[Haruhi][Rewrite] Downfall

[Brian]

Heads up -- if you've not read the original, this one gets pretty grim in places.  Outright squicky in others.

Be advised.

This is my first go at a rewrite to try and smooth over some parts that seemed rough in retrospect, and expand on the ending a bit.  There's now an added epilogue, which I like, but falls squarely into 'implausibly optimistic' for others, I expect.  If you don't like it, pretend it's not canon to the story. >_>

[Gotonis]

Hello. This is my first time trying heavy C&C, but hopefully it'll help nonetheless.

Here's what I've found for Act I:

That thought felt like it kick-started his heart

The thought isn't feeling anything.

Itsuki's normal smile faded slightly. "I find it a comforting thought....

I'd go with 'I find that a comforting thought'

[size=78%]"[/size]I am simply stressed, and pressing you too closely;....

I forget what this error is called, but that comma shouldn't be there. It deprives 'pressing' of a subject.

[size=78%]"....[/size][size=78%]The bonds of trust between us all are solid, and I should not test them so. I apologize."[/size]

I'm not entirely sure how much I agree with this statement. Of course, if it's disputable, then Koizumi would know how disputable it is... I'm not sure on this one.
I'm not entirely sure about the last actual paragraph of that scene. It seems rather out of character for Kyon. There may be a difference based on viewpoint, but it still seems rather strange, not even in that he's telling Koizumi his plan as much as in how he's telling him.
Also in said paragraph is the following.

If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken.

This is a fragment, and the even seems to be misplaced.

Kyon went to his shoe-locker, freezing at the sight of a decorated envelope awaiting him.

This implies that the envelope is outside of the shoe locker (which I don't believe needs a hyphen).
Mikuru's request seems a bit OoC as well. I don't think she'd ask Kyon to skip class and leave school like that; I think she'd be more likely to meet with him somewhere in the school. The clubroom would probably work, especially considering Nagato's absence. After reading further in, this opinion is shaken a bit, but the clubroom would still be able to function.

"You have his measure, then?"

Wait, what?
Actually, the setup for this part seems a little forced. I don't think Koizumi would be almost late, and I'm pretty sure Haruhi's almost always early.

but I'd like to think that it might ... shed some light when Kyon-kun feels surrounded by darkness.

Why the lapse into 3rd person? It seems rather out of place, especially when there's a second person pronoun earlier in the sentence.
Asakura's actions seem to be a bit out of line. I think that at this point she'd be a little more concerned with Kuyoh and the Sky Canopy Dominion, although I may be wrong.
Also, how would killing Kyon render her autonomous?

Haruhi was asleep in his bed, exhausted by everything Itsuki had told her -- everything that had happened.

Koizumi's bed, I assume? The his is a bit ambiguous.

"The responsibility of explaining Nagato Yuki's circumstances fall to you;

It should be 'The responsibility ... falls to you.'


Right. I apologize if I'm being condescending or anything with the grammar corrections or anything.

[Dracos]

Welcome to the boards, Gotonis.  Just a heads up, it makes things easier in back and forth if you keep the tag count low.  Otherwise things can tend to bleed when folks are quote responding back to you.

[Brian]

Hello. This is my first time trying heavy C&C, but hopefully it'll help nonetheless.

Oh, hello.  I don't ... think we've met? :)

Welcome to the forums!

Here's what I've found for Act I:

Excellent -- thanks for taking the time. :D

The thought isn't feeling anything.

I actually don't see a problem with this one -- but if it scans poorly, it's easily revised.

His heart felt like it was kick-started by that thought.  Roused from his sour mood slightly, he shook his head and took a deep breath.

[size=78%]"[/size]I am simply stressed, and pressing you too closely;....

I forget what this error is called, but that comma shouldn't be there. It deprives 'pressing' of a subject.

Extraneous comma, reflexive comma, or just uneccessary.

However -- this is spoken dialog, which doesn't have to be grammatically perfect.  For Koizumi you'd expect it to be, but that's all aside.  It indicates a conversational pause.

[size=78%]"....[/size][size=78%]The bonds of trust between us all are solid, and I should not test them so. I apologize."[/size]

I'm not entirely sure how much I agree with this statement. Of course, if it's disputable, then Koizumi would know how disputable it is... I'm not sure on this one.

It's somewhat iffy -- Koizumi is playing it up because he's fishing for information.  He's effectively manipulating Kyon (quite well, too).

I'm not entirely sure about the last actual paragraph of that scene. It seems rather out of character for Kyon. There may be a difference based on viewpoint, but it still seems rather strange, not even in that he's telling Koizumi his plan as much as in how he's telling him.

Out of character for Kyon to trust Koizumi?  Debatable -- but Koizumi's being manipulative, and even if Kyon doesn't typically like Koizumi, at that point in the novels, he does trust him.

Also in said paragraph is the following.

If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken.

This is a fragment, and the even seems to be misplaced.

Huh ... not sure how I missed that. o_O?

If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken by recent events....

This is meant to be the line that implies Kyon is sharing the secret because he thinks Koizumi's uncertain and wants assurance (as Koizumi basically states earlier in that scene).

Kyon went to his shoe-locker, freezing at the sight of a decorated envelope awaiting him.

This implies that the envelope is outside of the shoe locker (which I don't believe needs a hyphen).

Actually, what you infer and what I imply are different.  Very slightly. :p

But I clarified:

Not wanting to speak with him, Kyon went to his shoe locker and opened it, freezing at the sight of a decorated envelope awaiting him.

Mikuru's request seems a bit OoC as well. I don't think she'd ask Kyon to skip class and leave school like that; I think she'd be more likely to meet with him somewhere in the school. The clubroom would probably work, especially considering Nagato's absence. After reading further in, this opinion is shaken a bit, but the clubroom would still be able to function.

No, the clubroom wouldn't work for this.  I can't see Haruhi running away from Mikuru and Kyon, there, and it would be much harder for her to spy on them and see the critical exchange later.

"You have his measure, then?"

Wait, what?

Somewhat outdated idiom.  Effectively in this context, Koizumi's being a bit smug and asking, "You know what he's up to?"

If it doesn't work for anyone else, I can easily revise that.

Actually, the setup for this part seems a little forced. I don't think Koizumi would be almost late, and I'm pretty sure Haruhi's almost always early.

To the first, Koizumi wasn't late, he was waiting.  Keep in mind that (as mentioned later in this chapter), he's got time travelers working with him, too, so there's a certain amount of foreknowledge.

To the second, this is from novel 10 (maybe 9 or 11) -- Haruhi comes to school barely before the bell because she was checking on Yuki.  I guess I can mention that in the narration, but I feel it'd slow things down; I like the streamlines storytellign style for this one.

but I'd like to think that it might ... shed some light when Kyon-kun feels surrounded by darkness.

Why the lapse into 3rd person? It seems rather out of place, especially when there's a second person pronoun earlier in the sentence.

A combination of trying for 'cute' factor, and also to emphasize Mikuru's nervousness.  I think I've done this elsewhere, too.  (From a technical standpoint, that's how it would be in Japanese -- doing it constantly, eeeh....  But once in a while, I think works.  Again, if there are other complaints, I can fix it.)

Asakura's actions seem to be a bit out of line. I think that at this point she'd be a little more concerned with Kuyoh and the Sky Canopy Dominion, although I may be wrong.

Kimidori lampshades this later -- Ryouko was unstable, and this was a good opportunity to get rid of her.

Also, how would killing Kyon render her autonomous?

I couldn't figure that one out, myself.  She still tells Kyon she wants to try it in novel 10, though!  We may never get an answer.

Haruhi was asleep in his bed, exhausted by everything Itsuki had told her -- everything that had happened.

Koizumi's bed, I assume? The his is a bit ambiguous.

Swapped his name with the 'his,' then.

"The responsibility of explaining Nagato Yuki's circumstances fall to you;

It should be 'The responsibility ... falls to you.'

Oops!

Right. I apologize if I'm being condescending or anything with the grammar corrections or anything.

Thanks for the feedback.  I'd comment in more detail myself, but I am unreasonably exhausted -- so -- thanks for taking the time, and again, welcome to the forums. :)

[Muphrid]

Trying to do like with the Insight thread.  Summarizing things helps me keep my place and see how things fit together.


Act 1:

We start with the brigade preparing to leave Nagato's apartment.  Kyon ruminates on how, if he absolutely had to, he could use the trump card to save Nagato, but he concludes there are still other options on the table.  Koizumi approaches him, and Kyon expresses confidence.  Koizumi offers him a ride, which Kyon accepts.

"May I know what reassures you so suddenly?" the esper prompted, dropping his mask for a rare moment to show a genuinely hopeful smile as the vehicle lurched into motion.

Perhaps "May I ask..."?

Kyon begins to think that he can't solve this on his own, that he needs the others' support to make any real headway against the kinds of problems they face.  I think this is a justified thought process, considering how helpless he feels during the canonical scene in Nagato's apartment.  It might stand some more reinforcement that this (or something else, if I've misjudged) is part of what's led him to think this way.

Kyon almost laughed, managing a nod, feeling that -- for once -- the esper had shown enough of his true face that he could be honest.  If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken.  He sighed, leaning closer than he would have liked to the other boy to whisper, "Okay...."  Arakawa obligingly turned on the radio, filling the front with noise as Kyon explained what his trump card actually was.

The "If even..." does seem like it should be connected to a full sentence in some way.

Overall through this section, Koizumi does come off as non-threatening, almost enough that I can believe Kyon would feel enough at ease to confide in him.  I say almost because it strikes me as odd that Kyon would need to disclose the fine details of what exactly his trump card is to assure Koizumi that all can be managed.  Can he not say, "I have a trump card; I can convince Haruhi that she has powers and to trust me implicitly; the details aren't important," and leave it at that?

I say this because I know without this point, Koizumi doesn't get to put his own plan in motion, so it seems like some mention of how Koizumi manages to pull this particular detail out of him (but not, pointedly, that John Smith called out to Haruhi after they were finished) might be needed.

It could be you did address this point later, and I simply do not recall.


Kyon finds a letter in his shoe locker at school.

So, please!  Meet me at Kitaguchi station at 9:30 AM!  If you agree, it's very important that you not let Suzumiya-san see you!

Should it be Station?

That thought in mind, he took a breath to steel himself, then raced out the school's western exit, going a roundabout way to avoid crossing paths with her as he pushed himself, tearing down the hill toward the nearer Kuyouen station.

Definitely Kouyouen.


Haruhi muses on how sitting behind Kyon is reassuring.

Haruhi didn't want to admit it, but now that Yuki was sick, sitting in the boring classroom behind Kyon was actually one of the more reassuring parts of her day.  She could still focus on and get through her lessons, but it was sheer tedium.  Her only real consolation was the fact that he was just as upset about circumstances as she was -- that was the only thing that kept her from screaming in frustration about the entire state of affairs.

Emphasis mine; I think one of these two onlys might be best removed.

He was the one she could vent her complaints about concerning Yuki's condition and ... somehow ... it felt like he had a deeper understanding of the situation than he pretended.  He ignored her bluster about making Yuki better, while still encouraging her to do her best ... as though he believed she could effect a positive change no matter what she did.

Maybe just "about"?

Haruhi catches sight of Kyon leaving the grounds and follows him, eventually with Koizumi as well.  When Koizumi remarks how he's "eternally at her side," Haruhi has a thought:

She huffed at that and nodded, looking away.  Itsuki wasn't like....

Itsuki wasn't like Kyon, in the way that he would show her such overt loyalty?

Heart pounding, a sour expression on his face, Kyon reached Kitaguchi station, leaving his bike in the storage locker for the moment and scanning around for Mikuru's older self.

Earlier, Haruhi say Kyon jogging down the street, but now he has to worry about his bike?  It seems unlikely, even for Haruhi, that she could keep up with him if he's on his bike.


Kyon makes it to the station and, curiously, finds the younger Asahina there, who invites him to coffee. 

Once their server had taken their orders and vanished through the doorway, Mikuru took a deep breath.  "O...okay.  Um ... as ... you know, there are usually certain, important restrictions about ... what and when can be said," she began carefully.

Perhaps "about what can be said and when"?

He sighed, running a hand through his hair.  Missing a day of school was going to cause him trouble, especially with that recent poor exam result.  Still ... it was Mikuru, so he couldn't really say he felt upset by it, if he was confused.  It was silent for a moment, while he tried to understand her motivations.  At the same time, her expression slowly changed to dawning understanding.

Perhaps "even if he was confused"?  "Understand" and "understanding," and I find the last sentence puzzling.  Asahina is only beginning to realize the intentions behind her orders here?  Is that what this should mean?

Asahina sidles up to Kyon.


Haruhi and Koizumi follow Kyon on the train.

With Itsuki at her side, they managed to scurry to one side of the ugly hedge surrounding the stupid cafe that Mikuru had led Kyon to....  What was Mikuru up to, anyway?  Haruhi wanted to be mad at Kyon for doing something this moronic, but he'd been dressed for school, and Mikuru hadn't.  Had she then ... called him here?

Not sure what to do about one of these sides.

Haruhi sees Asahina kiss Kyon, and she reels from this.  Koizumi is there to support her, both physically as she loses her balance and emotionally, and then he says there's something she hasn't realized.

Drawing himself full upright, almost striking a pose, he gave her a very solemn, almost familiar look ... as though....  "Haruhi," he said, unexpectedly -- Unwelcomely! -- familiar, causing a jolt though the tangled emotions she still hadn't sorted out.

Repetition again.


Kyon is stunned at the kiss and wonders if Asahina might be a fake like before, but her shaken reaction to him convinces him she's real.  Asakura appears behind him somewhat suddenly. 

"I'll explain~!" she offered, syrupy sweet, the knife remaining held perfectly stationary, even as she herself shifted around to move into--  He closed his eyes.  He had that much control over himself, at least.

Asakura is still behind him (?) yet somehow he perceives the knife as staying still?

Asakura makes it known that Kyon is no longer important, so the Entity has decided that terminating him is no big deal.


Cut to Haruhi asleep in bed, while Kimidori and Koizumi have a conversation.

"The responsibility of explaining Nagato Yuki's circumstances fall to you; our half of the bargain is complete."

Falls.

Even the time travelers had acknowledged that it was a predetermined event, though.  Without their help, he thought it might have been impossible.

This puzzled me.  It seems clear that the time travelers would need to be involved to get Asahina to instigate what happened, yet why she would do that...well, saying it's merely predetermined does cover it, I suppose.  Nevertheless, if I remember this correctly, it does raise questions about how Asahina (big) could give orders from the future if...well, come to think of it, I think I remember you addressed that, too, though the exact reasoning escapes me.

Things to learn from this story:  Koizumi is a sneaky bastard.  Getting Kyon's trump card out of him without knowing how it could benefit him, then using it so devilishly, allying with the Entity and the time-travelers to eliminate all obstacles and frighten Haruhi with her own temper is pretty slick.


Will try to get to the other acts as I can.

[JonBob]

Only a single correction that popped out at me:

Mikuru had less than me and was even wobblier on her feed

"feed" -> "feet"

"You have his measure, then?" worked for me. Apparently I'm old-fashioned enough to get it. (Off the top of my head, I picture it in a setting like Sherlock Holmes)

As for the changes to act 3 and the epilogue, I can see it going either way. In the former version, Kyon and Mikuru had 3 years together w/o Haruhi. It also, to me, comes across as "even if things become alright, there are still long term consequences". In this new revision, it feels more like Kyon is typically dense and Mikuru is her normal shy self. Of the two, I would pick the latter only because it adds more to the story. As for act 3 w/o the epilogue... I would say it feels like a good ending that's left open. So, that may or may not be what's desired.

[Brian]

thanks for the comments -- am feeling under the weather at the moment, so will reply properly later

[Gotonis]

Oh, hello.  I don't ... think we've met? :)


Welcome to the forums!

No, I don't believe we have, or at least in the forums. You may have read one of the reviews I wrote for In Your Dreams on ff.net, but otherwise no.

it makes things easier in back and forth if you keep the tag count low.

Oops. I honestly don't know how those got there. I think it was a matter of my switching b/w word and this  caused formatting errors when I tried to fix the font. Thanks for the heads up.


But on to reviewing

Out of character for Kyon to trust Koizumi?  Debatable -- but Koizumi's being manipulative, and even if Kyon doesn't typically like Koizumi, at that point in the novels, he does trust him.

I didn't have as much of an issue with telling him as much as the way he was telling him/the way you presented it.


I forgot about Haruhi's lateness at that point. never mind on that one.


Now, onward to Act II.


Ok, why is it starting in first person? Was that habit or on purpose?

Losing my self-control had cost me three people I'd known as friends, once.

That comma seems misplaced. I can conceive of it being there for emphasis or something, but I don't think it's the case this time.

I wouldn't let it happen again.

I think this would be considered an error in tense. I mean, past/present indicative is allowable, but past indicative to that would form? I'd go with 'I refuse to let/allow it to happen again.' Won't/shan't could work, but refuse seems to convey the determination in the statement better.

With Itsuki's help, I was ... still upset,....

I don't know about this one. It almost seems like Koizumi's keeping her on the upset side.
Also, I don't think Haruhi has ever called him anything other than Koizumi-kun.
That entire paragraph seems questionable, but it's also understandable considering how upset she is.

Unless they needed my help after all.

Again, I could be wrong, but this seems to be a tense error. I'd go back and look for those, I'm seeing quite a few questionable verb tense uses.


Hmm... Reading a little further in, I see that the two of them seem to be dating. In that case, I would put less weight on the suggestion to call him 'Koizumi-kun'; maybe 'Itsuki-kun'? I don't know, it seems a little weird to have her calling him 'Itsuki' straight up.


I'd do the same with 'Hayate' vs. 'Hayate-kun'. I mean, I know Haruhi's rather forward with suffixes in going to -chan almost immediately, but I don't think she just drops titles like that. I'd consider the possibility of skipping them in narration, but Kyon still gives Asahina a -san, so...

In Hayate's room, he was already at his desk....

This seems a bit out of order, but it's your call.I think the 'he' makes it read funny, but at the same time it's necessary to kill word rep.


For the record, I think the rest of that scene was executed pretty well.


The next scene, you lapse into a past tense, so you have a past describing a past-er, even though the primary time is more of a present.


...
Kyon plotting to have Haruhi killed?
Something is wrong with that statement. What did she DO?

That kind of person couldn't...I hardly did

Again, more referring to the present stuff in past tense. I mean, I understand if it's a stylistic thing, but it  seems more inconsistent.

What had killed Yuki for trying to interfere while she was injured.

It's a fragment, but in the thought stream it should be fine. I'm just wondering if this is intended in this case.

I could hear myself, demanding, whiny ...

I'd use a colon after myself.


Oh hey, the next scene switches back to third person. You do both well, but there's a little bit of a jolt in the transition, especially when you're looking for that kind of thing.

She found a new joy...

I'm thinking 'she had found a new joy' would work better.

She was sitting on the large sofa, ... but completely absorbed in her book.

I think that the ellipsis makes it a little clearer that but isn't the best conjunction to use there.

Her fingertips traced... on a picture of her and Kyon together

I'd take the on out. The subsequent 'him looking... slightly less annoyed....' seems like it could be worded a bit better. I'd either add a with or go with 'a picture of her and Kyon together in which he looked....', or something along those lines.


I love how Koizumi distrusts Kyon because he didn't tell him something he hadn't thought necessary for Koizumi to know. It's a good small detail to throw in; it just makes him so much easier to hate.


Wait, why is Haruhi doing to herself what she did to Kyon? wouldn't it have been more productive to just undo it? Never mind.


Good job with that chapter. Sorry for going so grammar intensive, especially considering how much of it could just be stylistic.

[Brian]

Trying to do like with the Insight thread.  Summarizing things helps me keep my place and see how things fit together.

Heh -- this story isn't nearly as complex. :p

"May I know what reassures you so suddenly?" the esper prompted, dropping his mask for a rare moment to show a genuinely hopeful smile as the vehicle lurched into motion.

Perhaps "May I ask..."?

Makes sense.

Kyon begins to think that he can't solve this on his own, that he needs the others' support to make any real headway against the kinds of problems they face.  I think this is a justified thought process, considering how helpless he feels during the canonical scene in Nagato's apartment.  It might stand some more reinforcement that this (or something else, if I've misjudged) is part of what's led him to think this way.

Hmm.  I can develop that a bit more, sure.

Really ... it was the others who accomplished everything.  When Yuki had changed the world and charged him with fixing it, he'd stumbled -- it had fallen to _her_ to save him.  Was he, maybe ... a little too confident in his thoughts that he could forge ahead with Haruhi without any other help?

     Visiting Yuki with the others while she was sick and being as powerless as he had been was a firm reminder of that fact.  There really was nothing he could do, on his own.

     At the same time ... that was something that only he and Haruhi knew.  A true secret.  Not that ... he thought....  Well, with Haruhi....

The "If even..." does seem like it should be connected to a full sentence in some way.

I haven't posted an updated version, but that's already been fixed. >_>;

Overall through this section, Koizumi does come off as non-threatening, almost enough that I can believe Kyon would feel enough at ease to confide in him.  I say almost because it strikes me as odd that Kyon would need to disclose the fine details of what exactly his trump card is to assure Koizumi that all can be managed.  Can he not say, "I have a trump card; I can convince Haruhi that she has powers and to trust me implicitly; the details aren't important," and leave it at that?

I say this because I know without this point, Koizumi doesn't get to put his own plan in motion, so it seems like some mention of how Koizumi manages to pull this particular detail out of him (but not, pointedly, that John Smith called out to Haruhi after they were finished) might be needed.

It could be you did address this point later, and I simply do not recall.

No, I don't really explore it later in this act.  It's not stated, and I guess I could extend the scene a bit at the cost of subtlety -- Kyon doesn't just offer the details up, Koizumi asks for them.

...actually.  That would probably fit well in a revision of act two, better than here.  Well, no, that doesn't answer the question as to 'why' if it's not plausible here.  I guess I do have to extend the scene.

My precious minimalism!

Kyon almost laughed, managing a nod, feeling that -- for once -- the esper had shown enough of his true face that he could be honest.  If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken by recent events....  He sighed, leaning closer than he would have liked to the other boy to whisper, "Okay...."  Arakawa obligingly turned on the radio, filling the front with noise.

     "In a worst cast situation," Kyon explained, "I have a trump card to convince Haruhi of her powers -- I know if we have to, I can use that, and she can help us."

     The esper's eyes widened in surprise.  "Is that ... so?  I don't understand -- what is it?  How would it work?"

     Kyon shifted his shoulders again, realizing that it _would_ be a difficult thing for the other boy to accept at face value.  "Alright," Kyon said with a sigh.  "So, last year's Tanabata, with Asahina-san's help...."

     The esper smiled with visible relief, listening eagerly.

Kyon finds a letter in his shoe locker at school.

So, please!  Meet me at Kitaguchi station at 9:30 AM!  If you agree, it's very important that you not let Suzumiya-san see you!

Should it be Station?

I ... think you're right.

Definitely Kouyouen.

Oops.  >_<

Haruhi didn't want to admit it, but now that Yuki was sick, sitting in the boring classroom behind Kyon was actually one of the more reassuring parts of her day.  She could still focus on and get through her lessons, but it was sheer tedium.  Her only real consolation was the fact that he was just as upset about circumstances as she was -- that was the only thing that kept her from screaming in frustration about the entire state of affairs.

Emphasis mine; I think one of these two onlys might be best removed.

Hmmm.  Kind of stymied on replacements -- just omitting either doesn't really work.  Ah -- just replace 'her only real' with 'the greatest.'

He was the one she could vent her complaints about concerning Yuki's condition and ... somehow ... it felt like he had a deeper understanding of the situation than he pretended.  He ignored her bluster about making Yuki better, while still encouraging her to do her best ... as though he believed she could effect a positive change no matter what she did.

Maybe just "about"?

Ah, yeah.

Haruhi catches sight of Kyon leaving the grounds and follows him, eventually with Koizumi as well.  When Koizumi remarks how he's "eternally at her side," Haruhi has a thought:

She huffed at that and nodded, looking away.  Itsuki wasn't like....

Itsuki wasn't like Kyon, in the way that he would show her such overt loyalty?

Hm.  Kind of a little double-meaning; Haruhi's also noting that she doesn't think of Koizumi 'that way.'  I think this one's alright as it is.

Heart pounding, a sour expression on his face, Kyon reached Kitaguchi station, leaving his bike in the storage locker for the moment and scanning around for Mikuru's older self.

Earlier, Haruhi say Kyon jogging down the street, but now he has to worry about his bike?  It seems unlikely, even for Haruhi, that she could keep up with him if he's on his bike.

Er, no--  Kyon rides his bike to school, and walks up the hill.  Tanigawa doesn't explain where he leaves the bike ... but it's probably at Kitaguchi station, since bringing a bike onto a train is a bit of a hassle (though doable).  Instead of grabbing the bike, which he may not use, he elects to leave it in the locker.  Still -- the detail adds nothing, so I'll drop it.

...reclaiming a tiny piece of my precious minimalism. :p

Once their server had taken their orders and vanished through the doorway, Mikuru took a deep breath.  "O...okay.  Um ... as ... you know, there are usually certain, important restrictions about ... what and when can be said," she began carefully.

Perhaps "about what can be said and when"?

That sounds good.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair.  Missing a day of school was going to cause him trouble, especially with that recent poor exam result.  Still ... it was Mikuru, so he couldn't really say he felt upset by it, if he was confused.  It was silent for a moment, while he tried to understand her motivations.  At the same time, her expression slowly changed to dawning understanding.

Perhaps "even if he was confused"?  "Understand" and "understanding," and I find the last sentence puzzling.  Asahina is only beginning to realize the intentions behind her orders here?  Is that what this should mean?

Aha--  Fixed:

He sighed, running a hand through his hair.  Missing a day of school was going to cause him trouble, especially with that recent poor exam result.  Still ... it was Mikuru, so he couldn't really say he felt upset by it, even if he was confused.  It was silent for a moment, while he tried to understand her motivations.  At the same time, her expression slowly changed to firm resolve.

Haruhi and Koizumi follow Kyon on the train.

With Itsuki at her side, they managed to scurry to one side of the ugly hedge surrounding the stupid cafe that Mikuru had led Kyon to....  What was Mikuru up to, anyway?  Haruhi wanted to be mad at Kyon for doing something this moronic, but he'd been dressed for school, and Mikuru hadn't.  Had she then ... called him here?

Not sure what to do about one of these sides.

For the second, I think I can just say they run up to the base of the hedge -- it surrounds the outdoor portion of the cafe anyway.

Drawing himself full upright, almost striking a pose, he gave her a very solemn, almost familiar look ... as though....  "Haruhi," he said, unexpectedly -- Unwelcomely! -- familiar, causing a jolt though the tangled emotions she still hadn't sorted out.

Repetition again.

Ugh.  Every single instance of repetition you pointed out, I was already aware of, and wasn't able to think of an alternative.  Well, I had a lot of time, since the initial issues, so fixed the others.

This one, I'm stuck on.  The second instance could be 'casual', but that doesn't feel it captures things right -- because it is not in any way a casual moment.

So -- I'll just drop the 'almost familiar' clause.

I feel it loses something, but I can't figure out an alternative. :\

Asakura is still behind him (?) yet somehow he perceives the knife as staying still?

It hasn't moved away or gone through his throat, so logically, yes, it's still. O_o?  I don't understand what the confusion you're having is, here.  Maybe that she's mentioned as staying still?  I can add him feeling her moving behind him -- shifting her feet, or something like that.

...no, that's actually in the same paragraph already.

Sorry, Muphrid, I can't understand what the issue here is.

Even the time travelers had acknowledged that it was a predetermined event, though.  Without their help, he thought it might have been impossible.

This puzzled me.  It seems clear that the time travelers would need to be involved to get Asahina to instigate what happened, yet why she would do that...well, saying it's merely predetermined does cover it, I suppose.  Nevertheless, if I remember this correctly, it does raise questions about how Asahina (big) could give orders from the future if...well, come to think of it, I think I remember you addressed that, too, though the exact reasoning escapes me.

I like to think that Mikuru wouldn't have knowingly helped with this part, personally.  But there are other time travelers.  Beyond that, yeah, preserving the time-steam.

Things to learn from this story:  Koizumi is a sneaky bastard.  Getting Kyon's trump card out of him without knowing how it could benefit him, then using it so devilishly, allying with the Entity and the time-travelers to eliminate all obstacles and frighten Haruhi with her own temper is pretty slick.

Hmm....  Thinking about that, I've decided to revise that bit at the end of the first scene further:

"In a worst cast situation," Kyon explained, "I have a trump card to convince Haruhi of her powers -- I mentioned it when I told you about traveling to that other world, last December."

     The esper nodded, looking as uncertain as he had before.  "You never explained the mechanism of that before.  If ... if something were to happen to you, maybe it would be better for someone else to be able to deliver the message to Suzumiya-san?"

     Kyon shifted his shoulders again.  He couldn't imagine Itsuki using it frivolously -- and as helpless as he often was, someone else being able to play that card....

     "Okay," he said, nodding.  The esper smiled with visible relief, listening eagerly.

Will try to get to the other acts as I can.

No rush -- thanks for the reply. :)

[Muphrid]

It hasn't moved away or gone through his throat, so logically, yes, it's still. O_o?  I don't understand what the confusion you're having is, here.  Maybe that she's mentioned as staying still?  I can add him feeling her moving behind him -- shifting her feet, or something like that.

...no, that's actually in the same paragraph already.

Sorry, Muphrid, I can't understand what the issue here is.

I think I understand now, though the scene still gives the impression that Asakura is holding the knife behind him while moving into view (at least, before Kyon can close his eyes).  It seems...contorted, but then, that could add to the creepiness factor.  The simpler motion, in my mind, would be if the knife circled him while she was.

[Halbarad]

Hooray for cheating and reviewing off the revised Markdown. =P

The one who might have been inflicting this upon Yuki.

Sentence fragment. The structure is fine, just make the preceding ellipsis a pause and don't capitalize this phrase.

he remembered what he said he'd do if he had to, if Yuki was in danger once.

I'd move the 'once' to before the comma. As phrased it's a little awkward.

"A pleasant thought?" the esper prompted ...

Minor note, but this is the first reference to Koizumi in the fic overall. Granted, it is fanfiction and we should be familiar with the players involved, but I'd normally expect to see a name reference first rather than a description - those would come later.

realizing he'd almost forgotten Itsuki's presence somehow

Understandable since he gets the more familiar 'Itsuki' from Haruhi for a big chunk of the fic, but seeing it used here is slightly odd, since this is more Kyon's PoV. Continues to occur throughout, from what I'm seeing. It should certainly be the rule as of Act II, but giving him that familiarity this early seems off to me.

I am simply stressed, and pressing you too closely;

Comma is unnecessary here.

"In a worst cast situation," Kyon explained,

Worst case.

sitting in the boring classroom behind Kyon was actually one of the more reassuring parts of her day.  She could still focus on and get through her lessons, but it was sheer tedium.

These are... sort of but not exactly contradictory sentences. Lessons are 'one of the more reassuring parts of her day', which sounds good, but they're also 'sheer tedium', which sounds painful. Maybe something with a slightly less negative connotation, like she can take her mind off the hook and not think about much of -anything- while she's dealing with class, etc.

scanning around for Mikuru's older self

Should either be 'scanning' or 'looking around' - scanning already implies that he's not just looking in one place.

discussing an un-liked manager

Should just be 'disliked', maybe 'mutually disliked'.

without being spotted was tricker than Haruhi had expected

Trickier.

unexpectedly -- Unwelcomely! -- familiar

Unwelcomely does not need capitalization here, even if you're using it as an interjection, since it'd indicate the end of the enclosing sentence. You'd need another complete sentence afterward. (I think, this is kind of a gray dialogue-like area. Still would say don't capitalize though.)

pull down the front of her sun dress

Sundress should just be one word - no space, no hyphen. Think you had a hyphenated version a bit earlier:

a pink sun-dress with a wide-brimmed straw hat

overlaid with a washed out yellow tone

washed-out

He dare not speak, just catching a hint of her sleeve, still clad in her uniform from the corner of his eye, the edge of her hand -- the handle of the blade.

Tense. Should be 'dared not'.

Also, the entire sentence is a bit awkwardly structured; 'still clad in her uniform from the corner of his eye' seems really run-on and confusing. I think this might work better if broken into two sentences, although I can see using sentence fragments for dramatic effect here if that works better for you.

The knife holding stationary works fine for me, although if it doesn't kill your minimalism you might want to play up how smooth her movements are even while the knife remains perfectly immobile - highlights how unnatural she is, not that she needs the help. =P

at least as far as Nagato Yuki, you know.

I'd suggest 'as far as Nagato Yuki has'.

more from my own curiosity

Suggest 'more for my own curiosity'.

it was a predetermined event, though.

From a fellow sufferer: LYNCH THE THOUGH! After Muphrid's commentary earlier I've been kind of hypersensitive to places where they really don't add much, and this seems like one of them.

[Brian]

Only a single correction that popped out at me:

Mikuru had less than me and was even wobblier on her feed

"feed" -> "feet"

Aces -- thanks for the catch. :)

"You have his measure, then?" worked for me. Apparently I'm old-fashioned enough to get it. (Off the top of my head, I picture it in a setting like Sherlock Holmes)

As for the changes to act 3 and the epilogue, I can see it going either way. In the former version, Kyon and Mikuru had 3 years together w/o Haruhi. It also, to me, comes across as "even if things become alright, there are still long term consequences". In this new revision, it feels more like Kyon is typically dense and Mikuru is her normal shy self. Of the two, I would pick the latter only because it adds more to the story. As for act 3 w/o the epilogue... I would say it feels like a good ending that's left open. So, that may or may not be what's desired.

Okay -- Act 3 working with or without the epilogue is my goal.  I know some (a lot) of people don't like that whole angle, so making it optional seemed like a very good fit -- people who don't like it ... can ignore it!

(Also, in general, tried to be fairer to Haruhi -- that's why there's no 'almost attacks Kyon's sister' part anymore. >_>;  But if she's better, she also deserves better, and so....)

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[Brian]

Hooray for cheating and reviewing off the revised Markdown. =P

You rascally youkai. :D

The one who might have been inflicting this upon Yuki.

Sentence fragment. The structure is fine, just make the preceding ellipsis a pause and don't capitalize this phrase.

Lisa: "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
Linguo: *shifty eyes* Shutting down to conserve battery.

Alright.  That was stylistic, but easily fixed.

he remembered what he said he'd do if he had to, if Yuki was in danger once.

I'd move the 'once' to before the comma. As phrased it's a little awkward.

Done.  As per usual, if I don't respond to a comment, it's because I used it.

"A pleasant thought?" the esper prompted ...

Minor note, but this is the first reference to Koizumi in the fic overall. Granted, it is fanfiction and we should be familiar with the players involved, but I'd normally expect to see a name reference first rather than a description - those would come later.

Hmm.  I had a lot of stylistic elements like that in the story.  I guess the rest have been culled, so this should go, too.

Pity, I kind of liked the style....

I changed it to 'a voice,' since Koizumi is introed in the next line.

realizing he'd almost forgotten Itsuki's presence somehow

Understandable since he gets the more familiar 'Itsuki' from Haruhi for a big chunk of the fic, but seeing it used here is slightly odd, since this is more Kyon's PoV. Continues to occur throughout, from what I'm seeing. It should certainly be the rule as of Act II, but giving him that familiarity this early seems off to me.

When compared to every Haruhi fic written (or even just the ones I wrote), this is true -- but it's consistent throughout the fic.  Yuki is also 'Yuki' instead of 'Nagato', and Mikuru is always 'Mikuru' instead of 'Asahina-san'.  While it is third person limited ... eh--  If I do make this change, then for Kyon's PoV, Yuki has to become Nagato, Mikuru has to become Asahina-san, and I also have to adjust Haruhi's PoV to make Koizumi 'Koizumi-kun', and if I'm feeling particularly spiteful, Kyon in Koizumi's PoV becomes 'the loser' or 'the fool', or something like that.

I can do it, but -- considering all that, should I?

sitting in the boring classroom behind Kyon was actually one of the more reassuring parts of her day.  She could still focus on and get through her lessons, but it was sheer tedium.

These are... sort of but not exactly contradictory sentences. Lessons are 'one of the more reassuring parts of her day', which sounds good, but they're also 'sheer tedium', which sounds painful. Maybe something with a slightly less negative connotation, like she can take her mind off the hook and not think about much of -anything- while she's dealing with class, etc.

Uh, no, not the subtext I was aiming for.  She couldn't care less about classes, but likes the fact that Kyon's there.  Kyon is the good, school is the bad.

Suggestions?

discussing an un-liked manager

Should just be 'disliked', maybe 'mutually disliked'.

Mutually disliked sounds good.

unexpectedly -- Unwelcomely! -- familiar

Unwelcomely does not need capitalization here, even if you're using it as an interjection, since it'd indicate the end of the enclosing sentence. You'd need another complete sentence afterward. (I think, this is kind of a gray dialogue-like area. Still would say don't capitalize though.)

In that case, I also have to drop the exclamation point.  Will italicise to reclaim lost impact.

Also, the entire sentence is a bit awkwardly structured; 'still clad in her uniform from the corner of his eye' seems really run-on and confusing. I think this might work better if broken into two sentences, although I can see using sentence fragments for dramatic effect here if that works better for you.

Hmmm.  Technically, her sleeve is her clothing, not part of her (to be wearing something).

He dared not speak, just catching a hint of her uniform sleeve from the corner of his eye.  Beyond that, he could see the edge of her hand -- the handle of the blade.

The knife holding stationary works fine for me, although if it doesn't kill your minimalism you might want to play up how smooth her movements are even while the knife remains perfectly immobile - highlights how unnatural she is, not that she needs the help. =P

I'd rather just leave it as is, if that works. @_@

it was a predetermined event, though.

From a fellow sufferer: LYNCH THE THOUGH! After Muphrid's commentary earlier I've been kind of hypersensitive to places where they really don't add much, and this seems like one of them.

Good catch -- dropped.  As always, thanks for the comments, Hal; much appreciated. :)

[Halbarad]

Alright.  That was stylistic, but easily fixed.

If it's stylistic, it's fine just to say so and leave it unchanged. Just because I'm pointing it out doesn't -require- that it be corrected, just that I'm pointing out something that's technically not correct. If there's a good reason for leaving it as is, go for it.

Hmm.  I had a lot of stylistic elements like that in the story.  I guess the rest have been culled, so this should go, too.

Pity, I kind of liked the style....

I changed it to 'a voice,' since Koizumi is introed in the next line.

Well, the intent isn't to kill the style, necessarily, it's more that everyone else is name-dropped first, then the descriptors diverge. Koizumi just caught my eye since he wasn't - and if that's intentional, to make him stand out from everyone else, by all means leave it in. It's not a major fault, just something that caught my eye as slightly odd. Perhaps that was your intent!

When compared to every Haruhi fic written (or even just the ones I wrote), this is true -- but it's consistent throughout the fic.  Yuki is also 'Yuki' instead of 'Nagato', and Mikuru is always 'Mikuru' instead of 'Asahina-san'.  While it is third person limited ... eh--  If I do make this change, then for Kyon's PoV, Yuki has to become Nagato, Mikuru has to become Asahina-san, and I also have to adjust Haruhi's PoV to make Koizumi 'Koizumi-kun', and if I'm feeling particularly spiteful, Kyon in Koizumi's PoV becomes 'the loser' or 'the fool', or something like that.

I can do it, but -- considering all that, should I?

Your call there - to echo previous commentary here, I'm just pointing out things that look strange or odd. If they're strange or odd by design, that's fine.

Uh, no, not the subtext I was aiming for.  She couldn't care less about classes, but likes the fact that Kyon's there.  Kyon is the good, school is the bad.

Suggestions?

I'd suggest bridging her relief at having Kyon present into the first sentence. The tone seems to take a somewhat positive note with the whole 'reassuring' angle, then the next sentence kind of drops that positive tone on its face, and we don't get a pick-up (and a kind of half-hearted one) until she continues on to talk about being reassured by Kyon directly. The half-hearted return is okay - it's a sucky situation, so there's not a ton to be positive about - but I think what's causing the dissonance is that it seems to say 'Stuff is not so bad! The same stuff blows. But it's manageable because Kyon is there!' The sudden change in tone with a full stop is kind of like hitting a wall and stopping dead, at least in my mind.

Or perhaps I'm just heavily overanalyzing. @_@

[Brian]

No, I don't believe we have, or at least in the forums. You may have read one of the reviews I wrote for In Your Dreams on ff.net, but otherwise no.

Well -- nice to meet you.  Especially thanks for the feedback!  Do you have any stories of your own you'll be sharing with us?

it makes things easier in back and forth if you keep the tag count low.

Oops. I honestly don't know how those got there. I think it was a matter of my switching b/w word and this caused formatting errors when I tried to fix the font. Thanks for the heads up.

Yeah, if you can, set Word to 'plain text' -- you've got something that converts word into htm and then from there into bbcode, I think; tons of 'font' and 'size' tags....  Curious.  You can probably accomplish this just by saving a single file as plain text (not rich text), and then using that one file as a scratchpad for your replies.

I use notepad++ myself, but I think Word gives you a better output if you're uploading to ff.net (barring the use of Markdown or the like).

Out of character for Kyon to trust Koizumi?  Debatable -- but Koizumi's being manipulative, and even if Kyon doesn't typically like Koizumi, at that point in the novels, he does trust him.

I didn't have as much of an issue with telling him as much as the way he was telling him/the way you presented it.

I revised it a little, to show how that whole thing worked out -- hopefully this helps address some of those spots where it felt unnatural.

Now, onward to Act II.

Ok, why is it starting in first person? Was that habit or on purpose?

On purpose for a few reasons.  One of them is that unlike the first chapter, there's a primary PoV character.  The other is that this was pre-Sympathy, when I was trying to develop a first-person 'voice' for Haruhi, so this was somewhat experimental, and largely an excuse to try and write her in first person.

I think it was ... mostly successful, though after everything that she's gone through by the start of Act II, pretty divergent from canon.

Losing my self-control had cost me three people I'd known as friends, once.

That comma seems misplaced. I can conceive of it being there for emphasis or something, but I don't think it's the case this time.

Revised to drop the 'once' and start the sentence with, "At one point,".

I wouldn't let it happen again.

I think this would be considered an error in tense. I mean, past/present indicative is allowable, but past indicative to that would form? I'd go with 'I refuse to let/allow it to happen again.' Won't/shan't could work, but refuse seems to convey the determination in the statement better.

I'm not sure about this one.  I think it's okay as it is, because it should be past-tense -- your suggestions all veer toward making it present tense, which may be grammatically correct (though I'm not convinced it is).  Even if it is correct, it jars to me by making tenses inconsistent, and consistency trumps correctness.

Unless they needed my help after all.

Again, I could be wrong, but this seems to be a tense error. I'd go back and look for those, I'm seeing quite a few questionable verb tense uses.

No?  It should all be consistently past tense.  You seem to think it's something else.  Could be a miscommunication here?

Hmm... Reading a little further in, I see that the two of them seem to be dating. In that case, I would put less weight on the suggestion to call him 'Koizumi-kun'; maybe 'Itsuki-kun'? I don't know, it seems a little weird to have her calling him 'Itsuki' straight up.

It's actually supposed to feel a bit weird -- the relationship isn't quite ... right ... and using a name for Koizumi that's correct and also goes against fan convention is a handy tool to use that.  Though, going back to Hal's remark -- making his name 'Koizumi' in Act I may actually help hilight this, so that adds some real temptation to do so.

I'd do the same with 'Hayate' vs. 'Hayate-kun'. I mean, I know Haruhi's rather forward with suffixes in going to -chan almost immediately, but I don't think she just drops titles like that. I'd consider the possibility of skipping them in narration, but Kyon still gives Asahina a -san, so...

Well, the '-chan' thing is actually intentional disrespect from Haruhi toward Mikuru -- refusing to aknowledge her 'senior' status. <_<;

Anyway -- should be consistent, so made it '-kun' throughout.

The next scene, you lapse into a past tense, so you have a past describing a past-er, even though the primary time is more of a present.

...no, no it's not.  It's all past tense.  I'm kind of baffled as to what makes you think it's not.  O_o?

That kind of person couldn't...I hardly did

Again, more referring to the present stuff in past tense. I mean, I understand if it's a stylistic thing, but it  seems more inconsistent.

Uh -- okay, wow.  Sorry, I'm going to have to ignore your comments WRT tenses, no offense.

There's a pretty big cognitive disconnect here.  I'm looking at the line you highlighted, and all I can see is that (maybe) you think anything that's not perfect past, isn't past at all.

So, yeah, call it stylism.

I could hear myself, demanding, whiny ...

I'd use a colon after myself.

Alright, that looks good.

Oh hey, the next scene switches back to third person. You do both well, but there's a little bit of a jolt in the transition, especially when you're looking for that kind of thing.

Yeah, the jarring is intentional -- it's a severe PoV shift.

She found a new joy...

I'm thinking 'she had found a new joy' would work better.

Looks good.

She was sitting on the large sofa, ... but completely absorbed in her book.

I think that the ellipsis makes it a little clearer that but isn't the best conjunction to use there.

Just omitted the clause in the middle since it wasn't adding much.

Her fingertips traced... on a picture of her and Kyon together

I'd take the on out. The subsequent 'him looking... slightly less annoyed....' seems like it could be worded a bit better. I'd either add a with or go with 'a picture of her and Kyon together in which he looked....', or something along those lines.

I can't understand what you're trying to say here.  I changed 'on' to 'over' since it was a bit stiff.

Good job with that chapter. Sorry for going so grammar intensive, especially considering how much of it could just be stylistic.

It's fine; I couldn't use all of your comments, but still appreciate that you took the time to make them. :)