Organic Exam 101

[ukiechan]

Organic Exam 101

From the mirror's view, the organic molecule
C4H19B25N under the spotlight
is exposed as the dog it disguised:
Four sticky feet and a tucked-tail swishing
off in a bristled vee.  There are no known O–
substitutions for I's or eyes alike.  

Discard your formulaic lust for a yawn
and a lawn that for three weeks now needs
serious de-weeding, and just for once, stick
this jerky iodine down the right, and bend those bony
carbon-backs into a straight, unnatural line.
Observe, gentlemen: you now have a moleculus,
attached to it a property so heroically chiral that it'd thrive
in medieval times - under father's approval too.

Only when the light leaves, though, will I eyeball
your pet moleculus on this end of the cheval, and
scratch from the page some fancied moleculae
and moleculettes away.  Remind me to fit
a dress and pick a shade of mascara that will not
sour under an August sun before bed.  

After all, there is no difference here:
Researchers striving to herd their
crystals into uniform, and father
asking a brazen bust
cast in his likeness, for all the world to see.

He will have to re-learn organic chemistry.



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- ukie (hoping for a bit o' crits)

[Dracos]

Yay.  Some posting in my corner ^_^.

Well, lemme see what I can see.

and ouch.  This isn't something I could absorb with distractions.  It's not using cant intentionally, obviously, but I got to go through it undistracted to really critique it.

Dracos

[Dracos]

Well written, even if the source material is pretty dull.  It reads more fluidly, oddly enough, then your other one did.  The end feels poorly hinted at through it, though I can see the connection throughout vaguely.

Overall, nice job.

Dracos

[ukiechan]

Heya, Drac ^^

Thanks for the read and feedback!

Yeah, I've paid more mind to sonics in this one than the other.  I prefer free verse over metrics and rhyme and cant, because it sounds more natural to my ears.  

I actually wrote this for my little sister - she was complaining that she had to go take care of lawns and other things that I used to take care of when I was away training in the Army, when at the time she was studying Orgo and had no free time.  I tried to play on the added set of responsibilities that she felt should have been shouldered by her big brother and her feeling about dad's favoritism through the moleculus and moleculettes, where the imaginary male molecule differs from the females only because of a spare Iodine substituting for a dick stuck between the legs of the dog-like molecule.  It may have worked better for a picture if the molecule I picked is a real one, instead of a sonic hint (See: for age 19, be 25 and under the spotlight...), but I'm not sure how the feeling that the narrator's examining her own self through the molecular model in the mirror and defining chirality as a purely gender issue can be made more patent.  

Hmm... at this point, it's probably not coming out the way I had hoped, but then again, I haven't picked up writing poetry for a while now :P.  

Again, thanks for the read and the comments.  Appreciate them much.  :)