[Naruto] Motivation chapter eight

[Brian]

I'm feeling more confident about sharing my writing and trying to participate in this forum again, though may need a bit more time to get back into the swing of posting Haruhi fiction.

I don't have a lot of confidence in this, especially following ... certain events, but here is the next chapter of pointless ninja education.

I am at this point trying to be especially mindful of any conventions of spelling consistency I have failed on thus far; if anyone notes errors in this or other chapters, I will attempt to fix them all.  Thank you in advance for your help!

[alethiophile]

:D:D:D

Notes:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Mmm," Asuma noised noncommittally, making a motion that may have been a slight nod, but was probably not, a slight nod.

Something is amiss here.

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered out of the restaurant as though Senzo owed him personal favors. Which could actually be possible, Ino supposed.

Not entirely sure what this is trying to say.

Once he was gone, Kiba barked the obvious: "That was different."

Seems a little odd--I guess it's meant as a joke on Kiba's dog theme, but since "barked" is actually a word for a human style of exclamation which doesn't seem to apply here....

And as the sannin, bemoaning that he was not his student's equal surrendered, he passed on some of what he knew of seals to his own sensei -- Sarutobi.

Is there a comma missing before 'surrendered'?

So this chapter makes me grin so much I think I'm in some nontrivial danger of rupturing my face. Most wonderful it is, indeed.

[eternaleye]

Oh YES.

Notes:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Naruto's day started off with an interesting bridge that neatly overlapped his dreams, waking him as the bunshin he'd left awake all night studying dispersed, releasing its memories to him.

Oh sweet Log do I love this segment. The quoted sentence wasn't quite clear though - it took me a few tries before I parsed it right. Perhaps "Naruto's day started off with an interesting bridge, when the bunshin he'd left awake all night dispersed and overlaid its memories on his dreams."

"Answer unclear," Shikamaru drawled, "ask again later."

I love the snark. If Shika does any more Magic 8-ball Impressions, he may need to use "Future clouded, ask again later."

But he didn't seem familiar, somehow.

This parses oddly - my immediate gut-check wanted to negate this, but looking at context it seems she's put off by someone she doesn't think she knows acting like he knows her. Maybe "But despite his attitude, he didn't seem familiar at all."

The events in the Hokage's office

Holy shit

...Naruto would make an embarrassing pratfall out of himself a few times...

As far as I understand, one can make a prat out of oneself, but one takes or has pratfalls. Sort of like you "take a spill" or "have a collision."

His stomach lurched, and he frowned, turning his gaze away from the ninja he had worked with so often behind his own mask, and at the missive from the Hokage he held.

Canonically, doesn't Uzuki Yugao wear the Cat mask? On the other hand, you used 'he' in chapter six.
Also "...had worked with so often behind his own mask..." reads as if Kakashi used to be Cat, as opposed to the canonical Dog. Maybe "from behind his own mask", to establish that it's about him behind his mask, staring at a (masked) ninja he used to work with?

[Ristridin]

:D

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Since I don't know who it is, I have to say your other teacher sounds like quite a motivator!"

This sentence sounds a bit strange. It might be that the word 'since' doesn't really link the two parts of the sentence in a logical way. Also, Kakashi made the same remark to the same people in chapter 3.

In high spirits, he finished his morning routine, pausing to admire his outfit before dressing. He had thought it was getting a bit shabby, but when he looked it over, it seemed in much better condition than he recalled. The knee reinforcements.... Hmm. When had he gotten those? He couldn't remember, but when he looked closely, there were no signs of hasty repairs. Other than a fine sheen of ... spider silk?

Nice touch. Looks like Naruto is a bit more attentive than Shino anticipated.

"Of course, you're far behind quota, at this point ... it will be difficult to catch up,"

The comma behind quota seems a bit weird. Are we supposed to read it as something like  '"Of course, you're far behind quota. At this point it will be difficult to catch up,"' or as '"Of course, you're far behind quota at this point. It will be difficult to catch up,"'? In the latter case, the comma probably shouldn't be there.

As for spelling conventions, I think D rank is usually spelled as D-rank (according to the naruto wiki, that is).

[Dracos]

FOR THE VILLAGE

Spoiler: ShowHide

will do text feedback later.  Just following the trend.

[Brian]

Alethiophile:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Mmm," Asuma noised noncommittally, making a motion that may have been a slight nod, but was probably not, a slight nod.

Something is amiss here.

This one's stylistic.  I think I saw it first used by Susan Doemine, a long ... long time ago.  If anyone else trips over it or thinks it doesn't look right, I'll switch it for something less intricate.  Or maybe just dropping the last comma would help?

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered out of the restaurant as though Senzo owed him personal favors. Which could actually be possible, Ino supposed.

Not entirely sure what this is trying to say.

Nothing serious.  It's mostly a throw-away line, but how about:

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered out of the restaurant as though the proprieter was in his debt.  Which could actually be possible, Ino supposed.

Once he was gone, Kiba barked the obvious: "That was different."

Seems a little odd--I guess it's meant as a joke on Kiba's dog theme, but since "barked" is actually a word for a human style of exclamation which doesn't seem to apply here....

I'll make it an exclamation.  Kiba always barks, whines, snarls, growls, or etc.  I ... have no idea why I thought that would be clever, but I'm sticking to it.

Rather doggedly, for some reason. >.>;

And as the sannin, bemoaning that he was not his student's equal surrendered, he passed on some of what he knew of seals to his own sensei -- Sarutobi.

Is there a comma missing before 'surrendered'?

Was pretty clunkly.  Revised:

And the sannin finally bemoaned the fact that he was not his student's equal and gave up on trying to completely unravel the mystery.  Only after that did he pass on some of what _he_ knew of seals to his own sensei -- Sarutobi.

So this chapter makes me grin so much I think I'm in some nontrivial danger of rupturing my face. Most wonderful it is, indeed.

Hooray!  Thanks for the feedback! :)

[alethiophile]

"Mmm," Asuma noised noncommittally, making a motion that may have been a slight nod, but was probably not, a slight nod.

Something is amiss here.

This one's stylistic.  I think I saw it first used by Susan Doemine, a long ... long time ago.  If anyone else trips over it or thinks it doesn't look right, I'll switch it for something less intricate.  Or maybe just dropping the last comma would help?

Without the last comma it works better.

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered out of the restaurant as though Senzo owed him personal favors. Which could actually be possible, Ino supposed.

Not entirely sure what this is trying to say.

Nothing serious.  It's mostly a throw-away line, but how about:

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered out of the restaurant as though the proprieter was in his debt.  Which could actually be possible, Ino supposed.

I'm guessing that the implication is that he's walking out without paying for food he's eaten? Somehow I didn't manage to get this.

[Brian]

I'm guessing that the implication is that he's walking out without paying for food he's eaten? Somehow I didn't manage to get this.

No, just meant to convey that the genin think he's a jerk.  I cut the line.

[Empyrean]

First off, I love that there is more of this story. :)

Spoiler: ShowHide

placing fingertips gently on either of the Hokage's temple.

s/temple/temples

Whoever was behind they, they were powerful.

s/they/that

countering their own weaknesses, as well as trying to compliment their strengths!

s/compliment/complement

Naruto would make an embarrassing pratfall out of himself a few times

The "out of himself" bit seems weird here, since 'pratfall' is an action, rather than an object.

I'll make it an exclamation.  Kiba always barks, whines, snarls, growls, or etc.  I ... have no idea why I thought that would be clever, but I'm sticking to it.

The barking is kind of distracting. The whining and growling is fine, though. It's clever to have him do this stuff more often than other characters, but I think it's being used to excess and the narration is calling the reader's attention to the narration itself, rather than the events being narrated.

[Brian]

I suck.  @_@

Sorry about the delay in replying.  Work has been ... a thing this week.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Naruto's day started off with an interesting bridge that neatly overlapped his dreams, waking him as the bunshin he'd left awake all night studying dispersed, releasing its memories to him.

Oh sweet Log do I love this segment. The quoted sentence wasn't quite clear though - it took me a few tries before I parsed it right. Perhaps "Naruto's day started off with an interesting bridge, when the bunshin he'd left awake all night dispersed and overlaid its memories on his dreams."

Reworked it for clarify a bit.  My usual go-to in these situations is to just make it two (or more) sentences instead of one overly complex one:

Naruto's day started off with an odd start, as the bunshin he'd left awake all night studying dispersed.  Its memories released to him and almost blurred into his half-remembered dreams, but it was a pleasant cushion from _that_ unwelcome topic in any case.

"Answer unclear," Shikamaru drawled, "ask again later."

I love the snark. If Shika does any more Magic 8-ball Impressions, he may need to use "Future clouded, ask again later."

I don't want to wear the joke out (as I seem to be doing with Kiba in general), but I'll see what I can do. :p

But he didn't seem familiar, somehow.

This parses oddly - my immediate gut-check wanted to negate this, but looking at context it seems she's put off by someone she doesn't think she knows acting like he knows her. Maybe "But despite his attitude, he didn't seem familiar at all."

Will rework that a bit:

But he didn't seem like anyone she knew, despite his uncomfortable nearness to her.

The events in the Hokage's office

Holy shit

Glad that worked. ^_^;;

...Naruto would make an embarrassing pratfall out of himself a few times...

As far as I understand, one can make a prat out of oneself, but one takes or has pratfalls. Sort of like you "take a spill" or "have a collision."

How about:

After learning how to tree-walk, walking on water wasn't -- surprisingly -- that much harder after all, though Shikamaru felt somehow certain Naruto would make some embarrassing mistake a few times before he got it right.

His stomach lurched, and he frowned, turning his gaze away from the ninja he had worked with so often behind his own mask, and at the missive from the Hokage he held.

Canonically, doesn't Uzuki Yugao wear the Cat mask? On the other hand, you used 'he' in chapter six.
Also "...had worked with so often behind his own mask..." reads as if Kakashi used to be Cat, as opposed to the canonical Dog. Maybe "from behind his own mask", to establish that it's about him behind his mask, staring at a (masked) ninja he used to work with?[/quote]

Yeah, I also realized there was potentially some absurdity with having Ranma work with someone in a cat mask (never mind ANBU masks not looking much like what they're supposed to be).  All instaces of 'Cat' from 1-8 should be replaced with 'Bear' now.  And Kakashi was Dog -- Tenzo was/is Bear, and Ranma was Horse.  That suggests a further need for clarification on my part. >_>;

His stomach lurched, and he frowned, turning his gaze away from the ninja he had worked with so often during his own time in ANBU.  It wasn't his mask that drew Kakashi's attention, but the missive from the Hokage he held out in one hand, the unmistakable seal facing Kakashi directly.

Thank you very much for the feedback.  Sorry about the delay! @_@

[Brian]

Okay, working through the backlog!

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Since I don't know who it is, I have to say your other teacher sounds like quite a motivator!"

This sentence sounds a bit strange. It might be that the word 'since' doesn't really link the two parts of the sentence in a logical way. Also, Kakashi made the same remark to the same people in chapter 3.

Yeah, I didn't ... realize I'd already used that joke. >_<

Here's the new take:

Once again appearing in a swirl of leaves and chakra smoke without the decency to foreshadow his presence, Kakashi wondered, "You're still visiting another teacher behind my back?  You wound me, my cute little students!"

     "Yes, I'm totally talking about some other teacher," Shikamaru drawled, looking pointedly away.

     "Well, I'll have to bring training up a notch to compete with this stranger!" Kakashi mused, sounding disturbingly pleased at the prospect.  "This unknown teacher will be my rival in motivating you, then!"  He shrugged and crinkled his visible eye in a smile as he regarded Hinata.  "But that's fine -- it appears that you, Sakura-chan, and Ino-chan will be working with me tomorrow!  Won't that be fun?"

"Of course, you're far behind quota, at this point ... it will be difficult to catch up,"

The comma behind quota seems a bit weird. Are we supposed to read it as something like  '"Of course, you're far behind quota. At this point it will be difficult to catch up,"' or as '"Of course, you're far behind quota at this point. It will be difficult to catch up,"'? In the latter case, the comma probably shouldn't be there.

Went with the former.

As for spelling conventions, I think D rank is usually spelled as D-rank (according to the naruto wiki, that is).

Alright.  I ... probably have it wrong, then.  But I'm consistent about it, so hopefully that will do. >_>;;

Thank you very much for the feedback, and sorry for the delay, also! @_@

[Brian]

First off, I love that there is more of this story. :)

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the positive reaction. O_O;;

It's scary!  Now I have to try and live up to expectations! XD

Spoiler: ShowHide

I'll make it an exclamation.  Kiba always barks, whines, snarls, growls, or etc.  I ... have no idea why I thought that would be clever, but I'm sticking to it.

The barking is kind of distracting. The whining and growling is fine, though. It's clever to have him do this stuff more often than other characters, but I think it's being used to excess and the narration is calling the reader's attention to the narration itself, rather than the events being narrated.

I used all of your spelling corrections.

Yeah, I'll stop overdoing it with Kiba, then.  :x

Thanks for the feedback and again, sorry about the delay in replying.  Used your corrections for previous chapters via PM as well.

I'll have the polished/revised 1-8 posted tomorrow, with any luck, and, "Within the fullness of time," without it!

[VySaika]

...more motivation? I approve! I'll wait for the polished/revised one, dont' want to give any feedback on an out of date version and all.

[alethiophile]

Strange though it may seem to reply with C&C to a revision itself:

Naruto's day started off with an odd start, as the bunshin he'd left awake all night studying dispersed.  Its memories released to him and almost blurred into his half-remembered dreams, but it was a pleasant cushion from _that_ unwelcome topic in any case.

Repetition of 'start' in the first sentence. Sounds a bit clumsy to me.

[Brian]

It is.  Reworked it:

Naruto's day began with an odd start, as the bunshin he'd left awake all night studying dispersed.

Also modified a repeated instance of start in the next paragraph.