[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 59

[Brian]

This has been finished for a few weeks, but I'm in a good mood and realized I need to stop sulking. >_<

So, apologies for the delay!

v1: 27 downloads
Edit: v2

[Bezzerker]

Hello Brian, I recently joined this forum due to your fanfiction. I am extremely impressed with this story, especially when you thrown in as much time travel as this story requires.

I noticed a single typo in Chapter 59.

"a hall on one side of the impressive house, Tsuruya and Haruhi sharing a side and facing their hose."

Should be host.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this chapter.

Thank you for crafting and sharing this masterpiece with us.

Very Respectfully,
Bezzerker

[Brian]

Thanks for the fix!  I've corrected it in my copy, but will hold off on posting an updated version for the moment. :)

[alethiophile]

This thing is wonderful.

Wasn't really reading for C&C; will possibly do that in a bit.

[Grahf]

C&C Time:

that it wiped our their reserves

our/out


Actually, in terms of spelling errors, that all I found that wasn't mentioned prior.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The revelations regarding Akane's past really do go a long way to explaining why she is how she is. Not saying that she should remain that way, but it's pretty strong justification for how she got to that point. Also, I wonder if Kyon thinks he's to blame regarding Ryo. I doubt Rena thinks that, but still, Hanyuu has a good point, and a good reason to curse like a longshoreman. Sort of a sedate chapter, much like the last, but there's still a lot to process and being sedate definitely doesn't mean it's dull. Fine work as usual. Also, glad to have you posting back here.

[Brian]

Fixed.  Also some instances of repetition, etc. :x

Thanks for the feedback, Grahf. :D

Sorry about sulking and running off....  >_<

[Specular]

Late arriving C&C. Funnily enough, I have no typos to report after v2

Spoiler: ShowHide

All of them were cheerful, with the occasional exception of Matsuri, who eyed all the girls suspiciously from time to time.

Well, she'd liked Kyouko, but Haruhi was pretty sure it was just her crush on Kyon coming into play – not that she could fault the little girl that much.

Good eyes, that Matsuri. A lot of new faces and she still spot who is a "rival" and who isn't. xD

"If you ask Rika-chan really nicely ... maybe she'll show you the ancient ritual shed full of torture equipment!"

(...)

"And anyway, I keep the stuff that still works in the cave in my back yard that the police don't know about. On that note ... there will be no sneaking between rooms at night, youngsters!"

I think it was too frank of Mion to speak about these two bits of information. I get she could want to "motivate" a bunch of teenagers into behaving if they are sleeping under her roof, but it seems strange to me just blurt it out like that.

"I'd let it pass for a day or two," Satoko allowed with a wry grin. "Her color-blind mother isn't as good at baking, is she?"

Just a minor detail. IINM, color blindness is extraordinarily rare in women. If Sasaki knew about this piece of triva, she probably would remark about it or maybe just raise an eyebrow (she could come across as impolite after all).

"I'm not a sack of meat," Keiichi said with an exaggerated pout, picking up his slumbering son.

I think I'm missing something (most likely not). Why did Keiichi relate a "sack of meat" of all thing to something to be lent around? Is it an idiom or some kind of reference? Then again, he probably is simply complaining about not getting a say on the matter.

"Nii-san can fight any Dark General minions for you, too," Kyon's sister contributed sleepily, before muffling a yawn.

"He already did that, Nono-chan," Rika assured the girl, smiling.

"They're not likely to be a problem for the rest of your trip here," Mion agreed with a chuckle.

"I did?" Kyon asked, a bit surprised. "I don't remember this!"

Kyon should know better than act surprised at something that he supposedly did and he doesn't remember about. His future self tends to put him in that kind of situation a lot, after all. I think it would be better if he tries to hide his surprise to avoid revealing that he doesn't have a clue about the matter, perhaps while attempting dig up further details to see whether it involves time travel or not.

"Ah," Koizumi chuckled, shaking his head. "Then I will know where you vanish to if you disappear abruptly."

"Yep," Kyon agreed, nodding.

It seems Kyon missed the joke. xD

Grinning mischievously on her own, Tsuruya explained, "Somethings for Kyon-kun!"

Haruhi's eyebrows shot up as Tsuruya's waggled, and she whispered, "Massage!"

Best Fiancée Ever.

Jokes aside, I wonder if such training could be used offensively, like learning a martial art style that benefits of detailed comprehension of the human body and its kyūsho (pressure-points) like Aikido. Or during interrogations.

Rena's eyes seemed to spark, but she smiled anyway. "Well, I suppose you could, couldn't you?" she answered with a laugh. "Alright – I've heard very good things about your skill in the kitchen; I can't wait to see if I can learn a few new tricks!"

IINM, Rena cooked last night's dinner together with Mikuru, so the wording "I've heard very good things about your skill in the kitchen" sounds weird. How about "after last night I'm looking forward what you'd do for breakfast" instead?

Mikuru peeked in from the kitchen, asking, "What– Oh, that's lovely! We must get a picture for Kyo– Um, Haruhi-chan!"

"W...what?" Sasaki asked, blushing. She thought she normally dressed fairly well, but wasn't much to look at. She didn't feel she could compete with Okamoto, anyway – and certainly not with ... well ... someone like Mikuru! "I...it must be the outfit itself," she said, shaking her head. And why did Mikuru think that Kyouko would want a picture of Sasaki in that outfit anyway?

It's just my opinion but I think it would be funnier if Sasaki actually realizes that Mikuru is talking about getting her picture for Kyon, daydream for a little bit and then convinces herself that she's surely misunderstanding Mikuru's words.

The only person in the picture frames was Kyon's uncle Keiichi, and unless she was mistaken, he was married to Rika.

How about "The only man who could be Rena-san's husband in the picture frames (...)" or "The only man old enough to be Yurie's father in the picture frames (...)" instead? The word "person" makes it look like Rena only has pictures of Keiichi.

"It's quite a stories," Tsuruya agreed solemnly. "But – I can see your influence in Kyon's behavior! You helped make him a good and gentle souls as a child, I think!"

I'm not sure if Tsuruya's verbal tic is appropriated here.

"That ... totally explains Kyon's type," Haruhi explained without thinking.

Nice mood whiplash. Well played, IMO.

*Kyouko and Koizumi's scene*

CUTE!

It's just me or their hookup is the first one in the story that is played more or less as a normal one? (I'm a little leery to classify Kasai and Mori as such, after all one of them is a member of a notoriously questionable organization and the other one is a yakuza yojimbo)




Good chapter. The change of pace in comparison with the previous ones underlines nicely the idea that the characters are trying to take a break from their eventful lives.


I'm not too sure of what to think about Rena's reaction. Her "bipolarity" was properly foreshadowed but I'm failing to see where this plot thread is going, so I can't offer much about that at the moment.


I must confess this chapters confirms several suspicions I had about Kyon's parents, most of them because of the time frame. Even with that, it's still surprising to see how every piece fits in the bigger picture. Good job.
Just a question: Irie Kyōsuke?


I can't believe I'm saying this but I think the chapter could use a cliffhanger, preferably one about Miyuki.

Thanks again for your work.

[KitsuneHerikawa]

I, too, have been enjoying this story from a cloud of anonymity, and am stepping out to say thank you for the effort put into this work. Besides, I guess I should participate once in a while.

Most items I saw this chapter have been identified, however it appears the cousins leave twice that first night. The first is in the first scene with the "kitchen crew." But in the second scene, the "kitchen crew" joins the cousins and pair off for games. After the cousins get drowsy, they leave. Perhaps I'm reading wrong, but that is how it clicked in my brain.

Other than that, I didn;t seen anything amiss.

[Brian]

More C&C!

Late arriving C&C. Funnily enough, I have no typos to report after v2

It's not late.  It arrived exactly when it meant to!

Spoiler: ShowHide

"If you ask Rika-chan really nicely ... maybe she'll show you the ancient ritual shed full of torture equipment!"

(...)

"And anyway, I keep the stuff that still works in the cave in my back yard that the police don't know about. On that note ... there will be no sneaking between rooms at night, youngsters!"

I think it was too frank of Mion to speak about these two bits of information. I get she could want to "motivate" a bunch of teenagers into behaving if they are sleeping under her roof, but it seems strange to me just blurt it out like that.

She's aiming for more of a Cassandra Truth -- expecting no one to believe her.  I can see it being over-the-top, though.

Mion: "Of course I'm joking!
Kyouko: "Whew!"
Mion: "The police totally know about it."

Er....

Yeah, I'll drop the bit about the cave, but I think the shed can stand, especially if I leave in Mion's later mitigating remark ("I'm sure it doesn't work anymore").

"I'd let it pass for a day or two," Satoko allowed with a wry grin. "Her color-blind mother isn't as good at baking, is she?"

Just a minor detail. IINM, color blindness is extraordinarily rare in women. If Sasaki knew about this piece of triva, she probably would remark about it or maybe just raise an eyebrow (she could come across as impolite after all).

Yeah, commenting about it would probably be a bit much.  On the other hand, raising an eyebrow could cause readers to think there's more going on there than I intended.  I'll think about that one a bit.

I think I'm missing something (most likely not). Why did Keiichi relate a "sack of meat" of all thing to something to be lent around? Is it an idiom or some kind of reference? Then again, he probably is simply complaining about not getting a say on the matter.

Kind of -- 'piece of meat' is a kind of euphemism for objectifying people.  It was meant to play up Kyon's obliviousness to that aspect.  I switched it to 'tool to be lent around' instead.

Kyon should know better than act surprised at something that he supposedly did and he doesn't remember about. His future self tends to put him in that kind of situation a lot, after all. I think it would be better if he tries to hide his surprise to avoid revealing that he doesn't have a clue about the matter, perhaps while attempting dig up further details to see whether it involves time travel or not.

I hadn't considered it from that angle -- assuming time travel, I mean.  I suppose that could make sense, but it might end up being a tangent that doesn't add much to the chapter.  I'll see what I can do -- but if it's an issue, I'll probably just have Kyon look surprised and say something like, "What, _those_ guys?"

Jokes aside, I wonder if such training could be used offensively, like learning a martial art style that benefits of detailed comprehension of the human body and its kyusho (pressure-points) like Aikido. Or during interrogations.

Shiatsu?  Comes up a lot in Ranmafics.  Possibly, but Tsuruya's going the 'excuses to feel Kyon up' angle, primarily.

Haruhi: "Just Kyon?"
Tsuruya: "The best way to learn is to experience it, Haru-nyan. >:3"
Haruhi:  O_O;

IINM, Rena cooked last night's dinner together with Mikuru, so the wording "I've heard very good things about your skill in the kitchen" sounds weird. How about "after last night I'm looking forward what you'd do for breakfast" instead?

Yeah, I'll fix that, then.

It's just my opinion but I think it would be funnier if Sasaki actually realizes that Mikuru is talking about getting her picture for Kyon, daydream for a little bit and then convinces herself that she's surely misunderstanding Mikuru's words.

Hmm, Sasaki in an imagine spot.

Rena: "I'm keeping this one."  Possibly workable.

How about "The only man who could be Rena-san's husband in the picture frames (...)" or "The only man old enough to be Yurie's father in the picture frames (...)" instead? The word "person" makes it look like Rena only has pictures of Keiichi.

From Sasaki-PoV, the more analytical 'male' should work.

I'm not sure if Tsuruya's verbal tic is appropriated here.

Easily fixed!

Nice mood whiplash. Well played, IMO.

I was worried it might be in poor taste! >_>;;

It's just me or their hookup is the first one in the story that is played more or less as a normal one? (I'm a little leery to classify Kasai and Mori as such, after all one of them is a member of a notoriously questionable organization and the other one is a yakuza yojimbo)

Well, as normal as a rescue romance between two previously adversarial psychics can be, sure. <_<

I must confess this chapters confirms several suspicions I had about Kyon's parents, most of them because of the time frame. Even with that, it's still surprising to see how every piece fits in the bigger picture. Good job.

Managing the story about Kyon's parents is skirting the edge of potential squick. :x

Glad that seemed to have worked!

Just a question: Irie Kyosuke?

The very same!

I can't believe I'm saying this but I think the chapter could use a cliffhanger, preferably one about Miyuki.

Hmm.  That's very easy to add, but I'll already be making a long chapter longer if I put in the other things you suggested might help.  I'll just have to burn that bridge when I get to it!

Thanks again for your work.

And thank you for the feedback!

[Brian]

Most items I saw this chapter have been identified, however it appears the cousins leave twice that first night. The first is in the first scene with the "kitchen crew." But in the second scene, the "kitchen crew" joins the cousins and pair off for games. After the cousins get drowsy, they leave. Perhaps I'm reading wrong, but that is how it clicked in my brain.

Oops!  I totally missed that.  I cleared out the first instance, since it's covered in more (and better) detail later.

Thank you for the catch!

[Onyxlamb]

When referring to small talk, "Most of it revolved around the series of books that Rena had read." 'Read' should probably be 'written' here I think.

[Brian]

Aha, fixed. @_@

Thanks for catching that. :D

[Bezzerker]

I have a couple more C&C's for my second read-through.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Sasaki giggled at that. Haruhi wondered how serious Mion was and decided that she'd probably rely on Yuki or Kanae's help to avoid using the hallway if they decided to go that route. Best let Tsuruya in on that, too, in hindsight.

The part underlined seems a little off to me, as 'hindsight' is used more for thinking about something after the fact. I think either 'in retrospect', or 'on second thought' would be a better fit here.

"Oh, is that an imaginary friend?" the older girl asked, smiling.

"That's what mom calls her!"

It didn't really register the first time, but Nonoko is quickly learning the art of the Cassandra Truth, just like her big brother. :)

Kanae's judgement wasn't awful, either, but he'd left the house earlier to get a change of clothes from his uncle's older outfits, and he'd evidently told Rika something then. Rika had almost immediately led Kanae off to that creepy shed, leaving Yuki and Kuyou to watch over her children.

This sentence would sound better I think if either the first 'he'd' was changed to 'Kyon had', or if this pair of sentences were combined with the paragraph above. The issue is that Kyon hadn't been mentioned in the quote, and only by taking into consideration the paragraph above it can the meaning be properly inferred.

...That is, if I am making any sense, whatsoever. >.<

Yuuto got caught up in something toward the end, when it would have been more obvious, so ended up not visiting for a good ... three months.

Hmm, I wonder what Yuuto was doing that made him so busy? Something to ponder...

So after waving goodbye to the children and making Rika wonder where the cookies Kuyou had given them came from, the four of them set out. Hanyuu gave directions, so Yuki didn't even have to spend any special effort to find the way!

This is a little thing, but the exclamation point at the end doesn't seem very "Yuki'-ish. I can see an exclamation point being used if Yuki was in a stressing situation, given her character growth, but here it seems, out of place.

Of course, Kyon knew that his uncle and his aunt Mion were only good friends, as opposed to him actually being engaged to Tsuruya. As much as he enjoyed chatting, it wasn't as though he could tell his uncle, "I'm kind of mixed up with this incredibly magical girlfriend who's set me up with a harem."

Oh, the delicious irony... >:3

Well, hopefully what I have pointed out will be helpful to you.

[Brian]

Hmm....  Not sure why that exclamation point was there.

How strange.

Anyway -- I took your suggestions and corrections.  Thanks! :)

[JonBob]

I'll let it sink a bit before giving overall impressions.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kyouko wasn't about to stop following Koizumi or Sasaki, if she could help it, so dried the dishes.

Awkward phrasing.

they didn't seem to believe that she was a magical girl, too.

Does the "too" need a comma before it?

She was willing to bet a hug would probably work.

Sasaki would probably be willing to let that "work" *winkwinknudgenudge*

"I will protect Kyon-kun from cooties,"

Ahahaha

Somehow, you looked like an Azusa-chan to me!"

Should that be "Yoko-chan"?

Kyon couldn't help but notice how the aunts had monopolized the surplus of playmates for the cousins, and had retreated

Single thought so no comma?

and making Rika wonder where the cookies Kuyou had given them came from

She really does keep pulling them out of nowhere.

Most of it centered around the series of books that Rena had read

Read or written?

and in only a single trip, Haruhi had levitated the entire load was set in the kitchen.

Last part is a bit awkward.

but it wasn't not like Haruhi was being really selfish or hurting anyone

Wasn't not?

as he let himself fall back on the couch, the girls positioning themselves on either side of them.

Them or him?

"I'm glad," she said whispered.

Double verb.