Soulriders Writing Challenge -4-6-04

[Dracos]

Well, that last writing challenge went slowly, but blasted off at the last minute.  Thanks to all the participants, this naturally can't work without you.  Now, it's a new month and given the nature of the month, I think it's appropriate to move a few other topics aside and go for:

"Make me laugh!"

The challenge is to write a genuinely funny short scene.  I know we have a lot of skilled comedians among the writers here so I hope this'll get some interesting competition.  Good luck everyone and have fun. ^_^

As before, this'll be running for a month.  So up until 5-7-04 by my clock.  Plenty of time so feel free to ponder and plan. ^_^

Dracos

[Merc]

Considering I'm having finals that week and the one before, and I'd imagine others are having finals around that time (except for those stupid canadians. Curse them!) it's more like we have two weeks instead of a month. ^_^

Admittedly, even with more time I don't know if I'll come up with something funny between now and then. >_>

[Kwokinator]

Bwahaha.  I laugh at you, YankeeMerc-ury ^_^

I have until April 21st off, then three exams in four days, and I'm home free ^_^

[Justin Carr]

Might as well post now. Put more work into this one then the last challenge. Hope you like it.

----------------

Rade sat at his desk and reviewed the material that he had gathered. For an U.S. facility, security was surprisingly light. It had been easy for him to get fake credentials as a mechanic and sneak a micro-camera into the base. Sure, it had been a little over a hundred years since the last terrorist attack, but he felt that was no reason to get lax on security.

The UN had sent him here because there were rumors that America was experimenting with nuclear and biological weapons. The States were probably still hurting from the worldwide backlash that they had received over the Third Iraqi War.

Due to the sensitive global tensions, his supervisors had wanted to saddle him with a partner. However, Rade felt that he worked better alone and had fudged the intelligence a little to make the target seem less important. He had told them that he would get into contact when he was ready to return.

As he got up and started to put away the intelligence that he had gathered in a secret hiding spot under a loose floorboard, he heard a knock at the door. He wasn't expecting anyone and was instantly wary. He checked the pistol hidden in the waistband of his pants and cautiously walked to the door.

He opened the door to reveal a breathtakingly beautiful woman. She wore a tight crimson dress that showed a surprising amount of cleavage, and a slit in skirt that revealed the large expanse of her long legs. She also had red high-heels on that added a few inches to her height. Her shoulder-length, blonde hair was in a style at least a century out of date. A large red hat was tilted slightly to obscure one eye. She was holding a small scarlet handbag.

"Is this the residence of Rade?" she asked in a sultry voice.

"Yes, that is my name," Rade hesitantly replied. He did not know this woman and was on guard since she knew who he was. "Who are you?

"My name is-" At that moment the epic struggle between her high-heels and gravity came to a dramatic close with the high-heels losing. The woman toppled forward towards Rade and he easily caught her.

"Damn shoes. Always wondered how women from this country could wear them. I'll have to practice this more." The woman leaned against him to support herself as she took the shoes off. Her voice no longer had the sultry quality and was in fact a little high pitched. "I broke a heel. Do you know how much these cost me?" She looked up at Rade as if he actually might know the answer.

"Um... who are you?" Rade was greatly surprised by the woman who had shown up at his doorstep. He hated surprises on missions.

"I'm Sylvia. I was sent to support you." Sylvia pushed up the tilted hat so that she could get a better look at the apartment. "I'm your second."

"My second? What happened to Volten?" Rade had worked with Volten for many years and he was one of the few people that Rade almost trusted.

"He got reassigned. Apparently he got caught dipping in the secretarial pool." Sylvia paused and tapped a fingernail against her chin. Rade was not surprised to note that it was painted red. "I didn't know that the secretaries had a private pool or that it was such a big deal if someone else swam in it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Rade was getting even more confused the more this woman spoke. Being confused was another thing that he hated while on a mission. "What are you doing here? First, I told command that I didn't need backup and that I would contact them for a second when I was ready to be extracted. Furthermore, what's with the getup?"

"I know. Command told me that. However, I decided that you might need some help. Moreover, what's wrong with the outfit? I'll have you know that this is authentic American sidekick wear. I've researched American culture a long time and this is what they wear."

"You researched this... this... outfit?" Rade gestured at her clothing. "You stick out like a sore thumb."

"Sore thumb? Oh! American slang! That means that I'm... conspicuous? That's not true! Women wore these types of outfits all the time in James Bond and Humphrey Bogart films and never got noticed."

"What are you supposed to be anyway?" Rade felt a serious migraine coming on.

"Your wife. I even have a passport." She fished around in her tiny handbag for a longer time than should have been necessary for a handbag that size before producing the document. "See? Here are my orders too."

Rade snatched the papers from Sylvia's hand and started leafing through them, hoping that this was really a practical joke made by his supervisors. It wasn't. Apparently, since he had given every indication that this would be an easy job, they had added another person fresh out of the Academy for a bit of on-the-job training. This was why he hated bureaucracy.

As Rade scanned the document, Sylvia took her hat and flung it toward the coat rack. It missed. By a lot. She looked in her handbag again and pulled out a large, thick pair of glasses. She surveyed the room with interest.

"Standard living quarters 23b. Good choice," said Sylvia. "Spartan, yet with a lived in feeling. A few personal touches, but nothing that reveals anything about the person staying there. I'd expect nothing less from the infamous Rade the Raider."

The use of that name stopped Rade cold. Dear God, not another one. Please tell me that they didn't send another one.

Sylvia didn't seem to notice Rade's reaction and continued her inspection of the apartment. "I read all about you in the Academy. The Torrith Campaign. The Jangor Incident. The Poxik Crisis. You are a bit of a legend among the cadets. In fact, I'm not afraid to admit, I had a bit of a crush on you. Is it true that you killed a man with a piece of chewing gum?"

Rade cringed when she mentioned the chewing gum incident. That had happened when he had been a fresh recruit on his first mission. It was in an underground factory that was producing chemical and biological weapons. He had never left his home country before then and he was a bit nervous, so he had brought along some gum. They were midway through the mission when his sergeant noticed that he was chewing on something and told him to spit it out. At that moment, they were spotted and the team entered a fierce firefight as they slowly retreated. A guard had come running towards them, at one point. He stepped on the wad of gum on the scaffolding, his foot sticking to the ground. Unfortunately, the guard still had all of his forward momentum and toppled over the railing, plummeting to his death several stories below. When the team made it back, they had constantly teased him about it and somehow, over the years, the story had grown until it sounded like he had done it deliberately.

Closing his eyes, Rade counted to ten. He refused to lose his temper with this young woman. "Look," Rade said, mentally grinding his teeth with each word. "It appears that you will be staying here for a while. I'll accept that. However, there have to be some ground rules."

"Sure, I can live with that," said Sylvia as she plopped down on the couch and took off her blonde wig. Underneath, her short hair was a deep brown. "Fire upwards."

"That's 'Fire away' and that's rule number one." Rade held up one finger. "Tone down the American slang. You can't pull it off." He added a second finger. "Rule number two: you're getting new clothes. That is not what a wife wears these days and I doubt they ever wore them."

"What? You have got to be kidding! I spent two months salary on this. It's vintage. The saleswoman said that it was perfect."

"Well it isn't. Get rid of it. Rule number three: You are not to leave this house unless I say otherwise. I cannot make this clear enough. I can't have you going out and blowing this entire mission. If you want to feel useful, you can clean the place up. If it looks really good, when I get back from work, I might even let you transcribe the mission notes."

Sylvia looks disheartened. "Is there anything else that I need to know?"

"Yes. The bedroom is mine. You can have the couch." Rade turned and walked into his room.

"Wait," called out Sylvia before he could close the door. She was leaning over the couch with one hand raised to get his attention.

"What is it?" Rade had to clench his fists to keep from raising his voice.

"I have a rule as well. To preserve the professional atmosphere, I will under no circumstance sleep with you." She stopped and tapped her fingernail against her chin again. "Of course, in saying that, I'll probably end up in bed with you by the end of the Third Act. Although only under great protest. Just to make everything clear."

Her only answer was the slamming of the bedroom door and a muffled scream. She shrugged and decided that things may not have gotten off on the best of starts, but, overall, this first meeting was a lot better than her first day at the Academy.

[Jason_Miao]

Unfortunately, as unfunny of a person as I am, I am unable to address Drac's writing challenge.  Therefore, I will take the alternate (and optimal) decision of making myself laugh by attempting to get everyone else to groan in agony.

Thanks to Yuth for technical advice, and Midnight for proofreading

---


   "WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhh....."

   Sailor Moon's voice was drowned out by the latest monster attack.  She, along with the friends she had brought to the concert, took cover behind the metal seats as the deadly sound waves crashed into some hapless innocent audience members farther in the back.  While the concert hall was mostly evacuated by this time, there were some who were seriously injured when the audience panicked and were thus unable to escape.  The Senshi pushed back their grief in order to concentrate on eliminating the monsters; every second that passed meant more lives lost.

     Sadly, there was not much they could do against the attacking monsters whom had seemed to be members of the popular band N'Synch only minutes before.  The Senshi's attacks were repeatedly deflected from the band members, and while the stage itself looked like a war zone, the monsters themselves were unhurt.  It was possible that Saturn's, Uranus's, or Neptune's stronger attacks would be able to hurt the boy-band, but unfortunately, they were still at least fifteen minutes away.  Although they promised to get to the concert hall as soon as possible, fifteen minutes would mean the deaths of many more innocents.  Pluto, as usual, was nowhere to be found.

   "Mercury, why aren't our attacks working?" shouted Jupiter, while trying to fight off her nausea.  She'd been grazed by the "Makes Me Ill" attack from the stage, and while she was not critically wounded, the green complexion on her face made it clear that she would not be rejoining the battle for the next few minutes.

   Mercury shook her head, and she glanced up from her latest readings.  "I don't know.   According to my data, the monsters are not exhibiting any sort of magical repulsion field.  But it's clear that our attacks our genuinely repulsed by these N'Synch monsters."  Despite the shower of blood that splattered over her from the band's Tearing Up Heart attack, Mercury continued without missing a beat.  "They are musically weak, but our inability to strike them allows them to snipe at us without fear of reprisals.  If we are to even slow them down, we must find a way to at least..."

   Mercury would have continued, but Venus's squeak of joy interrupted her.  "Sailor Moon!" she cried.  "I have a plan.  Stand up!"
   "What?"
   "I said stand up.  Hurry!"
   Although dubious, the death shrieks of yet another girl who would never squee at a boy-band concert ever again hardened Sailor Moon's resolve.  She stood, and waited for the next step of Venus's plan.
   What she didn't expect was for Venus to point at her, and shout "Venus Love and Beauty Shock!"  Moon's eyes widened in shock, as the coruscating heart rocketed towards her.

---

   "How did you know  it would happen, Minako?" asked Rei.  "Even Ami couldn't figure out how to hurt the things, let alone kill them.  Was it memories of old battle tactics in a previous life?  Or did you know that your attack would draw from Usagi's power, and manage to hit N'Sync?"
   Minako, quite unused to such praise, blushed as she modestly replied. "Actually, I read it from a motivational poster."
   "WHAT?!"
   "Yeah, you know.  Shoot for the Moon.  If you miss, you'll hit a star."


-fini

[Dracos]

This will run until I get home.

Dracos

[Dracos]

First, lousy turnout ;_;.  Ye make Drac cry instead of laugh!  Oh well.  I have to give this one to Miao.  No offense, Justin, but his was just more amusing.  Neither really captured any natural humor but they were fair attempts.

Dracos

[Olvelsper]

Well, it's obvious what went wrong with this one.

A: The timing for this challenge was awful. Nothing beyond getting your finals  done is on anyone's mind.

B: Humor is *really* hard to write.

*shrug*

[Jason_Miao]

First, lousy turnout ;_;.

If you didn't do it early, and you're still in school, you were probably being innundated with finals.

Ye make Drac cry instead of laugh!

Yay, my goal has been accomplished!

Actually, I was working on another one, with a basis of N-dimensional space transition, and a Earth-centered hegemonic government which is based off of the tourism industry, but have found it awfully difficult to write.  Still working on it, actually...

Justin:  That was actually a very good character introduction.  As a stand-alone humor-oriented piece, it was over the top, with too many little jokes that came too often and nothing really standing out.  If you were writing a longer piece, perhaps one where Sylvia either continually unwittingly foils Rade's mission through her overzealousness to prove herself, or forces Rade to unwillingly don the roles of Bond and Bogart through a variety of circumstances (which, of course, only vindicates her movie-derived opinions), then this would be great opener to what promises to be an interesting fic.