Acts of Dracos: The Early ECB

[Dracos]

Inspired by the lovable: "Acts of Gord" (www.actsofgord.com) method of dealing with stupidity.

This thread exists for the sole and express purpose of me mocking those stupid enough to evoke my wrath....

I go over many forums in my travels over the internet... And occasionally I find some folks so stupid... so creteniously dumb.... that they deserve to be wiped out of existence...

This will hold their stories...

[Dracos]

Well this story starts right after a crackdown on spam.  None too long before, the mods of the fanfics forum agreed to kill the "first" spam posts that would appear in every thread.  Expectantly during the first week after this announcement the resistance from the idiots was great.  But eventually it cooled down....

Act I: The idiot versus the Mod Squad

A particular one comes to mind though....

"Primero!" Buddy shouted in the first thread.  Lucky for him I wasn't there that day.  He got a nice smackdown from the general secretariat mod/enforcer.  In german too just so he could see how the mods appriciate foreign tongues in an english forum.  A simple daygag which was released on time as always.  For most this was enough...

Two days later...

"Primero!" ..yep... it's buddy again...  for some reason he didn't quite register that the stuff was banned.  The bold type and big messages alongside the ban hadn't quite gotten through to buddy.  It might have helped that there was rumor going around that no mods were going to be around for a while.  But I was online then.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/ranma_fanfics/messages?msg=6341.3

He went flying right into left field...   a solid weekban...  Should've been the end of it too.... until...

Act II: Buddy don't think he can lose?!

Well, I thought it was over and done with with that... most people aren't stupid enough to take it further...

Buddy was though...

E-mail correspondance from buddy:
"Hey, why'd you ban me?  I didn't even know I'd been banned!  HEY!  YOU CAN'T BAN ME!  And Anyways... I only go to the forum once a week anyhow... I'll never even notice.  Bidaah!  You can't do anything!  This ban is meaningless to me!"

Reading through the rather incomprehensible message, I noted he declared I couldn't do anything to him.  Never say that to the Dracos.

Return correspondance:
"Thank you for your informative email.  This new information will be taken into account when recalibrating your ban."

I then flipped over to the forum and demonstrated why you don't tell a mod he can't do anything.  True ban locked in....  and a two month punishment to boot.  Then I informed the forum of why they wouldn't be seeing buddy for a while....

Act III: Hey, I didn't say that!

I was in a whimsical mood when i handed down the official recounting, and thus gave a rather friendly recounting in my message:

"Due to a request from godmazinger over email, his ban is now extended to two months."

This was met with snickering by many of the good forumers who like vultures watched the fate of the fool get dimmer still until...

Reaper121: "HEY I didn't do anything wrong!"

*blink blink*

Wha?  Man...that takes guts... pulling a fox and setting up a second account to evade the ban.

BAM!

The mallet of dracos came down upon him.  And low and behold when it was lifted not a speck could be seen of the once arrogant lurker.  His ban stands as a demonstration for fools everywhere....

And that is the end of the story... until he shows up again...

[Dracos]

Book of Judgement: And to those who were idiots...he spake and layeth down the smack upon them...
<Begin post quote>
Well...  despite my previous polite request it seems angel could not stop.  I can't truly allow this to stand unacknowledged so...  The public will once again get to see what is normally hidden from public eye...

Prepare yourselves folks... to go where few men have gone before...
The Evil Commentary Bureau is now taking the case of "The People who can Speak and Write English" Versus "AngelKnigh02 who can't spell her own nick correctly".

This will be a fair and impartial  C&C'ing, despite insinuations to the contrary...  The Truth of the matter will come forth....

In The Make Sense School.

Post 1:

Has anyone else noticed the wierd weather (or whatever you might call this) we've been happening?

ECB: Wierd is really spelled Weird.  Note the provided spell checker as it does wonders for giving the perception of higher intelligence.  Additionally your sentence structure is passive, you weaken the subject by denoting that your term 'wierd weather' might be insufficient to the description you are seeking.  The term 'we've' is inappropriate without denoting area of the world that you are successfully being inclusive in your tense of.  It's quite possible for odd weather occurances to be happening in Britain without Florida ever being affected.


Besides the off and on heat wave, hasn't anyone else noticed that daylight hours seem to be getting longer every day?

ECB: It is usually on and off heat wave (using the positive prior to the negating term) and doing something known as 'research into common knowledge like weather patterns' if you don't instinctively know the information is wise.  A simple e-mail query to any national weather database would have your worries resolved simply and without demonstrating that you don't realize that it ALWAYS gets longer at this time of year (presuming you're in the northern hemisphere).


Today here in California, the sky didn't completely get
dark until it was almost 9pm, and even then when you looked at the skye it was still almost completely lit up with daylight in one area where you could see the sunset in the horizon, while in another part of the skye it was starting to get dark, and that was around 8:30 pm.

ECB: Okay, you get the word 'sky' correct at the beginning of your whine, but you get it wrong in every other  occurance of the word?  It's 'Sky'- the blue cloud filled atmosphere that is above our heads and is composed of several elements, most notable to us being oxygen.  We are not using archaic english misnomers such as skye that went out of use with the creation of a standardized word form.  Please type in this century.


Post 2:

It's not the heat wave that's bothering me, because I've gotten used to it after all these years. Especially since a few years ago,

ECB: Referring to your previous post, you espoused upon this being the secondary reason for your complaint.  If it wasn't then you shouldn't have brought it up at all.  If it holds no relevence to your argument/query/statement/essay then it makes no sense to bring it out.  It is unnecessarily confusing your issues and confounding those who wish to help you.  It's a bad quality in the Make Sense school.


we got what seemed almost like Hurricane weather, even though we lived nowhere near an ocean, or 2 years ago when it rained off and on for 6 weeks straight for the first time in years.

ECB: The Make Sense school looks again at your previous post that proclaims you as being based in California.  Then looks at this line above. California is quite near an ocean in it's entirety.  Therefore the line above is factually in error and doesn't make sense.  RED CARD!  Off to the side with the rest of those who don't know where their state is!


I know all that but come on. I was out all day, with my mother, and we didn't get back home until almost 9pm, and it was light out.

ECB: Again, you were answered with quite a reasonable explanation for this. It does indeed happen every year.  Your usage of the friendly slang "come on" to indicate that Cymage's explanation is ludicrious is quite rude in the face his kind attempt to explain the commonly known effects of seasons.  Just because you act like it's strange, doesn't make it so.  "Oh, the clouds...they were....multicolored when the sun set!  So STRANGE?!"


It was even still bright enough to read one of my romance books before it finally became completely dark by the time we got home Even my mother commented on how wierd the skye was looking today.

ECB: I covered this before but.... another Yellow Card for not realizing your errors before using it in a second post.


As far back as I can remember, the skye has never looked that way before even when all that stuff you just described happens.

ECB: To quote the excellent british comedian group, Monty Python, "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" (with falsified french accent).  "Just because you say it's so, doesn't mean it is.".  That's right lil' girl.  Just because you say normal stuff doesn't happen, doesn't make it true.


It still being partially daylight past 8pm isn't a normal occurance in any time of the day or year.

ECB: As you put no qualifiers on this you declared it a globally binding statement.  As it being bright as day after 8 pm is common where I live, and always has been, I find this statement false.  It might potentially be true in Diamond Bar, California, where you live about six hundred miles north of me... but I doubt it.


Post 3:

What about my mom? She's almost <i>always</i> out at all times of the day, on errands or shopping, and she commented on it too, saying that she's never seen the skye like that before.

ECB: Normally when your facts are being questioned and your rhetoric denounced it is wise to bring out an expert.  Your mother, despite how you love and care for her and how she has always said you were a 'special child', is not an expert in weather patterns.  At least I presume she's not as you haven't referenced her with credentials notifying us that she is a meteorologist.  Being out shopping does not a weather expert make.  And skye is still spelled sky.


Post 4:

*holds a pair of giant scissors to the ropes that are holding up the trapese*

ECB: Well, if you were reading, and I know you were, you would have seen that the mighty Carthrat abandoned his dramatic entrance device at the end of his post to go off in a helicopter.  Could this be just impotent spite that he was correcting you?  It's not very becoming of a discussion to damage other people's props. Also if you were so skilled at English you would have used the correct spelling of 'trapeze' and not merely copied an incorrect word.


I notice everything that goes on around here, including what the sky does and doesn't do times. My mother does look up at the entire sky.

ECB: I find you incredibly lacking in interpersonal observation skills despite your claim to 'notice everything'.  You clearly missed the hostile audience you were pitching this too.  I believe it was a wise showbiz person who once exclaimed the most important rule of showbusiness is 'Know your audience'.


But I have a question about something else. One time a few months ago, I was on my way to school, and on the way we have to pass by this large hill.

ECB:  And we care why?  Again with not knowing your audience.  Random spammish thoughts like this are better off in your head.  Your second sentence reads like the incredibly basic and trite writings of a second grader.  I say this without malice because that is how I truly perceive this here.  Additionally, I'm fairly certain it should be "A few months ago" without the "One time".  Did you not say you were in your twenties in a latter post?  If you are still in school now, you should use your advanced age and probable financial resources and sue whoever allowed you to pass high school/freshman college year.  It simply was a crime to you allowing such.  You might still have a chance to salvage your education and actually learn something.


During one of the times that I we passed by this certain hill, we were stopped at the stop light signal, and I happened to glance at the hill, and I noticed what looked like this REALLY big shadow completely covering the hill. Everything on that one hill looked completely black like a fire had recently passed through it.

ECB: "we were stopped"?  You have only referenced one person so far, namingly yourself.  Was your mom driving you to school or something?  I am sincerely tempted to agree with the apt analyzation of the bloody handed Cardinal Rezantis, but to do so would ruin my impartial stance.  Therefore I would presume to note that it might be wise to study the speaking patterns of your peers and learn how to talk like an adult.  I'd also recommend getting your eyes checked.  My goldfish got twitchy reading this, after all.


There were no clouds (or anything else) in the sky that could have caused the shadow, and at first I thought there must have

ECB: Noting that you were in a car, stopped at a stop light for a potential time of a few moments, and probably need your eyes  checked... how exactly did you find the time to peer through your presumably solid car roof and determine that there was nothing large above you or that the sun was not potentially at an angle which would allow a building in the distance to cause the shadow?  Such insight into the world around you truly should be lauded.  With Idiot signs.


been a fire there recently,

ECB: That's quite a conclusion.  A + B = 27000 F.  Seems the same to me.  You can have the  Fs.


but despite the darkness covering the hill, I took a better look at the hill, while I was still waiting for the light to change, and I didn't see any burned trees.
Everything under the shadow still looked completely fresh and green, and when I passed by the hill again the next day, the

ECB: Sit down, this might come as a shock.  Shadows...Don't....Kill...Plants!  SHADOWS DON'T KILL PLANTS!  Repeat it a dozen times and call your psychologist in the morning.


shadow was gone, and I was right the first time the other day, because all of the plants on the hill looked like they were just fine.

ECB: Right about what though?  That makes "No Sense".  The Yen Is Not With You!


Post 5:

O_O;;;
Umm... Are you telling the truth about the Illuminati thing? There really is such a thing as those guys, or are you just kidding?

ECB: Well my bunny rabite, a cute little creature with silky black fur and fearsome sharp teeth, recently got up to go use the phone. I might be worried... but if you go get your eyes examined real soon it won't matter much.


Post 6:

I wouldn't be talking, KFL.

ECB:  You shouldn't be talking, or writing as the reality stands-  But you are.  I was being quite kind in trying to preserve you from latter attacks for continually spamming with stupidity.  Unfortunately my warning went unheard...  a howl lost in the wind of stupidity.


I was only trying to point out something, and everyone starts making wisecracks and stupid comments (I'm not calling all the responses you guys made that) about something that's never happened before in my side of the world.

ECB: You definitely need work on your grammar.  You parenthesis counteracts your sentence structure leaving it ambigious.  Whose comments were 'wisecracking' and 'stupid' if not 'everyone''s?    I live in your side of the world, btw.  It happens frequently.  As they say in the Quik-e-mart, "Thank you, Come again."


I'm telling you guys, that I've been living in this town since elementary school (and it's been a long time since it's then).

ECB: And what relevence does this have other than denoting that you have a skewed perspective of time and need to travel more often?  So, you told us.  And....


Sure whenever it's DST, but come on, but after being alive for twenty+ years, it's a little hard not to notice how bright your

ECB: Slang doesn't help your arguments.  You really should stop using it.  The continual usage of 'come on' to indicate that the reasonable responses are unreasonable is demeaning to yourself and insulting to those who typed them.  If they were pulling your leg they'd have stopped by now.  The goldfish would have made them.  Your grammar is also horrible.  The sentence has multiple subjects and improper modifying verbs.  Red Card for sentence structure.  Off to the side, where your writing coach can chew you out for incompetence.


backyard seems to be getting at 8pm, when it's always dark, no matter what time of the year it is or if DST, or whatever kind of movements the Earth is doing.

ECB: Sorry, I have to raise the sign again.  Read closely this time:

"Just because you say it's true, Doesn't Make it true."


I'm over twenty years old, I'm not being a 'complete idiot' as you so kindly called me *glares* and I normally wouldn't have commented on something like this if it's happened before over here. Which it hasn't.

ECB: But you obviously failed close reading as I was not at that time calling you an idiot, though I probably have above by now.  I was referring to the fact that you were failing to see that others were holding up neon signs (Cymage's was particularly nice) explaining in simple mono-syllable terms that "You are an Idiot.".  Oops, you probably won't get that either.  Damn, what's a mono-syllable term for completely incapable of comprehending that one is doing actions defined here as "Stupid"?  Oh, I know: You are...Dumb.  Referencing your age only implies you are either lying or childish.


Post 7:

I already knew it had to be a joke. Things like the Illuminati purely is fictional.

ECB: And you asked then why?  My pet rabite nods.  You learn well.


I'm in my twentie's

ECB: Sure you are honey.  And your grammar so shows us this with glowing giant laser beam in the sky signs. Two decades obviously wasted on you.

Post 8:

What do you mean my English isn't good?!!! I speak better english than some of my out of country visiting relatives sometimes.

ECB: What else can we mean?  Should we use smaller words?  "Your English SUCKS!  It's an insult to those who truly study the language!"  Would that kind of direct tone carry better for you?  Maybe we should paint it on our sigs, "You...Can't..Write...E-n-g-l-i-s-h"


And for your information at the last count, my IQ was up at 375. *smirks* Though it's been a few years since that test was taken.

ECB: Maybe you scored so low it went flipside.  Naw, you probably aren't that competent.  Since you quoted an impossible and meaningless number.  Intelligence Quotents are suppose to measure capability to learn last I heard, not actual knowledge such as ability to use English at the moment.   You definitely are making the curve now.  


Where I live isn't any of your business, except that I live in California.

ECB: ... Why did we need to know you live in Diamond Bar, California, if it isn't any of our business?  If you are complaining about what is always a local phenomenon, weather, you have to denote the area of the world you are referring to.  Anyhow the street signs are watching you.

Post 9:

I remember the person who did the IQ testing at my one of my old schools telling my parents and me that that's what the number was. Like I said it's been years since I took that test.

ECB: And you felt "Oh SO INTELLIGENT" telling us something even you don't have confidence in.  Did it make your ego bloat for a second?  Did pride swell in your heart?   And now, do you look off into the cliff of despair and realize: "That was pretty dumb."

Post 10:

*Shakes head*

ECB: So do we, except we do it in disgust, not self-pity.


Why does it seem that everyone is complaining about the way I type? I'm doing any spelling errors, when I type in here? None of the words are misspelled as far as I can see, and I am checking them, before I hit the post button.

ECB: You are making spelling errors, as I noted above.  And given the amount of 'edits' you've done you clearly aren't checking over your work very well.  "I'm doing any spelling errors"- there is SO much that is grammatically flawed in that line.  Try this "I'm not making any spelling errors when I type here."   It's a statement which is what you wanted.  It's a declaration, therefore not passive.  It's even grammatically correct.  Whoopie! Go you!  oh wait, I wrote that!


Carolyn, I didn't mean it as a 'supposed' insult to people who do speak english perfectly, but other people shouldn't making bad comments about one's ability to speak english in the first place, just because of the way they type.

ECB: Why not?  My mom teaches english and she always taught me that one writes how one speaks.  If one is incapable of coherently and correctly expressing oneself in the written word why would it be presumed that they suddenly gain this skill when speaking?   So ignorant one, you may now understand that claiming to do something well and doing it poorly is an insult to those who do it well.  What a concept, eh?

<End Evil Commentary Bureau Report on Angelknigh02>

It is the hope of the evil commentary bureau that you will either learn from this or bury your head in the sand so we never have to see you do such a wretched job of writing again.

  Thank you all.  And Good night to you, Mrs. Kalidash... Whereever you are...

Fearless Leader
Leaves stage left, hat on head, the street lights going out behind him...

[Dracos]

This is Kind Fearless Leader of the Evil Commentary Bureau.  We are pleased to announce your fic has been submitted for commentary and criticism.  We promise, as always, a fair and impartial judgment of your fic.  In addition, due to popular request, we will also be reviewing your response to C&C and your swearing.  Congratulations, it is a great honor to be reviewed by us.

For fairness this review will be posted with the other publicly recorded ECB posts at ECB headquarters: http://dracos.anifics.com

Please send all requests, comments, etc to ECB at: dracos12@hotmail.com

Do note: any request to continue or dispute the impartial judgment of ECB will be publicly recorded.

Now, I shalt begin the case of:

"The Evil Commentary Bureau Versus An Arrogant and Smug writer who cannot take criticism"

Fic in question: "Harry Potter and the Secret" by Heir of Hogwarts.  Mockable Here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=722218

Participating today will be evil critics:
Founder: Kind Fearless Leader, the infamous leader of the group.
ECBVC: The volunteer critic famed for his efficient grammar analysis.

*Hello people and welcome to the first chapter of my Harry Potter quadrology (4 installments) called, The Power of Harry Potter. Have you ever wondered how Harry survived the curse? Well, here's my view. This will be a very big h/h story with some original characters and lots of violence, Voldemort, etc. This chapter is dedicated to kingcobra_cujo, who is a faithful reviewer and also decent friend of mine*

Okay.  This make my eyes hurt at the beginning.  Why?  No Disclaimer.  You are now effectively in the legal wrong with your usage of other characters for your own gain.  Nice way to start off your fic.  Additionally, most people come to read a fic, not be talked to.  Therefore a decent bit of your audience base draws the reasonable conclusion that: "Your fic isn't strong enough to speak for itself.

Congratulations for having a faithful reviewer.  This belongs in the end notes.

*What if on that one night back in 1981, The Potters were out at a party, and left Harry Potter with a babysitter. What if, Harry had still survived the curse and Lily and James Potter were still alive today. Sirius Black would not be in Azkaban. Peter Pettigrew would be in his place, not serving as Scabbers to the Weasley family. But perhaps, Voldemort still had his followers, people who were willing to take Pettigrew's place as Voldemort's prime servant, someone who would be less likely, but still have knowledge of the Dark Arts?*

Well that's a cute concept....but what is it doing at the beginning of a fic?  And even worse where's the rest of the bones?  This reads like perhaps a low class attempt to sell your story. It would be bad if placed in that short description spot allowed by FF.net, but it's absolutely extraneous placed at the beginning of your fic.  If someone's already opened the fic, why would you be selling it to them?  All you are doing is ruining any sense of questioning what is 'wrong'.   Additionally, did not the original book cover why Harry Potter survived the curse?  Why are you rehashing a section that was done beautifully in canon Harry Potter?

*Who would this person be? Someone close to the Potters? Maybe a stranger? Or perhaps someone nobody would ever suspect.*

Wow such drama...such lead in...  *SNoooore* You sound like the fifties style radio announcers.  And not even a good one at that.  At least a good radio announcer for radio dramas knew you had to keep your audience interested and on the edge of their seats.

I note I'm a full webpage in...and your story hasn't started yet.  Points deducted for bad formatting here.   I should never have to scroll down to find the beginning of the story.

*Harry Potter awoke from his wonderful dream of flying, flying on a broomstick, with someone nobody would ever think that we would like, not even him.*

A) You are telling your audience stuff.  This instantly kills the all important veil of belief and breaks a cardinal rule of writing by talking to your readers through a standpoint different from an exterior narrator.
B)The grammar here hurts my well trained eyes.  That should be at least two sentences there.  Additionally the net result of the sentence is meaningless gibber.  Either the dream sequence should be displayed on camera or you should start with him waking up.

*He sat up and hit his head, whack, 'Ouch,' he thought, 'I have to remember about that slant in the ceiling.' Ever since his growth spurt a few days into the summer when he sat up in bed, he hit his head. *

Man...mechanical and tedious.  More so you confuse the hell out of me with your earlier notation about what is getting changed.  This appears to start at beginning of normal Harry Potter....  it doesn't make sense for him to be living in such small quarters if his parents are still alive.  I'm docking you plot consistency here.  This is bad given it's only the second page of your prologue.   Grammar wise, this is a run on sentence with too many referrals to the subject and an obtuse structure.

*He looked over at his end table by the side of the bed, there sat his glasses that he hadn't worn since third grade when he begged his father to magically fix his eyes, he hated when the kids made fun of him because of his glasses*

Then why are they there?  You needlessly explain past events through 'telling' style description, a highly ineffectual and unentertaining style, and proceed to create a historical inconsistency within your fic.  Two docks for making sense.  Here's your yellow card, take a break and think next time.

* Also, his last can of butterbeer sat their that he was drinking while finishing his History of Magic essay on the Salem Witchtrials.*

Their=there, past tense not present, and this adds absolutely nothing to the storyline.  Extraneous, cut it out.

*He swung his legs over the side of the bed, gazed happily at the broomstick and snitch patterned bed cover. He stood up and walked over to his wardrobe, he pulled open half of it and looked in the mirror. He smiled at what he saw, ever since the heat wave had hit, he had only slept in his boxer shorts. He looked into his own deep emerald green eyes, which seemed to get only greener as the years progressed. His hair was in a nice, very marines-like, flattop, buzzed on the sides, and short on the top. It was mussed up so you could clearly see his trademark scar. Around his neck, he wore a tight necklace with lightning bolts around connecting with each other. He looked down at his newly-shaped chest and abdominal muscles, down to his firm thighs and large calf muscles. On the first day back from Hogwarts, he and his Dad had magically enhanced his body to be stronger; he needed help on this of course because it was very magically draining, not as bad as making yourself more magically powerful, but still not easy. His voice had also gotten deeper and was noticeable. Along with his voice he had started shaving, his father let him use his No-Cut, Smooth-Shave Razor that went wonders on his skin and made it smooth as a baby's bottom.*

Okay, as you are not marking altverse and instead claiming it's a what if divergence....   This violates your milieu.  If a wizard could do that then everyone in wizard school would have done it.   It reads as 'power up harry like a god'.  Moreso Harry is no longer here, instead it is ANC/SI syndrome rearing it's ugly head.  And unwarned too.  Why even bother with this kind of power up when Harry survives in the original milieu and should be better trained here anyhow. From internal consistency, external consistency, and plot perspectives this gets a red card.  A highly damaging plot device that causes many a reader to leave in disgust.

*Finally the mirror snapped, 'Okay Casanova! You're very nice looking, now put some pants on for Merlin's sake!' Harry grinned and pulled out some robes. Some scarlet and gold ones, 'In honor of Gryffindor,' he thought and also put on some tan khakis, a white dress shirt and red tie. He figured that some point he would go outside and play quidditch so he figured he would be taking off his robes soon anyway. Then he walked out his bedroom door and down the hall to where his best friend Ron Weasley was staying. When they met on the train in first year, he remembered the name Weasley from the Ministry. When he was younger, his Dad took him to the Ministry, where James Potter was Minister of Magic and met some of the wizards there. Mr. Weasley in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office was by far the nicest. Many of the wizards shooed Harry out and said that they needed to get back to work.*

*sigh*
Grammar: You still have the same consistent run on sentence problem afflicting your work here.  Additionally you also insert multiple primary subjects in your sentence structure.  Bad form and ambiguous.
Writing style: You excessively utilize the telling style of writing here, going out of your way to explain every possible angle (slight exaggeration) and remove any sense of 'suspension of disbelief'.  It's like I'm reading a bad essay that wants to get all of it's points out right from the bat.
Plot: Well this whole thing is a plot mess.  Not a black hole thankfully, but a real mess.  It requires almost multiple reads to really see the number of things you just flip right by in your story.  To use my second favorite card: "Show Don't TELL!"

Your next paragraph, unquoted out of mercy, extends the important plot flaw of timing.  We have no idea how old Harry is or anything else in comparison to set the fic down.

*

"Hey, just because you have a crush on my mum..." Harry grinned; he knew Ron would deny it.



"I. Do not. Have. A crush. On your mum!" Ron fumed*

Next we see a grand section of formatting errors.  Congratulations, we now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can find your enter key.  Please stop pressing it a dozen times  between lines.

Additionally, the dialogue here is... in a word your dialects stink.  The usage of periods to accent terms and denote style of speaking is wretched indeed.  Bold Type anyone?  MAYBE SHOUTING!  Or perhaps just the stylistic of the "Inserting Caps At The Beginning Of Every Word For EMPHASIS!"

Either way, you are inconsistent even in that writing style which makes it seem accidentally wrong instead of intentionally written as such.

*Harry started down the stairs and headed towards the dinning room where the Potters, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were all seated around the table with big grins on their faces.*

Just because they are described in the original book does not give you leeway to leave them as just names.  Failure to describe your characters is a definite flaw.

Your letter...stylistically was fine (unquoted here do to size considerations) though your problem with having too much fun with your enter key appears again.

The responses for it defy believability.  The whole maruaders deal just rings abjectly stupid.  Whether it was believable in the Canon I cannot say...  but it isn't believable here.

*"Oh don't be too impressed, I just put a couple Duplicating charms on your old one, should work just as good though." Sirius explained.*

My god...I didn't believe it when this was included in the submission.  You sir have no sense of propriety whatsoever.  What next?  Is Goku going to appear and teach him?  Maybe Merlin or Raistlin shalt see him as the perfect apprentice.  How about him collecting Excalibur for his personal use?  This is a plot hole, a large one.  Why wouldn't invisibility cloaks be bloody common if you could duplicate them that easily.  Make Sense has gotten ANGRY at you.

And here's another reason WHY

*"But, us being as lazy as we are*

Pardon me sir, but you just kicked your plot device in it's own ass.  Your foot went rather deep and might require surgery to remove.  You just had them build up an incredibly elaborate and complicated scheme....  and now they are lazy?

RED CARD Number TWO.  Off to the sidelines for the rest of the fic.

*"Impressive," said Harry as Ron walked down the stairs and entered the Dining Room. On sat down and noticed James, Sirius and Harry had put on innocent faces.*

Impressive?  Where does this line come into play?   Harry has seen artifacts get copied, reality altered, physical properties warped...  and he finds a brief illusion spell impressive?

*Dear Fred and George/Dean/Seamus/Neville



I would like to offer you all a position in the new group of Marauders*

Over usage of enter key again...AND MAN that really hurt my belief sense.  They are writing LETTERS revealing:

*      - To become an illegal Animagi (I'll show you how in school)*


My kami...  Well, the last line fits.  Add -To have no sense of subtlety or secrecy.

This is really pathetic.  Utterly so.

*"Well, there's been some reported Death Eater activity in London, so that's why I need to tell you this before you left."*

Yes, and godzilla is also out there.  Just thought that you needed to know.  And there seems to be an evil arch wizard after your soul.  Don't worry though.  Just thought you should know.  Have a nice day!

Translation: I'd ask if he was mentally crippled, but I know he's limited to your strings puppetmaster.  So, are you mentally crippled?

...  The whole power up like a god bit...  WRONG FAIL DIE!  Man...  You really know how to kill believability here.

*"Harry! Don't worry, your mother and I will train you as well as Dumbledore... Everything will be okay!" James tried to calm Harry down. "Harry? Harry, are you okay?" Harry slowly slumped to the floor, Ron ran over to him and tried to keep him conscious but it was no help as Harry slowly slipped out of consciousness.*

Yes, even though you've been living with us all your life we've never spent a moment teaching you any magic.  Never mind that we've powered you up like a god and explained how the blood of mage kings runs in your blood.  Nope, you are in serious danger now and absolutely must be attended to by our own personal teachings.

*actually being there. Right now, you, myself and a few of my carefully selected Death Eaters to the wizard prison Azkaban where now you will see what you will no longer experience, a normal childhood. Because when I can finally capture you, you will be killed*

Yes, I am the evil villain.  And this is my trap that you have fallen into.  Here are all the details.  Now I will make your life a living hell and kill you.  Just to prevent you from having a normal childhood.

What's that gentle reader... you ask how Harry in this fic has anything resembling a normal life in this fic?  Well he has.  Nanni Nanni boo boo, I'm right and your wrong and Harry must die and suffer and get crucified!

*bell rings*

Oh gosh darn it.  It's tea time.  Guess I have to send you home Harry.  Same time next week?

Sure Voldemort!

*End Prologue*

Well, I think I've seen enough.  Jury, your verdict?

"Guilty."

Judge, your sentence?

"You have consistently violated the make sense school of critiquing guidelines.  You have several counts of grammar flaws, plot inconsistencies, extraneous entrances, and worst of all the consistent utilizing of Telling to write your story.  Additionally on a personal note I found myself offended by your formatting.  Absolutely wretched and an insult to the artform of constructing a story.  I sentence you to the ridicule of your peers and the understanding of just how wretched a writer you are."

Addendum: As noted above, the author is also guilty of flaming those who have sent him criticism.  He did so in bad form and bad taste, generally making himself look like a fool.  Therefore the ECB will extend this session to cover his review response/flame style.

Heir of hogworts Flame response for analysis:
*darkphoenix you need to chill the fuck out before you get your ass kicked. If you don't like my fic then don't read it jackass, you fucking dyke. Since your complaining about my fic not being original go and find me an original fic on this fucking site, i'll be amazed. Until then, you can shut the fuck up and go write some more fucking anime fics you fucking loser.*

Hum, reading directly below your review, I see a harsh non-flame critique of your story.  I see not one but two valid concerns raised in a blunt and effective fashion.  Way to go for attacking the guy who tried to help you out!  You should pat yourself on the back and give yourself a kudos bar!  Now for line by line...

*darkphoenix you need to chill the fuck out before you get your ass kicked.*

You sir need a chill pill yourself.  As well as a darn good lesson in flaming and insulting.

First off, you are conveying your opinion over the internet.  Physical threats only demean the effect and make you look silly.  What, is the big bad wolf Heir of Hogworts going hunt down Darkphoneix and make him cry for his mooommmy?

Additionally, you are flaming, he is not.  Some of this criticism from here on out will flame you for example purposes.

Example:
Idiot compliment: "Yuor Fic Rulze!"
Intelligent Compliment: "Your fic was intriguing for reasons a, b, c, ad infinitum."
Idiot criticism: "Yuor fic SUKCED ASS!"
Intelligent criticism: "You have flaws in your fic that makes mind my hurt viewing them.  Note specifically here and there."
Idiot Flame: "Fuck you you fucking fucker.  I'll fuck you up your fucking fuck fuck fuck ass!"
Intelligent flame: "You sir smell of a donkey's ass.  You really should stop treating betsy that way.  I know, as her son, you feel the distinct urge to be close to her.  But that is just plain wrong."

Note the elaborate usage of alternative offensive stratagem in an intelligent flame.

*If you don't like my fic then don't read it jackass*

He likely won't ever again.  Congrats on losing a reader who tried to help you.  Question: Were you born retarded or did your pet goat kick you too many times in the head while performing a gross and disgusting act upon your face?"  Indeed, the flavoring of terms such as "jackass" to describe someone who spent time correcting your errors is such a polite and caring phrase...  I can't imagine why you haven't been stabbed with a knife Darwin boy.

*you fucking dyke*

You reused the term Fuck here.  I'll let that stand for itself in light of my earlier definitions.  Additionally, just because your sexual preferences run towards the bestial appreciation of a jackal's ass upon your face does not mean you must hate all those who are different from you.  BELIEVE!  There is a spot for those who ought NEVER BREED upon the face of the earth.

* Since your complaining about my fic not being original go and find me an original fic on this fucking site, i'll be amazed.*

There are many, but why he should make up for your own inability to use a search engine has yet to be investigated.  Could it be you are too busy farting on your enter key to perform the necessary five minute search?  Maybe your brain shut down from staring at the cover of that Harry potter book you never purchased?  Additionally, he is accusing you of stealing original ideas without disclaiming their source.  This, for those who took the five dollar law class and missed this part, is 'I-l-l-e-g-a-l'.  Yes, that means wrong he who replaced his brains with monkey shit.  It also means that if I took the time, I could likely get you booted off of fanfiction.net like many other plagiarists.

*Until then, you can shut the fuck up and go write some more fucking anime fics you fucking loser.*

You mean original and creative fics that aren't stealing other people's plot device?  I know your dick is small, even by Japanese standards, but certainly that doesn't mean Dark Phoneix is going to be interested in fucking you.  Odd definition of loser... If I read right your definition of loser is:
Anyone > You  = Loser

Here's a better one:
You= Loser slime bucket who probably can't even tell he's gotten his ass handed to him and his head beaten six ways from sunday.

One definition works.  The other is yours.  To be more clear:

"It's not my fault you suck." -Gabriel


Regarding your fans:
You can round up a million maggots to try to defeat me... but you'll still all just be maggots!
- Luca Blight

Yes, I have very high opinions of those who tell you to write more.

I really have to ask as you openly asked DP to start raping your ass publicly in verbal style:
"What's it like being a complete and total fucking retard?"-Gord

I believe your fic has taken too many levels in Rotting fungus.  It really needs to take levels in "Erase stupidity!"

Well due to curiosity, your author's notes are also being ECB'ed.

*I'm adding this note onto Harry Potter and the Secret because I would like to tell all people that I am discontinuing all of my writing of Harry Potter fan fiction.*

WOOT!  Victory for Intelligencia.  One less author who insults that rare small group of people that take time out of their day to help improve "YOUR STORY".  THREE CHEERS FOR THE NITPICKERS!

BTW, you didn't have anything even resembling nitpickers before.  You had a few basic criticisms.  THIS is a nitpicking.  Note the difference in the future.  Maybe you'll save yourself some anguish and negative commentary.

*Why am I doing it? Well recently, some readers have decided to leave some rather nasty reviews and/or nit pick about the stupidest things. It's just not worth any writer to write for ff.net if people are going to flame.*

Stupid?  If it genuinely gives trouble to the enjoyment of the fic...in the bloody prologue no less, then it generally isn't stupid.  But feel free to whine and cry about people helping you out.  Your childish tactics bring you much renown...indeed your fic might never have come before the ECB if you weren't such an ass.

Additionally, I already covered flaming.  Did betsy kick you in the head again?  Really sir, you have a very thin skin for criticism.  And your fic, to my Make Sense School of Criticism, reads as a target....  standing still...in the middle of an open field.  With a bullseye on the front...carrying a sign that says: "Goats fuck me up the ass and I enjoy it!"

*I'm sorry to those who actually enjoyed my writing like Cujo6931 and HarryandHermione4ever but sometimes its just a few people who ruin it for everyone.*

I'm sorry for them too.  Sorry they exist that is.  It's idiots like that that give C&C'ers all over ff.net a bad name in all other forums of fanfiction writing.

*If you would like to e-mail me and tell me that you actually liked my writing, you're welcome to e-mail me as pfeifdog2002@aol.com and maybe if I get enough e-mails I will personally e-mail those people the remaining chapters. *

Sorry times up.  Though if you wish for another ECB, feel free to submit your work.  We might have an opening in a month or so.

*ECB Concluded*

Fearless Leader

[Dracos]

Interesting read for sure. But let's face it, not all that good as some people make it out to be.

While the grammar and spelling is much better then many fics here on FF.net, there still are many mistakes. They're just not as visible. The descriptions vary from a short one liner to a full paragraph in length. No consistency. Same with the scene transitions.

One thumb down.

The plot has to be read to be believed and even then it's hard. Almost instant body modifications for a couple characters. They don't sound like the same people anymore. The twised ancestry of the new Harry. Elminister and Raistlin could be added without any difficulty. The very out of character game of Truth or Dare really pushes the boundries of belief.

Another thumb down.

In conclusion, CyMage the Volunteer Critic, gives this fic two thumbs down.

CM

[Dracos]

First a link to the reviews page where the fun continues:

http://www.fanfiction.net/reviews.php?storyid=722218

Amazingly idiots had the audacity to attempt to battle the ECB, much fun ensued.  Verily, we seek to share the fun with you!  Only our retorts though will be posted here.   See the above link for their mind boggling  attacks upon our persons.

See below for more

Fearless leader

[Dracos]

DP does this one, and while I'm here may I suggest any bored fool smack this idiots e-mail around.  The dumb and gullible deserve no protection.

<Begin comment>
**PLEEEEEEEEZE, continue this story on line!**

Good Lord, why should he continue it? Do you enjoy inflicting brain damage upon yourself?

**This is a great story and should definitely be continued regardless of what some f***ing moron flamers say. I know that they can be pretty awful, but thats no reason to stop writing! I've read most of the reviews and yes there are some bad ones, but A LOT of people love this story, and for good reason.**

The f***ing moron, as you like to say, would be The Heir of Hogwarts...just encase you haven't noticed. I'm not as eloquent as KFL, but you can refer to his ECB of this fic if you need examples of why this is true. I like to give comparisons when I critique stuff, not just fics. For now, all that I can think of to compare The Heir and you to, now that you have deemed to involve yourself, is the kid that lives nextdoor to me. He's almost ten and still eating mud pies and getting crayons stuck up his nose...For some reason, I believe you may still have that problem.

**To put it plainly... it's GREAT, no, WONDERFUL and there is only one reason a talented writer like yourself should be flamed is for giving up.**

GREAT? WONDERFUL? Pardon me while I gag...there, all better. If the Heir is a talented writer, then I'm Shakespeare. Do I sound like Shakespeare to you? No, I don't. Draw your own conclusions. Now, about this 'giving up deserves flames' thing...The only way he'll stop 'getting' flames is by giving up. If the Heir gives up and crawls back into his hole, then he'll never have to worry about another flame again.

**You should never have given up, you have honorable writing skills and a magnificent imagination. Once again please reconsider your descision on not writing/posting the rest of this. If this and many other reviws have not convinced you to re-post, please at least e-mail the remaining chapters to me if writen.**

This is the part where I'm struck speechless. Honorable writing skills? Does he use his honorable writing skills to rescue fair damsels in distress? Magnificent imagination? I honestly can't think of anything even remotely sarcastic to say to that load of BS.

**My adress is 'matt@insley.com'**

Big Mistake.
<end Comment>
Fearless Leader

[Dracos]

Here's rez with a relatively polite opening shot.  Pity the imbeciles didn't know they were getting off easy..


<begin comment>
This is in two parts.

---

Firstly, to the author:

My opinion on the fic is that, well, while the technical quality of the writing is better than most of that on FFnet (although still fairly mediocre, IMO)... the plotline suffers greatly. It makes no sense. I seriously suggest you have a good hard look at your plotline and try to plan it out logically.

Not that I expect you to listen to my opinion, given what I've seen so far.

Hell, given the eloquence with which you've been writing authors notes in here I'd be surprised if you were capable of understanding everything I say here. o_O

You're throwing up your hands and whining over the fact that people don't like your story?

GET OVER IT. Not everyone is going to like your story, it's part of the unpleasantness of being a writer. Besides which, why should it bug you? Are you completely incapable of taking criticism?

What the hell do you think the review system is for, nitwit? We aren't here to tell you how wonderful we are. The point is to give you feedback on your fic... you're sitting there bitching about 'nitpicking' and the fact that people don't like it. Feedback that you're whining about is the entire poing. Your fic is not the greatest thing ever to hit the world, and to think that everybody in creation is going to like it is the pinnacle of hubris. You can never please all the people, all of the time, so stick with writing what YOU want to.

You demonstrated that you can't accept criticism, which is alright... but do you have to start WHINING about it into the bargain? It's pathetic!

Why the heck do you write fanfiction? It seems to me that you only write so that people will tell you how great you are. Goddammit, if you want blind adoration, go get a dog. We aren't here to suck you off and praise your glory.

I swear, if you DO pack up and leave we'd probably all be better off.

---

To the reviewer just before me (too gutless to leave their name):

He's interfering with your reading? I disagree with you... so you're interfering with my reading the fic too! O_O

Have I demonstrated just what a stupid thing that was for you to say?

Probably not sufficiently for you, but what the hey - it'll be enough for most anyone with a brain cell. As for it being pathetic to dissect every little piece of a story, well... I guess you've never heard of the concept of C&C. Not that I'd expect it from an FFnet leech like yourself, but...

Bah. I don't know why I'm bothering.

Go Fuck A Donkey, nonetheless. :-)
<End comment>

Fearless Leader

[Dracos]

Xaldaran doesn't flame often but here he rips right into the blimey fools.

<Begin comment>

** This is by far the best harry potter fic i've ever read.**

Well, not having much Harry Potter fanfiction I can't say much about the quality of the fandom in general. However, if this is one of the best offerings of said fandom then I won't bother with it.

**It's ok if that kind fearless leader moron doesn't like the story, but it's just pathetic to dissect every little piece of the story, and then act all highly civilized about.**

Well, calling KFL a moron is rather inaccurate. He comes across as more of a sarcastic bastard in his ECBs. Unfortunately, anything less seldom gets through to those graced with an ECB.

**I mean, this leader person must have absolutely no life what so ever.**

Heh, I've read better insults in fortune cookies.

**In that way, i do feel sorry for him,**

And I'm sure that he sleeps better at night knowing that you express such concern on his behalf.

**but if he keeps interfering with my reading, and there'll be hell to pay!!!**

Well, this line here shows me that you should nominate yourself for a Darwin Award.

How, exactly, will there be hell to pay? Are you going to have your magical gremlins sneak into his house and make his life miserable?
Maybe get your l33t hacker friends mess with his computer? Or are you just going to whine to mommy and daddy that the bad man is saying mean things about a story you like?

**there are so very few good quality H/H adventure stories out there, and it would be a travesty if such an amazing story was cut down by a ranting lunatic.**

Well, if this is your idea of amazing then I feel sorry for you.

And also, I believe that you are incorrect in the label that you apply to KFL. There are many things that you could call KFL and remain semi-accurate, lunatic is not one of those things.

**So please, for the good of the whole literature community, i beg you to please publish the story.**

So please, for the good of the literary community, I beg you, do not publish this story.

I am going to be gracious and assume that you can understand the underlying differences in our two pleas.

Now which of the two do you believe will actually benefit the literary community as a whole when heeded?

<Comment end>

Fearless Leader

[Dracos]

And here I myself fire another shot into the breach.  Pity that I really messed up my french.   No editting done on this line.

<Begin>
To monsieurs Anon 1 and 2, as well as to Saiyanpride while I'm here.

I find it distinctly pathetic that not only can the author not take constructive criticism and impartial analysis as offered by the ECB, but his fans as well are incapable of merely reading the story and offering counter criticism or commentary. As a near professional C&C, I have noted time and time again that it is of the absolute importance to announce if you disagree with a specific criticism. Your attempts to flame are in a word, pathetic. Did I not just give a lesson on how to improve your flaming? Ye'd think that in reading mine own words you'd be better armed to attack me. Yes, your posts were flames as they did not comment even once on the fic at hand. Not once did you mention what the author did well. Not once did you contest a single specific point of my criticism. Not once did you even comment on the plot at hand. Now, one of us is dangerous to the advent of successful literature.

It should be obvious which one.

Alas, I think neither of you are of sufficient intellectual capability to understand my words. C'est est la pity de la americain education system. To mine comrades who hath posted here in the vain attempt to salvage this pathetic literary work, inclusive of myself in this, I suggest we take our time to more productive and intelligent authors whose heads are not liking their own assholes. Additionally, to my comrades who hath come out here in order to defend my unquestionable honor, I thank ye for the gesture. Let it be remembered that the word of the ECB is final. The impartial judgement of the writings which come under it's lens has yet to be wrong. And likely never will as unlike many 'fans', it represents a tremendous amount of intellect considering the literary work at hand.

Again, I apologize for daring to think that a writer may wish to extend themselves beyond a fourth grade writing level. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that many found this criticism helpful in their own writings and amusing as well.

detractors, I wish thee well. There will always be shitholes for you to live in.

Fearless Leader
ECB Founder
<End>

Fearless Leader

[Dracos]

Rezantis, being the loving  chap  that he is, took the time out of his day to fire another shot into that dark hole of harry potter'isms.

<begin>
Not really the place for it, but since this pathetic ass doesn't want to leave his email, well...

To Mr "I'll have to check on that..."

Was it seriously too hard for you to write all that into one review? You know. Think about what you're going to write before hitting the Submit button?

Thinking may be beyond you, but please at least try.

Anyway. You said:
"and another thing, what magic the gathering card did you get your name from anyways?"

That's a pretty piss-poor attempt at an insult. If you're really wondering where my name comes from, Google is a wonderful resource. Besides, given how many people around here pull their names directly from everything else, well...

Well, except you. I'm not sure if your submitted name is trying to demonstrate just what degree of moron you are, or what, but... I think you get the point. ^_^

You said:
"you and the rest of these weirdos make me sick."

Punctuation's beyond you as well? Doesn't surprise me.

I can only hope I am making you sick, I've heard I occasionally cause that kind of reaction in the terminally stupid. Trying to converse with someone who has an actual mind overloads them, or something.

You said:
"Oh, and did you hear? there's this new invention, it's called sunlight, so why don't you get up and get your pale, pathetic, pimple-pinching ass outside!!!"

Actually, most of the human race discovered the daystar several eons ago. It's not exactly new, unless you've just crawled out of the swamps. Given the intelligence you're showing, that's not as far-fetched as I'd like to think. o_O

'pale, pathetic, pimple-pinching ass' - how long did it take you to think of that one? I'm surprised your vocabulary stretches that far, personally. Go shove a flagpole up your ass, shitpisser.

"it's the first step back into the societal world."

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, cretin, because here your tenuous grasp on the english language clearly broke - possibly why the missive ends at this point. I don't know what the hell a 'societal world' is meant to be, nor am I going to waste time trying to understand when you are clearly incapable of communicating.

Since you didn't get it the first time, Go Fuck A Donkey. At least that should stop you from pissing in the human gene pool. :)
<End>
Fearless Leader