[Haruhi] SOS Brigade Hatsuyume

[Arakawa]

In keeping with the mixed-up nature of this tale, and the fact that I'm trying to get into Kyon-narration on short notice, I'll be posting this as out-of-order shards. (Note: despite the overlap in subject matter with 'In Your Dreams' this is a completely distinct fic. For one thing, 'In Your Dreams' did not dabble with out-of-order narration.) Occurs an unspecified (but fairly obvious) time after Novel 11.

Even though I'm posting these inline and not as attachments, I'd be grateful for any and all C&C people can muster. Particularly my characterizations will probably strike you as shaky at best and just wrong at worst.

Okay, here's shard number one.



January 01, 5:03am

My thoroughly warped New Year's Dream was interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone. They say how you celebrate the New Year sets the pattern for the rest of your year in other respects? Bah! Today was eccentric even by my Brigade Chief's normal standards.

"Kyon! You take far too long to pick up the phone!!" Haruhi groused at me over my first phone call of the New Year.

A very Happy New Year to you too, Haruhi! In case you hadn't realized, I was busy being asleep.

"Sleeping? Hm... I have a different suggestion for you, Kyon! The New Year sets the pattern for the rest of the year, so I'm making sure to get as bright and early a start to the day as I can manage! Do you want my help doing the same? This is how you get up at five a.m.! Okay, on the count of three! Sit up in your bed and/or futon! One, two... now! Stretch your arms wide and stand up tall, right on top of the blanket! One, two... smile a big smile, hop off onto the floor, and dash for the nearest set of warm clothes and put them on! Report when you've completed these instructions!"

Well, what can I say? Good for you, Haruhi. Unfortunately I must decline your offer to keep me awake by barking drill-sergeant-like orders through a cell phone instructing me to do things that will quite possibly wake up my family and make them question my sanity.

"Hold on, maybe a lazybones like you needs the correct motivation the first few times! You know what, if you can get yourself out of the house, that would be a sufficiently impressive feat that I would be willing to go on a date with you right now! How about it?"

I'm sorry, this is one of those things that happens when you're dreaming, right? Everything is plausible except for one detail that's horribly out of place, like if you show up at your graduation ceremony in a Hawaiian shirt, or a cute but eccentric girl calls and asks you out on a date, except she does it in the middle of the night?

"No, you're not dreaming! A real live actual date! I will actually provide the food for once! In a reverse penalty for your good behaviour!"

... pretty sure there's a more appropriate word for what you mean by 'reverse penalty'. No, unfortunately I must decline your generous offer, particularly since it would in fact be inconsiderate of me to condone this ridiculous behaviour on the part of a brigade member, even if she's the chief. Not just to the world which has to put up with your ideas (although there's also that), but to Haruhi Suzumiya herself. Even if in an ideal universe it would be tempting...

"Would it help if it was a double date? I could wake Mikuru-chan, or Yuki..."

... okay, the temptation level is definitely decreasing now. I'm pretty sure a double date usually involves two girls and two boys. Interrupting Asahina-san's beauty sleep and coercing her into something like this is definitely, definitely, definitely out of the question. And while Nagato would treat being pulled out of bed and taken along somewhere at night by Haruhi with the same stoic indifference she treats being taken along somewhere at any other (normal) time, our Brigade Chief isn't expected to know that. How surreal would the scene even look...

Alright already! God, why am I even considering this, with or without the addition of 'double dating'? I feel sick even imagining this, Haruhi should feel ashamed for once again suggesting the Brigade members are her property to... give away like this, and I am not so desperate to date anyone so as to agree to do it in the middle of the night on January 1st!

"What did you say?"

"Haruhi, calm down. If you really want to terrorize me in the middle of the night like this, just pick some other day than January 1 and I would be... not as completely adamant about not learning to get up at some ungodly hour in the morning. Or, look, I could just ask you out on a date, and I mean, I remember your opinion on these things, I'll do the actual asking when we meet in person sometime..."

(The things that just leap from your mouth when you're sleep-deprived...)

"... which is exactly where I was aiming with this!" Haruhi interrupts, sounding overjoyed, "Keep in mind, though, that in that case you will be the one asking me out, and the person doing the asking-out will be responsible for the travel and financial arrangements, location and activity choices, and in general will be the one responsible for the date being a success. That said, I would be happy to uphold my side of the bargain and donate some of my valuable time to your ludicrous scheme to ask me out, at the very least out of curiosity as to whether you'll succeed or not."

(The things that just leap from Haruhi's mouth when she's sleep-deprived... apparently, asking over the phone whether it would be all right to ask her out on a date in person, fits her strange sense of logic about not doing important things over the phone.)

Okay, now that we've settled this issue, can I go back to sleep?

In fact, it is indeed just past five a.m. on my clock, so that means I've only been asleep for about three hours. I wouldn't exactly call that anywhere close to bright and early right now... Haruhi, on second thought, get some sleep yourself, won't you?

"No! Okay, you know what I actually wanted to ask you? I called you because I urgently need to know what sort of New Year's dreams the Brigade members are having."

I'm sorry, what?

Wait, hold on... that means you've been waking up other Brigade members?

"What gives you that idea? Of course I'm calling you first. No one else has been woken up yet."

Well, that's reassuring; who else were you considering to call?

"I don't know... Nagato?"

She probably wouldn't mind.

"Koizumi?"

He'd probably richly deserve being woken up in the middle of the night. I may be biased, but certainly he'd deserve it more than I do.

"Quit changing the subject! Okay, spill it, what did you dream about right now?"

I... honestly don't remember? I think I dreamt some typically irrelevant nonsense?

In fact, now that we've brought him up, one thing I can remember is that my dream contained a vague desire to punch Koizumi for some reason. Obviously, this detail is not suitable for discussion with Haruhi.

"Hm," Haruhi sounded like she was brooding over something, "See, the thing is that I was actually woken up myself by a phone call from Yasumi of all people..."

Wait... she means Yasumi Watahashi? I actually sat up on my bed on hearing this news.

Remembering a previous strange incident which also involved Yasumi Watahashi making a phone call, I mentally searched for strange deja-vu or any other effects of time being looped, split, twisted, warped, or turned into a pretzel. No, using the same trick twice would be far too direct for the literal personification of the Brigade Chief's mad genius. What did she want with you, Haruhi?

"... you know how much of an overachiever she was? She was calling with this ridiculous claim that she'd just dreamt the full Hatsuyume sequence!"

Hatsuyume... you mean that hawk, eggplant, Mt. Fuji stuff? There's six lucky omens in total (I think) and the more you dream about on New Year's Day, the luckier your year will be, is the gist of the superstition.

And... I'm sorry, the answer is obvious to me, although I have no clue what this incident could possibly mean...

But still, the question is worth asking.

Why would you think Yasumi wanted to call you specifically?

"She was offering to donate some of her extra luck to the Brigade!"

You're allowed to do that? I'm fairly sure that's not how luck works...

"Apparently you can... I don't remember how she explained it exactly, it was kind of confusing. Still, it seemed a reasonable offer. Well, aside from the fact that she was basically gloating at me that her dreams were luckier than mine. So I wanted to see if my Brigade really was so weak at having New Years' Dreams that they're going to be trounced by a middle schooler!"

Oh, dear God. This must be Haruhi's competitive streak out in full force.

I'm fairly sure that when the wise sages of personal productivity state that 'you should only ever worry about competing with yourself', this sort of scenario is not what they mean.

Though, Haruhi, if that's the primary issue then why did you want to wake up early? That's tantamount to forfeiting the competition.

"Exactly! It's not like we can control what we're dreaming! We'll have to think outside the box and show Yasumi that there's better things to do on New Year's Day than sleeping in dreaming lucky nonsense about eggplants!"

I think this is what they refer to on the Internet as 'trolling'. You're being successfully manipulated into engaging in this level of childish behaviour, thinking to prove yourself better than a middle schooler by it. It would be beautiful had it been happening to one of my enemies. As someone I want to consider my friend, Haruhi, I would advise you not to take the bait.

"Right. I... guess some ideas only make sense at five a.m. in the morning."

Agreed, but no, logically, though, if you go back to sleep right now you'll have the entire night to dream your silly Hatsuyume-dream and one-up Yasumi. Same goes for me -- in fact, it would have been better all around to bring this up in the morning instead. I promise I'll make sure to tell you if I do dream all that traditional Hatsuyume nonsense about hawks and eggplants and Mount Fuji...

"You're probably right. Sorry. I'm going back to sleep now."

What was that again?

"I said I'm sorry."

I was too distracted by the implausibly sweet sound of Haruhi Suzumiya apologizing to hear your apology. Can you run that one by me again?

"I SAID SORRY!" Haruhi lost her indoor voice at me completely, and then dropped to an angry whisper (probably concerned about waking up her parents), "Sheesh, why are you treating it like it's something groundbreaking coming from me?? Yes, I can apologize for stuff, if you hadn't noticed! I said what you say when you waste someone's time up in the middle of the night because you had an odd idea! Anyhow, Kyon, good night. Sorry I interrupted your rest, but do you honestly have to rub it in? Sweet dreams, we'll discuss the appropriate penalty for your horrendous cheek in the morning."

That's assuming I even remember we had this conversation, and that I'm not dreaming right now.

"Whatever. Happy New Year, Kyon!"

"Well, let's hope it's a great one," I salute the Brigade Chief far more happily than I otherwise would, since I've realized something important and pleasant.

This is the one day of the year that my sister will definitely not be coming to drag me out of bed!

I'm going to be able to sleep in for once!

Maybe if my brain is allowed a proper amount of sleep, I might have one of those lucid dreams? I remember Sasaki being a great fan of the concept and practice of lucid dreaming, dream incubation, and a bunch of other things whose names I don't remember; she mentioned being able to do it to prove a point in some argument whose gist I can't quite recall, it being five fifteen a.m. on January 1 right now.

Hmm. If we ever run into each other this year, I should ask her if she ever bothered to intentionally dream the full Hatsuyume sequence on New Year's Day, to obtain the maximum possible amount of luck each year. Well, if I did, she'd probably just go and deconstruct that ridiculous superstition, speculating about the odd but mundane origins of the items on the list. How does it go again? Eggplant, crane, bureaucrat, upside-down airplane, blind but dangerous basilisk, deranged but friendly dentist...

Hold on, that can't possibly be the right sequence...



Note: below is the original revision commented on by Muphrid.

Spoiler: ShowHide

My thoroughly warped New Year's Dream was interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone. They say how you celebrate the New Year sets the pattern for the rest of your year in other respects? Bah! Today was eccentric even by my Brigade Chief's normal standards.

"Kyon! You take far too long to pick up the phone!!" Haruhi grouses at me over my first phone call of the New Year.

A very Happy New Year to you too, Haruhi! In case you hadn't realized, I was busy being asleep.

"That's horrifically dense of you, Kyon! The New Year sets the pattern for the rest of the year, so I'm making sure to get as bright and early a start to the day as I can manage! Do you want my help doing the same? This is how you get up at five a.m.! Okay, on the count of three! Sit up in your bed and/or futon! One, two... now! Stretch your arms wide and stand up tall, right on top of the mattress! One, two... smile a big smile, hop off the bed, and dash for the nearest set of warm clothes and put them on! Report when you've completed these instructions!"

Well, what can I say? Good for you, Haruhi. Unfortunately I must decline your offer to keep me awake by barking drill-sergeant-like orders through a cell phone instructing me to do things that will quite possibly wake up my family and make them question my sanity.

"Hold on, maybe a lazybones like you needs the correct motivation the first few times! You know what, if you can get yourself out of the house, that would be a sufficiently impressive feat that I would be willing to go on a date with you right now! How about it?"

I'm sorry, this is one of those things that happens when you're dreaming, right? Everything is plausible except for one detail that's horribly out of place, like if you show up at your graduation ceremony in a Hawaiian shirt, or a cute but eccentric girl calls and asks you out on a date, except she does it in the middle of the night?

"No, you're not dreaming! A real live actual date! I will actually provide the food for once! In a reverse penalty for your good behaviour!"

... pretty sure there's a more appropriate word for what you mean by 'reverse penalty'. No, unfortunately I must decline your generous offer, particularly since it would in fact be inconsiderate of me to condone this ridiculous behaviour on the part of a brigade member, even if she's the chief. Not just to the world which has to put up with your ideas (although there's also that), but to Haruhi Suzumiya herself.

"Would it help if it was a double date? I could wake Mikuru up, or Nagato..."

... okay, and I'm pretty sure a double date usually involves two girls and two boys. Interrupting Asahina-san's beauty sleep and coercing her into something like this is definitely, definitely, definitely out of the question. While Nagato would treat being taken along somewhere by Haruhi at five a.m. with the same stoic indifference she treats being taken along somewhere at any other time, our Brigade Chief isn't expected to know that. How surreal would the scene even look...

Alright already! God, why am I even considering this, with or without the addition of 'double dating'? I feel sick even imagining this, Haruhi should feel ashamed for once again suggesting the Brigade members are her property to... give away like this, and I am not so desperate to date anyone so as to agree to do it in the middle of the night on January 1st!

"What did you say?"

"Haruhi, calm down. If you really want to terrorize me in the middle of the night like this, just pick some other day than January 1 and I would be... not as completely adamant about not learning to get up at some ungodly hour in the morning. Or, look, I could just ask you out on a date, and I mean, I remember your opinion on these things, I'll do the actual asking when we meet in person sometime..."

(The things that just leap from your mouth when you're sleep-deprived...)

"... which is exactly where I was going with this!" Haruhi interrupts, sounding overjoyed, "Keep in mind, though, that in that case you will be the one asking me out, and the person doing the asking-out will be responsible for the travel and financial arrangements, location and activity choices, and in general will be the one responsible for the date being a success. That said, I would be happy to uphold my side of the bargain and donate some of my valuable time to your ludicrous scheme to ask me out, at the very least out of curiosity as to whether you'll succeed or not."

(The things that just leap from Haruhi's mouth when she's sleep-deprived... apparently, asking over the phone whether it would be all right to ask her out on a date in person, fits her strange sense of logic about not doing important things over the phone.)

Okay, now that we've settled this issue, can I go back to sleep?

In fact, it is indeed just past five a.m. on my clock, so that means I've only been asleep for about three hours. I wouldn't exactly call that anywhere close to bright and early right now... Haruhi, on second thought, get some sleep yourself, won't you?

"No! Okay, you know what I actually wanted to ask you? I called you because I urgently need to know what sort of New Year's dreams the Brigade members are having."

I'm sorry, what?

Wait, hold on... that means you've been waking up other Brigade members?

"What gives you that idea? Of course I'm calling you first. No one else has been woken up yet."

Well, that's reassuring; who else were you considering to call?

"I don't know... Nagato?"

She probably wouldn't mind.

"Koizumi?"

He'd probably richly deserve being woken up in the middle of the night. I may be biased, but certainly he'd deserve it more than I do.

"Quit changing the subject! Okay, spill it, what did you dream about right now?"

I... honestly don't remember? I think I dreamt some typically irrelevant nonsense?

In fact, now that we've brought him up, one thing I can remember is that my dream contained a vague desire to punch Koizumi for some reason. Obviously, this detail is not suitable for discussion with Haruhi.

"Hm," Haruhi sounds like she's brooding over something, "See, the thing is that I was actually woken up myself by a phone call from Yasumi of all people..."

Wait... she means Yasumi Watahashi? I actually sat up on my bed on hearing this news.

Remembering a previous strange incident which also involved Yasumi Watahashi making a phone call, I mentally searched for strange deja-vu or any other effects of time being looped, split, twisted, warped, or turned into a pretzel. No, using the same trick twice would be far too direct for the literal personification of the Brigade Chief's mad genius. What did she want with you, Haruhi?

"... you know how much of an overachiever she was? She was calling with this ridiculous claim that she'd just dreamt the full Hatsuyume sequence!"

Hatsuyume... you mean that hawk, eggplant, Mt. Fuji stuff? There's six lucky omens in total (I think) and the more you dream about on New Year's Day, the luckier your year will be, is the gist of the superstition.

And... I'm sorry, the answer is obvious to me, although I have no clue what this incident could possibly mean...

But still, the question is worth asking.

Why would you think Yasumi wanted to call you specifically?

"She was offering to donate some of her extra luck to the Brigade!"

You're allowed to do that? I'm fairly sure that's not how luck works...

"Apparently you can... I don't remember how she explained it exactly, it was kind of confusing. Still, it seemed a reasonable offer. Well, aside from the fact that she was basically gloating at me that her dreams were luckier than mine. So I wanted to see if my Brigade really was so weak at having New Years' Dreams that they're going to be trounced by a middle schooler!"

Oh, dear God. This must be Haruhi's competitive streak out in full force.

I'm fairly sure that when the wise sages of personal productivity state that 'you should only ever worry about competing with yourself', this sort of scenario is not what they mean.

Though, Haruhi, if that's the primary issue then why did you want to wake up early? That's tantamount to forfeiting the competition.

"Exactly! It's not like we can control what we're dreaming! We'll have to think outside the box and show Yasumi that there's better things to do on New Year's Day than sleeping in dreaming lucky nonsense about eggplants!"

I'm fairly sure this is what they refer to on the Internet as 'trolling'. You're being successfully manipulated into engaging in this level of childish behaviour, thinking to prove yourself better than a middle schooler by it. It would be beautiful had it been happening to one of my enemies. As someone I want to consider my friend, Haruhi, I think you shouldn't take the bait.

"Right. I... guess some ideas only make sense at five a.m. in the morning."

Agreed, but no, logically, though, if you go back to sleep right now you'll have the entire night to dream your silly Hatsuyume-dream and one-up Yasumi. Same goes for me -- in fact, it would have been better all around to bring this up in the morning. I promise I'll make sure to tell you if I do dream all that traditional Hatsuyume nonsense about hawks and eggplants and Mount Fuji...

"You're probably right. Sorry. I'm going back to sleep now."

What was that again?

"I said I'm sorry."

I was too distracted by the implausibly sweet sound of Haruhi Suzumiya apologizing to hear your apology. Can you run that one by me again?

"I SAID SORRY!" Haruhi loses her indoor voice at me completely, and then drops to an angry whisper (probably concerned about waking up her parents), "sheesh, why are you treating it like it's something groundbreaking coming from me?? Yes, I can apologize for stuff, if you hadn't noticed! I said what you say when you waste someone's time up in the middle of the night because you had an odd idea! Anyhow, Kyon, good night. Sorry I interrupted your dream, but do you honestly have to rub it in? Sweet dreams, we'll discuss the appropriate penalty for your horrendous cheek in the morning."

That's assuming I even remember we had this conversation, and that I'm not dreaming right now.

"Whatever. By the way, I almost forgot to say: Happy New Year, Kyon!"

"Let's hope it's a great one," I salute the Brigade Chief far more happily than I otherwise would, since I've realized something important and pleasant.

This is the one day of the year that my sister will definitely not be coming to drag me out of bed!

I'm going to be able to sleep in for once!

Maybe if my brain is allowed a proper amount of sleep, I might have one of those lucid dreams? I remember Sasaki being a great fan of the concept and practice of lucid dreaming, dream incubation, and a bunch of other things whose names I don't remember; she mentioned being able to do it to prove a point in some argument whose gist I can't quite recall at the moment, it being presently five-fifteen a.m. on January 1.

Hmm. If we ever run into each other this year, I should ask her if she ever bothered to intentionally dream the full Hatsuyume sequence on New Year's Day, to obtain the maximum possible amount of luck each year. Well, if I did, she'd probably just go and deconstruct that ridiculous superstition, speculating about the odd but mundane origins of the items on the list. How does it go again? Eggplant, crane, bureaucrat, upside-down airplane, blind but dangerous basilisk, deranged but friendly dentist...

Hold on, that can't possibly be the right sequence...

[Muphrid]

I actually find it easier to format a reply when stuff is already in bbcode, though with the width taking up almost all of the screen and other factors, html is probably more readable.  Then again, I almost always just have the raw text in an editor with split windows to critique while reading, so the presentation format is largely irrelevant anyway.

"Kyon! You take far too long to pick up the phone!!" Haruhi grouses at me over my first phone call of the New Year.

Tenses.  Kyon starts in past, goes into present to talk about something general, and then Haruhi is in present.

"That's horrifically dense of you, Kyon! The New Year sets the pattern for the rest of the year, so I'm making sure to get as bright and early a start to the day as I can manage! Do you want my help doing the same? This is how you get up at five a.m.! Okay, on the count of three! Sit up in your bed and/or futon! One, two... now! Stretch your arms wide and stand up tall, right on top of the mattress! One, two... smile a big smile, hop off the bed, and dash for the nearest set of warm clothes and put them on! Report when you've completed these instructions!"

After saying bed/futon, Haruhi assumes a bed with a mattress?

Well, what can I say? Good for you, Haruhi. Unfortunately I must decline your offer to keep me awake by barking drill-sergeant-like orders through a cell phone instructing me to do things that will quite possibly wake up my family and make them question my sanity.

I think "cell phone and instructing" or so.

"Hold on, maybe a lazybones like you needs the correct motivation the first few times! You know what, if you can get yourself out of the house, that would be a sufficiently impressive feat that I would be willing to go on a date with you right now! How about it?"

I admit, maybe it's just recent talk that's turned me off this aspect, but Haruhi presenting a date to Kyon as a reward, presuming he would accept, just doesn't seem so appealing or attractive to me.

Seeing that this is not the point of the story, though, I think this isn't too bad.

"No, you're not dreaming! A real live actual date! I will actually provide the food for once! In a reverse penalty for your good behaviour!"

I like the concept of "reverse penalty" though.

"Would it help if it was a double date? I could wake Mikuru up, or Nagato..."

Yuki.

"Haruhi, calm down. If you really want to terrorize me in the middle of the night like this, just pick some other day than January 1 and I would be... not as completely adamant about not learning to get up at some ungodly hour in the morning. Or, look, I could just ask you out on a date, and I mean, I remember your opinion on these things, I'll do the actual asking when we meet in person sometime..."

Though I will say Kyon's reaction to Haruhi's suggestion is on the mark, as well.

I'm fairly sure that when the wise sages of personal productivity state that 'you should only ever worry about competing with yourself', this sort of scenario is not what they mean.

Aha, that's brilliant.

"I SAID SORRY!" Haruhi loses her indoor voice at me completely, and then drops to an angry whisper (probably concerned about waking up her parents), "sheesh, why are you treating it like it's something groundbreaking coming from me?? Yes, I can apologize for stuff, if you hadn't noticed! I said what you say when you waste someone's time up in the middle of the night because you had an odd idea! Anyhow, Kyon, good night. Sorry I interrupted your dream, but do you honestly have to rub it in? Sweet dreams, we'll discuss the appropriate penalty for your horrendous cheek in the morning."

You want "sheesh" capitalized.

Maybe if my brain is allowed a proper amount of sleep, I might have one of those lucid dreams? I remember Sasaki being a great fan of the concept and practice of lucid dreaming, dream incubation, and a bunch of other things whose names I don't remember; she mentioned being able to do it to prove a point in some argument whose gist I can't quite recall, it being five fifteen a.m. on January 1 right now.

I think "five-fifteen"?


Overall, I think you have a good handle on Kyon's voice, so I wouldn't be too concerned with that.

Haruhi is somewhat...I don't know if there's a single word for it, but she's domineering like usual yet in a negative sort of way?  If, for example, she doesn't say he's dense, her insistence on stretching and setting the tone from the year come off more unambiguously positive, if in a weird, bizarre, Haruhi-like way.  Maybe I'm making too much of the kinds of things I've had to do with The Coin to try to keep Haruhi in check, though.  These things don't strike me as wrong per se, but I do think they affect how Haruhi is seen and what kind of vibe the reader gets from her.  I will say that, because Kyon bounces off her so well and doesn't attach too much import to what negativity she does express, it may not matter to someone who isn't really looking to pick at Haruhi.  I do feel like that's Kyon's way, so that's good.

[Arakawa]

Tenses.  Kyon starts in past, goes into present to talk about something general, and then Haruhi is in present.

Will have to stick to the rule better: past for narration, present for the elided-quotes thing Kyon does.

After saying bed/futon, Haruhi assumes a bed with a mattress?

A futon... isn't a kind of mattress? I even checked the Wikipedia entry:

A futon is a flat mattress with a fabric exterior stuffed with cotton, wool, or synthetic batting that makes up a Japanese bed.

I can still see how it might be horribly confusing. Will have to think about a revision.

I admit, maybe it's just recent talk that's turned me off this aspect, but Haruhi presenting a date to Kyon as a reward, presuming he would accept, just doesn't seem so appealing or attractive to me.

Seeing that this is not the point of the story, though, I think this isn't too bad.

(... and again: ...)

Overall, I think you have a good handle on Kyon's voice, so I wouldn't be too concerned with that.

Haruhi is somewhat...I don't know if there's a single word for it, but she's domineering like usual yet in a negative sort of way?  If, for example, she doesn't say he's dense, her insistence on stretching and setting the tone from the year come off more unambiguously positive, if in a weird, bizarre, Haruhi-like way.  Maybe I'm making too much of the kinds of things I've had to do with The Coin to try to keep Haruhi in check, though.  These things don't strike me as wrong per se, but I do think they affect how Haruhi is seen and what kind of vibe the reader gets from her.  I will say that, because Kyon bounces off her so well and doesn't attach too much import to what negativity she does express, it may not matter to someone who isn't really looking to pick at Haruhi.  I do feel like that's Kyon's way, so that's good.

Okay, there's something I'm failing to get across here. I guess I should make the tsundere mind games being played much more explicit... somehow. You're right in surmising that Kyon has successfully stood up to her, but that's almost exactly what Haruhi wanted to see in the first place.

You're right that this isn't the central point of the story, but I appreciate the feedback that I've completely failed to produce even a hint at the specific interpretation I had in mind.

EDIT: Aand the edit is up. I took the liberty of keeping in 'lazybones'... if that specific word is too strong (to me it could be made to sound even affectionate), wouldn't mind knowing. One other abusive bit has been toned down, and I think Haruhi sounds much more genki for it.

[Muphrid]

Re: futons as mattresses.  On the contrary, I think I've just learned something new.

"Would it help if it was a double date? I could wake Mikuru up, or Yuki-chan..."

Okay, if we're doing that, Mikuru-chan and Yuki.

"I SAID SORRY!" Haruhi loses her indoor voice at me completely, and then drops to an angry whisper (probably concerned about waking up her parents), "Sheesh, why are you treating it like it's something groundbreaking coming from me?? Yes, I can apologize for stuff, if you hadn't noticed! I said what you say when you waste someone's time up in the middle of the night because you had an odd idea! Anyhow, Kyon, good night. Sorry I interrupted your rest, but do you honestly have to rub it in? Sweet dreams, we'll discuss the appropriate penalty for your horrendous cheek in the morning."

You have some present tense here, too.


Otherwise, I do like the change to Haruhi's stretching paragraph.

[Arakawa]

Here's shard number two. Kind of rough, although a bunch of the hokeyness is excused by the setting.



December 21, 10:03am

The first premonition that things were slightly off came subtly and far, far too quietly.

You see, I'd started walking Haruhi Suzumiya to school in the mornings.

It was, now that I think about it, decidedly too good to be true (without major qualifications) and should have tipped me off that, deep in the innermost recesses of her mind, Haruhi had been planning something which would soon give me a major headache.

"So, Kyon," she began, "I think we should consider Tanabata this year a rousing success."

Hm? What do you mean?

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!"

I don't. We took a bamboo and hung wishes on it. Given that the results of the wishes will allegedly not be seen for over a decade, I'm not even sure how I would distinguish between a success and a failure in this kind of endeavour.

"It's not the wishes that are the main thing! No, we have to consider these shared celebrations as a way to forge an unbreakable bond of trust between Brigade members, and we need to think of other ways to forge these bonds using other ancient rituals -- that way, no matter how we feel about each other at the moment, things will turn out okay eventually! Trust me, you're going to have plenty of chances to contribute on your end, which is why I'm bringing this up..."

That's odd, though, I would indeed recall a Tanabata which involved the forging of an unbreakable bond of trust between myself and Haruhi. What is worrying is that, on her part, Haruhi should have no idea that this is the case. Is she really beginning to guess at the possibility that...

"You're not listening to me!" Haruhi jabbed me in the elbow playfully, "Hold on, I know what to do!"

Before I could even blink, Haruhi had tied a magnificent ponytail and was standing in front of me.

"How do I look?"

To be honest, I don't think that helps me concentrate. Previously I was distracted from listening properly by my worries and the pleasantly warm spring sunshine, and now I'm going to be distracted by your ponytail and the thought that I really might be developing a serious fetish...

"Honestly? That's your awful secret perversion? That you have a thing for ponytails?" Haruhi teased.

No, I don't think this is a small issue. Even if we make the important distinction between a perversion or fetish, I'm very concerned that this small issue is, in fact, a damper on the very strong bond of trust we indeed have going right now. Consider, if every time you tie a ponytail I'm distracted by this mental image I have of reaching behind you and swatting the ponytail like so, either I let that stand between us or, even worse...

"Hey!"

Exactly my point. (Although you don't seem nearly as angry as you ought to be.)

"What a load of nonsense! I mean, I can think of worse things to be turned on by..." she added thoughtfully.

I was satisfied to be able to able to give the exactly right type of uncomprehending and slightly condescending look in response to make Haruhi blush like a tomato. But I don't think my face escaped a blush either. Maybe because it's very probable that we were both imagining Asahina-san in a series of incredibly dashing costumes right at that time.

Fortunately, we were distracted from this awkward moment by the incredibly unlikely sight that opened up around the next corner.

"Owowow, let me go, I wasn't going to do anything to you, honest!"

Namely, I saw Tsuruya-sempai, the mysterious yet incredibly popular star student of North High, dragging Yasumi Watahashi down the street by one ear. It looked kind of painful. Yasumi immediately turned to me and started pleading for her life:

"Kyon-kun, I'm scared! Help me! I've never been grabbed by the ear before!"

Hold on, what? In case you haven't realized how alarming this is, Yasumi Watahashi has been alleged to be some... subconscious manifestation of Haruhi Suzumiya? I don't really care about the details, since to form an opinion on them I'd have to question Koizumi and obtain a tedious series of half-truths and obfuscations from him. Regardless, Yasumi shouldn't appear unless there's a very good reason for it, and I didn't know what this reason is.

The problem is that I'm not sure Yasumi is even aware of her own strange background any more than Haruhi is. In fact, they were looking straight through each other, as it were, which made the whole situation decidedly odd. It's as if only Tsuruya and I could see both Haruhi and the other girl.

Tsuruya tightened her grip on Yasumi's ear.

Okay, I'm surprised that Tsuruya of all people is treating her with such arbitrary brutality, and I'm surprised that Yasumi let herself get caught, but she is first and foremost a middle schooler. This is completely unacceptable.

"No! I set the rules here! And this girl has to explain why she walked right into the middle of my mansion and attempted to incapacitate me!"

"I didn't mean to do anything like that! I was going to check your mansion to see if there's a basilisk egg and you put up a resistance and I overdid it and..."

"Yes, and you overdid it in my family mansion! Really, you're kind of a lucky girl, given that I was the one who ran into you and not one of the other inhabitants!"

"But my school sent me on a scavenger hunt!"

A middle school scavenger hunt which involves a basilisk? Really...

"Honest! It's true! I got the eggplant first, and then I got really confident and decided to go for something harder to find..."

Wait, I'm almost-remembering something about eggplants right about now...

"No, it's for a scavenger hunt! It's as literally and honestly true as the fact that we're all on the way to school right now!" Yasumi smiles innocently at me.

For some reason Tsuruya found this uproariously funny, to the extent that, doubling over from laughter, she accidentally let go of Yasumi.

"Kyon-kun, I'msorrythisisallamisunderstanding, Iswearit'sforagoodcause!" Yasumi limped past me as fast as she could, nursing a distinctly reddened ear. "See you guys later!"

And she was gone. Somehow I didn't even manage to notice where she'd disappeared to. Haruhi was no help, throughout this exchange she'd acted like we were just swatting away a bee, hardly worthy of being noticed.

"Okay, Tsuruya-sempai..." I said, "Normally I would respect your judgment in such matters, but I can't imagine what Watahashi could have done that allows you to treat her like that."

(And I do indeed respect your judgment, having deservedly been on the painful receiving end of your martial arts due to some admittedly rash behaviour. But that was in an alternate reality.)

"In short, in future, can I ask you to pick on someone your own size?"

Strangely unrepentant, Tsuruya made a tsk, tsk noise and fixed me with a sort of calm, utterly fearless stare normally reserved for a cockroach that's found its way onto a dining room table. It was very disconcerting to see this stare employed on a human, and even more disconcerting to see it employed on myself specifically.

"Ah," she said slowly, "but how do you know that was even happening for real? If it isn't real then does it matter either way how I treat the intruder?"

That's...

"All you have to go on in determining your reality is misleading sensory impressions!"

Oh, I think I know where this is going. Still, I'll bite. We generally receive impressions of things that are real, don't we? Even if there are misleading inaccuracies, over time we can learn to compensate for them and form an understanding of the world as it really is...

"But how do you know your brain isn't just fooling you into thinking that you're receiving sensory impressions of something real! In fact, your brain might even be fooling you into thinking you exist when you actually don't!"

This is the old Skeptic's argument against the possibility of any knowledge existing whatsoever. Even if Tsuruya has stated it in a way that is even more remarkably eccentric, that doesn't make it actually useful for real life. Your sensory impressions are all you have to go on, so you might as well give up? The last time I heard this I was tempted to respond by misappropriating that Zen koan about the student who got whacked on the head by a stick and achieved enlightenment.

"Okay," Haruhi took command of the situation, "there's been enough of that nonsense already! I don't think anyone needs to go whacking anyone else with sticks to demonstrate anything!"

"Excellent sentiment!" Tsuruya saluted, "No sticks and no violence necessary!"

Says the person who was just terrorizing Yasumi a minute ago.

"Anyhow!" Haruhi pressed on, "Is there any specific reason why I shouldn't think what's happening right now is completely real?"

"Ohohohoho! If you think that your reality is real, then do you remember what day it is?"

"Of course! It's December 21st."

Tsuruya frowned at this.

"Do you actually have any reason to believe that our reality isn't real?" Haruhi rejoined.

"I do! If it's December 21st..." Tsuruya paused dramatically, and pointed at the blooming sakura, "... then why is it springtime right now?"

Okay.

Have you seriously never heard of global warming?

"Wh..." Tsuruya seemed to struggle and fail to hold back one of her laughing fits, "tha... HAHAHAHA... can't say anything to that! AHAHAHAHAHA! Where does my unconscious mind come up with these things?"

I'm not sure I understand what you're implying here.

"Regardless!" Tsuruya huffed and nodded, "Have you heard the news? The island of Manhattan has seceded from the United States, and it's floating around the world in search of extra tourist revenue! It's anchored in the middle of Osaka Bay right now!"

That's... I vaguely remember having heard something about it.

"No one told me!" Haruhi started shouting, "Why did no one inform me of this previously? This is the perfect opportunity for a Brigade excursion!"

"Exactly! Why don't you get going right now?" Tsuruya winked at us.

I... suppose we could make a day trip of it?

"Great!" Tsuruya clapped Haruhi on the shoulder, "I expect to run into you guys there!"

She next tilted her head and said the following words:

"Hmm... you two make a surprisingly nice couple! I'll have to remember this..."

And then she leapt on top of a nearby fence, ricocheted off a tree, and zoomed away into the sky. Which I guess proves how hyperactive Tsuruya-san can really get sometimes.

Haruhi frowned at this sight.

"Doesn't Tsuruya usually speak with a lisp?"

Hold on, Haruhi, I'm not sure it's actually called a lisp, but let me try to think about this logically for a moment.

Tsuruya-san indeed has a pronunciation defect due to the shape of her teeth, so logically she would be unable to speak without putting "-s" at the end of every other word. However, she was indeed just now speaking without the slightest trace of a lisp... or whatever it's actually called.

Something very strange is indeed going on here...

[sarsaparilla]

I'm not quite sure what to make of these, at this stage. It looks rather obvious that the second shard is a dream sequence, which raises the question whether the first one is like that as well. But who's the one having the dreams, or are there several? This also makes it hard to say whether the characters are true to themselves, as dreams are always a subjective interpretation, and even then dream characters may be just caricatures of their real world counterparts.

The narration flows well. Overall, I find the unpredictability and occasional absurdity rather interesting, but can't see any larger picture, at least as of yet. If the given time is to be trusted, the story is situated well past the last novel, making it harder to assess character integrity (as things may have changed meanwhile).

About the only technical issue is that I wonder whether parentheses are really necessary in prose. I tend to avoid them completely, although I'm not aware of any hard rules on the usage.

[Muphrid]

Fortunately, we were distracted from this awkward moment by the incredibly unlikely sight that opened up around the next corner.

There's a bit of passive voice throughout this passage (as above), and while I don't think it must be stamped out on sight, it may be worth looking at each instance yourself and deciding if that's really the construction you want to use.

"Kyon-kun, I'm scared! Help me! I've never been grabbed by the ear before!"

Did she, uh, not refer to him as "Sempai"?

"No, it's for a scavenger hunt! It's as literally and honestly true as the fact that we're all on the way to school right now!" Yasumi smiles innocently at me.

Present tense.

Wait, I'm almost-remembering something about eggplants right about now...

Not sure the hyphen is needed.

"In short, in future, can I ask you to pick on someone your own size?"

In "the" future?  And having "in short, in future" right next to each other reads funny.

"But how do you know your brain isn't just fooling you into thinking that you're receiving sensory impressions of something real! In fact, your brain might even be fooling you into thinking you exist when you actually don't!"

The first sentence is a question...right?

And then she leapt on top of a nearby fence, ricocheted off a tree, and zoomed away into the sky. Which I guess proves how hyperactive Tsuruya-san can really get sometimes.

This is the first she's referred to as Tsuruya-san.


So Haruhi and Kyon walking together, Kyon worrying about the ponytail fetish--all good stuff.  It does sound like Tsuruya thought it was her dream, though.  With Kyon's narration, maybe it's all their dream?