[Haruhi] Melancholy of Sasaki

[Gotonis]

Following from my previous thread, I'm going forward with a better idea, namely switching Haruhi and Sasaki around and letting a story flow from there.


Anyway, attached is a prologue for your reading pleasure.


Now, a couple things about how I want to do this story.

Spoiler: ShowHide

 Now, you may notice I left Haruhi's name out. For the first book/arc/segment, along with mirroring Melancholy, I wanted to try to avoid referencing her as much as I could, leaving in at most a few cryptic references to a friend from junior high (which I'm considering replacing with middle school, which feels a bit more natural, but at the same time defies verisimilitude). However, I'm also thinking I'm going to need to mention a friend, though not necessarily by name, who convinced Kyon to do certain things, including but not limited to introducing himself as Haruhi did in canon. I may also do this to push him into forming a club, but I'm not sure if I want to do that or have him just join the Literature club.

Actually, that's a rather important distinction. I can't have Kyon stealing Nagato's clubroom, as that's unacceptably OoC. He's still Kyon, after all, he just believes in the paranormal and is loyal to Haruhi from the start (of what we see). On the other hand, it may be a bit easier to have him convince Sasaki to join his club for the sake of the two trying to convince each other of the other side of their friendly argument about aliens, rather than him following her into the Literature club. Either way, Haruhi is going to bring either Koizumi or Mikuru down from Kouyouen to override the leadership of the group as she did in the manga The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki, probably attending despite a difference in schools. This would probably be easier to pull off if Kyon is club leader, considering he's still her subordinate, and considering she's going to be somewhere closer to post-development Haruhi, as Kyon has influenced her. There are problems either way, but not ones that can't be patched. Anyone have any ideas?

Any advice/suggestions/grammatical corrections/stylistic corrections/other helpful input that anyone would like to give is greatly appreciated.

[Muphrid]

At first, I thought this might've been a little too enthusiastic on Kyon's part, but it is pretty similar in tone to his opening narration, so I think this captures him well.  Bear in mind that Kyon met Sasaki in third year of middle school, but at the same time, Haruhi is the kind of person who probably would've made herself known well before then, so I don't think it's entirely unjustified to have it described the way it is.

   When did I stop believing in Santa Claus? I can honestly say I never believed in that fantasy in the first place, though at times I wish I had. It would have been nice to believe that the presents under the tree appeared there from a man in a red suit who flies around on a magical sleigh pulled by magical reindeer, and who can somehow visit every house in the world in one night. However, I knew that the Santa at my preschool Christmas party was just a teacher in disguise, just as each of my classmates also seemed to guess. I couldn't understand why a man with the power to fly incredibly fast with an endless supply of presents would use his power to reward children he didn't know for behaving well.

Consider avoiding this repetition if you can.


I think this looks fairly promising.  I would think carefully about structure, though.  I would be wary of falling into the trap of writing out scenes without considering their interconnections, but that's really more of a preemptive piece of advice for chapter one.  Good luck!

[Gotonis]

At first, I thought this might've been a little too enthusiastic on Kyon's part, but it is pretty similar in tone to his opening narration, so I think this captures him well

Yeah, I actually had the opening narration open while I was typing this. Also, I was planning on making Kyon a bit more enthusiastic outlook here, considering Haruhi's influence at an earlier time for a long interval.

Bear in mind that Kyon met Sasaki in third year of middle school, but at the same time, Haruhi is the kind of person who probably would've made herself known well before then, so I don't think it's entirely unjustified to have it described the way it is.

That, and the situation wasn't completely inverted.

Consider avoiding this repetition if you can.

Actually, for that specific instance I did that intentionally; I was going for a slightly derisive tone, using repetition for emphasis. If anyone else thinks it doesn't work well I'll change it, but for now I'm thinking it would be better to just italicize the 'magical's.

I think this looks fairly promising.  I would think carefully about structure, though.  I would be wary of falling into the trap of writing out scenes without considering their interconnections, but that's really more of a preemptive piece of advice for chapter one.  Good luck!

Thanks! I'll take that last tip into consideration while outlining; I had planned to center the 'why's around what characters are going to do and let the story flow from there, but now I'm thinking I also need to consider the future so it can be well-grounded in the past.




By the way, there is one thing I still don't like about this. The last sentence feels a bit stunted by Sasaki's lack of a full name, as does the title to a degree (and pretty much any place where 'Sasaki' is substituted for 'Haruhi Suzumiya'). Has anyone seen any viable first names for her on their travels through the Haruhiverse? It's not necessary, but I feel it would flow a bit better.

[Muphrid]

Yeah, the bit about the repetition is fine then as a deliberate bit.

I was thinking about the last line, too, and for lack of a complete name, I think you could end it with, say, "Her name was Sasaki," but that's probably been done before.