[Naruto] Motivation chapter 09

[Brian]

Same caveat as for K:BDH 60.  This chapter's rough and may need a lot of work. :x

[Onyxlamb]

When he's first introduced to Naruto's group, Gai is described as wearing a gray jumpsuit rather than a green one.

[alethiophile]

That's the running gag of Kiba's color-blindness, I think.

[Brian]

Yeah, it's....  I could just leave it at being a jumpsuit.

That joke seems to have generally fallen flat. >_>

[Bezzerker]

It might be because not many people know that Kiba is color-blind. If it were referenced in some form by the characters, then more people might understand that the description of colors while in Kiba's perspective is intentionally monochromatic.

That's my thought on that.

[Brian]

And dogs aren't actually colorblind.

I guess that's how it could come up.

Kiba: "It's a myth that dogs are color-blind!"
Hana: "But it's a fact that you are."
Kiba: =_=


Hmm, just need to figure out _where_.

Kiba: "Why are the clouds gray?  Why is the sky gray?  Why is the sun gray?  Why are rainbows gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, and infra-gray?"

[alethiophile]

I'm imagining a color "infra-gray", and it's far more amusing than it really should be.

[Bezzerker]

I think the best time to address Kiba's color blindness would be during genjutsu illusions. I imagine that any genjutsu he uses will be strangely monochromatic to others. He might also have a slight edge in seeing through others' illusions for the same reason why people who can't see the color green, can see someone who is wearing camouflage.

[Dracos]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Shikamaru hesitated. He was still worn out from the run, and even with a chance to sit still and drink tea, Shino was exhausted as well.

"That's no problem!" the pink-haired girl exclaimed happily.

Of course ... for what they were planning, they needed Hinata's help -- and to somehow keep Naruto in the dark on this. Well, given what Shikamaru had already said, he offered, "It would be more efficient if someone else were to handle the paperwork while you and Naruto prepared for the day's exercise."

Shikamaru nodded. "Right," he agreed. "In that case, Hinata, how about you and Shino-kun handle that, while Naruto-kun and I prepare? Everyone else can get started with Sakura."

*slowly parses*

I found this part a bit awkward on the pronouns.  Particularly sentence 3 could use a rephrasing.

*will comment as a whole later, just does spot remarks for now*

[Dracos]

Spoiler: ShowHide

He stopped a few paces before her and gave a disarming smile, even behind that stupid mask. One of his eyes was covered with his hitai-ate, but she how that procedure worked -- medial rectus and lateral rectus reattachment with foreign chakra; tricky. A steady hand alone wouldn't be enough for that; it'd take a skilled or reckless medical-nin to do it. Of course, it wasn't without precedent, but--

Missing a verb between she and how that procedure.

Okay, I didn't spot any other glaring bits there.

Content~

hmm, on one hand you took the shortest and most amusing route through Gai training.  On the other, they didn't really get anything but stamina training out of it.  Guess it was only one session anyway.  Heh, I'm too biased from too many Gai for the Leaf Clan tellings of Gai that I totally expect him to do subtle kung fu master bullshit alongside his 'Run Seven Million Laps'.

Kinda surprised actually that Sasuke and Shino were able to keep up.  But guess it's more fun for a narrative rivalry bit :)

INFORMATION IS POWER!  Cute.

Something felt a bit odd about the medic training scene.  I think it's really that Kurenai didn't have anything else in her 'Things you can do without chakra that people should know' actually that makes it feel that way.  Sure, all the girls competitively leaped after medical training for various reasons and it'd been foreshadowed that she was intending to try and lure Sakura in...and she was surprised to get them all.  I dunno, I think some discussion there would actually make Kurenai come across stronger as a teacher.  There's Disguise, Trap-making, and I can't think of many else, but just to open their minds a bit on the way to Medical Training is awesome.  Though like all of those, Medical Training in that world quickly becomes a chakra focused thing.

Hmm, Shikaku got a very useful bit of information and seems to have discarded it?  I hope it comes up later, but they do know 2 senior ANBU lead this ANBU member through.  He does actually have the bit of information that the Hokage dropped (but did tell him to put out of his mind) that someone had been ejected from ANBU and partially for having immunity to curse seals.  It feels like enough information is in front of them to want to have a spy in on the next ROOT transfer/initiation.  Hmm, well, basically, enough information is there to suggest that some if not all high rankers in the training group are comprimised...and why showing one's hand is bad, it seems like an excellent area to spy on and an even better one to be careful as each new person transferred there is potentially another high skills loyal victim.  Hum, I suppose I'm hoping for one of those awesome "I'm an Insightful Ninja" moments out of Shikaku.  Was the Sharingan revealed earlier?  Sounds like something that should get attention since as far as the Hokage knows there are 2 living members of that clan left and one other guy with the eye.

Good stuff with the trio plotting their hiding the bigger secret under the smaller one.

Iroh! Iroh!  Nice blend.  I really like these light crossover touches.

Hum, you're really playing a lot with hidden information.  Originally, it grated a little bit, but the more I reflect on it, the more it is very Ninja.  Instead of it being a given that information is known, it's a given that it isn't.

The scene with Ebi is neat, though it seems to paint that without older father meddling...they wouldn't have gotten the information at all?  Hmm, I dunno.  I guess Shikaku is hedging on them having some trick to get through the low security wall anyway?  Makes sense.  It is a little overt...

I think it'd kind of be cool if Shikimaru picked up on what Choza being there meant: That what they found was probably a little secret, hiding something else.  It could imply his father might still be alive (wrong but could).  But it also means that there was a reason to be careful with what they found out since they were manipulated and that wouldn't have happened if there wasn't something important there?  That they could be endangering Naruto if they weren't on the same page of being careful with the information.

Of course Hinata could just ask her dad.  There's no way everybody is on the same page enough to be hiding the relationship between two dead ninja?  Though maybe they are.  Or maybe it's just more of "Information we normally assume is known, but everyone in this fic is a real ninja, so even who you're married to is something that gets obscured'.

Huh.  Sasuke actually being leaderly was kinda cool, weirdly enough.  As always, like real ninja is a rocking line.  The last training scene actually was a pretty good capstone to the whole training arc, showing off noticeable development and comparison to the original for all of them.  And amusing use of Naruto's henshin :)

It's kind of a surprise actually that no one has noted the other advantage this tight training will have: They'll be a lot closer than usual ninja groups.  I guess nobody is in the right spot to notice.

Some good scenes, I think the ending training bit was my favorite part of it though :)

[Bezzerker]

A typo during the genin training mission.

"Well, she was weak, but she was smart. She was probably the weakest link, but if she'd come up with the cipher she had, she suspected that she'd come up with another plan, as well."

The italicized 'she' should be 'he'.

Another nitpick I have is with the Tsunade scene. I would think with her kind of luck, she would have actually started to win a little bit prior to Kakashi and Anko showing up. Not by a huge margin, but a steady trickle of minor gains over maybe half an hour to an hour, enough to get her paranoid.

That's all I have at the moment. I do like the inclusion of Iroh in the story.

[Brian]

Alrighty -- sorry for not replying in more detail.

I've fixed the typos you all mentioned.  The point about Tsunade winning instead of losing is a good one, so I've revised the scene accordingly.  There's a lot of other things to think about as well, most of them really heading towards future chapters.

But, hey.

No pressure, right? ;_;

Seriously, though -- thanks for all of the suggestions and input. :D

[Dracos]

Okay, I've gotten the Rookie Nine to pose on this platform, with the entire rest of the active cast in the background atop it.

Let's just put this on Brian's shoulders.  PRESSURE~  :P