[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 52

[Brian]

Okay -- apologies to everyone for the delay in replying; worked through my depression for the moment, so now I should reply properly.  For this entire thread, if I don't reply to a grammatical (or other) correction, it's because I used it. :D

Yay! New chapter!  I don't have the time to do an in depth critique, so here are some things that come immediately to mind.  I thought Haruhi's reaction to Kyon's distraction over, and subsequent needing to rescue Sasaki a bit extreme, given that she knows that Sasaki is important to Kyon, and is trying to be a friend to her as well.  In-story character reactions aside, the whole point of the text message signal after all is to alert Kyon that Sasaki may be in danger. ^_^  Haruhi struck me as being fairly angry, as opposed to strongly jealous/irritated.  That's my own personal impression, of course.  Certainly, the girls would be expected to be unhappy over Kyon bailing out like that, since emotions are not ruled by logic.  I'm liking the Haruhi-Kanae dynamic, especially from last chapter.  It might be nice to see a bit more of the rest of the evening from the girls' point of view.  Too bad Haruka's father put such a damper on the rest of the evening.  Kyon never cleared the air with Haruhi, or any of the girls about that evening, did he?  Does that mean that Haruhi and Haruka basically accepted that it was necessary?

Haruhi was angry, but at the situation, not any person.  And I wanted to give her a moment of being more like her old self, and then using Kanae as a reminder that she's grown.  Haruhi and Tsuruya largely accepted it, but part of the theme of this arc (and some of the last) is a lack of time to deal with some things properly, especially with the club focused on gearing up for Sunday's event and taking cover from the rumormill.

I hadn't expected the incident with the new Sumiyoshi members, considering the chapter title. =P  The detail about the ill-fitting suits, is that supposed to convey that the Sumi-yoshi troops aren't well organized, and that these operations are just being tossed together?

It could come across that way, but it's also to paint the Sumiyoshi-rengo as less organized than the Tsuruya-gumi.  The uniform of the yakuza is a suit in garishly bright colors; the Tsuruya-gumi instead go for the more streamlined and cleaner appearance, and actually dress sharply.  This is not realistic, but makes for a nice atmospheric touch.

I'm a bit confused as to when certain future events previously mentioned are expected to take place.  First would be Kyon's sister's field trip, next would be Kyon's birthday/Watanagashi (sp?), which Kyon was supposed to be planning.  Actually, I thought that would have been the upcoming weekend, In-story.  Haruhi's planning the flash-mob though, so I guess the trip to Hinamizawa (sp?) is still in the future, time line wise?  I can't remember if the IP the costumes are being based on was mentioned outright, but I'm looking forward to the discriptions.

The field trip wasn't given a firm date.  It's 'upcoming' but (admittedly, based on my experience here in the US), usually the forms are handed out at least a month in advance.

I recall that some commentor (might have been on Space Battles) felt that too much focus was being put on the interpersonal relationships.  For my part, I like observing how the characters are interacting with each other, and their relationships change.  I enjoy the action/thriller elements just as much.  I couldn't tell you to expand one at the expense of the other, since they seem to be equally important to the story as a whole.  Observing how the girls start to deepen their relationship with each other and Kyon is something of a guilty pleasure (imagination can paint such _beautiful pictures... ehem).  Me, myself, and I, are currently running a betting pool on which girls are the first ones to kiss each other seriously.    (like I said, guilty pleasures...)

I'm not sure; that comment may have come from forums.spacebattles, but like 99% of the commentary they generated, I didn't find it useful.

The major focus of the story is the interpersonal relationships; without them, the story doesn't work.  If someone's reading it just for action, I imagine they must spend a lot of time terribly bored....  Which, admittedly, may be something of a failing on my part given the title--

I was actually asked (back in chapter 14 or so) on ff.net ... it's probably still there in the reviews ... to make it Kyon/Haruhi only and axe the polyamory.  It might have been possible at that point, but from where the story's gone, a lot of the arcs would need to be ... really, very seriously modified.

I've got no interest in that myself, but anyone who's squicked by the story as written is more than welcome to download it and rewrite it as they see fit.  The content is entirely covered by the Creative Commons license, so as long as that's respected....  Well.  I retract my first sentence mildly; I've got no interest in writing that, but I am somewhat curious to read someone's take if they did choose to do so.

Overall, no gamestoppers in this chapter, IMO.

Well, there was the time kompression thing, but I've fixed that on my end, moving the events of this fic from some magical second Thursday and Friday to just Friday and Saturday. >.>;;

Thanks for the feedback! :D

[Brian]

"Sir," More called, coming from the crowd, but wearing the same pin as Kyon -- and attended by the huge figure of Kasai. "Is everything...." She trailed off, seeing the scene was evidently already covered. "We came as quickly as we could," she said instead.

I'm guessing that's Mori, not more. Probably autocorrected without you noticing.

Nope, phoenetic typo. O_O

The chapter seems to end rather abruptly. I'm not sure if there's a scene you're thinking of after this one, but where (and how) it ends seems somehow, unsatisfying. Perhaps:

Spoiler: ShowHide

It's because Haruhi seems really unhappy, almost angry. It's justifiable, but it doesn't seem to sit well. These chapters almost seem like a breather, but this one almost gives off a cliffhanger vibe, be it intentional or not.

Hal's comment seems similar, so I'll just omit Haruhi's dialog and leave things tense and unclear; that's a fine place to pick up next chapter anyway.

Thanks for the comments. :)

[Brian]

Seizon senryaku!

Spoiler: ShowHide

As for the plot and the tone, it really does feel like a connecting chapter. You're starting the threads of Kunikida's "Uncle", Mori+Kasai, continuing Koizumi+Kyouko, and the war with the Sumiyoshi. There were some interesting new and concluded points, though. The harem reveal to Koizumi ended up being amusing. Haruhi's jealousy seems to have flared up a bit here. Is that the original Haruhi popping through a little?

Yeah; I guess that's something of a measure of things....  I put in call-backs to previous characterization to try and show the growth and remind everyone involved that what's going on here is by no means easy.

Also, regarding Kyon being tired, has the extra energy that Haruhi gave Kyon wore off? And why wouldn't Kyon be able to be well-rested at the end of his training session?

Well, physical exhaustion and emotional exhaustion aren't the same thing.  Kyon's able to rest well with little sleep, but he's still human.

Yuki: "We can fix that."
Kuyou: "Quite easily."
Haruhi: "No turning Kyon into a tentacle monster! >_<"
Kyon: "...where did that even _come_ from?"
Haruhi: <.<
Kanae: "...that would solve a lot of problems though, you know. >.>"
Haruhi: ¬_¬
Kyon: "No!"

I'm liking the inclusion of Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's a "normal" relationship for Haruhi, I dunno.

That's the goal of that dynamic.  It's easy to just have things go off and be a big pile of supernatural beings doing supernatural stuff, and with Kyon's powerups, he wouldn't even have to be left behind.

But that's not nearly as fun, IMO, as remembering their roots.  And, Haruhi wanted to save the entire world by overloading it with fun, not just have fun herself!  (Okay, she was probably totally selfish originally, but by the later books has clearly grown. :p)

Thanks for the catches. :)

[Brian]

The way this is written, it sounds like Mikuru was with Kyon, Kanae, and Haruhi, but it seems like she came to school with Tsuruya. Am I misunderstanding this? (I'm reading this at 2AM, so that's quite likely)

Nope!  A typo on my part; Mikuru shouldn't have been in that list.

Freaking loved Yanagimoto being reminded that Haruhi is not subtle at all.

:D

"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"

Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.

Kyon was going to say 'friends.'  Kenshiro picks up on this and mentions it in the next line.  Should I clarify, do you think?

Overall, quite enjoyed the chapter, had nice surprises in store.  Enjoyed Kyon shutting down the kidnapping almost as quick as it began, and well as the curveball of the meeting with the big boss.  Glad to see he seems to not be a hot-blooded guy seeking out battle where he can.

Kumichou: "I'm Tsuruya Kenshiro's boss -- do you think the author would let me be lame?"
Well, I guess you could have been nefarious, and then there's be a plot to overthrow you and have Kenshiro take over--
Kumichou: "I'm based on a real person -- do you really want to risk making an actual Yakuza irritated by using them as a villain in your fic?"
...kind-and-awesome kumichou is BEST kumichou. o_o;;

Thanks for the commentary. :D

[Brian]

Hmmm...

Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...

[spoilers]

I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...

Haruhi's real irritation is that the date isn't going as well as she'd like.  I probably need to make that clearer; she thinks Kyon's stressed, and the date is supposed to be fun for all of them, and a chance to relax.  She gets frustrated that they're supposed to be unwinding and he's absorbed with his job -- and then more frustrated that she can't actually be angry because he's justified.

Also, gave Kanae a chance to remind Haruhi that she'd rather everyone get along.

And ... I'm not clear on this -- you think Haruhi would try and pull Sasaki into the group?  O_o?

Haruhi thought in a previous chapter that Sasaki finding out about the polyamory would be bad specifically because Haruhi thought Sasaki would want in.  While things can change on that front, and Haruhi is genuinely attempting to be Sasaki's friend, that's a bit of an abrupt jump. :p

Give it time. ^_^;

Thanks for the commentary!

[Brian]

Alright, and now the big hueg replies. o_o

Mood?

Oops--  Yes.

"How often do people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right?  So -- when was the last time you had dinner with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"

Maybe better without this "do"?

"We're asking how often people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right?  So -- when was the last time you had dinner out with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"

Sometimes in this chapter, it's been "rumor-mill" instead.

Consistency is king.  Removed the dash from chapter ten's instance as well (oops); this is mostly because I don't want to change all instances to be hyphenated only because I want to avoid changing the chapter title. <_<;

...lazy writer is lazy. >_<

This gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.

Hm....  Oh, no, Kyon's refering to the hypothetica; Yuki typically goes to the clubroom for lunch anyway, and even if they weren't hiding from the rumor mill so would Mikuru.  I think this needs some clarification, possibly, but am not sure how.  Suggestions?

The esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face.  "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder.  "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well....  It's nonsense to try and be annoyed.  So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"

Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.

Hmm, which part?  Or all of it?

She bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized.  What the hell was up with that?  He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?

Haruhi seems just a hair quick to conclude it's Sasaki whom Kyon expected to hear from, but only just.  For the sake of keeping things moving, I think this is forgivable.

To be fair, there is a precedent for this. <_<;;

He didn't wait for a response before dashing toward the large, open wall with a view of the candle-filled pond.

"Good luck!" Tsuruya called, just before he vanished into the darkness.

"But--" Haruhi started to protest before scowling.  "Damn it!"

Repetitive construction.

Just before he vanished into the darkness, Tsuruya managed to call out, "Good luck!"

I also moved Kyon's departure to the paragraph where he last speaks to help try and break that up a bit.

Haruhi is extremely irritated about Kyon having to leave to rescue Sasaki, and really, thinking about the time he's missing with them instead of a girl who's just been kidnapped (again!) does seem like a bit much.  I think Haruhi can understand what Kyon's having to do here on her own, even while it sours her mood to such an extent that it worries Tsuruya and Kanae.  Something to consider, at any rate.

On the other hand, I'm not one to shy away from characters to who show a little human weakness and irrational thinking for a moment before collecting themselves.

Yeah, if it's over the top I can curb it a little, but Haruhi's frustration (and the jealousy/possessiveness thing) is actually leading to a plot point. >_>;;

"Take care, Sir," Mori added.

I think I read that "sir" by itself shouldn't be capitalized this way?  Minor point.

I believe that anything when used in lieu of a proper name should be capitalized.  I suppose that 'sir' specifically may be an exception(?), but leaving it capatalized will be consistent to previous chapters. :x

"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car.  He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks....  Was she blushing?  Mori?

Mori and Kasai, together forever.

It was either that or Mori/Koizumi, and--
Miyoko: "I REFUSE!"
Erm. >_>;
Kyouko: "What's this all about?"
Miyoko: *glaring daggers*
Koizumi: "...thankfully I got that training from Kyon. -_-"  *facepalms*
...anyway.

Overall, I really like the personality of the Yamaguchi kumiyoshi and his overall plan for Kyon.  Haruhi's efforts to extend a branch to Sasaki are welcome to see.  One thing I thought a bit conspicuous was that Asahina's time with Kyon was more-or-less glossed over instead of presented in the same level of detail as Kyon's dinner with Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae.  Then again, I personally can't think of what would go there if the scene had been presented in more detail, so the difference may be justified.

Hmm.  It's ... somewhat touched on later where Mikuru notes that it wasn't enough time to really do anything.  Hopefully it'll work as it is.  >_<;;

Okay -- thanks for the reply, as always, Muphrid. :D

[Brian]

No witty lead-in today, apologies.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Sympathy does not exist alone to be observed and not participated in

Word order is a little awkward (although that might be partly intentional.) I'd suggest "Sympathy does not exist to be observed alone without participating."

Hmm....  Maybe drop the 'alone' and change it to 'participation'?

so my theory is ... there's some kind of family trouble.  That's why he's so distressed he made trouble, right?

Repetition of 'trouble'. Maybe 'issues' for the first?

Oh, I like that. :D

Timing issue. This should be Friday, I think, and while she -could- check him out with Yanagimoto the next day it'd need to be in here somewhere. Push it off to next week, perhaps?

Yeah, that's now Monday.

Repetition of 'cloth' from the previous paragraph. Might want to use 'fabric' for one of them.

Material?

Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit

Looking at this overall it's not a widespread problem, but it feels like you've used 'time traveler' quite a bit in short succession here - this is the third time this phrase has been used since the beginning of the chapter. Maybe mix this up with other titles/descriptors for Mikuru?

Might just be me being oversensitive to it, too.

Not sure.  There were more instances of 'Mikuru' between those two.  Still, changed the middle one (of five uses in this chapter) to 'chief of mascot services'.

She trailed off and bit her bottom lip

Not necessarily a correction, but I'm used to seeing this described as 'chewing his/her lip'.

Interesting.  I think I'll leave it as is.

Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.

This is kind of disconnected as it stands; at the very least, there should be a comma after 'though', although this is one of those spots where it might be better to use another word - or rephrase entirely. I'd suggest a sentence about all three dressing up in kimono, with an aside to say that Haruhi and Tsuruya dressed up Kanae themselves, since there's nothing here about what the other two are wearing.

Hmm....  How about:

Even better, Tsuruya had gotten Kanae an incredibly cute kimono -- her pattern was crescent moons and bamboo.  Haruhi supposed it was supposed to reference Kaguya-hime, the girl from the moon, but thought she liked the idea of it being a Tanabata evening better.

     Haruhi and Tsuruya had been familiar with the outfits, having worn theirs to the restaraunt together last time.  Since they were much faster than Kanae, they had both gotten to dress the smaller girl up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.  Thinking of Mikuru, she really needed to be rewarded for the amazing amount of effort she was putting into those costumes.

For Kanae's sake, if nothing else;

Sentence fragment. The section works as written, but could be fixed up with a wide-scale punctuation shuffle:

She couldn't let that make her feel even worse; she needed to pull herself up from this spiral -- for Kanae's sake, if nothing else. She was trying to make Kanae feel comfortable, safe, and happy.

I'll go with that.

Taking another breath and forcing herself to calm,

Technically correct as written, but looks a little odd. I'd expect 'calm down' or at least 'sound/look calm'.

Oh?  Alright, then.  I'll go with calm down.

To say nothing of the fact that Sasaki was certain that Kyouko's apology was genuine.

Sentence fragment. I'd say it could be em-dash spliced to the previous sentence except you already have an em-dash in it. Might replace that first one with a semicolon, though.

Stylistic?

Your nickname, and I haven't gone back to check previous incarnations, but I would think this would be 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' (only one hyphen). Might be wrong though, ignore if so.

Name shouldn't be hyphenated, too; this mistake appears to have been made elsewhere, according to the complete file.  Mrg.  Time to build another one of those, too. x_x

Heaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition and killed the engine, then dropped them on the floor.

Order of operations seems off here. Wouldn't he kill the engine, then take the keys out and drop them?

Er, the idea was that removing the keys killed the engine.  I'll clarify.

Heaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition, shutting the engine off, then dropped them on the floor.  "So, _now_ what?" he grumbled.

Possible timing issue here, at least to me. Cram schools can certainly run into the evening, but in this case there's been enough time for the Brigade meeting, Kyon helping Mikuru over to her apartment with the sewing machine, and getting to the restaurant to meet Tsuruya and Haruhi before the abduction takes place. Where was Sasaki during that time? If she's got a club meeting of some sort at her own school, sure, but there's still a fairly large gap between clubs breaking up and when Kyon gets to the restaurant (or it seems like there should be).

Bah. Probably making something out of nothing here. Feel free to ignore my ramblings.

I thought it was mentioned they left early?  I did not.  I only implied it.

"Okies!" Tsuruya declared, clapping her hands together.  "While we're getting ready for our plans tonight, Mikuru-chan, Kyon-kun can leave early to help you carry those things home -- and meet with you in the mornings to bring it back!"

Beyond that, it is established that Sasaki's cram school starts around 5:00 ...ish?  Hmm.

You know, I totally messed up, but it's also easily justified with her going in the evenings on Saturday specifically.

Lots and lots of commas, kind of run-on. Suggestion for the breakup:

There was the time running to the scene -- which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location. Next was the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, and then more time to return her home. Then, since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

Alrighty.

Mulling that over, he let himself be led to another car, and get driven home.

No comma needed before 'and', and I'd switch out 'get' for 'be'.

How about:

Mulling that over, he let himself be led to another car and then driven home.

everyone on their best behavior with the kumichou of the Yamiguchi-gumi on site

You have this as Yamaguchi-gumi elsewhere, but I honestly am not certain which is correct. Yamaguchi seems to be winning by volume, though.

...'Yamaguchi' is correct. >_<

Note to self: Recreate/publish chapter 9, 12, 14, 16, 22, 43, 50, 51 and 52

I must have gotten the wrong one into my dictionary at some point.

He's my son-in-law, and also her saiko-komon

He's not Kyon's father-in-law yet, just engaged to his daughter.

Kenshiro: "He's not my son-in-law yet?  Humph!  Aida-chan--"
Tsuruya: "Not the way to handle that, Father."
Kenshiro: *wilting* "...oh."

'future' son-in-law, now. >.>

Kenshiro: *grumbling about the all-solving power of money*

though looked like a match for almost any man in a fight

Bringing this up here as a generality, since I see this a lot and it almost always pings my radar as unclear. I see you use this construction without a pronoun (e.g. "though he looked like a match...") quite frequently, and while it's a valid way to phrase it, I rarely see it without it making me catch for a moment and look it over twice to make sure I didn't miss something.

Since it's stylistic, I'm just going to note it here; if you want I can go back and look for other occurrences, but otherwise I'll let this point drop when I see it in the future.

Ah ... yes, I do that a lot.  I think I'll leave it be unless it's a problem for anyone.  I'll try and cut down a bit in the future if I've been overdoing it.  <_<;;

but then, most of that's been for others

Vestigial comma.

Hmm.  I feel there should be a comma after the then, because I naturally pause when running the dialog through my head.

I've used the 'but then' structure a bit, though; I find if I remove the comma, I also want to cut the 'then'.  Which works!

because of the damage that Kyon-kun has caused

More a personal quibble than an error; it seems odd that the kumichou would immediately settle into using Kyon-kun. I'd be expecting just 'Kyon' here (-kun feels a little too informal, and using -san on a nickname is just kind of weird.)

Hmmm.  Hmmm.

Ksasai/Shinobu: "Kyon-dono?"
Matsuri: "Kyon-nii-sama!"

Well, none of those are 'san.'  ...okay, wow, that just made something click from canon for me.  The use of a nickname results in Kyon being irritated that he doesn't feel anyone respects him.  Well, we knew that, but I'd never considered that as a reason for him to dislike the nickname beyond just not liking it.

...bit of a digression.  Okay, will be just 'Kyon'.

No caps for kumichou, unless you add them everywhere else (which makes less sense, as it's a job title).

Or it's being used in place of his name.

Understand you're shooting for a cliffhanger here, but this seems to go both too far and not far enough. It's setting up that Haruhi's going to have a spat with Tsuruya over this, but by actually starting the conversation, it puts too much into it. Maybe just back it off to Tsuruya turning around, straightening out her kimono, and coming face-to-face with a very sour-looking Haruhi who doesn't say anything?

Breaking up the actual dialogue between chapters seems like a bit much to me, is all.

Mm, alright.  Cut.

Okay!  That was extensive. X_X

Thanks for the reply. :D

[Brian]

I'm pretty sure I haven't doubled up on anybody else's corrections.

No real problem even if you did. :p

"Um ... let's say that it's suddenly come to my attention that Kyon-kun may be the ideal person to turn for advice in the matter of Kyouko,"

*ideal person to turn to

Either that or Koizumi standing over Kyon while holding an SOS Brigade logo on a chain and shouting, "The power of Suzumiya compells you!" yeah. >_>;;

Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.

This sentence seems to be missing something.

This part got rewritten a bit. <_<;;

"Kyon-kun may be busy reassuring Sasaki-san for a bit, but with any luck, once that's taken care of we can make up for lost time later,"

Did you mean "rescuing" instead of "reassuring" here?

Nope. >_>;;

However -- is this worth expanding on?  That Tsuruya expects Kyon is going to do more than just kick some ass and then leave?  I can do it pretty organically; it underscores Tsuruya's own happiness with those virtues of Kyon's (sticking with people he cares about).

It seems weird that Kasai would say this. Even if she did have the time to train, she's still a teenage girl targeted by an organized crime syndicate. It would make more sense for him to just point out that a girl her size wouldn't stand a chance even if she had the time to learn to fight.

Hmmm.  Expanded on that slightly, then:

"Wouldn't really make a difference," Kasai countered.  "You don't have the kind of time you need to gain appreciable skill versus attackers who are both larger and better trained."

The phrasing here seems a little odd to me. "I'm fine, but I was a bit shaken;" or "I'm fine, but a bit shaken;" feels more natural.

Really?  Alright.  I'll simplify:

"There was an incident with some vehicles on the way to the school," Sasaki answered, being technically honest after switching to her house slippers and walking to the kitchen entrance.  "I was a bit shaken; coming back home seemed like a good idea."

"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?

Ohoho, what have we here? :)

Mori: <_<;;
Kasai: *raises eyebrow, cracks knuckles*

"I think I know her sizes," Kanae remarked, sitting up. "Nagato-san has taught me a lot about recognizing distances and measurements!"

"Alright, but Kyon can't hear that," Haruhi interjected before she could continue. "A girl's sizes are secret!"

Not to a dirty minded girl with supplemental training from Nagato, they're not. She has surpassed normal human limits to become Kanae: Big Damn Pervert.

XD

Well, it seemed amusing at the time ... and seems more amusing now~! :p

Okay -- thanks for the feedback!  I'll get a revised version with the changes up tonight or tomorrow, but it's probably going to be complete after this. :)

[Phantom Kirin]

Hmmm...

Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...

[spoilers]

I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...

Haruhi's real irritation is that the date isn't going as well as she'd like.  I probably need to make that clearer; she thinks Kyon's stressed, and the date is supposed to be fun for all of them, and a chance to relax.  She gets frustrated that they're supposed to be unwinding and he's absorbed with his job -- and then more frustrated that she can't actually be angry because he's justified.

Also, gave Kanae a chance to remind Haruhi that she'd rather everyone get along.

And ... I'm not clear on this -- you think Haruhi would try and pull Sasaki into the group?  O_o?

Haruhi thought in a previous chapter that Sasaki finding out about the polyamory would be bad specifically because Haruhi thought Sasaki would want in.  While things can change on that front, and Haruhi is genuinely attempting to be Sasaki's friend, that's a bit of an abrupt jump. :p

Give it time. ^_^;

Thanks for the commentary!

Actually, the logic behind my words were fairly simple, if anything. I would of thought that the main hurdle that was keeping Sasaki away from the rest of the Brigade was, in fact, her Power Nullifier ability, and that, should that problem be resolved, then ironing out the rest of the issues would be but a simple manner, seeing as Haruhi and the others wouldn't have to hide anything from her anymore, which in my view is the main reason why it is difficult to do so in the first place. (I do recall that, in an earlier chapter, Haruhi's idea of keeping Sasaki away ended up leaving Haruhi with a whole lot of guilt over the fact that she is lying to Sasaki, coming to the realization that she doesn't want to do such a thing, but really has no choice in the matter, due to the danger that Sasaki poses from her power)

My thoughts on this, therefore, would be something like this:

1) Sasaki's power is halted in some way or another by having her believe in the supernatural(this is very much possible, given that her power requires her direct perception to affect such a thing, by simply taking her to a place that could completely not make any sort of sense normally, such as Kuyou's Shadow Song, while she is unconscious, and, after waking up, have her realize that this is something that cannot be explained in a mindset that does not believe in the supernatural, thus requiring that someone, preferably by Kyon, explain to her what is going on and that there is more to the world than what she currently believes in, helping to fill in the blanks and all that).

2) With said power disabled or whatnot, Haruhi can start to befriend her without worrying about her powers being undone(if Sasaki's power is halted by the fact that she is willing to believe in the supernatural, then Haruhi could even demonstrate a few of her own abilities to her, stating that "most of us tend to have a few secrets, a few tricks up our sleeves. It's just that some of those are any but mundane." or something to that effect), and Sasaki can also start to befriend the rest of the Brigade as well.

3) Sasaki somehow ends up hearing about the polyamory thing that Haruhi and the others have been having with Kyon, and confronts them about it. Haruhi (or whoever else is confronted by this) will likely have to explain it to her at some point afterward, and it may end up taking a while to deal with the aftermath. (A possible solution would be that Kuyou would come and help her friend understand why they had to hide it, and offer some help with the notion that it may not be too late to, with the friendships that she is forming with the others, to "tighten her orbit" in a way that would allow for her to be able to eventually join in, just as Kuyou had to learn from her experiences of "tightening her own orbit" with Kyon)

4) After all is said and done, and Sasaki's bonds to the other members of the Brigade grow strong, she can finally join in on all this.

Naturally, as you said yourself, Durandall, this is something that needs time for it to happen, and more importantly, it fits in with the idea of people earning their Happy Ending, so the same would apply to Sasaki as well.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds bossy or weird or rude... I was just stating what I thought is all.

[Muphrid]

This gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.

Hm....  Oh, no, Kyon's refering to the hypothetica; Yuki typically goes to the clubroom for lunch anyway, and even if they weren't hiding from the rumor mill so would Mikuru.  I think this needs some clarification, possibly, but am not sure how.  Suggestions?

I think it may just be the greater logic of the passage then.  Let's look at the stuff around it:

Still, if the rumor-mongers weren't bothering him or Tsuruya, and Haruhi had dealt with those bothering herself and Kanae....  Who else was really left to be annoyed?  Mikuru had evidently warded them off by claiming to have a boyfriend, and Koizumi didn't appear to have any real problems on that front....

But then, it wasn't like he really wanted to complain about spending his lunch with the Brigade.  Yuki would come to the clubroom to read after eating anyway, and Mikuru would probably arrive just to work on the costumes.  While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company.

Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit, once she set down her scissors, he gently tapped her shoulder.  "Asahina-san?" he hazarded.

So, I get that Asahina and Nagato would be in the club room anyway, whether there was a rumor mill to avoid or not?  But the hypothetical doesn't really make it clear that that's what it's trying to talk about, nor am I really clear why it matters.

I guess the best way to fix it really depends on the meaning of the last sentence in that second paragraph:  "While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company."  To be honest, I just don't understand what "that" is referring to.  Does he think he's going to disturb them by eating lunch there?

I'm just really confused. :/

The esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face.  "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder.  "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well....  It's nonsense to try and be annoyed.  So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"

Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.

Hmm, which part?  Or all of it?

"Try and be annoyed," in particular.

...I see now the script I wrote to strip out html and do some other stuff to make it easier to c&c has actually stripped out all the times I underlined to try to make myself clear.  Oops.  Gonna go back and fix that.

[JonBob]

It's nonsense to try and be annoyed

I think normally it'd be "It's nonsense to try to be annoyed" but the repetition of "to" means an alternative word is needed. I suppose in isolation and when I focus on it, it comes across as "It's nonsense to try and it's nonsense to be annoyed."

[Brian]

I guess the best way to fix it really depends on the meaning of the last sentence in that second paragraph:  "While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company."  To be honest, I just don't understand what "that" is referring to.  Does he think he's going to disturb them by eating lunch there?

I'm just really confused. :/

Looking at it a bit more closely, the paragraph doesn't serve a point.  I think I can trim it down to just this:

Of course, it wasn't like having lunch with the Brigade was any kind of imposition, anyway.

"Try and be annoyed," in particular.

'try and' is reflexive, I think; shouldn't be there.  I will apply the all solving hammer of cutting the problem text! :D

Actually, some slight additional modification:

It would be nonsense to be annoyed.

Alright -- thanks for the feedback!

[Taper]

Um -- belated realization, but "Quiet, Uneventful Evenings" is also the title of chapter 33 (Thwarted Lull 5).  If the duplication is intentional, then fine, but if not...

[Brian]

Yeah, that wouldn't surprise me. >_<

I make that kind of error(sadly) frequently.  I'll come up with another title--  I'm very glad you caught that, since it's the kind of mistake I make!

[thedarkfreak]

"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"

Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.

Kyon was going to say 'friends.'  Kenshiro picks up on this and mentions it in the next line.  Should I clarify, do you think?

I got that he was going to say 'friends', but the way it's worded, "and of our", I'm not quite sure how to puzzle that out.  "So, if they attack and of our friends"?  Doesn't seem to read correctly to me.

Also, I thought the title being duplicated was intentional; I saw it right away.  *shrug*