[Haruhi][WAFF] White Day

[Brian]

Because one-shots are fun!

Originally, I was planning on being oh-so-clever and releasing this on White Day.  Or even a single day belated.

But that never works out well for me, so here it is now!

Edit: updated

[Grahf]

Some things:

They're actually not bad; if they were real the cost would be nearly a hundred thousand yet.

Should yet be yen?

"It's White Day," Kyon says, a little too happily. Especially he's too excited to be giving her the same thing -- it is the same thing, isn't it? -- as he gave me!

The sentence that starts with especially seems awkward. I'm not sure; 'especially' seems like the wrong word to be starting the sentence? I think even just dropping the word entirely would make the sentence work better. Again though, grammatical stuff isn't my strong suit, so I could be way off.

He stick with silver for all three

Stick should be stuck, I think.

---

Other than that nothing really out of place from what I observed. As for the story itself, it's short and unrepentant in its sweetness, as something of this nature should be to be honest. I do like the bit where they're walking home since it's obvious that at the very least Haruhi's powers are at play, separating them from the rest of the world although not in a way so extreme as actual closed space. Overall, a nice light enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing it.

[Brian]

Thanks for the catches, Grahf.  I actually found a few more typos and a lot of repetition issues; should have made myself take a bit longer before posting. :x

The 'especially' thing isn't grammatically correct, but I'll let it slide for a first-person piece for stylism. :p

I revised some minor bits, but the story in general is still the same.

Thanks again for the feedback. :)

[JonBob]

Comments and corrections:

and sometimes it's something as inconsequential seeming as his homework.

"inconsequential seeming" feels awkward. Maybe it's a compound word that requires a hyphen, or maybe take out "seeming"

And being totally honest with myself ... I haven't really done that. And other than that issue, which is my own fault, and will happen again unless I change things, didn't the day really work out nicely?

"the day" refers to a month ago, Valentine's?

For a special day, I forgot about it, so got to have a real surprise.

Something's off about it. Maybe "I forgot about this special day, so it was a real surprise for me!"?

I take it anyway, fast enough he should flinch. He doesn't, though he does turn to watch me as I tear it open. More bracelets isn't ideal but-- But it's not more bracelets. "E...earrings?" I ask in surprise. I can see the hooks, but I can't move the tissue out of the way to see what they are yet, still holding the handle of the umbrella

How does she get it open if she's holding the umbrella, yet can't move the tissue out of the way?

For earrings ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?

Mentally, how it goes is "Four earrings, a pair of glass beads..." Maybe change to "The earrings are ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?"


I like the touch of pervy Kyon triggered by the store display. Other than that, it's light and fluffy (waffy?).

[Halbarad]

Mmm, fresh WAFF, straight from the oven. Almost as good as fresh cookies!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Every day's that.

Can see a stylistic argument here, but the wording's a bit awkward. Maybe "That applies to every day"?

There are a lot of days in the year, though

Second instance of 'though' in this paragraph. Maybe take this one out and put a 'however' at the beginning of this sentence?

though I'm glad to say that doesn't happen too often

Works as written, but it might be more clear: "though I'm glad to say that doesn't have to happen too often".

to do stuff with them, and leaving me out!

Comma is unneeded here.

I take a breath and try and think.

Straight grammar error, may be excused as stylistic. Should be "try to think"; the rule (as I recall) goes: repeat the sentence with each verb by itself (i.e. "I take a breath and try" + "I take a breath and think"), and if it doesn't make sense that way, 'and' is not the correct word to use there - use 'to' instead.

Inside the flat box are a collection of those jangling bracelets -- the kind you wear a half-dozen of together at once.

If these are what I'm picturing (just a solid hoop of metal, not something segmented), these are technically called bangles. No need to replace here (or throughout), but if you find yourself in need of a word to avoid repetition, that should help.


I stare at them for a few second,

Seconds.


so stuff it in my bag next to the package from Koizumi-kun.

You may want to specifically say "so I stuff it in my bag" for added clarity.

as I open my shoe locker

You have shoe lockers hyphenated above ("find him and Koizumi-kun waiting for me by the shoe-lockers!"). Either one can be used, but it should be consistent throughout. I'd recommend the non-hyphenated version, myself.

I finish changing shoes and move over to Koizumi's side on the wooden slats,

Either missing an honorific for Koizumi here, or you may want to consider dropping the honorifics out of the narration entirely and just keep them in dialogue.

at a glance is freaking perfectly identical to the one he gave me

I'd recommend changing the adjective order slightly - 'perfectly freaking identical'.

to keep the Valentines Day thing a bit more subtle,

Should have an apostrophe - Valentine's Day.

I've got all day in class to ignore my lessons and figure it out.

Haruhi has her priorities straight, certainly.

Haruhi: "Beats letting Okabe's drone put me to sleep as usual!"

Koizumi-kun weathers his own playful swat without wobbling, or letting his smile fade in the slightest.

Repetition of 'wobbling'. Maybe 'swaying' or 'shifting' for the second? Also, the comma here is unnecessary.

if Kyon had given me something different, or better

Also an unneeded comma.

bank of clouds rolling in are more fitting to the day's name

Should be 'is more fitting' - there's only one bank rolling in, even if it contains multiple clouds.

Someone -- _probably_ a certain lazy nameless person who had insisted we needed the bucket in the first place

Seeing a lot of these throughout, really; Haruhi obviously referring to Kyon, but not doing so by name. Most of them are points where she's irritated with him, too - although that part isn't so bad. The impression I get is that she's hunting for reasons to deflect her irritation away from herself and onto him, but she can't really come up with anything solid to justify doing so, since she lets most of these go.

just finished putting up the chess from the last game

'chess set' or 'chess pieces'.

I have to ask, putting up the umbrella.

I'd suggest 'opening up' instead of 'putting up' - the latter almost sounds like she could be putting it away instead.

I thought you'd rather recieve something

Receive.

I realize it's mannequins in just underwear.

I'd suggest 'nothing but' instead of 'just', the latter sounds a bit awkward.

I pace with him, and then he remarks,

I suspect this is actually 'I keep pace with him' - the initial version implies pacing off steps, as on a treasure map. =P

jewelry, the last traditional White Day gift, seemed like the only reasonable choice."

I'd suggest offsetting 'the last traditional White Day gift' with hyphens/em-dashes rather than commas here.

For earrings ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?  I lift one out of the box -- from that angle, I realize the metal bits align to make the character of 'Orihime.'  I check the other one, and it forms 'Hikoboshi.'

I'd guess this is a pair of beads for each earring, since each name is composed of two characters (織姫 and 彦星 respectively), and getting two characters in one bead seems a bit cramped. You might want to clarify the description of the earrings to show this, if that's the case.

Either way, I have to feel sorry for the craftsman - the first character of Orihime is an 18-stroke kanji. Even in just one bead, that's a lot of intricate work. o_o If he charges by the stroke, too (which would seem to make sense), that's a bit of a hurt on Kyon's wallet as well.

Probably more detail than needs to go in the story, though.

it's pretty obviously custom made -- he had to have it commissioned somewhere.

Custom-made. Also, word order after the em-dash - "he had to have commissioned it somewhere."

Very nice. =D Might have posted it before White Day here, but that should give you time to get the C&C sorted out by the time the real day arrives and you can put it up on your site. =)

[Brian]

and sometimes it's something as inconsequential seeming as his homework.

"inconsequential seeming" feels awkward. Maybe it's a compound word that requires a hyphen, or maybe take out "seeming"

Taking it out won't work; the 'seeming' is Haruhi noting that even if she doesn't know why he was so worked up at the end of Endless Eight, she recognizes that he was, and assumes it must have had some deeper meaning to him.  Even if she doesn't fully understand it.

I can go with 'seemingly inconsequential'?

Sometimes it's looking out for his friends, though I'm glad to say that doesn't have to happen too often.  Once it was something as seemingly inconsequential as his _homework_.  I've tried to prod him on that, but it didn't get the results I was really hoping for.

And being totally honest with myself ... I haven't really done that. And other than that issue, which is my own fault, and will happen again unless I change things, didn't the day really work out nicely?

"the day" refers to a month ago, Valentine's?

And being totally honest with myself ... I haven't really done that.  And other than that issue, didn't the day really work out nicely?  Aside from which, what went wrong was my own fault, and will happen _again_ unless I change things -- but know I know that.

And, no, 'the day' is referring to the current day.  Otherwise, it would be 'that day.'

For a special day, I forgot about it, so got to have a real surprise.

Something's off about it. Maybe "I forgot about this special day, so it was a real surprise for me!"?

Not ... quite.  But I can polish it up.

For a special day, so got to have a _real_ surprise; doesn't that make today genuinely special?  Everything else not working out....

I take it anyway, fast enough he should flinch. He doesn't, though he does turn to watch me as I tear it open. More bracelets isn't ideal but-- But it's not more bracelets. "E...earrings?" I ask in surprise. I can see the hooks, but I can't move the tissue out of the way to see what they are yet, still holding the handle of the umbrella

How does she get it open if she's holding the umbrella, yet can't move the tissue out of the way?

Because she can't turn it without spilling them out once it's unwrapped and opened.  But before then, she can:

I take it anyway, fast enough he should flinch.  He doesn't, though he does turn to watch me as I tear it open.  It takes a little bit of work to open it with one hand holding the umbrella, but until it's opened, I can flip it around any way without spilling out whatever's inside.  Shortly enough, I get it unwrapped, then manage to hold it upright in one hand and flip it open with my thumb.  The lid is still hanging on with a flap, so I peer inside.

     More bracelets isn't ideal but--  But ... it's not more bracelets.

     "E...earrings?" I ask in surprise.  I can see the hooks, but I can't move the tissue out of the way to see what they are yet, still holding the handle of the umbrella.  All that effort, and I'm thwarted by my own umbrella and a piece of _tissue_?

     He moves closer and takes the umbrella from me, holding it over our heads.

For earrings ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?

Mentally, how it goes is "Four earrings, a pair of glass beads..." Maybe change to "The earrings are ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?"

Oh, the heterograph?  It doesn't really bother me, but it's easy to fix:

Hanging from the hooks for actual decoration ... a pair of glass beads with bits of metal inside?

I like the touch of pervy Kyon triggered by the store display. Other than that, it's light and fluffy (waffy?).

Also part of my standard edutainment kick.  Those are one of the traditional gifts of the day....  >.>;

Thanks for the comments. :)

[Brian]

Mmm, fresh WAFF, straight from the oven. Almost as good as fresh cookies!

Much like Kuno, I must have them both!

My allies in this endavour are Shami, and his side-kick, insomnia.

...bah.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Every day's that.

Can see a stylistic argument here, but the wording's a bit awkward. Maybe "That applies to every day"?

Hm.  Alright.  As usual, using anything I didn't comment on, etc.

though I'm glad to say that doesn't happen too often

Works as written, but it might be more clear: "though I'm glad to say that doesn't have to happen too often".

...eerie!  I made that change on my own while looking at it from JonBob's comments.  :p

I take a breath and try and think.

Straight grammar error, may be excused as stylistic. Should be "try to think"; the rule (as I recall) goes: repeat the sentence with each verb by itself (i.e. "I take a breath and try" + "I take a breath and think"), and if it doesn't make sense that way, 'and' is not the correct word to use there - use 'to' instead.

Went with 'remember' instead.  Is Haruhi to tsundere in the first scene?  I figure there's more leeway since she's only thinking, but....

Inside the flat box are a collection of those jangling bracelets -- the kind you wear a half-dozen of together at once.

If these are what I'm picturing (just a solid hoop of metal, not something segmented), these are technically called bangles. No need to replace here (or throughout), but if you find yourself in need of a word to avoid repetition, that should help.

Ah!  That makes sense.  Let's see....

Inside the flat box are a collection of those jangling bracelets -- the kind you wear a half-dozen of together at once.  I think they're called bangles; Kyon would tell me for sure, if I got it wrong.

so stuff it in my bag next to the package from Koizumi-kun.

You may want to specifically say "so I stuff it in my bag" for added clarity.

Tried that; made the sentence feel very wrong. :x  Went with a reword:

Koizumi-kun nods, happy with this praise, and I close the package back up before stuffing it into my bag.

I finish changing shoes and move over to Koizumi's side on the wooden slats,

Either missing an honorific for Koizumi here, or you may want to consider dropping the honorifics out of the narration entirely and just keep them in dialogue.

Oop; yeah, it's a bit tedious, but it'd be more of a pain to weed them all out now, and I like the emphasis that it puts on Kyon.

Haruhi: "Beats letting Okabe's drone put me to sleep as usual!"

Kyon: "Only you would think of trying to sleep through being put to sleep."
Haruhi: "If you can't beat 'em ... you aren't trying hard enough!"

Someone -- _probably_ a certain lazy nameless person who had insisted we needed the bucket in the first place

Seeing a lot of these throughout, really; Haruhi obviously referring to Kyon, but not doing so by name. Most of them are points where she's irritated with him, too - although that part isn't so bad. The impression I get is that she's hunting for reasons to deflect her irritation away from herself and onto him, but she can't really come up with anything solid to justify doing so, since she lets most of these go.

Yeah -- effectively, the theme of the piece is Haruhi's final realization; she can't expect to recieve better without giving better.  Reciprocation is the name of the game, and I like emphasizing how much she's grown by showing that even if she's irked, she can resist lashing out and recognize her own responsibility in some things not working out.

And then having Kyon be there for her anyway. <_<;

I worry that Kyon's got the 'upper hand' too much -- maybe adding something about him being completely flustered at the very end....

just finished putting up the chess from the last game

'chess set' or 'chess pieces'.

Oops.  Should have been set. :x

jewelry, the last traditional White Day gift, seemed like the only reasonable choice."

I'd suggest offsetting 'the last traditional White Day gift' with hyphens/em-dashes rather than commas here.

I like that. :D

I'd guess this is a pair of beads for each earring, since each name is composed of two characters (?? and ?? respectively), and getting two characters in one bead seems a bit cramped. You might want to clarify the description of the earrings to show this, if that's the case.

Either way, I have to feel sorry for the craftsman - the first character of Orihime is an 18-stroke kanji. Even in just one bead, that's a lot of intricate work. o_o If he charges by the stroke, too (which would seem to make sense), that's a bit of a hurt on Kyon's wallet as well.

Probably more detail than needs to go in the story, though.

They could also be larger beads, too.  Or ovoid.  Yeah, it'd probably cost quite a bit, but Rule of WAFF. :p

it's pretty obviously custom made -- he had to have it commissioned somewhere.

Custom-made. Also, word order after the em-dash - "he had to have commissioned it somewhere."

Actually, I was going for "he'd had", which is (uncontracted:) "he had had".  So, yeah, your suggestion is better. >.>

Very nice. =D Might have posted it before White Day here, but that should give you time to get the C&C sorted out by the time the real day arrives and you can put it up on your site. =)

That's the plan!  Thanks a ton for the feedback, Hal; very helpful in polishing this up. :)

[JonBob]

Tag! You're it!

I can go with 'seemingly inconsequential'?

Sure.

And, no, 'the day' is referring to the current day.  Otherwise, it would be 'that day.'

That does make sense, but it still feels vaguely ambiguous. Maybe "the day so far" or "today"? If neither of those fit, I'll just chalk it up to my biases.

For a special day, so got to have a _real_ surprise; doesn't that make today genuinely special?  Everything else not working out....

Something is still off here. Did you want "For a special day I got to have a _real_surprise;"?

Because she can't turn it without spilling them out once it's unwrapped and opened.  But before then, she can:

I take it anyway, fast enough he should flinch.  He doesn't, though he does turn to watch me as I tear it open.  It takes a little bit of work to open it with one hand holding the umbrella, but until it's opened, I can flip it around any way without spilling out whatever's inside.  Shortly enough, I get it unwrapped, then manage to hold it upright in one hand and flip it open with my thumb.  The lid is still hanging on with a flap, so I peer inside.

More bracelets isn't ideal but--  But ... it's not more bracelets.

"E...earrings?" I ask in surprise.  I can see the hooks, but I can't move the tissue out of the way to see what they are yet, still holding the handle of the umbrella.  All that effort, and I'm thwarted by my own umbrella and a piece of _tissue_?

He moves closer and takes the umbrella from me, holding it over our heads.

This seems a bit too self-aware. And I think we have different ideas of what's going on. Are you saying that she can open it with 1.5 hands, but to take out and properly look at the earrings (or dump them out of the box into her hands) she needs the full 2.0 hands?

[Halbarad]

Inside the flat box are a collection of those jangling bracelets -- the kind you wear a half-dozen of together at once.  I think they're called bangles; Kyon would tell me for sure, if I got it wrong.

Could work, but I'd be surprised at Kyon being the one to correct her - he's an expert on jewelry now? I suppose it's more likely since he probably saw the name when he bought them, but. I'd expect her to go to Sakanaka or Mikuru for confirmation, rather than Kyon - they're both more 'girly' girls, and would likely be better informed on that kind of thing.

I worry that Kyon's got the 'upper hand' too much -- maybe adding something about him being completely flustered at the very end....

I think that'd be good. The kiss at the end is definitely a bit more than a peck on the cheek (if it's enough for Haruhi to lose track of time), and despite his skill in K:BDH, I think the canon Kyon would definitely be rather thunderstruck at something like that.

[Brian]

This seems a bit too self-aware. And I think we have different ideas of what's going on. Are you saying that she can open it with 1.5 hands, but to take out and properly look at the earrings (or dump them out of the box into her hands) she needs the full 2.0 hands?

Yes.

[Brian]

Could work, but I'd be surprised at Kyon being the one to correct her - he's an expert on jewelry now? I suppose it's more likely since he probably saw the name when he bought them, but. I'd expect her to go to Sakanaka or Mikuru for confirmation, rather than Kyon - they're both more 'girly' girls, and would likely be better informed on that kind of thing.

No ... but he's pretty good on grammar, and does correct Haruhi at every opportunity.  But since it was a sticking point that added nothing, dropped that bit.

I think that'd be good. The kiss at the end is definitely a bit more than a peck on the cheek (if it's enough for Haruhi to lose track of time), and [...] I think the canon Kyon would definitely be rather thunderstruck at something like that.

Okay.  Will revise accordingly.  I should have a (hopefully) more final draft up tonight. @_@

[Muphrid]

We start with a brief insight into Haruhi's philosophy on holidays, which I think makes a lot of sense in context of how she approached them and what she does.  She makes an explicit effort to make holidays special even if they intrinsically aren't.

Quickly, the subject turns to Kyon (even if he isn't referenced by name right away).

I'm not exactly going to let him know, because he's such a slacker most of the time, but I appreciate that he caught a few days I've managed to miss that we needed to celebrate.  That's good -- makes him a worthwhile subordinate.  I wish he'd work harder and try to earn a better rank, but figuring out what motivates him is actually kind of hard to pull off.

I had to read the first sentence a couple times to get this.  I kept asking myself "let him know what?" before I realized it was to relate to what came after "but".  Not sure if that needs anything done to it, though.

Sometimes it's looking out for his friends, though I'm glad to say that doesn't happen too often, and sometimes it's something as inconsequential seeming as his homework.  I've tried to prod him on that, but it didn't get the results I was really hoping for.

I second the notion of going with "seemingly inconsequential".

"What's this about?" I ask warily, looking between the two.  I get the impression sometimes Kyon's closer to the others in the club than I am, which is kind of annoying; I hate the idea of him going behind my back to do stuff with them, and leaving me out!  Like--  Like that time he met with Mikuru at the cafe without me knowing!

Given the pattern of honorific usage, I think this is "Mikuru-chan"?

Haruhi forgets what holiday it could be, and Koizumi and Kyon give her sets of bracelets, Koizumi's all uniform and silver; Kyon's with different colors for every day of the week.  While Haruhi thinks to herself that Kyon's shows more effort, she still docks him points for a lame joke.  Heh, the tsundere is strong with this one, but not so overpowering as to be unppealing here.  I think this is a good balance.

Haruhi follows Kyon and Koizumi to watch and see if they give Nagato or Asahina better or worse gifts, but Koizumi's bracelets are all the same, while Kyon's are different shades of purple for Nagato and red for Asahina. 

Of course, a lot of other students are around.  Most of the girls are either looking crestfallen or hopeful; no one's really remarked on us.  I did tell Kyon to keep the Valentines Day thing a bit more subtle, but I guess it's obvious enough with two people giving me gifts that it's just an obligation exchange, not....

You did "Valentine's" earlier and "Valentines" here.

Very shortly, Mikuru-chan arrives, huffing slightly for breath and walking next to Tsuruya.  That girl gives a healthy laugh at the sight of us together, clapping her hands together and baring one prominent tooth in an excited grin.  "Ooh, todays~!" she cheers.  "Haha, Haru-nyan, what did you get?"

Tsuruya-san?

Though Haruhi thinks it a bit repetitive for the boys to give more or less the same gifts to all three girls, Tsuruya points out that it's very fair of them to do so, and Haruhi realizes that she hasn't done anything to warrant any stronger or unique show of affection.


As she ruminates on this, Haruhi realizes she did want something more from Kyon and justifies it briefly saying that Kyon needs to improve his standing in the brigade (uh-huh, Haruhi, uh-huh).  There was no way Kyon could've given her something nicer than Koizumi's gift and vice versa, nor for her to get something better than the other girls without upsetting them.  Haruhi realizes she needs to do more to expect more in return.  No, Haruhi, this doesn't go against what you said at all; it's totally just for the brigade.  Heh.

At the brigade, Haruhi decides to go with Kyon, since there aren't enough umbrellas for them all and Kyon has likely (in her estimation) taken one home inadvertently.

Kyon points out the lingerie display.  Yes, Kyon, we know you're a red-blooded male.  Good reminder.  Haruhi notes how, once again, the need to treat Nagato and Asahina fairly means she can't get anything special.

And the earrings.  And the kiss.  Aww.  I really, really like the idea of the earrings.  And really, while there's a lot that could be said or dealt with here, the moment is simple and straightforward, and nothing else really needs to be said.  The feeling is much more refreshing that way.

[Brian]

I'm not exactly going to let him know, because he's such a slacker most of the time, but I appreciate that he caught a few days I've managed to miss that we needed to celebrate.  That's good -- makes him a worthwhile subordinate.  I wish he'd work harder and try to earn a better rank, but figuring out what motivates him is actually kind of hard to pull off.

I had to read the first sentence a couple times to get this.  I kept asking myself "let him know what?" before I realized it was to relate to what came after "but".  Not sure if that needs anything done to it, though.

I could reorder:

I appreciate that he caught a few days I've managed to miss that we needed to celebrate, but because he's such a slacker most of the time, I'm not exactly going to let _him_ know that.

Given the pattern of honorific usage, I think this is "Mikuru-chan"?

Oops--  Yeah, still don't have Haruhi's 'voice' down. :x

Getting better, I hope. :p

Very shortly, Mikuru-chan arrives, huffing slightly for breath and walking next to Tsuruya.  That girl gives a healthy laugh at the sight of us together, clapping her hands together and baring one prominent tooth in an excited grin.  "Ooh, todays~!" she cheers.  "Haha, Haru-nyan, what did you get?"

Tsuruya-san?

Hmmm.  I think she (at some points) in the novels uses more casual address with Tsuruya, but more consistently uses the -san, yeah.  Will fix.

Kyon points out the lingerie display.  Yes, Kyon, we know you're a red-blooded male.  Good reminder.  Haruhi notes how, once again, the need to treat Nagato and Asahina fairly means she can't get anything special.

I tried to really downplay the fanservice elements, since I worry I've been overdoing that, but I think I've mostly been able to move away from it.  I had some fun with this bit, though, especially since it's actually part of the tradition, and lets Haruhi think that she'd forgive him, even if it wouldn't exactly be what she actually wanted.

And the earrings.  And the kiss.  Aww.  I really, really like the idea of the earrings.  And really, while there's a lot that could be said or dealt with here, the moment is simple and straightforward, and nothing else really needs to be said.  The feeling is much more refreshing that way.

Great; I think in retrospect Kyon's basically a little too perfect throughout.  Some of that is because Haruhi's off balance (though, she wanted to be surprised), but I think the revisions with Kyon being staggered by the kiss and a reminder from her to keep it to himself should help bring things back in line.

Feels like it balances things out better, there. :p

Thanks again for the feedback; really glad you liked it. :D

[sarsaparilla]

First of all, I'm sorry for not replying earlier.

Right after reading the first sentence I know that this is told from Haruhi's PoV. You are doing her voice very well and consistently throughout the story, and although we haven't observed it directly it would be easy to believe that her thoughts work along these lines.

I found it somewhat unlikely that Haruhi wouldn't recognize the meaning of the color sequence of the bracelets -- it had been obvious enough for her to use in the first place. Since in the canon this was the first instance of Kyon and Haruhi thinking alike, it would be more plausible to use the bracelets to underline the connection shared by the two of them, and let Koizumi be oblivious of the true meaning of the message (maybe just remarking something along the lines of the colors being pretty, with the reader understanding that Koizumi doesn't know what the colors mean).

I like Haruhi's thoughts at the beginning of second scene. There's a well explored and believable dissonance between a rational and an emotional approach to the issue. Then, however...

That means if I wanted that changed, well ... that would be up to me, wouldn't it? If I wanted something more (or better) from Kyon, wouldn't I need to give him something more?

And being totally honest with myself ... I haven't really done that.

I find it rather unlikely that Haruhi would think like this -- quite the opposite. From her own point of view she did an extraordinary job to ensure a successful Valentine's Day, and did exactly the kind of thing that she would want in return. Her gift was something mysterious, exciting and most importantly, self-made and personal. At this point she should be disappointed because Kyon's return gift (off-the-shelf bracelets, even if color coded) was lacking in all those qualities.

Considering the final scene, it would be even more important to change her line of thought, because Kyon's second gift meets all those requirements that the first doesn't. You would also have to change the reciprocation angle, but again, I find it more likely that from Haruhi's own PoV it's she who must take initiative and do all the hard work, and Kyon is the one who doesn't reciprocate enough (I'm not saying that it's like that, just that she thinks like that). Turning this part around would make the ending more meaningful when Haruhi realizes that she was mistaken and Kyon does reciprocate in a way that she had been hoping for.

This issue surfaces a couple of times after the second scene as well.

Haruhi's reasoning considering the umbrella situation sounds very much like her, and the reader is left wondering whether she's just considerate or has unvoiced intentions behind it. Towards the end of the story it becomes rather obvious that the latter is true, without negating the former, either. It is a nice way of getting what she wants.

In my opinion Haruhi should know acutely the difference between the chocolates that Kyon got from her, and from Nagato and Asahina. Even if she acts oblivious to Kyon, her thoughts should be visible to the reader.

The ending is sweet without being sappy, and follows naturally from the setting. Yes, it's WAFF but it's well written WAFF, and it made me smile. Thank you for sharing this!

[Brian]

Sorry for the delay in giving a proper response.

Right after reading the first sentence I know that this is told from Haruhi's PoV. You are doing her voice very well and consistently throughout the story, and although we haven't observed it directly it would be easy to believe that her thoughts work along these lines.

I've been working hard to capture Haruhi's PoV, so I'm really encouraged to hear this. :)

I found it somewhat unlikely that Haruhi wouldn't recognize the meaning of the color sequence of the bracelets -- it had been obvious enough for her to use in the first place. Since in the canon this was the first instance of Kyon and Haruhi thinking alike, it would be more plausible to use the bracelets to underline the connection shared by the two of them, and let Koizumi be oblivious of the true meaning of the message (maybe just remarking something along the lines of the colors being pretty, with the reader understanding that Koizumi doesn't know what the colors mean).

Hmm.  The relationship between colors and days of the week is a Japanese thing that goes beyond just Haruhi.  Kyon actually didn't notice the colors, anyway; just the number of points.  So Koizumi would actually be able to follow that part, too.

Beyond that, what you're suggesting -- that there's a bit between Haruhi and Kyon that Koizumi misses -- is actually pretty much what I was trying to imply anyway. >_>;

Obviously, I need to make that a bit clearer. :p

Well, Koizumi wouldn't have known about her hair, since that happened before he arrived.  And I can remove the clause that makes it seem that Haruhi's confused (instead of just surprised).  The dialog doesn't change a whole lot.  Using a spoiler tag just to conserve how much real-estate this revision chews up, since it's a big paste-job:

Spoiler: ShowHide

When I look at Kyon, he reaches into his blazer and pulls out another package -- the paper's not quite as fine, but it's the same exact size.  I tear it open the same way--  What the hell?

     Kyon got me the same thing?  Well -- not quite.  These bracelets are different colors, instead of just silver.  White (silver, really, matching the set Koizumi-kun gave me), yellow, red, blue, green, gold, and brown.  I stare at them for a few seconds, realizing what Kyon must be implying with them.

     "A different color for each day of the week," Kyon offers.  Then he shrugs, adding, "I guess Koizumi-kun's is better for fitting the theme of the day, though; this just felt right since you're usually pointing out my off-color humor anyway."

     "With a follow up like that, what else could I want?" I mutter.  Still ... colors, days of the week....  Trust him to remember something like that.  I can't really be ticked off, and the quality is about the same between his and Koizumi-kun's.  Actually, I guess Kyon's is a bit more thoughtful.

     "They're very pretty," Koizumi-kun adds--  Just like him; he doesn't get it, but he's still trying to help his friend out.

     "You get points for creativity, but lose some for that joke, Kyon-- forty points!" I declare.

I find it rather unlikely that Haruhi would think like this -- quite the opposite. From her own point of view she did an extraordinary job to ensure a successful Valentine's Day, and did exactly the kind of thing that she would want in return. Her gift was something mysterious, exciting and most importantly, self-made and personal. At this point she should be disappointed because Kyon's return gift (off-the-shelf bracelets, even if color coded) was lacking in all those qualities.

Considering the final scene, it would be even more important to change her line of thought, because Kyon's second gift meets all those requirements that the first doesn't. You would also have to change the reciprocation angle, but again, I find it more likely that from Haruhi's own PoV it's she who must take initiative and do all the hard work, and Kyon is the one who doesn't reciprocate enough (I'm not saying that it's like that, just that she thinks like that). Turning this part around would make the ending more meaningful when Haruhi realizes that she was mistaken and Kyon does reciprocate in a way that she had been hoping for.

This issue surfaces a couple of times after the second scene as well.

Well, I think this isn't taking into account that....  And I guess I can revise and bring this into the picture--  Haruhi doesn't want whatever special extra thing she gets from Kyon to be in front of Asahina and Nagato.  I'm not sure how to bring the thoughts you suggest into her PoV and have her still come across in a sympathetic manner.

I also really liked how the portrayal as it was hilighted her capacity for growth and her consideration for others.  It's not just that she doesn't want to deal with the embarassment of having Kyon give her something more/special in front of the others, it's that she doesn't want them to be disappointed or feel left out.

And ... she _was_ dissapointed, that much is already in the story; it's just balanced against Tsuruya's (oh-so-subtle) reminder that on the surface, things are and have to remain equal.  I can also have Haruhi think that despite the other concerns (can Kyon even cook?  Did she (or any of them) really want white chocolate or marshmallows?  If Koizumi works part-time, does he have the free time to figure out how to make confections with Kyon?) they did try to be balanced.

The next thing you point out confuses me, because it's another instance of you saying you want to see something that's already in the story.  At least, unless I misunderstood things--  The idea that Haruhi has to do all the hard work ... that's pretty much exactly what the whole 'needs to do something significant to earn reciprocation' angle is.  That's Haruhi doing what you suggest -- the hard work.

Um ... I think I need a clearer understanding of your view before I can revise anything based on those thoughts, just to make sure I don't fumble and get something wrong.  :x

Haruhi's reasoning considering the umbrella situation sounds very much like her, and the reader is left wondering whether she's just considerate or has unvoiced intentions behind it. Towards the end of the story it becomes rather obvious that the latter is true, without negating the former, either. It is a nice way of getting what she wants.

In my opinion Haruhi should know acutely the difference between the chocolates that Kyon got from her, and from Nagato and Asahina. Even if she acts oblivious to Kyon, her thoughts should be visible to the reader.

Haruhi thinking specifically of the fact that her cake alone didn't say 'obligation' detracts from Kyon being able to point it out later.  I can ... probably work around that to a degree if Haruhi leaves it vague, and then Kyon's mention is a nice call-back.  That's probably workable.  At the same time, what I was really going for is the idea that she thinks Kyon wouldn't have picked up on that (admittedly, the reader knows that Asahina really spelled it out for him, if they've read the novels).

The ending is sweet without being sappy, and follows naturally from the setting. Yes, it's WAFF but it's well written WAFF, and it made me smile. Thank you for sharing this!

I'm glad you enjoyed it; thanks for the feedback, and sorry I'm a bit slow to understand your meaning on some parts. :)