The Demon Chase (original idea)

[tabyk]

This is another one of those "I got the idea and wrote 1-2 scenes" stunts that I seem to pull all the time.  This is actually the epiloge of the story idea, but it should give you enough to imagine more.  Was hoping for some grammer and idea feedback on it...

    * * * * * * * * * *    Epilogue   * * * * * * * * * *

                  * * * Two Days Later * * *

    Taking a moment to inhale the crisp morning air, it's chill
only now starting to fade in the wake of dawns light, Okura
stepped up to the edge of the shrine and looked down.

    There were exactly 99 stone steps leading up to the shrine,
a number that had been etched into his soul as a child when it
became his duty to sweep them every morning.  Surrounding them
was a small range of trees and bushes, carefully tended to create
an air of tranquility for those who came.  In these uncertain
days, it was often needed.

    A flash of color caught his eye, and he spotted the twins as
they picked their way along the path to the stairs.  Unlike their
frantic and terrible flight here two nights ago, their pace was
slow, careful, as they picked their way along the path to the
bottom of the stairs and started their climb.

    It was harder to tell them apart now, he noticed.  They'd
always been identical sisters, physically the same since birth,
but their personalities were different enough that a person who
knew what to look for could tell them apart easily enough.  But
now....

    It was Cho who lead, pointing out flowers and things that
interested her to her sister.  Always the quiet one, studious,
unassuming, it was she who now carried the strength of the pair,
at least for the time being.  And Sorano, who was normally the
outgoing and adventurous one, now hesitated, clinging to her
sister for the strength that was silently offered.  Of the two,
it was she who had been most visibly effected by their recent
ordeal.

    But he didn't blame her.  To be actually attacked by a
monster straight out of legend, and then to be saved another,
would have a profound effect upon anyone.

    Finally reaching the top of the stairs, still hand in hand,
the two girls smiled before Cho said, "Good morning,
Grandfather."

    Turning he slowly walked back into the temple proper,
glancing over his shoulder briefly to make sure that the girls
were following him.  Seeing them, dressed now in simple temple
robes, he once more wondered how the wretched drunk that was his
son had managed to raise the two of them, though he thought it
likely that it was their mother's influences, before she had
passed away, that had shaped them into the blossoming young women
that he saw now.

    Stepping onto the soft tatami mats Okura sat, gesturing for
his granddaughters to join him.  Once they had settled he took a
deep breath before saying, "Today I wish to begin your
instruction in this temples traditions and knowledge that have
survived these last 400 years."  Then taking a serious look at
the both of them he asked, "Do you wish to learn?"

    He watched as the twins glanced at each other, before Sorano
slowly reached out and took Cho's hand in her own.  The two then
smiled, and as one turned towards him and said, "Yes, we are,
Grandfather."

    Nodding he then said, "Today's lesson shall be one in demon
lore."  Noticing the girls' suddenly unsure look, he paused
before clearing his voice...

    "There are many demons which inhabit, or visit, this world
of ours.  Each one is a separate creature with it's own name and
history, but the one I shall speak of today is called Terimiko."  
Keeping an eye on the girls, both who had suddenly paled, he
continued.  "This particular demon was worse then most in the old
days, well known for his rampages and destruction across the
known lands."

    "For over three hundred years he preyed upon villages and
travelers, even as civilization pressed forward, until one day he
stumbled across the Hisahoshi shrine where a beautiful young
maiden named Tori lived.  The moment that Terimiko spotted Tori,
he became consumed with desire, and tried to take her."

    "Tori was a strong-willed woman, however, devoted to her god
and learned in the spiritual ways, and the battle between them
was a furious one that eventually ended in a draw.  Her powers
were enough to stop the demon from destroying the shrine, but
only as long as she stayed on them.  The demon eventually learned
of this, and in using this knowledge threatened to destroy every
farm and village within a hundred miles of the shrine if she
didn't submit to him."

    "Fearful for the lives at stake, she struck a terrible
bargain.  In exchange for her body to sate his desires, he was
restrained from harming anyone that she claimed as a neighbor,
but only as long as she kept her beauty."

    "For two years she kept him at the temple, captive of her
beauty and forced to perform menial errands in her name, but even
as she kept him her body paid an awful price.  Because of his
dark powers she eventually lost her sight, as well as her ability
to walk.  While she retained her beauty, she became forever
crippled."

    "And then one day, while the demon was away to fetch
something for her, she was visited by an angel.  The angel said
that it had been asked by another to gift her with eternal beauty
until the day she died, so that the demon would stay enslaved to
her.  However, if she accepted the gift, she would be forever
changed."

    Slowly shaking his head he concluded, "She didn't even
hesitate.  In order to protect the world for as long as she could
she accepted the gift, and in doing so she was changed, becoming
someone no longer completely human."

    "Was it Kami who sent the angel, so that the demon couldn't
hurt anyone?"

    Looking up at the twins, he noticed the tears in their eyes
and smiled in spite of himself.  Turning to face Sorano, who had
asked the question he answered, "No.  It was not Kami, or any
other god for that matter, who had sent the angel."

    It was Cho this time who asked, "Then who did?"

    Taking a minute to observe the morning sky he finally said,
"The demon did.  He had come to love her so much, that he didn't
want to her die."

    * * * * * * * * * *               * * * * * * * * * *

    Having propped herself up off the floor with her arms, the
woman sighed as the morning sun fell upon her, warming her body
in it's light.  She found it ironic that she could now look
straight at it, soaking up it's life giving rays, even as she was
destined to never actually see it again.

    And then the winds spoke to her, whispering of people and
deeds, and she smiled even more.

    Hearing quiet footsteps behind her she turned to face them,
even as an elderly voice called out, "My lady, what are you doing
out of bed, and on such a chilly morning?!  Here, let me carry
you back."

    Slightly shaking her head she replied, "Please, let me stay
just a bit longer.  The sun feels so warm this morning, and I
just wanted to enjoy it."

    Getting the usual sigh, she heard the other woman reply,
"Very well, but be careful.  We don't want you catching a sudden
chill."

    Turning to face the warm sun once more, even as she listened
to the birds sing of the morning, she asked, "Miaka, could you
please get my spring kimono, the blue one with the flowers, from
the storage chest and air it out for me?"

    "My husband has finished his latest task, and he'll want
company tonight."

[Anastasia]

Taking a moment to inhale the crisp morning air, it's chill only now starting to fade in the wake of dawns light, Okura stepped up to the edge of the shrine and looked down.

Hmm, I don't really care for the way your opening paragraph is one run on sentence. I'd consider breaking it into two interlocking, flowing sentences instead.

Also, you may need a ' for dawn's, but I'm not sure offhand.

There were exactly 99 stone steps leading up to the shrine, a number that had been etched into his soul as a child when it became his duty to sweep them every morning.  

Uh...I'd consider typing out ninety nine instead of using numbers. Pet peeve of mine. Also, this sentence feels just a bit run onny to me. I'd stop it at soul myself.

In these uncertain days, it was often needed.

There be da hook, methinks. </Dracosism>

A flash of color caught his eye, and he spotted the twins as they picked their way along the path to the stairs.

Do you mean one color? If that is the case, I'd go ahead and say what color it is; or is it more than one?

Unlike their frantic and terrible flight here two nights ago, their pace was slow, careful, as they picked their way along the path to the bottom of the stairs and started their climb.

This sentence feels strung on as well. I don't really like the slow, careful part, as it adds more commas and bulk to the sentence. Bogs it down a bit, I suppose.

It was Cho who lead, pointing out flowers and things that interested her to her sister.

I'd pair away one of those hers, reworking the wording slightly.

To be actually attacked by a monster straight out of legend, and then to be saved another, would have a profound effect upon anyone.

...Then to be saved another...?  Maybe I'm just missing something, but that doesn't really make sense. Do you need a 'by' in there?

Finally reaching the top of the stairs, still hand in hand, the two girls smiled before Cho said, "Good morning, Grandfather."

1. OMG!!1! LESIBIANS!!  Sorry, had to get that out.

2.  Huh. Perhaps I was just projecting Tenchi into Okura, but I wasn't expecting him to be old. At least old enough to be a Grandfather.

Turning he slowly walked back into the temple proper,
glancing over his shoulder briefly to make sure that the girls were following him.

Feels just a bit abrupt without some sort of notice or SOMETHING from Okura before walking. *Shrugs* Also, you might want to consider a comma after turning.

Seeing them, dressed now in simple temple
robes, he once more wondered how the wretched drunk that was his son had managed to raise the two of them, though he thought it likely that it was their mother's influences, before she had passed away, that had shaped them into the blossoming young women
that he saw now.

Uh, yeah, run onnish to me.

Seeing them, dressed now in simple temple robes, he once more wondered how the wretched drunk that was his son managed to the raise to the two of them. It was likely their mother's influences, before she had passed away she had shaped them into the blossoming young women that he saw now.

At least two, maybe three or four.

"There are many demons which inhabit, or visit, this world of ours.  Each one is a separate creature with it's own name and history, but the one I shall speak of today is called Terimiko."  Keeping an eye on the girls, both who had suddenly paled, he continued.  "This particular demon was worse then most in the old
days, well known for his rampages and destruction across the known lands."

Curious, what did the demon look like?

Okay, about the Angel part in general. Frankly, I'd ditch it. It is expressly tied with Christianity, while the rest of your story is Japanese myth based. I'd think a heavenly spirit or minor god would work just as well and avoid that pitfall.

Taking a minute to observe the morning sky he finally said, "The demon did.  He had come to love her so much, that he didn't want to her die."

Her to, not to her.

[tabyk]

Thanks for the C&C.

The problem with the angel, which you pointed out, is due mostly to ignorance of eastern religion on my part.  I'm hoping to do a rewrite in the next day or two and remove all the western religious influences.

[Anastasia]

If that's the case, I'd recommend you looking around for someone well versed in eastern myths and get them to preread that part of the story.

[Dracos]

Okay, you start with an epilogue?  Are you sure this is one?  It rather doesn't have the feel of it.  Nor is the 'two days after' bit feeling good at all.

Notably your characters aren't desced, which is bad, but this is an idea anyways.

Really, my problem with commenting here is there really isn't enough to go on.  I mean, I could see several places you might be going with this, but commenting on the idea is absurd as I don't know what it is.

Fearless Leader

[tabyk]

*laugh*  Having heard that exact comment from both Dracos and others in the past (not having enough written to actually comment on) I think that's my queue to stop throwing them out here.

~ Tabyk (the random 6K story idea person)

[Dracos]

A suggestion Tabyk.  Outside of your prologue next time, script out some of your thoughts on where you think you might go with this.  Give people a chance to see what you are thinking so they CAN comment.  The more you give, the more people can give back.

Fearless Leader