Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Fanfiction Readers' Worst Enem

[Dracos]

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The case of: "The Evil Commentary Bureau versus Fanfiction Readers' Worst Enemy!"
Reviewed by: Evil Commentary Bureau Evil Proofreader
Review edited by: Kind Fearless Leader

*Begin ECB*
Setsuna's Worst Enemy

By Dbzjose

Disclaimer: The story's mine, the Characters aren't


ECB: This, is one of those utterly rare and almost unheard of line by line C&C's. This is also why I so rarely find myself reviewing a fic, mainly because this is the only way I can truly be satisfied in doing. Now, onto the review! ^_^




Ch1 Her What!!!!



It was a pretty normal day at the outers home, I mean for the Sailor

ECB: Lets start here... with the total lack of a proper descriptor for the diction of a work of literary fiction. This would be the wording of a day to day conversation, from one friend to the next, not to be used for the conveying of a story in the format of the written word. To be blunt it is less than the mark of a novice writer, is it the mark of someone that truly does not care about what they're producing. Use of the first person in a third person POV story... bad.


Senshi. There was a report of a youma at some park, but the inners had

ECB: Ah yes, the lovely Inner/Outer fandom creation... How I wish I could read a fic these days that didn't have to include these created references. Second, the outers NEVER faced a youma. Youma were the creatures used solely by the forces of Beryl and never again in the entire series. Third, that's all? You only just go with those few words to describe what happened at the park? That it was just some park? This isn't you retelling something to someone in person, you should AT LEAST give a general location of the area.


taken care of that. So currently all the members of the outers were at

ECB: Where did you learn grammar? And, why are you attempting to write a story without proper knowledge of its usage? Yes, you can try the age old argument of it being a story and not needing knowledge of proper grammar... Let me tell you this, it is utter bull crap. Only those with a knowledge of how grammar works can properly learn when it can be twisted, or broken entirely and maintain the integrity of their writing in a convincing fashion. The sentence beginning in this line should read: "So currently, all the members of the outers were" This isn't even mentioning the problems I have with your utter disregard for the fundamental usage of more than the basest of descriptors, nor the utterly sour diction used thus far.


home. Hotaru was in her room doing the last of her homework, Michiru and

ECB: Ah yes... the lovely, peaceful scene of a family at rest... What homework is Hotaru doing? What is she wearing? Where in her room is she doing said homework? Is she sitting at a desk, lying down on her bed, what? Is she working hard, or is her mind else where? These ALL should be questions you should consider and then answer BEFORE they're even raised. With how you're running these sentences with just a description of where each person is, it would simply be better to state each location in a separate sentence. Remember, a paragraph is a minimum of three sentences, it is not limited to that.


Haruka were in the living room getting uhm... comfortable with each other

ECB: Inputting something such as "uhm" or "uh" or "eh" or any similar bits of what should be a word should be reserved solely for dialogue. They have NO place being in the middle of a sentence expositing the goings on of a household as told from the point of view of a third person narrator. And here, yet again you fail to describe anything about either person, instead, content to sit by lazily and allow the reader to paint their own picture in their mind, fuzzy and indistinct. If you wish to forgo the descriptions of their actual actions simply put the word comfortable in quotation marks, like this: "comfortable". That gives it the impression of your using the word to make an innuendo.

while pretending to watch TV, and Setsuna was in her room going over some

ECB: What kind of program is on TV? How does the light play off their bodies? What's Setsuna's room like? What's the living room like for that matter? Are they all just clothed in the illusionary mist that is reader's imagination? A world solely dependant upon the impressions of the reader, without the input of the author of the work? If you said yes, then, you are truly not a writer. A writer crafts the world the for mind to interpret, they are not dependant upon the mind of the reader to craft the world.


books and some scrolls.

ECB: What kind of scrolls? And the books, are they well maintained? New? Musty and oldy? What? Are they bound in a simple plain cover unadorned by pictures or letters, or is it a beautiful interlacing thread of gold that sweeps about the weathered cover as if a wild vine that stretches out to encompass all about it in time? What is it?

Yes it was a pretty uneventful day for the outers.

ECB: If you're going to use a succinct sentence, please, use one that's going to have more impact than THAT! The use of a single sentence paragraph is to isolate the words and strike true their importance. It is NOT used to reiterate something that has already been previously stated. That ruins that effectiveness of such a sentence. Second, despite how things might seem, a NORMAL day for the Senshi does NOT include fighting a monster. Especially when they don't have an evil force attacking. Which, despite what it seems like in the series, isn't that often.


Well, that was about to change pretty quickly.

ECB: Again, the use of the word pretty as an adjective for adjective... To be blunt, don't do this. It only deadens the sentence. Pretty is used to describe a noun, such as a pretty girl or a pretty sunset. Even then, it's a poor descriptor for something. It leaves a vague, indeterminate vision in a person's head. How are they pretty? What makes them pretty, etc etc etc.  




As Haruka and Michiru were talking, yeah that's it, Michiru happened to

ECB: Please do NOT insert author commentary like that.  It might not appear to be such on the surface without the obvious (Author insert: ) but in this case with the ", yeah that's it," that is exactly what it is. The author inserting their own words as if speaking this aloud, and in a way as if some hesitant child unsure if his hand was caught in the cookie jar or not. Also, you should have drawn some differences in between the two by now, someone that's never seen Sailor Moon should be able to get a decent picture of just what these characters look like based solely upon your descriptions of them.


stumble on to a large bruise on Haruka's arm that made her wince.

ECB: Why would Michiru wince? That is how the sentence reads, plus, what part of Michiru's body stumbled upon the bruise? What color was the bruise? Was it fresh and purple, or had it faded and started to turn yellow? Second... You DO NOT HAVE THREE ONE SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS BACK TO BACK! It makes no sense, not to mention disrupting the flow of the story.

"Haruka were did you get that nasty bruise?" asked Michiru.

ECB: "Haruka, where did you get that nasty bruise?" that is how the sentence should read as is. However, this doesn't seem to match the speech patterns of a natural person to me, let alone the relaxed elegance that is Michiru. Also, HOW did she ask? Is she concerned, worried, or half just half paying attention to these things? The audience needs to know this.

"I'd ratter not talk about that." grumbled Haruka.

ECB: Please, use a spell checker and THEN go back over it once more. The word should be "rather" not ratter. Also, when you end a sentence of dialogue like this where it goes into describing who and how said what was said, you use a comma, not a period. Also, you shouldn't constantly refer to them by their names, it gets old and tedious after a while. There are a number of other ways to describe Haruka, like "the short-haired blonde" "the racecar driver" "the blonde tomboy" all these can accurately describe Haruka, along with "her lover".

"Come on, tell me" said Michiru . Haruka just shook her head." Please tell

ECB: One, there shouldn't be a space between Michiru and the period. Second, if you're going from a sentence to a quote/dialogue without changing paragraphs, you DO NOT use a period, you use a comma. There should also be a comma after the Please. Next, you should almost NEVER use the word said, there will always be a better word for what you wish to describe, in this case, something like "prodded" or "goaded" or such similar.

me, if you tell me I'll be sure that when you go to sleep tonight, the last

ECB: This should be broken up into two sentences. They really don't work well together as they are, seeming to be a stream of fragments strewn together for nothing. Also, you should reword the second part of this... "be sure that when you" it just doesn't sound as if a person is naturally speaking as is. The simplest solution would be to simply remove the that, but, even more could be done to it.

thing on your mind will be that bruise on your arm" said Michiru with a sly
smile.


ECB: Since this is a widow, I figured I'd just include it as a single line instead of a pair. Ok, first suggestion, lose the on "your arm", its redundant and un needed. Second, again, you end a quotation headed into a regular sentence like this with a comma. Third, here's said again! This was a PERFECT opportunity in which to use a word like "purrs" not to mention how you could have enhanced it with a nuzzle, a cuddle, or some sort of semi-intimate gesture. A good example would be "purred Michiru with a sly grin as she nibbled at Haruka's ear." Get my point? And that's just a bare bones description, you could go much, much more indepth from there.

" Michiru, are you suggesting something inappropriate" smiled Haruka .

ECB: Again, here you should think about what sounds nature vs. what would be written word appropriate in dialogue. Not everyone talks strict and proper, and I do believe especially not Haruka. She is a racecar driver after all. Second, you just left it there with "smiled Haruka." You could have added so much more, and second of all, there's still no need to continue to refer to them both by their names, it gets rather old.

" Well I can think of many way to help heal that wound, with one of those

ECB: Starting off, you don't put spaces between quotation marks and the beginnings of a sentence. Second, you missed a number of punctuation/spelling errors here. "Well," "ways" "wound. With" Also you used very poorly chosen diction here. First, I would change "of many way" to "any number of ways" or similar such wording. Second, its not a "wound" a wound implies flesh broken open, a great deal of damage done to the body. A sword cut is a wound, a stabbing is a wound, being shot is a wound. A bruise is NOT a wound. Also, you have no need to add in the "with" in "with one," it just doesn't work well.

ways being for you to take a hot bath with someone giving you a massage. Of

ECB: Again, this doesn't sound right. Repeat how she say this out loud, does it sound right to you? Do the words and diction meet that which would be used by Michiru? Do they sound like how a normal person would speak? These are all the questions that you should ask yourself when writing dialogue, otherwise it just comes off as being crappy.

course you would have to be naked." replied with the same smile.

ECB: ... ARGH! I give up! I have already DOUBLED the size of this fic solely with comments upon the FIRST PAGE! I will reserve the remainder of my comments for the end notes!



HA I left all of you hanging with that cliff hanger

You'll just have to wait until the next chapter to know such questions as;

How did Shampoo and Ranma get together?

How does Ranma know Setsuna's Secret?

How will the rest of the senshi react when the find out about this.

Will Ranma charm affect any of the senshi?

And does Ranma and Shampoo still cursed.

For the answers to these question and more tune in next chapter when we TRY
to answers these.

That's it. It's the end of the Chapter go back

ECB: Well, that was certainly a waste of time. This work is one of the primary reasons why some people should be shot before they attempt to put "pen to paper," figuratively speaking of course. The grammar, descriptions, characterization, plot and premise leave so much to be desired that it hurts the mind. I simply look at this and it twists my stomach to such a degree that I cannot continue. Not to mention the childish end notes that follow. All in all,  this fic fails with the strongest possible F I can give...if there was a lower grade, then I would give it one.
*End ECB*