[Haruhi/Madoka] False Advertising

[Brian]

Can't word-wrap text, so posting this in simple htm.  I ... think it'll work?  Didn't do any formatting.

Won't cry if Kyubei gets mangled, though.  Anyway:

This here is just the prologue.

Okay.  The opening is mostly centered around the Haruhi half of things.  And ... I'm not really satisfied with Homura's 'voice', so advice on that would be appreciated before I move forward, as the next chapter's going to have a lot more of her in it.

Edit: Updated prologue (again), added chapter one.

[Olvelsper]

So, my first question.

Are you going with the theory that the anime five timelines are it? Or are you going with infinite runs before the anime's last go around ended it all?

Homura gets more leeway in terms of development if the first theory (just got to shock her enough). Really hard to make her anything than a tactical monster that dissects her surroundings if the latter. Making her a slider gets around the snarl in that Haruhi and Madokami can't both be the most important person in the world as well, and works with what we see in all the various versions of the Madoka series.

Incubators, were they dragged into the world with Homura as the vanguard? Or will you make them natives. If the latter, you have to come up with a reason why no one else has seen them mess with human history from day one.

Or toss that idea out if it's displeasing.

Also, if the Incubators are native, it says something kind of bad if Haruhi allows them to be around. Or maybe something realistic.

Going off the esper's theories, things happen because Haruhi just sort of expects them to work in certain ways. Incubators seem to work off the basis that there's no such thing as a free meal (get your heart's desire and then you die for the universe) so that might reflect a bit of Haruhi's pessimism.

Entropy, is this a problem in Haruhi-world? Haruhi herself seems to be a force that can create some sort of self perpetual engine for her world if you go with the Time Traveler/Data Eldritch Horror Team's theories.

[Brian]

So, my first question.

Are you going with the theory that the anime five timelines are it? Or are you going with infinite runs before the anime's last go around ended it all?

I'm thinking in the neighborhood of a mere dozen iterations, so Homura's hardened, but not impenetrable.  We do see her shell crack in the last run in the anime (then again, I suppose that could be argued to be because she knows it's her last run, I dunno...).  But, only going with a dozen or so loops before this point for this story.

I'd like to cast her initially as very logical and hardened, mostly annoyed by the change in setting.

Homura gets more leeway in terms of development if the first theory (just got to shock her enough). Really hard to make her anything than a tactical monster that dissects her surroundings if the latter. Making her a slider gets around the snarl in that Haruhi and Madokami can't both be the most important person in the world as well, and works with what we see in all the various versions of the Madoka series.

Incubators, were they dragged into the world with Homura as the vanguard? Or will you make them natives. If the latter, you have to come up with a reason why no one else has seen them mess with human history from day one.

The entire cast of Madoka is present, unaware of the setting change (except for Homura).  The incubators aren't native, but from their perspective, they've always been there (Haruhi edited their timeline in, effectively).  I'm trying to write the story only from Haruhi and Homura's PoVs, so some things may not be clear until then end (and that's an issue, too). :x

At any rate.  Fusing the worlds does raise issues with Haruhi and Madokami, and they will be addressed.

But at this point, more would be spoilers. >_>

Or toss that idea out if it's displeasing.

Also, if the Incubators are native, it says something kind of bad if Haruhi allows them to be around. Or maybe something realistic.

Going off the esper's theories, things happen because Haruhi just sort of expects them to work in certain ways. Incubators seem to work off the basis that there's no such thing as a free meal (get your heart's desire and then you die for the universe) so that might reflect a bit of Haruhi's pessimism.

Entropy, is this a problem in Haruhi-world? Haruhi herself seems to be a force that can create some sort of self perpetual engine for her world if you go with the Time Traveler/Data Eldritch Horror Team's theories.

Well, Haruhi doesn't usually tend to think those things through, so it was a somewhat careless merge....

You raise interesting points about a world where Haruhi's mind allows Kyubei to roam free. :p

But that ... is omake territory. ^_^

[thepanda]

At the food of my bed <- Should be foot.

I'd have to read more of your Homuhomu voice before I could comment. I'm really more interested in how your take on QB goes. I keep seeing so many people get that wrong.

[Halbarad]

Hokay, here goes.

but somehow, starting a second year and getting not a single applicant to join our club....

and getting not seems kind of awkward wording here. It's technically correct, but it sounds a little stilted and stuffy.

"Tell me what you think time travelers are like?"

This seems like a bit of a non sequitur. I understand Haruhi's trying to lead up to it ("but do they really understand the unusual things" etc.) but given what we've seen of her internal monologue so far, it still feels like the question is coming out of almost nowhere.

I wish I could harness that rare motivation that actually turns him into an impressive speaker for the brigade's use

Misplaced modifier here. He's an impressive speaker for the brigade's use when he gets fired up?

I'd also break the sentence after that and turn the second half into a separate one.

it would never effect the you from this history,

effect -> affect


The tone shift for Homura looks good from the first draft I saw, although the scene with her feels a little short. Not sure exactly how to flesh it out more though.

[Brian]

At the food of my bed <- Should be foot.

Ah, thanks -- missed quite a few other words in the same area.

I'd have to read more of your Homuhomu voice before I could comment. I'm really more interested in how your take on QB goes. I keep seeing so many people get that wrong.

Well, hopefully I can get both of those right.... :p

and getting not seems kind of awkward wording here. It's technically correct, but it sounds a little stilted and stuffy.

Oops, I think that was accidental on my part.  I'll rearrange 'not' and 'getting'.

This seems like a bit of a non sequitur. I understand Haruhi's trying to lead up to it ("but do they really understand the unusual things" etc.) but given what we've seen of her internal monologue so far, it still feels like the question is coming out of almost nowhere.

Yeah, that's true.  I expanded on that very slightly:

But if I never try, I can never succeed.  They're my friends, but do they really understand the unusual things that we haven't spent nearly enough time lately searching for?

     I could ask Kyon about it, but his ideas are all messed up -- he once joked that the other members were an alien, a time traveler, and an esper.  What does he even think we'd be looking for, if he'd stop at them?  If he can't give a more satisfactory or intriguing answer, then maybe I _should_ break off on my own.

     "Kyon," I prompt, breaking him from whatever he's doing on the laptop.  Just as I start to wonder what that is -- if he's hiding something -- he leans back in his chair, not at all concerned about concealing the screen.

     "What's up, Haruhi?" he asks, looking at me curiously.

     "Tell me what you think time travelers are like!" I demand.

Also, good placement for what will be a critical call-back in a later chapter (thanks for that suggestion, by the way)! :D

I wish I could harness that rare motivation that actually turns him into an impressive speaker for the brigade's use

Misplaced modifier here. He's an impressive speaker for the brigade's use when he gets fired up?

I'd also break the sentence after that and turn the second half into a separate one.

Yeah, that was very clumsy, in retrospect:

I wish I could harness that rare motivation that actually turns him into an impressive speaker, but he doesn't even seem to realize he's _doing_ it.  That energy would be better spent helping the brigade instead of sitting idle, but I've only seen Kyon actually bring it out a few times; I don't really know what it is that gets him fired up enough to do it.  I'll figure it out one of these days, but for the moment, it happens so rarely I just listen.

effect -> affect

Oh, dang, I always do that. :x

The tone shift for Homura looks good from the first draft I saw, although the scene with her feels a little short. Not sure exactly how to flesh it out more though.

I don't think I can add much to the prologue, either, without wandering into chapter one territory.  Okay!

Time to start working on that, then. :p

Thanks for the feedback, guys. :)

[Brian]

Wise fwom youw gwave~!

Chapter one is now up.

[Grahf]

Feels like it's been forever since I offered commentary on anything ... oh well. Hope this is useful at least.

Spoiler: ShowHide

That much is true of all the scenery, though. He family members are still the same

Guessing that He should be The.

To willing to trust.

I know that either to or too work in this case, but changing it to 'too' would help keep symmetry with the previous and forthcoming comments.

As for the content itself. I guess that since I haven't watched Madoka I can't really comment on those elements to a great extent, even though through osmosis I've somehow managed to pretty much be aware of the entirety of the plot and the characters. From what I do know just on the surface I would say that you've portrayed Homura pretty accurately as a girl who has been hardened, but isn't without regrets or wants regardless of how hard she denies them.

Haruhi seems to be in character here, since she's had a lot of development, more than enough to not just push forward and make a contract despite Mami's warnings. It was nice seeing her excitement tempered against the idea of her or others getting hurt.

I am curious to see where you're going with this, especially if, as you say, it's going to lean more towards the stylings of Madoka more than Haruhi. Dark times ahead perhaps, although with the rest of the gang there, perhaps not as dark as people would fear. I guess it all depends.

[Brian]

Feels like it's been forever since I offered commentary on anything ... oh well. Hope this is useful at least.

Thanks for the comments, Grahf. :)

Spoiler: ShowHide

That much is true of all the scenery, though. He family members are still the same

Guessing that He should be The.

Oops -- 'her', actually.

To willing to trust.

I know that either to or too work in this case, but changing it to 'too' would help keep symmetry with the previous and forthcoming comments.

Yep, typo.

As for the content itself. I guess that since I haven't watched Madoka I can't really comment on those elements to a great extent, even though through osmosis I've somehow managed to pretty much be aware of the entirety of the plot and the characters. From what I do know just on the surface I would say that you've portrayed Homura pretty accurately as a girl who has been hardened, but isn't without regrets or wants regardless of how hard she denies them.

Haruhi seems to be in character here, since she's had a lot of development, more than enough to not just push forward and make a contract despite Mami's warnings. It was nice seeing her excitement tempered against the idea of her or others getting hurt.

Okay, those parts sound like I pulled them off the way I wanted to.  Great!

I am curious to see where you're going with this, especially if, as you say, it's going to lean more towards the stylings of Madoka more than Haruhi. Dark times ahead perhaps, although with the rest of the gang there, perhaps not as dark as people would fear. I guess it all depends.

Hopefully I can pull it off; thanks again for taking the time to comment. :)

[Arakawa]

Spoiler: ShowHide

supresses this poor little creature!

Should be "suppresses"?

No television or anime sequence captures the idea of how it works, how that middle school girl's costume transforms into the cutest battle costume I could imagine. She is so moe! If I weren't stunned and overwhelmed with all of this awesome stuff happening so suddenly, I would be grabbing onto her in a heartbeat!

^_^;;;

Haruhi acting like this over Mami-senpai's cuteness is... meta-cute, I guess?

leaving us standing somewhere else the dark upper floor of the mall.

Somewhere else 'in' or 'on'?

we can also sense one-another, to.

"too". EDIT: come to think of it, redundancy between "also" and "too".

They have a good sense for people close to despair -- people easy to kill, to let familiars spawn into whole witches on their own.

That's a bit confusing... it seems to imply witches have an interest in graduating their familiars? There's some in-canon mention that familiars usually "escape" as part of the growing up process, I think, which seems to contradict that idea?

I think either I misunderstand canon, or it's just that the way the text after the comma relates to what came before is unclear and I'm reading something unintended into the sentence.

magical girl's outfit inspired by a waitress's uniform?

As a mild suggestion, not sure: I can see Homura calling it a 'cosplay' or somesuch to make a categorical distinction between real magical girl outfits that you summon and dismiss, and the fake kind that you hang up on a costume rack at the end of the day.

the best idea is to keep it to myself until I'm a magical girl, myself.

Not sure -- repetition might actually work well here -- but as an alternative, "keep quiet about it" rather than "keep it to myself".

All in all, nice to see this fic back from the graveyard.

[Brian]

Spoiler: ShowHide

supresses this poor little creature!

Should be "suppresses"?

Probably.  I think I forgot to run spellcheck.  Well, found another 30ish errors.

I wish my spelling were as good as any of the people I knew who speak English as their second language. :\

Haruhi acting like this over Mami-senpai's cuteness is... meta-cute, I guess?

Meta-cute?  Or recusively cute?

leaving us standing somewhere else the dark upper floor of the mall.

Somewhere else 'in' or 'on'?

On, I think.

we can also sense one-another, to.

"too". EDIT: come to think of it, redundancy between "also" and "too".

Yeah, would have been redundant.  I think I got distracted.  That should have been:

Of course, for good or ill ... we can also sense one-another, to a small extent.

They have a good sense for people close to despair -- people easy to kill, to let familiars spawn into whole witches on their own.

That's a bit confusing... it seems to imply witches have an interest in graduating their familiars? There's some in-canon mention that familiars usually "escape" as part of the growing up process, I think, which seems to contradict that idea?

I think either I misunderstand canon, or it's just that the way the text after the comma relates to what came before is unclear and I'm reading something unintended into the sentence.

Hmmm.  I'm not 100% on that.  They may not keep a close enough eye on the familiars, but I kind of just went with the assumption that they wanted to spread misery, so would work toward that end.  To the wikis!

Well, that didn't help.  I'll assume you're probably right.  I'm not trying to portray Homura as indifferent to that; I like to think she wouldn't let a familiar kill a person just to make another grief seed for her own benefit (though I think Kyouko might).

I don't know if witches can sense Kyubei.  I know I can't, but they may be more sensitive.  They have a good sense for people close to despair -- people easy to kill.  Familiars do as well, which could let them spawn into whole witches on their own.

magical girl's outfit inspired by a waitress's uniform?

As a mild suggestion, not sure: I can see Homura calling it a 'cosplay' or somesuch to make a categorical distinction between real magical girl outfits that you summon and dismiss, and the fake kind that you hang up on a costume rack at the end of the day.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Not sure -- repetition might actually work well here -- but as an alternative, "keep quiet about it" rather than "keep it to myself".

Changed the 'myself' to 'too'.

All in all, nice to see this fic back from the graveyard.

Thanks; I put it on hold to write Sympathy and try to see how well I could capture Haruhi's PoV.  I think I'm in an alright place with it.  Thanks for the feedback!