[Haruhi] One Thousand and Counting (Part 1 and 2)

[Ergoemos]

I have written a relatively short Haruhi fic and while I have gone through the story three or four times, I think it is time for more critical eyes.

Premise: One Thousand and Counting is an idea that came to me when I asked "What if the endless recursion of time lasted much much longer than the six centuries it did in canon?" As I expanded the story, I cover what sort of breakdowns each of the characters might run into as they get worn away by the time, fully remembered or mostly forgotten. Part two continues after the cycle ends, showing how the characters have changed with all the time they spent together in the time loop.

Some history: One Thousand and Counting used to be a single chapter called Twenty-Six Thousand Seventy-Two, named for the number of two week cycles that it would take to reach one thousand years of endless summer.

I sort of love what the whole canon arc was trying to do, but I wanted to expand on it. Once the first chapter was written, I kept having more ideas for a continued story line, so I did a whole series of chapters covering different slices of time during the (more) Endless Eight scenario I imagined. I planned on ending my story there, but the story was well received and, well, I had more ideas for the followup. They came together quickly and neatly, becoming Part 2.

Eventually, I think I want to do a part 3, but I want to finish reading the novels before really making that decision. I have ideas... but not anything concrete, nor something I want to commit to until I have finished my research or until I get the first two parts really vetted.

---

Basically, I am requesting, should anyone feel interested, commentary and critique. I know there are going to be a few grammatical errors, despite my exhaustive re-reads, and I know I am liable to use strange turns of phrase that make sense in my head but don't quite make sense on paper. I'd also like concept critique as well, so I know I am not just using tunnel vision to miss obvious plot holes or ideas.

Right now, my story can be found here: One Thousand and Counting

If there are other preferred posting methods, such as in PDF format, Word documents or otherwise, I'd be happy to provide.

In advance, I'd like to thank you for your time. I really do appreciate any input, positive or negative.

[Muphrid]

Nice.  I was looking to give some feedback on this piece.  Guess this is the place.

These comments run through "part 1" only.

General Comments

Plot and Structure

You've told a story in flashes and snippets.  Connections between adjacent chapters are loose, sometimes nonexistent.  I can see how scenes might just occur to you and you'd put them down.  In a lot of ways, things are interchangeable.  There is no sense of progression from a plot standpoint; things simply are as they happen.  Kyon and the others are largely powerless to affect their status in the time loops.  This is a piece about coping with the circumstances and enduring them, I suppose.

I do think you missed some opportunities.  In chapter 5, Kyon has to confront Nagato about her impending suicide.  There should be a good opportunity here for Kyon to try to convince her not to kill herself, but we don't see this scene.  It all happens off-screen, perhaps reinforcing the idea that it will ultimately have no impact, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to explore Kyon and Nagato in more detail.

Another missed opportunity is Koizumi's decision not to kill Kyon in chapter 10.  He's already come to the decision, and all of this chapter is him explaining his reasoning.  That makes some sense from Kyon's perspective, but in the process, you never get the sense that Kyon is in danger--perhaps you didn't want us to feel that way.  This should've been a tough decision for Koizumi, given the strength of his feelings.  I think seeing it all happen after the fact considerably blunted any emotional impact the scene had.

There are some inconsistencies.  In chapter 6, Nagato commits suicide, and Kimidori says that Nagato couldn't be given time off because any imitation could be detected, that Nagato can't be away from the Brigade because it leaves them exposed.  Well, Nagato's dead.  Doesn't that leave the Brigade exposed?  This is a minor point in the grand scheme of things since Nagato will ultimately return anyway, but it's one of those nagging ones that demands resolution to justify Nagato reaching that desperate state in the first place.  Annoying, isn't it?  Nagato's remark that she knows she will malfunction (Disappearance) in the future is similarly difficult for me to explain.

I think overall, the structure of the piece is sound.  As for the plot, there's no real sense of forward momentum, no reason to feel that things will go toward a conclusion.  So, plot isn't really an appeal of the piece--and to your credit, you don't really pretend that it is.  This is the Kyon and Nagato show from beginning to end.  A reader would read the piece for that and happily take in all their cute interactions.  You embraced that (though perhaps you should've advertised the piece as such, to make it hit home).

Characterization and development

To be honest, I find the characterization development superficial.

You made a big, big point of the Brigade getting closer together over the course of the piece.  One aspect of this was through the use of given names.  I feel this is a superficial sign of closeness rather than a real indicator of growth in the group.  Kyon and Nagato's relationship is given the most focus; I'll handle that separately.  As far as Kyon and Koizumi, the most significant thing they go through is Koizumi's abortive assassination attempt.  They're already on a first-name basis by this time, and as I mentioned above, I feel that depicting this scene after Koizumi's made the decision not to kill him robs the scene of emotional power.  Perhaps Kyon feels he does understand Koizumi better as a result, but to be honest, he comes off too even-keeled, forgiving Koizumi like nothing happened.

As for Kyon and Asahina, they have a dinner at Nagato's place?  Nothing I would consider a proper event to forge close friends with (or at least to make them any closer than they already are).

The general vibe of the piece is kinda understated, which I think is unfortunate.  Since a lot of it is rather warm, you might've been better served going for broke with high-powered cuteness, or even a real depiction of a romantic relationship between Kyon and Nagato, rather than just dancing around it.  The general "everyone in the brigade being friends" vibe is kinda like what Altes was doing with The Link, and I feel rather similarly as a result.  It's nice to see everyone in the Brigade working together and being friendly, but I think it should be appreciated that this is not the state that they're always in--there's at least a little politics and mistrust involved between factions.  They do generally trust each other (through Kyon), but things are a bit more guarded.

Kyon just kinda seems close to (or in love with) Nagato, really.  Nagato slowly acts more human, goes through some suicide attempts, but even that doesn't give us a lot of insight into her character, mostly because she still doesn't understand it for what it is (her letter is filled with all the usual stuff you'd expect in the same vein as Disappearance: phrasing psychological problems as errors, etc.).  Honestly, we know the depths of despair Nagato is capable of reaching.  I would've liked to see some more hope, actually.  Show me Kyon rescuing her from those depths.  Does a trip to the library to surf the internet do that?  I dunno.  It's cool to see, but I don't think it does it.

Kyon's feelings are guarded and insulated from the reader, whcih is of course consistent with his character, but even when Koizumi probes at them, saying that Haruhi loves Kyon but Kyon loves Nagato, Kyon hardly batts an eye, and he doesn't even stop to think about what Koizumi is saying.  He's a little too in-character, given no room to grow beyond the person we're used to seeing.  This could've been a major revelation; or instead, he could've acknowledged that Koizumi was right, yet Kyon already knew all that and so isn't surprised.  There was a lot of potential for insight, none of it pursued.  It could be this is all a drawback of using Kyon as a narrator.  This is his tendency, after all.  I just feel like I have no strong insight into why Nagato should be attracted to Kyon (in this piece, not in general) to the extent that she obviously is, and vice versa.

Characterization itself is basically fine.  Kyon acts like Kyon; his message to be passed through Nagato is nailed.  Nagato can grow almost however the author wants and it's in-character as long as it's slow enough and deliberate enough.  I thought working off Kyon's personality for humorous effect was something that improved as the piece went on.

Style and Command

You started off with lots of references, which felt very much like Kyon:  stuff about Von Neumann machines, Mary Shelley, etc.  I noticed this decreased as the story went on.

You have a standing issue with dangling modifiers--modifying phrases that get separated from what they modify and lead to unclear sentences.

You seem to have avoided "said" altogether to tag dialogue, in favor of some unusual constructions.  This "He did this, 'Saying this stuff,' " construction is something I have never seen before.  I think you may have gone a bit too far to avoid a common and easily-recognized construction for introducing dialogue.  I definitely ascribe to the theory that the best thing writing can do is get out of the way so that people can enjoy the story.  I admit I make choices that may contradict that tenet (honorifics, for example), but I do feel it's important to be aware of the principle and to consider it.  Every time I saw this construction, it made me imagine you doing backflips over a high bar of "said"s.

A lot of the apparent inconsistencies with how characters are addressed bug me to no end, but I can definitely appreciate there being some deliberate flipping back and forth to try to depict Kyon and company as uncertain how they should be talking to each other, so that can get a pass.

I do think you could polish your treatment of numbers also.

Your style is quick and unpretentious on the whole.  You don't spend a lot of time trying to paint a picture of the scene, which is probably for the best in a piece like this, where scenes change quickly anyway.  Better not to get invested too much in a specific place and time, and most of the details would be unimportant anyway.  I think this is an aspect you might have to shake up in a different piece, but for this one, it's perfectly appropriate.  The one place I think it does work against you is in quick scene transitions.  That can be fixed with some appropriate scene breaks, though; I thought it strange you avoided them completely throughout this part.

Your command is excellent.  Aside from that one bit about dangling modifiers, there are no major issues.

Theme

It's pretty apparent to me that you intended these first eleven chapters to lead toward a closer, more tightly-knit Brigade (outside of Haruhi).  That definitely seems to be the way things are at the end of the piece.  Beyond that, I don't see anything else to take away from this piece.  One of the best places to get something across would've been the final realization, where Nagato declares the loops have ended.  Here, you picked only the ongoing support Kyon offers to her as the message.

Chapter-by-chapter stylistic suggestions, factual corrections, etc.

Chapter 1

Spoiler: ShowHide

The group had gathered together at the same cafe we had gathered at for centuries. I watched as Haruhi walked out of the cafe, forlornly begging my legs to work, demanding my brain to think of something, anything to keep this cycle from continuing.

Dangling modifier.  It sounds like Haruhi is begging Kyon's legs to work.

As I stared miserably at my empty glass of milk, Koizumi's smile drifted towards his phone as he worked the keys. Asahina-san was slumped, her head resting on her crossed arms, which they themselves rested on the table. Eventually, the impetus to stay was eroded, and I stood, biding everyone farewell.

Can cut these words.

She masticated with a single minded dedication, staring at the condensation slowly running down my infernal milkshake. I continued eating while she spent time actually thinking about my question. I must have phrased it better than I had on the first day of this iteration.

I usually caution against extreme vocabulary; masticate is something that caught my eye.  I certainly knew what it means at one point, but the last thing you want to do is trip a reader over some word they don't understand.  Yeah, you have a find a balance here, and I know I trend toward a higher vocabulary than most, so I'm not innocent here, either.

As the last day of summer progressed, the pain gnawing at my stomach grew, like miniature Von Neumann machines given no restrictions. The afternoon came and went, as I reviewed this morning.

Which Von Neumann machines are you referring to?

Yuki stared at the food I put in front of her. I took a sip of my milkshake and regretted my adventurism. Cucumber and rasberries were surely components to Mary Shelly's monster.

Her name is Mary Shelley.

I rode off back towards my house. I am pretty certain that Yuki Nagato watched me until I was out of sight.

Reversed word order; earlier you used "Nagato Yuki" instead.

Chapter 2

Spoiler: ShowHide

I lay on my stomach, my covers sprawled at the end of the bed. My head and front arms were hanging over the edge, staring at my cellphone on the ground. I stared at the dark screen like I was expecting a call. I wasn't. I didn't have that same strange sense of Déjà vu I had just two weeks ago. Two weeks ago for the last one thousand fifty-seven years. The years themselves were becoming cumbersome to think. I'd have to start just thinking in Arabic numerals again.

Another dangling modifier.

We were living in an endless summer that only four people could remember, and three of them were only vaguely aware. I just spent the afternoon in what must have been the worst way possible of all the times in all of history. That Haruhi. I swear, one of these times I am just going to snap, and pull a Shining.

Not sure what the last comma here does.  Don't think it's strictly correct.

Not able to stand the idea of watching the world repeat while pretending to enjoy dinner with my family, I grabbed the phone at the floor, and dialed a number impulsively.

Nor here.

She hesitated for a moment, then said, "Sure. Meet me at my apartment."

Is "Sure" too casual for Nagato?

It didn't take long for me to ride my bike to her place. I saw her waiting outside her apartment, dressed in the school uniform, basically Plato's archetype for the poor girl slash humanoid interface. She was more than just an alien trying to fit in with humans. She had spent more time among humans than most castles now.

You can trim down "I saw her waiting" to "She waited" at no loss.  This is a simple trick to get less wordy, avoid "I" in first-person, and keep things moving.

As I pedal closer to her, I get that feeling. That feeling that makes my stomach turn and my eyes burn. Yes. It was déjà vu again.

Kinda getting lost in tenses.  This is a common problem I have with Kyon's narration.  It's not clear (and I don't think Japanese makes it clear) what tense everything should be in.  Personally, I prefer to keep everything strictly in past tense except for general statements of fact.

I break to a stop before the dark haired girl. I asked her, hoping I didn't sound as forlorn as I felt, "I have done this before, haven't I?"

Same kind of thing here; you end up having to switch from present to past.

There it was again, the glimmer of something more than just initiation. The real glimmer of outright personality. Not that I much appreciated it. Yuki looked like she was about to smile, which pretty much means falling over in raucous laughter for anyone else. She shook her head, "No. You stopped me from doing that during the six thousand four hundred and thirty-seventh cycle. "

Suggest "six thousand, four hundred and thirty-seventh", with a comma to separate digit groups.

Yuki walked beside me, "Reference section."

Not a dialogue tag.  We know she's walking beside him.  Suggest just, "Reference section." with nothing else on the line.

She looked past me down the street and pointed.

It's somewhat unusual for the Japanese to point, I'm given to understand.  Perhaps this is acceptable, though.

Chapter 3

Spoiler: ShowHide

We all stepped out of the café, after I paid, of course, and headed our separate ways. I was at the back, and Nagato trailed behind, walking her usual slow pace when she wasn't accompanied by anyone.

This seems like it could use a dash or parentheses to set off "after I paid, of course" since there are already a lot of commas in the sentence.

I was frozen, half in fear and half in awe. Nothing she could say would startle me more, as she opened her mouth to speak, "We are currently experiencing an endless time loop that begins on August Eighteenth and ends on August Thirty-First."

"Thirty-first" not "Thirty-First."

She interrupted me again, "We are currently on the twenty-eight thousand, nine hundred ninty-ninth cycle."

Check for consistency against the novels, but it would be better (I think) to say "nine hundred and ninety-ninth" insteady (and to spell ninety correctly).

"Are you saying that we have been doing the same thing-" Yuki shook her head, appearing to relax a little. Maybe she had been dying to tell someone, and just needed a firm nudge. I relaxed a little too. Going through summer that many times, doing the exact same thing all the time would be insanely hard to believe.

I suggest separating Kyon's dialogue from Nagato's response.

"No, we haven't. Iteration twenty-one thousand and eleven was not started with a visit to the public pool, likewise, there have been seven iterations without the Bon festival. There were three thousand fifteen iterations where Mikuru Asahina did not suggest goldfish scooping. There have been five thousand one hundred thirty-three times without instances of part-time jobs, and our tasks during the job has had seven different variations. We have handed out balloons, stocked shelves, cashiered, cleaned-"

"iterations where" -> "iterations in which".  Previous remarks about separating digit groups with commas apply.  Previous remarks about separating hundreds and following digits with "and" apply.

I put my hand on her shoulder, saying more forcefully than I intended, "Stop. Please stop." I don't want to hear any more of the horror story. A little more softly, I said, "I need a moment to process all of this." I stood there and thought for a little while as the small girl stared up at me, eyes brighter than I have ever seen before. What was this? Was she... eager? Happy to tell someone of this plight? You know, Nagato, you don't have to keep all your problems to yourself.

Switching tenses.  I would suggest, "I didn't want to hear any more of the horror story."

He didn't hesitate, "What kind of problem, may I ask?"

"The kind where we need get together and discuss it. Do you think you could meet me at the park just down from the cafe? I'm going to call Miss Asahina next."

"Sure. May I presume that I will not need to call Miss Nagato?"

I shook my head, "Yuki is with me."

Koizumi sounded a little surprised, "Well. Then I will meet you there in a few minutes."

Three things here are not dialogue tags.  This is the second time you've done this that I've noticed.  Is it something you see often?

I mean, it would be fine if you just put a period after "hesitate" instead of a comma, and ditto with the others.

I hedged a bit, "Well. Probably. Are you free at the moment? I'd like to talk with you, and the others, in private."

She hesitated, "Um, sure, Kyon, where do you want to meet?"

Same here.  You seem to have fallen in love with this.

Koizumi interjected first, "You said that on the phone earlier, but you didn't seem willing to elaborate."

Asahina looked confused, "You never said that there a problem..."

You may need to just search for any string of comma, space, and quotation mark...

I sighed. "Because we aren't in normal space-time... Um. Yuki can explain it better."

This almost seems too sophisticated even for Kyon to parrot back.

Nagato was quiet for a moment, before inserting, "Discovery of the time-plane disruption was not an event that occurred until the one thousand and fifteenth iteration. Since then it has become increasingly common for Haruhi Suzumiya's human companions to notice the time anomaly. It has only been more recently that this cycle has been modified. Nineteen thousand two hundred and fifty times, the time anomaly was noticed and investigated initially by Itsuki Koizumi on the fourth day of those iterations. For the last seventeen iterations including this one, the anomaly was discovered by you," she looked at me, pointedly, "and investigation into possible solutions to escape this time-plane have been initiated on the first day of each time loop."

Ironically, you put an "and" in "one thousand and fifteenth" that I don't think needs to be there.

I'm not going to continue enumerating the repeated "action, "dialogue..."" construction that you have here (that I don't think is correct).  You can decide if you like them or not.

"We can go to my place." Yuki volunteered, standing. She paced off before any objection, walking in that mechanical way she did, like she was following the instructions on how to walk from a book, rather than from personal experience. We followed. It was time to discuss our plan to escape this time-mess.

Ironically, now you put a period where a comma belongs, inside the dialogue. 

"We can go to my place." Yuki volunteered, standing. She paced off before any objection, walking in that mechanical way she did, like she was following the instructions on how to walk from a book, rather than from personal experience. We followed. It was time to discuss our plan to escape this time-mess.

Sounds a bit casual for Nagato?

Chapter 4

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Alright, we have gathered here today, on the twenty nine thousand, six hundred and fourth iteration of summer vacation to discuss options to escape, jolt or otherwise return this time-plane to its natural order."

You lost the hyphen on "twenty-nine".

Asahina spoke up, asking "What have we tried before?"

Comma after "asking".

Chapter 5

Spoiler: ShowHide

I put my shake down, and pushed my food aside, staring intently at Yuki, who refused to meet my eyes. I didn't say anything for a few moments, hoping the pale girl would look at me. She did not. "What can I do to prevent that, Yuki?"

Dangling, dangling modifiers.  This first sentence needs a diagram just to figure out what's talkiung about what.  I suggest:

"I put my shake down and pushed my foot aside.  I stared intently at Yuki, who refused to meet my eyes."

Breaking it up makes it a lot clearer.

I was speechless. I was literally stunned. My heart hurt and my head was filled with a buzzing noise Ryoko Asakura could show up right then and stab me in the gut, and I wouldn't have flinched. It took me a few minutes, before I finally said, "Do you think that makes it alright? What about you?"

You seem to have lost some kind of punctuation after "buzzing noise."  I don't think "I was literally stunned" adds anything.  You could show that he's stunned with, for example, a disorganized or choatic stream of thought process.

"Nothing is inevitable or endless, Yuki Nagato. Come on. I am not going to leave you alone in your apartment tonight. Let's walk around the city a little." She nodded, mute. We stepped into the city until the twilight hour struck, and tomorrow didn't come.

On the morning we gathered to go shopping for yukata, Yuki didn't show up. For a moment, my heart stopped, and I felt a deep sadness. I blinked, and the moment passed. I couldn't figure out what came over me. Yesterday, we parted ways after discussing the events of the summer. Yuki looked... not quite right, and I asked her how she was. She just said, "It will be fine." I was going to ask further, but she had already started walking on.

Should there be some kind of paragraph break here?  To mark the boundary from one loop to the next?  Honestly, I found this passage--which traverses the end of one loop to the beginning of another--very confusing because it goes across so much time in just a few paragraphs.

Chapter 6

Spoiler: ShowHide

I began trekking back to the apartment building, Koizumi in tow. He was a little behind, and had to speed up to get beside me, "Okay. I understand your reasoning. Yuki was my friend too. But, Kyon, what are you going to do?" I slowed down. We were walking past the... scene, and towards the other side of the building, where the main entrance was.

Koizumi would never refer to her by given name.

He shook his head, "Most of the TFEI's live upstairs. I will call my superior and ask." He didn't argue with me anymore.

"He didn't argue..."  Adds nothing.  It's apparent he doesn't argue when he...doesn't argue.

Emiri Kimidori frowned, "Yuki is in the ambulance heading for the nearest hospital. Would you please step inside? I don't think this is the best place for this conversation?" Her voice was wispy and soft, like before, but I could tell she wasn't acting the concerned girlfriend anymore. She stepped back and headed for her living room.

Kimidori also doesn't refer to her by given name.

She shook her head, "I didn't do anything. Neither did my "boss" as you put it."

Nested quotes alternate double and single.  Something like,

She shook her head, "I didn't do anything. Neither did my 'boss' as you put it."

"If you are reading this, then I am currently deactivated. In the case of my self-termination, then it was calculated that you would attempt to threaten the Integrated Data Thought Entity with extinction, by agitating Haruhi Suzumiya's data creation abilities. Please do not. I ask this of you, not because I wish to remain deactivated, but because your efforts are ultimately futile, for in two weeks' time, I will return. I have self-terminated due to an accumulation of errors I can't quantify during the summer's passage of time. You will not remember this, as we have entered an endless recursion of time. We have been repeating the same two weeks of summer thirty-eight thousand seven hundred and twenty-four times. You will have experienced ripple effects in your memory as a result, though you won't remember the details. Through my connection to the Integrated Data Thought Entity, I remember each iteration. However, please do not try to end the cycle until I have had time to-" There was a pause, a gap in the characters here. "recover and return. I would like to be with you when the universe escapes the repeating time-plane. I would like to be able to see September 1st. Any major attempts by you to agitate Haruhi Suzumiya might reduce my chances of making it back. It is my responsibility to observe and protect the group. I have failed. This is all my mistake. I am sorry for causing everyone this stress. I just needed-"

Inconsistency with date writing:  you've usually written out words like "September First."   Asahina would refer to time planes, not Nagato. 

"Is what's in this letter true? Are we in the middle of a recursive time loop?" Emiri nodded, serenely sipping her tea.

I think it's clearer if Kyon's actions and others are separated by paragraphs unless absolutely necessary.

I looked over at him, then stared at the folded sheet, "I believe that we are in a recursion of time. Everything about yesterday was bizarre. I certainly felt like I was watching the same movie for the thousandth time."

"Yes, but..." She sighed, sounding like she deflated, miserable. "Kyon... Nagato... she..."

But Haruhi does refer to her as Yuki...

Koizumi surmised it must have been Haruhi who caused the temporal loop to occur, because only Mikuru, he and I experienced the pain-inducing deja vu. Mikuru couldn't contact the future either, so that ruled out finding out for sure if Yuki Nagato still existed in the future. Of course, getting no answer was more reassuring than a grim answer.

I tried not to think about anything in these last two weeks of summer. I even finished my homework to keep my mind busy. I had never lost a friend like this, and I didn't want to. So Koizumi, Mikuru and I went along with whatever Haruhi asked, hoping that would be sufficient enough to bring our Yuki back when time reverted.

Asahina...

He tilted his head and thought about it. "Well, to be fair, this is more Haruhi's doing than the Integrated Data Thought Entity's. Shouldn't we be waiting outside her house?"

He doesn't call her Haruhi, either...

There was a pause. I wondered if there was actually something wrong. If there was, I would start selling my services as a psychic and make Koizumi take a new class specialization. She finally answered, "I'm good now."

That's funny!  Nicely done.

Chapter 7

Spoiler: ShowHide

Of course, all of that happened thirteen days ago. On August 31st, we tried volunteering at an elementary school at Koizumi's request. Haruhi was happy to run around the school during the morning, but by two O'clock, she was tired of hanging up decorations and scrubbing desks. She dismissed us and we all went home.

"two o'clock".

"Oh? You and Yuki? Would I be... interrupting something?" She seemed uncertain.

Is everybody on a first-name basis now?  It seems like Kyon is with the others, but everyone with everyone else?

I shook my head, "What, like the power of friendship keeps me sane?"

That's very Kyon.

Chapter 8

Spoiler: ShowHide

I gathered my stuff and biked over to her apartment. She let me up and inside. As I removed my shoes and put on the slippers, I asked, "So what can I help you with, Yuki?"

Very quick transition.  I think a break would be appropriate before this.  I think large skips in time or changes in scene should either have enough description to depict the change or should have a break to say to the reader, hey, we're skipping over this.

Chapter 9

Spoiler: ShowHide

Yuki paused, tilting her head to the side, "I can provide you with a direct vocal match, but previous iterations have stated that it is even more unsettling to hear your voice coming from my person." I think Yuki was joking about actually doing this. She couldn't have been joking about it being unsettling. I didn't really want to see voice impressions as done by Yuki.

Now that's a disturbing image.

"Finally, and most importantly, have fun." Yuki nodded along with this, so it must have been important. "It's been more than seventeeen centuries for us. No telling how long it has been for you. We've all become friends, and I mean that. When we got together here on the last day of our cycle, it wasn't just to make a message for your benefit. It was to be together. I am not going to go into some sort of shtick over "bonds beyond time," or some crap. That's Haruhi's gig. But remember to rely on each other. This goes for you especially, Yuki."

Nested quotes again.

Chapter 10

Spoiler: ShowHide

"You are one of my friends too, Itsuki, even if you get on my nerves." He smiled blandly at that, but I could tell it relieved him slightly.

Separation of reactions.

"It wasn't quick. It didn't come to me all at once. I think I started to realize when you began gathering us on the first day. You did care. You weren't just along for the ride. Once you stopped treating it all like a burden, I think I saw what you were doing. You had to play Yin to Haruhi's Yang. The Straight Man in a comedy skit. You may not have realized that you were doing it. I didn't. But your snarky reluctances is a grounding force for everyone here. When things became serious enough because Haruhi was stuck in a rut, you have stepped in to make things right."

Again, Koizumi refers to her by first-name here, which he doesn't do, even if the rest of the Brigade has with each other.

Chapter 11

Spoiler: ShowHide

Right now, Haruhi and Mikuru were battling to the death again on the television. It was sudden ultra-super sudden death mode, as declared by Haruhi. It turned out that once she got into the swing of it, Mikuru was surprisingly adept at button mashing her way to victory.

Tense issue?

As always, please feel free to let me know what about this feedback (if any) was useful to you.  One of the things I worry about is being too narrow-minded and absolutist in my criticism, without letting the author feel comfortable in his or her own approach to storytelling.  Please, feel free to ignore anything you feel works against the story you want to tell.

I hope to get through part 2 by next weekend.  Cheers!

[Ergoemos]

Thanks for taking so much time to actually go through the work and give some excellent suggestions. If anything, I feel guilty for inflicting my unusual writing style on another person. The hardest part for me is letting someone edit the work, and wonder how frustrated they get with all of my grammatical issues.

I really appreciate all the work you put into this critique.

Plot and Structure

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You've told a story in flashes and snippets.  Connections between adjacent chapters are loose, sometimes nonexistent.  I can see how scenes might just occur to you and you'd put them down.  In a lot of ways, things are interchangeable.  There is no sense of progression from a plot standpoint; things simply are as they happen.  Kyon and the others are largely powerless to affect their status in the time loops.  This is a piece about coping with the circumstances and enduring them, I suppose.

The interconnectedness, or lack thereof, was at least mostly intentional. Almost everyone I know who watched the show was pretty much furious about the eight "identical" episodes. I figured I should avoid retread ground by making little to no repetition.

I had trouble creating a stronger connected feeling without ignoring the rules of the original endless eight, that everyone but Nagato loses their memories at the end of each cycle. That, and I wanted to create the illusion that a significant portion of time had passed without repeating scenes again and again.

I do think you missed some opportunities.  In chapter 5, Kyon has to confront Nagato about her impending suicide.  There should be a good opportunity here for Kyon to try to convince her not to kill herself, but we don't see this scene.  It all happens off-screen, perhaps reinforcing the idea that it will ultimately have no impact, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to explore Kyon and Nagato in more detail.

Another missed opportunity is Koizumi's decision not to kill Kyon in chapter 10.  He's already come to the decision, and all of this chapter is him explaining his reasoning.  That makes some sense from Kyon's perspective, but in the process, you never get the sense that Kyon is in danger--perhaps you didn't want us to feel that way.  This should've been a tough decision for Koizumi, given the strength of his feelings.  I think seeing it all happen after the fact considerably blunted any emotional impact the scene had.

These are good points. I definitely imagine that there is some time spent trying to convince Nagato to change her "mind" about suicide that night. I might have to include the scene that he does try. I suppose that I sort of fell to the same logic that seems to be used in the books, that Nagato is pretty much impossible to argue with, since she tends to speak in facts, rather than implications. (I am thinking of scenes like during the Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya, right after Asahina shot a MASER from her eye. Kyon used the wrong word several times, and she continues to correct him, much to his annoyance.) That's not an excuse to exclude an obviously relevant moment in character development.

Showing them argue some would be a good scene to include, just to show they both aren't as totally in sync as I wrote them so far. Its a good idea.

I was trying to keep Koizumi in character for the scene and he doesn't lend to an emotionally charged decision in the heat of the moment. I thought it was more characteristic of him to have made the decision to forgive Kyon in private then do his sprawling apology once he was certain. This is definitely one of the failings of writing only from the perspective of Kyon, and I will have to weigh changing that to give this scene more substance.

There are some inconsistencies.  In chapter 6, Nagato commits suicide, and Kimidori says that Nagato couldn't be given time off because any imitation could be detected, that Nagato can't be away from the Brigade because it leaves them exposed.  Well, Nagato's dead.  Doesn't that leave the Brigade exposed?  This is a minor point in the grand scheme of things since Nagato will ultimately return anyway, but it's one of those nagging ones that demands resolution to justify Nagato reaching that desperate state in the first place.  Annoying, isn't it?  Nagato's remark that she knows she will malfunction (Disappearance) in the future is similarly difficult for me to explain.

Um. You know, I could have sworn there was a line somewhere in this chapter that states that Kimidori is awake and answering the door because she is the one tasked with protecting the Brigade while Nagato is out of commission. Clearly, that needs to be added.

I think overall, the structure of the piece is sound.  As for the plot, there's no real sense of forward momentum, no reason to feel that things will go toward a conclusion.  So, plot isn't really an appeal of the piece--and to your credit, you don't really pretend that it is.  This is the Kyon and Nagato show from beginning to end.  A reader would read the piece for that and happily take in all their cute interactions.  You embraced that (though perhaps you should've advertised the piece as such, to make it hit home).

Good point. I was originally trying to give the impression that there was a possibility they never escape the Endless Eight, when I first wrote this (Part 2 hadn't existed until a couple months after the original writing). I always felt the essence of a Groundhog Day scenario is the lack of momentum overall, so, for good or ill, I stuck with that pacing. I probably should add something about how this is definitely Kyon/Yuki centric somewhere as a warning? A caution? But I didn't want to label my story as being only about them either. I will have to think about it.

Yeah, I definitely went for cute rather than solemn. This story at one point was going to branch into a more horror-y feel, but I didn't feel like taking that route then. Or now, really. The whole situation is horrific enough without emphasizing all the terrible parts.

Characterization and development

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To be honest, I find the characterization development superficial.

You made a big, big point of the Brigade getting closer together over the course of the piece.  One aspect of this was through the use of given names.  I feel this is a superficial sign of closeness rather than a real indicator of growth in the group.

I am going to break this up into a couple sections. I am sorry the development was shallow. Not necessarily comforting to hear for any writer, but I see what you are saying. I think that it could be better, without being so strong that the characters are functionally different people, which is not what I want. There are a couple chapters I can think of right now that would be good to include that might belay some of the relatively weak characterization, but that doesn't fix the original faults now, alas.

I understand the whole name thing being superficial. I think I could have done better in other directions. I was, generally, trying to use what I have learned from anime in general, which is that using a person's first name, rather than the family name, is less formal and considered a sign of being closer. I don't know if this is actually something based in fact, that was just the impression I was getting.

I tried to show how not only was Kyon's dialog including this relatively more personal form of address, but also his internal thoughts. He is inconsistent in his use of first name versus last name for several chapters intentionally, though it might have come off as poor editing. As the chapters go forward in time, he uses Itsuki and Mikuru more often when thinking about them. Its weak, but I didn't want to make a big sign of it either.

Doesn't excuse my lack of other options to show they have bonded, of course. I will think about that.

Kyon and Nagato's relationship is given the most focus; I'll handle that separately.  As far as Kyon and Koizumi, the most significant thing they go through is Koizumi's abortive assassination attempt.  They're already on a first-name basis by this time, and as I mentioned above, I feel that depicting this scene after Koizumi's made the decision not to kill him robs the scene of emotional power.  Perhaps Kyon feels he does understand Koizumi better as a result, but to be honest, he comes off too even-keeled, forgiving Koizumi like nothing happened.

As for Kyon and Asahina, they have a dinner at Nagato's place?  Nothing I would consider a proper event to forge close friends with (or at least to make them any closer than they already are).

As for Koizumi and Kyon, I think that I could have done better emphasizing that they are more friends than enemies after all this time. What I should have done (and might insert, pending an opinion) was given the moment between them on the balcony a sense of deja vu. Looking at it now, I think that the moment would be less nonsensical if this is not the first time that Koizumi has apologized for nearly killing Kyon, nor the first time for Kyon to forgive. That doesn't solve the lack of friendship development in other areas. I might need to add another scene somewhere. I wanted this first part to be Yuki and Kyon centric, but if I am going to make an attempt at including all of the Brigade minions in the character development, I should do a good job of it.

The last statement is likewise relevant to Mikuru's chapter. I should do more, and will think about where to include it.

The general vibe of the piece is kinda understated, which I think is unfortunate.  Since a lot of it is rather warm, you might've been better served going for broke with high-powered cuteness, or even a real depiction of a romantic relationship between Kyon and Nagato, rather than just dancing around it.  The general "everyone in the brigade being friends" vibe is kinda like what Altes was doing with The Link, and I feel rather similarly as a result.  It's nice to see everyone in the Brigade working together and being friendly, but I think it should be appreciated that this is not the state that they're always in--there's at least a little politics and mistrust involved between factions.  They do generally trust each other (through Kyon), but things are a bit more guarded.

Good point. They aren't always complete allies, and that is what makes the dynamic interesting. Its not something I was thinking about at the time of writing the story, and not something I intended to wipe away completely. More food for thought.

Kyon just kinda seems close to (or in love with) Nagato, really.  Nagato slowly acts more human, goes through some suicide attempts, but even that doesn't give us a lot of insight into her character, mostly because she still doesn't understand it for what it is (her letter is filled with all the usual stuff you'd expect in the same vein as Disappearance: phrasing psychological problems as errors, etc.).  Honestly, we know the depths of despair Nagato is capable of reaching.  I would've liked to see some more hope, actually.  Show me Kyon rescuing her from those depths.  Does a trip to the library to surf the internet do that?  I dunno.  It's cool to see, but I don't think it does it.

Kyon's feelings are guarded and insulated from the reader, whcih is of course consistent with his character, but even when Koizumi probes at them, saying that Haruhi loves Kyon but Kyon loves Nagato, Kyon hardly batts an eye, and he doesn't even stop to think about what Koizumi is saying.  He's a little too in-character, given no room to grow beyond the person we're used to seeing.  This could've been a major revelation; or instead, he could've acknowledged that Koizumi was right, yet Kyon already knew all that and so isn't surprised.  There was a lot of potential for insight, none of it pursued.  It could be this is all a drawback of using Kyon as a narrator.  This is his tendency, after all.  I just feel like I have no strong insight into why Nagato should be attracted to Kyon (in this piece, not in general) to the extent that she obviously is, and vice versa.

I'll to work on the "Hope" portion. I don't think that Nagato has any hope anymore, and in a lot of cases, I expected neither do most of them. They don't give up, precisely, but none of them are very confident in a chance for escape either. I want Kyon to give Nagato hope, since you say it now, though. I just want it to happen in a way that doesn't set Yuki up for disappointment and that will be still be meaningful.

As for why they like each other, I already have a scene forming in my head explaining that. Its easy for me, the author, to think of why Kyon and Nagato might be close in the context of my story. I always wonder what they talk about on non-significant "end of summer" dinners. Eight thousand dinners or more spent quietly in each other's company, with some small talk as thoughts came up, seems like a good start. I will have to include a scene where they are just together, not trying to solve a problem.

I do think it is funny that Kyon is being too in-character. I honestly had to rewrite that scene originally when I found I had accidentally almost used the exact same scene in one of the books where Koizumi mentions Kyon's feelings for Haruhi, and Kyon blows him off. Denial, or refusing to think about that sort of thing wasn't where I intended to make Kyon's development show. However, it might make for a better scene if he is grudgingly admitting to something rather than ignoring it completely.

Characterization itself is basically fine.  Kyon acts like Kyon; his message to be passed through Nagato is nailed.  Nagato can grow almost however the author wants and it's in-character as long as it's slow enough and deliberate enough.  I thought working off Kyon's personality for humorous effect was something that improved as the piece went on.

Well, at least I got something spot-on. ;)

Style and Command

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You started off with lots of references, which felt very much like Kyon:  stuff about Von Neumann machines, Mary Shelley, etc.  I noticed this decreased as the story went on.

I got into trouble with the original one-shot chapter wherein multiple people said I had overdone it, so I tried to undershoot from then on, probably too far.

You have a standing issue with dangling modifiers--modifying phrases that get separated from what they modify and lead to unclear sentences.

That would be one of my writing issues I mentioned originally. I will own the faults completely. Sorry you had to wade through so many. I plan on working through your suggestions and using them as a prime guideline for what to look for and avoid.

You seem to have avoided "said" altogether to tag dialogue, in favor of some unusual constructions.  This "He did this, 'Saying this stuff,' " construction is something I have never seen before.  I think you may have gone a bit too far to avoid a common and easily-recognized construction for introducing dialogue.  I definitely ascribe to the theory that the best thing writing can do is get out of the way so that people can enjoy the story.  I admit I make choices that may contradict that tenet (honorifics, for example), but I do feel it's important to be aware of the principle and to consider it.  Every time I saw this construction, it made me imagine you doing backflips over a high bar of "said"s.

I didn't even realize I did this. This is a failing of where I originally learned to write. I did a majority of my writing as a teenager while roleplaying, rather than writing coherent stories. Its no excuse, and it had definitely impeded my overall writing capabilities. I appreciate you pointing it out, so I can be mindful of it and edge towards writing in more normal patterns.

A lot of the apparent inconsistencies with how characters are addressed bug me to no end, but I can definitely appreciate there being some deliberate flipping back and forth to try to depict Kyon and company as uncertain how they should be talking to each other, so that can get a pass.

I do think you could polish your treatment of numbers also.

Good to know. I didn't realize it would bug people. Might have to find a different solution. As for the numbers, I will keep it in mind. I thought I caught most of the mistakes, but apparently not.

Your style is quick and unpretentious on the whole.  You don't spend a lot of time trying to paint a picture of the scene, which is probably for the best in a piece like this, where scenes change quickly anyway.  Better not to get invested too much in a specific place and time, and most of the details would be unimportant anyway.  I think this is an aspect you might have to shake up in a different piece, but for this one, it's perfectly appropriate.  The one place I think it does work against you is in quick scene transitions.  That can be fixed with some appropriate scene breaks, though; I thought it strange you avoided them completely throughout this part.

Your command is excellent.  Aside from that one bit about dangling modifiers, there are no major issues.

Good to know. I will work on adding a few page breaks where appropriate. I didn't use them initially because I didn't remember them much in the books, but looking at novels now, they aren't avoided either. It wouldn't be hard to add them in.

Glad I don't need any major work done in terms of style. I will be working on the dangling modifiers and I know I still have an issue with comma overuse even if it wasn't terribly apparent in this part.

Theme

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It's pretty apparent to me that you intended these first eleven chapters to lead toward a closer, more tightly-knit Brigade (outside of Haruhi).  That definitely seems to be the way things are at the end of the piece.  Beyond that, I don't see anything else to take away from this piece.  One of the best places to get something across would've been the final realization, where Nagato declares the loops have ended.  Here, you picked only the ongoing support Kyon offers to her as the message.

Hmm. Fair enough. I wasn't trying to go for an overarching super-message but I didn't want to bore anyone either. Still, it sounds like you took the ending to be too underwhelming. Will think on this.

Overview

While no sparkling endorsement, I wasn't really looking for one. I enjoy my story enough that this isn't anything that lowers my enthusiasm. I truly honestly wanted to improve my story, so this all pretty much falls into the "helps tremendously section". I am not going to comment on most of the grammar suggestions and corrections below. Nearly all of them will be used.

I, nominally, plan to keep Koizumi using Nagato's name occasionally, as he is supposed to be better friends with her as well. (As a weak counter, I don't ever remember Kyon calling Koizumi by his first name in the books, nor calling Asahina by her first name, even by request.)

Otherwise, all of the comments are exactly what I needed to hear. I have ideas for at least three additional chapters and a couple revisions and additions to other chapters.

Thanks, Muphrid!

[Muphrid]

Don't feel guilty; in all seriousness, I've slogged through some pieces to give feedback that took a ton of effort to get through.  Your piece isn't like that at all.  Everything about it flows together rather easily and effortlessly, actually.  I tend to be guilty of skimming when I read.  I didn't feel I had to do that here.  I think your style of storytelling really worked here because you were able to efficiently get to the stuff that matters and that a reader would be interested in.

And don't be concerned about some of the stuff I said about plot.  I think it's a good thing to stay contained and within oneself and one's abilities.  I tried to write a sci-fi epic at the tender age of 16.  It was awful.  I could point to a couple Haruhi works that have been too ambitious and failed, where the authors would've been well-served keeping things a little less complicated.  Character pieces like this one focus on that important stuff that a writer needs to master before trying to come up with an epic plot or an intricate sci-fi world with a story keeping it all buoyed.

I figured I should avoid retread ground by making little to no repetition.

And thank goodness you did avoid it. Retreading stuff we've already seen is one of the things that bugs me greatly.  You did a really good job of staying with original content here, and I didn't give you enough credit for that.

I was trying to keep Koizumi in character for the scene and he doesn't lend to an emotionally charged decision in the heat of the moment. I thought it was more characteristic of him to have made the decision to forgive Kyon in private then do his sprawling apology once he was certain. This is definitely one of the failings of writing only from the perspective of Kyon, and I will have to weigh changing that to give this scene more substance.

Yeah, it's difficult because it isn't like Koizumi to get heated and lose his cool.  Even in plotting Kyon's murder I think he would be rather composed.  There's not really enough time for him to go crazy, is there?

Maybe the best you could do is have Koizumi be undecided, and he's giving Kyon a chance to change his mind in that scene?  Hmm.  Very tough.  I don't envy you with this.

Um. You know, I could have sworn there was a line somewhere in this chapter that states that Kimidori is awake and answering the door because she is the one tasked with protecting the Brigade while Nagato is out of commission. Clearly, that needs to be added.

It may have been there.  Still, I have to wonder: if Kimidori could step in every so often, then why don't they do that proactively so Nagato doesn't feel like killing herself?

I probably should add something about how this is definitely Kyon/Yuki centric somewhere as a warning? A caution? But I didn't want to label my story as being only about them either. I will have to think about it.

I think nowadays you have have a pairing and in addition list other characters that are relevant; FFN has come a long way really.

I understand the whole name thing being superficial. I think I could have done better in other directions. I was, generally, trying to use what I have learned from anime in general, which is that using a person's first name, rather than the family name, is less formal and considered a sign of being closer. I don't know if this is actually something based in fact, that was just the impression I was getting.

Yeah, it's definitely true that that is the case (about how intimate names are), but I worry it can be used as a shorthand for closeness that isn't really developed.  I will say that it makes sense for it to come up considering that Kyon and Nagato get closer and the others notice that and offer the opportunity to be closer in address as well.  Given that, perhaps it suffices to ensure that Kyon's switch to calling her Yuki is developed sufficiently?  My gut tells me this thing should be a Big Deal (tm) with a lot of focus and attention paid to it, but that's ultimately your call.

Still, it sounds like you took the ending to be too underwhelming.

Sadly, yeah, I'm sorry to say that.  I went in thinking that inviting Haruhi was a new thing they had never tried, and logically Nagato would know that (though perhaps she no longer thinks about what they haven't tried anymore), and she'd have to decide:  does she dare hope that this will break the loop, or does she cynically believe it won't, and therefore there's nothing worth commenting on?

That's kinda what I expected; you breezed through it, and that surprised me.  I'm a big fan of finality, of tying everything up in a bow to make things seem connected and stuff.  I'm the first to admit that not everything can or should fit together so cleanly.  Reality is seldom like that, after all.  Lots of things simply are.  Your ending here gives me that kind of feeling, in a way.  The ordeal ends, and not really due to anyone's deliberate effort, but more like it was a force of nature (as Haruhi is) that finally passed.  Can anyone (save Nagato) really learn anything from that when they don't remember most of it?  Maybe not.

Tough problem there.


I'm glad these comments were useful in some way, rather than merely dour and negative.   I'm looking forward to getting through part 2 and seeing how your style has evolved.  Thanks again for putting this up for consideration.  It's cool to see what other people are writing and to talk about the craft.

[sarsaparilla]

You started off with lots of references, which felt very much like Kyon:  stuff about Von Neumann machines, Mary Shelley, etc.  I noticed this decreased as the story went on.

I got into trouble with the original one-shot chapter wherein multiple people said I had overdone it, so I tried to undershoot from then on, probably too far.

I remember reading the first chapter when it came out, and the conspicuous use of similes was the main issue that distracted me, as well; I even wikied one of them -- a mathematical proof -- and still couldn't infer the intended meaning behind choosing that particular reference, as the most straightforward interpretation appeared quite nonsensical in the context.

However, it isn't the frequency of references that makes them feel contrived -- after all, the Kyon of the original novels is a walking simile. Instead, it is the distribution of topics and specificity. Around 50% of recognizable 'Kyonisms' are non-specific Japanese idioms, and the rest span a wide variety of topics, from Japanese and Chinese literature, culture, mythology and history, to world culture and history, to mathematics and hard sciences. In your work, the distribution was strongly skewed towards the last category, and within that category the choice was towards the more obscure end of the spectrum, making it unlikely that the reader could understand the references without looking them up, which necessarily interferes with the reading experience.

[Ergoemos]

It may have been there.  Still, I have to wonder: if Kimidori could step in every so often, then why don't they do that proactively so Nagato doesn't feel like killing herself?

Would the IDTE do that? Would it care enough? I mean, I get the feeling that the interfaces have some sort of connection between each other, but I am not sure they actually get much parental affection.  Still, its a good enough plot hole to consider addressing.

I think nowadays you have have a pairing and in addition list other characters that are relevant; FFN has come a long way really.

That is definitely the last thing I really want to do. I don't want to make my story only about Yuki and Kyon, and I tend to avoid stories that have those kinds of labels. Especially since Part 2 has far more of everyone involved, and there is going to be even less focus on that in a potential part 3.

Yeah, it's definitely true that that is the case (about how intimate names are), but I worry it can be used as a shorthand for closeness that isn't really developed.  I will say that it makes sense for it to come up considering that Kyon and Nagato get closer and the others notice that and offer the opportunity to be closer in address as well.  Given that, perhaps it suffices to ensure that Kyon's switch to calling her Yuki is developed sufficiently?  My gut tells me this thing should be a Big Deal (tm) with a lot of focus and attention paid to it, but that's ultimately your call.

Alright. Will definitely think about it. I think you are right about developing the Kyon's starting to switch from last to first name.

Sadly, yeah, I'm sorry to say that.  I went in thinking that inviting Haruhi was a new thing they had never tried, and logically Nagato would know that (though perhaps she no longer thinks about what they haven't tried anymore), and she'd have to decide:  does she dare hope that this will break the loop, or does she cynically believe it won't, and therefore there's nothing worth commenting on?

That's kinda what I expected; you breezed through it, and that surprised me.  I'm a big fan of finality, of tying everything up in a bow to make things seem connected and stuff.  I'm the first to admit that not everything can or should fit together so cleanly.  Reality is seldom like that, after all.  Lots of things simply are.  Your ending here gives me that kind of feeling, in a way.  The ordeal ends, and not really due to anyone's deliberate effort, but more like it was a force of nature (as Haruhi is) that finally passed.  Can anyone (save Nagato) really learn anything from that when they don't remember most of it?  Maybe not.

Tough problem there.

The tough problem I had was coming up with a way to leave the time loop that wasn't contrived once I stated that doing homework wasn't the solution. If I came up with some grand super event (my original idea being that they created a giant scavenger hunt for Haruhi), I felt it would have come off as "Look at me make up something more interesting than the original author" and I am not trying to grandstand the original works.

So my solution was basically, make it seem like random luck that Haruhi was distracted in the vital moment of recreating the world. I didn't mind the characters having less control over the actual end of the cycle, as I did want to give the impression they might be trapped forever but not terribly, mindbogglingly, unhappy for it. Obviously, it came off a little to hard like it was just, "oh, and we are done now." Like you said, tough problem. I will see about "whelming" the ending a little just to make it seem more... worthwhile.

I'm glad these comments were useful in some way, rather than merely dour and negative.   I'm looking forward to getting through part 2 and seeing how your style has evolved.  Thanks again for putting this up for consideration.  It's cool to see what other people are writing and to talk about the craft.

Nah, I have seen some of the other critiques posted here, and I had a good idea of what I was getting into. All of it helped in some way, and I like to know that my work isn't as solid as I think it is. That means I have room to grow.

I remember reading the first chapter when it came out, and the conspicuous use of similes was the main issue that distracted me, as well; I even wikied one of them -- a mathematical proof -- and still couldn't infer the intended meaning behind choosing that particular reference, as the most straightforward interpretation appeared quite nonsensical in the context.

However, it isn't the frequency of references that makes them feel contrived -- after all, the Kyon of the original novels is a walking simile. Instead, it is the distribution of topics and specificity. Around 50% of recognizable 'Kyonisms' are non-specific Japanese idioms, and the rest span a wide variety of topics, from Japanese and Chinese literature, culture, mythology and history, to world culture and history, to mathematics and hard sciences. In your work, the distribution was strongly skewed towards the last category, and within that category the choice was towards the more obscure end of the spectrum, making it unlikely that the reader could understand the references without looking them up, which necessarily interferes with the reading experience.

Yep. I have made some significant edits to the first chapter. Half of the references that were there one time had vanished and another couple had been changed completely to get off the science theme. It was something I had done without thinking about, and it had been pointed out with good cause by some of the original readers.

I tried to vary the references up from then on too. I could have added more than I actually did, but I already showed the capacity for overdoing it once, I didn't trust that I wouldn't overdo it again. Bitten once, twice shy and all that.

[Muphrid]

Would the IDTE do that? Would it care enough? I mean, I get the feeling that the interfaces have some sort of connection between each other, but I am not sure they actually get much parental affection.  Still, its a good enough plot hole to consider addressing.

Yeah, that's true.  It's more likely to spell Nagato only when it has to--i.e. when she kills herself and has to be replaced.

[Muphrid]

So it took me a bit longer than a week; quite a bit longer, given my workload, but I manged to set aside a couple days to finish this.

General Comments

Plot and Structure

So part 2 is a little more traditionally structured: not being constrained by the episodic nature of E8 means that you have a chance to tell a more linear story, with progression and development as one might ordinarily expect.  I think this is an opportunity on one hand, but also it exposes some weaknesses of the plot that, in part 1, were more easily overlooked.

Part 2 is about half of the extant story, about 20k words by my count.  The enemy, if there is one, is Haruhi--at least in the sense that the group's attempts to reacclimate to normalcy are impeded by Haruhi's questioning of their behaviors and actions.  This plotline largely relies upon three scenes:  the club room scene in chapter 2, and the two big scenes in chapter 6.  The first of those scenes is better, in my opinion, because it depicts Haruhi noticing the changes in the others' behaviors in a natural setting.  Chapter 6, on the other hand, consists largely of Haruhi telling Kyon what she has discovered, and what is bothering her.  I think these two scenes are weaker because (a) they take place back-to-back, so there is little time to develop other plotlines between them, and (b) they mostly talk about stuff happening off-screen.  That's appropriate to touch base with a storyline while making room for other things, but this feels like it should be a big thing, something that gets focus.

Long story short: I feel like the Haruhi plotline could use one more good beat, spaced out between the first one in chapter 2 and the conclusion in chapter 6.  Not a lot of room to put that between them, I grant, so maybe it would be more appropriate to conclude it later and have chapter 6 be the middle of it.

The plotline with Asahina's superiors and the possible paradox (fault in the time planes, what-have-you) between the present and the future is...to be honest, I'm not sure what it is, or what it does.  Functionally, it seems to enable a change in relationship status so Kyon can feel free to be with Nagato while Koizumi pursues Haruhi.  I'm not really clear why this couldn't have been done without a possible paradox involved, though.  You spoke in author's notes about how this was important to give Asahina more agency.  I don't disagree, but I worry this element has no other function but to accomplish that.

Nagato's plotline--being away from the Brigade for about a week, and then returning--is also a missing a few beats, I think.  The first major interaction with her in this part is her return and the subsequent meeting without Haruhi.  Then, we get a beat during Haruhi's chapter (6) about Nagato being really stunned over even the possibility of summer beginning again.  This leads to Nagato's confession.  Again, these happenings and events don't really feel connected, don't feel like they flow into one another.  Because Nagato returns as expected, there's no drama there.  Because Kyon knows about it in advance, there's no drama there.  Given that Nagato's near-breakdown at Haruhi's remark happens off-screen, its impact is lessened significantly.

So I think there's a good bit that can be tightened up here.  Right now, I feel like the puzzle pieces fit rather loosely.  Most of the last chapter, with a glossed-over rundown of things that happened slightly differently compared to canon, felt a little showy--in that you're trying to convince the audience you've thought of all these divergences and how they should happen.  It shows some intelligence, but I'm not sure a lot of these were interesting enough.  I don't think Kyon should hit every one of those in mentioning--probably just one would do plenty.  Timing between these events also feels a little compressed.

Characterization and development

Five brigade members, five characters to discuss.  Let's start with the big one: Kyon.  You made a big point about Kyon (and to an extent, everyone other than Haruhi) coming back different from the loops.  For a time, I was really concerned that you were telling the audience this too much, vs. giving Kyon opportunities to show that he'd changed.  I felt persuaded over the course of the story, though.  The dissonance Kyon felt over his own shift in personality felt believable.  I have no huge issues with Kyon in that respect.

Koizumi, Asahina, and Nagato fare less well, however.  Without the benefit of Kyon's own confusion and questioning of behavior, it's harder to feel at-ease with the others.  Asahina, in particular, seems quite different from her usual self--much more proactive and assertive.  I think a healthy dose of surprise and uneasiness on Kyon's part at seeing this new Asahina would help persuade the audience this is really her.  Koizumi, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have changed quite as much: he's more willing to discuss some matters that he left aside before, perhaps becuase Kyon is in turn more willing to engage those matters.

Nagato, for her part, came off very chatty.  Given what sars discovered in analyzing Tanigawa's style, I think some of her dialogue should probably be trimmed.  Given little to actually do, I think Nagato suffers from being reduced to a love interest, or someone that Kyon feels protective of.  She's not really given opportunity to assert herself.  It's cute to see her and Kyon together, but that's really all they do together.

And then, there's Haruhi.  Haruhi is probably about right in terms of how she's painted--as I say below, I thought Kyon's observation about Haruhi's level of culpability for E8 and how that reflects on her moral core was very apt.  She was nuanced enough to have some doubts about how she treats the Brigade while still going with the way she usually does things, since that's how people usually operate:  out of habit.  Kyon's interaction with her was pretty apt, despite my reservations about how those scenes are constructed.

I do have some issues about particular events:  Kyon admitting his feelings (or rather, at the least admitting Haruhi's feelings toward him) is a Big Deal, but I think the topic is short-changed by getting only a paragraph or two.  There's danger here:  I think this is the kind of scene that a lot of people imagine happening at some point or another, and as a result, there's more skepticism about how it plays out.  I'm not sure if Kyon should be more resistant to the direction of the conversation or should simply spend more time thinking on how he's changed and how this makes him more comfortable confronting this topic.  It might even be better suited to happening after the whole meeting is over.

I also thought it very odd that Kyon would go to such lengths to assure Haruhi that they are all her friends and such, but the idea of including her in the concluding get-together in chapter 8 doesn't seem to be considered.  Even if it means keeping up a facade around her (to keep the truth of those events unknown), I found it very odd the idea wasn't even considered.  It undercuts what Kyon's trying to do:  keep the Brigade together.

I do like how Kyon was depicted in this part as a whole, realizing how much he's changed and depicting him reasonably.

Style and Command

Nothing general to say here, really.  I overlooked some of the RP-style dialogue tags in deference to sars's comment that Tanigawa (or at least, some of the English translators) used similar constructions.

I do feel generally that the overall narrative was more fleshed out than part 1, but I can't point to a specific thing.

Theme

Like part 1, I feel this part emphasized the coping process over anything more specific.  It's very reactive in that sense.  The idea of how people have changed in response to a traumatic event is quite apt here, though I do question how much E8 could be considered traumatic for anyone other than Nagato.

You've taken great pains to emphasize the friendship of the Brigade. It's being tested with Haruhi still being out of the loop.  I think that's something I'd be interested in seeing pursued.  How does friendship change and adapt when people are forced to endure and change themselves?

Chapter-by-chapter stylistic suggestions, factual corrections, etc.

Chapter One

Spoiler: ShowHide

"I'm sorry, but it is inevitable... I will leave this planet, but not before killing everyone for all that I have suffered." Yuki stared down at me from the top of the steps leading up to the shrine, eyes dark and emotionless. Only the faint tremor, a whisper of something more, hid the emotion she was trying not to convey.

Perhaps consider a faint tremor instead; sometimes I wonder, when reading things described in this way, if someone will read it and ask, "what faint tremor? am I supposed to know about this already?"

I dunno, somehow I got the idea that "the" tells the audience about something they should already know exists, while "a" or "an" tells them about something they may not know about already.  It's a uniqueness thing?

"Actually, Haru- Miss Suzumiya, if I may interject, I have an idea." We all looked at Itsuki from where he stood on the hill, the tripod angled so the camera would be level. "If we get a few shots of Mikuru on the stairs, we can use part of this shot and the retake together, and no one would notice."

I dunno if Koizumi would make this slipup.  Haruhi didn't share in the increasing closeness of the Brigade, after all.

"Um, guys? Can I get up? These stairs hurt..." Mikuru called out from behind me, having been laying on them this entire time. She had been the moaning girl in the background. She was currently dressed in a nurse's outfit

Lost a period at the end.  "guys" sounds too casual for Asahina.  Perhaps there's a way to spice up the description of the nurse outfit?  I could imagine Kyon snarking on how Haruhi put Asahina in a nurse uniform with a hat, even though no real nurse wears such a thing anymore?  I dunno.

I glanced sidelong at Haruhi, who was still shouting directions at the poor beleaguered Mikuru, "Um... sure. Is there something wrong?"

She shook her head mechanically, but her voice was low, with some emotion I couldn't grasp, "No, but it's important."

This RP-inspired dialogue tag again.

Well that settled it. "Absolutely. At seven? We should be finished shooting for the day by then." It was less than two weeks until the Cultural Festival. I was a little nervous that we wouldn't have enough time to edit the story properly- my job, of course- but Haruhi was unconcerned, and we seemed to be finished with most of the scenes. All and all, the movie was going spectacularly well, with all of us giving it our all.

I would usually split the descriptive narration away from the dialogue unless it is absolutely needed to clarify.  I think this passage is also missing a key reaction from Nagato, her response to Kyon here.  If she has no response, maybe it would be better for Kyon not to say anything and to merely start thinking, which would lead into the narration and description of the situation better.  Description goes well with setting the stage for a decision, but here, he's already decided.

"Kyon! Get back into position! We need to reshoot your scene while the light is perfect! Get up there! Koizumi! Camera to position two! Mikuru, you are good down there." We all bustled back into position, and I strained to make sure I didn't forget my lines. Mikuru shifted a little, and Haruhi told her to move back.

This is the second time (at least) that you use the word "bustled."  I think you fell in love with it a bit.

"We have to make sure the shot is consistent! It's not enough to have a good movie, but I hate it when I can spot missing details when scenes change. Yuki, half a foot to the left. Kyon! Ugh... That will have to do. You are walking me home. We need to talk about your delivery. It sucks! Alright! Ready?! Action!"

Hmm...Kyon doesn't even seem to know where Haruhi lives until he accidentally put into/above her bed in Surprise.  It seems likely that he would know already if Haruhi were likely to force him to walk her home in general.

Chapter Two

Spoiler: ShowHide

Of course, we all skipped the first day of classes, to finish up our homework and to rest after our late night festivities. My parents were not too happy, but Haruhi somehow convinced our teachers that we had all been sick. Maybe she just intimidated them into accepting her "truth". I asked Itsuki, but he just gave me a cryptic look and smug grin.

Including Haruhi?  In vanilla E8, she had her homework done ages ago.

Mikuru and I tried desperately to look busy for the remaining of the club time, while Haruhi angrily ruminated. The brigade's dark lord finally left, without a word.

This seems like a rather cynical and negative description of Haruhi.

And Haruhi was Haruhi. If the others were right, she was in some way responsible for it all, but she was almost... left behind in all the changes that had happened. It was going to be a problem if we four seemed like better friends with each other than with Haruhi, and she noticed. I didn't know what to do. Maybe I ought to get everyone together to talk about it.

It does seem very unlike Kyon to worry about such things in such an even-keeled manner with respect to Haruhi.  Usually he's being rather standoffish with his own feelings toward her; perhaps his feelings for Nagato are removing that block from him and allowing him to treat Haruhi more as a friend, more like anyone elese in the brigade.

I smiled, "You actually are much better. I only missed two of those points. I get what you are saying though. Basically, your supervisors are acting on information that is no longer valid, which is impossible, because they are acting on history that no longer exists." I thought of one person I thought of as her supervisor, Big Asahina, and frowned. What did this mean? That the Asahina from the future has different memories than this one? Wouldn't that be a paradox, as Big Asahina would only exist as she does because of current Asahina's actions. Normally I would have given up on finding a solution, but I grasped at a few straws.

I'm not sure I can agree with the interpretation of time-travel and continuity of history in the series.  I interperted things quite differently: that while details on an individual time plane may change, the overall thrust of history is unchanged by these small deviations in details.  For Asahina, I would read that as saying that it doesn't really matter if she was stuck in the loop for 600 years vs. quite a bit longer.

Now that said, I suppose this could apply to big details...

Chapter 3

Spoiler: ShowHide

Yuki didn't show up for classes like I expected. I sent her a couple emails while she was gone to tell her about my probably ill-thought out story. Fortunately, she was waiting in the clubroom, like always, after classes had ended. She sat in her corner chair, halfway through turning a page of some newly released novel. As I watched her, some invisible, immeasurable weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I don't know what it was.

The first sentence makes it sound like Kyon expected her to show (this seems kinda like a dangling modifier?).  I would either put a comma after "classes" or start the sentence with "As I expected, Yuki didn't show..."

gquote]He took a moment to get my meaning. "Ha. No." He shook his head, "No "part-time job" today. Haruhi was more annoyed and surprised than anything more serious."[/quote]

Nested quotes.

Chapter 4

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Well... we made it out. But we aren't quite in the clear. I have four issues we need to at least consider. Better now than later, before they come tumbling down on us like the Tower of Babel."

The other three looked at me with various degrees of surprise. I was a little insulted that Mikuru looked the most speechless. I scoffed and pulled out my phone. "I even have a list."

Their expressions didn't change. "Whatever. Listen. First topic: How are you doing Yuki?"

I find this part--this is Kyon speaking all 3 times, right?--a bit confusing.  Paragraphs should change when speakers/actors change, or most often this should be the case, to make clear who is doing what and to maintain the flow of actions and responses to those actions, or something.  Here, you mix the others' reactions with Kyon's dialogue twice at least, and as a result, sometimes I expect it to be someone else speaking when it's really just Kyon responding to their reactions.

As soon as the waitress left, we all turned back to Yuki. "I am doing better. I was not as heavily reprimanded as I expected. The Integrated Data Thought Entity had done more than shut down the other available interfaces, but had begun sequestering large portions of its own data into stasis, in preparation for an unpredictable extension of time in the distorted plan we were trapped in. As a result, it was not prepared for a return to normal space time, and spent much of my break examining my data and reacquiring its own lost segments."

"distorted plan"?  What does this mean?

Yuki looked up at Mikuru, surprised but not ungrateful. Itsuki next chimed in, "It sounds like you are dealing with trauma and flashbacks, Yuki. People who experience horrible accidents or who participate in war will find themselves returning to the memories against their volition. In some people, it can trigger violent reactions or catatonia."

Is this in Asahina's character: to be some composed and assuring in a specific sense?  I can understand her being generally supportive, but it seems like you've written her stronger than she's usually depicted.  Not that that's a bad thing in general, but I can't quite follow how we got from the character she usually is to the character she's become.  This also suggest a background in dealing with soldiers or other people prone to PTSD.  Perhaps time agents are in need of such training as part of their job, but it's not something we really get a glimpse of behind Asahina's usual personality.

"Yuki. It isn't an error state. You aren't full of errors or mistakes. You are experiencing a rush of emotions. You told us that you had entered "error states" before, in the time loop, but you wouldn't describe them." I looked to Itsuki at my left, and Mikuru across from him, then back to Yuki, "You aren't error-ing, or whatever. You are having an emotional breakdown because you weren't prepared to live for more than a thousand years in the same place. Nothing that experiences time like a human is prepared for something like that. It is nothing to be ashamed of."

This seems...almost too canny.  I don't put it past Kyon to assume Nagato has emotions, but Koizumi might reasonably question whether Nagato's expressions and actions do constitute emotions, whether the humanoid interfaces are even capable of such feelings or merely capable of emulating them.  Perhaps it doesn't fit with the story you've told so far about the brigade coming closer, but my concern remains: Kyon seems awfully certain of things.  Perhaps it's not a problem for him to be certain, but the others--especially Nagato--accept his explanation quite quickly.  I could easily envision Nagato arguing that emotions are impossible for her, that she wasn't designed to have them.

Yuki shook her head, "I requested that be able to have privacy time as long as I upload the entire cache data to the entity later. It acquiesced."

This sentence reads kinda garbled.  What is the reason behind Nagato's request here?

Chapter 5

Spoiler: ShowHide

Itsuki paused to look at the girls. Mikuru, who didn't quite see where this was going, nodded hesitantly, and Nagato said nothing, but stared back at him without flinching. "Alright. Let me be blunt. Haruhi is noticing the shift in our personalities. She sees the changes. She sees-" He paused to look between Nagato and I, "that she now has two romantic rivals. She might like you both, but she wants Kyon for herself. Yuki, you used to be a non-entity, if you forgive me the term. Now she knows that you are a damsel in distress that has somehow gotten far closer to Kyon than even she has. Haruhi might be willing to deal with Mikuru for the next year and a half until she graduates, because she likes what Mikuru brings to the table. But now a dark horse has entered the race. One she can't intimidate into submission."

"Two" romantic rivals?  Surely only Nagato is a rival here?  Kyon can't be a rival for himself, right?  Or you mean that Asahina was a rival before?

If the latter, I would reword this to say something like "a new romantic rival" and only have Koizumi glance at Nagato first, to make clear he's talking about just her.

The table was silent. Mikuru was blushing and looking at her drink. Yuki didn't break her ice-cold stare towards Itsuki. My jaw was set trying not to blather my excuses about how it wasn't fair, how I didn't like Haruhi like that, or how this was stupid issue to begin with. None of the excuses were true, but for the one about fairness. The world wasn't fair, and I had a particularly volatile and singularly powerful girl who liked me.

And so in a single paragraph, Kyon's obliviousness has broken down to the point where he's acknowledging Haruhi's feelings for him.  This is, well, surprisingly fast.  Refreshing on one level, but I do wonder if Kyon could be broken down so easily.

"Listen, Itsuki. Why does Haruhi even like me? It's not like I am very interesting outside of the club. I don't have any special powers and if it weren't for her, I wouldn't believe in any of the crap she does." I shook my head, "I am just the completely normal cynic in the group, like in any other paranormal story. I am the guy who says, "This is impossible" just before the horror story offs me." I push my half-finished dessert away, unable to finish it. "All I do is complain. What does she see in that?" I have to force myself not to clench my teeth and glare back at Itsuki. I was asking him this seriously. He needed to say it.

It takes 3 whole sentence for us to get to realizing that Kyon is the one speaking here.  I think that may be too much.  And to be honest, that Kyon feels some disbelief here, rather than earlier, feels a bit out of place.  He's already acknowledged her feelings.  Isn't the time to question them a bit earlier?  Or is it just that they're entertaining the idea of matching Koizumi up with Haruhi?

My stomach roiled; the thought of him starting to pursue Haruhi with more determination did sit well. Something between angry and possessive. Jealous? What did I have to be jealous of? Why would seeing Itsuki and Haruhi together make me want to scream? Do I like Haruhi that much? Or have I just become accustomed to her attention?

That would seem to be borne out in this paragraph, but again, Kyon's reaction seems out of place.  He's just asked Koizumi a question; the thing that should happen next is a response to that question.  Instead, Kyon is withdrawing into himself to question his own motives.  I think that would be a better reaction to something Koizumi says that would expose these conflicting feelings and thoughts.  As it is, that Kyon digresses into this thought process feels a little unconnected to what came before.

I shook my head, "So what? They can't remove you from the group. We will hunt them down like we would Yuki's boss. Break character. Let's see more of Classic Itsuki Koizumi."

Hunt them down?  Kyon's awfully confident.  He doesn't seem to worry about getting Haruhi on his side to do that--which is probably right.

Chapter 6

Spoiler: ShowHide

The thing was, I didn't really have an answer for her, or for myself. I, for one, wasn't quite as afraid of her as I otherwise used to be. Before, her reaction to what I did had always been at the back of my mind, especially after that dream set in the school. Now... I felt more distance between us. I was less... ensorcelled by her antics. I think the other humans in our group, Koizumi especially and Mikuru to a lesser extent, had, in some way or another, forgiven her already for the summer. I don't think Mikuru could hold a grudge, for one. I couldn't read Yuki, and didn't feel comfortable guessing at answers because they were inevitably not kind.

Was Kyon ever afraid of her?

I sighed, "So is that what we are, Haruhi? Roles? Are we your playthings?"

Reference to original Sigh, check.

I don't think I did enough to quite sooth her fears, and I hadn't, as I found out a month later during the filming of the movie.

Soothe.

I shrugged. "No idea. She sounded concern, so it might be something to do with her family. I hope not. That sort of thing worries me."

Concerned.

Chapter 7

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Synchronizing with my future self is not quite time travel. Nor is all data sent from the future to the past. It is very complicated. It would be easiest to say that only relevant information was sent back into the past, so as to avoid creating a paradox, or to avoid removing my agency as is the case for human time travelers. If I knew exactly how the next three years would continue, then I could not make decisions. I did not expect to see Haruhi. And I did not expect to see you enter the classroom. It would be my second encounter with you, in my personal experience, but it was your first encounter with me, in your personal experience."

But removal of agency--the curse, if you will, of predestination--is precisely why Nagato refuses to synchronize with herself when she travels back in time to Disappearance-time in book 7, isn't it?

Oh. Ooooh. This was... oh good grief. I am not prepared for this sort of thing. I'm a freshman in high school! Wasn't this sort of thing supposed to happen in my senior year, after years of bonding? Well, I suppose we have more years of bonding than any normal friendship, but I couldn't remember more than two weeks of it.

I don't know anyone who's gone to a 3-year high school, but terminology ("freshman") seems very problematic here, as the year of school Kyon is in would most often correlate to a sophomore in a 4-year high school.

...and this is why some people duck the problem altogether and just refer to them as first-years.

Of course, I was sitting here, a little dumbfounded, and I really ought not leave her waiting like that. Already, her face had slid from one-fourth mildly terrified, to something closer to two-fifths.

Sitting here?  Sitting there?

Chapter 8

Spoiler: ShowHide

The movie was... pretty good. I wasn't too ashamed of my presence in the movie, and while we had to spend three twelve hour days editing the work, it was worth it. The school seemed to dig it too. Apparently it was widely regarded that Yuki was an ice queen or something, and to see her play an emotional role was a huge surprise. What was even more amazing was when Haruhi took over the guitar and vocals for ENOZ, a band our school's music club produced. I had no idea that Itsuki could play drums.

Suggest "twelve-hour days," hyphenation of adjectives and whatnot.

The next day, we had our belated Halloween party, hosted by Tsuruya, in her family's mansion. Everyone came: the brigade, Kunikida, Taniguchi, my sister and even the computer club. They to be waiters, poor fellows. Yuki even brought a friend, the pale haired girl Emiri Kimidori. They dressed in matching witch outfits, which sent Haruhi all atwitter. She couldn't figure out why Emiri and the computer club president, whom I must learn the name of, weren't talking. She finally decided on an answer and warned Itsuki not to get involved in the lover's spat when Haruhi thought everyone else was out of earshot.

"They to be waiters"?  HuH?  Kyon should probably refer to "Emiri" as "Kimidori".

I think the most miraculous event though, was when Itsuki, in a moment of weakness, asked me for advice on dating Haruhi halfway through November. I gave him all of my sage advice, don't worry. For some reason, he didn't seem to think my toothy smirk depicted the kind of honest wisdom he was looking for. I don't think he will ask me again, but it was nice to not be the butt of one of his jokes for once.

Comma after "event".

Yuki never responded, so I pulled out my phone and composed a text to Koizumi:

And we're back to "Koizumi" again?

[Anonymouse]

I read both stories and enjoyed them. (I'm not so good at criticism, but I'll try...)

The vignettes of the the first story are good, but there are gaps (perhaps by design, I recognize). It wasn't clear to me how (or how much) knowledge is carried over between iterations - Yuki of course remembers everything, and they have the "deja-vu sense", but based on the way they interact more than that seems to carryover. Because of that it makes it hard to judge how and why they are developing their friendships.

There's not a lot of conflict/tension/suspense in either story (again perhaps by design), and even moments where it exists (Koizumi and the sniper) are very low-key. So there are no lows, but no highs either. Kind of "just a bunch of stuff that happened" (to borrow a phrase).

I feel I'm being too negative, since I enjoyed the stories - I like your writing style and where you took the characters.

[Ergoemos]

General Comments

Plot and Structure

Spoiler: ShowHide

 

So part 2 is a little more traditionally structured: not being constrained by the episodic nature of E8 means that you have a chance to tell a more linear story, with progression and development as one might ordinarily expect.  I think this is an opportunity on one hand, but also it exposes some weaknesses of the plot that, in part 1, were more easily overlooked.

Part 2 is about half of the extant story, about 20k words by my count.  The enemy, if there is one, is Haruhi--at least in the sense that the group's attempts to reacclimate to normalcy are impeded by Haruhi's questioning of their behaviors and actions.  This plotline largely relies upon three scenes:  the club room scene in chapter 2, and the two big scenes in chapter 6.  The first of those scenes is better, in my opinion, because it depicts Haruhi noticing the changes in the others' behaviors in a natural setting.  Chapter 6, on the other hand, consists largely of Haruhi telling Kyon what she has discovered, and what is bothering her.  I think these two scenes are weaker because (a) they take place back-to-back, so there is little time to develop other plotlines between them, and (b) they mostly talk about stuff happening off-screen.  That's appropriate to touch base with a storyline while making room for other things, but this feels like it should be a big thing, something that gets focus.

Long story short: I feel like the Haruhi plotline could use one more good beat, spaced out between the first one in chapter 2 and the conclusion in chapter 6.  Not a lot of room to put that between them, I grant, so maybe it would be more appropriate to conclude it later and have chapter 6 be the middle of it.

Long story short, I agree. Like with part one, it feels like there is something missing. It's all disjointed, and I don't have the excuse of just using tidbits from random moments of an E8 sequence. This goes for all of part 2's faults.

The Haruhi chapter needs some serious work. They are weaker because they are so conjoined. I need a chapter or two of events between them, so they seem more impactful than wasted, side by side.

The plotline with Asahina's superiors and the possible paradox (fault in the time planes, what-have-you) between the present and the future is...to be honest, I'm not sure what it is, or what it does.  Functionally, it seems to enable a change in relationship status so Kyon can feel free to be with Nagato while Koizumi pursues Haruhi.  I'm not really clear why this couldn't have been done without a possible paradox involved, though.  You spoke in author's notes about how this was important to give Asahina more agency.  I don't disagree, but I worry this element has no other function but to accomplish that.

This element, as it stands, really doesn't have any other function. For now, it is just a bit to an AU that I wanted, so that Mikuru doesn't have to follow a script. I will fully own it as a fault of my self-gratification.

In Part 3, should I feel up to it, this will end up being the driving force of the plot. I always had an inkling of part 3, and I wanted to lay the ground works early.

This actually has nothing to do with the Kyon/Nagato and Koizumi/Haruhi dynamic. I haven't come across anything in the canon, thus far, that implies that "young" Mikuru knows for a fact that Haruhi and Kyon get together. It is just heavily implied everywhere. Maybe I shouldn't have spent the time to explain that it wasn't explicit in canon, nor in explicit in my story.

The reason I did explain it is that I was trying to fill the big plot hole made by "Hey, weren't they just talking about a paradox in time? Now Koizumi is going to actively pursue Haruhi? Doesn't that seem kind of, um, stupid?" I wanted to make it clear that the broken timeline has nothing to do with the odd pairings.

Nagato's plotline--being away from the Brigade for about a week, and then returning--is also a missing a few beats, I think.  The first major interaction with her in this part is her return and the subsequent meeting without Haruhi.  Then, we get a beat during Haruhi's chapter (6) about Nagato being really stunned over even the possibility of summer beginning again.  This leads to Nagato's confession.  Again, these happenings and events don't really feel connected, don't feel like they flow into one another.  Because Nagato returns as expected, there's no drama there.  Because Kyon knows about it in advance, there's no drama there.  Given that Nagato's near-breakdown at Haruhi's remark happens off-screen, its impact is lessened significantly.

Definitely need some more work, especially with chapter 6. I see what you mean about Nagato's near-breakdown being less impactful.
The hardest part about trying to stick to the general Tanigawa style is only using Kyon's perspective. That means Kyon has to be present at all the interesting events, which is generally how the books go, or there have to be scenes relayed to him and the audience in some other way.

I don't know if that means I should stray from the novel's style, and reconsider a lot of my story from the perspectives that bring up, or I should better balance what scenes that Kyon is present in.

So I think there's a good bit that can be tightened up here.  Right now, I feel like the puzzle pieces fit rather loosely.  Most of the last chapter, with a glossed-over rundown of things that happened slightly differently compared to canon, felt a little showy--in that you're trying to convince the audience you've thought of all these divergences and how they should happen.  It shows some intelligence, but I'm not sure a lot of these were interesting enough.  I don't think Kyon should hit every one of those in mentioning--probably just one would do plenty.  Timing between these events also feels a little compressed.

I was worried it was showy. Glad to have a second opinion. I will go head and trim it some.

Characterization and development

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Five brigade members, five characters to discuss.  Let's start with the big one: Kyon.  You made a big point about Kyon (and to an extent, everyone other than Haruhi) coming back different from the loops.  For a time, I was really concerned that you were telling the audience this too much, vs. giving Kyon opportunities to show that he'd changed.  I felt persuaded over the course of the story, though.  The dissonance Kyon felt over his own shift in personality felt believable.  I have no huge issues with Kyon in that respect.

Glad I didn't miss the mark too badly with Kyon. I was worried I had seemed like I was trying too hard, what with his monologues about it nearly every chapter.

Koizumi, Asahina, and Nagato fare less well, however.  Without the benefit of Kyon's own confusion and questioning of behavior, it's harder to feel at-ease with the others.  Asahina, in particular, seems quite different from her usual self--much more proactive and assertive.  I think a healthy dose of surprise and uneasiness on Kyon's part at seeing this new Asahina would help persuade the audience this is really her.  Koizumi, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have changed quite as much: he's more willing to discuss some matters that he left aside before, perhaps becuase Kyon is in turn more willing to engage those matters.

Yeah, this is definitely a heavy carry over from part one. I need more time with Asahina and Koizumi to demonstrate that they were also affected by the passage of time. Right now all they have are vague characterization changes and Kyon's "informed opinion" to provide to the audience.

Nagato, for her part, came off very chatty.  Given what sars discovered in analyzing Tanigawa's style, I think some of her dialogue should probably be trimmed.  Given little to actually do, I think Nagato suffers from being reduced to a love interest, or someone that Kyon feels protective of.  She's not really given opportunity to assert herself.  It's cute to see her and Kyon together, but that's really all they do together.

Good points. I was honestly trying to do something a little different, to stand out amongst most every other fanfiction. I guess it didn't come out organically in the reading, but instead of becoming more closed off, Nagato was supposed to be a bit more outgoing and interactive, simply because she already has spent centuries being passive backdrop. I wish I had better conveyed the changes to her during my story.

And then, there's Haruhi.  Haruhi is probably about right in terms of how she's painted--as I say below, I thought Kyon's observation about Haruhi's level of culpability for E8 and how that reflects on her moral core was very apt.  She was nuanced enough to have some doubts about how she treats the Brigade while still going with the way she usually does things, since that's how people usually operate:  out of habit.  Kyon's interaction with her was pretty apt, despite my reservations about how those scenes are constructed.

Thanks. I now wish I had been more bold, or less reserved in how I used Haruhi. She is, essentially, the character around whom the story revolves. Part of improving myself is going back and re-examining how she should be, as part of the story.

I do have some issues about particular events:  Kyon admitting his feelings (or rather, at the least admitting Haruhi's feelings toward him) is a Big Deal, but I think the topic is short-changed by getting only a paragraph or two.  There's danger here:  I think this is the kind of scene that a lot of people imagine happening at some point or another, and as a result, there's more skepticism about how it plays out.  I'm not sure if Kyon should be more resistant to the direction of the conversation or should simply spend more time thinking on how he's changed and how this makes him more comfortable confronting this topic.  It might even be better suited to happening after the whole meeting is over.

I also thought it very odd that Kyon would go to such lengths to assure Haruhi that they are all her friends and such, but the idea of including her in the concluding get-together in chapter 8 doesn't seem to be considered.  Even if it means keeping up a facade around her (to keep the truth of those events unknown), I found it very odd the idea wasn't even considered.  It undercuts what Kyon's trying to do:  keep the Brigade together.

Points taken. I think I could have done Kyon's admission a little better. As for the final scene happening without Haruhi, I understand what you mean. I had two major issues with that from my perspective. It would have been tricky to explain the situation to Haruhi in the first place. Secondly, Kyon already slightly blames Haruhi for what happened in Endless Eight, and doesn't know how Yuki feels about the brigade leader who caused two millennia of torturous monotony. Given that this was supposed to be the climax of her coping, (much like the night wherein canon!Yuki changed the universe) I didn't see how having Haruhi be there would make it easier on her.

I do like how Kyon was depicted in this part as a whole, realizing how much he's changed and depicting him reasonably.

Well, I definitely had the most time with Kyon to demonstrate his changes, so it's good that I got that much done right.

Style and Command

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Nothing general to say here, really.  I overlooked some of the RP-style dialogue tags in deference to sars's comment that Tanigawa (or at least, some of the English translators) used similar constructions.

I do feel generally that the overall narrative was more fleshed out than part 1, but I can't point to a specific thing.

Good to be aware of. I definitely will be reviewing Sars's analysis before I get back into writing it all again.

Theme

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Like part 1, I feel this part emphasized the coping process over anything more specific.  It's very reactive in that sense.  The idea of how people have changed in response to a traumatic event is quite apt here, though I do question how much E8 could be considered traumatic for anyone other than Nagato.

You've taken great pains to emphasize the friendship of the Brigade. It's being tested with Haruhi still being out of the loop.  I think that's something I'd be interested in seeing pursued.  How does friendship change and adapt when people are forced to endure and change themselves?

Well, in the canon, they did reference headaches and pain from moments of déjà vu. There would be a certain operant conditioning that would steer them away from doing the same thing too many times, even if it was inconsistent and short. My original premise played a lot more with this idea than the final version.

I didn't really play with this much, mostly because I didn't spend time going over events that were already well-over tread, so to speak. It was referenced once or twice I think, but not emphasized as a main theme.

Summary
Thank you so much for the excess of good analysis and thoughtful comments. I will be using most of the stuff you mentioned in the chapter level analysis. I appreciate it. I don't think it needs to be gone over in detail because all of it is basic level stuff that I didn't catch in my initial editing or simply didn't parse very well in my writing.

Thank you again for all the effort you put into this. I really appreciate it all. I hope it wasn't too onerous a task overall.

[Ergoemos]

I read both stories and enjoyed them. (I'm not so good at criticism, but I'll try...)

The vignettes of the the first story are good, but there are gaps (perhaps by design, I recognize). It wasn't clear to me how (or how much) knowledge is carried over between iterations - Yuki of course remembers everything, and they have the "deja-vu sense", but based on the way they interact more than that seems to carryover. Because of that it makes it hard to judge how and why they are developing their friendships.

There's not a lot of conflict/tension/suspense in either story (again perhaps by design), and even moments where it exists (Koizumi and the sniper) are very low-key. So there are no lows, but no highs either. Kind of "just a bunch of stuff that happened" (to borrow a phrase).

I feel I'm being too negative, since I enjoyed the stories - I like your writing style and where you took the characters.

Thanks. I think you are right, especially with Murphid's emphasis. More time needs to be spent with the group as whole, and more energy needs to be spent making scenes with actual tension. I think I got a little too entrenched in sticking to the relatively slow paced portions of the book, without adding any real conflict.

I definitely plan to improve both topics overall. Thanks for emphasizing the point so I know where I lack focus and thanks for reading!

[Muphrid]

This element (the paradox), as it stands, really doesn't have any other function. For now, it is just a bit to an AU that I wanted, so that Mikuru doesn't have to follow a script. I will fully own it as a fault of my self-gratification.

In Part 3, should I feel up to it, this will end up being the driving force of the plot. I always had an inkling of part 3, and I wanted to lay the ground works early.

Yeah, as long as it gets used in Part 3 pretty well, I don't think there will be a big issue.

Definitely need some more work, especially with chapter 6. I see what you mean about Nagato's near-breakdown being less impactful.
The hardest part about trying to stick to the general Tanigawa style is only using Kyon's perspective. That means Kyon has to be present at all the interesting events, which is generally how the books go, or there have to be scenes relayed to him and the audience in some other way.

I don't know if that means I should stray from the novel's style, and reconsider a lot of my story from the perspectives that bring up, or I should better balance what scenes that Kyon is present in.

This is one of the big challenges of writing in first-person.  I think it's worthy to attack head-on rather than try to duck the problem.  Kyon finding Nagato in the throes of the breakdown's after-effects could be a powerful scene, for instance.  There are few things more moving, to me, than a person in a disturbed state of mind fighting to get out of it.  Even if Kyon doesn't seen the inciting event, he can be present to see its fallout.

(About Kyon's admitting Haruhi's feelings for him, and then the party without Haruhi.) Points taken. I think I could have done Kyon's admission a little better. As for the final scene happening without Haruhi, I understand what you mean. I had two major issues with that from my perspective. It would have been tricky to explain the situation to Haruhi in the first place. Secondly, Kyon already slightly blames Haruhi for what happened in Endless Eight, and doesn't know how Yuki feels about the brigade leader who caused two millennia of torturous monotony. Given that this was supposed to be the climax of her coping, (much like the night wherein canon!Yuki changed the universe) I didn't see how having Haruhi be there would make it easier on her.

Yeah, I knew that having Haruhi there would be tricky.  It might be enough for Kyon to admit he'd like it if Haruhi could be there without issue, but since she's out of the loop and since Nagato would feel uncomfortable, it can't be helped--not now, but he could make it a goal so that Haruhi can be there, an equal part of their Brigade, in the future.  This would give some forward momentum for Part 3, for instance.


I'm glad I was of some assistance here.  Good luck with Part 3!