[Haruhi] Fragmentation

[Halbarad]

Something to work on while In Your Dreams gets passed back and forth. Prologue is here for now; this is probably rough as hell, but I need to start somewhere. =\

Apologies for the mixed HTML tags in here.

[Grahf]

I'll definitely be keeping a close eye on this one. I'm somewhat curious as to what happened at the end, but I'm guessing that you'll be leaving that to be explained further on. I can't really go into any intense grammatical corrections, but nothing leaped out at me in terms of 'that's awkward'.

Some general questions:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Does this mean that Asakura no longer looks like herself, but rather another character? If so is this an OC that's sort of not an OC, or could this even be a character that's already in canon?

I like your interpretation of her thought processes, that she'd rather not have killed Kyon, but simply had try as it was what her faction agreed to as the quickest and easiest solution.

[Brian]

Something to work on while In Your Dreams gets passed back and forth. Prologue is here for now; this is probably rough as hell, but I need to start somewhere. =\

Sorry about lagging on that front. >_>

Spoiler: ShowHide

There is a sense of separation, of <i>silence</i> that may be the most jarring thing of all - the connection to the Integrated Data Sentience Entity has been broken. It will be reestablished, but not in time for... me to prevent the interface from being deleted. Strange, to consider... myself as separate, but the nature of the interface itself and the manner in which it interacts with others force a form of individuation, and with no active connection to the Entity it asserts itself quite strongly.

Hmm....  Feels like there's a missing closing parenthetical (comma) after 'silence'.

'force' or 'forces'?

This interface is beginning to fragment; the offensive routines Nagato planted began to activate as soon as she broke into the sandboxed environment, breaking down the physical integrity of my interface unit. At this point it requires focused data manipulation just to maintain any sort of presence, and even that is a losing battle as the disassembly routines continue to reinforce one another.

'interface unit' sounds a bit repetitive, or....  I'm not sure; something about it doesn't scan smoothly.  Maybe just 'interface' or 'interface's physical form'?  I think 'interface unit' sounds like a measurement, somehow.

...this leads to a joke in my head about Ryouko gloating to Nagato that she has more 'Interface units,' while humming 'Tsurupettan'. >_>

With no link to the activists' processing capacity, ...I can do little more than act according to a basic ruleset - and in this case, all that is available any longer is communications and data sharing. Since ...my process was dedicated to the operation of this interface during the period where the decision to terminate was made, I lack complete insight into the analysis that determined that the target should be terminated in order to stimulate a reaction from the observation subject. When the process is recaptured after the interface's destruction, however, access to that analysis should be simple - and a high priority, as all of the contributing factors that led up to this failure will be.

Is 'activists' the right word?

The target seems to lack sufficient data to understand the current situation, and it is something of which he should be aware. It's clear that the attempt to initiate a reaction via the termination of his interface was a prospect that was both unwelcome and unexpected; the reasoning why this should be so remains beyond understanding at this time, but in theory the awareness that the potential exists for this to occur again - from any vector - should allow him to prepare in whatever ways he finds appropriate.

Interesting that her thoughts are that Kyon should know to protect himself from other interfaces -- and that's the extent of her reasons her reason for doing it.

Asakura: "Kyon is _my_ prey.

...natch.

"I lost. It's great that you can survive. But you'd better be careful, the Integrated Data Sentience Entity isn't as united as you think, there are quite a number like me with dissenting opinions."

I think somewhere in here, maybe Ryouko's dialog should have some excalamation points?  She emulates emotion well, after all; might be a nice counterpoint to the logic of her thought-process.

There are new interfaces being dispatched as we speak. As an indirect observation and support unit, this interface was designed to detect even minor data manipulation attempts, regardless of its connection status with the Entity's core, and I can already detect the signature of another nearby - likely a replacement to take up the backup observer role, since it will be vacant quite soon.

Repetition of detect -- maybe 'register' for the second?

"It's just like humans, there will be extremists like me next time." Admittedly, none of the interfaces I can detect are aligned with the activist faction that I can tell, but it's merely a matter of time, after all.

First sentence, I'd suggest dropping 'It's'.  Second sentence, something about the 'Admittedly' and 'after all' clauses scans awkwardly.  Can't put my finger on it.

"And who knows, even those who control Nagato-san might change their thinking and turn to killing you instead." Possible, but unlikely at this juncture - barring some major change in the observation dynamics. Nagato is for all intents and purposes her own faction, at this point, and while there is little doubt that her objectives strongly correlate with the analytics', the fact that she is capable of analyzing givens and determining an appropriate cause of action independent from her originating faction is likely to cause some degree of divergence in those objectives sooner or later.

givens -- data (?)

Last sentence is very long.  Suggest breaking at 'point, and' (maybe replace the comma with a semi-colon?)

Perceptions change. To describe how would be futile; what can be sensed within the Entity's dataspace is not readily described in terms that relate to physical reality. Most of what can be detected are the shapes and sounds of computation; attempting to describe this would be as effective as trying to describe the color blue to a human born without eyes.

Mmm, dataspace. :)

The process designated as Asakura continues to wait; while the information is useful to explain her failure, if there was no fault in her actions, there is no point in simply delivering that information to her - unless there is something more to be said.

Somehow, I think this should be taken a bit further.  Not just 'more to be said' but 'new instructions to follow' or the like?

<p><b>[Perfect reproduction/emulation/simulacrum<br>
the independent interface<br>
is not possible//<br>
Direct confrontation
with the primary<br>
is not recommended]</b></p>

Is Ummon missing an 'of' at the end of line 1 or start of line 2?

The Asakura process readily saw the sense in this. With time lacking definition here, the interface would be ready when the process was prepared to use it; given that the parameters of the newly designed unit were known, however, familiarization would be useful. Since there would likely be contention with the primary again, it would be best to know the limits of the new interface before confrontation occurred.

Tenses just shifted from present to past?

With testing and familiarization completed, though, little remained except the insertion of the interface itself. The faction, recognizing the Asakura process as an independent agent, at this point, left her with final instructions:

Feels like one of the commas on either side of 'at this point' should go.  Not sure which one, but probably the first?

<p><b>[Your ultimate goal<br>
is prompting action in<br>
the observation subject//<br>
The target remains unimportant/trivial/meaningless<br>
aside from this goal]</b></p>

Kyon's just a means to an end?  Burn.

The process... no, no longer just the process. The faction known as Asakura indicated its agreement, noting its detachment from the larger body of the activist faction. The physical resources dedicated to the interface were allocated to her new, separate faction, and Asakura initiated the carrier wave that would install her process in the physical interface.

Asakura: Sweet~!  The memory enhancement has increased my interface units!
Nagato: *silent pettanko glower*

Ryouko took a few minutes to settle into her new interface; the familiarization exercises had gotten her used to a simulated version of the new capabilities she now had, but even with the best attempts at manipulating real matter the IDSE as a whole could muster, there was always some slight variation between simulation and reality.

Makes sense.  Why else would they check things out firsthand?

Now, however, she was no longer fettered by the need to obtain the approval of the consensus to act. Oh, previously she'd had some minor autonomy - the faction couldn't be bothered to provide input for basic functions or minor social interactions - but any major activity would require the activists to reach some form of agreement before the plan could be implemented. Thanks to the fact that the main body of the data entity stood separate from time this usually didn't respond to much of a delay within the bounds of time, but nevertheless it was there.

Respond -- correspond?

However, there was an alternative - a trans-temporal insertion. Ryouko had been part of the activists' simulations of the technique prior to the appearance of the current observation targets, but Suzumiya Haruhi's appearance had put many of the IDSE's major projects on hold. She retained enough from the initial examination of the procedure to know how to actually perform such a transition, but the simulations had been halted before all of the resultant effects of such a direct manipulation of time would incur.

Alternate timeplane?

Still, if she was directed to experiment, why not start here? Just to be on the safe side, she sent a backup of her current process state to the activists' faction for archival; however, the processing required to complete the process necessitated shutting down her connection to her faction once the transmission was complete - and so it was that she never received the abort messages before the transition was completed, and she and her interface permanently disappeared from the space-time continuum.

abort message -- abort command (?)

Looks good so far. :)

[Halbarad]

I'll definitely be keeping a close eye on this one.

Why am I not surprised? =)

Spoiler: ShowHide

Does this mean that Asakura no longer looks like herself, but rather another character? If so is this an OC that's sort of not an OC, or could this even be a character that's already in canon?

No, sorry if that was unclear. She was considering that the only way to interact with Kyon going forward would be to change her appearance, but her appearance was designed as 'optimized' so she's hesitant to change it - besides which, doing so wouldn't fool Yuki for a second.

I like your interpretation of her thought processes, that she'd rather not have killed Kyon, but simply had try as it was what her faction agreed to as the quickest and easiest solution.

Bear in mind here that she was also the one to suggest killing him as well. It was one of several different possibilities she'd submitted to her faction for an indirect interaction with Haruhi, and while it wouldn't have been her first choice, she was quite happy to give it a try.

[Halbarad]

Sorry about lagging on that front. >_>

No big, life happens. God knows I dragged my feet enough on chapter 3 anyway. =P

As usual, if I don't comment on a correction I used it.

Spoiler: ShowHide

'interface unit' sounds a bit repetitive, or....  I'm not sure; something about it doesn't scan smoothly.  Maybe just 'interface' or 'interface's physical form'?  I think 'interface unit' sounds like a measurement, somehow.

Went with "interface's physical shell".

...this leads to a joke in my head about Ryouko gloating to Nagato that she has more 'Interface units,' while humming 'Tsurupettan'. >_>

It's extra processor cache! Or something...

* Halbarad whistles nonchalantly.

Is 'activists' the right word?

I'm trying to avoid using the labels directly out of Hyperion; if you've got a suggestion for this that doesn't have negative connotations (since Asakura wouldn't refer to her own faction in such a way, I think) I'm open to using it.

Probably won't come up often outside this prologue anyway.

Interesting that her thoughts are that Kyon should know to protect himself from other interfaces -- and that's the extent of her reasons her reason for doing it.

Asakura: "Kyon is _my_ prey.

...natch.

Well, he's inserted himself into the eye of a hurricane by getting close to Haruhi. Given his reaction, she mostly feels that he doesn't really have any idea of the scope of what he's gotten himself into (which is absolutely true, this is the first 'proof' canonically), so she's basically saying 'yeah, this is only the beginning, get yourself ready for it.'

I think somewhere in here, maybe Ryouko's dialog should have some excalamation points?  She emulates emotion well, after all; might be a nice counterpoint to the logic of her thought-process.

Her actual dialogue here is taken directly from the fan translation, so any lack of punctuation or emotion is a result of that.

I can change it, obviously, the question is more whether I should.

Repetition of detect -- maybe 'register' for the second?

Actually went with 'pick up' for the first.

First sentence, I'd suggest dropping 'It's'.  Second sentence, something about the 'Admittedly' and 'after all' clauses scans awkwardly.  Can't put my finger on it.

For the first, again fault goes to the translation. For the second... hmm.

Admittedly, none of the interfaces I can currently detect are aligned with the activist faction, but it's merely a matter of time before my group manages to replace me.

givens -- data (?)

The terms are synonymous. I can change it over if it's not clear, though.

Last sentence is very long.  Suggest breaking at 'point, and' (maybe replace the comma with a semi-colon?)

Put in a more explicit break with a semicolon and removed an extraneous comma. If it's still too long, I can break it down further, but it's all pretty connected.

Nagato is for all intents and purposes her own faction at this point; while there is little doubt that her objectives strongly correlate with the analytics', the fact that she is capable of analyzing givens and determining an appropriate cause of action independent from her originating faction is likely to cause some degree of divergence in those objectives sooner or later.

Tenses just shifted from present to past?

Not... quite clear how? There's a lot of supposition going on here, and while I don't remember the specific tense name involved with that, it does do odd things with past/present tense.

Kyon's just a means to an end?  Burn.

Of course. Haruhi's the only thing the IDSE as a greater whole cares about. It's also a bit of a warning - they're aware that she's taken a particular interest in Kyon as a means of getting to Haruhi, so she's being told bluntly to remember that this is about Haruhi, not Kyon.

Asakura: Sweet~!  The memory enhancement has increased my interface units!
Nagato: *silent pettanko glower*

ぺったん、ぺったん、つるぺったん♪

Alternate timeplane?

Basically. She didn't know that would happen, though, as she wasn't a part of the simulation process up until the end - thus the attempt at warning her.

Looks good so far. :)

Spiffy. =)

[Arakawa]

Bear in mind here that she was also the one to suggest killing him as well. It was one of several different possibilities she'd submitted to her faction for an indirect interaction with Haruhi, and while it wouldn't have been her first choice, she was quite happy to give it a try.

Interesting.

I'd be inclined to guess that Asakura's faction was anticipating interference and wanted something which would quickly produce an irreversible change, whereas other methods (e.g. trying to drive a wedge between him and Haruhi) are gradual and even reversible, so they would have given the rest of the IDSE even more time to stop Asakura.

So, Kyon gets to die.

(And maybe they made the wrong bet. If Asakura had figured out something that relies much more on a knowledge of social interaction, maybe the IDSE would've had a hard time determining that the resulting effect was her doing.)

[Halbarad]

They weren't really anticipating interference; it's more that most of the other suggestions required a more accurate/detailed knowledge of social interactions, and there was a lot more risk of them getting screwed up or stonewalled by factors outside their control. Killing Kyon was judged to be highly likely to cause a reaction with Haruhi, and very simple to pull off - they weren't expecting Nagato to interfere at all, or likely Asakura would have taken more precautions.

[Brian]

As usual, if I don't comment on a correction I used it.

Good policy. :p

Spoiler: ShowHide

...this leads to a joke in my head about Ryouko gloating to Nagato that she has more 'Interface units,' while humming 'Tsurupettan'. >_>

It's extra processor cache! Or something...

* Halbarad whistles nonchalantly.

Kyon: "So, this means that Asahina-san--"

Is 'activists' the right word?

I'm trying to avoid using the labels directly out of Hyperion; if you've got a suggestion for this that doesn't have negative connotations (since Asakura wouldn't refer to her own faction in such a way, I think) I'm open to using it.

Probably won't come up often outside this prologue anyway.

If it's not going to come up again, it's probably fine.

Her actual dialogue here is taken directly from the fan translation, so any lack of punctuation or emotion is a result of that.

I can change it, obviously, the question is more whether I should.

I take liberties when quoting the fan translation directly.  As long as the meaning is unchanged....  But that's really up to you.

For the first, again fault goes to the translation. For the second... hmm.

Admittedly, none of the interfaces I can currently detect are aligned with the activist faction, but it's merely a matter of time before my group manages to replace me.

Looks good.

givens -- data (?)

The terms are synonymous. I can change it over if it's not clear, though.

This one -- probably because it only appears once -- feels a bit strange.

Not... quite clear how? There's a lot of supposition going on here, and while I don't remember the specific tense name involved with that, it does do odd things with past/present tense.

Actually, I missed a scene-break.  Never mind me. >_<

Asakura: Sweet~!  The memory enhancement has increased my interface units!
Nagato: *silent pettanko glower*

?????????????????

Just a call-back to the earlier joke.

Basically. She didn't know that would happen, though, as she wasn't a part of the simulation process up until the end - thus the attempt at warning her.