Noir Fanfic

[winstonjen]

How is it?  Please comment!

My first one. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to host the Word file yet. Hope you all like it. Please send me your comments.  I wrote it after watching the first 18 episodes.  I have taken some inspiration from the video game "Arcanum."

Altena's Ambition

The sky was dim as a purple-haired figure with a dark green cloak walked through the streets of Paris. The morning sun cast her shadow long across the ground. This was to be her final mission. After this one, she could stay with Altena up to her heart's content. Her blood-stained, obedient heart. Yet this mission differed from all those she had embarked upon in the past. The instructions were simple - bring Kirika Yuumura and Mireille Bouquet to the Soldats laboratory. The facility was directly underneath the mansion she stayed at while preparing to meet the so-called 'Noir' for the first time. Yet Chloe felt a faint unease about the assignment. As far as she knew, they had not done anything in the last six months that did not involve killing vast members of their flunkies. So what could the head of the Soldats possibly want them for? A truce? Recruitment? Or perhaps something entirely different. Regardless, all that matters is the mission, Chloe though to herself, and knocked on the door to Mireille's apartment.

Mireille and Kirika drew their weapons when they heard the door handle turning. They were relieved and lowered their guns when Chloe poked her head through the doorway. She never waited for anyone to let her in - she was like a cat - dominant and independent in that regard.

"Altena wishes to see you," began Chole. Then, after smiling slightly, continued, "Your work is certainly deserving of a reward. Altena said to tell Kirika that she will receive her answers, if you will but come with me. So what say you?"

"I will go," replied Kirika, emotionless as always. However, her eyes briefly lit up with hope - her long ordeal would finally be over.

"If she's going, then I am as well," and turning to Kirika, said, "I have a promise to fulfil, to myself and to you - 'until I kill you, no one will.' I can hardly let anyone else have the pleasure of doing so."

"It's settled, then," replied Chloe, as she led the two assassins to Altena's vineyard.

When they reached the mansion, the sun was already setting. The end of a day, and the end of another mission approached. Chloe entered one of her knives into a slot on the wooden door, and the door swung open. As soon as they entered, Altena bid them welcome and led them along the corridors of the mansion.

"You two must be tired," said Altena, "shall we have something to eat together before we discuss matters?"

Mireille replied, "Why not. After dragging us out all the way here, we could use a break. Our time doesn't come cheap, but food would be a start."
After they sat down in the dining hall, a nameless servant brought out several plates of grapes. As though to reassure their guests that the food was not poisoned, Chloe and Altena began to eat.

"Don't you have anything else here?" asked Kirika.

"We have a vineyard. We do not need anything else," replied Altena, with a soft smile.
Kirika began to eat some of the fruit.

"These are seedless grapes."

"Yes," replied Chloe, "They are an improvement on the original life form. No need to worry about planting, and delicious as well."

When they had finished their meal, they were led down some stairs into a room in the bowels of the mansion. Inside, there were all manners of computers, screens and other scientific equipment. Altena sat behind a lectern, and spoke to Mireille and Kirika.

"I thank you for your efforts and success with regard to killing the men that we sent against you."

Mireille blinked in disbelief. Her jaw dropped in shock. "We killed your assassins. Why would you thank us for that?" retorted Mireille.

"What is the ultimate goal of an assassin?" asked Altena, answering Mireille's question with one of her own.

"To use assignments as a springboard to facilitate vengeance, hence leading to more assignments," replied Mireille.

"No. An assassin's job is to put themselves out of business. To attract clients and assignments exceptionally frequently. So much so, that regular customers become fearful of attracting your wrath purchased by their enemies. The necessity of anonymity in the industry adds to this fear. But don't worry. To thank you for your efforts, I shall end the need for your services now, and forever."

Mireille and Kirika were shocked at this threat, and drew their guns in fear and anger. Chloe threw two knives that simultaneously cut their weapons in two.

"Come now, you two," continued Altena, ever so calm despite the situation. "Let me tell you about my involvement in Soldats. Perhaps then, you shall understand. You know that my organisation existed at the formation of the Cosa Nostra. I lived long before that, in what I refer to as the first stage of my life. I led Inquisitions and Witch Hunts. I was powerful, the only woman to hold a position of such authority during that time in history. But when it comes down to it, what can we humans accomplish? What can we learn? Nothing. This mansion was created by the peasants of that time, afraid of my power, with the help of aristocrats. They constructed this mansion as a 'prison' for me, along with the vineyards nearby. Yet it is them that I must thank for what I have been able to do."

"Thank them?!" asked Mireille. "You would thank them for imprisoning you here?"

"Yes," replied Altena, "I do not desire for riches, revenge or power any longer. Those are the trappings of the living, and I no longer count myself among their number. In this 'prison,' there are no limits. There is no time, there is no death. There is no end. I can continue studies I pursued in the past without being held back or paralysed by the human fear of death. I was no longer compelled by a constant need to finish quickly. My search was fuelled by my desire for new ways to kill, a continuation of my work as an executioner. I journeyed into the lands of the dead. I discovered that the souls who dwelt there were in pain. The cause of this pain was, and is, this atrocity called 'life.' I discovered how to bring back the souls of the newly and long dead. The pain intensified upon their return. And for this, I was punished."
"I can understand how you feel," replied Mireille. "But can't you see how they would be frightened by your discoveries?"
"The bodies that I experimented upon were already dead. If I brought those souls back only to quench them again, then who is to say I did not have that right? You? Your livelihood depends on death and killing. I killed those people under the orders of the government. How can they justify avoiding the blame?"
"My Grand Retour was created to return everything to nothing," continued Altena. "To the way it was in the beginning. There will be order again. There will be no more pain...there will be, no more chaos."
"But...just because you feel that way doesn't mean that you can force that choice on all of – " began Mireille.
"It's not a choice – it's the obligation of all souls. They were never meant for this existence. That is why they are all in pain. Life feeds upon life. It does so to return the state of existence back to the natural order. However, that is a wasted effort. I can rectify this matter on a massive scale. That has been the object of my work for the past five centuries. The equipment here serves that purpose. The people you killed fuelled the knowledge of these machines, and they can eliminate all life with the data you gave. Nuclear weapons disintegrate the bodies. It's inefficient for the system I developed. Also, instantaneous death cannot be avoided through evolution. Can you not feel your soul, traveller? It screams, tattered and spent. I know this, and have experienced its effects myself. And yet you have this unnatural urge to keep going. Why?"
"Because I have things I wish to know. I wish to live a full life, even as I end others."
"Then why bother living if you will die anyway? Death is a natural response to the existence of life. Yet souls continue to create other souls, adding to the total amount of grief, hurt, and regret. Surely this is selfish – a futile attempt at immortality, passing on your own insecurities and desires onto others. The level of sadness outweighs the level of happiness in the world. So too, from a utilitarian perspective, eradication of life is justified – nay – dictated by the current state of affairs."
Usually quiet and reserved, Kirika spoke up. "So...let me make sure I understand your proposal. You will...eliminate all life?"
"Yes," replied Chloe, "We shall end the pain of all souls on this world. And we shall join the souls of the dead when it is done."
"Interesting," replied Kirika. "I can see the merit in that."
Mireille grabbed Kirika by the scruff of her collar and took her aside.
"Are you insane?"
"A better question would be, 'are you sane?'" replied Kirika.
"Do you understand what these mad hatters are proposing?!?! They will kill every living thing on both sides of the mansion, including you!"
"I think I can talk them out of it," whispered Kirika.
"I think you have taken leave of your senses. I will allow you this once chance at a peaceful resolution, although I doubt it has much chance of success."
Kirika smiled slightly and turned to address Chloe and Altena.
"First, let us speak of the nature of life and death."
"Yes," replied Altena," let us speak of it. I have spent the last five centuries developing my viewpoint, but I'm always willing to hear another's thoughts. As I have said, it is my opinion that this life is a distortion of the natural order, and that death will right this wrong."
"Hold that thought, Altena. As you have said, it is your opinion, based on your experiences."
Altena remained silent for some time, deep in thought.
"Yes...I concede you that point. But – I have seen both sides of the matter, whereas your eyes have been clouded by life. I know that all souls suffer, and they seek an end to their pain. However, life clouds their judgement, causing them to desire life. Not just that, but they would force life as an obligation upon the next generation."
"Yes," replied Kirika, "but perhaps it is the nature of those souls that they suffer in life."
"What? You would fault the souls of the dead for the meddling of the living? The cycle of rebirth forces most souls to never be free of pain for any length of time. You make it sound as though they have a choice when they are brought back."
"Perhaps what I am trying to say is that the pain they feel is of their own making. Like you said, your experience is based on your own eyes – ones that are no longer clouded by life. It is the eyes we choose to see the world with that causes our pain."
Altena remained quiet for some time. Kirika's words had got through to her. "I'm willing to say you might be right. But what proof have you?"
"I have spoken with souls who were not in pain, and who were trying to bring happiness to others, such as Nosarov. They wish this for the future generations as well, so that there will be order from life."
Altena looked to the floor, sad and regretful. "So many years of study. So many long years, and I could not discover what you learned in one lifetime."
"So, will you leave the rest of existence alone?" asked Mireille.
"I truly wish I could. However, I cannot leave the living alone. I cannot bear the thought of being called back to the land of the living."
"That doesn't have to be," replied Kirika. "With all of this science, I am sure you can cut your soul off from this plane permanently. I wish to join you – as an agent of death, I feel my work is done."
"Thank you, Kirika, for helping me be at peace. All those years, I've raged against the living. All those years, and the distortion was in my own soul. Mireille, I wish you luck on your road. Ours has ended."
Altena, Chloe and Kirika activated the machine on themselves, and within seconds, fell down dead.
Mireille walked up to their corpses and examined the equipment. "Amazing," she quipped, "you can kill people with the touch of a button." She bent down and picked up Chloe's dagger as a souvenir. "Is this the end of Noir and Soldats? Or will others come and take their place?" she asked herself before leaving.

[ukiechan]

Heya.

First off, sorry for the late reply.  When I first read this, it seemed like you have a more specific target group of readers in mind, so I waited to see if someone with knowledge of Noir can help.  But, since no one's here yet, I'm afraid to inform you that you're stuck with me for the time being.  

Please keep in mind that I'm going through this with no prior knowledge of Noir, and take my comments and suggestions in any way that you see fit.  

-------------------------------------------------------
Altena's Ambition
It'd be a good place to start with a bit o' disclaimer before anything else.  You did specify that you're getting inspiration from Arcanum, but it's only courteous to put down some words about who made the series that you're writing on.  

The sky was dim as a purple-haired figure with a dark green cloak walked through the streets of Paris. The morning sun cast her shadow long across the ground. This was to be her final mission. After this one, she could stay with Altena up to her heart's content. Her blood-stained, obedient heart.

I'd prefer a more catchy opening.  "Dim sky" was a bit generic.  "...blood-stained, obedient heart" was overly-dramatic for me.  What does Chloe see?  How does she see things?  What parts of Paris was she strolling through?  These are all things you can consider fleshing out to liven the beginning.

Regardless, all that matters is the mission, Chloe though to herself, and knocked on the door to Mireille's apartment.

It'd be easier to italicize the thought for distinction.  You can do that here on this forum ^^

Mireille and Kirika drew their weapons when they heard the door handle turning. They were relieved and lowered their guns when Chloe poked her head through the doorway. She never waited for anyone to let her in - she was like a cat - dominant and independent in that regard.

Dunno if you meant it, but last line was through Chloe's view.  Does she have an affinity to cats?

"If she's going, then I am as well," and turning to Kirika, said, "I have a promise to fulfil, to myself and to you - 'until I kill you, no one will.' I can hardly let anyone else have the pleasure of doing so."

Who was speaking in that last sentence?  That internal quote is disrupting the flow of the dialogue.  Even if Mireille has a habit of quoting herself, there are better ways to present it.

"It's settled, then," replied Chloe, as she led the two assassins to Altena's vineyard.

Um.  They roof-hopped, took a private helicopter, rode on Ponytas, teleported, or crawled through the sewers and catacombs underneath Paris to get to the vineyard?  Or was Kirika / Mireille's apartment right outside Altena's mansion all this time?  There's a big scene jump here that you should check up and try to smooth out with a bit of transitions.

When they reached the mansion, the sun was already setting. The end of a day, and the end of another mission approached. Chloe entered one of her knives into a slot on the wooden door, and the door swung open. As soon as they entered, Altena bid them welcome and led them along the corridors of the mansion.

"Entered" repeated, and the first one didn't sound right... can use a less ambiguous verb like "slid" or something there to avoid confusion.

"You two must be tired," said Altena, "shall we have something to eat together before we discuss matters?"

Which two?  Mireille, Kirika, and Chloe made a party of three.  There's three possible mathematical combinations here.  It's assumed that Altena is addressing Kirika and Mireille, but where was Altena when the group first came in?  Was she the equivalent of the doorman / tour guide for the mansion?  Was she ignoring Chloe for a purpose or out of habit?  

Mireille replied, "Why not. After dragging us out all the way here, we could use a break. Our time doesn't come cheap, but food would be a start."

Food would be a start for starting to come cheap? ^^;

When they had finished their meal, they were led down some stairs into a room in the bowels of the mansion. Inside, there were all manners of computers, screens and other scientific equipment. Altena sat behind a lectern, and spoke to Mireille and Kirika.

"Scientific equipment" sounds too vague... even if you can't name them, it'd be beneficial to describe in some detail.  Are they cell phones, TI-89 calculators, dentist drills, test tubes from sperm banks that Chloe and Altena robbed... what?  Without being more specific, your readers will not be able to go into a scene unless they've already seen it in the anime / manga in the first place.  I do realize that you're simply trying to do a different ending, as you've stated, but I'd urge you to try to take into consideration the setting, character development and other stylistic elements for the sake of writing a more well-rounded story.

"No. An assassin's job is to put themselves out of business. To attract clients and assignments exceptionally frequently. So much so, that regular customers become fearful of attracting your wrath purchased by their enemies. The necessity of anonymity in the industry adds to this fear. But don't worry. To thank you for your efforts, I shall end the need for your services now, and forever."

What had Kirika and Mireille been doing all this time?  Just standing there like marbled statues and simply talking to Altena?  If they'd never been here before, wouldn't they at least wonder about the set-up of the enemy's lair and paid some attention to various details?  After all, they were assassins as well.

Mireille and Kirika were shocked at this threat, and drew their guns in fear and anger. Chloe threw two knives that simultaneously cut their weapons in two.

And where had Chloe been all this time too?  Biting her nails on the sideline?

They constructed this mansion as a 'prison' for me, along with the vineyards nearby. Yet it is them that I must thank for what I have been able to do."

They're imprisoning the vineyards along with Altena?  Consider phrase placement.  Also, it should be "Yet it is they whom...", I think, if Altena is so formal-sounding.

Usually quiet and reserved, Kirika spoke up. "So...let me make sure I understand your proposal. You will...eliminate all life?"

There's a whole lot of interesting dialogue scene beforehand, but... I have no clue as to why they'd just all choose to stand around and talk.  Didn't Mireille always want to kill Chloe?  What's she standing around there fore and talking to Altena?

"Interesting," replied Kirika. "I can see the merit in that."

Unfortunately, I can't.  Partially because I've never watched Noir before, and partially because there's no indication from any character description early on to tell me what to base Kirika's character / mood on.  

Altena looked to the floor, sad and regretful. "So many years of study. So many long years, and I could not discover what you learned in one lifetime."

This would have worked much better, if there's a face and some character to back up the dialogue throughout the fic.  

Altena, Chloe and Kirika activated the machine on themselves, and within seconds, fell down dead.

Were those machines shaped in the form of giant dildos?  :P  Again, I think it'd do more good than harm to specify.

Mireille walked up to their corpses and examined the equipment. "Amazing," she quipped, "you can kill people with the touch of a button." She bent down and picked up Chloe's dagger as a souvenir. "Is this the end of Noir and Soldats? Or will others come and take their place?" she asked herself before leaving.

Somehow, I'm not getting much out of the concluding lines.  :/

Overall, I think what this is suffering is the "voice in void" syndrome - you have dialogues, and you have flat descriptions of actions.  Everything else is mostly looked over.  Even if your target readership is for those who've watched Noir, I still think that the characters in the series have more to their personalities that you can use and exploit to develop the story.  If I sounded too harsh, I apologize.  I know this is a first story, and you have shown care about grammar and syntax throughout, and rationalized your way through the dialogues better than a lot of the other "first stories" I've read.  However, please keep in mind that a good story, even fanfiction, has theme / plot / characterization / setting elements woven throughout, and you seem like you care about this story enough to want to improve on its presentation.

In any case, I've rambled long enough.  


Thanks for the read, and good luck ^^

- ukie