[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 49

[Brian]

Um....  Rough, late.  Not sure what else to add; this would have been finished on Wednesday, I think if certain distractions in the ECB thread hadn't kept me from focusing. :|

Trying to get back on track....

v 1.1

Changelog:

Spoiler: ShowHide

 Revised Sasaki/Haruhi discussion to make Sasaki more open about things.
Foreshadowed the reasons for Ryouko feeling guilt a bit more.
Various grammar/spelling changes.

[Halbarad]

Corrections in the attachment, as usual. Got a few rough spots, but good overall. =)

[Rogh-sensei]

Was so excited to see this posted, you don't even know.
A couple of notes:

Kyon is Nonoko's brother, not bother. I was forcibly reminded of children's show Olivia.

Maybe it's just me, but Sasaki sounded very much like Koizumi during the exchange about the soup.

Should Haruhi know that Kyon was John Smith after the memory gambit or is that just a keyphrase? ("That symbol I made you draw")

[Brian]

Okay, trying to get to the replies in a timely manner for once:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Corrections in the attachment, as usual. Got a few rough spots, but good overall. =)

Woot!  Great to hear! :D

Okay, here goes (unless commented otherwise, used your grammar suggestions):

"Yuki-chi" seems a bit awkward. I understand she's trying to go more personal than the old "Nagato-chi", but.

Hmm.  I think this was supposed to be a 'chan'.  Or maybe 'nyan'.  Yeah -- that'll fit better for Tsuruya.

No comma needed between 'handsome' and 'taller'. Rule of thumb: if you can switch the order of the adjectives and it still sounds natural, use a comma. If it sounds weird, don't. (e.g. "small red brick/red small brick")

Oops.  I think I may have been going for the 'list of twelve descriptors when every other one of them is the same one' gag (ie., every other descriptor would be 'handsome') and then decided it wasn't a good fit for the scene.  I'm honestly rather apathetic to the matchup, so trying to avoid poking too much fun at it. :x

Nonoko: Koizumi and Kyouko's relationship is boring.

...may fit that in somewhere. >_>

This seems to hint at some darker dealings with the old Organization. Not saying this is bad, but since it's possible foreshadowing I'm just pointing it out in case you want to follow it up later. Possible fuel for the esper ship?

Yeah, a little bit that, a little straight-up remorse/realization of how close Kyouko came to screwing things up with Sasaki forever.

'might' feels a little weak here - I think she just plain -would- like it, myself. Why hedge, it's not like she's committing herself to a relationship here. =P

Fair enough!

I should probably check older chapters for review, but it strikes me that Kyouko should be rather apprehensive around Haruhi, at least based on canon reactions. She's the 'dangerous' holder of the powers, after all, and Kyouko seems like she'd be much more affected by that concern than Kuyou or Fujiwara would be (really, she's the only one that'd worry about it.) If you've already established that she's not, then that's fine, but I don't recall there ever being much interaction between Kyouko and Haruhi before now to fix that one way or the other. Ignore this comment as needed~

I think K:BDH has generally shied away from Haruhi/Kyouko interactions.  They met at the beach, but Kyouko was busy trying to eschew responsibility for Mikuru's kidnapping at the time.

However -- you're right that she should be more apprehensive here.  Also a good chance for her to be reassured by Koizumi's presence/work on the EsperxEsper ship by having her decide if he's so reasonable, she can't be that bad ... though she'd still be a bit nervous.

"Ah, Suzumiya-san!" Sasaki greeted, her face pinking slightly as Kyouko felt the girl's jolt of mild surprise.  When she had a moment to clear her mind and think about things....  The same 'dangerous' and 'unstable' girl that she had been trying to take the power from in the room with Sasaki?  The one she had wanted to give that power to?

     "H...hey," Haruhi returned, nodding, then stepping in.  Kuyou glided smoothly around her, stopping by Sasaki's side, though her gaze was still distant.  "Um," Haruhi started, shaking her head, turning her attention to Kyouko.

     The esper was struck silent, suddenly nervous.  Was Haruhi going to be upset with her for her involvement?  She suddenly wished for Koizumi's reassuring presence again, and clung to that thought like a lifeline.  If Haruhi were even a fraction as reasonable as the other esper, surely Kyouko wouldn't have anything to be afraid of?

     After a moment, Kyouko realized that the other girl was searching for something to say -- she probably still resented Kyouko's involvement in things, after all....  The esper hunched into herself slightly, and Haruhi quickly shook her head, turning her gaze out the darkened window.

Repetition of 'took' here. Maybe 'selected' for one of them instead?

Oh, right.  How about 'chose'?

This is the second time Sasaki says that Haruhi won't remember her. The only other issue I have here is 'where is Sasaki going with this?' She does bring it up, but what's the point in her doing so? Is she just trying to draw closer to Haruhi or what? It's not quite clear what her goal is in saying this, in this way, at this particular time.

I probably stopped writing for some distraction between the two mentions, and didn't catch that I'd already touched on that point.

"You probably wouldn't recognize me," Sasaki allowed, folding her hands together and frowning.  "I did cut my hair since then, as I said--  And we never shared a class.  I ... somewhat admired you from afar, actually, and hoped that we'd be in the same class at some point.  Unfortunately, across the years, that never came to pass, and when I selected my middle school, well ... you had gone elsewhere."

Sasaki is coming across as really bad at getting to the point here. I know she's trying to avoid admitting her feelings for Kyon directly, but she also strikes me as really blunt, too - rather similar to Haruhi in that respect. I half expect she'd flat out say what she's thinking here, rather than dancing around the topic.

Hmmm.  Okay.  I'll aknowledge that this scene needs a rewrite, but I'm not up for it now.  I can't see the outcome changing significantly.  In the revision, she'll just come out and say it.  Probably some time later today, after a restful nap.

"I can't ... really talk about it to you yet" sounds kind of dismissive/distrustful. Which is the case here, and given Haruhi's lack of tact maybe even appropriate, but possibly something like "I can't... really get into any of the details yet" instead? Comes across as kind of harsh when Sasaki is trying to (somewhat clumsily) build a bridge between the two of them.

Woah, woah, woah--  What?  Haruhi's basically saying, "That's classified.  I'd tell you if I could."  I can see it as being 'distrustful', because on some levels, it is.  At the same time, Haruhi's presenting it like a security issue that goes beyond either of just the pair of them (which it is), not, "I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to."

I'm annoyed with myself that I left room in the narrative for your interpetation.

Okay -- that'll get scrubbed in the (more significantly than previously realized) required revamp.  Maybe if I can't find a good treatment, I'll just drop all mention to it and have Sasaki know better than to ask; it's another one of those 'Brian included something meant to be incidental, and it's totally not' things I seem to keep stumbling into. :(

This whole conversation seems a bit awkward; I think the main reason is that both Sasaki and Haruhi - who are notably direct/blunt personalities - are dancing around an issue here, and doing so feels a bit OOC for both of them. It's definitely an uncomfortable topic for both of them, but I don't see either one shying away from confronting something that makes them uncomfortable head-on, either. Haruhi's going to be a bit more subdued thanks to her little adventure earlier today, and Sasaki might be feeling a bit of the same due to her own abduction the day before, but if that's the reason for this coming out this way it might be helpful to draw attention to both factors in the narrative.

Nah, just a rewrite for most of the scene.

Picture here is good, but I think it'll flow a bit better if it's more spontaneous, rather than Sasaki asking directly. She sees Nonoko hugging onto Kyon or something, decides it's adorable, snaps a picture.

Hmm, and then asks for permission to keep it after the fact?  That'd preserve the punchline--  Should be an easy fix.  Okay. :)

Here, I'm kind of wondering what Sasaki's purpose in coming was? If she wanted to make sure Kyon was doing all right, that would make sense, but she doesn't even ask how he (or Nonoko) is doing here. I suppose she could have gotten derailed by Nonoko, but the scene comes across as "Sasaki shows up, gets yelled at by Nonoko, takes a picture, and leaves" which kind of points up the whole picture part - was the only thing she was doing there just a ploy to get a picture of Kyon? Doesn't seem like it should be that important.

She wanted to see Kyon, and didn't ask more questions because of the (now needing to be scrubbed), 'Can't tell you' scene above.  It SHOULD have been an okay scene, but underlying dependancies have been removed.  Will have to be revised ... I guess I can just have Sasaki focus on worrying about Kyon and his sister being well, and some small attempts at forging a connection with Nonoko.  I think that'll flow.

Hyphenated phrase should probably be "who looked like she was..." As written, it's not clear whether it's Haruhi who's feeling negative or one of the as-yet unnamed people on the couch with her.

Okay, will revise. :)

Seeing 'negative emotions' pop up a lot here, understandably so, but a synonym would probably be useful to avoid repetition. I shall continue to ponder this.

May not be much to be done, here....  I changed that last instance to simple 'feelings'.

The absolute insistence on "Magical Radiant Nonoko" is cute, but it implies a lot more attachment to Nonoko on Ryouko's part. All well and good, but where did it come from, and has Ryouko stopped to consider it herself? I can see part of it being her trying to wind down from the day herself, but a connection between her emotional state and the MRN nickname might be useful.

I did have a plan for this, later.  Do you think it feels like it's not adequately adressed if I don't put it in this chapter?

First sentence here is rather awkward. Maybe: "We need to come up with a good way to tell her about that, before she finds out in a bad way," Haruhi muttered...

Ooh.  Yeah.  How about:

"We need to figure out how to break that to her before it gets sprung on her in a bad way," Haruhi muttered, turning from where she was sitting to hug Kyon, holding him tightly.  He looked embarrassed, unable to meet the esper's eyes, but put one arm around the girl and hugged her back anyway.  "That's not going to be fun."

I know this isn't Yuki, but would Kuyou call him 'Kyon'? Ignore if I'm making something out of nothing, of course.

I'm generally going with the idea that she calls him Kyon because she was told to.  Many chapters ago she makes a reference to the fact that he is 'called' Kyon, but that's not his real identity, just like 'Kuyou' isn't hers.  If that's no good, then ... what else should she call him?

Actually.  She's never called him by name in dialog.  I guess the simply dodge is (since she's looking at him already) revising from 'Kyon's' to 'yours'.  There we go.  Alright.  We'll apply the Yuki/Kanae approach anyway.  Ie., "Why don't you call him by name?"  "That's is not his name."

Maybe 'Tsuru-nee' and 'Haru-nee' here? She's used those for them before.

I'm ... not sure, but almost positive I've avoided _all_ Japanese honorifics outside of dialog, except for 'Sempai' from Kanae's PoV, and possibly some (single-quoted) instances of 'Tsuruya-sama'.  I will revise this one to 'two of her favorite big sisters', since explicit names feel a bit clunky.

Repetition of 'operation' here. Maybe 'bust' or 'sting'? They are more slangy, but.

Oh, I know--  'Raid'. :D

But narrowly missing it because she was distracted by a personal phone call?  That lack of professionalism didn't feel like her.  Then again, neither did 'being lucky', as opposed to carefully planning.

I'd use 'carefully planning', swap the word order.

Er?  You mean, swap to 'planning carefully'?  Your example is identical to my use, so just double-checking, here.  Guessing that's the intent and revising accordingly, but if I'm wrong, lemme know. :)

Woot--  Okay, this chapter should need a lot less revision to get into good shape than the last, it seems. :D

Thanks greatly for the feedback, o Hatted One. ;)

Will try and get that revision up ... oh, after a nap. :p

[Brian]

Kyon is Nonoko's brother, not bother. I was forcibly reminded of children's show Olivia.

Nonoko: Sometimes he is, though!
Kyon: Oh, hush!

Maybe it's just me, but Sasaki sounded very much like Koizumi during the exchange about the soup.

Er, possibly.  I drew an inference that Sasaki tends to have her own personality, but adopts behaviors from those around her (using masculine pronouns in the company of males, for example), and decided that after speaking with Koizumi, it would make a good basis for communicating with Haruhi -- as it was close to something she was already comfortable with.

I may have carried this too far and need to tone it down a bit.  That scene's slated for revision anyway.  :x

Thoughts?

Should Haruhi know that Kyon was John Smith after the memory gambit or is that just a keyphrase? ("That symbol I made you draw")

[spoiler] Kyon doesn't know it yet, but it's just a keyphrase.  He's still trying to figure it out himself.[/quote]

Okay -- thanks for the feedback, Mr. Smith; greatly appreciated. :)

[Halbarad]

Replyness!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Woah, woah, woah--  What?  Haruhi's basically saying, "That's classified.  I'd tell you if I could."  I can see it as being 'distrustful', because on some levels, it is.  At the same time, Haruhi's presenting it like a security issue that goes beyond either of just the pair of them (which it is), not, "I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to."

I'm annoyed with myself that I left room in the narrative for your interpetation.

Okay -- that'll get scrubbed in the (more significantly than previously realized) required revamp.  Maybe if I can't find a good treatment, I'll just drop all mention to it and have Sasaki know better than to ask; it's another one of those 'Brian included something meant to be incidental, and it's totally not' things I seem to keep stumbling into. :(

I definitely get that's where Haruhi's going; it may be the use of 'I can't talk to you about that' that makes it seem/read as being dismissive. Making the denial of information more general than directed at Sasaki in particular should blunt that, I'd think.

She wanted to see Kyon, and didn't ask more questions because of the (now needing to be scrubbed), 'Can't tell you' scene above.  It SHOULD have been an okay scene, but underlying dependancies have been removed.  Will have to be revised ... I guess I can just have Sasaki focus on worrying about Kyon and his sister being well, and some small attempts at forging a connection with Nonoko.  I think that'll flow.

Only other thing I'd probably add is that she'll at least ask how Kyon is doing and if there's anything she can do to help him out; seems like a natural reaction considering the help he's given her (and some of her own daydreams along those lines =P).

I did have a plan for this, later.  Do you think it feels like it's not adequately adressed if I don't put it in this chapter?

As long as you have a plan for it, it's good enough for me. Doesn't have to be addressed here specifically, but it does stick out as a question that should be answered at some point.

I'm generally going with the idea that she calls him Kyon because she was told to.  Many chapters ago she makes a reference to the fact that he is 'called' Kyon, but that's not his real identity, just like 'Kuyou' isn't hers.  If that's no good, then ... what else should she call him?

Actually.  She's never called him by name in dialog.  I guess the simply dodge is (since she's looking at him already) revising from 'Kyon's' to 'yours'.  There we go.  Alright.  We'll apply the Yuki/Kanae approach anyway.  Ie., "Why don't you call him by name?"  "That's is not his name."

That's pretty much what I was thinking here, yeah.

I'm ... not sure, but almost positive I've avoided _all_ Japanese honorifics outside of dialog, except for 'Sempai' from Kanae's PoV, and possibly some (single-quoted) instances of 'Tsuruya-sama'.  I will revise this one to 'two of her favorite big sisters', since explicit names feel a bit clunky.

Her skepticism faded, and she gave him a look of fierce determination, clenching one fist and nodding. "Kyon-kun can do it!" she said with complete conviction. "For Haru-nee-san and Tsuru-nee-san, you'd better!"

Not saying you have to do it again, just evidence that it's been done before. =)

Oh, I know--  'Raid'. :D

I would have suggested that, but you use it in the line -after- that.

Er?  You mean, swap to 'planning carefully'?  Your example is identical to my use, so just double-checking, here.  Guessing that's the intent and revising accordingly, but if I'm wrong, lemme know. :)

Yeah, that was my stupid.

[Brian]

Oh, shoot--  Okay, changed the next instance of raid into 'attack'.  Not ideal, but smoother.

Thanks again for the feedback. :)

New draft up.

[JonBob]

Woot, another chapter.

Spoiler: ShowHide

So, is Sasaki jealous of Kyouko b/c of Koizumi, or jealous in general that Kyouko can be with someone she likes?

Other than that question, most of my comments are phrasing fixes.

The strange sense of safety and comfort that she'd experienced since Takahashi's plan had fallen apart didn't leave Kyouko, except to fade -- for a while -- once Koizumi had left her side.

A bit awkward. Perhaps something like "... fallen apart stayed with Kyouko, only fading for a while after Koizumi had left her side."?

He cut her off with a quick shake of his head.  "As myself, you were a servant to greater powers.  It simply seems that those you followed use that power unwisely.

Maybe change to "Like myself, you were a servant to greater powers. It simply seems that those you followed used that power unwisely."

She resisted the urge to pout until after he chuckled and gave her a smile -- everyone except Haruhi and Tsuruya vanishing into nothingness abruptly.

Something is missing, or it's just really awkard. Like, is she waiting til he chuckles and smiles but it never happens b/c he disappears, or does he chuckle, she smiles, then he disappears?

[Brian]

Woot, another chapter.

Heya, thanks for the feedback, and sorry about the delay in replying; work was kinda hectic this morning.  Haven't had much free time between test cycles until now.

Spoiler: ShowHide

So, is Sasaki jealous of Kyouko b/c of Koizumi, or jealous in general that Kyouko can be with someone she likes?

Kyouko herself isn't certain when it first happens, though it should be clear enough through context.  Let's take another look at that....

Mm, yeah; Kyouko's so unused to the idea of Sasaki being jealous, she can't quite figure it out.  You're supposed to wonder. :)

Other than that question, most of my comments are phrasing fixes.

The strange sense of safety and comfort that she'd experienced since Takahashi's plan had fallen apart didn't leave Kyouko, except to fade -- for a while -- once Koizumi had left her side.

A bit awkward. Perhaps something like "... fallen apart stayed with Kyouko, only fading for a while after Koizumi had left her side."?

I think I should actually make that two separate sentences, yeah.  Let's see....

The strange sense of safety and comfort that she'd experienced since Takahashi's plan had fallen apart didn't fade in the slightest.  Except, she realized, when Koizumi had left her side briefly.

He cut her off with a quick shake of his head.  "As myself, you were a servant to greater powers.  It simply seems that those you followed use that power unwisely.

Maybe change to "Like myself, you were a servant to greater powers. It simply seems that those you followed used that power unwisely."

Hm.  I kind of like the more formal, archaic use of the words for Koizumi; feels more true to his character.  And his use of tenses is correct (as far as he knows. :p).

She resisted the urge to pout until after he chuckled and gave her a smile -- everyone except Haruhi and Tsuruya vanishing into nothingness abruptly.

Something is missing, or it's just really awkard. Like, is she waiting til he chuckles and smiles but it never happens b/c he disappears, or does he chuckle, she smiles, then he disappears?

Yeah, pretty awkward.

She resisted the urge to pout, but once he chuckled and gave her a smile, she couldn't help but smile back -- until everyone except Haruhi and Tsuruya vanishing into nothingness abruptly.

There we go.  Thanks again for the comments! :)

[Specular]

Just a minor things.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi nodded, taking off Kyon's coat and draping it over the back of the nearest chair before collapsing into it. "Today has been exhausting," she groaned.

If Haruhi was using Kyon's coat, then I think it's strange that it remained unnoticed until then, given that she can't toggle its invisibility in Sasaki's presence.

"I'll let the hospital know not to mention you and Imouto being missing!" Tsuruya echoed jubilantly, while Ryouko watched the signs of visible relief cross Haruhi's face. You can go back in the morning!"

Missing double quotation mark.

"You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that symbol I made you write," Haruhi allowed.

IIRC, Kyon wasn't present when Kuyou explained that, but then again he could have been told about it by Ryouko or Kuyou herself during the weekend.

"Okay!" she cheered, before yawning again. "Hmm, why do all of the faeries fall in love with Nii-san?"

Probably irrelevant, Nonoko used the word "faerie" instead of "fairy" as she has been doing until now.

[Rogh-sensei]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi nodded, taking off Kyon's coat and draping it over the back of the nearest chair before collapsing into it. "Today has been exhausting," she groaned.

If Haruhi was using Kyon's coat, then I think it's strange that it remained unnoticed until then, given that she can't toggle its invisibility in Sasaki's presence.

I noticed this as well. I'm certain Sasaki would remark on this.

[Brian]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi nodded, taking off Kyon's coat and draping it over the back of the nearest chair before collapsing into it. "Today has been exhausting," she groaned.

If Haruhi was using Kyon's coat, then I think it's strange that it remained unnoticed until then, given that she can't toggle its invisibility in Sasaki's presence.

I noticed this as well. I'm certain Sasaki would remark on this.

Oh, I missed that one for sure. :x

How about:

She cut off when there was another knock on the door, and Kyouko blinked in surprise to see Haruhi -- of all people! -- peeking around the frame with a weak smile of her own.  Behind her was the still form of Kuyou, her eyes on some distant point.

     Kuyou wasn't sure why, but Sasaki spent a moment seeming stunned, another flare of that alien jealousy sparking at the sight of -- of all things -- Haruhi's oversized coat.

     "Ah, Suzumiya-san!" Sasaki greeted, her face pinking slightly as she recovered.  When Kyouko had a moment to clear her mind and think about things....  The same 'dangerous' and 'unstable' girl that she had been trying to take the power from in the room with Sasaki?  The one she had wanted to give that power to?

Just a minor things.

"I'll let the hospital know not to mention you and Imouto being missing!" Tsuruya echoed jubilantly, while Ryouko watched the signs of visible relief cross Haruhi's face. You can go back in the morning!"

Missing double quotation mark.

Oops; thanks for the catch. :D

"You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that symbol I made you write," Haruhi allowed.

IIRC, Kyon wasn't present when Kuyou explained that, but then again he could have been told about it by Ryouko or Kuyou herself during the weekend.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why Kyon needs prior knowledge for Haruhi to make a statement?  There may be some confusion here.  The intent of this scene:
[spoiler]Is that Haruhi is dropping clues for Kyon to unravel what Haruhi knows vs. safe-mode!Haruhi; he knows it's a code-phrase, but he hasn't figured out how much of the specifics Haruhi recalls.

Do you think that this needs to be reworked?  It's meant to be foreshadowing, not feel like a gaffe (there's a line between subtle and confusing; I could be crossing it).

"Okay!" she cheered, before yawning again. "Hmm, why do all of the faeries fall in love with Nii-san?"

Probably irrelevant, Nonoko used the word "faerie" instead of "fairy" as she has been doing until now.

Not irrelevant; I probably got the wrong word when looking for a pluralization (and English issue, incidentally, and not something Nonoko would really have trouble with, so entirely my mistake).  Should be 'fairies' to be consistent, yeah.[/spoiler]

Okay -- thanks, as always, for the feedback, sirs!  I was going to post this tonight if nothing else came up, so that was about the ideal time to comment on them. :D

[Specular]

Spoiler: ShowHide

"You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that symbol I made you write," Haruhi allowed.

IIRC, Kyon wasn't present when Kuyou explained that, but then again he could have been told about it by Ryouko or Kuyou herself during the weekend.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why Kyon needs prior knowledge for Haruhi to make a statement?  There may be some confusion here.  The intent of this scene:
[spoiler]Is that Haruhi is dropping clues for Kyon to unravel what Haruhi knows vs. safe-mode!Haruhi; he knows it's a code-phrase, but he hasn't figured out how much of the specifics Haruhi recalls.

Do you think that this needs to be reworked?  It's meant to be foreshadowing, not feel like a gaffe (there's a line between subtle and confusing; I could be crossing it).

[/quote]

It was the fact that Kyon didn't ask for clarification what caught my eye, but it makes sense if he already knows about it or if he did notice that he is unaware of something and he's just avoiding to bring her attention to it because it's something related to "John Smith".
[/spoiler]

[Brian]

Okay.  I think the missing element is that Kyon needs to look thoughtful or at least curious at the remark, since his lack of reaction makes him come across as either informed or indifferent.


How about this:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that symbol I made you write," Haruhi allowed.

     After looking puzzled for a moment, the boy shook his head sharply, hanging his head and sighing.  "S...sorry," Kyon mumbled.

     For his part, Koizumi just heaved a small sigh of his own, glad that she wasn't angry about it.  He'd taken Haruhi for the jealous type, but it seemed he was mistaken -- and a good thing, too!

(I wonder if people who see all the revisions get disillusioned. >_>;;;)

[Specular]

One last thing:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kuyou wasn't sure why, but Sasaki spent a moment seeming stunned, another flare of that alien jealousy sparking at the sight of -- of all things -- Haruhi's oversized coat.

"Kyouko" instead of "Kuyou".

(I wonder if people who see all the revisions get disillusioned. >_>;;;)

You worry too much, good sir. XD