War Games 1-3 [semi-repost][Inuyasha/Ranma/Noir/TNN]

[Catwho]

Some of you may have kept up with this.

For this who didn't, here's links to chapters 1-3.

http://www.catwho.net/fanfiction/wargames01.htm
http://www.catwho.net/fanfiction/wargames02.htm
http://www.catwho.net/fanfiction/wargames03.htm

I'd put 'em here, except they're fairly big and I don't want to spam the place.  I'll post chapter four in its entirety.

{Anyone who read Wargames chapter one on Refuge, be aware that it has since been heavily revised, thanks to a good shredding from Corwin :) }

[Dracos]

Hmmm...  *cracks neck*  Been a while, but this catches my eye.  Assuage my curiousity if you will ^_^

In fact, the demons of Tokyo have become so numerous that the technically qualify as a minority. No government survey, especially in Japan, bothers to ask people their species in a census.

A lot of them, for inexplicable reasons, have jobs in the Games Division of Sony.

(This explains a lot about the Playstation, when you think about it.)

My suggestion: Don't speak to the audience here.  It's implied well enough.  The additionally speaking makes it annoying.

But why are they working so hard in the Human World, when they have their own dimension with no pesky humans to bother them? Why go through all the trouble to disguise oneself so thoroughly only to live a lie?

Perhaps it is because they are studying the humans. More likely they are living a life in the Human World because this world is somehow more real, more tangible, more concrete. Yet is it better to live a lie in the real world than to live the truth in a fantasy world? The demons would say yes, because *living* requires a real world to actually be possible. Besides, they'd continue, the human world is a hell of a lot more interesting.

They don't have Playstations in the demon world. They don't have office jobs. They don't have CEOs of major corporations. There is power in the Human World, a type of power not found in the Demon World. It is the power, the absolute power, of control.

Now the easy question: Why aren't they?  Why isn't this kind of stuff there?  What makes the human world different than the demon world that prevents 'control' from being around?  What makes the demon world such a nebulous place?

Akane, Ranma's wife of nine years, exhaled slowly and stretched her arms a bit. The younger students groaned and massaged their sore limbs. They had tried to learn the Amuraguri-ken earlier, leaving them with burnt knuckles and bruised pride, but soon they'd be picking up speed as they practiced. The students, one boy and one girl, had looked surprised at Ranma's suggestion that they seek a part-time job as servers in a restaurant.

This is an unnecessary reference to the original series here.  I know, some think that kind of stuff is good to do, here though I suggest not to bother.  It's filler and doesn't really add anything.  Why would there really still be restaurants about that give anywhere near as abusive speed training as Ranma got?

At least that's what the Tendous told themselves. The insurance company for the house said otherwise. The brutal truth was that their dojo was old, and dangerous. More than once since they had started teaching classes again had students broken through the flooring, or cut themselves while punching a hole in the wall. Even though they didn't have a mortgage or rent on their home, their insurance premium was extremely high, especially for Japan. They didn't have a lot of income, and what income they did have went almost entirely to the insurance and layers and layers of fines for teaching in such a dilapidated building.

This seems sort of unnecessarily rough and more than a little silly.  A proper repair of a building, while expensive, generally takes care of this stuff.  Moreso, there's no way consistantly dealing out fines/bribes and high insurance rates beats just properly repairing the building.

And that was with classes limited to an enrollment of five. The insurance agent, one of those very uptight salary men who wore the perfect gray suit with the perfect gray hat and carried a perfect slim black leather suitcase, had hummed and hawed as he inspected the dojo, and glanced over the notes he had made beforehand. He had then presented them an ultimatum: Either fix the dojo, or have no more than six people in it at one time.

The logic here seems really...silly.  If there is some reason you need only 'five' students around...why not just have five students?  Without the detail drawing our attention to this, we wouldn't notice.   Given it's been a while since I've seen footage of the dojo, but it would either be: "Dangerous for all" or "Fire-hazard above this amount".  Not "well, if 10 people stand in here the floor might collapse."

I will somehow find the money to repair the dojo, he vowed as he stood up. I will be able to teach more students the Art. I will . . . somehow.

This is the reasoning to put that in, sure.  But why so much work when merely having any ol' natural disaster handle it would work?  Why couldn't they just hold classes in the yard or in a park?  Basically, the amount of work spent building the premise makes the premise itself feel a bit shakey.

Nodoka and Genma had moved in with Ranma and Akane shortly after Nabiki had moved out, seven years ago. The arrangement had worked out well, since it finally left Kasumi free to move out too. Tofu Ono finally managed to ask for Kasumi's hand in marriage then, and with Nodoka to cook for her busy son and daughter-in-law, Kasumi hadn't felt guilty for leaving them at all.

Okay, while I don't have a suggestion here, any time the last seven years are handled in a single paragraph causes me to go "GEH!".  Usually followed by stopping reading there.  Do we, the readers, need to know this information all right here?  Do we need to know about Kasumi?  Does it have relevence on the nearby plots?  If this stuff can be spread out, spread it out.  Don't put a heavy chunk like this at the start of the scene.  It'd be much more powerful to come right from Nodoka's grandmotherly perspective.

"Lessee . . . chef wanted, no . . . driver . . . no car, hmmm." Ranma scanned them, wishing for once an ad would say something like "Martial Artists wanted." No advertisement ever said that. Martial artists, like kabuki theatre players and geisha and the old buildings like their dojo, also had a certain note of respect with everyone in Japan, but no one ever really *wanted* them for anything. They just wanted them to stay as they were, a comforting reminder of an ancient culture that had only decided to take a little break from tradition in the interest of becoming a world power.

This might be a convention made for the story, but it doesn't ring that truly.  At the very least, movie studios ALWAYS are in need of highly fit and physically trained stuntsmen.

"How much did Akane actually make so I know not to eat it?" Ranma asked automatically, earning him at flowerpot at the head from Akane. He ducked and it bounced harmlessly against the wall behind him, the paper flowers inside it landing with a sad whump on the ground. They kept mostly plastic dishes and things around the house, since everyone knew Akane's temper and *anything* might be thrown at some point.

My thought here is keeping the comedic tendancies of the Ranma cast in a more serious worldset without toning them down just really doesn't fly well.  That and well, I personally just can't find myself caring to read yet another 'someone teaching Akane to cook' scene, so take it with a grain of salt.

"It's over," the four year old said quietly, and then stumbled over to the dinner table, where his mother and grandmother fussed over him and tucked a bib around his neck.

I sort of stare at the 'four year old speaking and being able to predict go' compared to 'Oooh, go!  Cool!"

There had been a ruckus the next day in Nerima, of course, although he and Akane had been safely on a honeymoon to Okinawa by then. Over time, however, the mindless devotion of the Fiancés and the Nerima Wrecking Crew had weathered down into occasional good-natured bantering. Some of them had even married other people. For reasons Ranma never quite understood, Kodachi had married Prince Herb of the Musk Kingdom, and she lived in China, so she wasn't a problem anymore . . . but in the case of the others, Ranma knew that the only reason they'd settled for who they were with was that it was better to live with the person who loved you best than to live without the one you yourself loved.

Another large chunk of stuff.  Some of it good (the reflection on himself and his own stuff, sure), some of it not so good.  The whole Kodachi aside seems odd.  Does it have a point?

"Just barely," Ranma answered with a sigh. "One of the mirrors cracked two weeks ago, you remember that? The insurance company is paying thirty thousand yen to have it replaced, but the installation and everything ran us twice that. As long as nothing else happens, we should be all right."

That seems odd.  Sure, I don't have a ton of experience getting claims from the insurance agency, but generally it tends to error on the side of too much rather than way too little.  After all, they can always get it back in raised rates.

Akane let herself relax again. If it was a position for a martial artist, Ranma had a fighting chance. She'd been afraid he wanted to apply for a desk job, one that he wasn't qualified for, one that would only get his hopes up only to have them dashed against the ground again. But she should have known that Ranma wouldn't do something he didn't think he could succeed at.

I'd keep it with Ranma's perspective.  This doesn't add anything really, IMO that can't be added in less lines and with greater feeling through just physical descriptions.

"Tomorrow," Ranma said, a note of determination in his voice. "If I do get the job, you're gonna have to take over all the classes except the advanced one."

...The dojo can only have 6 people at a time.  How much throughfare do they really see?  Eh.  Whatever, this is setup.  The main deal is that the setup done in this fic is largely uninteresting.  There's a good deal of extra weight just chucked onto it and stuff that could be done more smoothly.

Genius Shogi kid

Uh.  Right.  Mkay.  I sincerely hope this has some long term planning in it ^_^;.  One that doesn't involve genius 4 year old strategist.

Luck didn't keep people in dire financial straights afloat. In their world, luck was something that happened only when you made it.

Talking to the reader.  Kill it.

"Time is nothing something we have a lot of."

'not something'

Anyhow, the sesshoumaru stuff is kind of interesting.  I'll cut off here as I got other things I need do.  Hopefully I'll get back and check out chapter 2 sometime.

Dracos

[Catwho]

As always, brutally honest, although not as scathing as the original C&C that Corwin posted.  :wink:

Since this was written two years ago, I doubt that I'll go back an edit in any of the suggestions anytime soon, but the editing bug may hit me one of these days, so I'll comment on a few of these.

Remember, this fic is nothing more pretentious than me envisioning Sesshoumaru in a business suit one lazy afternoon, and building a fic around it, so of course it's going to be rather bad.

My suggestion: Don't speak to the audience here. It's implied well enough. The additionally speaking makes it annoying.

Duly noted.  It's a bad Pratchett habit I picked up.

Now the easy question: Why aren't they? Why isn't this kind of stuff there? What makes the human world different than the demon world that prevents 'control' from being around? What makes the demon world such a nebulous place?

A lot of the story is centered on me figuring out exactly WHAT Demon World I'm dealing with.  It's based roughly on the Demon World from Tenshi ni Narumon, but even then that world is only shown in one episode (I think it's either 19 or 20), and even then only in brief glimpses. Later on, a character goes into lecture mode trying to explain it, but I think I failed miserably with that scene, so it will need to be reworked again.

This is an unnecessary reference to the original series here. I know, some think that kind of stuff is good to do, here though I suggest not to bother. It's filler and doesn't really add anything. Why would there really still be restaurants about that give anywhere near as abusive speed training as Ranma got?

Again, noted.  It shall be cut.

This seems sort of unnecessarily rough and more than a little silly. A proper repair of a building, while expensive, generally takes care of this stuff. Moreso, there's no way consistantly dealing out fines/bribes and high insurance rates beats just properly repairing the building.

Assuming you have money or the ability to take out loans . . . which I'm assuming they don't.  Actually, the entire insurance premise really needs to be tossed out.  I'm considering having the entire dojo destroyed instead, and they need some means to get the cash to repair it.  Will that work better?

Okay, while I don't have a suggestion here, any time the last seven years are handled in a single paragraph causes me to go "GEH!". Usually followed by stopping reading there. Do we, the readers, need to know this information all right here? Do we need to know about Kasumi? Does it have relevence on the nearby plots? If this stuff can be spread out, spread it out. Don't put a heavy chunk like this at the start of the scene. It'd be much more powerful to come right from Nodoka's grandmotherly perspective

It was originally worse.  I shall try to fix it.

This might be a convention made for the story, but it doesn't ring that truly. At the very least, movie studios ALWAYS are in need of highly fit and physically trained stuntsmen.

Maybe in your newspapers . . . for research I looked a bit at badly translated want-ads in online Japanese newspapers, and while there were advertisements for various places to STUDY martial arts, there weren't any advertisements for people to work as martial artists.  Not much to draw a conclusion on, but I decided it was enough to safely assume martial-artist want-ads weren't everyday occurances.

My thought here is keeping the comedic tendancies of the Ranma cast in a more serious worldset without toning them down just really doesn't fly well. That and well, I personally just can't find myself caring to read yet another 'someone teaching Akane to cook' scene, so take it with a grain of salt.

In that case I'll chalk your objection up to you just being jaded and cynical.  I like this scene, and so did most of the Inuyasha fans who aren't sick of the teach-Akane-to-cook cliché.

I sort of stare at the 'four year old speaking and being able to predict go' compared to 'Oooh, go! Cool!"

o_O Four-year-olds are quite capable of speaking.  (I did *serious* research on the behavior of four-year-olds for this fic.)

Another large chunk of stuff. Some of it good (the reflection on himself and his own stuff, sure), some of it not so good. The whole Kodachi aside seems odd. Does it have a point?

It's a reference to The Spice of Life, and an indication that this fic takes place in the same conglomerate Catwho-verse as that fic did.

That seems odd. Sure, I don't have a ton of experience getting claims from the insurance agency, but generally it tends to error on the side of too much rather than way too little. After all, they can always get it back in raised rates.

Right.  Back to the insurance thing, which is why I may just eventually destroy the dojo instead.

Chapter one is mostly just setup . . .then again, the entire fic is setup, since it's just a rambling exploration for me rather than a serious project.  (And yet, the Inuyasha fans lapped it up. Go fig.)  I'm still not even sure when the climax is going to be, even though it's planned out to thirteen chapters.

Anyway, thanks again for reading, and for your always-excellent suggestions.

[Dracos]

Remember, this fic is nothing more pretentious than me envisioning Sesshoumaru in a business suit one lazy afternoon, and building a fic around it, so of course it's going to be rather bad.

Heh.  This I didn't know ^_^

A lot of the story is centered on me figuring out exactly WHAT Demon World I'm dealing with. It's based roughly on the Demon World from Tenshi ni Narumon, but even then that world is only shown in one episode (I think it's either 19 or 20), and even then only in brief glimpses. Later on, a character goes into lecture mode trying to explain it, but I think I failed miserably with that scene, so it will need to be reworked again.

When you lack enough definition from your source, it's generally best for you to think out how you want it and what is needed for the fic and just write that down in your notes and then describe something that bears those traits.

Assuming you have money or the ability to take out loans . . . which I'm assuming they don't. Actually, the entire insurance premise really needs to be tossed out. I'm considering having the entire dojo destroyed instead, and they need some means to get the cash to repair it. Will that work better?

Never go for a complex solution when a simple one will work just as well.  Destroying the dojo is a fine way of handling it.  There's dozens of easy and believable explanations for it happening (Some possibly even comedic), and it doesn't leave any long term garbage behind to handle.

Maybe in your newspapers . . . for research I looked a bit at badly translated want-ads in online Japanese newspapers, and while there were advertisements for various places to STUDY martial arts, there weren't any advertisements for people to work as martial artists. Not much to draw a conclusion on, but I decided it was enough to safely assume martial-artist want-ads weren't everyday occurances.

Research beats guesswork then I guess ^_^.

o_O Four-year-olds are quite capable of speaking. (I did *serious* research on the behavior of four-year-olds for this fic.)

Sorry, miscommunicated.  What I mean is a four year old go genius is really something a bit hard to swallow.  Especially with him being better than everyone else in the house already.  I don't care how much natural talent a kid has, he has to learn stuff from somebody or something.  Seeing a few hundred games where every few moments the board is entirely rearranged by cheating doesn't give any real opportunity to get a grasp on the real rules and gameplay.  Ranma, as you indicate later, surely couldn't have taught him or been playing with him much.  If he did, he wouldn't be surprised at the kid's talent (He would have taught him the basics properly and had provided a few games here and there to help turn the talent into skill and thus have witnessed it).  Did Akane perhaps?

Basically, as I see it, like chess, if he's not either playing, seeing 'good' go games, or reading books about it, despite his natural talent he's not likely to have much more than an affinity for playing.  And that's assuming he's been properly taught how to play instead of picking up stuff from watching Genma and Soun (He's a 4 year old, why would he know that they are playing it wrong?).

^_^

Dracos