[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 52

[Brian]

urg

I had to force my way through the last few scenes.  Confidence is still shaky, and I'm sure it needs a lot of work. >_<

Sorry about the delay.

[GeshronTyler]

Yay! New chapter!  I don't have the time to do an in depth critique, so here are some things that come immediately to mind.  I thought Haruhi's reaction to Kyon's distraction over, and subsequent needing to rescue Sasaki a bit extreme, given that she knows that Sasaki is important to Kyon, and is trying to be a friend to her as well.  In-story character reactions aside, the whole point of the text message signal after all is to alert Kyon that Sasaki may be in danger. ^_^  Haruhi struck me as being fairly angry, as opposed to strongly jealous/irritated.  That's my own personal impression, of course.  Certainly, the girls would be expected to be unhappy over Kyon bailing out like that, since emotions are not ruled by logic.  I'm liking the Haruhi-Kanae dynamic, especially from last chapter.  It might be nice to see a bit more of the rest of the evening from the girls' point of view.  Too bad Haruka's father put such a damper on the rest of the evening.  Kyon never cleared the air with Haruhi, or any of the girls about that evening, did he?  Does that mean that Haruhi and Haruka basically accepted that it was necessary? 

I hadn't expected the incident with the new Sumiyoshi members, considering the chapter title. =P  The detail about the ill-fitting suits, is that supposed to convey that the Sumi-yoshi troops aren't well organized, and that these operations are just being tossed together?

Sasaki is adjusting fairly well, considering.  Now that Haruhi has a clear lead to the guy most likely responsible for the new kidnapping attempt, thanks to the business card, I wonder how many likely and unlikely coincidences will prevent that from being followed up on. ^_^   

Mori/Kasai, eh?  Not too surprising. =)  Koizumi figured out the Harem Plan I see.  At least he's got his own love interest.

I'm a bit confused as to when certain future events previously mentioned are expected to take place.  First would be Kyon's sister's field trip, next would be Kyon's birthday/Watanagashi (sp?), which Kyon was supposed to be planning.  Actually, I thought that would have been the upcoming weekend, In-story.  Haruhi's planning the flash-mob though, so I guess the trip to Hinamizawa (sp?) is still in the future, time line wise?  I can't remember if the IP the costumes are being based on was mentioned outright, but I'm looking forward to the discriptions.

The interview with the "Big Boss" was interesting, though he didn't say anything that Kyon wouldn't have done on his own.  Protect Sasaki? Check.  Not escalate things? Check.  Stand by Haruka (and all his other girls?) ABSO-CHECK-LUTELY!   

Nice twist at the very end, there.  Did Yuki send Haruhi, or did she do that on her own?  It seems that Haruhi was watching, from her last comment. 

I recall that some commentor (might have been on Space Battles) felt that too much focus was being put on the interpersonal relationships.  For my part, I like observing how the characters are interacting with each other, and their relationships change.  I enjoy the action/thriller elements just as much.  I couldn't tell you to expand one at the expense of the other, since they seem to be equally important to the story as a whole.  Observing how the girls start to deepen their relationship with each other and Kyon is something of a guilty pleasure (imagination can paint such _beautiful pictures... ehem).  Me, myself, and I, are currently running a betting pool on which girls are the first ones to kiss each other seriously.    (like I said, guilty pleasures...)

Overall, no gamestoppers in this chapter, IMO.

Thanks, read you next time.

[Grahf]

One thing I noticed:

"Sir," More called, coming from the crowd, but wearing the same pin as Kyon -- and attended by the huge figure of Kasai. "Is everything...." She trailed off, seeing the scene was evidently already covered. "We came as quickly as we could," she said instead.

I'm guessing that's Mori, not more. Probably autocorrected without you noticing.

It's late, and I don't have much to say;

The chapter seems to end rather abruptly. I'm not sure if there's a scene you're thinking of after this one, but where (and how) it ends seems somehow, unsatisfying. Perhaps:

Spoiler: ShowHide

It's because Haruhi seems really unhappy, almost angry. It's justifiable, but it doesn't seem to sit well. These chapters almost seem like a breather, but this one almost gives off a cliffhanger vibe, be it intentional or not.

[JonBob]

Seizon senryaku!

Spoiler: ShowHide

No fair of her tring to shoulder this entire burden alone!"

trYing. Also, when I try to read the sentence aloud in my head, it feels awkward, but it's more likely me just not getting it today (you know, those days where you read "one" and feel it's spelled wrong but know it's right?)

"Okay," Kyon said slowly. "So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"

"attack any of" ?

As for the plot and the tone, it really does feel like a connecting chapter. You're starting the threads of Kunikida's "Uncle", Mori+Kasai, continuing Koizumi+Kyouko, and the war with the Sumiyoshi. There were some interesting new and concluded points, though. The harem reveal to Koizumi ended up being amusing. Haruhi's jealousy seems to have flared up a bit here. Is that the original Haruhi popping through a little?

Are you going to have Sasaki getting kidnapped be a recurring event? I don't care either way, I'm just curious.

Also, regarding Kyon being tired, has the extra energy that Haruhi gave Kyon wore off? And why wouldn't Kyon be able to be well-rested at the end of his training session?

I'm liking the inclusion of Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's a "normal" relationship for Haruhi, I dunno.

[Specular]

First of all, I must confess I'm confused about the time frame. According to Filraen's timeline the last chapter (kbdh51) ends on Thursday, then kbdh52 depicts two additional school days while apparently implying that the following day is a Saturday. Is this correct?

[Brian]

First of all, I must confess I'm confused about the time frame. According to Filraen's timeline the last chapter (kbdh51) ends on Thursday, then kbdh52 depicts two additional school days while apparently implying that the following day is a Saturday. Is this correct?

...I may have made such an error.  It wouldn't be the first time.

Yeah, I think that's the case.  Erg.  Okay, I'll do some time kompression. <_<;;  I'll try and fix this tonight, and give everyone else a proper reply once I get that straightened out.

* Brian goes searching for a tindaloi hound to ride into the sunset.

[thedarkfreak]

and Tsuruya was happy to run into Kyon, Kanae, Mikuru, and Haruhi, walking as a group up from the train station.

The way this is written, it sounds like Mikuru was with Kyon, Kanae, and Haruhi, but it seems like she came to school with Tsuruya. Am I misunderstanding this? (I'm reading this at 2AM, so that's quite likely)


Freaking loved Yanagimoto being reminded that Haruhi is not subtle at all.

YA: "Well, we have to be careful, we can't rely on everything we hear, but we may be able to figure out who it is if we're careful."
SH: "OI! YOU! WHO WAS THAT GUY?!"
YA: 0_o

"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"

Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.


Overall, quite enjoyed the chapter, had nice surprises in store.  Enjoyed Kyon shutting down the kidnapping almost as quick as it began, and well as the curveball of the meeting with the big boss.  Glad to see he seems to not be a hot-blooded guy seeking out battle where he can.  Also liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car.  I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.

[alethiophile]

Every time one of these comes out, I think I'm going to wait until it's more polished before I read it, and then not six hours after I make that decision I succumb and read it anyway. I didn't have this problem before I started hanging out here. >_<

On first read, not much to say except fanboyism. I'll try to come back tomorrow and give it another read over for C&C.

[JonBob]

Also liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car.  I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.

They're going to Tsuruya's house and when she gets out of the car Haruhi is waiting for her.

[thedarkfreak]

Also liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car.  I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.

They're going to Tsuruya's house and when she gets out of the car Haruhi is waiting for her.

:blink: *facepalm*

Duh.  That's what I get for reading at 2 AM.  Thanks for clarifying that :P

[Phantom Kirin]

Hmmm...

Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...

Spoiler: ShowHide

From what she understood, things with his parents were working out reasonable well, and they loved Tsuruya, so wouldn't bat an eyelash at him having dinner with her. He'd just been with the rest of the Brigade, so who else--

She bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized. What the hell was up with that? He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?

She stewed for a moment, mulling things over. What should she do, anyway? Chew him out at the table for ignoring her-- for ignoring Tsuruya, his fiancee? Maybe just ask him more directly?

The servers finished setting the first course at the table and backed away. Just as Haruhi had decided to try and be subtle -- but absolutely intending to give him a piece of her mind -- Kyon's phone rang, though with an unfamiliar tone. Seriously? At a place this nice, he hadn't shut his phone off?

I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...

[Arakawa]

I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon?

Huh. My interpretation is almost completely different; so far I get the sense that Haruhi starts out with a deep, instinctual fear and jealousy of Sasaki (based on the inherent conflict between their powers), but comes around to the fact that she needs to tolerate her presence. There's a long distance from that point to Haruhi actually feeling good about the situation, and an even longer distance to actually wanting her in the harem. The reader mostly gets to enjoy the fanservice; Haruhi actually has to handle the burden of making sure everyone gets along.

On top of that, it seems to me that on finding out about the harem, Sasaki (at least the canon version) would be more likely to decide to back off and suppress her own feelings for Kyon, rather than decide to enter such a (from her point of view) risky arrangement.

[Muphrid]

Tsuruya has Asahina over for dinner, and they spend the night there.  They meet up with Kyon, Haruhi, and Kanae on the way to school.  As a point of fact,

It was hardly the first time Tsuruya had Mikuru stay over through the night, anyway.  When morning came around, she'd dragged the other girl to the bath, since Mikuru was slower to wake.  After that and a pleasant breakfast, the pair undertook the familiar walk to school -- and Tsuruya was happy to run into Kyon, Kanae, Mikuru, and Haruhi, walking as a group up from the train station.

Since Tsuruya was with Asahina, I think that can be fixed.

Tsuruya thinks better of hugging Kyon on the spot.  They arrange for a double date (Tsuruya and Kyon, Haruhi and Kanae), and Tsuruya thinks on giving Asahina some time with Kyon later on.


Haruhi goes toward class, running into Yanagimoto, and they talk about Kunikida.

"So the question is ... what kind of family trouble?" the gymnast asked with a shrug.  "Maybe a job for you guys?  Investigate that uncle, see what can turn up?  Maybe you can help him out -- if he's in a better move, we can have Sakanaka poised to strike!"

Mood?

They run into Kunikida just after the stairs, and Haruhi decides not to bother with being covert.

"How often do people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right?  So -- when was the last time you had dinner with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"

Maybe better without this "do"?

Kunikida forks over the business card, giving Haruhi a solid lead.


We cut to Kyon at lunch.

Escaping the press of the rumor mill during lunch was a welcome reprieve, in Kyon's mind.  The tradition had started first when he was 'grounded' from participating in club activities, but had been revived in the face of the muttering going around the school.  He supposed it could have been worse ... though he wasn't sure when it had happened, most of the students didn't bother him or Tsuruya--

Sometimes in this chapter, it's been "rumor-mill" instead.

But then, it wasn't like he really wanted to complain about spending his lunch with the Brigade.  Yuki would come to the clubroom to read after eating anyway, and Mikuru would probably arrive just to work on the costumes.  While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company.

This gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.

Haruhi and Tsuruya tag team to make sure Asahina gets some private time with Kyon, and Koizumi decides it's time to probe Kyon on the topic of the girls.

The esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face.  "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder.  "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well....  It's nonsense to try and be annoyed.  So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"

Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.

Koizumi remarks that Haruhi should be a little more subtle, and with that, they head back to lunch.


We cut to double-date time.

Even though she'd been before, Haruhi had to admit that with Tsuruya's access, going to probably the most expensive and fanciest restaurant in the city was kind of fun.  And last time, Tsuruya and Kyon had both been before -- now she got to have a leg up on Kanae!

Repetition.

Kyon is slightly distracted from not having received the text he expected, but it's not quite time to dwell on that.

She bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized.  What the hell was up with that?  He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?

Haruhi seems just a hair quick to conclude it's Sasaki whom Kyon expected to hear from, but only just.  For the sake of keeping things moving, I think this is forgivable.

Kyon's phone rings.

He didn't wait for a response before dashing toward the large, open wall with a view of the candle-filled pond.

"Good luck!" Tsuruya called, just before he vanished into the darkness.

"But--" Haruhi started to protest before scowling.  "Damn it!"

Repetitive construction.

Haruhi is extremely irritated about Kyon having to leave to rescue Sasaki, and really, thinking about the time he's missing with them instead of a girl who's just been kidnapped (again!) does seem like a bit much.  I think Haruhi can understand what Kyon's having to do here on her own, even while it sours her mood to such an extent that it worries Tsuruya and Kanae.  Something to consider, at any rate.

On the other hand, I'm not one to shy away from characters to who show a little human weakness and irrational thinking for a moment before collecting themselves.

Things pick up, though, and the girls continue with dinner as best they can.


We see Sasaki being kidnapped once more.  The detail about how she got to know her protectors is a nice touch.


Kyon arrives on the scene and takes care of business, and Sasaki refuses to believe Kunikida could've had anything to do with this.  Sasaki presses Kyon some more, to no end, but they part on good terms overall.


Kyon tries to puzzle out the Sumiyoshi's purpose in going after Sasaki when they ought to have better things to do.  He dismisses the idea of going back to dinner and decides to see to it that the men who were attacked are well cared for.

"Take care, Sir," Mori added.

I think I read that "sir" by itself shouldn't be capitalized this way?  Minor point.

"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car.  He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks....  Was she blushing?  Mori?

Mori and Kasai, together forever.

Kyon tries to reschedule for Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae, but instead, he's going to see the boss tomorrow.

Kyon goes home exhausted and without dinner, falling asleep.

He ended up going to sleep exhausted, and woken up to the barely familiar events of his sister barging into his room.  "Morning~!" she chirped, rousing him before she could try a more energetic attack.  He caught a whiff of the scent of Mikuru's shampoo -- wait!  Mikuru?!  He'd slept through....

What is the source of the scent if he has to go meet her?  She's at his place instead, isn't she.  That's what jives with the part about spending time in Kyon's bed later; I see now.


Cut to lunch the next day, and Haruhi, Yanagimoto, and Sakanaka are strategizing.  They decide that trying to get Sasaki integrated with their circle may help with Sakanaka's pursuit of Kunikida.


Sunday's event expands to include Kyouko and Sasaki.  Haruhi in particular is making a good effort to work Sasaki into thing, even if the cat is still in the bag.

"Well," she thought Haruhi continued, "we've lost her -- Mikuru-chan is something else when she's inspired!  Okay -- Kanae-chan, let me help you out on those designs!  No fair of her tring to shoulder this entire burden alone!"

Trying.


From here, Kyon and Tsuruya go to the meeting with the boss man.

"For trouble ... Sumiyoshi-kai are acting agressive all over.  We've had a longstanding rivalry with them, but usually it doesn't escalate into some almost unheard of underboss single-handedly shutting down their organization in an entire city, and then buying their men out.  Follow that up with massive damage outside of our city to their financial holdings....

Aggressive.

The kumichou's smile widened.  "Be the better man," he odered, pointing a finger at Kyon imperiously.  "Don't retaliate.  Defend what is ours -- protect the family.  Stop them from acting in our city.  But to truly shame them ... don't attack them back."

Ordered.

So, to Kyon and Tsuruya's relief, the word is to not retaliate, only to let the Sumiyoshi expend their resources fruitlessly.  The best thing from our heroes' perspective.

The second they were both in the car, headed for her place, she threw herself at him again.  While initially startled, she could tell how much he'd been stressed and uncertain.  His return kiss was a bit more ... frantic than usual.  It wasn't the safest thing in the world, but then, they'd changed clothes while the car was driving -- he might be stuck in that suit, but a kimono was fairly ajustable, wasn't it?

Adjustable.

Tsuruya waved at the car as it drove out of sight, jumping in alarm when Haruhi's voice broke through her mood, grumbling, "So, you two got to have fun?"

Ominous indeed.


Overall, I really like the personality of the Yamaguchi kumiyoshi and his overall plan for Kyon.  Haruhi's efforts to extend a branch to Sasaki are welcome to see.  One thing I thought a bit conspicuous was that Asahina's time with Kyon was more-or-less glossed over instead of presented in the same level of detail as Kyon's dinner with Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae.  Then again, I personally can't think of what would go there if the scene had been presented in more detail, so the difference may be justified.

[Halbarad]

No witty lead-in today, apologies.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Sympathy does not exist alone to be observed and not participated in

Word order is a little awkward (although that might be partly intentional.) I'd suggest "Sympathy does not exist to be observed alone without participating."

so my theory is ... there's some kind of family trouble.  That's why he's so distressed he made trouble, right?

Repetition of 'trouble'. Maybe 'issues' for the first?

Investigate that uncle, see what can turn up?

Feels like it's missing a word - I'd use "see what you can turn up" or just "see what you turn up".

but we can check this guy out, maybe on Saturday, right?

Timing issue. This should be Friday, I think, and while she -could- check him out with Yanagimoto the next day it'd need to be in here somewhere. Push it off to next week, perhaps?

Then again, it wasn't like that other students had any idea

s/that/the/

Half of the table was taken up by her designs and the cloth she had laid out

Repetition of 'cloth' from the previous paragraph. Might want to use 'fabric' for one of them.

Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit

Looking at this overall it's not a widespread problem, but it feels like you've used 'time traveler' quite a bit in short succession here - this is the third time this phrase has been used since the beginning of the chapter. Maybe mix this up with other titles/descriptors for Mikuru?

Might just be me being oversensitive to it, too.

"I just wanted to ask how your project was going," he said, shaking his head gently.  "Oh--  Very well," she said happily.

You've got dialogue from two characters in one paragraph here.

She trailed off and bit her bottom lip

Not necessarily a correction, but I'm used to seeing this described as 'chewing his/her lip'.

Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.

This is kind of disconnected as it stands; at the very least, there should be a comma after 'though', although this is one of those spots where it might be better to use another word - or rephrase entirely. I'd suggest a sentence about all three dressing up in kimono, with an aside to say that Haruhi and Tsuruya dressed up Kanae themselves, since there's nothing here about what the other two are wearing.

things with his parents were working out reasonable well

Reasonably.

For Kanae's sake, if nothing else;

Sentence fragment. The section works as written, but could be fixed up with a wide-scale punctuation shuffle:

She couldn't let that make her feel even worse; she needed to pull herself up from this spiral -- for Kanae's sake, if nothing else. She was trying to make Kanae feel comfortable, safe, and happy.

Taking another breath and forcing herself to calm,

Technically correct as written, but looks a little odd. I'd expect 'calm down' or at least 'sound/look calm'.

another quartet of thugs bursting from the store-front she was passing

Don't need to hyphenate storefront.

To say nothing of the fact that Sasaki was certain that Kyouko's apology was genuine.

Sentence fragment. I'd say it could be em-dash spliced to the previous sentence except you already have an em-dash in it. Might replace that first one with a semicolon, though.

"It's Kowa-Keigo-Kyon!"

Your nickname, and I haven't gone back to check previous incarnations, but I would think this would be 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' (only one hyphen). Might be wrong though, ignore if so.

Heaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition and killed the engine, then dropped them on the floor.

Order of operations seems off here. Wouldn't he kill the engine, then take the keys out and drop them?

she wanted to be Kyon's friend not a burden.

Missing a comma after friend.

Either an associate of me, or....

s/me/mine/

Well, I will be skipping cram school for today

Possible timing issue here, at least to me. Cram schools can certainly run into the evening, but in this case there's been enough time for the Brigade meeting, Kyon helping Mikuru over to her apartment with the sewing machine, and getting to the restaurant to meet Tsuruya and Haruhi before the abduction takes place. Where was Sasaki during that time? If she's got a club meeting of some sort at her own school, sure, but there's still a fairly large gap between clubs breaking up and when Kyon gets to the restaurant (or it seems like there should be).

Bah. Probably making something out of nothing here. Feel free to ignore my ramblings.

There was the time running to the scene, which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location, then the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, more time to return her home, and then since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

Lots and lots of commas, kind of run-on. Suggestion for the breakup:

There was the time running to the scene -- which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location. Next was the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, and then more time to return her home. Then, since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

Mulling that over, he let himself be led to another car, and get driven home.

No comma needed before 'and', and I'd switch out 'get' for 'be'.

"Well -- Saturday's ... mostly free for me.

Another reference to Saturday, should be updated with the day shifting. Several of these throughout this scene, as a heads-up.

Eh?  Mikuru-chan what...

Missing a comma after Mikuru-chan here.

emergency clothes changing session

Clothes-changing session.

Still; treat it just like any other meetings, be polite, and let my fathers do most of the talking.

Odd punctuation here; perhaps:

Still, treat it just like any other meetings: be polite and let my fathers do most of the talking.

everyone on their best behavior with the kumichou of the Yamiguchi-gumi on site

You have this as Yamaguchi-gumi elsewhere, but I honestly am not certain which is correct. Yamaguchi seems to be winning by volume, though.

though he has that name I just told you

Little awkward here; maybe "though his real name is what I just told you"?

He's my son-in-law, and also her saiko-komon

He's not Kyon's father-in-law yet, just engaged to his daughter.

though looked like a match for almost any man in a fight

Bringing this up here as a generality, since I see this a lot and it almost always pings my radar as unclear. I see you use this construction without a pronoun (e.g. "though he looked like a match...") quite frequently, and while it's a valid way to phrase it, I rarely see it without it making me catch for a moment and look it over twice to make sure I didn't miss something.

Since it's stylistic, I'm just going to note it here; if you want I can go back and look for other occurrences, but otherwise I'll let this point drop when I see it in the future.

Also, repetition of 'looked' between this and the next sentence. Maybe 'appeared to be' for one of them?

but then, most of that's been for others

Vestigial comma.

For trouble ... Sumiyoshi-kai are acting agressive all over

Repetition of 'trouble' from a couple of paragraphs up. Also, 'aggressive'. I'd just drop the 'for trouble' from this line myself.

it doesn't escalate into some almost unheard of underboss single-handedly shutting down their organization in an entire city, and then buying their men out.

Almost-unheard-of. Also, the comma after city is vestigial.

because of the damage that Kyon-kun has caused

More a personal quibble than an error; it seems odd that the kumichou would immediately settle into using Kyon-kun. I'd be expecting just 'Kyon' here (-kun feels a little too informal, and using -san on a nickname is just kind of weird.)

I want the input of the legendary 'Kowai-Keigo' figure on these planned raids.

Kowa-Keigo.

An hour, maybe as many as three, passed while they discussed,

I'd offset 'maybe as many as three' with em-dashes rather than commas.

At the end, the Kumichou nodded, sweeping his heavily marked papers

No caps for kumichou, unless you add them everywhere else (which makes less sense, as it's a job title).

casualties on our side will compliment our superiority

Complement. Unless the reduction in casualties is going to tell their superiority "you're awesome!"

so go, and be well, both of you!

First comma here is unnecessary.

a kimono was fairly ajustable, wasn't it

Adjustable.

Tsuruya waved at the car as it drove out of sight, jumping in alarm when Haruhi's voice broke through her mood, grumbling, "So, you two got to have fun?"

Understand you're shooting for a cliffhanger here, but this seems to go both too far and not far enough. It's setting up that Haruhi's going to have a spat with Tsuruya over this, but by actually starting the conversation, it puts too much into it. Maybe just back it off to Tsuruya turning around, straightening out her kimono, and coming face-to-face with a very sour-looking Haruhi who doesn't say anything?

Breaking up the actual dialogue between chapters seems like a bit much to me, is all.

[Empyrean]

I'm pretty sure I haven't doubled up on anybody else's corrections.

Both both of you should finish and come back...

Doubled up on "both."

"Um ... let's say that it's suddenly come to my attention that Kyon-kun may be the ideal person to turn for advice in the matter of Kyouko,"

*ideal person to turn to

Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.

This sentence seems to be missing something.

"Kyon-kun may be busy reassuring Sasaki-san for a bit, but with any luck, once that's taken care of we can make up for lost time later,"

Did you mean "rescuing" instead of "reassuring" here?

"Wouldn't really make a difference," Kasai countered. "You don't have the kind of time you need to gain appreciable skill."

It seems weird that Kasai would say this. Even if she did have the time to train, she's still a teenage girl targeted by an organized crime syndicate. It would make more sense for him to just point out that a girl her size wouldn't stand a chance even if she had the time to learn to fight.

"I'm fine, but was a bit shaken; coming back home seemed like a good idea."

The phrasing here seems a little odd to me. "I'm fine, but I was a bit shaken;" or "I'm fine, but a bit shaken;" feels more natural.

Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location"

"Closed" should be "close" or "closest."

"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?

Ohoho, what have we here? :)

"I think I know her sizes," Kanae remarked, sitting up. "Nagato-san has taught me a lot about recognizing distances and measurements!"

"Alright, but Kyon can't hear that," Haruhi interjected before she could continue. "A girl's sizes are secret!"

Not to a dirty minded girl with supplemental training from Nagato, they're not. She has surpassed normal human limits to become Kanae: Big Damn Pervert.