situations he wanted to forget about, like the time his friend tried to give him a shiro-loli harem.  Which didn't help his practice of not celebrating birthdays.

Ugh, why was he reminded of that?  Ranma began limping off, away from the still-kneeling boy and the girl who thought he was a bully.  Somebody said something, but Ranma was too busy scrubbing his brain clean.

Ranma took fifteen minutes to limp to the field, because in this school the courtyard was the face end and the field was the ass.  He arrived five minutes late, after everybody had already lined up according to their name or height or whatever order this school used.  Ranma didn't know, because the teachers yelled at him for coming late and told him to attach himself to the tail of a column like a dark blue boil.

His uniform got stares again.  Sure, he realized the military-style uniform was pricier than the business-style suits other boys wore.  Yeah, he had it tailored while everybody else had stock.  Fine, the dark blue--almost black--fabric and the silver-and-gold buttons were so much sharper and classier than the gray-shirt, brown-pants, green-tie monsters on the field.  And he didn't have an ugly school logo to spoil it.

Okay, but if the other students knew what his housing was like, they wouldn't envy his clothes so much.

"Good morning," said the principal over a microphone while Ranma was limping in.  "To the new students just joining us this year, welcome to Yukichi Fukuzawa Provincial Middle School."

The man look over the kids arrayed on the school field with the sun shining down.  None of them spoke or moved. Disturbance wasn't allowed when the principal gave a speech.

The principal made no impression on Ranma at all, and by the time introducing other members of the faculty was done, Ranma had started standing where his tardiness allotted him, discontent rising like lava through his throat.

"Now," said the principal, "this place is just a simple neighborhood school with none of the grandness of Mahora's main campus, but we are just as dedicated towards your education, and regardless of the usual talk you are no worse students than theirs."

Ranma felt himself start to grimace.  Not only did Konoe put him a year behind, but dropped him in a school so poor their principal had no shame talking this way?  He shouldn't have cut his hair for this place.

"Our school is ably equipped, our teachers well trained.  We expect the best from them and from you, our students."

For angels' sake, no wonder the kids were all in awe of his clothes.  They were probably poor and couldn't get into the better schools.

Too bad he couldn't ask about it, with how touchy these people were.  If he had an argument when he asked for directions, how could he ask something more personal?  It'd be less hassle to punch people for information.

No!  No, he had to resist that impulse.  With the money Konoe bet on him getting into a fight today, he could buy a working stove for the apartment.

Ranma resolved to just forget all of it.  When the speeches ended half an hour later--repeat, half an hour later, after six other people blathered on about working together, achieving high test scores, not stealing the school plaque, practicing abstinence... by then Ranma's mind had wandered to a happier place full of candy.  When the speeches ended, he limped back to the courtyard to find his classroom assignment on the bulletin boards that were now set up.

That distance took another fifteen minutes, and by the time he got there the boards had been kicked down and he had to ask a teacher to look it up from her binder while others chased the wrongdoers away.

Maybe those were there before with directions to the ceremony and got kicked down too?  Oh well.

When the teacher said that Ranma Saotome's homeroom was 2-C, he heard somebody stumble.  That girl from earlier was staring at him, and when he turned around to ask what she wanted, she turned and ran away.

The day all girls flee from his name was coming right on schedule.

Ranma limped to his homeroom, and when he got finally there the teacher marked him tardy.  Ranma sighed.

As an icebreaker, everyone stood and told the class his name, and then spent a minute talking about himself.

Ranma stood up.  "My name's Ranma.  I've been traveling since I was a kid, so I'm not from anywhere specific.  In this lifetime I have only one goal: to live forever."

The declaration met polite silence, with maybe two small smirks among the stares.  Wow, this was one humorless class.

"I also want to rule the world," he said anyway, because he had been using this introduction for years and wasn't changing it for these pricks, "but that's more of a stretch. My hobby is lying, but I also like gardening, and girls call me a pig because I always rate them on looks, so this is fair warning."

His judgmental gaze scathed over all the gray skirts in the room, and nobody responded.  That wasn't great; Ranma was ready for a crier this time and had hoped somebody would sniffle, and then he'd look even more an asshole, but the girls in the class looked merely disgusted.  That wasn't great, but it would keep them away and that's all he wanted.

"Well Mr. Saotome," said his new teacher.  "At least today you won't be swamped after school by girls who like your brilliant personality.  Since nobody has been assigned to the end-of-day cleanup yet, I'll give that to you.  That'll keep you out of trouble with the ladies."

Ranma ignored the snickers and looked at the man.  "When I rule the world," he said, then stopped.

When he ruled the world, this teacher and this class and this entire city would be first on the chopping block, but why should he deprive people of peaceful illusions?  No, that'd be cruel.

"You know what?" he said.  "When I rule the world, I won't remember you anyway.  Forget it."

And besides, Old Man Konoe wanted him to avoid a fight in school today, and backed that challenge with fifty thousand yen, which Ranma needed to furnish his new basement.  Since he already skidded off the curve by almost fighting this morning, he couldn't afford to mouth off on his teacher just for kicks... at least until the end of the first day.

Ranma sat down and school continued.  Yeah, shutting up and not pissing people off would be the plan.  That plan went well with the aura of unapproachability his introduction created, and Ranma stayed un-bothered through the morning as teachers cycled in and out of the room each new class period.

His morning classes were all humanities: world history, English and Japanese language, things like that.  They were all subjects that Ranma wanted to forget as soon as he learned, and he spent the break between classes filling the homework sheets with no thought of correctness so that he wouldn't have to take them or his books home.

Lunchtime came, and Ranma decided the food at this school was awful, as did the boys from his class who were sitting at the same long table in the crowded cafeteria, complaining that this year's selection was worse than the last's.  Ranma didn't care about selection, but the bowl of white noodles in front of him tasted bitter, and Ranma sloshed some onto the table as he stirred his bowl to even the flavor out.

"You guys, you gotta help me!"

Ranma looked over to where another of his classmates, a boy, was stumbling to the table.  "What's the problem?" he said since he was closest.

"There's some third-year kids going around trashing rooms. They're coming here too!"

Ranma looked around to see the response of the other kids at the table.  They had looked up too, but no one seemed concerned, so it must be a common problem.  "Trashing rooms," he said after turning back to the boy, "like what? Pushing desks around?"  Ranma recognized the wrinkles of a grabbing on the boy's jacket.  Seems he wasn't the only one doing that today.  "Shoving?"

Another kid from Ranma's class started talking as he ate. "Look, you're new here right?  Stuff like that happens a lot.  Just stay out of their way."

The boy stared.  "But that's wrong!  Shouldn't we do something?"  The boy looked at all of them, then at Ranma.

Ranma thought about it, but if bullies were too petty a problem even for the other guys in his class, he certainly wasn't going to make trouble for himself by getting involved and risking needed money, and besides he had the limp.

Dealing with problems at a school was the job of the teachers, so Ranma shrugged like the others.

"Don't worry about it," said the kid who was eating. "There're guys who take of creeps like them.  What you need to do is keep your head down."

"Then I'll go get a teacher," said the boy, showing he did think of that after all.  The boy turned, but the kid who was eating turned and grabbed his jacket.

"Don't do it," the kid said, and this time his voice was harder.  "The teachers aren't gonna help you and you're gonna get us in way worse trouble if you go to them.  There are other people who handle this.  Just sit here until everything blows over."

All the veterans of the school nodded, but Ranma frowned. If the teachers weren't handling problem kids, then students are deal with it?  That's vigilantism, and while he was all for that, wasn't this school big on rules?

He didn't get to protest.

A third-year with a wrinkled uniform walked across the lunchroom towards the table and Ranma saw that boy point at him.  "Is he the one," the third-year asked a similarly dingy group some distance away, "you're looking for?"

From the twitch on the first boy's face as he backed away, Ranma figured this must be the group he was talking about, and his eyes narrowed as the group approached him while spreading out and hemming him in.

From what he could see, their uniforms were messy not because they had been roughed up like his classmate, but because none of them had ever heard of an ironing board.

When Ranma saw the guy who he roughed up this morning among them, realization flashed in his mind.

Ah, grudges.

Ranma decided that boy would representative of this group, and on a corkboard in the hallway of his mind, he pinned a picture of the boy's most distinctive feature, and scrawled the label "Wrinkles" under it.

Ranma thought Wrinkles would be too wimpy to try anything, but it looks like the school wasn't that spiritless.  Even though he figured people were too apathetic to help each other out, some seemed to band together if only to avenge each other, and this sort of confrontation must happen often, because although everybody else at the table started fidgeting as if they wanted to bolt, they all stayed in their seats.

The boy from his class tried to get past the wall of upperclassmen, but he couldn't sneak through and had to sit down.  His movement wasn't spared a glance by the upperclassmen, who were all focused on Ranma.

Outwardly, Ranma continued to sit there eating lunch as if nothing was wrong, but inwardly he groaned.  He'd have a big problem if this group started a fight, since he couldn't fight here without losing Konoe's bet.  Should he run away despite his limp?  Should he call for adult help despite what the other boys in his class said and even though doing so was really pathetic?

Ranma glanced around for a teacher.

Teachers had a lounge for meals, so they wouldn't eat in the lunchroom with the students and because of that the only teachers around were....

...talking in the hallway, quite a distance and with an open double door separating them from the room.

Ranma sighed with his chin on one hand, and flicked away a small piece of noodle from the tabletop with the other as the third-years approached.

The guy from this morning nodded when he identified Ranma's clothing, and the larger first kid dragged Ranma to his feet.

Around him, other students stared but the noise in the lunchroom didn't abate, as if this was a perfectly normal show.

Ranma's face contorted from the pain of tender bruises under his shirt, but he said "Hi" as if being dragged to his feet was a perfectly normal greeting.  After all, there wasn't all that much wrong with it.  He used it often.

"What's the matter?" said Wrinkles from his place standing behind the others.  "You're not so tough now?"

Hah.  If they thought he was being gutless, then the students here must be easily frightened.  Ranma smiled instead, while putting a hand on his side to keep the pain down.  "Why should I act tough?  I told you I didn't want any problems."

Wrinkles glared, and asked, "You mean you piss off the wrong people, but you don't want problems?

Ranma shrugged.  "Not today anyway.  Ask me tomorrow."

"Not a smart answer."

Wrinkles nodded to the rest of the guys with him, and they stepped closer to Ranma in a childish kind of intimidation. Ranma felt insulted.  Intimidation needed credibility--for example, Ranma would've hurt his target first, then threatened.  Didn't Wrinkles learn anything from this morning?

"I don't know how it felt to have a girl protect you," Ranma said without acknowledging their gesture.  "Did pushing people in my class around make you feel better?"

A wave of muttering spread audience at this information, and the rest of the group glanced at the guy with dark annoyance for staining their tough and manly reputation.

These idiots were so easy to read.

Wrinkles's glare became harder and he began to say stupid things.  "Maybe it did.  I think I should do it more."

Ranma's smile widened.  "I don't think the teachers would like that."

At Ranma's threat to involve the adults, many regular students nearby stiffened, but the boys confronting him didn't look bothered so that didn't work.  He didn't think he'd escape trouble just by mentioning the teachers anyway.

At least he could tell Konoe he tried.

Wrinkles laughed and stepped closer, into Ranma's punching range.  "You think they'll notice?  That's the stupidity of you new kids.  Dressing up nice and depending on the adults, like that's gonna help in this place.  But when you do that stuff like this happens."

He reached around, picked up Ranma's bowl, and dumped it onto the front of Ranma's jacket.

**********

There would be options here, but I don't think I should subject Soulriders to AA mechanics.

The important reader questions are still the same: does anything seem unnatural, and do you want to keep reading? I guess I can be more specific in asking, where exactly do you lose interest, and why?

[Edward]

I want people to help me write better, not make me feel nice. Go for it.

Gotcha.  Let me start by mentioning your theory post on story premise.  The first two points you gave are:

A story has a story question.
      A story begins when the question is dramatically posed.

Based on that I don't feel the story has begun yet, since I haven't seen a story question in your first chapter.

I felt the start of this chapter was stronger than the end. ... and the decision at the end has no emotional investment for the character or myself.

This is understandable, and as much as I don't really like to do so, I have to chalk this up to a limitation of the Addventure's structure. Ideally the "chapter" should end halfway through or keep going to more dramatic chapter cut-off, but if I believe the story won't be as well received with shorter length (for one thing, it sets up a misleading expectation for the length and complexity of future episodes), while a longer episode length than 20k isn't very appropriate for the Addventure. In addition, I usually end Addventure episodes with a decision (even one that's not especially dramatic), because that is probably the best consistent way to break episodes. The most popular alternatives on the AA are the "and now something happens" and the "let's switch to another scene" breaks, which are plain awful for thread continuity.

I would recommend go shorter or longer.  An intro is often shorter than a full chapter and it may sucker the denizens of AA into reading more.  Or if it takes longer, there should be a payoff in a more substantive decision.

Of course, putting this in context, your ending decision is vastly better than 99.9% of all Addventure episodes.  But I thought the most popular alternatives on AA were 'Which female character(s) should I turn into mindless furry sextoys?' and 'Which unrelated series shall I pointlessly add to the existing mess?'.

Throughout this chapter the emotions of the characters did not match the emotions I expected them to have.

This is also understandable, and something I'm really struggling to balance. On the one hand, if the characters don't act similar to canon, readers won't identify with them. On the other hand, the AA is buried under cliche canon-based characterization and I'm not interested in following that wagon.

I disagree.  The AA is buried under cliché fanon-based caricature-ization.  More canon-based characterization would be a vast improvement.

As to changing the character – some change is good, too much destroys suspension of disbelief.  And off-camera changes are harder for readers to suspend their disbelief on than on-camera changes.

For example, a story that started with Ranma being depressed and despairing, ready to break down into tears and flee would usually leave readers feeling 'That's not Ranma' instead of 'What happened to Ranma?'  OTOH, a story where Ranma is taken step-by-step to the brink of despair – like Rumiko Takahashi did in the Weakness Moxibustion – can be very credible.

Your Ranma is more different than what Ranma becomes, albeit briefly, in the Weakness Moxibustion story.  And your changes happen completely off-screen.

For the sake of something unfamiliar, I heavy revised the backstory of every character away from canon and constructed a plot which I think would lead to new and interesting interactions, but that necessarily alienates people who want to or expect to read interactions closer to canon. The best I can do is make the emotions and actions consistent with the new backstories, but because the story is as much about discovering the backstories as anything, that means that the backstories are going to be shrouded for quite some time, which doesn't help the alienation one bit. And of course I can't guarantee I'm successful in writing consistently anyway.

The greater the changes from the original series, the less likely the reader is to identify with the characters and the less credible the series will be.  Changing all the character's backstories is less credible than changing one character's backstory – unless all those changes came as the result of one changed event.

For example, if Batman was willing to kill criminals, and Commissioner Gordon is secretly a serial killer who doesn't remember his own actions, and Barbara Gordon chose to emulate Catwoman instead of Batman, and Dick Grayson is nothing but a circus acrobat, and the Joker is an amusing prankster who would never hurt anyone, and the Penguin is a timid uber-hacker who dresses casually.  In this case, most readers will not find these characters interesting, because they don't understand or identify with any of the characters.  Nor can they be surprised by the interactions between any of these characters because they no longer know what to expect about any of them.

Sorry, no.  I did not identify with the main character and the decision at the end has no emotional investment for the character or myself.

Which is another problem. I believe that one of the selling points of the story is making the main character harder to immediately identify with, and show what kind of life he would have, for the sake of an interesting character instead of an easily but too commonly-seen protagonist who all readers can agree with. However, if many readers don't want to read stories where the main character is rather repugnant (and I can't fault them), then I might as well be kicking them in the face right from the first chapter.

I have never been a fan of the idea that a character with more negative traits is inherently more interesting.  I don't believe that villains are more interesting than anti-heroes who are more interesting than heroes.  And if you find your main character repugnant, then that implies not even you find the character interesting.

A highly successful comic book author says that you need to answer three questions for your characters - What's my character want?  What do I like about them? What do I dislike about them?

So lets apply these points to your version of Ranma:

What does this Ranma want?  Frankly, I have no idea.  He appears directionless other than a stated, but in no way acted on, desire to put training above all else.  And that's not an interesting direction.

What do I like about this Ranma?  Actually, nothing.  I don't see any positive traits in this Ranma.  One is asserted, his 'integrity' but I don't see this Ranma as having any kind of integrity based on my understanding of the word.

What do I dislike about this Ranma?  Quite a bit, actually.  He's got a large number of negative traits, yet at the same time he seems to be missing the negative traits that Ranma had in the original series.

Now to the detailed C&C.  Again, apologies for my bluntness, it's intended for clarity.

The first thing Ranma Saotome heard was his dad Genma agreeing to put him in school.

You yourself have said "Because the average reader only gives a story a small grace period before deciding whether to continue it, the first sentence should grab her attention immediately."

There's nothing in your opening sentence to grab the reader.

The second was a hardcover's bang on meeting Genma's face, a bang that brought the guards outside running into the office.

1) If the book hit Genma's face, Ranma must be facing him, which seems odd.  Wouldn't they both be facing Konoe?
2) When did Konoe's office start having guards outside?  Any why?
3) Why is Ranma more upset about going to school than he ever was in canon?
4) Why is Ranma more upset about going to school than he was about getting a girl curse in canon?
5) How old is Ranma?  Negima focuses on the Mahora middle school, but the school caters to a wide range of ages.
6) When is this set?  If we strictly follow the decades the two series are set in, then Ranma is about the same age as Takamichi-sensei - leaving the options of Ranma is coming to Mahora as an adult teacher or most of the regular Negima cast being in diapers.  If you are shifting one or more series in time, then we need some clue on how they link up, and the sooner we get that clue the better.

The last two points could be delayed if this was elements of Negima dropping into Nerima, but I think they should be brought forward as soon as possible to help readers wrap their brains around this setting.

Modified, this would make a better first sentence than your actual first sentence.  Then again, the main question this asks is 'Why does the Principal's office have guards?"  And if the main question in this story is 'What has happened to Mahora Academy?', then why is Ranma in this story, let alone the POV character? 

Old Man Konoe waved them out again, while Genma Saotome lay on the floor sweating and slightly bruised.

1) Why is Genma sweating?  It's not hot and the only people he's ever been afraid of are Happosai and Nodoka, his wife.  If he were afraid of Ranma because he's more powerful (a massive divergence), then he wouldn't act directly against Ranma unless Ranma was distracted or weakened.  If Genma's afraid of Ranma because Ranma has some sort of hold on him (another massive divergence) Genma would be avoiding him.  And since Genma has what amounts to an invisibility technique and is in good enough shape to cross 1000 miles of mountains and oceans in 2 weeks, he should be able to escape.
2) How did someone as tough as Genma get knocked down by such a puny attack?
3) Why isn't this leading to an immediate counterattack by Genma as the start of an intense sparring session?
4) Why doesn't Konoe care about any of this?  Even if he loathes Genma, I'd expect him to care about tantrums in his office or at least his books getting destroyed, especially if (as you imply later) Mahora is having financial difficulties.

We're only three sentences in and you're already losing me.

His dad was already babbling, looking back and forth between Ranma across the room and Konoe behind the desk, but there was no comfort from either.

1) If Konoe is not willing to support Genma then why hasn't he kicked Genma and Ranma out?
2) If Konoe and Ranma both feel this way about Genma why then is he still here, let alone continuing to try to make Ranma do something he doesn't want?

"Why?" said Ranma again.  "You know damn well I'm training. I don't have time for school."

So Ranma:
1) Is calling the shots in the Saotome family?
2) Considers his training more important than Genma does?
3) By implication believes he has no time for anything but training?
4) Isn't clever enough to turn ordinary events into training?

Afraid you've completely lost me.

"Boy, you heard what Konoe said!  He'll even help you!  It's a gift you don't normally get!"

Ranma hadn't heard.  The two men's debate had been so stodgy that he dozed off.  They hadn't even been talking about him, just how quickly and bluntly to shove the Saotomes out of Mahora, and his dad wouldn't cave to Konoe's schooling demands even if the topic came up.

1) So Genma is lying when he says Konoe has offered to help Ranma?
2) How can Konoe be trying to shove the Saotome's out of Mahora when they aren't in in the first place?
3) Based on the fic so far the only one making demands on schooling is Genma, with Konoe opposing.  Yet before Ranma's nap, Konoe was making schooling demands and Genma was resisting?  What happened to make Konoe and Genma trade positions in such a short time?
4) How can Ranma be so opposed to attending school and simultaneously care so little about it he goes to sleep when the topic is discussed?
5) How did Ranma know enough to throw the book if he was asleep?
6) I don't think 'stodgy' is the right word.

Ranma obviously figured Genma wrong.  Then again, he had no excuse for thinking Genma was dependable after a decade on the road with the man.  If Genma hadn't supported him for so long, he'd have kicked his dad to the curb years ago.

These thoughts seem to clash with the Ranma-Genma relationship and of Ranma's thought processes that Rumiko Takahashi portrayed.  Some of my difficulty is these are coming across to me as exactly the way Anime Addiction portrays Ranma's feelings and relationship towards Genma with even mentioning one of AA's weak excuses for the change.

For the Ranma of the original series to become the Ranma of this fic is going to require a dramatic and well-explained change.  So far, you haven't even hinted at an explanation, so this feels like a Ranma-shaped entity.

Meanwhile, Genma is coming across as fanon Genma.  The original version was a very flawed individual, yet he had good points and was one of the most powerful martial artists in the setting.

"What kind of gift," Ranma asked, "should I need to learn the martial arts you're teaching me yourself?

This is very awkward phrasing.  I suggest read reading Ranma's sentence out loud to yourself.

Also, when did anyone say Konoe would be personally teaching Ranma or that he would teaching him martial arts?

Sure, Ranma was only fifteen, and should've been subject to compulsory education through his last year of middle school, but hearing his dad appeal to the law was like hearing his dad sing karaoke.

Okay, you've finally established Ranma's age, if not how this meshes with the Negima timeline.  I suggest bringing this farther forward in the chapter.

Genma has no answer to the disgust on Ranma's face, and Old Man Konoe barged into the conversation before Ranma remembered the brick-shaped Ryuunosuke Akutagawa anthology in his hand and put it to rightful use.

'Genma _had_ no answer....'

How can Konoe be barging into the conversation when he was part of it before Ranma butted in?

And bricks are notably smaller than your average hardcover anthology, which I don't think is what you wanted to imply.  Though it does explain why Konoe doesn't react to getting hit for barging in.

Even though Konoemon Konoe was the old and accomplished headmaster of Mahora's city of schools, he wasn't someone Ranma respected even on generous days.  Maybe it was the age difference.  Maybe it was how Konoe watched over him like a doddering grandfather.  Maybe it was the large shriveled head.

A Ranma that despises people merely because they are old?  Or because of their appearance?  That's not a very pleasant person, nothing like the original Ranma, and actively counter-productive in most martial arts settings.

How can something be large and shriveled?

"But you'll have a regular place to live," said Genma from the floor.

Wait, Ranma hit Genma because Konoe barged into the conversation?

"I'm not trying to pull you into anything!"  Genma's face changed from sweaty panic to quivering shame.

Shame?   Genma?

"I agreed to this because you've gotten out of control!"

The only reply Ranma had was, "What?"

But the question wasn't from confusion, and surprise wasn't in it either.  It was a low and dangerous demand for explanation.

Buwhat?   The fact Ranma can make a one word low and dangerous demand of any kind strongly implies that he is out of control and the rest of his and Genma's behavior clearly shows that, so how can Ranma be asking this?

"When Konoe contacted me, I agreed because of that.  I didn't bring you here by coincidence."

What?  If Genma and Konoe agreed before the Saotomes came to Mahora, then what were they arguing about and why has Konoe been giving Genma less-than-zero support?

"I don't know what's gotten into you," said Genma, "but you've changed so much from the playful boy you've always been.  Now you're too serious, dead fixated on whatever's in front of you, always having massive shifts in mood, and you just disregard all the normal morality that I try to teach you."

I think this needs to be the first sentence of the fic.  It's more dramatic and it reduces the reader's suspension of disbelief.

Ranma's mood had turned in the last minute from fire to ice, but both burned equally hard.  "So what?  You couldn't handle the pressure so you dump it on somebody else?  That's like you."

Since when is admitting Genma has failed (as both Genma and Ranma have done) and seeking help dumping the problem on someone else?  It's more responsible than I recall Genma usually being in the manga and he appears to be genuinely risking his safety to help a complete ingrate.

Ranma paused, amazed that Genma dared invoke Ranma's own integrity.  But as daring as it was, his dad knew that it was effective.  He had made that promise.

Ranma truly had that integrity, why wouldn't he have accepted his father's directives earlier in this fic?  Why does he now start obeying Genma, I don't understand what has changed.

"The old man didn't think much of Genma's child-raising habits.

Well, Genma sure seems to be doing a worse job than he did in the original series.

Ranma stalked across the room with the book in hand, toward Konoe as the old man sat behind his desk.

When did Ranma pick up a third book?

Ranma hurled Akutagawa at Genma, but the book rebounded off Konoe's picture window when Genma ducked.  "And the ass-kicking I'll give you didn't factor into that choice? You said you'd train me!  Now you're passing me off!"

Finally, a tiny hint of Genma's martial arts ability.  How did this Genma end up so less skilled in everything than he was in the original series?

And Ranma's statement makes no sense.  If Ranma truly is powerful enough to kick Genma's ass, then Genma has nothing left to train Ranma in and it would make sense to any competent martial artist that Genma hand Ranma off to someone who can train him.

Ranma had to bite back his curses.  He couldn't throw away his own integrity, no matter how much a hypocrite Genma was.

So far Ranma, not Genma, is impressing me as hypocritical and I'm not seeing Ranma's 'integrity'.

The guards outside looked back in at another sound of something being thrown, and when Ranma didn't stop Genma's exit, they lead Genma out the same way they brought him in earlier.

Genma was too nervous to look Ranma in the eye again.  "You better have the boy's attitude changed by the time I get him back," he said to Konoe as he left.

How can Genma be talking to Konoe after he has left the room and been escorted off the premises?

"Your father," said Konoe after the door shut and the office was quiet, "was bothered by how your personality has developed--"

"You think I'm stupid?  You think I don't see he was bothered?"

"--from living with him for so long.  He hoped you'd calm down a little with normal social contact."

This does not make sense.  Ranma lived with Genma even longer in the original series and the original Ranma was notably more mature and socially well-adjusted than this Ranma, so the fact that this Ranma is an unforgiving, ill-tempered, anti-social, obsessive brat with a hair-trigger temper *cannot* be from his spending time around Genma.

Konoe raised his hands in apology.

Wait.

*Konoe* is apologizing to *Ranma*?

The only person Konoe should be apologizing to is Genma, for his cowardly failure to support Genma after *they* agreed to put Ranma in school.

Ranma weighed that option with the calming possibility of breaking a few nearby objects, but the stuff in Konoe's office wasn't very valuable anyway.

So this Ranma is petty and spiteful, too?  Just when I though I couldn't like him any less.

"Who cares if you're doing the right thing?" he replied to Konoe's previous statement as if there had been no break in conversation.  "I got a million reasons why I don't want school besides learning martial arts from Pops, but since you don't give a shit about my opinion anyway, what good is it to explain them?  I already said I'll follow through."

This Ranma's a whiney bitch, isn't he?

And based on tenses, this should be 'said _I'd_ follow through'.  After all, you later establish that Ranma cares about language skills and scored perfectly on them without cheating, so his spoken word need to be perfect.

Ranma crossed his arms.  "If I'm stooping down to this, I'll skip as much school as I can instead of being bored at lower grade levels.  Do your worst."

So now he's sulking after the extended tantrum.  By now the only things I want to see happen to this Ranma are fail miserably and die.  He has no direction, no positive points, and his negative points aren't interesting.

He had another problem.  "Hold on.  You're tossing me into this just like that?  Last I heard, people who take entrance exams get to study for them.  For weeks, even.  I don't think a day or two is out of the question here."

Wait, wait, wait?  A Ranma that doesn't like a challenge?

Ranma could feel frustration appearing on his face, even though he hated giving Konoe the satisfaction.

Why would Ranma think Konoe would be satisfied that Ranma is frustrated?  If Konoe showed any signs of it, he would have passed into self-satisfied smugness long before Genma left.

"Hey, I'm not the one in a hurry here.  I'm not scared of being a little different, but you're the one who made this deal with Pops without letting me know about it, and if my scores are worse because I don't get ready, even though all other kids do, that's just as big a disadvantage."

That's just as big a disadvantage as what?

Konoe gave Ranma the hour, Ranma took the test, and he found it the biggest waste of a Saturday evening that didn't involve a shovel.

A shovel?  I'm thinking this was supposed to be humorous, instead I find it just odd.

v  Konoe narrowed his eyes.  "How did you get perfect scores?"

"Cheating."

I keep looking at this, trying to find any reason Ranma would say this.  I keep failing.

It is more negatives trait though, this Ranma is clearly untrustworthy and/or cruel.

In the silence that followed, Takamichi frowned at Ranma, and Ranma felt compelled to qualify his statement.  "Well, not all of it, just the parts I'm not good at.  Never cared much for history or cultural studies."

This implies that Ranma is good at and cares about mathematics, science, and Japanese and English language studies.  Which leaves readers expecting Ranma to consistently demonstrate this mastery in the fic and for there to be an explanation for Ranma being so interested in things he was indifferent about in the original series.

It also does not seem to fit Ranma's obsessive focus on training in this fic.  History and cultural studies could lead him to techniques, teachers, and cultures that will help him train better.  He's not going to get that from mastering mathematics, science, and the Japanese and English languages.

This also implies Ranma has a superb memory since he was able ace the tests he didn't cheat on.  This meshes poorly with how well he remembered Ryouga in that character's intro.  Still, readers will be expecting Ranma to continue to show this superb memory throughout this fic.

Konoe dropped the papers on his desk and began to rub his brow.  "How can you cheat," he said in the voice of a man halfway into his grave, "when you said you'll do your best?"

Konoe sure seems a lot less emotionally resilient than I remember him.  And based on his actions there is no way he can ever help Ranma with the issues that made Genma leave him at Mahora, and he lacks even that appeal to 'integrity' that Genma had as an ineffective way to moderate Ranma's behavior.

"What?  I did do my best.  Perfect scores after an hour of study sounds as best as you can get."

This would be humorous if Ranma had been portrayed positively and Konoe as someone who deserved it.  If these were original Ranma versus Principal Kuno I'd be laughing, but this doesn't work with the characters in this fic.

Ranma found the man competent.

That's the most complimentary assessment Ranma has made of anyone so far.  We'll expect him to hold to it unless Takamichi does something to prove himself incompetent.

"His studying was only asking for the books, and asking having me remind him of the time so he'd remember to pace his subjects right.

Recommend changing 'asking having' to 'asking'.

"Well, I didn't look at them.  He yelled at me to not get in the way whenever I got close."

The other characters are incredibly tolerant of Ranma's tantrums in this fic.

Ranma grunted as he finished his own meal.

Suggest dropping 'own'.

He didn't like distractions.  That was one of his dad's complaints against him, the part about fixating.

1) How is Takamichi looking at discarded notes in any way distracting to Ranma?
2) Someone who can't handle petty distractions should be regularly getting their butt kicked in martial arts, especially against someone as devious as Genma.

Since we can't get a reliable score for you, in order to ensure you get the right amount of education, I've decided to put you in middle school second year."

In that case wouldn't it make sense to put Ranma in as low a grade as possible?

How long ago?  Ranma couldn't remember easily.  Genma told him he was fifteen years old, but without celebrating birthdays and New Years, that figure and the concept of years itself lacked meaning.

1) This does not mesh with the superb memory Ranma showed on the parts of the test he didn't cheat on.
2) Considering the attention the Japanese put on New Years, how could Ranma possibly fail to notice it?

Seasons passed, but with only that clue, his unaided memory had just a weak grasp that he met Old Man Konoe three summers ago.

'that he _had_ met'

Three lifetimes ago.  Of course he changed.

'he _had_ changed'

And Ranma's far too young to be comparing years to lifetimes.

Revenge wasn't enjoyable enough to contemplate, so Ranma focused on the present.

Since Ranma contemplated revenge against both Genma and Konoe during his extended tantrum in the first scene and clearly enjoyed those contemplations, this makes no sense to me.

Ranma scanned his choices of suits, and said, "I'll take the most expensive one."

He didn't choose that uniform to annoy Konoe, however much the old man believed so at the time.  This uniform was fine. It matched Ranma's sense of fashion.

1) Merely picking the most expensive is not showing a sense of fashion.
2) This Ranma's sense of fashion does not match original Ranma's sense of fashion.

Okay, he was lying, his last place wasn't very high-risen and definitely wasn't in front of a sea, but a basement in the tenement district?

I'm fairly sure that should not be a question.

That confused Konoe.  The old man was troubled that Ranma could so easily surrender a defining piece of himself.  It was beneath him.

Contrasting this with canon Ranma's reaction to Principal Kuno's haircut ideas reinforces my feeling about the character.

Ranma was standing on a cliff-top, peering deep into Crap Canyon.  Yet even as discontent burned inside Ranma, he could pretend to accept that.

But not long.

So Ranma was lying to himself at the start of this scene when he decided to let it go and not to contemplate revenge?

"Pretending's hard," Ranma said to no one as he limped down the street toward his new school.  That teacher Takamichi had a mean tackle, one that not only stopped Ranma from throwing Konoe desk out the window, but still hurt two days later.

'throwing _Konoe's_ desk'

1) If Takamichi is strong enough to *accidentally* hurt Ranma worse than Ryouga ever did in the original series, why isn't Ranma smart enough to try to set up sparring with him?
2) This means that Takamichi is vastly stronger than the canon version and/or Ranma is vastly weaker than the canon version.

When Ranma limped to the school's front gate, the sight of paint scraped around a missing school plaque left him unimpressed.  Looking at the rusted gate would've killed anybody's motivation, but luckily he wasn't here to perform well.

That's odd.  Why are parts of Mahora Academy, especially more visible parts like this derelict while most of it is in good condition?  If there are problems, the less important parts should suffer first and Ranma should be commenting on how dingy and worn-down the place looked long before now.  And why was there even an expensive option on the uniform if Mahora is tight on funds?

Even though the opening ceremony was first agenda for every student,

'was first _on the_ agenda'

He was already almost late because walking to school took over an hour instead of under fifteen minutes,

The difference between Ranma's normal walking speed and his limping speed is too extreme.  Have you ever had a foot or leg injury?

Konoe said that the staff here was strict about rules, and if he was late, the staff would get angry.

That should be  'Konoe _had_ said' 'staff here _were_ strict' and 'if he _were_ late'

And since Ranma hasn't cared at all if his actions would make anyone angry, why is he caring about that now?

The boys sneered at him.

'boy' since it's been singular in all the previous sentences.

Ranma had puzzle over that for a second, but he couldn't think of any witty response because he didn't know what that even meant.  "Ask my what?"

Wait, Ranma doesn't know what a butler is?  What happened to his interest and skill in the Japanese language since the last scene?

And why is Ranma so even-tempered with this boy who is treating him far worse than Konoe or Genma did?

Ranma stared at the boy, whose own uniform was so badly wrinkled that Ranma wondered if he had confused a dry cleaner with a trash compactor.

Ranma knows what a dry cleaner and a trash compacter are, but not what a butler is?

Konoe wanted Ranma to be socially accepted by the students of this school through being nice.  Konoe also wanted Ranma to be socially accepted by the staff of this school through doing what they wanted, and they wanted him on time.  In a blink, Ranma weighed being accepted as a peer with being accepted as a student.

1) The reader has no emotional investment in this decision.
2) The character has no emotional investment in this decision.
3) This decision seems unrelated to the events preceding it in the scene.

[KLSymph]

Gotcha.  Let me start by mentioning your theory post on story premise.

Using my words against me! Very nice.

The first two points you gave are:

A story has a story question.
      A story begins when the question is dramatically posed.

Based on that I don't feel the story has begun yet, since I haven't seen a story question in your first chapter.

Actually, the basis of the question has already been dramatically posed by the sixth paragraph:

"Why?" said Ranma again.  "You know damn well I'm training.
I don't have time for school."

Huh? Where is the question here? The truth is that the question is "dramatically posed", not "clearly stated in question form". The reasoning to get it into question form is this: start with the character goal, then ask does the character attain that goal?

In this case, the idea goes: What is Ranma's goal? By the sixth paragraph we know that Ranma doesn't want to go to school, therefore his goal is simply to not be placed in school (your wording may differ). The scene question is "does Ranma succeed in not be placed in school?"

That's the scene question, and not the story question, of course. At the end of the scene, we find that Ranma fails this scene goal (note that the scene ends exactly where it becomes clear Ranma has failed, not at the end of the chapter). The story question must be inferred from the results of the first scene. Ranma has to go to school, and the reason Genma and Konoe put him there is to... let's call it to normalize him. The inferred question, which is the story question, is "does Ranma normalize?"

Yes, the reader has to jump some logic loops to see it in that question form, but that's expected. Otherwise everybody would already know that stories need story questions and I wouldn't have posted that theory in the first place. Of course, readers may come to a different inference; that's why a lot of stories seem to have different points to different readers. What's important is that the story question is posed, that the question runs underneath the story, and that the end of the story answers it.

I would recommend go shorter or longer.  An intro is often shorter than a full chapter and it may sucker the denizens of AA into reading more.  Or if it takes longer, there should be a payoff in a more substantive decision.

I have to disagree with that. First, my "intro" would be my first scene, which is not the entire episode (the first episode has three scenes plus the beginning of the fourth). Second, from observering how people read the AA, I don't see length as a selling point to more reading in either direction. Shortness just improves the comments-to-material ratio, since if you chop things into shorter episodes the readers will post to each episode, and I'm not that hungry for comments. Third, if the story question is "does Ranma normalize?", then ending the episode on the decision "how does Ranma react to the first normal person who gets on his nerves" is pretty substantial from the story perspective, even if Ranma doesn't seem to care.

Of course, putting this in context, your ending decision is vastly better than 99.9% of all Addventure episodes.  But I thought the most popular alternatives on AA were 'Which female character(s) should I turn into mindless furry sextoys?' and 'Which unrelated series shall I pointlessly add to the existing mess?'.

I'm limiting that "popular alternatives" statement to stories that go somewhere. <_<

I disagree.  The AA is buried under cliché fanon-based caricature-ization.  More canon-based characterization would be a vast improvement.

True, but I want to do things different from that as well, so my statement still stands.

As to changing the character – some change is good, too much destroys suspension of disbelief.  And off-camera changes are harder for readers to suspend their disbelief on than on-camera changes. For example, a story that started with Ranma being depressed and despairing, ready to break down into tears and flee would usually leave readers feeling 'That's not Ranma' instead of 'What happened to Ranma?'  OTOH, a story where Ranma is taken step-by-step to the brink of despair – like Rumiko Takahashi did in the Weakness Moxibustion – can be very credible.

Your Ranma is more different than what Ranma becomes, albeit briefly, in the Weakness Moxibustion story.  And your changes happen completely off-screen.

Also true. However, if I put the changes on camera at the beginning of the story, then by the nature of storytelling the story becomes about those changes. I'm not interested in telling that story (until much later, if at all). In terms of suspension of disbelief, I have to appeal to "this is the premise", then write the story consistently with the premise. That is why in the comments on the AA, I posted the notice "It's a multiple-crossover, and the canon of every source has been greatly changed."

Of course, your criticism assumes that Ranma was "like canon", then changed into something new. As I said, I've greatly altered the character past, so Ranma was probably never "like canon" as much as the reader believes. I'm sure many readers would rather read a Ranma that was closer to canon, and there's the legitimate mindset that if I'm not going to base the character on canon I shouldn't make it a crossover in the first place, but I can't cater to that mindset in this story and I have to shrug and say, eh, I'm just trying to write an entertaining story.

The greater the changes from the original series, the less likely the reader is to identify with the characters and the less credible the series will be.  Changing all the character's backstories is less credible than changing one character's backstory – unless all those changes came as the result of one changed event.

Unfortunately, I'll just have to take that on the chin and bend all my efforts into making the story credible on its own merits. I'll probably not be as successful as somebody who takes the road more traveled, but then I'm writing this more for the practice than for popularity anyway. In terms of readers, I'm satisfied with the handful of people who stuck with the story over the years, and they seem to be okay with it. That's not much ambition, but oh well.

Also, the backstories do all cascade from one basic change... but since I can't tell you what that is, I couldn't convince you anyway.

I have never been a fan of the idea that a character with more negative traits is inherently more interesting.  I don't believe that villains are more interesting than anti-heroes who are more interesting than heroes.  And if you find your main character repugnant, then that implies not even you find the character interesting.

My main character is not based on the idea that more negative traits is inherently more interesting, but on the idea that he has very different traits because he has very different motivations and circumstances, which are interesting to discover. Also, I don't find my own main character repugnant (I was just talking about the expected audience reaction). I know where and why my character is worth of sympathy.

A highly successful comic book author says that you need to answer three questions for your characters - What's my character want?  What do I like about them? What do I dislike about them?

So lets apply these points to your version of Ranma:

What does this Ranma want?  Frankly, I have no idea.  He appears directionless other than a stated, but in no way acted on, desire to put training above all else.  And that's not an interesting direction.

Ranma's direction isn't to put training above all else. As you noted, he doesn't seem to act on that. Training is simply something that he wanted at the time of the scene. It is probably impossible for the reader to figure out what Ranma's actual direction is from the first episode or two, since you don't have enough evidence. Which makes sense if the story is about discovering it. You must see how Ranma acts in different situations before you can piece Ranma's motivations together. I only promise that I will write his motivations (which I do know) as consistently as possible.

What do I like about this Ranma?  Actually, nothing.  I don't see any positive traits in this Ranma.  One is asserted, his 'integrity' but I don't see this Ranma as having any kind of integrity based on my understanding of the word.

I think that's a little overstated. I'm sure I haven't given nearly enough clues so that the reader can infer the basic points of Ranma's sense of integrity, but don't you think promising to go to school, then actually going to school when he could easily have tried to skip it (despite how vehemently he initially didn't want to go) shows some sense of integrity? And that he tried to live up to the spirit of his promise by getting there on time and doing everything properly (enough that he bases his decisions on how best to follow Konoe's instructions)? It's not much, but it's something.

As for the lack of positive traits, yes. He doesn't seem to have any positive traits, but that's the premise of why he's in this story, because he seems to be so negative all the time.

What do I dislike about this Ranma?  Quite a bit, actually.  He's got a large number of negative traits, yet at the same time he seems to be missing the negative traits that Ranma had in the original series.

Which, again, is part of the point of the story. Discovering why Ranma is like this, by observing him in different situations.

You yourself have said "Because the average reader only gives a story a small grace period before deciding whether to continue it, the first sentence should grab her attention immediately."

There's nothing in your opening sentence to grab the reader.

I should point out that my statement simplifies things. The first sentence of a story should grab attention, but the first sentence must do more than that. It must also establish the contract with the reader, by which I mean it must establish what the story is about, the tone of the story, and various other things. On the other hand, it can't be a monster sentence that fulfills all these requirements. For this reason, there are many successful stories where the first sentence can't be devoted entirely to grabbing attention.  The shorter the story is, the more it would focus on grabbing the reader, but my story is long (hopefully). My first sentence establishes the premise and insertion into the setting, while promising conflict when viewed with the second sentence. It's probably not perfect, but I made sure it does its job.

My theory statement is meant to prevent writers from starting their story with dumb things like "It was a normal day in Nerima."

The second was a hardcover's bang on meeting Genma's face, a bang that brought the guards outside running into the office.

1) If the book hit Genma's face, Ranma must be facing him, which seems odd.  Wouldn't they both be facing Konoe?

Hmm. You're right. I'll have to change that.

2) When did Konoe's office start having guards outside?  Any why?

Because they led Ranma and Genma in to the room, just like they lead Genma out later. Also, to keep them inside in between. Specifically, Ranma, who both Genma and Konoe expect to disagree with what goes on in the room, possibly violently. The reader has to infer this himself.

3) Why is Ranma more upset about going to school than he ever was in canon?
4) Why is Ranma more upset about going to school than he was about getting a girl curse in canon?

Good question! No, I can't tell you. These are story questions which must be discovered. Remember what I said about if the question is immediately answered, the story is already over? That also applies in some amount to lesser questions.

5) How old is Ranma?  Negima focuses on the Mahora middle school, but the school caters to a wide range of ages.
6) When is this set?  If we strictly follow the decades the two series are set in, then Ranma is about the same age as Takamichi-sensei - leaving the options of Ranma is coming to Mahora as an adult teacher or most of the regular Negima cast being in diapers.  If you are shifting one or more series in time, then we need some clue on how they link up, and the sooner we get that clue the better.

The last two points could be delayed if this was elements of Negima dropping into Nerima, but I think they should be brought forward as soon as possible to help readers wrap their brains around this setting.

These questions are answered in the same episode. It would make no sense for the answer to appear here, since the scene is from Ranma's viewpoint and putting it here implies Ranma is pausing in the middle of the conflict to think to himself, "I'm x years old, etc."

Modified, this would make a better first sentence than your actual first sentence. Then again, the main question this asks is 'Why does the Principal's office have guards?"  And if the main question in this story is 'What has happened to Mahora Academy?', then why is Ranma in this story, let alone the POV character?

As I said above, this isn't the story question. In light of that, it would be wrong to start off the story with the second sentence instead of the first. Also, it violates continuity with the previous AA episode about waking up. Like I said, the first sentence has to do a lot of things.

Old Man Konoe waved them out again, while Genma Saotome lay on the floor sweating and slightly bruised.

1) Why is Genma sweating?  It's not hot and the only people he's ever been afraid of are Happosai and Nodoka, his wife.  If he were afraid of Ranma because he's more powerful (a massive divergence), then he wouldn't act directly against Ranma unless Ranma was distracted or weakened.  If Genma's afraid of Ranma because Ranma has some sort of hold on him (another massive divergence) Genma would be avoiding him.  And since Genma has what amounts to an invisibility technique and is in good enough shape to cross 1000 miles of mountains and oceans in 2 weeks, he should be able to escape.

Yes. So Genma must be afraid of Ranma for different reasons, or your analysis of his responses is flawed somewhere. We only know that Genma appears to think he's in a bad position.

2) How did someone as tough as Genma get knocked down by such a puny attack?

What other reasons might Genma be knocked down except by the sheer force of an attack?

3) Why isn't this leading to an immediate counterattack by Genma as the start of an intense sparring session?

How would Konoe and/or Konoe's guards react to that?

4) Why doesn't Konoe care about any of this?  Even if he loathes Genma, I'd expect him to care about tantrums in his office or at least his books getting destroyed, especially if (as you imply later) Mahora is having financial difficulties.

Why does not immediately butting in imply Konoe doesn't care?

We're only three sentences in and you're already losing me.

At least some part of that should be because this is in Ranma's POV, and there are many things Ranma would not deign to notice or think about, so it would be impossible for me to convey those things to the reader.

1) If Konoe is not willing to support Genma then why hasn't he kicked Genma and Ranma out?
2) If Konoe and Ranma both feel this way about Genma why then is he still here, let alone continuing to try to make Ranma do something he doesn't want?

The bigger question is, why is Konoe doing this in the first place? Since Ranma doesn't know it, the best I can tell you is that Konoe is being consistent with his own motivations. Are you ready to claim that there exists no possible motivation which would lead Konoe to act this way?

So Ranma:
1) Is calling the shots in the Saotome family?
2) Considers his training more important than Genma does?
3) By implication believes he has no time for anything but training?
4) Isn't clever enough to turn ordinary events into training?

Respectively: No, probably, less time and more interest, question of efficiency and what he hopes to learn.

1) So Genma is lying when he says Konoe has offered to help Ranma?
2) How can Konoe be trying to shove the Saotome's out of Mahora when they aren't in in the first place?
3) Based on the fic so far the only one making demands on schooling is Genma, with Konoe opposing.  Yet before Ranma's nap, Konoe was making schooling demands and Genma was resisting?  What happened to make Konoe and Genma trade positions in such a short time?
4) How can Ranma be so opposed to attending school and simultaneously care so little about it he goes to sleep when the topic is discussed?
5) How did Ranma know enough to throw the book if he was asleep?
6) I don't think 'stodgy' is the right word.

Respectively:
1. No. How do you figure?
2. If they're physically in Konoe's office, then they're in Mahora.
3. This is Ranma's misconception, because they set this up without Ranma knowing about it.
4. Genma didn't seem to be agreeing when Ranma dosed off. When Genma seemed to agree, Ranma woke up.
5. Dozing is light sleep. He could still hear things to some degree, and throwing the book was a knee-jerk reaction. If you accept that Ranma can fight people off during deep sleep, throwing a book during light sleep isn't much of a stretch.
6. stodgy 3: boring, dull. (merriam-webster)

These thoughts seem to clash with the Ranma-Genma relationship and of Ranma's thought processes that Rumiko Takahashi portrayed.  Some of my difficulty is these are coming across to me as exactly the way Anime Addiction portrays Ranma's feelings and relationship towards Genma with even mentioning one of AA's weak excuses for the change.

For the Ranma of the original series to become the Ranma of this fic is going to require a dramatic and well-explained change.  So far, you haven't even hinted at an explanation, so this feels like a Ranma-shaped entity.

Meanwhile, Genma is coming across as fanon Genma.  The original version was a very flawed individual, yet he had good points and was one of the most powerful martial artists in the setting.

Ranma is indeed changed very much, and when the correct times comes, I will explain in clearly. However, this is not the correct time, and quite frankly I'm not sure the explanation would work well before showing Ranma as he is first.

Regarding Genma, as I understand it, fanon-Genma is a person motivated by greed and sloth. This Genma is someone who recognized that Ranma has personality problems, was confused by it, and thought that Ranma's personality problems were caused by himself. He decided that his own influence seemed to be bad for Ranma and chose to put Ranma into what he thought was a better environment. This is not behavior motivated by greed and sloth, which even Konoe mentions. Ranma certainly accuses Genma of those vices, but Ranma is very angry and just because Ranma thinks so doesn't mean that is Genma's actual motivation. Admittedly Genma doesn't seem to make himself look better, but he's obviously nervous and it would be simplistic to think the story is bashing him based on his responses or on what Ranma thinks. One of my other readers who preread this episode mentioned that he didn't think fanon-Genma was being used here, which was my intention.

This is very awkward phrasing.  I suggest read reading Ranma's sentence out loud to yourself.

I did. It's not the best dialogue I've ever written, but I don't think it was that awkward.

Also, when did anyone say Konoe would be personally teaching Ranma or that he would teaching him martial arts?

While Ranma was sleeping, Konoe and Genma were discussing allowing Ranma access to Mahora's resources for his training. Hence why the next sentence after Genma mentioning the "gift" is "Ranma hadn't heard" and followed up with "what kind of gift".

Okay, you've finally established Ranma's age, if not how this meshes with the Negima timeline.  I suggest bringing this farther forward in the chapter.

I disagree. Like I said, it would not make sense for Ranma to mention his age earlier, and it would mess up the pacing of the conflict to jam in backstory information any earlier than this.

'Genma _had_ no answer....'

Corrected.

How can Konoe be barging into the conversation when he was part of it before Ranma butted in?

This scene is from Ranma's viewpoint, not from omniscient third-person. As far as Ranma is concerned, Konoe had not said a word since Ranma woke up. To Ranma, Konoe jumping in at this point would be barging into a conversation Ranma was having with his father.

And bricks are notably smaller than your average hardcover anthology, which I don't think is what you wanted to imply.  Though it does explain why Konoe doesn't react to getting hit for barging in.

I said brick-shaped, not necessarily brick-sized. Again, this is from Ranma's perspective, and Ranma would think of it as brick-shaped even if it's not exactly what a brick looks like. He certainly wouldn't about to call a book "rectangular-prism-shaped".

A Ranma that despises people merely because they are old?  Or because of their appearance?  That's not a very pleasant person, nothing like the original Ranma, and actively counter-productive in most martial arts settings.

That "maybe" in front of all those things isn't just there for show. And besides, Ranma's emotionally charged at the moment, and he wasn't thinking very deeply into the matter. And it's a leap of logic to assume that because he thinks this of Konoe, he thinks it of every old person. Clearly he knows Konoe from before this scene, and that may color his attitude.

How can something be large and shriveled?

shrivel: to draw into wrinkles especially with a loss of moisture (merriam-webster)
I use "shriveled" as a synonym for "wrinkled". There's no requirement for "small" in the definition.

Wait, Ranma hit Genma because Konoe barged into the conversation?

No, Genma hit the floor because of the first book Ranma threw when he woke up, remember? Genma still hadn't gotten up yet.

Shame?   Genma?

Are you asserting Genma is emotionally incapable of feeling shame? That seems rather fanon-Genma-ish.

Buwhat?   The fact Ranma can make a one word low and dangerous demand of any kind strongly implies that he is out of control and the rest of his and Genma's behavior clearly shows that, so how can Ranma be asking this?

Why can't Ranma be asking an explanation? I do think you're taking things too much at face value. Ranma is certainly acting pissed off, but from his own perspective, he hasn't lost control. If he suddenly found things different than expected, why can't his demeanor change suddenly? Note that "massive shifts in mood" is one of the problems Genma cites.

What?  If Genma and Konoe agreed before the Saotomes came to Mahora, then what were they arguing about and why has Konoe been giving Genma less-than-zero support?

Genma and Konoe were discussing other things while Ranma slept. They were not arguing (and you will find that there is no evidence they have been). As for Konoe not giving Genma support, come on man, I can't give you all the answers. Isn't it obvious Konoe is mostly staying out of this argument until the hand-off? Wouldn't Konoe be able to easily see from the one comment he snuck in that if he tried to put weight on Ranma, Ranma would get more defensive?

"I don't know what's gotten into you," said Genma, "but you've changed so much from the playful boy you've always been.  Now you're too serious, dead fixated on whatever's in front of you, always having massive shifts in mood, and you just disregard all the normal morality that I try to teach you."

I think this needs to be the first sentence of the fic.  It's more dramatic and it reduces the reader's suspension of disbelief.

I'm not sure how you're rating first sentences, but I would shoot myself in the face before starting my story with such a giant violation of show-don't-tell. Everything up to this point was to set up the credibility of this line. You want this line to set up the credibility of the conflict? Oh, man. I don't think if I can go with you on that.

Since when is admitting Genma has failed (as both Genma and Ranma have done) and seeking help dumping the problem on someone else?  It's more responsible than I recall Genma usually being in the manga and he appears to be genuinely risking his safety to help a complete ingrate.

Yes. Exactly. First, this shows that Genma isn't acting like fanon, right? And yes, exactly. This shows that Ranma isn't thinking very objectively and grasping at straws, trying to get out of being put in school. That's completely consistent with Ranma's scene question.

Ranma truly had that integrity, why wouldn't he have accepted his father's directives earlier in this fic?  Why does he now start obeying Genma, I don't understand what has changed.

Because he doesn't want to do accept his father's directives, and was trying (not especially well, admittedly) to talk his father out of it. If he talks Genma out of this decision, then there would be no integrity problem. It's when Genma explicitly invokes that integrity that forces Ranma to comply. That's how you know integrity is important to Ranma, that even if Ranma is completely pissed off and totally against the idea, once integrity is invoked Ranma chooses to stop fighting.

Are you saying that fighting the decision initially is evidence against Ranma's integrity? If Ranma didn't fight it, that would be undramatic, and rather dumb. There is no story value in integrity or any other character trait if it isn't challenged. If I only put Ranma in situations where his integrity could be nicely fulfilled, there would be no story and his integrity would just be something I randomly talk about, instead of showing as a vital part of his character.

"The old man didn't think much of Genma's child-raising habits.

Well, Genma sure seems to be doing a worse job than he did in the original series.

He sure seems to be. The real story is more complicated, of course.

When did Ranma pick up a third book?

It's still the second book. He did not throw the second book yet. Remember that that Konoe barged in "before Ranma remembered the brick-shaped Ryuunosuke Akutagawa anthology in his hand and put it to rightful use."  Emphasis on "before". That implies Konoe preempted Ranma.

Finally, a tiny hint of Genma's martial arts ability.  How did this Genma end up so less skilled in everything than he was in the original series?

This is not a martial arts situation. Ranma is not savagely attacking Genma or threatening his life. There is no special reason why Genma should dodge everything.

And Ranma's statement makes no sense.  If Ranma truly is powerful enough to kick Genma's ass, then Genma has nothing left to train Ranma in and it would make sense to any competent martial artist that Genma hand Ranma off to someone who can train him.

This is a simplistic interpretation of the martial arts relationship between Ranma and Genma. Is it absolutely impossible for Ranma to be capable of beating Genma while still having something he wants to learn from Genma?

So far Ranma, not Genma, is impressing me as hypocritical and I'm not seeing Ranma's 'integrity'.

Okay, you said it. Show me your reasoning. According to Ranma, Genma promised Ranma he would spend this time training Ranma but is going back on that promise, while at the same time demanding that Ranma uphold his own promise to honor Genma's parental decisions. That's maintaining the moral importance of other people keeping promises while at the same time not doing so yourself, which is hypocrisy. What's your evidence that Ranma is being hypocritical?

Are you suggesting that Ranma is hypocritical because in a moment of anger he forgot his promise? The implication in the scene is that Genma doesn't invoke it very often, and I wouldn't call somebody a hypocrite on the basis of forgetting something during an emotional moment, especially if that person backs down when reminded, as Ranma does.

How can Genma be talking to Konoe after he has left the room and been escorted off the premises?

I'll reword the sentence from "lead out" to "begin leading out".

This does not make sense.  Ranma lived with Genma even longer in the original series and the original Ranma was notably more mature and socially well-adjusted than this Ranma, so the fact that this Ranma is an unforgiving, ill-tempered, anti-social, obsessive brat with a hair-trigger temper *cannot* be from his spending time around Genma.

Abso-freaking-lutely correct. Genma believes he caused Ranma's changes, but he is completely wrong. That's why he "doesn't know what got into Ranma."

Wait.

*Konoe* is apologizing to *Ranma*?

The only person Konoe should be apologizing to is Genma, for his cowardly failure to support Genma after *they* agreed to put Ranma in school.

Ranma was angry at Konoe. Konoe apologized to calm Ranma down. Don't tell me you've never seen somebody say sorry for something you didn't think was his fault just to calm another person down. And just so you know, Genma and Konoe agreed that talking Ranma down was Genma's responsibility (only Genma could pull the integrity card, after all, and Ranma isn't Konoe's kid), but since Ranma didn't know about that, the reader wasn't told either. Taking the bad interpretation is unfair to the character.

So this Ranma is petty and spiteful, too?  Just when I though I couldn't like him any less. ... This Ranma's a whiney bitch, isn't he?

That's harsh. I wouldn't like anybody if all I knew was how they think and act during and slightly after they were angry from feeling personally betrayed.

And based on tenses, this should be 'said _I'd_ follow through'.  After all, you later establish that Ranma cares about language skills and scored perfectly on them without cheating, so his spoken word need to be perfect.

I'm not so sure. I don't see the necessity to speak perfectly just because I can score perfectly on a verbal test. How a person speaks depends greatly on the situation, and in front of a school tester for a test is pretty different from in front of an old guy who just screwed me out of something I wanted.

So now he's sulking after the extended tantrum.  By now the only things I want to see happen to this Ranma are fail miserably and die.  He has no direction, no positive points, and his negative points aren't interesting.

Just because somebody is sulking after an extended tantrum, the only thing you want to see happen to him is to fail miserably and die? I gotta say, Edward, I don't know how you would do with kids. I should note that Ranma did have a direction before the scene, but it had just been taken from him. Partly by the person he's talking to, no less. Were you expecting that in the few minutes since that event, Ranma would forget it all and happily agree with everything Konoe says?

By the way, to "sulk" is to be moodily silent, which isn't quite what Ranma's doing. Ranma's basically going "fine, I agreed to what you're doing, so do what you have to do."

Wait, wait, wait?  A Ranma that doesn't like a challenge?

Eh, now I feel you're just going out of your way to assume Ranma is an idiot. If Ranma accepted that he's just been screwed from the life he was expecting in exchange for a normal life than everybody else has, and then Konoe says "but I'll screw you by giving you a crappier life than everybody else which, by the way, implies that you're stupider than everybody else for no inherent fault of yours"... there is no self-respecting person who would accept that on the basis of "it's more challenging". It would be like a marathon runner thinking, "I can get first place, but it's okay if my rival stabs me in the leg before the race because hey, that's more challenging!" That would be retarded.

Why would Ranma think Konoe would be satisfied that Ranma is frustrated?  If Konoe showed any signs of it, he would have passed into self-satisfied smugness long before Genma left.

Konoe did, remember? "Then you agree to this?" said Konoe when the atmosphere settled.  He looked pleased, but diplomatically cleared the pleasure from his wrinkled face when Ranma looked at him.

That's just as big a disadvantage as what?

Letting you start school even slightly tardy would be a great disadvantage."

A shovel?  I'm thinking this was supposed to be humorous, instead I find it just odd.

Don't worry about it. Ranma's thought process is odd. This is a reference to something else which has not been revealed.

I keep looking at this, trying to find any reason Ranma would say this.  I keep failing.

You are meant to fail. Ranma has his reasons, and they will become clearer with time. I only guarantee they are consistent.

It is more negatives trait though, this Ranma is clearly untrustworthy and/or cruel.

Hmm. Maybe that's why the adults think he has to go to school. Just saying.

This implies that Ranma is good at and cares about mathematics, science, and Japanese and English language studies.  Which leaves readers expecting Ranma to consistently demonstrate this mastery in the fic and for there to be an explanation for Ranma being so interested in things he was indifferent about in the original series.

Yes. Yes it does leave everybody expecting that. Expectations are important writer tools.

It also does not seem to fit Ranma's obsessive focus on training in this fic.  History and cultural studies could lead him to techniques, teachers, and cultures that will help him train better.  He's not going to get that from mastering mathematics, science, and the Japanese and English languages.

So either Ranma is lying, or there must be some other reason he doesn't focus on that. Though I should mention that when Ranma says he "never cared much for", that may simply mean he doesn't enjoy them, not that he doesn't focus on them.

This also implies Ranma has a superb memory since he was able ace the tests he didn't cheat on.  This meshes poorly with how well he remembered Ryouga in that character's intro.  Still, readers will be expecting Ranma to continue to show this superb memory throughout this fic.

This shows that Ranma has a superb memory for things he actively chose to memorize an hour before the test. If the reader chooses to go from that to some other conclusion, I can't guarantee their accuracy.

Konoe sure seems a lot less emotionally resilient than I remember him.  And based on his actions there is no way he can ever help Ranma with the issues that made Genma leave him at Mahora, and he lacks even that appeal to 'integrity' that Genma had as an ineffective way to moderate Ranma's behavior.

So you think that Konoe has no options that make up for this lack? As I understand it, most real-life principals, teachers, and adults don't use magical invocations of integrity to control teenagers.

This would be humorous if Ranma had been portrayed positively and Konoe as someone who deserved it.  If these were original Ranma versus Principal Kuno I'd be laughing, but this doesn't work with the characters in this fic.

You are not meant to take this humorously, and Ranma is not trying to be humorous. Humor is in short supply at this point in the story. It's probably in short supply everywhere else too.

That's the most complimentary assessment Ranma has made of anyone so far.  We'll expect him to hold to it unless Takamichi does something to prove himself incompetent.

Yeah. But then there have only been two other characters in the story and you have no information on what criteria Ranma used to judge competence. Ranma could've judged Takamichi competent solely on the basis of him not doing stuff to piss Ranma off while conducting the test. That would be a rather trivial, but completely legitimate, way to assess that the guy who proctored your test is competent.

Recommend changing 'asking having' to 'asking'.

Good catch. Changed to "asking me to".

The other characters are incredibly tolerant of Ranma's tantrums in this fic.

Takamichi Takahata seems a pretty laid-back guy, and he has experience dealing with trouble students. And Konoe briefed him on Ranma beforehand.

Suggest dropping 'own'.

Corrected. Seems to be a leftover from a previous draft.

1) How is Takamichi looking at discarded notes in any way distracting to Ranma?

Takamichi was referring to as Ranma was writing them, not as he was discarding them, since he notes he looked at them after Ranma threw them away.

2) Someone who can't handle petty distractions should be regularly getting their butt kicked in martial arts, especially against someone as devious as Genma.

Edward, you can't deny there's a difference between being distracted while mass-memorizing unknown written material and being distracted while fighting. Everybody in that room has battle experience and study experience, and they do see a difference.

In that case wouldn't it make sense to put Ranma in as low a grade as possible?

From Ranma's test scores, Konoe can't conclude that he knows everything, but Konoe has no evidence Ranma knows nothing. Taking into account that Konoe isn't trying to make Ranma an enemy, that Ranma has at least enough skill and/or knowledge to get perfect scores however he got them, and that Ranma's previous school records (sparse as they are) showed no signs of a mental developmental problem, there is nothing inherently wrong with merely dropping Ranma one year than his age.

If you think there is special reason to drop Ranma all the way down to first-year middle school, I'd like to hear it. I could change the detail in the story easily enough.

1) This does not mesh with the superb memory Ranma showed on the parts of the test he didn't cheat on.

The ability to memorize verbal memory in the short-term and the ability to recall past events are not the same. I did the research.

2) Considering the attention the Japanese put on New Years, how could Ranma possibly fail to notice it?

A good question. <_<

'that he _had_ met' ... he _had_ changed

This section is in Ranma's mind, and I don't believe he would put that word there.

And Ranma's far too young to be comparing years to lifetimes.

I only guarantee this wording is consistent with Ranma's mindset.

Since Ranma contemplated revenge against both Genma and Konoe during his extended tantrum in the first scene and clearly enjoyed those contemplations, this makes no sense to me.

So you see no difference between how a person thinks during a tantrum and two days after it, and at the same time judge a person negatively solely based on how he thinks during a tantrum but not changing that judgment based on how he thinks two days later? Fascinating. ^_^

Ranma scanned his choices of suits, and said, "I'll take the most expensive one."

1) Merely picking the most expensive is not showing a sense of fashion.

The statement "this uniform was fine" suggests that Ranma did not choose it based on its expense. Ranma looked at the suits before choosing. The fact that the one he wanted is the most expensive is incidental.

2) This Ranma's sense of fashion does not match original Ranma's sense of fashion.

No. No it doesn't.

I'm fairly sure that should not be a question.

It's an expression of disbelief, which is commonly expressed with the tone of a disbelieving question.

Contrasting this with canon Ranma's reaction to Principal Kuno's haircut ideas reinforces my feeling about the character.

Yes. This was put in purposely to drive home the fact that Ranma's motivations are very different from canon Ranma's, not like you didn't have enough evidence. It is also an expression of Ranma's integrity. Ranma accepted that he would go to school for the sake of being more normal. Konoe told him that he should get a regular haircut as part of that. Ranma accepted this without complaint, even though Konoe expected him not to.

So Ranma was lying to himself at the start of this scene when he decided to let it go and not to contemplate revenge?

I guarantee only that the wording is consistent with Ranma's mindset.

'throwing _Konoe's_ desk'

Corrected.

1) If Takamichi is strong enough to *accidentally* hurt Ranma worse than Ryouga ever did in the original series, why isn't Ranma smart enough to try to set up sparring with him?

Good question. Though I wonder why you phrase it as a question of Ranma's intelligence rather than his motives.

2) This means that Takamichi is vastly stronger than the canon version and/or Ranma is vastly weaker than the canon version.

If you say so. I only note that if you keep trying to judge things in terms of canon while I keep saying things are different from canon, one of us is going to sprain something sooner or later. I don't think I should regale you with stories of the week I spent figuring out the power levels in this story.

That's odd.  Why are parts of Mahora Academy, especially more visible parts like this derelict while most of it is in good condition?  If there are problems, the less important parts should suffer first and Ranma should be commenting on how dingy and worn-down the place looked long before now.  And why was there even an expensive option on the uniform if Mahora is tight on funds?

Your interpretation is a bit off, not your fault, this is clarified in the next episode. Konoe sent Ranma to a section of Mahora that is less well of than the others. As for noting how dingy and worn-down the place is, it is a matter of timing. There is no reason why Ranma would go out of his way to comment on those things while hobbling down the street and reminiscing about the past two days. For all the readers know, he could've mentally commented on them some time before, but it wasn't relevant to the story at that time.

'was first _on the_ agenda'

I feel this should stay "first agenda", because it illustrates the fact that Ranma thinks in terms of multiple agendas (of which going to the school speech is merely the first one related to the school) and is projecting that same mental organization on everybody else.  He's just weird like that.

The difference between Ranma's normal walking speed and his limping speed is too extreme.  Have you ever had a foot or leg injury?

Yep. And I guarantee Ranma's speed is consistent with his situation. His situation may not be what you think it is, though.

Konoe said that the staff here was strict about rules, and if he was late, the staff would get angry.

That should be  'Konoe _had_ said'

Again, I don't believe Ranma would put that word in. I'm open to counterarguments.

'staff here _were_ strict'

Staff can be singular or plural depending on usage. I believe the usage here is singular, as I mean the group and not individuals.

and 'if he _were_ late'

I've had trouble with the subjunctive issue, so I'll look this over.

And since Ranma hasn't cared at all if his actions would make anyone angry, why is he caring about that now?

Integrity. Ranma accepted that he would do this school thing. Making the school staff angry by being late would violate his sense of integrity.

'boy' since it's been singular in all the previous sentences.

Corrected.

Ranma had puzzle over that for a second, but he couldn't think of any witty response because he didn't know what that even meant.  "Ask my what?"

Wait, Ranma doesn't know what a butler is?  What happened to his interest and skill in the Japanese language since the last scene?

Ranma knows what a butler is. When he "doesn't know what that even meant", "that" refers to the butler comment, not the word. He doesn't know how having a butler applies to his situation. It's not that he doesn't know what "butler" means.

And why is Ranma so even-tempered with this boy who is treating him far worse than Konoe or Genma did?

For much the same reason I would be more even-tempered about, oh random example, a kid spilling juice on me than my roommate telling me he took forty bucks from my wallet. There is simply no reason why Ranma's anger reaction should be that similar, because the inherent reasons behind the anger are very different.

Which is not to say Ranma's not pissed off, as you'll see in the next episode. But it's too boring to assume Ranma acts the same to every single provocation. I'd like to think my characters are more complex than that.

1) The reader has no emotional investment in this decision.

I can't promise the reader has an emotional investment in every decision. I can only give decisions that at least relate to the story question that I planned.

2) The character has no emotional investment in this decision.

I think Ranma does, but I'll need your definition of emotional investment before I can contradict you.

3) This decision seems unrelated to the events preceding it in the scene.

Oh no, I'm pretty sure "the first interaction he has with a normal kid" has something to do with the story question of "does Ranma normalize?".

Anyhow, thanks for the review.  Sorry if my responses seem to be too cutting; I really appreciate the thought you put into it.  I think it took me five hours to type this response, and another hour to proofread it. I don't know how much you'll like my next episode, though....

[KLSymph]

Happy belated Turkey Week, and stuff.

************************************************************

Tepid heat bloomed on Ranma's chest, and searing heat bloomed in his mind, but he pushed his own heat down with years of control.  That control, and the extra distance from stepping back so the soup didn't fall on his pants, also stopped him from breaking the guy's jaw.

Around him, the room lost its ambient chatter and all the other students stared at him expectantly, gauging him, waiting for him to flare with anger or cower with fear at the bullying.

No.  Even if that's what people expected, he couldn't let a few kids provoke him by dirtying his clothes, and he certainly had enough options to avoid acting like a coward.

But after an insult like this, he couldn't pretend to be calm either.

Ranma said, "Are you teachers getting paid to stand there?"

And as he hoped, everyone in the lunchroom cringed as Ranma's yell reached the hallway outside, where two teachers stood conversing.

Wrinkles's gang began to scatter without waiting for a response, and some of them got away.  Not all, and not Wrinkles himself.  He was too frozen from indecision to run away immediately, and by the time he tried, one of the teachers had already stepped his way onto the scene.

Ranma put a picture of the teacher's most distinctive feature on his mental corkboard, and labeled it "Necktie".

It wasn't his fault these people looked generic.

"What's this?" said Necktie.  His arrival had all the students in the lunchroom hushed further, and some averted their faces as if doing otherwise would draw attention to them too.

Even the remaining bullies shrank.  They obviously knew Necktie.  "What's going on this time?"  Necktie said, obviously knowing the boys just as well.  "Why are you tossing food around?  Why are you standing here in the lunchroom?"

"This guy attacked me," said Wrinkles, and pointed at Ranma. "He roughed me up this morning."

Necktie looked at Ranma.  "What's your name?"

Nobody here could support Wrinkles's claim, but Ranma wasn't going to simply lie.  Even though he wanted to win money from Konoe, he wasn't about to hide his actions after deciding on them, money or not.

"Ranma Saotome," he said, and waited for Necktie to confirm Wrinkles's story.

Necktie's eyebrow flickered enough for Ranma to notice something off, and he turned back to Wrinkles.  "Don't lie," he said.  "Anybody can see you're in the wrong.  Do you think I'm blind?"

Ranma was surprised, but Wrinkles actually gawked at that response.  "I'm not lying!" he said as he backed up a step. "He practically throttled me this morning!"

"You mean a new student randomly decided to attack you, even though you're the ones who have the disciplinary history?"

Ranma figured that without evidence the teachers would take his side, but he didn't feel happy being taught by simpletons.  He glanced around.  The other boys in the group didn't look surprised at the outcome at all.  They all stood stiff and quiet, stopped from protesting by experience.

Wrinkles didn't seem to have an answer, so he fell quiet too.  Necktie frowned at the silence.  "If you're not talking, then you know the procedure. Move."

The group of boys turned and began to shamble from the room, to where Ranma imagined school discipline would normally be handled.

Not Wrinkles though.  "What the hell?" he said.  "This is so unfair!  You're not even going to question him?"

The boy looked around, but even though that was a legitimate question, nobody in the room supported him, Necktie was ignoring him, and Ranma wasn't about to speak on his behalf. He opened his mouth to rant some more, but one of the boys from his own group grabbed him.

"What are you--"

Then Wrinkles face scrunched up and stopped talking.  Ranma couldn't see, but from the boy's expression either the other kid was him quiet, or poking a knife into his back.

The room was quiet as the group quickly left with the other teacher who came in with Necktie.

Necktie looked over Ranma, who still had soup and noodles dribbling down his front.  "Saotome, was it?"

"Are you going to ask for my side of things?"

Necktie's face grew a little bit darker.  "I don't think it matters.  Even if you were in the wrong, I'm supposed to let it slide."

A wave of suspicion crashed into Ranma, and the muttering around the room told him only a small part of it was his own.  "You're supposed to let it slide?  Why?"

"That's not something I'm going to share with the entire school.  Just don't make things hard for us and stay out of trouble."

Ranma glanced around at the attentive audience.  "That's hard to do when you're singling me out like this."

"Well, do what you can."

Necktie shrugged and left, but the students continued staring at Ranma, memorizing his name and appearance, and noting that he received some kind of special treatment.  He could see the notoriety he was developing in those stares.

He might not live in normal society, but Ranma knew normal society would shun him for being different, and not just the don't-talk-to-me kind of shunning he wanted.  If asking for directions led to this much trouble, how the hell would he avoid more with such a reputation?

Oh well.  He had to go wash himself off.

Getting food dumped on him by school bullies was no problem. Calling the teachers so he wouldn't have to fight was also worth it.  He stayed cool, and handled himself as well as anybody could expect.

But getting a wide reputation when he should be acting normal?  That was bad.

Nobody bothered him the rest of the day.  His classmates stayed away and the teachers treated him the same as before, as if strangely uninformed.  That suggested most of the teachers didn't know who he was, but the lunchroom talk made Ranma suspect Konoe had gone around telling everybody that the new boy was a horrible troublemaker.  Strange for his regular teachers not to at least glance at him nervously.

Maybe the news must not have spread far, but Ranma could hear the gossip moving out of his homeroom into the other floors already.

Like his teacher wanted, the school day ended with Ranma cleaning the homeroom.  Ranma wiped the floor and took out the trash quickly and painlessly, considering all the other things on his mind.

Even though he tryed to win the bet with Konoe today, the way things went wrong showed he was drifting with no goal, and without one he didn't--wouldn't--accomplish anything. He needed to make a concrete decision about what he was going to do now.

Should he concentrate on his studying, or on training?  He wanted to train, of course, but without his dad, how would he do it?

No, the bigger problem was if other people kept getting in his way, he wouldn't get anything done.

He needed to know the reason Konoe wanted him here.  It couldn't be to attend such a terrible school.

Maybe he should even get the old man's advice, since he had to go to the old man's place anyway?

No.  By the time Ranma limped from his school to Konoe's office, he changed his mind.  Konoe had his own agenda, and Ranma didn't want to have that conversation without knowing more about his situation.  That meant he'd have to sit through more than one day of school.

Well, in the meantime he needed to check in with Konoe and try to get his money.

Ranma dragged himself to Konoe's office around five o'clock in the afternoon, so there weren't many girls around to stare at him limping through their school.

From outside the office, he could hear Konoe talking, and since Ranma wasn't in a hurry he didn't interrupt the old man's business.  Besides, tripping on the stairs messed up his injury, so he welcomed a chance to sit down.

For the last few days, he had been recovering from the hit that teacher called Takamichi gave him, and he hadn't been able to do anything useful... but he also didn't want to get better too quickly.  That would make Konoe suspicious, and he didn't want to risk the old man getting investigative.

He had turned off his brain during the slow recovery, but now he needed to think.  Suppose he ended up training.  He'd have to distance himself from the students at school, and if he avoided after-school clubs and anything more than bare-minimum study, and if he had no money problems, that would leave him a lot of time for training.

If he had money problems, then he needed to work.  That would waste a lot time, and stall his improvement badly.

He could... but no, that kind of income would be too shady for Konoe to ignore.

Doing errands for pocket money wasn't reliable enough to fund his training, but if he tried to find a job, he'd have to get permission from a school authority now that Genma wasn't here to sign the forms.

Konoe forced him into this situation, and no way was he begging Konoe for an income.  Before it came to that, he had options.

Konoe's office door interrupted his thinking, and Ranma saw a girl from his own poor-as-hell school in that ugly girl's uniform coming out of the office.

She was that weird girl who butted in this morning and later ran away from him.  Ranma knew this meeting would be just as awkward, but that was no reason to be mean, so he simply got up and said, "Hello again."

The girl flinched, which Ranma considered overreacting.  He didn't snarl it or anything.  For a second, he wondered if she would run away again.

She did nothing at all, so Ranma dismissed her from his mind.  He limped into Konoe's office and yelled, "Hey old man, you owe me money!"

"And speak of the devil," said Konoe.

...Meaning they were talking about him?

Hmm.

But Ranma decided if Konoe didn't fault him for his own greeting, he'd be unfair in overthinking Konoe's.

"The devil says you owe him money."

Konoe's brow was slanted in displeasure.  "Oh?  Well, that's not how I hear it.  Fifty thousand in exchange for not getting in a fight on the first day of school.  Weren't you in a fight today?"

There went Ranma's hope of an honest profit.  On to dishonesty, then.

"Nope."

"According to at least one person, you attacked a kid before school even started.  Grabbing him around the neck would qualify as fighting to me."

Something that mild was far from what Ranma considered a fight, and he made no promise to avoid fighting outside of school hours, but both excuses were against the spirit of the bet.

He shrugged, and jumped to the point.  "If my school has some sort of disciplinary accusation against me for whatever I did this morning, then fine.  Otherwise, keep the schoolgirl gossip to yourself."

He turned and eyed the girl at the door, who now stared defiantly back at him.  Ranma turned back before the eyeroll reflex hit.

"The school," said Konoe, "does have a note about you that corroborates my witness's testimony."  The old man shuffled some papers on his desk, as if this was some kind of legal hearing, instead of a chance to compensate for Ranma's basement living.  "Apparently your victim gathered his school clique and tried to take revenge for your actions."

"And I didn't fight them," said Ranma.  "Besides, when somebody tries to take revenge on me, does the school say it's my fault?"

Ranma wanted to know.  If his school believed that, he'd have to behave differently there.

Konoe coughed.  "Well, no."

"Then you got nothing."

"I'm afraid I find the witness credible.  She gave me a full account of your behavior this morning.  If you give somebody else reason to attack you, you're responsible for the attack."

For a second, Ranma considered if the girl behind him was sent by Konoe to spy.  He junked that thought quickly--if she was there to spy, why would she be so surprised at his name?  At least that what Ranma figured she was so surprised about, since he had no idea why she would care about his room number.

"Really?  I'm responsible if I started it?  Okay, then, let me ask your little witness."

Ranma turned to the girl again.  "Why was I grabbing that guy in the neck this morning?"

The girl stared at him and couldn't reply, exactly as Ranma expected because he knew she hadn't seen that part.

"How do you know I started it?  Why do you think I would fight somebody I don't know in a school I've never been to while hobbling the entire day, unless somebody else started it and I tried to smooth things out?"

The girl had that squirrel-in-gunsights face Ranma saw on naughty kids whenever he glanced at kid shows on TV.  She had no answer, of course.

Ranma turned back to Konoe.  "If the school is writing me up for fighting, then fine.  Otherwise, old man, you don't get to decide who to believe.  Are you handing over the cash?"

"Did you abuse a boy at school today?"

Ranma glared at the old man who sat there ignoring whatever he said.  He needed that money, but he already decided that getting it wasn't as important as his satisfaction this morning, so as much as it bothered him, demanding proof from Konoe was just avoiding that decision's consequences.

"Yes, I did."

Konoe spread his hands.  "Then you lose."

What a wasted day of restraint.  If he was going to fail so early, he should've gotten more satisfaction by punching Wrinkles.

But no, Ranma reconsidered.  That would've just made his tardiness and his reputation worse.

He thought about blaming Takamichi for the injury that made him slow, but the man was doing his job.  Ranma was the one who got violent because Konoe dismissed the test.

Konoe dismissed the test because he thought Ranma had cheated.

Ranma got a score he could explain only by cheating because he wanted to skip school, and that was because Genma put him in school.

Genma said school was necessary because of Ranma's temper.

Dammit.  Ranma agreed to go to school.  He got perfect scores on the exams.  He wanted directions to get to school on time.  He swallowed the humiliation of getting picked on by some dumbshit kids playing schoolyard bully, and spent the afternoon in his shirt while his jacket dried.  And for what?

Genma said school was necessary because of Ranma's temper. He had to get out of here before that temper broke from the injustice of it all and made everything worse.

"Fine," Ranma said.  "I lose.  Keep your money."

He turned to leave.

The girl was still standing there blocking the door, now fully steeled herself against him with what Ranma recognized as a challenge face, all frowning and glaring.

For a second Ranma considered blaming her for everything, but no.  No, the time for blame was past and he should let it go.  But that doesn't mean he had to take any more of her interference.

Ranma glared back when she didn't move.  "What?"

She crossed her arms, and asked, "Before I say anything, I have to ask this.  Do you know who I am?"

Ranma was about to say, "Forgetting people before the end of the day is too much even for me."

No.  Wait, she wasn't asking that.  If this girl knew him from somewhere, that would explain why she was bothering him.  Ranma look at her face.  Its babyish roundness matched her squeaky voice, and with her brown hair tied up in twin pigtails with bow ribbons, he couldn't help but see her as a child.

He cleared Wrinkles and Necktie from the corkboard, and stuck her picture there in their place.  Under her picture, "Hairbows".

"I remember you," he said.  "Your family does martial arts and I challenged your training hall."

Hairbows stammered for a second, then collected herself. "Y-yes.  Okay, you remember, then you know why I'm standing in your way."

The last thing Ranma wanted was to be reminded, so Ranma used the first idea that came to mind to defuse a confrontation, so that he could get out of this office.

Hiding his limp as best he could, he walked right up to Hairbows, and before she could back away he bowed his waist so deep his head fell below the shorter girl's chest.  He could feel her surprised stare.  "I want to apologize," he said while staring at the floor.  "I shouldn't have humiliated you.  It wasn't an honorable thing to do.  I hope that you'll forget my fault and let me make it up to you and your family."

"Wha-"

Ranma could see Hairbows back up because her shoes moved upwards out of his view, and he figured she had a dropped-jaw look on her face from the way faint gurgling came out of her mouth.

The popping noise from her head was probably his own imagination.  He stayed bowed as Hairbows's brain rebooted.

That turned out to be a mistake when she punched him on the top of his head as hard as she could.

Ranma's head did not like that, and neither did the rest of him when he fell to the ground with all of his injuries screaming.  He didn't even have the presence of mind to curse out loud through the pain, but holy fucking cockballoons, in his thoughts he cursed energetically.  Not too coherently though.

Somewhere in the distance, he could hear the scrape of a chair being pushed back, but before Konoe could say anything Hairbows ran sobbing from the room, slamming the door behind her.

Well, Ranma thought as his spasms subsided, at least that was one obstacle down.  He treated her like a child and got the response he wanted, though not the way he wanted it. She wasn't going to stop him from leaving anymore.  He opened one eye, and saw Konoe standing over him.  Too bad the other obstacle wasn't as easy.

Konoe stooped down and asked in concern, "Are you alright? How bad is it?"

"She punched me in the fucking head!"

---

Ranma took responsibility for his own decisions.  He decided to mess with that girl, so when Konoe wanted to get him healed, he refused to take the easy way out of his pain.  He could've healed himself or accepted healing any time, like for the injury Takamichi dealt him, but copping out that way was cheap.  Instead he spent another entire night sleepless and grumbling in bed.  He couldn't train, but that was the price of integrity.

One night was enough to leave his head at a distracting ache, and head movements made him dizzy.  The headache slowed him down, and that more than made up for how much less he was limping.

Integrity forbade him from skipping school for more rest, of course.  Ranma walked to the school gate the next morning like that.

While normally he would've found the gate plaque still missing to be worth a second glance, not today.

He didn't need this crap today.

A wall of dumbass kids blocked his way through the middle of the courtyard as they watched with great interest some other dumbass kids yell.  With their volume and the size of the crowd, Ranma couldn't help but overhear talk of respecting so and so, joining up with such and such gang, getting expelled for getting caught again, and who the hell was this guy walking in the middle of them?

Ranma dragged himself through the argument between the shoddily dressed kids without a word or a glance.  If he was going to say anything at all, he would've told them to take their spectacle somewhere else.  Maybe to the gym building, where they could also take a shower while they're at it.

He didn't need this crap today.

Somebody yelled obscenities at him.  He didn't care, and continued walking.  He could hear the thudding of his own heartbeat somewhere in his head, and it was already worsening the ache.

When whoever was yelling at him caught up and grabbed his arm, Ranma finally looked toward where the voice was coming from.  He didn't recognize the guy.  He didn't care either. Not about the onlookers who probably recognized him from the trouble yesterday.  Not about the badly dressed kid yelling into his face.  Not even about the brass knuckles around the kid's other hand.

On some level, Ranma applauded the kid who was now trying to knuckle him in the jaw, because when would've been a better, more vulnerable time?

But he didn't need this crap today.

A hook punch from close range takes less than a second, but by the time the kid began the movement Ranma had already half-finished swinging his satchel, so it slashed the kid across the face long before the hook could be completed.

The satchel was empty so the blow didn't even knock the kid down despite its speed, but it knocked him back.  Ranma watched the kid ready himself again as the rest of his retard companions began cheering at the thought of a fight.

This was stupid.

This was all just stupid!  He got put into school against his will, got dumped into a lower grade, and even though he went along, for two days in a row these dipshits who he didn't even know keep getting in his way.  His side hurt from swinging the bag, his headache just spiked again, and he shouldn't be in this school, at this city, and trying not to maim people in the first place!

Forget it, he didn't need this crap today.

The kid started to charge at him, full of anger on his face. Even through the headache, Ranma knew that look.  He knew that anger was born in the mind.  The mind sent the anger to the body.  The body directed the anger to the arm.  The arm focused the anger into the fist.  So a fist was like an extension of the mind.  And from the mind to the knuckles, the bones of the shoulder, elbow, and wrist connected everything.

Ranma caught the kid's arm, folded it, and now things weren't connected anymore.

The courtyard stopped moving at the sight of a forearm jutting downward, held in place by skin and nothing else, a dead branch almost about to fall away and land on the courtyard concrete with a wet crack.

Maybe even the same wet crack that elbow made.

The metal knuckles began to slip out of the boy's fingers, and he began babbling loudly, shaking so badly he fell on his back.

And when that shaking made the forearm start bouncing around his lap, he began screaming.

That miserable sound made Ranma's head ache more, but a stomp to the mouth ended it.

************************************************************

Just an extra-pointed display of Ranma's jerkishness before I ease off.

[Brian]

I find this a story of someone who doesn't fit in.  Ranma's not exactly a likeable character, but I feel nothing but pity for him.  And as bad as you've tried to make him, he's the most likeable character in your story.  I don't like the girl that he's going to find he's engaged to/Konoe's daughter/GenericStudentAntagonist79873-b.  No one at his school has any personality traits beyond antagonistic towards Ranma, or mysterious motivations to make things harder by antagonizing other people to make them angier at Ranma.

Konoe's whole, "Yeah, but I believe her, so there," argument followed by Ranma actually apologizing rewarded him with Konoe telling Ranma he failed, and the girl doing something significantly worse than everything Ranma had done that day.  Be a jerk back to people?  Not so great.  Attacking someone who wasn't being an asshole, but had just apologized, while in the presence of a theoretical authority figure who was punishing/deriding your victim, because you had tattled on them?  As bad as Ranma is, that girl is worse; Ranma had been in an almost IDENTICAL situation that day and handled it better by reporting the bully to the teacher and trying to avoid trouble.  Sure, he was a jerk about it, and being antagonistic, but he didn't bust Wrinkles up for apologizing, and the girl was actively seeking confrontation by barring his way after he had conceeded that Konoe would keep his seemingly arbitrary judgement based on her word.  If you were trying to make Ranma look bad, she should have just run off in tears.

I see the whole pride/integrity angle that you're pushing for Ranma, but I also don't see any satisfying conclusion in this story.  The way Ranma's established, Konoe is a villain (I certainly don't like him).  If he succeeds and Ranma is reformed, then this is a story where the villain wins; I don't want to read that.  If Konoe fails, then Ranma has no redeeming values (he's a monster).  The only satisfying outcome I could see is Ranma redeeming himself by going against Konoe somehow.  Otherwise, I just see everyone picking on Ranma, and since they're even less likable....  And I've read quite enough of those stories already.

For what it's worth, my favorite part was when Ranma finally did something about the pointless antagonism that wasn't just, "Think about it."  My main motivation to keep reading this story is to see if Ranma gets any kind of revenge against Konoe or The Girl.

[KLSymph]

Hi Brian. Thanks for reading.

I find this a story of someone who doesn't fit in. Ranma's not exactly a likeable character, but I feel nothing but pity for him.  And as bad as you've tried to make him, he's the most likeable character in your story.

I've tried very hard to make my main character complex, so that the reader can come up with different interpretations of his character. Ranma shouldn't be easy to like or easy to hate, especially this early in the story when nobody knows him as well as they think. There is a method behind how I present his personality. Yeah, he's horrible, but at the same time there is some level of justification for his horribleness, but then he goes beyond how much he's justified.  Back and forth it goes, and the reader shouldn't easily take sides.

I don't like the girl that he's going to find he's engaged to/Konoe's daughter/GenericStudentAntagonist79873-b.  No one at his school has any personality traits beyond antagonistic towards Ranma, or mysterious motivations to make things harder by antagonizing other people to make them angier at Ranma.

The same can be said about all the other characters. Are there no good reasons they might be so antagonistic to Ranma? Keep in mind their presentation is filtered by Ranma's point of view.

Konoe's whole, "Yeah, but I believe her, so there," argument followed by Ranma actually apologizing rewarded him with Konoe telling Ranma he failed, and the girl doing something significantly worse than everything Ranma had done that day.  Be a jerk back to people?  Not so great.  Attacking someone who wasn't being an asshole, but had just apologized, while in the presence of a theoretical authority figure who was punishing/deriding your victim, because you had tattled on them?

That would be horrible, assuming that she saw Ranma as some guy she just met that day the way Ranma does in return. But suppose she didn't see it that way?  And as for Konoe, who knows what his agenda is?  Ranma is suspicious, but as long as Konoe is just playing obstructive bureaucrat, there's limits to how much Ranma would retaliate.

As bad as Ranma is, that girl is worse; Ranma had been in an almost IDENTICAL situation that day and handled it better by reporting the bully to the teacher and trying to avoid trouble.  Sure, he was a jerk about it, and being antagonistic, but he didn't bust Wrinkles up for apologizing, and the girl was actively seeking confrontation by barring his way after he had conceeded that Konoe would keep his seemingly arbitrary judgement based on her word. If you were trying to make Ranma look bad, she should have just run off in tears.

Everyone sees things through the filter of their own assumptions. The reader sees that Ranma hasn't done much to this girl, but she insists on getting in his way. Ranma doesn't know why she'd do that, so it seems really arbitrary. But what about this girl who seems to know him by name? What assumptions does she have and how do they filter her interpretation of the scene? Apparently Ranma has done something that made her punch him and run away crying. Why? Does she have a solid reason? Is she just overly childish? Insane? Justified? A little bit of everything?

I guarantee each character has his or her own motives and understanding, as best as I can I guarantee they act consistently with that. Also, I don't "try to make Ranma look bad". Ranma acts consistent with his own motives and understanding. He's just an ass a lot... but why? I've thought it through. It's more complicated than it seems.

I see the whole pride/integrity angle that you're pushing for Ranma, but I also don't see any satisfying conclusion in this story.

It is the nature of the stories that the beginning sets up the story question, the middle throws in complications that refine and divert the question from easy answers, and the ending delivers the best one. That's what makes stories interesting. If you could see the conclusion of my story this early, then haven't I failed as an author?

The way Ranma's established, Konoe is a villain (I certainly don't like him).  If he succeeds and Ranma is reformed, then this is a story where the villain wins; I don't want to read that. If Konoe fails, then Ranma has no redeeming values (he's a monster).  The only satisfying outcome I could see is Ranma redeeming himself by going against Konoe somehow.  Otherwise, I just see everyone picking on Ranma, and since they're even less likable....  And I've read quite enough of those stories already.

Well, don't worry. Without telling you the ending of my story, let's just say I'm not into writing main characters who sit there and take abuse. But since my character snapped somebody's arm in front of the entire school this early into the story, you already know that.

For what it's worth, my favorite part was when Ranma finally did something about the pointless antagonism that wasn't just, "Think about it."  My main motivation to keep reading this story is to see if Ranma gets any kind of revenge against Konoe or The Girl.

On the other hand, neither is this story revenge escapism. As the main character Ranma isn't so simple that he will get locked in a cycle of suffer abuse, limit break!, repeat.  Hopefully I'll hook you with something better before you get bored.

Again, thanks for reading.

[Brian]

Hi Brian. Thanks for reading.

I've tried very hard to make my main character complex, so that the reader can come up with different interpretations of his character. Ranma shouldn't be easy to like or easy to hate, especially this early in the story when nobody knows him as well as they think. There is a method behind how I present his personality. Yeah, he's horrible, but at the same time there is some level of justification for his horribleness, but then he goes beyond how much he's justified.  Back and forth it goes, and the reader shouldn't easily take sides.

I get this.

The same can be said about all the other characters. Are there no good reasons they might be so antagonistic to Ranma? Keep in mind their presentation is filtered by Ranma's point of view.

Yes, which I have to point out is also the only PoV your story offers so far.  I understand your goal, and what you're trying to achieve; your focus through Ranma's eyes makes him in some ways sympathetic, and in others less, but on the whole we (your readers) aren't given anything to contrast this to.  Moreover, this is a story of antagonists exclusively; there's no villains or friends to act as foils to show deeper meanings, just generally spiteful or dissinterested people.

Even then (though, again, this is within the scope of Ranma's PoV (again, the only one we have)) when other characters do interact with one-another, they tend not to do so in any meaningful way, unless it's towards Ranma.  So we see things almost exclusively from his PoV, outside of the Genma/Konoe/Ranma discussion at the very start.  Other characters tend to have moments like this:

Ranma walks in on Konoe and the Girl.  They talked about something, and it was probably meaningful (and currently is paced to come to light later), but all we see of it is Ranma realizing, "Oh, they were talking."  This is emphasized by the girl's lack of dialogue where we (the readers) can hear it.  Yeah, she's a character, and she displays the singular personality trait of: Doesn't like Ranma (a common trait, from Ranma's PoV).

The teacher who is coerced/shamed into being a responsible adult obviously has motives and knowledge concerning the situation, but is extremely reluctant to get involved in anyway, and imparts no real information to the reader beyond what I just summarized.  There could be guesses; Ranma THINKS Konoe's involved.  Is he?  We've got no way to tell right now; it just doesn't come up as a fact in Ranma's PoV (merely an assumption).

There's more to the Girl and Necktie, and I understand there's intended depth later.  But what do we SEE?  Her making a snap-judgement on Ranma and giving him grief for it.  Justification comes far too late ("Oh, I ROFL PWNED her family dojo, lol, K.O.S to this faction!") and is immediately followed by an even firmer rejection of communication between the Girl and Ranma.  This makes whatever understanding of her character we're supposed to achieve even harder: She doesn't like, and therefore closes out Ranma (and thus, us, the readers).  What makes her tick?  She's not going to tell US now!  This, BTW, does work to make Ranma sympathetic.  I side with him, because the only information I have is his.

So, the girl:
1.) Doesn't defend the weaker physically (she just mouths off to Ranma and runs away to get him in trouble OUTSIDE of school)
2.) Is capable of inflicting genuine damage on a real martial artist (so probably has actual martial skill; especially since:)
3.) She doesn't like the fact that Ranma shamed her/her family in an event involving a dojo (we don't know the rest, but grudge-justification is implied)

What does this tell me?
1.) She's a coward, because she CAN try and face up to Ranma but chooses NOT to directly
2.) She's a martial artist, because she CAN injure Ranma, and the dojo thing
3.) She has no code of honor whatsoever, because she physically attacks an enemy who is essentially prone and apologizing to her
   Reporting Ranma's behavior if she was trying to defend someone who was being bullied, and trying not to be involved could be justified, but it isn't.  The guy Ranma picked on in the morning?  Necktie establishes that he's the school bully, and no one likes him.  She's not defending the thug; she's looking for an excuse to pick on Ranma.

All of this reflects back against Konoe, because while he shows some concern for the fact that Ranma's injured, he displays (as far as the reader is ever given) no worry whatsoever over the fact that she attacked him.  IE., as long as no one kills Ranma, Konoe is cool with (if not actively encouraging) people beating him up.

That would be horrible, assuming that she saw Ranma as some guy she just met that day the way Ranma does in return. But suppose she didn't see it that way?  And as for Konoe, who knows what his agenda is?  Ranma is suspicious, but as long as Konoe is just playing obstructive bureaucrat, there's limits to how much Ranma would retaliate.

Again, you're asking your readers to know what you (the author) know, but haven't demonstrated in the story.  Limiting yourself to a single character's PoV is a double-edged sword.  Ranma doesn't think, "Oh, she must have missed breakfast, I bet she's really a nice girl who's just misunderstood."  He thinks, "Not only is she stupid, she's ... uh ... REALLY stupid.  Yeah.  Oh, and she sucks at martial arts (ow)."  What do we have to go on?

Everyone sees things through the filter of their own assumptions. The reader sees that Ranma hasn't done much to this girl, but she insists on getting in his way. Ranma doesn't know why she'd do that, so it seems really arbitrary. But what about this girl who seems to know him by name? What assumptions does she have and how do they filter her interpretation of the scene? Apparently Ranma has done something that made her punch him and run away crying. Why? Does she have a solid reason? Is she just overly childish? Insane? Justified? A little bit of everything?

I guarantee each character has his or her own motives and understanding, as best as I can I guarantee they act consistently with that. Also, I don't "try to make Ranma look bad". Ranma acts consistent with his own motives and understanding. He's just an ass a lot... but why? I've thought it through. It's more complicated than it seems.

I believe I've addressed this argument.  In all cases, we're still limited by what you SHOW us, regardless of what the content of your story IS.  Konoe could be a saint; the Girl could be Ranma's guardian Tenshi in mortal form; Wrinkles could be a time-traveler from the future dedicated to bettering Ranma no matter the expense.

But we don't (and can't) know that, and haven't been given many good clues into what we evidently should know.

It is the nature of the stories that the beginning sets up the story question, the middle throws in complications that refine and divert the question from easy answers, and the ending delivers the best one. That's what makes stories interesting. If you could see the conclusion of my story this early, then haven't I failed as an author?

Yes-and-no.  This is up to a question of taste as far as what the author wants to write, and what the reader wants to read.  It works the same way in movies, too.  Say you rent Krull from your rental shop, because you want to watch a fantasy movie.  Are the good guys going to win?  Of course.  Does that make the movie boring?  Maybe to some, but I enjoyed it.

Then look at any M. Night Sha...mumblemumble...an's movies, like, say, "Sixth Sense".  If you guess the plot-twist early, the movie is quite boring.

Not seeing a satisfying conclusion early is a personal issue: The story couldn't have a satisfying conclusion to me, given what I've listed as my issues with it.  I'm absolutely positive that this story will end to your satisfaction (regardless of the outcome; that's kinda the point, right?).  Foreshadowing that things will get better in no way diminishes your ability as an author.  Telling everyone how the epilogue will work out in chapter one does tend to kill dramatic tension, however.

It's a fine balance; the readers should have guesses about what happens generally, or maybe suspicions that are later validated, but generally shouldn't know all the specific details.  Ex., it doesn't take a genius to see that Alice and Bob are going to get into a fight given that they're both in a bad mood and want the evidence on Carol first.  We don't know if it's going to be a shoot-out at the docks, a bulldozer chicken-match, or a rocket-duel.  Hell, maybe it' be a hand of poker; we don't know.  We just know that it's going to be a conflict.  I liken storytelling to traveling down the road.  Curves are great for a surprising scenery change when you come out of them, but hairpin turns all the way is just pure stress.

But, your milage may vary.

Well, don't worry. Without telling you the ending of my story, let's just say I'm not into writing main characters who sit there and take abuse. But since my character snapped somebody's arm in front of the entire school this early into the story, you already know that.

I know all of this from a writer perspective, but this is from the PoV of someone who's only read the story (not your commentary on it).  And I have read your commentary, but a reader won't know all of your remarks to Ed (for example).

On the other hand, neither is this story revenge escapism. As the main character Ranma isn't so simple that he will get locked in a cycle of suffer abuse, limit break!, repeat.  Hopefully I'll hook you with something better before you get bored.

I'm sorry to say, but I sincerely doubt it at this point.

Again, thanks for reading.

Really, if this is about exploring Ranma's character, I think you're going about it from the wrong angle.  We shouldn't be seeing this through Ranma's eyes; we should be seeing it from the eyes of absolutely everyone else.  We should see Ranma reacting like a stung little third grader and mouthing off to the Girl from her PoV; we should see the jump in logic that drives her to just attack him and feel sympathy for her reasons (even if we think it's stupid).

The trick is making sure that Ranma is sympathetic in this environment, but the key to that is Genma and Konoe's first discussion.  It should be from Konoe's point of view (without him directly addressing your spoiler-issues), so you can hilight that Genma really does love his son, and is genuinely concerned, but lost.  This makes him slightly more sympathetic as you write him out for the arc, but mostly it makes Konoe sympathetic because we can see some small part of his motivation that establishes him as someone who wants to help (and not someone who thinks that Ranma can/should suffer in Genma's place).

If you don't want that, then I feel you need to find some way for Ranma to observe things that readers will find sympathetic from these other characters, even while Ranma does not (though, this could make him less sympathetic if it seems he's aware but indifferent).  Your millage may vary, of course, and I hope that this is helpful, even if looking back it feels fairly negative.  There's a lot of good writing technique and stlye here, and your English skills are significantly above average; I'm just not feeling the content 100%.

[KLSymph]

Yes, which I have to point out is also the only PoV your story offers so far. ... Again, you're asking your readers to know what you (the author) know, but haven't demonstrated in the story. ... In all cases, we're still limited by what you SHOW us, regardless of what the content of your story IS. ... I know all of this from a writer perspective, but this is from the PoV of someone who's only read the story (not your commentary on it).

Absolutely so. I think we might be miscommunicating a little. When I point out that character X might have some mysterious hidden reason, I'm not saying that you the reader should be reading my mind at the moment you read that character's action. Rather, I'm suggesting that instead of settling in on the first impression, you should let your imagination wander a little bit, asking yourself why this character might be doing this instead of focusing on the most obvious answer, as a general rule for this story. Part of the intended entertainment value of my story is this guessing minigame, and while it's completely legitimate for a reader to only read the story for the stuff on the page, I think keeping an open mind will lead to a better reading experience.

And on a less idealistic level, I want readers to keep an open mind because then their suspension of disbelief will hold up easier. If you assume the obvious and stick to that impression too tightly, a lot of the plot points later will seem on the other side of the believability line. I want to forestall angry yelling.

In the meantime, you certainly should make conclusions based on what you know at that moment. For all you know, your conclusion might be correct, and even if they're not, you need the evidence I give you to come up with the right one. I do understand this, and I'll show you the evidence that a particular character is sympathetic just as I've given you evidence he's not... at the right time, of course. Besides, I certainly won't write every character this way since as you point out that's aggravating to the reader. I just want to create the expectation that you might have to change a judgment. Nothing against you personally, Brian, but in my experience there are always some subset of an audience who don't like to be surprised this way, and since you and Edward already invested time into reading my story, I wanted to give some sort of fair warning to you and anybody else who happens across this commentary. Sure, not everybody will read these comments, but I felt I should at least make the effort to those who critique my story. In the end, what I say here doesn't add anything to the story that the story won't have itself later, but later can be a long ways distant.

I admit I might be belaboring the antagonism at this stage in the story, but as you noticed it is there to give Ranma some level of sympathy, and while not every character will be so obstructive to the protagonist, there is a definite subtheme of antagonism against (and from!) Ranma in this story, one above and beyond the natural level for all protagonists. But even then, there are definitely people who are on Ranma's side, and not just those who start antagonistic and change. Some characters in this story genuinely like Ranma and support him from the moment the reader meets them. It probably won't shock you to know they... have their own problems.

But to clearly answer your point: your negative reader impression of the characters are what I expected, and what I intended by writing the viewpoint this way. If you thought the characters seemed natural and realistic, although horrible, then I haven't lost control of the story. Now, if you thought any of the characters seemed fake, then I've definitely lost my way and need to be told immediately.

Yes-and-no.  This is up to a question of taste as far as what the author wants to write, and what the reader wants to read.

Indeed as you say, it depends.  For me, I'd say that dramatic tension and surprise is a must for the first reading, and for the second reading or a reader who got spoiled on the plot, the entertainment comes from seeing how everything fits together. So I guess I'm especially focused on making everything hard to predict.

I'm sorry to say, but I sincerely doubt it at this point.

I designed this story more for my personal practice at complicated characterization and plotting than for mass appeal, so I expect that from a lot of people. Don't be sorry that you don't care for it right now. As much as I try to write the story as best I can, I think you'd be better off waiting for me to write the entire thing and then revise it as a whole before reading it for enjoyment. From experience, I think that's the right way to write stories in general, especially by someone with only limited skill like myself. But then, who knows when such a completed version will come? I've already rewritten this story from scratch five times! Ah, what a hobby this is.

Really, if this is about exploring Ranma's character, I think you're going about it from the wrong angle.  We shouldn't be seeing this through Ranma's eyes; we should be seeing it from the eyes of absolutely everyone else.

There are good arguments that Ranma is not the best viewpoint for a story about exploring his character in the abstract, but after thinking about it for the last three years, I've concluded (miserably) that for this specific story, using another character's viewpoint wouldn't work. Most of those reasons have plot significance, so I can't really go into them, but one obvious reason is that using another character separates him from Ranma's thought processes, which I believe is vital to the story.

I've never seriously considered any viewpoint other than third-person limited, which is the best for keeping a connection between reader and viewpoint character. I know that any writer will immediately say, "Separating the reader from Ranma's thoughts is the point, because people usually can't see themselves objectively so exploring Ranma through his own viewpoint is flawed." True, but the conceit of exploring Ranma through another character requires that another character, or collection of viewpoint characters, come to understand Ranma within the span of the story. As the story progresses, you'll find that this requirement is... hard to achieve. As flawed as Ranma's self-understanding is, he does better than other people at understanding his own motivations, and this dissonance fuels a lot of the drama of the story. There is no guarantee that any characters come to even a moderate understanding of his character, and I'm surely being annoying by writing a story like this, but at the moment I don't see readers doing better. It's within Ranma's character concept that he shuts people out that much (what could his reason be?).  By keeping the story in Ranma's viewpoint, I can write a story that doesn't require characters to understand him.

That's a plot-based reason. A theme-based reason is I avoid giving the reader a prepackaged understanding of Ranma. This is a benefit to Ranma's self-understanding being warped by his own viewpoint. If I explore his character via someone else, there's that expectation that the exploration is more objective. Ranma's filters are expected to be wholly subjective, so I avoid giving the reader an easy answer. The reader has to figure it out himself at all times, which I think is entertaining in a different, maybe more irritating, but reasonable way. Besides, because every character has assumptions, if I gave readers another character's understanding of Ranma, I'd be obligated to make that understanding somehow wrong based on those assumptions for consistency's sake. Nobody knows anyone else that well.

And if you're interested in one more reason for centering the viewpoint on Ranma, he's guaranteed to be in more of the relevant scenes than any other single character. Giving the viewpoint to someone else means I'll inevitably give it to more than one other character, which dilutes reader connection to all the viewpoint characters. Maybe I'll have to pass the POV around later on in the story, but it's not usually good for my story, and it's especially bad at the beginning, because readers expect aspects of the story present in the beginning to be standard. Antagonism toward Ranma, maybe not at this level, is ongoing in the story so I'm fine with putting that in the first scene. Non-Ranma POV, not so much.

The trick is making sure that Ranma is sympathetic in this environment, but the key to that is Genma and Konoe's first discussion.  It should be from Konoe's point of view (without him directly addressing your spoiler-issues), so you can hilight that Genma really does love his son, and is genuinely concerned, but lost.  This makes him slightly more sympathetic as you write him out for the arc, but mostly it makes Konoe sympathetic because we can see some small part of his motivation that establishes him as someone who wants to help (and not someone who thinks that Ranma can/should suffer in Genma's place).

Yes, I can write it this way, but this creates a kind of sympathy that I'm not shooting for. Yes, I want characters to be sympathetic, but I don't want to do it through sharing viewpoint. Compared to the sympathy that comes from the reader thinking about why a character does what he does and whether he should be sympathetic, the sympathy from sharing a viewpoint with the character is too easy, and easy not the point of the story, as you probably already figured. On a less author-is-a-jerk level, it would be unfair for the viewpoint character to be extra sympathetic based on viewpoint advantage which other people don't have. The one person I can justify for this advantage is the main character, as his viewpoint is understood to be the most relevant to the story, and I have full freedom to undermine the advantage by making him hard to sympathize with.

If you don't want that, then I feel you need to find some way for Ranma to observe things that readers will find sympathetic from these other characters, even while Ranma does not (though, this could make him less sympathetic if it seems he's aware but indifferent).

Yes, and I will definitely do so in the proper time, in a way that is consistent with the characters.

Your millage may vary, of course, and I hope that this is helpful, even if looking back it feels fairly negative.  There's a lot of good writing technique and stlye here, and your English skills are significantly above average; I'm just not feeling the content 100%.

Your feedback is very helpful. From Edward's comments, I reevaluated where I was going and wrote a second version of my next episode, dialing down the level of Ranma-as-asshat ahead of schedule. I'll reevaluate the other characters actions as well based on your input. I don't know if changes will show up in the next episode, as it's been finalized already, but I'll see what I can do.

[KLSymph]

Warning: if you didn't believe me when I said this story differs from the canon of each series it crosses with, you'll have to now.

************************************************************

No.

No, that was too much.  He shouldn't have mutilating that kid, and he definitely shouldn't have fought the others. Today was only the second day of school.  By mid-month, he'd be burning down the school.

But what could he do for balance?

Maybe he should talk to Konoe.  Konoe would help him, since that was the old man's part in the deal his dad made.

Ranma considered that.  No, Konoe had other motives, and Ranma knew that the old man wasn't all charity.  As long as he mistrusted Konoe's motives, he couldn't take Konoe's advice, and he had no time to figure out Konoe right now.

His teachers couldn't control the other students, so Ranma couldn't count on their help.  That left one person he could go to.

Takamichi Takahata stared at Ranma's reddened knuckles. "What did you do?"

Ranma continued massaging the top of his head, which by this point in the afternoon still hurt a twinge.  "Some kids started a fight in school."

He couldn't blame Takamichi for glaring like a guard dog on the other side of a flimsy fence, since no teacher wanted this conversation.

"Yes," said Takamichi.  Ranma felt the man couldn't find something else to say, which was fine because Ranma didn't want to talk about it.

Ranma lowered his hand from his head and instead started tapping those red knuckles as he stood there, not caring that they wouldn't return to normal color if he did that. Tapping his knuckles had become a habit today; nobody bothered him when he did it.

"Anyway," Ranma said before Takamichi could think too much, "I need your help.  I need to find something nice to do."

"Nice to do?"  Takamichi frowned in confusion, as Ranma expected.  "Like what?"

"Something compassionate.  Altruistic.  If you want a different word, I'll find a thesaurus."

"No, that's fine.  Why do you want something like that?"

Ranma answered with what he thought was most understandable, if not most believable.  "I broke some guy's arm, and now I want to ease my guilty conscience."

His choice was rewarded, as Takamichi probably didn't even hear the second half.  "You did what?!"

Hmm.  How to justify this?  "I had a headache," said Ranma. "and they were bothering me."

Okay, that didn't justify much, but Ranma figured he could wring this excuse for extra guilt credibility.

"You broke a kid's arm because you had a headache?"

"Yeah, it was sad that him and his friends came at me with weapons, and ended up crying so much.  Supposedly they were coming back from being suspended, and they were having an argument with the student committee.  I didn't listen to the entire explanation, but the kids they were arguing with spoke up for me when the teachers came and broke up the huge cryfest, and the teachers decided I was defending myself."

To the school, he was defending himself.  Ranma didn't agree, and found that interpretation suspicious given how much overkill he used, but by this point he suspected his teachers would side with him no matter what he did.

He also wondered if the students who spoke up for him supported him, or just hated the people he beat up.  Either way, they avoided him.

"I know I'm not the one to punish you," said Takamichi, and Ranma could see the teacher's instincts struggling with what was probably Konoe's personal order, "but even if the school decided you were defending yourself, couldn't you have been gentler about it?  Breaking an elbow takes months to heal."

Ranma shrugged.

Takamichi observed Ranma's indifference.  "Have you tried to make amends toward the student you hurt?"

"No," said Ranma without the slightest remorse for the kid who attacked him.  "Why would I?"

That made Takamichi sigh, as if Ranma's response was just as he imagined it would be.  "Yes, well, somehow I don't believe guilty conscience is the real reason you want to do something nice."

Oh well, Ranma thought, it was a fake-sounding excuse anyway.  "Wait, I got another one."

Takamichi relaxed, as if Ranma's previous reason had put him on edge.  "Okay, I'm listening."

Ranma took a deep breath.  "I need money."

Takamichi didn't frown at this excuse.  Ranma thought that reaction was promising.  "I heard your father sends you an allowance."

"It's not enough to buy everything I need.  I can't make food in the apartment Konoe gave me because the place doesn't have a working stove, and I don't know many recipes that use a rice cooker."

A faint smile appeared on Takamichi's face, which Ranma took as a sign this excuse was indeed more plausible than the last one.  "Hmm, really?  So you're not eating much besides rice?"

"No, I can make stuff like stews with a rice cooker, so it's not like I'm starving, but that gets boring.  The five thousand yen from my allowance isn't going to cover restaurants, not if I want to buy anything else."

Takamichi thought about that.  "Can't you cook outside?"

Ranma frowned.  "If I was going to cook outside, why am I living indoors in the first place?"  He looked away.  "Also, the first day neighbors got pissed about the campfire, saying it's illegal.  A regular stove is like thirty-five thousand yen, and I'm not waiting that many months for something to cook on.  Right now the only resource I have is time, and I want to exchange time for other things."

"The principal," said Takamichi with a lecturing drone, "wants you to spend time with others your age, have fun, and be like a normal kid.  Why not do that, and then when you've shown you're doing what he wants, ask him to help you?"

"Because I'm not going to beg," said Ranma, not even bothering to think the advice through.  "If I'm doing something for money, then I'm earning it.  It's degrading for me to act good and hope Konoe rewards me.  More importantly, I'm not going to leave him to decide whether he'll reward me or not."

Takamichi looked like he wanted to say something to that, but he changed the subject.  "So you want to ask me for a job? Why me?"

"You've been nice to me since I met you," said Ranma.  "I don't think Konoe would put you near me unless he thinks that I'll warm up to whoever played the nice guy while he continued setting down the rules and attracting my irritation.  If that's the game we're playing, then you might as well do your part and help me."

Takamichi looked hurt at that analysis.  "That's too cynical for someone your age."

He didn't deny it though.  Ranma smirked.  "I know Konoe. Besides, I've done stuff to annoy Konoe but nothing to make you like me, so is it hard to believe you being nice is suspicious?"

That simple reason left Takamichi without a comeback.  "I can have you grade papers," he said instead.

"No, no, that's boring.  I want a job that accomplishes something."

Takamichi stared at him, puzzled by that requirement.  It didn't make sense if what he needed was money.  "Then what do you want to do?"

"Oh come on, I know you Mahora people have stuff that needs to be done.  Stuff that you can't let other people know about."

Takamichi fell silent.

"Look," said Ranma.  "Konoe did tell you why he wants me around, right?"

"Not very much."

"Huh."  Ranma found it strange that Konoe would have Takamichi supervise him, yet not brief Takamichi that far. "That makes the explanation longer.  First of all, you can tell I'm different from most people because I had us meet here."

Takamichi looked down over the edge of the roof they were standing on.  "Yes, and since you brought up the subject, why are we meeting up here?"

Four stories below the shopping district building where they stood, many people were clustered around the street watching a balloon parade go by.  From the parade, festive J-Pop music floated up, but Ranma had ignored that cacophony so far and he continued doing so now.

No, something else had been holding his peripheral attention for a while now.

"For two reasons," said Ranma, "and if everything had worked out, I won't have to explain either of them.  Too bad you take so long to talk to."

A hand reached over the edge of the roof from below.

Ranma rubbed the top of his head.  "But anyway, here's reason one."

In hindsight, he might've avoided this meeting by not standing where everybody could look up and see him.

But no, if this girl had enough drive to climb a building then she would've searched the rooftops anyway.  Since Takamichi would tell Konoe that Ranma wanted to meet, and Konoe would probably tell her where Ranma was, Ranma knew this confrontation was unavoidable.  At least standing on the edge of the roof, he could see her coming.

"I found you!" said Hairbows as she climbed up to the roof. She was huffing, and Ranma thought her performance was unimpressive until he saw her cradling a large blob of gauze bandage where her right hand should be.

Heh.  So that's why she had such a hard time.  Well, if hitting him busted her hand, then all's fair.

"What do you want?" Ranma said to her.

Hairbows stomped up to where Ranma was standing but before Ranma could back out of swinging girl-fist range, she said, "I came here to apologize."

Maybe because he got a punch in the head for using this same approach, the surprise Ranma felt was muted by his caution. "Really?"

"Yes," said the girl with eyes downcast and face contrite. "I was wrong to hit you.  I should've controlled myself."

And then she clenched her shoulders and bowed in front of him, and this time Ranma felt the surprise more clearly.

A long time passed before she looked up at him, eyes wide with her own amazement.  "So," she said, "I guess you're not going to hit me back."

"Of course not," said Ranma, because if she sincerely wanted to apologize then he could be nicer about it.  "If I was going to hit you," he said, "what difference does bowing make?"

The girl's amazed expression promptly flattened.  Yes, Ranma could be nicer, but niceness was relative, and even if Konoe said Ranma knew her, Ranma planned on treating her like a stranger.  Like-a-stranger meant--well, a little better than like-a-stranger meant he wouldn't hold what she did in the past against her.  "Okay," he said.  "It's fine.  Forget about it."

But a mere apology didn't earn casual talk.  "So is that all?"

Hairbows pulled a large paper note with "challenge" scribbled on it from her pocket.  Ranma stared as she extended it.  "Why are you challenging me?"

"So you really don't remember after all," said Hairbows, now frowning again just a bit, "even though you said you did?"

Ranma started frowning too.  "Do you know how many families I've insulted or pissed off?  Who are you, and what makes you special?"

The girl stood straight and proud.  "I am Nanoha Takamachi of the Mikami Fuwa small-sword school!"

At that pronouncement, Ranma's face smoothed of all expression, and he turned to Takamichi.

Takamichi shrugged and said, "No relation, just similar names."

That hadn't even occurred to Ranma, but maybe Takamichi got the question a lot.  "No, I was going to ask if you ever heard of them."

Takamichi noted the twitch on Hairbow's--

Ranma crossed out the temporary label from under the picture on his mental board and wrote "Nanoha" there instead.

--Nanoha's forehead.  "Martial arts schools aren't my field. I'm just a lowly English teacher."

Ranma turned back to Nanoha, and to complement the bored look that must've been on his face, he let the challenge letter fall from his hand onto the roof--no, the wind blew it over the edge.

Nanoha's shoulders hadn't loosened since bowing, but now they were clenched for another reason.  "I thought maybe you had gotten nicer over the years," she said, "but now I can tell you haven't changed one bit.  If I knew that you were making fun of me yesterday, I wouldn't have stopped after the first punch."

"Even after you messed up your hand?" said Ranma.  She should've figured he hadn't become nicer after seeing or hearing about the fight at school, but he kept that thought to himself.

Nanoha reached behind her with her good hand.  "Well," she said, "it's good I'm from a two-sword school."  And saying that, she pulled out a single small-sword.

Ranma glanced at the polished metal of that curving blade. Well.  She certainly looked serious.

But before he could reply, Takamichi jumped to full alert.

"Hey, now I draw the line right there!"

Nanoha must've been very focused on Ranma, because she seemed to see for the first time Takamichi standing nearby. The shock on her face made Ranma think she just took a punch to the gut.  "Mister Takahata!  Umm, I was--"

"Nanoha, put the sword down.  If Ranma doesn't want to fight, the principal will definitely not let you off if you force the issue, and you'll only make your father more angry."

Takamichi said it in a slow and steady voice, as if the sword was a real danger.  Ranma could see that it had no edge, so it was a blunt replica for training.  As this Nanoha girl said, she was here to challenge him, not cut him to death.

"That's unfair!" said Nanoha.  "Why do I get punished for fighting while he can go around doing whatever he wants?"

"Because Konoe has no leverage on me," said Ranma, ignoring the irony of hearing that question in favor of wondering if she knew about his fight today after all.

"Because we punished him preemptively," said Takamichi just a second later.  Ranma turned to glare at him, but Takamichi accepted the look without flinching.  "She's at your school as punishment.  You started at the bottom."

"Fine."  Ranma wanted to scoff, but he pushed that subject aside.  "But Takamichi, don't stop this."

In response, Takamichi became all teacher.  "It's one thing that the principal told me not to get between you two if you squabble, something else if you pull weapons right in front of me."

"If she only brought a blunt sword then she's obviously not here to hurt me."

"Don't take me so lightly.  You think I can't hurt you with a blunt sword?" said Nanoha.

Ranma wanted to ignore her, but thought better of it.  "I don't intend to take you seriously," he said to Nanoha. "Whatever your problem is with me, it's so far in the past that I don't even remember it.  And you think I'm going to accept a challenge from a kid like you?"

Nanoha stepped forward with her sword half-raised.  "You insult me, and you expect me to leave without fighting?"

"I try not to live my life caring what other people do," said Ranma.  He turned to Takamichi.  "Here's reason two."

Nanoha managed to slip a "what" from her mouth, and by that time Ranma had sprinted across the roof and leapt off the edge onto the next building over.

That girl was shouting something.  Ranma turned his head back, and saw with small annoyance that Nanoha was already jumping to the same roof wearing a most peeved look on her face.  Dealing with Takamichi would have to wait.  He started running.

Unlike the previous building's flat roof this one slanted sharply, but Ranma could still run along the narrow apex. He knew from the footsteps behind him that Nanoha was being a bit less confident, or maybe less reckless.

At least this was a good day for running on the roof.  The sunny afternoon made it easy to see where he was going and the early spring wind kept his head cool, which eased the wooziness of his headache that was starting again from the movement.

But even a headache should be fine.  He had used his time waiting for Takamichi planning where to go in case he had to escape.  Instead of running to the edge of the building, Ranma slid down one side of the slanted roof, and the extra speed allowed him to jump across to yet another building, grabbing onto the edge of a balcony instead of falling three stories to the ground.

Ow.  That maneuver messed up his insides more than it should have.  It wouldn't make him run much slower than he was already, but even with an escape route he couldn't do any fancy tricks.

Behind him, he saw Nanoha glaring from the previous rooftop as he pulled himself onto the balcony.  The customers eating there looked surprised, but he ignored them as he entered the restaurant and ran through it into the building's atrium.  A shopping center or something, but Ranma didn't stop to take in the details.  All he saw as he moved were walls and people--the obstacles.  He ignored the irrelevant things, because for all he knew Nanoha might be right behind him.

He got to the elevators... he wasn't going to wait for an elevator.  The nearby staircase was what he needed, and though Ranma would've usually jumped down in his hurry, he didn't want the pain in his stomach any worse than it was, so he settled for half-stumbling down the stairs.  If he got to the street, then he could blend into the crowd.

The exit was in sight from the staircase, and Ranma burst through the front door of the building.  He clipped Nanoha on the way out in his hurry, throwing her onto the sidewalk outside and messing up the job she did bandaging her hand.

Despite his hurry, he wasn't going to leave without helping up a girl he knocked down no matter who she was, so when Nanoha gawked at the stupidity of him stopping to haul her up, Ranma shrugged before running off again.

He knew better than anyone how wrong his priorities could sometimes be.

From the footsteps again, he knew it didn't take Nanoha long to collect herself.  She followed him closely, and she knew the streets far better than he did.  He could spot her behind him every so often exploiting small shortcuts while he followed the turns of the streets, and while that didn't help her much, it kept her in the chase.

Too bad with the girl right behind him, he couldn't meld with the parade watchers because of his uniform's dark color, and Nanoha's eyes were sharp enough eyes to follow him even as he ran through the crowd.  Maybe he should try to counteract that, but he wasn't about to ditch his uniform.  He needed another idea.

The parade watchers were rather tolerant.  This chasing must be common.  All Ranma got were exasperated looks from those who saw him early enough to step aside as he ran past.

Ranma considered turning into the alleys instead of continuing down the busy streets, but... no, the pedestrians hindered Nanoha more than him.  She had an honest and straightforward approach of just chasing him down... or maybe she wasn't too imaginative.

Well, he wasn't being imaginative either.

What could he use?  While he wasn't limping, he wasn't in top shape.  He didn't want to chance running into someone in the crowd of pedestrians or something in the fast-moving traffic.  That wasn't a big deal for him, but he might get people hurt... or get Nanoha hurt, since she didn't seem to run as skillfully.

Too bad they were already pushing through the thick crowd gathered to watch that balloon parade.

Ranma sneaked a look over his shoulder, and saw the girl falling behind.  All the jostling and her attempts to nudge people aside were making her bandages fall apart in bundles, and Ranma saw Nanoha look down at her hand.

Hmm.

He couldn't take credit for this opportunity, but using it seemed proper.

In the moment that Nanoha's attention was diverted, he ducked through the crowd along the sidewalk and into the doorway of a nearby building.

He couldn't hear if she cried out in disbelief, but he amused himself imagining Nanoha did so while he waited to see if she would find him.

She didn't show up, and after standing there for a while, Ranma relaxed.

What was her name?  Nanoha Takamachi?  Ranma remembered Old Man Konoe making a big deal yesterday after she ran from his office.  "She was transferred to the same school as you," Konoe had said as Ranma got up and felt the bump on his head, "for fighting too much here in the girls' academy.  I think it might've been because we took her from her home and from her old friends when we accepted her to this boarding school after... well, you know."

And Ranma had replied with pained contempt, "Am I supposed to feel sorry for the poor little girl?  Boo-fucking-hoo, left her friends.  Am I crying a lake yet?"

Silence fell over them.  "I hoped you would at least sympathize," said Konoe.

"What makes you think I care?  I don't even know her!"

Konoe's old eyebrows rose.  "What?  You said you did!"

"I wanted to get her out of my way."

"But then how did you narrow it down to humiliating her family?"

Ranma snorted.  "Why else do people usually hate me?  Should I narrow it down more by saying she wears clothes?  Has hair?"

This reply seemed to make Konoe worry.  "Then you wouldn't remember that she was brought here because--"

"And why are you telling me this?  Shut up, Konoe!  Did I ask for her life story?"

"You're not even--why aren't you the least bit concerned about this?  Even though it has to do with you?"

"Because I know damn well that if you're this eager to tell me about other people, you're just as eager to tell other people about me!"

Thankfully, Ranma's retort and his stumble from the room ended that topic.

He had been pissed about restraining himself all day, then seeing Nanoha get away after punching him, but after dinner Konoe had promised he'd punish Nanoha.

Ranma changed his mind and demanded that Konoe let her go.

The old man had been surprised, but Ranma thought that if this girl was scarred by something he did years ago, then he could let her hit him for free.  And besides, Ranma figured anybody who held a grudge that long wouldn't give it up just because Konoe punished her.

Ranma sighed and looked around the building he had darted into.

Oh, hey.  This is a supermarket.

He hadn't had time to walk around Mahora because of all the aching nights he spent in bed, so this was his first time out shopping by himself.  Walking down the aisles of groceries and people, he kept his eyes open for the items his barren new apartment needed.

Foods... appliances... aha!  A electrical portable grill! It was only a single small one instead of the array of four grills that come on a regular stove, so he couldn't cook a large meal's dishes at once, but wow, he had been out of the cities long enough to forget this kind of thing was available.

What a pitiful reminder of this whole living-in-Mahora situation.

Ranma stared at the box that held the grill.  Yes, it was pitiful, but the rest of the situation was just as bad, and at least he could cook more food now.  Maybe there was a sparkle of good fortune inside the mountain of... eh, enough muddling over that.  Now he needed pans.

Ranma bought all the supplies he needed to feed himself for the rest of the week, hefted the large paper sack out the front door of the supermarket, and charged right into Nanoha for the second time that half-hour.

Nanoha was huffing and puffing and red, obviously from searching for him all this time, and after reeling back she glared at him in utter indignation, yelling, "How can you be shopping and eating while I'm trying to find you?"

Ranma continued chewing on the pork bun he bought at the hot foods counter.  Since his mouth was occupied by eating and his hands by carrying his groceries, he put on the biggest I-don't-understand-your-question frown he could make around his bulging mouth.

"Don't give me that look," said Nanoha as she pointed her blunt sword at him, "like you don't get the question!  I've been searching my heart out but you're just eating!"

Ranma spat out the bun.  "Hey screw you!  I haven't eaten since breakfast because the disciplinary council spent all of lunch trying to recruit me!  And I don't know why you're having such a hard time.  The rest of us aren't even breathing hard."

Ranma looked over to the wall, where Takamichi was standing to ensure nobody with a sword got violent.

"You knew I was here?" said Takamichi, probably because he thought he was being unobtrusive as he followed Ranma through the market rather than being ignored.  Ranma wished Takamichi would go follow Nanoha instead, but since Konoe had told Takamichi not to do anything about Nanoha... ah, whatever.  The point was neither he nor Ranma had a problem keeping the pace up.

Nanoha twitched at Takamichi's presence, but she quickly focused back on Ranma, while Takamichi shrugged at their lack of response and returned to his observation without another word.

"I don't need you to lecture me on keeping in shape," said Nanoha.  "I've spent the last three years training to challenge you--"

"To avenge your family's honor, I heard."  Ranma was taller, so he looked down at her.  "You know what?  Just get over it.  Your family's still alive, and what are you?  Thirteen? A girl like you should just live happily and leave hard things to adults."

His words weren't very sympathetic, but Nanoha seemed to get much angrier than she should have.

"How dare you say that?  Do you know what you did?  You broke my brother's arm and he couldn't go back to work for weeks--"

Broke her brother's arm?  Ranma didn't remember that.

Well, he couldn't deny it was something he'd do.

"--he spent all of his time retraining, then got injured again at work from the cut you gave him too!  All because you came out of nowhere and fought him, and you don't even remember!"

"I'd like to point out," said Ranma with arms folded around his groceries, "that just because I don't remember doesn't mean I want to be reminded."

"You did this to him, and you don't care?!"

"In this world, there are some people I don't care about."

And your brother is one of them, Ranma wanted to say.  But he frowned.  "No, wait."

Ranma coughed and started again.

"In this world, there are many people I don't care about."

Nanoha seemed to see the point.  "Fine," she said, "then instead of telling you my reason, let's just fight right here!"

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And a Merry Christmas to all!

[KLSymph]

Ah, January. The busy month.

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Fight?  The idea was funny enough that Ranma had to chuckle. "Why should I?"

"What do you mean, why should you?"  If Ranma squinted, he could almost see faint steam in the air above Nanoha's head. "Just because you don't care," Nanoha said, "it's nothing to do with you?  What you did isn't your fault?"

At that question, Ranma's mind leapt to the legality of dojo challenging, even though he knew Nanoha wasn't talking about that.  Was it technically his fault?  Well, the fault would fall on his parent, so....

"Even if it's my fault," Ranma said straight to the point, "I'm still not fighting you."

Nanoha stood rigid and trembling.  "Why not?  You're fighting all the time, and I know you're not afraid of it."

"I have other things to do," said Ranma, since he had produce and fish to refrigerate.

"Something bad," said Nanoha, "even if you're not lying, but I think you are.  What do you have to do around here?"

He'll have to distract her to get away, Ranma figured.  He glanced at the pork bun he had spat on the ground.  "My next meal isn't going to make itself while I fight you.  Beyond that, I don't see why you should know."

Ranma could see Nanoha struggling to not strangle him.

"Why won't you fight me?  Is it because I'm a girl?"

First, he'll have to get her mind off fighting.  Ranma stopped himself from giving the blunt answer.  "That doesn't making me eager.  Besides, I don't fight because I want to. If you're giving me the choice, I'd rather not."

He sighed.  "And if you're going to fight me, at least wrap up your hand properly first."

Nanoha looked down at her botched bandage job, then back up. "So it's because you think I don't have the skills."

Ha ha, what a leap.  That wasn't the reason, but if that was the reason she wanted to hear, alright.  "Yeah," said Ranma without hiding the humor on his face, "you're not very good."

"Oh really?"  Nanoha lowered her sword to plant that fist on her hip.  "Then at least you can fight me so I can see exactly how much better you are."

Ranma blinked at that.  Did she want revenge or not?  But putting that aside, he saw a chance.  Even if she still wanted to fight, at least her mind wasn't on her brother.

"No," he said.  "I'm not going to fight you."

"Why?  You challenged my family dojo to test your skills, right?  But you won't return the favor?"

"First, challenging dojos wasn't about favors the last time I did it.  Second, I'm not a dojo."

And if he treated her like many dojos treated challengers, that would just anger her more.

Ah, dammit, he had to get out of here.

"Look, if this is just for revenge," he said, "or family honor, or anything like that then there's nothing in this for me when I win."

Ranma watched the girl's reaction.  She had lowered her sword, but now pointed it at him again.

...No, she knew she wasn't going to win, so she didn't react more to that statement.  She wasn't challenging him expecting to win.  She had some other reason.

But... that wasn't his business.  He was going to refuse her, whatever her reasons.

"I do take challenges," said Ranma, "but only real ones. ones where everyone has a purpose they're ready to die for then and there."

Ranma walked up to the girl who wanted so badly to fight him until her sword was up to his chest.  "If you're going to fight me, bring a real sword and something worth fighting for.  Otherwise, be a nice little girl.  Smile more.  Play with friends.  Go home."

The moment those words left his mouth, Ranma wanted to pound his head into a wall.  Why did he give her this speech?  If she trained for years to fight for her family honor or to avenge her brother or something, that answer would only encourage her.  Today was just a bad day.

The quivering blade-tip at his chest dropped, and Nanoha ground her teeth as her eyes went down to her wrapped right hand, then over where Takamichi was standing ready to interfere.  She looked back up at Ranma.  "And if I do that, you'll fight me seriously?"

She was backing off?  Huh.  Ranma forced himself to answer her question.  If he had read the situation correctly, then he should say:

"No."

But before she could start glaring again, he continued.  "If I was fighting for a real purpose, I'd be willing to hurt other people, and I'd fight on the spot.  I wouldn't give my opponents the choice of fighting me."

Ranma nudged the sword away with a finger.  "But even though you came with a weapon, you haven't tried to attack me in all this time.  You're not the kind of person who fights like that, are you?  So I don't think I'll ever fight you seriously."

At that, Nanoha cringed back.  Bullseye.

Ranma turned to Takamichi.  "I'm leaving.  Be a good teacher and get her hand fixed."

And with Takamichi's assurance he would prevent Nanoha from following, Ranma lugged the groceries down the street.

---

He was an idiot, Ranma decided.  That Nanoha girl wouldn't give up, and he totally failed to get anything from Takamichi.  The waste was almost comical.

That idle thought crossed Ranma's mind a few seconds before one of the delinquent cliques came for him before homeroom the next morning.

Ranma thought, really?  After yesterday?  They're still coming?

But he continued walking down the hall as if he hadn't heard their yelled insults from far behind him.

After leaving Nanoha yesterday, and after Takamichi hadn't helped him, he went to Konoe to yell about the crappy school with the idiots bothering him two days in a row.  Konoe told him something about this school, how it lacked funding and manpower, and the teachers concentrated on the smart kids while neglecting everyone else.  The school became a place to put dumb kids who both didn't qualify for the better Mahora schools' scholarships and couldn't afford to buy their way in, so violence was rampant and the school didn't have enough people to control it.

That kind of information he expected from Konoe, who was too busy with old man problems to look deep into middle-schoolers at a different school, and only viewed what little he knew through a bureaucrat's perspective.  Ranma figured out the same superficial impression from going there two days in a row.

Still, superficial didn't mean wrong.  The students probably all either banded for protection or shrank away from all conflict, which explained why everybody in the hallway avoided his eyes.  To the average student, his actions probably looked no better than a common delinquent's.

And that explanation explained why the students from previous years seemed so reluctant to do anything.

The kids behind him continued to yell.  They were still a long distance behind, but catching up.

If he looked over his shoulder, he might glimpse their appearance and make some effort to identify them, but turning his head was... effort.

Konoe gave no specifics about what he called the delinquent cliques--Ranma supposed "gangs" was too high a name--but after thinking about it, Ranma had some guesses why the kids behind him so eagerly confronted him.  First, probably because they were at least smart enough to see him as a threat after he abused Wrinkles, much less the arm-breaking, and they wanted to test his limits.  Second, to preserve their own reputations if he had already fought them.  Third, uhh, Ranma didn't think too hard on the subject.  For all he cared, all of them were noisy and annoying, nothing more.

The kids continued to catch up, cutting through the morning hallway crowd.  The crowd's reaction varied.  Some students before him watched in expectation, while most tried to pretend nothing was happening and discreetly moved to the walls to avoid unfriendly focus.

Well, whatever gets them through the day unharmed, Ranma supposed.  He wasn't asking them for moral support.

Ranma thought for a moment, and decided to continue down the hallway past his homeroom, instead of going in.  Bringing in a confrontation wouldn't help.

The people behind him had to jog to keep up as he approached the stairwell past his homeroom, and after arriving at the stairwell, he finally deigned to stop, turn, and regard his pursuers.

Hmph.  Setting aside their dirtiness and their fistfuls of melee weaponry, the thought that rolled through Ranma's head was: only six?  With the yelling, he thought there were more.

Like his attackers from yesterday, the kids today started brainlessly charging him from a distance and at different distances from Ranma, so they came almost one at a time and couldn't slow down.

So in a cold display of untouchability, Ranma tossed each kid into the stairwell.

---

"Wait," said the girl from the disciplinary council after hearing Ranma's rundown of the morning.  "Your grade's homerooms are all on the ground floor.  If you were just getting to school and going straight to homeroom, how could you possibly throw them down the stairs?"

Ranma stared at that girl, the same one who wasted his lunch period yesterday trying to recruit him and doing the same right now.

His answer was horrible.  "I never said 'down'."

He continued to stare the girl down until her brain reviewed his words and the meaning clicked, and she retreated as if the air around him just froze over.  "Why did you go that far?"

It was a stupid question, so Ranma gave another horrible answer.  "To hurt them."

He meant he wanted to stop their attacks, and throwing someone into the sharp and unyielding stairs had stopping power comparable to breaking his arm.  Compared to crippling, the harshest bruises and soreness were kinder.

Not that Ranma expected today's extra mercy to be much appreciated.

Ranma suddenly wondered how that Nanoha girl would feel, if she knew he beat up these guys but refused her challenge. Would she feel offended?  He had reasons, but nothing much better than because she's a girl, and Ranma couldn't throw a girl into stairs to make her go away... but she probably wouldn't accept that.  She wanted him to fight her seriously, but if he wasn't fighting the cliques at school seriously, he was hardly about to fight Nanoha so.

As he pondered the reactions of one girl, Ranma knew he was missing the reaction from the girl in front of him, but he could guess that she'd find "to hurt them" offensive. Whatever her reaction was, he didn't mind it and instead concentrated on his lunch, which he was eating in the lunchroom regardless of what the kids there thought, or what anybody from a student council subcommittee wanted.

He had made his lunch this morning, and as Ranma chewed on the pieces of fish he fried, he considered the bitterness of charring mixed in.

After all this time, he should be better at this.

"So come on," the girl was saying, though Ranma heard a note of impatience that surely came from how Ranma was ignoring her.  "If you join us, you'll have official support to fight the creeps who are bothering you already, instead of always being watched and judged by the teachers.  And you'll have the chance to help other people just by doing what you're already doing."

"I know," said Ranma.  "You told me yesterday."

Truthfully, Ranma figured the student council wanted him on their side because they didn't want him joining any of the delinquent cliques, or maybe starting one.  Maybe they were shorthanded like the teachers.

This girl didn't give him more reasons for joining, but at least she didn't say anything daft like "offering him protection".  And when he pointed out yesterday how stupid it was to threaten him into joining with "we'll be your enemies if you don't", she stopped.  That put her and the council she represented above the intelligence of most everyone he knew in this school.

And truthfully, joining a club just for official permission to fight was nothing to laugh at.  Joining to help others was exactly the issue that Ranma tried to talk to Takamichi about.  Joining would give him a task to direct his time and energy.

It would probably get him in Konoe's good graces too.

The girl asked, "What do you say?"

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