[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 54

[Brian]

I am running short on witty openings lately, apologies. ._. Took me longer than I'd like to get to this too.

No worries.  I'm not writing as quickly as I once did.  (The perils of being employed. ;))

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transition to another quasi-reality didn't much shake him anymore,

This does scan a little awkwardly; I'd just change 'shake' to 'rattle' though, should be fine that way.

Alrighty.  As always, I'll save a bit of time by not replying to comments I use. >.>;

"Did it ... hurt?"

"Not as much as the first time," she groaned

You are a terrible person. =)

Yes.  Yes I am.  I was wondering if anyone would catch that one....  ;)

While she had hoped to try and patch things up

Grammatically, 'try and <do something else>' is almost never correct - it's almost certainly going to be 'to' rather than 'and'.

Sounds too repetitive that way ('to try to').  I'll just cut the 'try and' out.

if he'd resorted to _that_ without fail?

'without fail' seems a little odd here; maybe 'without hesitation' instead? I think she's mostly depressed since he jumped straight to that; 'without fail' seems to imply that he's had to do this repeatedly because of her - i.e., "every time I bungle things, Kyon has to put Haruhi in safe mode without fail".

Yeah, not sure why I went with that word choice.

but I think it's up to the two of us to try and help keep things fair....

I like that Haruhi's willing and able to recognize that Tsuruya's just as capable of being a good leader as she is - and that the others are going to look to her as well.

Co-opportunities, no co-opetition. :)

Haruhi leaned forward and kiss Tsuruya just as deeply as she'd kissed Kyon before.

Approval of the scene overall, but the one thing that bugs me a little is the lack of apparent surprise on Tsuruya's part. I don't see her being hesitant or unwilling, but not showing that feels a little off.

Also, I fail. Didn't see it until I was reviewing the post, but tense on 'kiss Tsuruya'.

Okay, that makes sense.  It is a big turnaround, so surprise is warranted.

Not that she minded being close to both Haruhi and Kyon....  She pursed her lips to form a question, but didn't manage to get it out; prompted by the action, Haruhi leaned forward and kissed Tsuruya just as deeply as she'd kissed Kyon before.

     That was _far_ less expected!  Haruhi didn't just forgive her, but _really_ accepted her?  At first, she was too surprised to do more than accept it, but before Haruhi could draw away, she remembered to return it--  And why not?  Even if things were centered around Kyon, there was no reason they couldn't get along _just_ as closely ... in the grand scheme of things, wasn't that okay, too?

     Aside from that, it wasn't like Haruhi was a bad kisser by any means, even if they'd both evidently practiced with just Kyon before.

     That seemed even _more_ than fine to the heiress!  Things really could work out between them after all!  As much as she was enjoying things, some part of her mind filed away Kyon's faintly awed mutter of, "At least I won't be going there alone...."

I saw it, but she's so small she's, er, lacking for confidence.

Kanae: *eyes Mikuru jealously*

:p

And, anyway, they were Haruhi's friends, right?

This didn't really hit me until I got to the end of the scene (and we were having a related discussion on IRC), but with this scene being Yanagimoto PoV, shouldn't this be Suzumiya throughout in the narration as well? She's definitely using it for Haruhi in dialogue, but I'm not sure which way this should be going in the narration.

Well....  I probably should, but this would be more big revisions to previous chapters, etc.  So I'll try and generally limit that a bit; Kanae's PoV is kind of special in that regard. >_>;

There's also the fact that Mikuru is 'Mikuru' in Kyon's PoV, even when she's still 'Asahina-san' in dialog, and so on.  Fixing all of these is the domain of an entire rewrite, so I'm going to have to play the Lazy Card and aknowledge that it's not correct, probably, but it is consistent.  If I do a full rewrite at some point, then I'll try and fix it.

Otherwise, yeah, it's wrong.  But consistently so.  :(

hadn't Taniguchi mentioned a few strange things happening during the filming of Haruhi's movie?

Not a bad direction to go, but ending the scene on this seems a little abrupt. Maybe include some kind of action she intends to take since she's remembered that tidbit (like grilling Taniguchi further)?

Easily done:

And, anyway, they were Haruhi's friends, right?  No matter what they discovered, they wouldn't tell anyone who wasn't one of her friends ... after the confidence she had extended to them, it was only fair.  Though, while she was thinking about things before they could meet at lunch, hadn't Taniguchi mentioned a few strange things happening during the filming of Haruhi's movie?  She'd have to press him for details at some point -- easily arranged during any of their dates or study sessions.

     There was a lead already!  This investigation might be off to a better start than the one on Kunikida's 'uncle'!

He didn't have the head to handle money laundering, but he was able to handle himself in a fight,

Repetition of "handle". Maybe "conduct" for the second?

First instance to 'manage'.

Think there's a 'school' missing after leaving. Kind of harps on the education thing, though, so I could see replacing 'education' with 'skillset' if you add school in.

Not positive, but I think skill-set is hyphenated?

this was the same boy as the picture

Repetition of 'boy' from a bit earlier in the paragraph; maybe 'student'?

'person'

not too far off the boy's typical route home.  Then he'd marched out into the path that 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon (he _was_ just a boy, right?) was walking and raised a hand, calling gruffly, "Boy!"

I understand a lot of this is here to play up how badly Taro is underestimating Kyon, but it does mean a lot of repetition.

Changed the one in the middle to 'high-school student'

"So, this is the 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon?"

This seems to be either an extra 'the' or a missing adjective (or set of italics).

'supposed'

faked a weak cough to try and get

'to try and' again.

Even if correct, 'to try to' sounds _awful_.  I'm going to put real money on people using 'to try and' because it sounds better (not that it's right).

Well, the solution is to reword in any case:

Taro himself faked a weak cough, trying to get the boy's attention.

And, was it her imagination

Don't need this comma.

Well, if I were being gramatically correct, I wouldn't start with 'and' either.  So if that stylism fails, I'll cut both.

Was it just her imagination, or was there more security than normal?

girl she had admired in middle school

Should be elementary (or grade) school, I think, since she and Kyon went to the same middle school (and not Haruhi's, obviously).

Elementary, yeah.

Sasaki: "Technically, my admiration could easily have persisted even if she didn't attend the same school, and logically from story content has!"
That's ... technically correct, yes.
Sasaki: "Technically correct is the best kind of correct!"
I'll ... be revising it to 'elementary' since it makes you sound less crazy.
Sasaki: "But I do like Haruhi!
Do you want this to turn into a Cobbfic?
Sasaki: "'Elementary school' would be more correct."

Right.  Actually 'grade', I think.  I used that earlier (but not in this chapter, I think).

That wonderful, wasn't it?

Missing something here, but I'll leave this one to you to sort out.

'was'

Then he'd evidently had enough of warming up.

Scans a little awkwardly; I'd suggest "That had evidently been enough to get him warmed up" or "Then he'd evidently had enough time to get warmed up".

Evidently at that point he'd finished warming up and stopped holding back.

or by the simple matter of flinging other assailants like projectile weapons

Straight-out suggestion here; works as is, but I'd suggest 'by the simple expedient of'.

A little too smart for this mook.  'Tactic'.

Well, she knew her self-appointed 'big sister'

Repeats almost the same phrase just a couple of sentences later; maybe use 'her chief in mascot services', since even in the Brigade she sort of reports to Mikuru?

Well, she knew  that the older girl liked to dress up for the boy they were all dating -- that was why Haruhi had made her the Chief of Mascot Services -- but that was fine by her!

Evidently there's a yattai up the street

Saw this get pointed out, had a look into it. The Japanese is ??(???), which would be romanized as 'yatai' in both major systems. (For comparison, 'yattai' would be ???? in Japanese.)

Grrr....  Well, several years of Ranma fanfic need to be revised now.

Also, this got past in IYD.

(And my dictionary has the wrong spelling saved.  Awesome.)

Haruhi fished her phone from her pocket and offered it out

'offered it out' seems a bit odd; maybe just 'offered it to her'?

'handed it over'

around Haruhi's wrist.  Sasaki's right hand, and Haruhi's left.

Second sentence here is a fragment, and if you're replacing 'link' a few words back, you could just bridge the two with that:

around Haruhi's wrist -- linking Sasaki's right hand with Haruhi's left.

did some other revisions in that area, too:

The 'salary-man' looked briefly surprised at how quickly she gave up her struggle, but shrugged, slapping the other bracelet of the handcuff around Haruhi's wrist.  Sasaki's right hand was secured to Haruhi's left.  It was tight enough she didn't see either of them getting out ... he'd checked _that_ much, anyway.

     So much for that idea ... well -- fine!  She'd figure out a way to escape once the two of them were left alone!

     "Anyway, this isn't your fault, Sasaki-chan," Haruhi grumbled.  "We'll get out of this somehow!"

     "You just keep telling yourself that," Hiko said absently, double-checking their cuffs and then nodding to himself, unfazed by the twin glares he got from Sasaki and Haruhi.  Haruhi was actually mildly taken aback -- she didn't know that Sasaki _could_ show such an expression!  Well, unfortunate as it was, they had more common ground than she'd thought....

Thanks for the catches, as always! @_@

[Squibidyflop]

I thought it might have been a distraction while they were preparing for something else, so we had a ... very brief exchange before heading out separate ways," he explained.

Our instead of out? Sorry if someone else caught that already.

[Brian]

Our instead of out? Sorry if someone else caught that already.

Nope, thanks for the catch. :)

[Phantom Kirin]

Um, sorry for not being around for a while, but I have something to note...

Spoiler: ShowHide

Though he'd had humble beginnings -- and a humble career so far, too -- Tanaka Taro was an ambitious man. He would overcome his woefully generic, bland name! His parents hadn't been impressed with his choices, but wished him the best and reminded him that he was in their prayers anyway.

Is the surname Tanaka intentional, by chance(Higurashi reference)? Because, if it is, I can easily see a whole forest of epileptic trees coming out of this. And if it isn't, oh well...

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That was fine by him; he could forge his own path, make his own fortune in the world! He would absolutely achieve greatness!

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When instructions came down the line for him to lead fourteen men -- his juniors -- in an assault on a prominent enemy, he did not hesitate for a moment. And why should he? The man who took down the legendary Kowa-Keigo Kyon would become even more legendary than the lucky high-school student!

The guy certainly sounds like he would want to change fate(his own, at the very least), and is willing to risk fighting against a seemingly powerful force(Kowa-Keigo Kyon) in order to do it.

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From where he'd landed against a crate, Tanaka Taro had a reasonable view of most of the warehouse. He'd thought that he'd be among the last to actually face off in combat against the boy -- if it were even required -- but Kyon had different ideas.

The Kowa-Keigo had rushed out of the closing circle of attackers faster than they could reach him and performed some stunt that seemed right out of a movie -- running up Taro's body while planting a kick on the man's chin and nailing a perfect flip-- He landed and went into a seamless spin, foot-sweeping the nearest three attackers and then rolling over their forms.

Then he'd evidently had enough of warming up.

The Kowa-Keigo's greatest statement to his martial superiority wasn't his violence, or his speed ... but his care. Sure, he could have broken bones, as it was said he once had. He could have probably killed, if he wanted to. But no one was left with anything worse than bruises as dislocations. A lot of dislocations; himself, Taro had gotten one arm and one hip dislocated.

The others probably hadn't fared any better.

But at the end, the Kowa-Keigo had come out completely unscratched, not even perturbed or impressed at knives, or the pair of handguns that had been drawn on him. He just disarmed his opponents with joint-locks or by the simple matter of flinging other assailants like projectile weapons -- that was one way to knock a gun out of someone's hands....

After that, once he'd had enough, he heaved a sigh, commenting, "I'm not really a violent person by nature.... But since this was so meaningless, I'm not even going to bother turning you in. Just go back home." Then he walked away, lifting the heavy door and stepping out into the streets without even having broken a sweat.

Oh, Tanaka Taro absolutely intended to return. The boy hadn't taken anyone's cell phones, so a team was on the way to drag the injured men to a Sumiyoshi-rengo doctor. Sure, it would be half an hour before anyone arrived, and probably two to three hours before they got treated properly, suffering whatever additional aggravation came from being stuffed into cars that barely had room for them all.

After that, Taro himself was going to be confined to a bed or a desk, not in any fighting condition for the time being.

Well, he knew exactly how to take advantage of that! Following his failure, and during the time he'd need for rehabilitation, he would start by taking night classes for adults. Cram school wasn't limited to high-school children, after all! After that, he'd simply let the power of his awesome, generic name let him fade from the memory of the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

He had a cousin who worked on the docks, loading freight. He'd gotten up to management thanks to his high-school diploma, hadn't he? Now that sounded like a plan! And, hey, since some of the men with him were in similar situations, what was wrong with applying for a job with a crew of men who were willing and capable of a simple little thing like manual labor?

Well ... once rehabilitation was complete, anyway.

But then, Tanaka Taro had only begun to plot.

He was nothing, if not an ambitious man. From dockworker to management ... he would follow this path and truly achieve greatness in the shipping industry!

And, that plot thread was snuffed out just as quickly... Guess that he was just a nod to Tanaka Miyo and nothing more, hm?

Well, if anything, it teaches me to not to type before I finish reading...

Still, my question is a valid one. Is the Tanako surname intentional?

Also, about something that I noted here...

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"I can't complain," Sasaki agreed. The two fell into step, taking a slow, meandering route toward the corner where Yanagimoto mentioned seeing the ramen cart that the 'uncle' frequented. "Hmm.... Would it be ... troublesome to ask how Kyon is doing?"

"Er, he's ... meeting some people tonight," Haruhi said, shifting her shoulders uncomfortably. "From ... far away." She shook her head quickly. "Sorry ... I can't really say more than that."

"I understand, unfortunately," Sasaki allowed, flashing a wry smile. "I shouldn't really press ... but he's ... safe?"

"In the best hands I can imagine for what he's doing," Haruhi allowed, frowning. This was more frustrating than she had thought! Not being able to explain what was really going wrong, because of Sasaki's fearsome but uncontrolled power....

At least it was only an annoyance like this, not a liability. Well ... this called for a change of subject, and their 'investigation' should provide just that!

Is it just me, or is Haruhi experiencing what everyone else had been experiencing before with Haruhi herself? Because that would be quite the irony there, kitsu.

Lastly, I found a name that came up in the character sheet for Higurashi...

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Namely, Akane Sonozaki.

I presume that it was unintentional? Or, is it intended...

Oh Crap!

[Brian]

Um, sorry for not being around for a while, but I have something to note...

[...]

Is the surname Tanaka intentional, by chance(Higurashi reference)? Because, if it is, I can easily see a whole forest of epileptic trees coming out of this. And if it isn't, oh well...[/quote]

You've confused the very common family name of 'Tanaka' with 'Takano'.  The character's name/status is a joke about how generic his name is (both family and given).

Is it just me, or is Haruhi experiencing what everyone else had been experiencing before with Haruhi herself? Because that would be quite the irony there, kitsu.

That's pretty much what I've been going for all alone, so....  >_>;

Lastly, I found a name that came up in the character sheet for Higurashi...

[...]

I presume that it was unintentional? Or, is it intended...

Intended.