A Light in the Void

[Rukatin]

Whelp, here it goes. My first attempt at putting my writing out for the world to see.
This is going to be more of an experiment than anything, so feedback and input would be very much appreciated. I have no Idea how long I'm going to do this, so this maybe just an idea of mine, or a full blown story.

Anyways, let's get on with it.

[KLSymph]

Did you... forget to attach a file? I don't see any writing.

Must be avant-garde stuff.

[Anastasia]

Did you... forget to attach a file? I don't see any writing.

Must be avant-garde stuff.

I'm going to guess he intends to write and post it here in chunks. That or he got sidetracked right after making that post, things do happen.

(The old produce nothing avant-garde thing's been done anyway, hasn't it? Then again, that means most fanfic writers are terribly avant-garde.)

[Rukatin]

Avant garde?
Yes I intend to write them here. Is that a problem?

[Rukatin]

Prologue

A Soul drifted in the darkness. It drifted in a void of emptiness so great it was incomprehensible.
It was the only Light in a sea of black non-existence.
To say how long it had been there would mean there would to have to be something that had a concept of it.
The Soul had no way to tell passing seconds from spanning eons.
The Soul could only struggle to hold itself in a place that threatened to cause it to drift apart into nothingness.
The Soul could feel itself fading. It's Light dimming.
The Soul was mortal, finite.
It could only wait until the Void consumed it's existence.

Wait until another light shined in the darkness.

If the Soul could feel curiosity, it would. Because as the Soul drifted closer, the Void seemed to shift. The Soul then realized the Void now surrounding it was very different from the Void it was just in. This Void was...not empty. It had existence.
'That's weird...' The Soul thought.

The Soul...for lack of a better word, blinked.
'I can think again...'
Then, with the epiphany of the word 'again', a profound chain reaction occurred.
'Again' for the Soul meant memories. And with memories came with a sense of time.
The Soul as it drifted into the light, a shining green oval,
It remembered.

[KLSymph]

I was just a little confused because I read the opening message and thought you were going to post the writing in the OP.  That's just my practice though.  Don't worry about it.

Fair warning: As a writing critic, my views are more informative than they are encouraging. Please don't take any of it personally.

Prologue

A Soul drifted in the darkness. It drifted in a void of emptiness so great it was incomprehensible.

Can't see a reason why "Soul" should be capitalized here. "Void of emptiness" is redundant; voids are by definition empty. Stating that a void is incomprehensibly great doesn't really create an image for the reader; I'm leaning toward either "No, I can imagine a vast emptiness easily" or "I guess I can take your word for it but you're not really describing anything."

It was the only Light in a sea of black non-existence.

Can't see a reason why "Light" is capitalized either. "Sea of black non-existence" is an inconsistent metaphor, since you're basically telling the reader to picture a body of water, except the water doesn't exist. ...And is black.

To say how long it had been there would mean there would to have to be something that had a concept of it.

An unnecessarily complicated way to declare timelessness.

The Soul had no way to tell passing seconds from spanning eons.

If you already declared that there is no observable concept of temporal length in the line above, this is just repeating the same thing.

The Soul could only struggle to hold itself in a place that threatened to cause it to drift apart into nothingness.

"Threatened to cause it to drift apart" seems like an unassertive way to describe something that should generate existential horror in the reader.

The Soul could feel itself fading. It's Light dimming.

No apostrophe in "its".

The Soul was mortal, finite.

Without some context, this statement is hard to swallow.  I'd imagine that a majority of the audience buys into the philosophical and religious idea that the soul is immortal.

It could only wait until the Void consumed it's existence.

"Consume" is more active than "cause to drift apart", so there's that.  Not sure why "Void" is capitalized now.

Wait until another light shined in the darkness.

So... not until another light appears? This line is ambiguous in stating whether a light has just appeared or if this is just a statement of possibility, and only at the end of the prologue does the light get described, which doesn't help the reader get a solid image of what's going on.

If the Soul could feel curiosity, it would. Because as the Soul drifted closer, the Void seemed to shift.

What does it mean for a void to shift?

The Soul then realized the Void now surrounding it was very different from the Void it was just in. This Void was...not empty. It had existence.

Except the void wasn't empty before, since it already had the soul in it.

'That's weird...' The Soul thought.

The Soul...for lack of a better word, blinked.

You should really look for a better word. If you describe a soul making a bodily action, it really confuses the reader's mental image.

'I can think again...'
Then, with the epiphany of the word 'again', a profound chain reaction occurred.
'Again' for the Soul meant memories. And with memories came with a sense of time.
The Soul as it drifted into the light, a shining green oval,
It remembered.

As a reader going into this story, this prologue doesn't tell me concrete details about your story at all, and on its own merits it doesn't give me a cohesive mental image or set up a clear mood.  It reads like an author tossing pseudo-profound words around, and doesn't fulfill the purpose of a prologue of hooking the reader's interest.  All I'm getting, charitably, is that there is a character who now exists.

You should rewrite the prologue to be more specific to your story.

Please don't take it personally!

[Anastasia]

KLSymph beat me to most of the salient points. I'd like to add one more thing: Where is this going? He's right insofar that the introduction is fairly generic. I'm curious as to what the hook is. I'd recommend lengthening this snip to include one or adding one to what you already have.

Fair warning: As a writing critic, my views are more informative than they are encouraging. Please don't take any of it personally.

This is worth seconding, as none of this is meant to say that 'this sucks!' or 'you suck', despite tearing it up a fair bit. It's more like 'this is how you improve it to make it better'.

[Rukatin]

Thanks! I appreciate it.
I was kinda expecting it to suck anyway. Gotta start somewhere though!

[Anastasia]

Thanks! I appreciate it.
I was kinda expecting it to suck anyway. Gotta start somewhere though!

True enough. That's the right attitude to have. As long as you're willing to keep writing and polishing things, you're on the right track.

[Rukatin]

Would it be appropriate to make another thread that would have all my other fanfic ideas and writing stuff?

[Rukatin]

By the way, still working on a rewrite of my prologue. I've got ideas, but nothing solid. Will write a draft today in my notebook.

[Anastasia]

Would it be appropriate to make another thread that would have all my other fanfic ideas and writing stuff?

Sure, whatever works for you. At the worst we'd merge threads or something.

[Rukatin]

'How long...?' Came a sorrowful thought. 'How long have I been here?'
A nameless man drifted through the void as his question went unanswered. He could not even count his own heartbeat to mark the passage of time as he could not remember the last time it beated..
But to say the man was dead would not be true. Nor would it be to say that he was alive. He could not remember who he was, yet he still had memories. The half-existence of then man was full of contradictions and hypocrisies.
Then the man shuddered as vast colorless void shifted to darkness, rather the darkness shifted to surround him.
The man struggled to remember what it was, but could only recall vague fleeting images and feelingsof malevolence pain.
Inside the murky black some tangible aspect of the darkness slithered by. The man could feel the strange and alien sensations tinged by the same anger in his faded memories. Without warning the creature struck and the man tumbled widely through the void after a flash of golden light that burst from his body.
The man slowly blinked as he realized he was unharmed. Then a distant memory bubbled to the surface of his consciousness and he realized this light was the only thing keeping him...existing.
'Since when has the light been so dim...?' he thought as the light faded to an almost unseen shimmer around his form.
The dark being returned to him, coiling around in the darkness. And then as bolt of pain stabbed through his head as a deep, heavy and oppressive voice grated into his mind.
"FOOLISH MORTAL, WHY DO YOU PERSIST?" Thousands of disjointed voices joined with many different and feelings rang into his consciousness, and the man had to fight not to be overwhelmed. He grit his teeth and gripped his head as it continued.
"YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO EXIST HERE IN THIS SPACE OF NOTHING BETWEEN REALITIES. YOU CLING TO YOUR LIFE, UNAWARE OF THE GRAVE CONSEQUENCES THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE TO YOUR EXISTENCE."
The man flinched as all those voices chorused together in rage at that sentence. The man cried out, shouting into roiling presence in his mind. "Stop! Please!"
The creature withdrew and the sudden silence was almost euphoric to the man as he sighed in relief as he trembled. But the being was still there, whispers scratching against the back of his skull. The man waited a moment before composing himself and giving a shaky reply. "W-what do you mean...? I don't...I don't understand..."
The many whispers increased to murmurs as many incomprehensible voices argued at once. It spoke once more, again sending a stab of pain through his skull, though it was marginally less than last time. "The longer you remain, the more of your memories are forgotten. The more your light dims, the more your soul fades."
"You will not die here mortal. You will suffer a fate much worse than that. You will cease to exist."
For the first time in a long while, the man felt fear. "No..."
Murmuring arguments turned into chorusing conversations and shouts. Weird emotions pressed their way in again. "YOU HAD THE CHOICE TO LEAVE!" Fury was evident in every word that pressed into the man's mind. Then suddenly, the anger vanished. The creature coiled tendrils of darkness around him, careful not to touch the dim aura of light. "But that knowledge is lost to you. Forgotten along with your memories."
The man was confused by the sudden bipolar nature of the creature. "...What do you want from me...?"
Then the man shivered, because he couldn't decide which was more horrifying: The fact that despite having no visible mouth, it was smiling, or the fact that all the voices in his head started laughing maniacally.
"I want to purpose a deal... You once had the ability to leave this place, but you currently lack the knowledge and completion of soul to do so. But that can be changed. While your memories may have been forgotten, they are not gone. Your shattered soul can be repaired by my power, and the knowledge you have lost will return along with your identity. You will be whole again." The creature spoke with an almost seductive tone as it gave him the offer.
The man's chest filled with faint hope. Could he finally get out of here? Could he be free?
Yet...something bothered him. "What do you get out of this?"
"In freeing yourself, I shall be free as well." responded the scratching voices in his head.
Things didn't add up. If the creature wanted escape, then why hadn't it asked him earlier when he wasn't a faded soul? The more the man thought this out, the more a pressure in his temple that wasn't emanating from the presence in his head increased. Suddenly, a knot of memories unwound themselves and revealed disjointed images of destruction and desolation, sounds of terror and rage, and alien sensations similar to the being of darkness.
Suddenly, the man knew what the creature was and everything fell into place.
"I refuse."
The creature paused in shock and the voices went silent inside his mind. Then, they all shrieked in rage, making him feel like his head was about to split open. "WHY?! DO YOU NOT CARE FOR YOUR SOUL?! DO YOU NO WISH TO LEAVE THIS ACCURSED PLACE?!"
The man gritted his teeth and a pulse of light forced the being's presence from his mind. "I may be fading, but I have not forgotten everything. You are here because long ago, I sealed us both in this void. I know what you are, and I know you will never leave this place before I fade away. You will be trapped here for eternity Outsider!"
The Outsider roared in unimaginable, alien anger and struck against the barrier of light, sending him deep into the void. But before the man was out of reach, it struck him again, and again, and again.
Too stunned to keep it from pressing into his head, the man screamed as it filled his consciousness. "YOU WILL REGRET YOUR STUBBORNNESS! WHEN THE TIME COMES THAT YOUR LIGHT CEASES TO SHINE, YOU WILL BEG FOR MY HELP!"
Sometime later when the man had long since lost count how many times the being had attacked him, he noticed the darkness was gone and he was once again drifting alone in silence in the vast colorless void awaiting the end of his existence.
The man closed his eyes and silently wept. While he wouldn't allow the Outsider to escape, he didn't want his life to end like this.
Underneath his sobs, the man whispered a message that echoed deep within his soul.
"...I don't want to die...Please, someone, anyone, save me..."

Against all odds, his plea was answered.

I beg you...
The man's eyes widened. There was a voice that was nothing more than a bare whisper yet he heard it so clearly...
My servant who exists somewhere in this vast universe...
There it was again, louder this time, and filled with magic unlike anything he had felt before.
My sacred, strong, wise, and beautiful familiar spirit!
[Rewrite in Progress]
'Familiar...?' The man felt a strong pulse of the magic that was present in her voice. He lazily turned as he drifted and soon he was facing a bright green oval floating in his path.
The man shifted the light of his fading soul and stopped before the portal. Many different thoughts were racing through his head. But most of all was the question of 'Why? Why me?'
I desire and plead from my heart!
The man paused again as he could feel the emotions carried through the girl's voice. It was full of desperation, desire, and unmistakable pain. He hung there, fraught with indecision. This girl, whoever she was, was reaching out to him, a nameless, fading soul, for help.
Answer to my guidance!
This was his chance, this girl could save him, but if he passed through the portal right now, she would meet only half a man.
The man suddenly found it strange the being hadn't noticed the only other light in the void.
'What if...' Suddenly an idea formed in his head.
Projecting his thoughts out and trying to sound as desperate as possible, the man mentally shouted:
'Please! I don't want to die like this!'
It did not take long for the creature to arrive, and it's suspicion evident.
THAT DID NOT TAKE LONG.
'I don't want to forget who I am...I want to exist...
The being swirled around him, not noticing the green portal nearby.
Then BEG.
'I beg you, restore me. Give me my memories, my name. I beg you, let me exist again!'
The creature laughed evilly. VERY WELL. CEASE YOUR LIGHT AND BREAK YOUR STASIS.
The man shuddered as he prepared to make a deal with the devil, and double cross it. Barely remembering how, the man made the light of his soul flicker and go out.
It was a brief moment where the man, unprotected by the light, struggled to exist in a place where he could not before the being shrouded him in black. Pain seared through his body, mind, and soul as he could feel the creature's darkness rifling through him. But the being kept it's word, and the man remembered everything.
The first thing he realized was this dark creature was an Outsider. A very powerful one that had consumed multiple realities. He had sealed himself here with this Outsider because he was the one to lure it here. He had originally planned to fade away and seal the Outsider in the void forever.

The second thing he remembered was his own name.

As more memories and lost knowledge were regained, his soul was restored to it's former glory.
Then a third epiphany was made. For as the memories passed through the present, he realized the Outsider was seeing everything.
The memories finished their playback, and the Outsider roared. Pain worse than anything he had experienced before speared through his person as it constricted around his body and his soul.
Golden light brighter than any sunrise, brighter than any star in the sky shone from every part of his body and soul and burning the creature of darkness, causing it to feel pain for the first time in eons. Yet the Outsider still clung to the man of light with tendrils of inky blackness buried into the man's soul.
A forgotten-and-remembered blade was drawn. Out it flashed, the man slicing the tendrils holding him in twain and freeing the Outsider's grasp on him. It shrieked in both agony and fury as it recoiled from the sword. It watched as the man wielded the light of his soul to form a plane of light under his feet and pushed off towards an unseen portal it saw in his memories. Giving a roar that would've break and shatter reality and existence, it shot off towards the man.
YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE MY WRATH! I SHALL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND CONSUME YOUR SOUL MORTAL! YOUR LIGHT WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR DOOM!
The man of light turned around as he sped through the void. Tracing a rune of light with his free hand, a complex barrier formed in the Outsider's path, causing it to collide with it. It didn't hold the unstoppable rampage of the creature, but it gave the man the precious time needed to get to get near to portal before it.
The Outsider screamed the name of the man's soul in absolute anger as it reached the portal moments before he passed through it
JEORIC DAWN KNIGHT!
The named man grinned at the Outsider as he floated through through the portal, the green oval winking out behind him. 'At least you did one good thing with your miserable existence Outsider...'
The Outsider screamed, it thrashed about in an endless fury. Now stuck here for eternity with no way out.
Then it noticed the part that the man had cut off to free himself had not regrown. It then began to cackle evilly.
EVERY LIGHT CASTS A SHADOW. YOU WILL SUFFER A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH FROM NONE OTHER THAN THE DARKNESS IN YOUR OWN HEART.
GOODBYE KNIGHT OF DAWN. MAY YOUR DOOM LAST FOR ETERNITY.

End Prologue

[Rukatin]

Finished! Marked improvement from the entirely vague piece of crap I wrote last time.

[KLSymph]

Playing with font is a bad habit among beginning writers. Making a statement BOLD AND ITALIC AND UNDERLINED AND ALLCAPS doesn't make it impressive to the reader, so avoid font manipulation as much as possible.  In particular, I'm using the forum default theme, and when you use pink font it has almost no contrast against the light-gray background, making that text unreadable.