[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 61

[Brian]

Overdue, and probably terrible.  I expect to need to probably replace an entire scene or two before this is ready to post. >_<

Edit: New revision.

[Empyrean]

I'm excited to see how Miyuki handles the truth and where that plot thread goes.

Evidently the older girl was an avid baker, and after spending some time weaving Kuyou's into a pair of extraordinarily thick braids

Missing "hair" here.

Three of the slider bots were closer, and the other four would be acting as artillery.

Maybe "fire support" instead of "artillery" here? Not a big deal either way.

Since she was trying to see what Kyon might be up to, she supposed she was on the job in some senses.

s/senses/sense

[thedarkfreak]

Overall, quite enjoyable.  I think I started laughing and squeeing when Miyuki sees more, and then makes her decision.


Few things I noted:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"a rather eclectic selection of colors"

Did you just give Kyon the Fourth Doctor's scarf?

"and he had always judged that sort of existence to be inherently inferior."

he->she, I'm assuming, since this is Ryouko's perspective.

"and she especially ignored the idea of double-teaming Kyon with Haruhi"

Don't tell Haruhi about that, she'll make you do it.

"where a tiny spark of read streaked down"

Wrong read.

"'Sliderbot_005' through 'Sliderbot_13,'"

Just nitpicking, but maybe 'Sliderbot_013' to keep the number of digits the same?


Also, I find it hard to believe that Miyuki would have been brought to the shadow world on accident.  Is Kuyou plotting something?

A second read-through might reveal more, which I'll do when I'm not tired at 1 in the morning.

[alethiophile]

:D:D:D

Spoiler: ShowHide

It made functioning very different, and he had always judged that sort of existence to be inherently inferior. Why would someone choose to have that kind of existence?

Should that be 'she'? Also, potential repetition.

So everything about this chapter is awesome. Ryouko as perky AR battle-helper, Miyuki being conflicted, relations among the Higurashi crowd are all great. Also nice to see some focus on Sasaki, since I like her.

[Brian]

...and the One Post, TO REPLY TO THEM ALL!

* Brian coughs.

Erm, anyway:

I'm excited to see how Miyuki handles the truth and where that plot thread goes.

Cool.  Used all your fixes -- thanks for catching those.

Overall, quite enjoyable.  I think I started laughing and squeeing when Miyuki sees more, and then makes her decision.

Good to hear. :D

Few things I noted:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"a rather eclectic selection of colors"

Did you just give Kyon the Fourth Doctor's scarf?

Excellent job catching the reference!

"and she especially ignored the idea of double-teaming Kyon with Haruhi"

Don't tell Haruhi about that, she'll make you do it.

Don't tell Sasaki that, she'll 'accidentally let it slip'.

Also, I find it hard to believe that Miyuki would have been brought to the shadow world on accident.  Is Kuyou plotting something?

Maybe! :p

A second read-through might reveal more, which I'll do when I'm not tired at 1 in the morning.

Okay -- used all of your corrections, and thanks for the feedback! :)

:D:D:D

:3

Spoiler: ShowHide

Should that be 'she'? Also, potential repetition.

Reworked the second instance into 'state of being'.

So everything about this chapter is awesome. Ryouko as perky AR battle-helper, Miyuki being conflicted, relations among the Higurashi crowd are all great. Also nice to see some focus on Sasaki, since I like her.

Sasaki's great fun, even if her K:BDH character is at least as far from canon as Haruhi's.  As far as Ryouko, I want to try and have her continue the line of gaming-related-humor/references, like the number of targets/max number of targets during the resonance cascade scenario (was it that long ago?).

Okay -- thanks for the feedback. :)

[izzy84075]

Wall 'o text incoming. Spoiler'd for people scrolling through. Some of these are probably already mentioned, but I didn't go looking.

Spoiler: ShowHide

>Evidently the older girl was an avid baker, and after spending some time weaving Kuyou's into a pair of extraordinarily thick braids,

Missing a "hair".

>Sasaki started, realizing she hadn't -- that wasn't any good....

Syntax error! Mismatched "--" detected! It mostly works as-is, but that bugs me.

>"It's really fine, Mikuru," Kyon agreed

Hm... I'd go with "Really, it's fine, Mikuru," or "It's fine, Mikuru. Really,". I tend to parse "really fine" as, uh... Really small? "Fine sand", or "fine-toothed comb".

> "Ah-- I'll, I'll move around the table for that, Yuki-chan, he said

Missed a closing double quote.

Also, I didn't copy the particular lines, but other than the drawings, you don't actually say what the other gifts are. It's implied that Haruhi's is a scarf of some sort, and Yuki's is a stringed instrument of some sort(A bass guitar, if I'm reading the "taught me to play so she wouldn't have to" line correctly), but not confirmed that I've read yet.

>"I hadn't known that side of you! Or, Kyon, either!"

Not sure the first comma is needed in the second sentence. Seems an odd place for a pause.

>"Oh, right! Mion-san left us a box of kimono to wear to the festival!

How does pluralization work on Japanese/borrowed words? My gut says to throw an s at the end of kimono, but it could be it's own plural, too...

>Secondly, since she was perched on Kuyou's shoulder, and she'd taken one of Kyon's arms, the boy in question seemed to have grown much less concerned with Ryouko's presence.

Who does the second "she" refer to? I think it's Kuyou, but I'm not sure.

>It made functioning very different, and he had always judged that sort of existence to be inherently inferior.

I believe that "he" should be a "she".

>I have agreed to share what time I do have, don't I?

I believe the "don't" should be a "haven't".

>Tsuruya exclaimed as Sasaki and Kuyou both released Kyon's arms, before the cousins could spot it-- Though, Matsuri, the most jealous one wasn't in sight.

"it -- though Matsuri, the most jealous one, wasn't in sight."? Slight tweaks...

>in theory the NPA might be the enemy, wouldn't they?

Couldn't? Not sure.

>where a tiny spark of read streaked down

Red.

>The world around him exploded into augmented reality vision;

Mmm. Delicious augmented reality goodness.

>You think destroying some strider's

Striders?

>"No!" Shutaro cried out. "My own father!"

Poor kid. Ickiness is a terrible fate to lose your father to.

>evidently once he did save Kyon from being erased.

Hm. "evidently he had once saved Kyon from being erased"? Seems like you're talking about a future event that hasn't happened yet(Or has it actually not happened yet? I haven't kept very good track of the timeline...) as it is.

>completely ignored since Haruhi had set hers (and the other girls') sights on Kyon.

I believe the "hers" should be "her".

>"You know, I've been thinking about my next book series?"

And thus the recursive 'fic begins.

>"I'd say that hypothetically ... I would."

What he would hypothetically do is not clear at all to me. Believe? Get a transfer? Something else I missed?
It clears up as I read farther, but my first instinct is to go backwards to figure out what I missed, not forwards.

[alethiophile]

Fujiwara saved Kyon from being erased in a time-travel accident during the Convoluted Plan to Rescue Sasaki and Kyouko. (He alerted Kyon to the problem of having multiple time-instances present when Kanae attempts to unify all the bits of him she can feel or jump to by force.)

Also, something I noticed. Fujiwara: "I'll take her through space, but not time, and leave her at my classified.... At Tsuruya's place."
What is Tsuruya to Fujiwara? There's been lots of random speculation, of course. The troll in me wants to say he was prevented from saying 'mother'.

[izzy84075]

Fujiwara saved Kyon from being erased in a time-travel accident during the Convoluted Plan to Rescue Sasaki and Kyouko. (He alerted Kyon to the problem of having multiple time-instances present when Kanae attempts to unify all the bits of him she can feel or jump to by force.)

Also, something I noticed. Fujiwara: "I'll take her through space, but not time, and leave her at my classified.... At Tsuruya's place."
What is Tsuruya to Fujiwara? There's been lots of random speculation, of course. The troll in me wants to say he was prevented from saying 'mother'.

I remember the Convoluted Plan, just not exactly when that is relative to now.

I got the feeling he was going to say some other place, then swapped to Tsuruya's when he ran into the whole 'classified' thing. I'm not sure how green hair would interact with others genetically, but that would be interesting if he is related to Tsuruya  somehow... Makes his whole attempt to prevent timetravel from existing rather suicidal, though...

[Specular]

I skimmed through the draft once and so far I think it's very good!

I missed the action scenes and I like where the Miyuki's plot thread is going.

I will give it a more exhaustive perusal after I return home today.

Also:

Also, something I noticed. Fujiwara: "I'll take her through space, but not time, and leave her at my classified.... At Tsuruya's place."
What is Tsuruya to Fujiwara? There's been lots of random speculation, of course. The troll in me wants to say he was prevented from saying 'mother'.

Kyon	:	What are you doing? There is no time!
Fujiwara	:	No. I won't let you fight for that world.
Kyon	:	Get out of the way! You know this is the only chance!
Fujiwara	:	Your doll never told you what happened to my father.
Kyon	:	I know enough! From your perspective, I fragged him out of the timeline. Didn't I?
Fujiwara	:	No. If I let you reach that portal, all I will ever know about him is that he was a fool who saved everyone except the ones he should!

Sorry, I couldn't help myself. In my defense, it's almost a mandatory shout-out.

[alethiophile]

Mandatory or not, I manage to not get it. What's the reference?

[Specular]

Late arriving C&C

Spoiler: ShowHide

While Kyon was out with Tsuruya, Mikuru went to the kitchen with Kuyou. Evidently the older girl was an avid baker, and after spending some time weaving Kuyou's into a pair of extraordinarily thick braids, the pair began work constructing a cake to surprise him with on his return.

Mikuru. Braiding Kuyou's hair. There went my sugar levels.

Tsuruya had arranged it with Haruhi beforehand, so stalled Kyon in the doorway so they could all crowd around and cheer, "Surprise!" as soon as he opened it.

Probably the comma before "Surprise!" is unnecessary.

Sasaki thought he might have expected it, but he must have been distracted by other factors -- if his reaction to a kiss was anything close to hers, she could understand why! Then again, Tsuruya must have had more practice with it than Sasaki....

That was Sasaki's first kiss? If it was, she could remark about it.

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. The proportions seemed amazing, for a girl her size; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed.

Why "for a girl her size"? I'm not sure how being smaller should affect a sketch if the person who drew it simply decides to use other PoV than his or her own first person perspective.

Kyon nodded thoughtfully, carefully peeling back the page, and revealing another beneath. There were a dozen pages in all, which seemed to all match the same quality, and showed Kyon fighting against a giant robot on the beach somewhere in proper heroic fashion.

Nitpicking: That many pages should be obvious from the start. Alternatively, it could say Kyon took one page from the package without realizing there was more within it.

"I'm not certain that helps!" Sasaki laughed, settling slightly. "But, yes, you're right.... Um, I'm terribly sorry, Kyon, I wasn't prepared and so ... I have nothing to offer you!" In fact, she couldn't even cook or bake like the other girls could!

I'm just curious: Sasaki can knit? The omission caught my attention, that's all.

"It's not a problem," Kyon agreed, shaking his head. Pausing to indicate everyone, he added, "Realistically, just by having, uh ... well, you, I can't ask for much more!"

Wait a moment... He's right. The girls he's dating did get him a new girlfriend for his birthday. What the heck?

"This gift was prepared in advance," Yuki said quietly, reaching behind her and moving a very large box around. She braced to lift it, and Kyon shook his head quickly. "Ah-- I'll, I'll move around the table for that, Yuki-chan, he said, rising curiously and moving around to accept the package.

I think Yuki cut in too suddenly after the previous line.

Sasaki had to wonder where the box came from -- obviously Yuki had hidden it behind the couch, or something along those lines -- but how had she fit it in the bags she had brought with them when they first arrived? Then again ... perhaps it had been moved while she was blindfolded?

Just another theory for Sasaki's musings: Yuki arranged the package to be delivered by courier just before the party to keep the present as a surprise.

She shook her head to see Kyon accepting the package with a curious expression. He moved it to one side as everyone crowded around him to watch. It was just a plain brown box, with no visible labels or markings on it. Shrugging, Kyon lifted the lid, prompting Haruhi to gasp quietly, and the rest to make curious responses of their own.

Bit of trivia: IINM, brand new guitars can also come in cardboard boxes with a more obvious triangular form.

"Ah, I learned how to play piano," she offered cautiously. "I don't know if I'm very good, though...."

IIRC, Haruhi also got piano lessons as a kid.

"Why not just be friends and play together when we feel like it?" he offered, giving her a small smile. "I have a suspicion that Yuki-chan taught me how to play in the first place so she wouldn't have to," he added.

I'll admit I laughed way too loudly at that. Now I suspect Kyon also got dancing lessons in the hyperbolic time chamber.

"But we can still play!" Tsuruya encouraged. "I don't know how to play anything, but I can sing a little bit! I bet Kanae-chan can, too! So we can still have fun with it together, Haru-nyan."

Obscure trivia: According to the Drama CD "Sound Around", Tsuruya knows how to play some strange traditional instruments.
I don't know for sure, but apparently bands can rent equipated, soundproofed rooms similar to the karaoke boxes.

After surveying everyone present, as Kyon carefully put the guitar back in its case, pausing when he realized Kuyou was silently staring. Had been since he'd started, actually. "Did you like that song?" he asked her belatedly.

IINM, the guitar case wasn't mentioned before. This makes its sudden appearance strange.
Now I think about it, if a known yakuza is seen carrying a guitar case, I wonder how many would think there is actually a musical instrument inside.

"Chorus." After blinking, Kuyou added, "Stringed instruments."

That was when I tsukkomi-ed "not that kind of strings!"
BTW, if they're ever going to be literal about it, my first choice for Kuyou would be a violin. I even have the fanart for it.

Since Nonoko was playing with her cousins, Ryouko had remained in the background. Even though they were related, the genetic variance was high enough that they couldn't see her without her making extra effort to be visible. Thanks to Kuyou and the unexpected presence of Hanyuu, Ryouko had plenty to occupy her, but she still was glad to see that Nonoko was having fun.

That's interesting. Considering that the slider guns probably didn't come with a nice implant-free AR-based user interface by default, it makes sense that they are hardwired to sync with anyone who matches the user's genetic imprint. Makes me wonder if the Combine has a clone army.

It made functioning very different, and he had always judged that sort of existence to be inherently inferior. Why would someone choose to have that kind of existence?

"and he" -> "and she"

Clearly, the IDSE knew about this, and that was why interfaces existed as an insulative measure to protect it from directly experiencing that sort of thing.

"insulative" is correct but infrequently used. How about "insulating"?

"My," Sasaki breathed, glancing around. "Um ... I had thought it would be just us, Kyon...."

Sasaki didn't see Kuyou until then?

sometimes I wonder if I'm the sort of person who would -- alone -- be enough for another

That's an interesting angle to develop a little further. In particular, it could be a strong point of commonality with Kanae .

Ryouko had a filed reference to him being one of the ones present in discussion with Kyon's aunts when they had first arrived in Hinamizawa. Well, it was a small village! The man paled, and silently vanished back into his stall, deciding not to comment.

More rumours?

"Well..." Sasaki started hesitantly, blushing faintly and not meeting his eyes. "If you're uncertain, but willing to give it your best ... then I'm reassured you're still the same Kyon that I ... liked so much back then, and you haven't become some terrible playboy. But ... if you don't mind anyway...." She firmed her resolve, and since she was still holding one of Kyon's arms, he couldn't resist very well when she copied the move of the dark-haired entity.

My sugar levels!!

She tried to keep her mind away from thoughts of stereotypical romantic situations regarding festivals, and she especially ignored the idea of double-teaming Kyon with Haruhi, dragging him off into the woods and--

Tip for Sasaki: The bad thing about the last idea is that someone invariably thought of it first. Especially if it's said that some place is a "secret spot".
That reminds me. They had not heard of Koizumi and Kyouko for a while, right? Hmm....

"Harmonious," Kuyou chimed in, as the three returned to the thin crowds milling around the festival grounds-- Almost instantly, they ran into the other girls, Kyon's cousins and aunts trailing behind them.

Too coincidental, Yuki probably guided them there.

"Mm, yeah, as long as you aren't taking pictures of or inside the saiguden," Keiichi agreed. "Alright, my daughter will send Oyashiro-sama after me if we miss her on stage -- come on, Kyon-kun, you know it'd mean the world to her if you were among the first to take a cotton ball down to the river!"

Probably it should be forbidden to take pictures with the flash on during the ceremony itself.

It didn't take long for their group to get to the main festival grounds, just before the nearby booths began shutting down in observance of the ceremony. Yuki prepared her phone, but after glancing at her thoughtfully, Yurie suggested, "Nee-chan, can you let me sit on your shoulders, I wonder, I wonder?"

Why Yurie asked that to Yuki specifically? Does she suspect something about her?

Yurie smirked knowingly. "Girls can be strong too -- like you, Mom!" she said. "And if I asked Kyon-nii, wouldn't Matsu-chan get jealous?"

Now I'm curious: How would Mion or Akasaka (Sr) fare against Kyon in a bare-handed sparring session?

Rika was the first, dressed identically to her daughter, and behind her was Mion, who had hurried ahead from their group earlier -- expected as pillars of the community, Sasaki expected.

Reiteration of the word "expected".

The smaller girl exclaimed, "An early firework!" as she readjusted the camera phone upward, where a tiny spark of read streaked down, flickering and brightening in intensity.

"of read" -> "of red"

Sasaki held her breath anxiously ... that was a rare event -- surely it wasn't aimed toward them, though ... was it?

I think it's strange for Sasaki to think that. Shooting stars are visible at great distances after all.

"I...it must have been a larger meteorite that broke into pieces," Sasaki reasoned, as more bright, fiery streaks joined the first, all of them coming down -- toward the river, though it was hard to tell how close by. She planned to count the interval between the flash of impact and the sound of the explosion ... but it must have been too distant after all; the fiery projectiles seemed to fall and vanish without any fanfare.

A little of reiteration with the word "fiery"

Ryouko had helpfully labeled them 'Sliderbot_005' through 'Sliderbot_13,' along with their range in meters, which was a number counting down, followed by a very short countdown to them reaching the surface.

Two leading zeroes looks a little weird, unless it's a reference I missed.

"Right -- Kuyou, if you can, bring us and the slider robots to your closed space, so we can keep this from reaching the festival," he ordered, bracing himself, barely even noticing the shifting wave of changing space as it swept out, grabbing the robotic things as well. "Is Wataru coming in, too?"

Kyon doesn't know the term "Shadow Song"?

And just as he thought that, his personal shields flared, soaking up the impact and debris launched out by the impact of the arriving robots. That was a nearby one, Kyon deduced, blinded momentarily by the flash of his shields lighting up. Worse, there was a cloud of steam from the nearby river, as well as mixed smoke and dust.

Did his shields flash when hit? Revealing his position like that could be tactical disadvantage for Kyon to point out and correct or just be aware of. I mean, he could be the target of the classic tactic of using splash damage to locate a cloaked enemy. Also, the Combine forces here could deploy Shield Scanners (the little floating things) to act as spotters for the bigger synths.

He wasted no further time, lofting Altair into hand and shifting it into one of the more heavy-hitting configurations that he and Yuki had programmed into it. The weapon extended and became largely hollow, assuming a tube-like formation, with a small targeting scope that folded out. He put his eye to it largely by reflex, hardly needed thanks to Ryouko's targeting aid, and fired a rail-accelerated needle directly at the nearest slider bot.

It's just my wishful thinking or that configuration sounded a lot like the FarSight XR-20 from Perfect Dark (purposefully overpowered railgun-based snipper rifle with an auto-targeting system).

"Disharmony with the other," Kuyou added answered, holding a tiny, sparkling point between her hands, blinking at him.

Dark energy?

"It's effectively their power core!" Ryouko cheered. "It's a propagated memetic change from the energy sources the enemy sent, converting it into something that we can use, and they can't call back! Their system requires them to reclaim the energy and mass of what they send over, or they lose it, right? Well, she makes sure they can't recover it without taking it back from us!"

Idea: the "cartridge system" from MSL Nanoha. Store surplus energy in portable containers, then use them to feed finishing move-grade attacks.

Not that surprising, though. He still had allies to back him up, but if his friends were risking involvement, that meant he needed to try and keep the robots busy. "Ryouko, activate Vega in ECM mode," he ordered, absently flipping the cylinder out of his coat and into the air; it shifted into an orb that hovered over his shoulder, just before the small interface.

Electronic countermeasures? My inner geek is grinning approvingly. Going melee would have been too risky otherwise.

Well, he'd never gotten to actually use the beam-saber before, so there was no time like the present, was there? Three of the slider bots were closer, and the other four would be acting as artillery. He wasted no time throwing himself under yet another blast -- this one making his shields bleed energy much, much faster than he would have liked.

Are these the same four units that fired at Kyon almost simultaneously a few paragraphs ago? If so, I suggest changing "four would be acting" for "four have been acting". Also, using the word "artillery" here should be incorrect, but considering how much fire it would actually take to put Kyon down when he's properly outfitted, it's just proper to call the big guns IMHO.

With the field below him set to frictionless, he shot forward beneath the spindly construct, mildly surprised he didn't hit its own force field -- and even more surprised at how easily his blade sheared straight through the carapace on the long axis. It sparked and fell apart, internals dripping some strange blue fluid, and what looked like liquid sparks--

Achievement Unlocked: Dash-Rolling Slash
Somewhere, a reploid is smiling.

He had the strangest idea some terrible reaction was forming before Kuyou launched herself at it, retrieving another of the sparkling lights.

Chuou, the cutest "Power-Up Magnet" ever.

Of course, Ryouko's augmented reality objects indicated a vaguely female shape hiding outside of the cloud, but watching -- Kyouko was a potential vulnerable point, so she needed to be kept safe.

If I'm reading this right, this was very well thought out. IIRC, Koizumi can keep his connection to Kyouko even when he's within Kuyou's Shadow Song and she is not, but Kyon doesn't necessarily know that. It nicely explains how Kyon could fail to recognize Miyuki watching them nearby without contriving a reason why her presence wasn't flagged on the AR environment.
Good job.

She was still trying to figure out what the wave of nausea she'd been struck with after she followed Kyon into the woods meant when a group of closely clustered and nearly deafening explosions rang out-- She'd reflexively thrown herself flat, waiting until she could make sense of the situation. She wasn't armed, since she was on vacation.

That reminds me. A while ago I researched a little about the firearm used by Miyuki in this picture. My best guess is that the piece is a SIG Sauer (unrelated: I wonder why they never draw the iron sights). More specifically, I think it's supposed to be the P230JP (pic), a variant of the P230 made by SIG and licenced produced by Minebea. Probably an old model for this story though (according to the wiki, Yoigoshi-hen took place in June, 2006)

... well, Koizumi was just about completely ignored since Haruhi had set hers (and the other girls') sights on Kyon. It was only fair for him, wasn't it?

How about: "Haruhi had set hers (and the other girls') sights" -> "Haruhi (and the other girls) had set hers sights".

Keiichi raised his eyebrows, then shook his head. "The kids are being quiet," he remarked, heading toward the living room. "I'll keep an eye on them before they get into trouble."

Savvy father.
Kids are like the sea. The more quiet the surface is, the more wary one should be of what is happening beneath it.

"We can tickle it out of her," Mion suggested, eyeing the shrine maiden sternly.

"Hau..." Rika whimpered, backing cautiously away.

Sorry about that...

"You know, I've been thinking about my next book series?" Rena mused in a segue. "It's about a young man who's chosen by a number of different kinds of magical girls-- So a ninja girl, a traditional magical girl, a princess from a different dimension, a fairy...."

Let me see if I got it right: ninja = Yuki, traditional magical girl = Haruhi, princess = Kanae, fairies = Ryouko & Kuyou?

Blowing out a sigh, Miyuki grumbled, "I think Kyon is working with the yakuza in his hometown, fighting off alien invaders, got the ability to appear two places at once, and can turn invisible. I can't find anything plausible and incriminating about him, but frequently clues that have no business turning up just 'happen' to turn up in front of me and lead me to very suspicious events.

How about: "I think Kyon" -> "I think Keiichi-san's nephew, Kyon,"



Only complaint: Too little Hanyuu.

Mandatory or not, I manage to not get it. What's the reference?

In hindsight, I definitely fumbled that one. It's suppossed to be an inverted "Luke, I'm your father."

[Brian]

Wall 'o text incoming. Spoiler'd for people scrolling through. Some of these are probably already mentioned, but I didn't go looking.

Hooray~!  Thanks for the feedback. :3

Spoiler: ShowHide

>Sasaki started, realizing she hadn't -- that wasn't any good....

Syntax error! Mismatched "--" detected! It mostly works as-is, but that bugs me.

First sentence isn't really complete, so I'll fix that.

Also, I didn't copy the particular lines, but other than the drawings, you don't actually say what the other gifts are. It's implied that Haruhi's is a scarf of some sort, and Yuki's is a stringed instrument of some sort(A bass guitar, if I'm reading the "taught me to play so she wouldn't have to" line correctly), but not confirmed that I've read yet.

Okay, clarified the guitar bit.  (The scarf is covered, though is mostly just a bonus for those who recognize Kyon slowly becoming the 4th doctor (buwahaha~!)).

>"Oh, right! Mion-san left us a box of kimono to wear to the festival!

How does pluralization work on Japanese/borrowed words? My gut says to throw an s at the end of kimono, but it could be it's own plural, too...

Japanese words don't have a special form for plurals.  I used 'bentos' earlier, though, so I may as well remain consistant.  (Oops.)

Ah, wait.  I used 'kimono' as a plural as well.

Well, shoot.  I'll have to figure this out and change either one, or the other.  Probably will change 'kimono' to 'kimonos' in any case.  Drat. >_>

>Secondly, since she was perched on Kuyou's shoulder, and she'd taken one of Kyon's arms, the boy in question seemed to have grown much less concerned with Ryouko's presence.

Who does the second "she" refer to? I think it's Kuyou, but I'm not sure.

Will revise.

>in theory the NPA might be the enemy, wouldn't they?

Couldn't? Not sure.

Will revise that, too!

>You think destroying some strider's

Striders?

Ack, such a simple mistake!

Poor kid. Ickiness is a terrible fate to lose your father to.

Shutaro: "The _worst_."

Hm. "evidently he had once saved Kyon from being erased"? Seems like you're talking about a future event that hasn't happened yet(Or has it actually not happened yet? I haven't kept very good track of the timeline...) as it is.

It did happen; fixed that.

>"I'd say that hypothetically ... I would."

What he would hypothetically do is not clear at all to me. Believe? Get a transfer? Something else I missed?
It clears up as I read farther, but my first instinct is to go backwards to figure out what I missed, not forwards.

Okay, will clarify.

If I didn't respond to a comment, it's because I used it. :D

Thanks again for the feedback!

[Brian]

Late arriving C&C

Fashionably so!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Mikuru. Braiding Kuyou's hair. There went my sugar levels.

:D

Tsuruya had arranged it with Haruhi beforehand, so stalled Kyon in the doorway so they could all crowd around and cheer, "Surprise!" as soon as he opened it.

Probably the comma before "Surprise!" is unnecessary.

Technically, "cheer" is acting as a speech indicator, so it's needed. >_>;

Sasaki thought he might have expected it, but he must have been distracted by other factors -- if his reaction to a kiss was anything close to hers, she could understand why! Then again, Tsuruya must have had more practice with it than Sasaki....

That was Sasaki's first kiss? If it was, she could remark about it.

Hmmm, yeah, probably.

Will add to that a bit.

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. The proportions seemed amazing, for a girl her size; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed.

Why "for a girl her size"? I'm not sure how being smaller should affect a sketch if the person who drew it simply decides to use other PoV than his or her own first person perspective.

I should be clearer; Kanae looks younger, so 'size' should be 'age'.  Hmmm.  Maybe that angle shouldn't even be used, actually.  Yeah, I'll work around that.

Nitpicking: That many pages should be obvious from the start. Alternatively, it could say Kyon took one page from the package without realizing there was more within it.

I'll go with the latter.

"I'm not certain that helps!" Sasaki laughed, settling slightly. "But, yes, you're right.... Um, I'm terribly sorry, Kyon, I wasn't prepared and so ... I have nothing to offer you!" In fact, she couldn't even cook or bake like the other girls could!

I'm just curious: Sasaki can knit? The omission caught my attention, that's all.

Hadn't meant to imply that, but probably, she could.  Of course, Kyon already got a scarf ... which needs to be upgraded.

Wait a moment... He's right. The girls he's dating did get him a new girlfriend for his birthday. What the heck?

Haruhi: "Makes sense to me; you've wanted one of this model since middle school, right?"
Kyon: "...awkwardly enough, yes, yes I did. >_>;;"

"This gift was prepared in advance," Yuki said quietly, reaching behind her and moving a very large box around. She braced to lift it, and Kyon shook his head quickly. "Ah-- I'll, I'll move around the table for that, Yuki-chan, he said, rising curiously and moving around to accept the package.

I think Yuki cut in too suddenly after the previous line.

Fixed.

Just another theory for Sasaki's musings: Yuki arranged the package to be delivered by courier just before the party to keep the present as a surprise.

Or she had it sent to the house in advance.

Bit of trivia: IINM, brand new guitars can also come in cardboard boxes with a more obvious triangular form.

Would be too obvious. :p

"Ah, I learned how to play piano," she offered cautiously. "I don't know if I'm very good, though...."

IIRC, Haruhi also got piano lessons as a kid.

I don't remember that.  But someone I trusted with dropbox access decided to either delete my 'novels 1-11' file or used the 'move' command, which accomplished the same thing, so I can't easily check!

I'll admit I laughed way too loudly at that. Now I suspect Kyon also got dancing lessons in the hyperbolic time chamber.

You are correct.  But he asked for those.

Haruhi: "_Why_?"
Kyon: "So I wouldn't upset or embarass you when you asked me to dance with you?"
Haruhi: "That's so sweet I can't even be that upset about losing the opportunity to teach you myself."
Kyon: "Yeah, missing out on the joy of me stepping on your toes and everything."
Haruhi: "On second thought, Yuki-chan has earned herself a cake."
Kuyou: "Or cookies."

"But we can still play!" Tsuruya encouraged. "I don't know how to play anything, but I can sing a little bit! I bet Kanae-chan can, too! So we can still have fun with it together, Haru-nyan."

Obscure trivia: According to the Drama CD "Sound Around", Tsuruya knows how to play some strange traditional instruments.
I don't know for sure, but apparently bands can rent equipated, soundproofed rooms similar to the karaoke boxes.

Tsuruya: "I know how to play a Sungi horn!"
Kyon: "I don't want to join everyone for Music Night. -_-"

Revised her statement to be, 'for a modern band'.

Now I think about it, if a known yakuza is seen carrying a guitar case, I wonder how many would think there is actually a musical instrument inside.

I added the case earlier.  Now I imagine Kyon's tired and irrate rendition of El Mariachi.  Thanks for that mental image....

BTW, if they're ever going to be literal about it, my first choice for Kuyou would be a violin. I even have the fanart for it.

That was what I had in mind!

That's interesting. Considering that the slider guns probably didn't come with a nice implant-free AR-based user interface by default, it makes sense that they are hardwired to sync with anyone who matches the user's genetic imprint. Makes me wonder if the Combine has a clone army.

Oh, no.  Combine weapons don't use genetic scanning, or else Gordon couldn't use a Combine Assault.  Kuyou actually squished an entire Strider into a handheld weapon, and added the resonance checking (gentic imprinting) herself.

Yes, that's right.  Altair and Vega are a pair of man-portable Striders that have been removed from Combine control.

Clearly, the IDSE knew about this, and that was why interfaces existed as an insulative measure to protect it from directly experiencing that sort of thing.

"insulative" is correct but infrequently used. How about "insulating"?

Doesn't feel right. :x

I'm okay with TFEIs using obscure words if they're technically correct, though. :p

Sasaki didn't see Kuyou until then?

Kuyou does occasionally do that.  I'll make her sudden appearance more obvious.

That's an interesting angle to develop a little further. In particular, it could be a strong point of commonality with Kanae .

Added a bit to that, and may explore the topic later.

Ryouko had a filed reference to him being one of the ones present in discussion with Kyon's aunts when they had first arrived in Hinamizawa. Well, it was a small village! The man paled, and silently vanished back into his stall, deciding not to comment.

More rumours?

No, it was one of the yakuza trying to impose on the Sonozaki-gumi (and Rika) that got scared off when the Haru-tachi first arrived.  Kyon doesn't recognize him, because to him, scaring those guys off was basically just a Tuesday.

My sugar levels!!

Death by insulin shock?

Tip for Sasaki: The bad thing about the last idea is that someone invariably thought of it first. Especially if it's said that some place is a "secret spot".
That reminds me. They had not heard of Koizumi and Kyouko for a while, right? Hmm....

Hehe.  Hehehe.  No, strangely, we haven't!

Probably it should be forbidden to take pictures with the flash on during the ceremony itself.

That does make sense.

Why Yurie asked that to Yuki specifically? Does she suspect something about her?

Yes, Yurie is the most perceptive of the cousins.  Also sees some similarities between Yuki and her mother.

Rena: "Did you ever snap and risk hurting those you loved due to stress, but only because of how much you loved them, I wonder, I wonder?"
Yuki: "I rewrote reality to remove my greatest romantic competitor and allow him and myself to have an unobstructed opportunity for romance.  He turned it down because that alternate 'me' was not the 'me' he cared so much about."
Rena: "Wau!  If you didn't have parents, I'd adopt you."
Yuki: "Technically, I do not have pare--"
Rena: *gets Yandere eyes, tucks Yuki under one arm*  "Kei-chan!  Adoption paperwork!  Let's make this happen!"
Yurie: "Like I said.  Nee-chan!"

Now I'm curious: How would Mion or Akasaka (Sr) fare against Kyon in a bare-handed sparring session?

Without cheating, Kyon could probably beat Mion, and would be very well matched against Akasaka.  Kyon would probably have the edge in terms of youth, since Akasaka doesn't really win on experience.

Reiteration of the word "expected".

Dropped the first.

Sasaki held her breath anxiously ... that was a rare event -- surely it wasn't aimed toward them, though ... was it?

I think it's strange for Sasaki to think that. Shooting stars are visible at great distances after all.

Sasaki held her breath anxiously ... that _was_ a rare event -- surely it wasn't aimed toward them, though ... was it?  Normally, she wouldn't even consider the possibility, given reasonable probabilities.  But after being the target of attempted kidnappings -- repeatedly -- and the seemingly impossible relationship she'd found herself in....

Ryouko had helpfully labeled them 'Sliderbot_005' through 'Sliderbot_13,' along with their range in meters, which was a number counting down, followed by a very short countdown to them reaching the surface.

Two leading zeroes looks a little weird, unless it's a reference I missed.

No, but I updated it so that both bots had three digit IDs.

Kyon doesn't know the term "Shadow Song"?

Closed space is the more familiar term, but Kyon should be considerate enough to call it what Kuyou does anyway.

Did his shields flash when hit? Revealing his position like that could be tactical disadvantage for Kyon to point out and correct or just be aware of. I mean, he could be the target of the classic tactic of using splash damage to locate a cloaked enemy. Also, the Combine forces here could deploy Shield Scanners (the little floating things) to act as spotters for the bigger synths.

Maybe -- I think the entire scene is a bit dull, so I'm going to redo the combat anyway.

It's just my wishful thinking or that configuration sounded a lot like the FarSight XR-20 from Perfect Dark (purposefully overpowered railgun-based snipper rifle with an auto-targeting system).

Haruhi: "You mean ENUFF DAKKA."
Kyon: "Surprised to hear that from you."
Haruhi: "Hey, time has to be spent on makeouts, too!"

Idea: the "cartridge system" from MSL Nanoha. Store surplus energy in portable containers, then use them to feed finishing move-grade attacks.

Yeah, but this is a self-propegating energy source.  It'll come up later. >_>

Somewhere, a reploid is smiling.

Strangely enough, my mind went somewhere else entirely on the word 'reploid'.

Sitting on Kyon's bed in his room is Kuyou, holding a chibi Ryouko as they look outside at the rain.
Ryouko: "I've ... seen things you people wouldn't believe....  Hehe....  Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.  I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.  All those ... moments ... will be lost in time, like ... tears ... in ... rain--"
Kuyou: "Melodrama detected."
Ryouko: "I deserve some sympathy! ;_;"
Kuyou: "For greater harmony--"  *chibifies*
Ryouko: *dechibifies* O_O;
Kyon: *stepping into his room just ahead of Haruhi* "What's going on -- ACK!"
Ryouko: *attacks without hesitation*
Haruhi: "Woah!  Uh, be sure to let him breath, Ryouko-chan.  Though, it _took_ you long enough...."
Kuyou: "Feel better?"
Ryouko: "Strangely enough, yes, I do. o_o;;"
Haruhi: "Duh!  Anyway, my turn!  You go play with Imouto and keep her from wandering in for a bit, Ryouko-chan."

If I'm reading this right, this was very well thought out. IIRC, Koizumi can keep his connection to Kyouko even when he's within Kuyou's Shadow Song and she is not, but Kyon doesn't necessarily know that. It nicely explains how Kyon could fail to recognize Miyuki watching them nearby without contriving a reason why her presence wasn't flagged on the AR environment.
Good job.

:D

That reminds me. A while ago I researched a little about the firearm used by Miyuki in this picture. My best guess is that the piece is a SIG Sauer (unrelated: I wonder why they never draw the iron sights). More specifically, I think it's supposed to be the P230JP (pic), a variant of the P230 made by SIG and licenced produced by Minebea. Probably an old model for this story though (according to the wiki, Yoigoshi-hen took place in June, 2006)

Hmm.  It is ... not likely that it will be story relevant.  She didn't bring a weapon on vacation with her. :p

How about: "Haruhi had set hers (and the other girls') sights" -> "Haruhi (and the other girls) had set hers sights".

You mean 'their'?

Sorry about that...

Haha!

Let me see if I got it right: ninja = Yuki, traditional magical girl = Haruhi, princess = Kanae, fairies = Ryouko & Kuyou?

Yep.

How about: "I think Kyon" -> "I think Keiichi-san's nephew, Kyon,"

Okay.

Only complaint: Too little Hanyuu.

Heh.  Might actually do something about that.  She's probably not really thrilled about the sliderbots.  Hmmm, she might actually help protect Miyuki, all things considered.

Alright -- thanks again for the feedback!

[thedarkfreak]

Oh, no.  Combine weapons don't use genetic scanning, or else Gordon couldn't use a Combine Assault.  Kuyou actually squished an entire Strider into a handheld weapon, and added the resonance checking (gentic imprinting) herself.

Yes, that's right.  Altair and Vega are a pair of man-portable Striders that have been removed from Combine control.

Wait, which Kuyou created Altair and Vega?  They were brought into the KBDH!world by Wataru, one stolen by Fujiwara, reset by Kuyou, and taken by Fujiwara(yet to leave his possession, but Miyoko winds up with it), and the other stolen by Kuyou herself, reset, and given to Kyon.

The beam-saber was directly transformed by Kuyou from the strider.

[izzy84075]

Also, I didn't copy the particular lines, but other than the drawings, you don't actually say what the other gifts are. It's implied that Haruhi's is a scarf of some sort, and Yuki's is a stringed instrument of some sort(A bass guitar, if I'm reading the "taught me to play so she wouldn't have to" line correctly), but not confirmed that I've read yet.

Okay, clarified the guitar bit.  (The scarf is covered, though is mostly just a bonus for those who recognize Kyon slowly becoming the 4th doctor (buwahaha~!)).

Mmm... I had wondered if that was what the crazy length was about, in addition to sharing... Makes me wonder whether Doctor Kyon told River his real name, or the secret Kyon nickname that he finally managed to get rid of...