urg
I had to force my way through the last few scenes. Confidence is still shaky, and I'm sure it needs a lot of work. >_<
Sorry about the delay.
Yay! New chapter! I don't have the time to do an in depth critique, so here are some things that come immediately to mind. I thought Haruhi's reaction to Kyon's distraction over, and subsequent needing to rescue Sasaki a bit extreme, given that she knows that Sasaki is important to Kyon, and is trying to be a friend to her as well. In-story character reactions aside, the whole point of the text message signal after all is to alert Kyon that Sasaki may be in danger. ^_^ Haruhi struck me as being fairly angry, as opposed to strongly jealous/irritated. That's my own personal impression, of course. Certainly, the girls would be expected to be unhappy over Kyon bailing out like that, since emotions are not ruled by logic. I'm liking the Haruhi-Kanae dynamic, especially from last chapter. It might be nice to see a bit more of the rest of the evening from the girls' point of view. Too bad Haruka's father put such a damper on the rest of the evening. Kyon never cleared the air with Haruhi, or any of the girls about that evening, did he? Does that mean that Haruhi and Haruka basically accepted that it was necessary?
I hadn't expected the incident with the new Sumiyoshi members, considering the chapter title. =P The detail about the ill-fitting suits, is that supposed to convey that the Sumi-yoshi troops aren't well organized, and that these operations are just being tossed together?
Sasaki is adjusting fairly well, considering. Now that Haruhi has a clear lead to the guy most likely responsible for the new kidnapping attempt, thanks to the business card, I wonder how many likely and unlikely coincidences will prevent that from being followed up on. ^_^
Mori/Kasai, eh? Not too surprising. =) Koizumi figured out the Harem Plan I see. At least he's got his own love interest.
I'm a bit confused as to when certain future events previously mentioned are expected to take place. First would be Kyon's sister's field trip, next would be Kyon's birthday/Watanagashi (sp?), which Kyon was supposed to be planning. Actually, I thought that would have been the upcoming weekend, In-story. Haruhi's planning the flash-mob though, so I guess the trip to Hinamizawa (sp?) is still in the future, time line wise? I can't remember if the IP the costumes are being based on was mentioned outright, but I'm looking forward to the discriptions.
The interview with the "Big Boss" was interesting, though he didn't say anything that Kyon wouldn't have done on his own. Protect Sasaki? Check. Not escalate things? Check. Stand by Haruka (and all his other girls?) ABSO-CHECK-LUTELY!
Nice twist at the very end, there. Did Yuki send Haruhi, or did she do that on her own? It seems that Haruhi was watching, from her last comment.
I recall that some commentor (might have been on Space Battles) felt that too much focus was being put on the interpersonal relationships. For my part, I like observing how the characters are interacting with each other, and their relationships change. I enjoy the action/thriller elements just as much. I couldn't tell you to expand one at the expense of the other, since they seem to be equally important to the story as a whole. Observing how the girls start to deepen their relationship with each other and Kyon is something of a guilty pleasure (imagination can paint such _beautiful pictures... ehem). Me, myself, and I, are currently running a betting pool on which girls are the first ones to kiss each other seriously. (like I said, guilty pleasures...)
Overall, no gamestoppers in this chapter, IMO.
Thanks, read you next time.
One thing I noticed:
Quote"Sir," More called, coming from the crowd, but wearing the same pin as Kyon -- and attended by the huge figure of Kasai. "Is everything...." She trailed off, seeing the scene was evidently already covered. "We came as quickly as we could," she said instead.
I'm guessing that's Mori, not more. Probably autocorrected without you noticing.
It's late, and I don't have much to say;
The chapter seems to end rather abruptly. I'm not sure if there's a scene you're thinking of after this one, but where (and how) it ends seems somehow, unsatisfying. Perhaps:
It's because Haruhi seems really unhappy, almost angry. It's justifiable, but it doesn't seem to sit well. These chapters almost seem like a breather, but this one almost gives off a cliffhanger vibe, be it intentional or not.
Seizon senryaku!
QuoteNo fair of her tring to shoulder this entire burden alone!"
trYing. Also, when I try to read the sentence aloud in my head, it feels awkward, but it's more likely me just not getting it today (you know, those days where you read "one" and feel it's spelled wrong but know it's right?)
Quote"Okay," Kyon said slowly. "So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"
"attack any of" ?
As for the plot and the tone, it really does feel like a connecting chapter. You're starting the threads of Kunikida's "Uncle", Mori+Kasai, continuing Koizumi+Kyouko, and the war with the Sumiyoshi. There were some interesting new and concluded points, though. The harem reveal to Koizumi ended up being amusing. Haruhi's jealousy seems to have flared up a bit here. Is that the original Haruhi popping through a little?
Are you going to have Sasaki getting kidnapped be a recurring event? I don't care either way, I'm just curious.
Also, regarding Kyon being tired, has the extra energy that Haruhi gave Kyon wore off? And why wouldn't Kyon be able to be well-rested at the end of his training session?
I'm liking the inclusion of Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's a "normal" relationship for Haruhi, I dunno.
First of all, I must confess I'm confused about the time frame. According to Filraen's timeline (http://tinyurl.com/kbdh-timeline) the last chapter (kbdh51) ends on Thursday, then kbdh52 depicts two additional school days while apparently implying that the following day is a Saturday. Is this correct?
Quote from: Specular on March 22, 2012, 01:07:51 PMFirst of all, I must confess I'm confused about the time frame. According to Filraen's timeline (http://tinyurl.com/kbdh-timeline) the last chapter (kbdh51) ends on Thursday, then kbdh52 depicts two additional school days while apparently implying that the following day is a Saturday. Is this correct?
...I may have made such an error. It wouldn't be the first time.
Yeah, I think that's the case. Erg. Okay, I'll do some time kompression. <_<;; I'll try and fix this tonight, and give everyone else a proper reply once I get that straightened out.
/me goes searching for a tindaloi hound to ride into the sunset.
Quoteand Tsuruya was happy to run into Kyon, Kanae, Mikuru, and Haruhi, walking as a group up from the train station.
The way this is written, it sounds like Mikuru was with Kyon, Kanae, and Haruhi, but it seems like she came to school with Tsuruya. Am I misunderstanding this? (I'm reading this at 2AM, so that's quite likely)
Freaking loved Yanagimoto being reminded that Haruhi is not subtle at all.
YA: "Well, we have to be careful, we can't rely on everything we hear, but we may be able to figure out who it is if we're careful."
SH: "OI! YOU! WHO WAS THAT GUY?!"
YA: 0_o
Quote"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"
Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.
Overall, quite enjoyed the chapter, had nice surprises in store. Enjoyed Kyon shutting down the kidnapping almost as quick as it began, and well as the curveball of the meeting with the big boss. Glad to see he seems to not be a hot-blooded guy seeking out battle where he can. Also liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car. I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.
Every time one of these comes out, I think I'm going to wait until it's more polished before I read it, and then not six hours after I make that decision I succumb and read it anyway. I didn't have this problem before I started hanging out here. >_<
On first read, not much to say except fanboyism. I'll try to come back tomorrow and give it another read over for C&C.
QuoteAlso liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car. I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.
They're going to Tsuruya's house and when she gets out of the car Haruhi is waiting for her.
Quote from: JonBob on March 23, 2012, 11:05:51 AM
QuoteAlso liked Haruhi being ninja'd into the car. I'd like to see Tsuruya's face there.
They're going to Tsuruya's house and when she gets out of the car Haruhi is waiting for her.
:blink: *facepalm*
Duh. That's what I get for reading at 2 AM. Thanks for clarifying that :P
Hmmm...
Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...
From what she understood, things with his parents were working out reasonable well, and they loved Tsuruya, so wouldn't bat an eyelash at him having dinner with her. He'd just been with the rest of the Brigade, so who else--
She bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized. What the hell was up with that? He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?
She stewed for a moment, mulling things over. What should she do, anyway? Chew him out at the table for ignoring her-- for ignoring Tsuruya, his fiancee? Maybe just ask him more directly?
The servers finished setting the first course at the table and backed away. Just as Haruhi had decided to try and be subtle -- but absolutely intending to give him a piece of her mind -- Kyon's phone rang, though with an unfamiliar tone. Seriously? At a place this nice, he hadn't shut his phone off?
I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really
want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped
again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...
Quote from: Phantom Kirin on March 25, 2012, 03:12:03 AM
I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon?
Huh. My interpretation is almost completely different; so far I get the sense that Haruhi starts out with a deep, instinctual fear and jealousy of Sasaki (based on the inherent conflict between their powers), but comes around to the fact that she needs to tolerate her presence. There's a long distance from that point to Haruhi actually
feeling good about the situation, and an even longer distance to actually wanting her in the harem. The reader mostly gets to enjoy the fanservice; Haruhi actually has to handle the burden of making sure everyone gets along.
On top of that, it seems to me that on finding out about the harem, Sasaki (at least the canon version) would be more likely to decide to back off and suppress her own feelings for Kyon, rather than decide to enter such a (from her point of view) risky arrangement.
Tsuruya has Asahina over for dinner, and they spend the night there. They meet up with Kyon, Haruhi, and Kanae on the way to school. As a point of fact,
QuoteIt was hardly the first time Tsuruya had Mikuru stay over through the night, anyway. When morning came around, she'd dragged the other girl to the bath, since Mikuru was slower to wake. After that and a pleasant breakfast, the pair undertook the familiar walk to school -- and Tsuruya was happy to run into Kyon, Kanae, Mikuru, and Haruhi, walking as a group up from the train station.
Since Tsuruya was with Asahina, I think that can be fixed.
Tsuruya thinks better of hugging Kyon on the spot. They arrange for a double date (Tsuruya and Kyon, Haruhi and Kanae), and Tsuruya thinks on giving Asahina some time with Kyon later on.
Haruhi goes toward class, running into Yanagimoto, and they talk about Kunikida.
Quote"So the question is ... what kind of family trouble?" the gymnast asked with a shrug. "Maybe a job for you guys? Investigate that uncle, see what can turn up? Maybe you can help him out -- if he's in a better move, we can have Sakanaka poised to strike!"
Mood?
They run into Kunikida just after the stairs, and Haruhi decides not to bother with being covert.
Quote"How often do people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right? So -- when was the last time you had dinner with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"
Maybe better without this "do"?
Kunikida forks over the business card, giving Haruhi a solid lead.
We cut to Kyon at lunch.
QuoteEscaping the press of the rumor mill during lunch was a welcome reprieve, in Kyon's mind. The tradition had started first when he was 'grounded' from participating in club activities, but had been revived in the face of the muttering going around the school. He supposed it could have been worse ... though he wasn't sure when it had happened, most of the students didn't bother him or Tsuruya--
Sometimes in this chapter, it's been "rumor-mill" instead.
QuoteBut then, it wasn't like he really wanted to complain about spending his lunch with the Brigade. Yuki would come to the clubroom to read after eating anyway, and Mikuru would probably arrive just to work on the costumes. While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company.
This gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.
Haruhi and Tsuruya tag team to make sure Asahina gets some private time with Kyon, and Koizumi decides it's time to probe Kyon on the topic of the girls.
QuoteThe esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face. "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder. "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well.... It's nonsense to try and be annoyed. So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"
Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.
Koizumi remarks that Haruhi should be a little more subtle, and with that, they head back to lunch.
We cut to double-date time.
QuoteEven though she'd been before, Haruhi had to admit that with Tsuruya's access, going to probably the most expensive and fanciest restaurant in the city was kind of fun. And last time, Tsuruya and Kyon had both been before -- now she got to have a leg up on Kanae!
Repetition.
Kyon is slightly distracted from not having received the text he expected, but it's not quite time to dwell on that.
QuoteShe bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized. What the hell was up with that? He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?
Haruhi seems just a hair quick to conclude it's Sasaki whom Kyon expected to hear from, but only just. For the sake of keeping things moving, I think this is forgivable.
Kyon's phone rings.
QuoteHe didn't wait for a response before dashing toward the large, open wall with a view of the candle-filled pond.
"Good luck!" Tsuruya called, just before he vanished into the darkness.
"But--" Haruhi started to protest before scowling. "Damn it!"
Repetitive construction.
Haruhi is extremely irritated about Kyon having to leave to rescue Sasaki, and really, thinking about the time he's missing with them instead of a girl who's just been kidnapped (again!) does seem like a bit much. I think Haruhi can understand what Kyon's having to do here on her own, even while it sours her mood to such an extent that it worries Tsuruya and Kanae. Something to consider, at any rate.
On the other hand, I'm not one to shy away from characters to who show a little human weakness and irrational thinking for a moment before collecting themselves.
Things pick up, though, and the girls continue with dinner as best they can.
We see Sasaki being kidnapped once more. The detail about how she got to know her protectors is a nice touch.
Kyon arrives on the scene and takes care of business, and Sasaki refuses to believe Kunikida could've had anything to do with this. Sasaki presses Kyon some more, to no end, but they part on good terms overall.
Kyon tries to puzzle out the Sumiyoshi's purpose in going after Sasaki when they ought to have better things to do. He dismisses the idea of going back to dinner and decides to see to it that the men who were attacked are well cared for.
Quote"Take care, Sir," Mori added.
I think I read that "sir" by itself shouldn't be capitalized this way? Minor point.
Quote"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?
Mori and Kasai, together forever.
Kyon tries to reschedule for Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae, but instead, he's going to see the boss tomorrow.
Kyon goes home exhausted and without dinner, falling asleep.
QuoteHe ended up going to sleep exhausted, and woken up to the barely familiar events of his sister barging into his room. "Morning~!" she chirped, rousing him before she could try a more energetic attack. He caught a whiff of the scent of Mikuru's shampoo -- wait! Mikuru?! He'd slept through....
What is the source of the scent if he has to go meet her? She's at his place instead, isn't she. That's what jives with the part about spending time in Kyon's bed later; I see now.
Cut to lunch the next day, and Haruhi, Yanagimoto, and Sakanaka are strategizing. They decide that trying to get Sasaki integrated with their circle may help with Sakanaka's pursuit of Kunikida.
Sunday's event expands to include Kyouko and Sasaki. Haruhi in particular is making a good effort to work Sasaki into thing, even if the cat is still in the bag.
Quote"Well," she thought Haruhi continued, "we've lost her -- Mikuru-chan is something else when she's inspired! Okay -- Kanae-chan, let me help you out on those designs! No fair of her tring to shoulder this entire burden alone!"
Trying.
From here, Kyon and Tsuruya go to the meeting with the boss man.
Quote"For trouble ... Sumiyoshi-kai are acting agressive all over. We've had a longstanding rivalry with them, but usually it doesn't escalate into some almost unheard of underboss single-handedly shutting down their organization in an entire city, and then buying their men out. Follow that up with massive damage outside of our city to their financial holdings....
Aggressive.
QuoteThe kumichou's smile widened. "Be the better man," he odered, pointing a finger at Kyon imperiously. "Don't retaliate. Defend what is ours -- protect the family. Stop them from acting in our city. But to truly shame them ... don't attack them back."
Ordered.
So, to Kyon and Tsuruya's relief, the word is to not retaliate, only to let the Sumiyoshi expend their resources fruitlessly. The best thing from our heroes' perspective.
QuoteThe second they were both in the car, headed for her place, she threw herself at him again. While initially startled, she could tell how much he'd been stressed and uncertain. His return kiss was a bit more ... frantic than usual. It wasn't the safest thing in the world, but then, they'd changed clothes while the car was driving -- he might be stuck in that suit, but a kimono was fairly ajustable, wasn't it?
Adjustable.
QuoteTsuruya waved at the car as it drove out of sight, jumping in alarm when Haruhi's voice broke through her mood, grumbling, "So, you two got to have fun?"
Ominous indeed.
Overall, I really like the personality of the Yamaguchi kumiyoshi and his overall plan for Kyon. Haruhi's efforts to extend a branch to Sasaki are welcome to see. One thing I thought a bit conspicuous was that Asahina's time with Kyon was more-or-less glossed over instead of presented in the same level of detail as Kyon's dinner with Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae. Then again, I personally can't think of what would go there if the scene had been presented in more detail, so the difference may be justified.
No witty lead-in today, apologies.
Quote from: kbdh52Sympathy does not exist alone to be observed and not participated in
Word order is a little awkward (although that might be partly intentional.) I'd suggest "Sympathy does not exist to be observed alone without participating."
Quote from: kbdh52so my theory is ... there's some kind of family trouble. That's why he's so distressed he made trouble, right?
Repetition of 'trouble'. Maybe 'issues' for the first?
Quote from: kbdh52Investigate that uncle, see what can turn up?
Feels like it's missing a word - I'd use "see what you can turn up" or just "see what you turn up".
Quote from: kbdh52but we can check this guy out, maybe on Saturday, right?
Timing issue. This should be Friday, I think, and while she -could- check him out with Yanagimoto the next day it'd need to be in here somewhere. Push it off to next week, perhaps?
Quote from: kbdh52Then again, it wasn't like that other students had any idea
s/that/the/
Quote from: kbdh52Half of the table was taken up by her designs and the cloth she had laid out
Repetition of 'cloth' from the previous paragraph. Might want to use 'fabric' for one of them.
Quote from: kbdh52Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit
Looking at this overall it's not a widespread problem, but it feels like you've used 'time traveler' quite a bit in short succession here - this is the third time this phrase has been used since the beginning of the chapter. Maybe mix this up with other titles/descriptors for Mikuru?
Might just be me being oversensitive to it, too.
Quote from: kbdh52"I just wanted to ask how your project was going," he said, shaking his head gently. "Oh-- Very well," she said happily.
You've got dialogue from two characters in one paragraph here.
Quote from: kbdh52She trailed off and bit her bottom lip
Not necessarily a correction, but I'm used to seeing this described as 'chewing his/her lip'.
Quote from: kbdh52Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.
This is kind of disconnected as it stands; at the very least, there should be a comma after 'though', although this is one of those spots where it might be better to use another word - or rephrase entirely. I'd suggest a sentence about all three dressing up in kimono, with an aside to say that Haruhi and Tsuruya dressed up Kanae themselves, since there's nothing here about what the other two are wearing.
Quote from: kbdh52things with his parents were working out reasonable well
Reasonably.
Quote from: kbdh52For Kanae's sake, if nothing else;
Sentence fragment. The section works as written, but could be fixed up with a wide-scale punctuation shuffle:
Quote from: SuggestionShe couldn't let that make her feel even worse; she needed to pull herself up from this spiral -- for Kanae's sake, if nothing else. She was trying to make Kanae feel comfortable, safe, and happy.
Quote from: kbdh52Taking another breath and forcing herself to calm,
Technically correct as written, but looks a little odd. I'd expect 'calm down' or at least 'sound/look calm'.
Quote from: kbdh52another quartet of thugs bursting from the store-front she was passing
Don't need to hyphenate storefront.
Quote from: kbdh52To say nothing of the fact that Sasaki was certain that Kyouko's apology was genuine.
Sentence fragment. I'd say it could be em-dash spliced to the previous sentence except you already have an em-dash in it. Might replace that first one with a semicolon, though.
Quote from: kbdh52"It's Kowa-Keigo-Kyon!"
Your nickname, and I haven't gone back to check previous incarnations, but I would think this would be 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' (only one hyphen). Might be wrong though, ignore if so.
Quote from: kbdh52Heaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition and killed the engine, then dropped them on the floor.
Order of operations seems off here. Wouldn't he kill the engine, then take the keys out and drop them?
Quote from: kbdh52she wanted to be Kyon's friend not a burden.
Missing a comma after friend.
Quote from: kbdh52Either an associate of me, or....
s/me/mine/
Quote from: kbdh52Well, I will be skipping cram school for today
Possible timing issue here, at least to me. Cram schools can certainly run into the evening, but in this case there's been enough time for the Brigade meeting, Kyon helping Mikuru over to her apartment with the sewing machine, and getting to the restaurant to meet Tsuruya and Haruhi before the abduction takes place. Where was Sasaki during that time? If she's got a club meeting of some sort at her own school, sure, but there's still a fairly large gap between clubs breaking up and when Kyon gets to the restaurant (or it seems like there should be).
Bah. Probably making something out of nothing here. Feel free to ignore my ramblings.
Quote from: kbdh52There was the time running to the scene, which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location, then the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, more time to return her home, and then since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.
Lots and lots of commas, kind of run-on. Suggestion for the breakup:
Quote from: SuggestionThere was the time running to the scene -- which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location. Next was the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, and then more time to return her home. Then, since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.
Quote from: kbdh52Mulling that over, he let himself be led to another car, and get driven home.
No comma needed before 'and', and I'd switch out 'get' for 'be'.
Quote from: kbdh52"Well -- Saturday's ... mostly free for me.
Another reference to Saturday, should be updated with the day shifting. Several of these throughout this scene, as a heads-up.
Quote from: kbdh52Eh? Mikuru-chan what...
Missing a comma after Mikuru-chan here.
Quote from: kbdh52emergency clothes changing session
Clothes-changing session.
Quote from: kbdh52Still; treat it just like any other meetings, be polite, and let my fathers do most of the talking.
Odd punctuation here; perhaps:
Quote from: SuggestionStill, treat it just like any other meetings: be polite and let my fathers do most of the talking.
Quote from: kbdh52everyone on their best behavior with the kumichou of the Yamiguchi-gumi on site
You have this as Yamaguchi-gumi elsewhere, but I honestly am not certain which is correct. Yamaguchi seems to be winning by volume, though.
Quote from: kbdh52though he has that name I just told you
Little awkward here; maybe "though his real name is what I just told you"?
Quote from: kbdh52He's my son-in-law, and also her saiko-komon
He's not Kyon's father-in-law
yet, just engaged to his daughter.
Quote from: kbdh52though looked like a match for almost any man in a fight
Bringing this up here as a generality, since I see this a lot and it almost always pings my radar as unclear. I see you use this construction without a pronoun (e.g. "though
he looked like a match...") quite frequently, and while it's a valid way to phrase it, I rarely see it without it making me catch for a moment and look it over twice to make sure I didn't miss something.
Since it's stylistic, I'm just going to note it here; if you want I can go back and look for other occurrences, but otherwise I'll let this point drop when I see it in the future.
Also, repetition of 'looked' between this and the next sentence. Maybe 'appeared to be' for one of them?
Quote from: kbdh52but then, most of that's been for others
Vestigial comma.
Quote from: kbdh52For trouble ... Sumiyoshi-kai are acting agressive all over
Repetition of 'trouble' from a couple of paragraphs up. Also, 'aggressive'. I'd just drop the 'for trouble' from this line myself.
Quote from: kbdh52it doesn't escalate into some almost unheard of underboss single-handedly shutting down their organization in an entire city, and then buying their men out.
Almost-unheard-of. Also, the comma after city is vestigial.
Quote from: kbdh52because of the damage that Kyon-kun has caused
More a personal quibble than an error; it seems odd that the kumichou would immediately settle into using Kyon-kun. I'd be expecting just 'Kyon' here (-kun feels a little too informal, and using -san on a nickname is just kind of weird.)
Quote from: kbdh52I want the input of the legendary 'Kowai-Keigo' figure on these planned raids.
Kowa-Keigo.
Quote from: kbdh52An hour, maybe as many as three, passed while they discussed,
I'd offset 'maybe as many as three' with em-dashes rather than commas.
Quote from: kbdh52At the end, the Kumichou nodded, sweeping his heavily marked papers
No caps for kumichou, unless you add them everywhere else (which makes less sense, as it's a job title).
Quote from: kbdh52casualties on our side will compliment our superiority
Complement. Unless the reduction in casualties is going to tell their superiority "you're awesome!"
Quote from: kbdh52so go, and be well, both of you!
First comma here is unnecessary.
Quote from: kbdh52a kimono was fairly ajustable, wasn't it
Adjustable.
Quote from: kbdh52Tsuruya waved at the car as it drove out of sight, jumping in alarm when Haruhi's voice broke through her mood, grumbling, "So, you two got to have fun?"
Understand you're shooting for a cliffhanger here, but this seems to go both too far and not far enough. It's setting up that Haruhi's going to have a spat with Tsuruya over this, but by actually starting the conversation, it puts too much into it. Maybe just back it off to Tsuruya turning around, straightening out her kimono, and coming face-to-face with a very sour-looking Haruhi who doesn't say anything?
Breaking up the actual dialogue between chapters seems like a bit much to me, is all.
I'm pretty sure I haven't doubled up on anybody else's corrections.
QuoteBoth both of you should finish and come back...
Doubled up on "both."
Quote"Um ... let's say that it's suddenly come to my attention that Kyon-kun may be the ideal person to turn for advice in the matter of Kyouko,"
*ideal person to turn to
QuoteThough she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.
This sentence seems to be missing something.
Quote"Kyon-kun may be busy reassuring Sasaki-san for a bit, but with any luck, once that's taken care of we can make up for lost time later,"
Did you mean "rescuing" instead of "reassuring" here?
Quote"Wouldn't really make a difference," Kasai countered. "You don't have the kind of time you need to gain appreciable skill."
It seems weird that Kasai would say this. Even if she did have the time to train, she's still a teenage girl targeted by an organized crime syndicate. It would make more sense for him to just point out that a girl her size wouldn't stand a chance even if she had the time to learn to fight.
Quote"I'm fine, but was a bit shaken; coming back home seemed like a good idea."
The phrasing here seems a little odd to me. "I'm fine, but I was a bit shaken;" or "I'm fine, but a bit shaken;" feels more natural.
QuoteRyouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location"
"Closed" should be "close" or "closest."
Quote"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?
Ohoho, what have we here? :)
Quote"I think I know her sizes," Kanae remarked, sitting up. "Nagato-san has taught me a lot about recognizing distances and measurements!"
"Alright, but Kyon can't hear that," Haruhi interjected before she could continue. "A girl's sizes are secret!"
Not to a dirty minded girl with supplemental training from Nagato, they're not. She has surpassed normal human limits to become Kanae: Big Damn Pervert.
Okay -- apologies to everyone for the delay in replying; worked through my depression for the moment, so now I should reply properly. For this entire thread, if I don't reply to a grammatical (or other) correction, it's because I used it. :D
Quote from: GeshronTyler on March 22, 2012, 05:48:55 AMYay! New chapter! I don't have the time to do an in depth critique, so here are some things that come immediately to mind. I thought Haruhi's reaction to Kyon's distraction over, and subsequent needing to rescue Sasaki a bit extreme, given that she knows that Sasaki is important to Kyon, and is trying to be a friend to her as well. In-story character reactions aside, the whole point of the text message signal after all is to alert Kyon that Sasaki may be in danger. ^_^ Haruhi struck me as being fairly angry, as opposed to strongly jealous/irritated. That's my own personal impression, of course. Certainly, the girls would be expected to be unhappy over Kyon bailing out like that, since emotions are not ruled by logic. I'm liking the Haruhi-Kanae dynamic, especially from last chapter. It might be nice to see a bit more of the rest of the evening from the girls' point of view. Too bad Haruka's father put such a damper on the rest of the evening. Kyon never cleared the air with Haruhi, or any of the girls about that evening, did he? Does that mean that Haruhi and Haruka basically accepted that it was necessary?
Haruhi was angry, but at the situation, not any person. And I wanted to give her a moment of being more like her old self, and then using Kanae as a reminder that she's grown. Haruhi and Tsuruya largely accepted it, but part of the theme of this arc (and some of the last) is a lack of time to deal with some things properly, especially with the club focused on gearing up for Sunday's event and taking cover from the rumormill.
Quote from: GeshronTyler on March 22, 2012, 05:48:55 AMI hadn't expected the incident with the new Sumiyoshi members, considering the chapter title. =P The detail about the ill-fitting suits, is that supposed to convey that the Sumi-yoshi troops aren't well organized, and that these operations are just being tossed together?
It could come across that way, but it's also to paint the Sumiyoshi-rengo as less organized than the Tsuruya-gumi. The uniform of the yakuza is a suit in garishly bright colors; the Tsuruya-gumi instead go for the more streamlined and cleaner appearance, and actually dress sharply. This is not realistic, but makes for a nice atmospheric touch.
Quote from: GeshronTyler on March 22, 2012, 05:48:55 AMI'm a bit confused as to when certain future events previously mentioned are expected to take place. First would be Kyon's sister's field trip, next would be Kyon's birthday/Watanagashi (sp?), which Kyon was supposed to be planning. Actually, I thought that would have been the upcoming weekend, In-story. Haruhi's planning the flash-mob though, so I guess the trip to Hinamizawa (sp?) is still in the future, time line wise? I can't remember if the IP the costumes are being based on was mentioned outright, but I'm looking forward to the discriptions.
The field trip wasn't given a firm date. It's 'upcoming' but (admittedly, based on my experience here in the US), usually the forms are handed out at least a month in advance.
Quote from: GeshronTyler on March 22, 2012, 05:48:55 AMI recall that some commentor (might have been on Space Battles) felt that too much focus was being put on the interpersonal relationships. For my part, I like observing how the characters are interacting with each other, and their relationships change. I enjoy the action/thriller elements just as much. I couldn't tell you to expand one at the expense of the other, since they seem to be equally important to the story as a whole. Observing how the girls start to deepen their relationship with each other and Kyon is something of a guilty pleasure (imagination can paint such _beautiful pictures... ehem). Me, myself, and I, are currently running a betting pool on which girls are the first ones to kiss each other seriously. (like I said, guilty pleasures...)
I'm not sure; that comment may have come from forums.spacebattles, but like 99% of the commentary they generated, I didn't find it useful.
The major focus of the story is the interpersonal relationships; without them, the story doesn't work. If someone's reading it just for action, I imagine they must spend a lot of time terribly bored.... Which, admittedly, may be something of a failing on my part given the title--
I was actually asked (back in chapter 14 or so) on ff.net ... it's probably still there in the reviews ... to make it Kyon/Haruhi only and axe the polyamory. It
might have been possible at that point, but from where the story's gone, a lot of the arcs would need to be ... really, very seriously modified.
I've got no interest in that myself, but anyone who's squicked by the story as written is more than welcome to download it and rewrite it as they see fit. The content
is entirely covered by the Creative Commons license, so as long as that's respected.... Well. I retract my first sentence mildly; I've got no interest in
writing that, but I am somewhat curious to read someone's take if they did choose to do so.
Quote from: GeshronTyler on March 22, 2012, 05:48:55 AMOverall, no gamestoppers in this chapter, IMO.
Well, there was the time kompression thing, but I've fixed that on my end, moving the events of this fic from some magical second Thursday and Friday to just Friday and Saturday. >.>;;
Thanks for the feedback! :D
Quote from: Grahf on March 22, 2012, 06:34:35 AMQuote"Sir," More called, coming from the crowd, but wearing the same pin as Kyon -- and attended by the huge figure of Kasai. "Is everything...." She trailed off, seeing the scene was evidently already covered. "We came as quickly as we could," she said instead.
I'm guessing that's Mori, not more. Probably autocorrected without you noticing.
Nope, phoenetic typo. O_O
Quote from: Grahf on March 22, 2012, 06:34:35 AMThe chapter seems to end rather abruptly. I'm not sure if there's a scene you're thinking of after this one, but where (and how) it ends seems somehow, unsatisfying. Perhaps:
It's because Haruhi seems really unhappy, almost angry. It's justifiable, but it doesn't seem to sit well. These chapters almost seem like a breather, but this one almost gives off a cliffhanger vibe, be it intentional or not.
Hal's comment seems similar, so I'll just omit Haruhi's dialog and leave things tense and unclear; that's a fine place to pick up next chapter anyway.
Thanks for the comments. :)
Quote from: JonBob on March 22, 2012, 12:16:03 PMSeizon senryaku!
Quote from: JonBob on March 22, 2012, 12:16:03 PMAs for the plot and the tone, it really does feel like a connecting chapter. You're starting the threads of Kunikida's "Uncle", Mori+Kasai, continuing Koizumi+Kyouko, and the war with the Sumiyoshi. There were some interesting new and concluded points, though. The harem reveal to Koizumi ended up being amusing. Haruhi's jealousy seems to have flared up a bit here. Is that the original Haruhi popping through a little?
Yeah; I guess that's something of a measure of things.... I put in call-backs to previous characterization to try and show the growth and remind everyone involved that what's going on here is by no means easy.
Quote from: JonBob on March 22, 2012, 12:16:03 PMAlso, regarding Kyon being tired, has the extra energy that Haruhi gave Kyon wore off? And why wouldn't Kyon be able to be well-rested at the end of his training session?
Well, physical exhaustion and emotional exhaustion aren't the same thing. Kyon's able to rest well with little sleep, but he's still human.
Yuki: "We can fix that."
Kuyou: "Quite easily."
Haruhi: "No turning Kyon into a tentacle monster! >_<"
Kyon: "...where did that even _come_ from?"
Haruhi: <.<
Kanae: "...that would solve a lot of problems though, you know. >.>"
Haruhi: ¬_¬
Kyon: "No!"
Quote from: JonBob on March 22, 2012, 12:16:03 PMI'm liking the inclusion of Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's a "normal" relationship for Haruhi, I dunno.
That's the goal of that dynamic. It's easy to just have things go off and be a big pile of supernatural beings doing supernatural stuff, and with Kyon's powerups, he wouldn't even have to be left behind.
But that's not nearly as fun, IMO, as remembering their roots. And, Haruhi wanted to save the entire world by overloading it with fun, not just have fun herself! (Okay, she was probably totally selfish originally, but by the later books has clearly grown. :p)
Thanks for the catches. :)
Quote from: thedarkfreak on March 23, 2012, 04:41:51 AMThe way this is written, it sounds like Mikuru was with Kyon, Kanae, and Haruhi, but it seems like she came to school with Tsuruya. Am I misunderstanding this? (I'm reading this at 2AM, so that's quite likely)
Nope! A typo on my part; Mikuru shouldn't have been in that list.
Quote from: thedarkfreak on March 23, 2012, 04:41:51 AMFreaking loved Yanagimoto being reminded that Haruhi is not subtle at all.
:D
Quote from: thedarkfreak on March 23, 2012, 04:41:51 AMQuote"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"
Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.
Kyon was going to say 'friends.' Kenshiro picks up on this and mentions it in the next line. Should I clarify, do you think?
Quote from: thedarkfreak on March 23, 2012, 04:41:51 AMOverall, quite enjoyed the chapter, had nice surprises in store. Enjoyed Kyon shutting down the kidnapping almost as quick as it began, and well as the curveball of the meeting with the big boss. Glad to see he seems to not be a hot-blooded guy seeking out battle where he can.
Kumichou: "I'm Tsuruya Kenshiro's boss -- do you think the author would let me be lame?"
Well, I guess you could have been nefarious, and then there's be a plot to overthrow you and have Kenshiro take over--
Kumichou: "I'm based on a real person -- do you really want to risk making an actual Yakuza irritated by using them as a villain in your fic?"
...kind-and-awesome kumichou is BEST kumichou. o_o;;
Thanks for the commentary. :D
Quote from: Phantom Kirin on March 25, 2012, 03:12:03 AM
Hmmm...
Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...
[spoilers]
I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...
Haruhi's real irritation is that the date isn't going as well as she'd like. I probably need to make that clearer; she thinks Kyon's stressed, and the date is supposed to be fun for all of them, and a chance to relax. She gets frustrated that they're supposed to be unwinding and he's absorbed with his job -- and then more frustrated that she can't actually be angry because he's justified.
Also, gave Kanae a chance to remind Haruhi that she'd rather everyone get along.
And ... I'm not clear on this -- you think Haruhi would try and pull Sasaki into the group? O_o?
Haruhi thought in a previous chapter that Sasaki finding out about the polyamory would be bad specifically because Haruhi thought Sasaki would want in. While things can change on that front, and Haruhi is genuinely attempting to be Sasaki's friend, that's a bit of an abrupt jump. :p
Give it time. ^_^;
Thanks for the commentary!
Alright, and now the big hueg replies. o_o
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMMood?
Oops-- Yes.
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuote"How often do people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right? So -- when was the last time you had dinner with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"
Maybe better without this "do"?
Quote from: revision"We're asking how often people have dinner with their families at restaurants away from home, right? So -- when was the last time you had dinner out with your family -- or with an uncle or an aunt?"
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMSometimes in this chapter, it's been "rumor-mill" instead.
Consistency is king. Removed the dash from chapter ten's instance as well (oops); this is mostly because I don't want to change all instances to be hyphenated only because I want to avoid changing the chapter title. <_<;
...lazy writer is lazy. >_<
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMThis gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.
Hm.... Oh, no, Kyon's refering to the hypothetica; Yuki typically goes to the clubroom for lunch anyway, and even if they weren't hiding from the rumor mill so would Mikuru. I think this needs some clarification, possibly, but am not sure how. Suggestions?
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuoteThe esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face. "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder. "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well.... It's nonsense to try and be annoyed. So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"
Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.
Hmm, which part? Or all of it?
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuoteShe bit the inside of her cheek and stared into the bottom of her teacup, hiding a sour grimace as she realized. What the hell was up with that? He was at the table with three other girls, and was distracted thinking about Sasaki?
Haruhi seems just a hair quick to conclude it's Sasaki whom Kyon expected to hear from, but only just. For the sake of keeping things moving, I think this is forgivable.
To be fair, there is a precedent for this. <_<;;
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuoteHe didn't wait for a response before dashing toward the large, open wall with a view of the candle-filled pond.
"Good luck!" Tsuruya called, just before he vanished into the darkness.
"But--" Haruhi started to protest before scowling. "Damn it!"
Repetitive construction.
Quote from: revisionJust before he vanished into the darkness, Tsuruya managed to call out, "Good luck!"
I also moved Kyon's departure to the paragraph where he last speaks to help try and break that up a bit.
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMHaruhi is extremely irritated about Kyon having to leave to rescue Sasaki, and really, thinking about the time he's missing with them instead of a girl who's just been kidnapped (again!) does seem like a bit much. I think Haruhi can understand what Kyon's having to do here on her own, even while it sours her mood to such an extent that it worries Tsuruya and Kanae. Something to consider, at any rate.
On the other hand, I'm not one to shy away from characters to who show a little human weakness and irrational thinking for a moment before collecting themselves.
Yeah, if it's over the top I can curb it a little, but Haruhi's frustration (and the jealousy/possessiveness thing) is actually leading to a plot point. >_>;;
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuote"Take care, Sir," Mori added.
I think I read that "sir" by itself shouldn't be capitalized this way? Minor point.
I believe that anything when used in lieu of a proper name should be capitalized. I suppose that 'sir' specifically may be an exception(?), but leaving it capatalized will be consistent to previous chapters. :x
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuote"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?
Mori and Kasai, together forever.
It was either that or Mori/Koizumi, and--
Miyoko: "I REFUSE!"
Erm. >_>;
Kyouko: "What's this all about?"
Miyoko: *glaring daggers*
Koizumi: "...thankfully I got that training from Kyon. -_-" *facepalms*
...anyway.
Quote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMOverall, I really like the personality of the Yamaguchi kumiyoshi and his overall plan for Kyon. Haruhi's efforts to extend a branch to Sasaki are welcome to see. One thing I thought a bit conspicuous was that Asahina's time with Kyon was more-or-less glossed over instead of presented in the same level of detail as Kyon's dinner with Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kanae. Then again, I personally can't think of what would go there if the scene had been presented in more detail, so the difference may be justified.
Hmm. It's ... somewhat touched on later where Mikuru notes that it wasn't enough time to really do anything. Hopefully it'll work as it is. >_<;;
Okay -- thanks for the reply, as always, Muphrid. :D
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMNo witty lead-in today, apologies.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Sympathy does not exist alone to be observed and not participated in
Word order is a little awkward (although that might be partly intentional.) I'd suggest "Sympathy does not exist to be observed alone without participating."
Hmm.... Maybe drop the 'alone' and change it to 'participation'?
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52so my theory is ... there's some kind of family trouble. That's why he's so distressed he made trouble, right?
Repetition of 'trouble'. Maybe 'issues' for the first?
Oh, I like that. :D
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMTiming issue. This should be Friday, I think, and while she -could- check him out with Yanagimoto the next day it'd need to be in here somewhere. Push it off to next week, perhaps?
Yeah, that's now Monday.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMRepetition of 'cloth' from the previous paragraph. Might want to use 'fabric' for one of them.
Material?
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit
Looking at this overall it's not a widespread problem, but it feels like you've used 'time traveler' quite a bit in short succession here - this is the third time this phrase has been used since the beginning of the chapter. Maybe mix this up with other titles/descriptors for Mikuru?
Might just be me being oversensitive to it, too.
Not sure. There were more instances of 'Mikuru' between those two. Still, changed the middle one (of five uses in this chapter) to 'chief of mascot services'.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52She trailed off and bit her bottom lip
Not necessarily a correction, but I'm used to seeing this described as 'chewing his/her lip'.
Interesting. I think I'll leave it as is.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Though she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.
This is kind of disconnected as it stands; at the very least, there should be a comma after 'though', although this is one of those spots where it might be better to use another word - or rephrase entirely. I'd suggest a sentence about all three dressing up in kimono, with an aside to say that Haruhi and Tsuruya dressed up Kanae themselves, since there's nothing here about what the other two are wearing.
Hmm.... How about:
Quote from: revisionEven better, Tsuruya had gotten Kanae an incredibly cute kimono -- her pattern was crescent moons and bamboo. Haruhi supposed it was supposed to reference Kaguya-hime, the girl from the moon, but thought she liked the idea of it being a Tanabata evening better.
Haruhi and Tsuruya had been familiar with the outfits, having worn theirs to the restaraunt together last time. Since they were much faster than Kanae, they had both gotten to dress the smaller girl up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project. Thinking of Mikuru, she really needed to be rewarded for the amazing amount of effort she was putting into those costumes.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52For Kanae's sake, if nothing else;
Sentence fragment. The section works as written, but could be fixed up with a wide-scale punctuation shuffle:
Quote from: SuggestionShe couldn't let that make her feel even worse; she needed to pull herself up from this spiral -- for Kanae's sake, if nothing else. She was trying to make Kanae feel comfortable, safe, and happy.
I'll go with that.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Taking another breath and forcing herself to calm,
Technically correct as written, but looks a little odd. I'd expect 'calm down' or at least 'sound/look calm'.
Oh? Alright, then. I'll go with calm down.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52To say nothing of the fact that Sasaki was certain that Kyouko's apology was genuine.
Sentence fragment. I'd say it could be em-dash spliced to the previous sentence except you already have an em-dash in it. Might replace that first one with a semicolon, though.
Stylistic?
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMYour nickname, and I haven't gone back to check previous incarnations, but I would think this would be 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' (only one hyphen). Might be wrong though, ignore if so.
Name shouldn't be hyphenated, too; this mistake appears to have been made elsewhere, according to the complete file. Mrg. Time to build another one of those, too. x_x
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Heaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition and killed the engine, then dropped them on the floor.
Order of operations seems off here. Wouldn't he kill the engine, then take the keys out and drop them?
Er, the idea was that removing the keys killed the engine. I'll clarify.
Quote from: revisionHeaving an aggrieved sigh, the driver took the keys from the ignition, shutting the engine off, then dropped them on the floor. "So, _now_ what?" he grumbled.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMPossible timing issue here, at least to me. Cram schools can certainly run into the evening, but in this case there's been enough time for the Brigade meeting, Kyon helping Mikuru over to her apartment with the sewing machine, and getting to the restaurant to meet Tsuruya and Haruhi before the abduction takes place. Where was Sasaki during that time? If she's got a club meeting of some sort at her own school, sure, but there's still a fairly large gap between clubs breaking up and when Kyon gets to the restaurant (or it seems like there should be).
Bah. Probably making something out of nothing here. Feel free to ignore my ramblings.
I thought it was mentioned they left early? I did not. I only implied it.
Quote from: revision"Okies!" Tsuruya declared, clapping her hands together. "While we're getting ready for our plans tonight, Mikuru-chan, Kyon-kun can leave early to help you carry those things home -- and meet with you in the mornings to bring it back!"
Beyond that, it is established that Sasaki's cram school starts around 5:00 ...ish? Hmm.
You know, I totally messed up, but it's also easily justified with her going in the evenings on Saturday specifically.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMLots and lots of commas, kind of run-on. Suggestion for the breakup:
Quote from: SuggestionThere was the time running to the scene -- which was fairly quick, invisibly roof-hopping while Ryouko called up the men who were closed to Sasaki's location. Next was the thankfully brief confrontation to actually _free_ Sasaki, and then more time to return her home. Then, since there was no chance of returning quickly enough to finish the dinner that he was supposed to be enjoying with Tsuruya, Haruhi, and Kanae, he oversaw replacing the men who needed time to recover thanks to the Sumiyoshi-rengo.
Alrighty.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52Mulling that over, he let himself be led to another car, and get driven home.
No comma needed before 'and', and I'd switch out 'get' for 'be'.
How about:
Quote from: revisionMulling that over, he let himself be led to another car and then driven home.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52everyone on their best behavior with the kumichou of the Yamiguchi-gumi on site
You have this as Yamaguchi-gumi elsewhere, but I honestly am not certain which is correct. Yamaguchi seems to be winning by volume, though.
...'Yamaguchi' is correct. >_<
Note to self: Recreate/publish chapter 9, 12, 14, 16, 22, 43, 50, 51 and 52
I must have gotten the wrong one into my dictionary at some point.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52He's my son-in-law, and also her saiko-komon
He's not Kyon's father-in-law yet, just engaged to his daughter.
Kenshiro: "He's not my son-in-law yet? Humph! Aida-chan--"
Tsuruya: "Not the way to handle that, Father."
Kenshiro: *wilting* "...oh."
'future' son-in-law, now. >.>
Kenshiro: *grumbling about the all-solving power of money*
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52though looked like a match for almost any man in a fight
Bringing this up here as a generality, since I see this a lot and it almost always pings my radar as unclear. I see you use this construction without a pronoun (e.g. "though he looked like a match...") quite frequently, and while it's a valid way to phrase it, I rarely see it without it making me catch for a moment and look it over twice to make sure I didn't miss something.
Since it's stylistic, I'm just going to note it here; if you want I can go back and look for other occurrences, but otherwise I'll let this point drop when I see it in the future.
Ah ... yes, I do that a lot. I think I'll leave it be unless it's a problem for anyone. I'll try and cut down a bit in the future if I've been overdoing it. <_<;;
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52but then, most of that's been for others
Vestigial comma.
Hmm. I feel there should be a comma after the then, because I naturally pause when running the dialog through my head.
I've used the 'but then' structure a bit, though; I find if I remove the comma, I also want to cut the 'then'. Which works!
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMQuote from: kbdh52because of the damage that Kyon-kun has caused
More a personal quibble than an error; it seems odd that the kumichou would immediately settle into using Kyon-kun. I'd be expecting just 'Kyon' here (-kun feels a little too informal, and using -san on a nickname is just kind of weird.)
Hmmm. Hmmm.
Ksasai/Shinobu: "Kyon-dono?"
Matsuri: "Kyon-nii-sama!"
Well, none of those are 'san.' ...okay, wow, that just made something click from canon for me. The use of a nickname results in Kyon being irritated that he doesn't feel anyone respects him. Well, we knew that, but I'd never considered that as a reason for him to dislike the nickname beyond just not liking it.
...bit of a digression. Okay, will be just 'Kyon'.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMNo caps for kumichou, unless you add them everywhere else (which makes less sense, as it's a job title).
Or it's being used in place of his name.
Quote from: Halbarad on March 26, 2012, 09:08:44 AMUnderstand you're shooting for a cliffhanger here, but this seems to go both too far and not far enough. It's setting up that Haruhi's going to have a spat with Tsuruya over this, but by actually starting the conversation, it puts too much into it. Maybe just back it off to Tsuruya turning around, straightening out her kimono, and coming face-to-face with a very sour-looking Haruhi who doesn't say anything?
Breaking up the actual dialogue between chapters seems like a bit much to me, is all.
Mm, alright. Cut.
Okay! That was extensive. X_X
Thanks for the reply. :D
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMI'm pretty sure I haven't doubled up on anybody else's corrections.
No real problem even if you did. :p
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMQuote"Um ... let's say that it's suddenly come to my attention that Kyon-kun may be the ideal person to turn for advice in the matter of Kyouko,"
*ideal person to turn to
Either that or Koizumi standing over Kyon while holding an SOS Brigade logo on a chain and shouting, "The power of Suzumiya compells you!" yeah. >_>;;
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMQuoteThough she'd let Tsuruya and Haruhi dress her up while Kyon was helping Mikuru move the equipment needed for her sewing project.
This sentence seems to be missing something.
This part got rewritten a bit. <_<;;
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMQuote"Kyon-kun may be busy reassuring Sasaki-san for a bit, but with any luck, once that's taken care of we can make up for lost time later,"
Did you mean "rescuing" instead of "reassuring" here?
Nope. >_>;;
However -- is this worth expanding on? That Tsuruya expects Kyon is going to do more than just kick some ass and then leave? I can do it pretty organically; it underscores Tsuruya's own happiness with those virtues of Kyon's (sticking with people he cares about).
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMIt seems weird that Kasai would say this. Even if she did have the time to train, she's still a teenage girl targeted by an organized crime syndicate. It would make more sense for him to just point out that a girl her size wouldn't stand a chance even if she had the time to learn to fight.
Hmmm. Expanded on that slightly, then:
Quote from: revision"Wouldn't really make a difference," Kasai countered. "You don't have the kind of time you need to gain appreciable skill versus attackers who are both larger and better trained."
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMThe phrasing here seems a little odd to me. "I'm fine, but I was a bit shaken;" or "I'm fine, but a bit shaken;" feels more natural.
Really? Alright. I'll simplify:
Quote from: revision"There was an incident with some vehicles on the way to the school," Sasaki answered, being technically honest after switching to her house slippers and walking to the kitchen entrance. "I was a bit shaken; coming back home seemed like a good idea."
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMQuote"T-think nothing of it," Mori said quickly, as he climbed out of the car. He paused, giving her a quizzical look, and the normally unflappable woman couldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks.... Was she blushing? Mori?
Ohoho, what have we here? :)
Mori: <_<;;
Kasai: *raises eyebrow, cracks knuckles*
Quote from: Empyrean on March 29, 2012, 02:37:07 PMQuote"I think I know her sizes," Kanae remarked, sitting up. "Nagato-san has taught me a lot about recognizing distances and measurements!"
"Alright, but Kyon can't hear that," Haruhi interjected before she could continue. "A girl's sizes are secret!"
Not to a dirty minded girl with supplemental training from Nagato, they're not. She has surpassed normal human limits to become Kanae: Big Damn Pervert.
XD
Well, it seemed amusing at the time ... and seems more amusing now~! :p
Okay -- thanks for the feedback! I'll get a revised version with the changes up tonight or tomorrow, but it's probably going to be complete after this. :)
Quote from: Brian on March 29, 2012, 04:50:19 PM
Quote from: Phantom Kirin on March 25, 2012, 03:12:03 AM
Hmmm...
Well, I've read the chapter, and I have this to note, for now...
[spoilers]
I don't mean to sound odd, but that seems... somewhat off character with K:BDH!Haruhi's attitude towards Sasaki, especially after she had spoken with the girl and would of likely of found a way to try to pull her into the Big Damn Harem(since it's pretty clear that she may not really want to leave Sasaki in the dark about any part of this), were it not for Sasaki's "power". Are you sure that Haruhi should feel angry about Sasaki being that much of a concern for Kyon? Angry for the fact that their double date is being interrupted by Sasaki's kidnapping, I could possibly see that(although I could also see a Haruhi that is simply annoyed at Sasaki being kidnapped again, but somewhat willing to understand that this is important, even if she doesn't like it)...
Haruhi's real irritation is that the date isn't going as well as she'd like. I probably need to make that clearer; she thinks Kyon's stressed, and the date is supposed to be fun for all of them, and a chance to relax. She gets frustrated that they're supposed to be unwinding and he's absorbed with his job -- and then more frustrated that she can't actually be angry because he's justified.
Also, gave Kanae a chance to remind Haruhi that she'd rather everyone get along.
And ... I'm not clear on this -- you think Haruhi would try and pull Sasaki into the group? O_o?
Haruhi thought in a previous chapter that Sasaki finding out about the polyamory would be bad specifically because Haruhi thought Sasaki would want in. While things can change on that front, and Haruhi is genuinely attempting to be Sasaki's friend, that's a bit of an abrupt jump. :p
Give it time. ^_^;
Thanks for the commentary!
Actually, the logic behind my words were fairly simple, if anything. I would of thought that the main hurdle that was keeping Sasaki away from the rest of the Brigade was, in fact, her Power Nullifier ability, and that, should that problem be resolved, then ironing out the rest of the issues would be but a simple manner, seeing as Haruhi and the others wouldn't have to hide anything from her anymore, which in my view is the main reason why it is difficult to do so in the first place. (I do recall that, in an earlier chapter, Haruhi's idea of keeping Sasaki away ended up leaving Haruhi with a whole lot of guilt over the fact that she is
lying to Sasaki, coming to the realization that she doesn't want to do such a thing, but really has no choice in the matter, due to the danger that Sasaki poses from her power)
My thoughts on this, therefore, would be something like this:
1) Sasaki's power is halted in some way or another by having her believe in the supernatural(this is very much possible, given that her power requires her direct perception to affect such a thing, by simply taking her to a place that could completely not make any sort of sense normally, such as Kuyou's Shadow Song, while she is unconscious, and, after waking up, have her realize that this is something that cannot be explained in a mindset that does not believe in the supernatural, thus requiring that someone, preferably by Kyon, explain to her what is going on and that there is more to the world than what she currently believes in, helping to fill in the blanks and all that).
2) With said power disabled or whatnot, Haruhi can start to befriend her without worrying about her powers being undone(if Sasaki's power is halted by the fact that she is willing to believe in the supernatural, then Haruhi could even demonstrate a few of her own abilities to her, stating that "most of us tend to have a few secrets, a few tricks up our sleeves. It's just that some of those are any but mundane." or something to that effect), and Sasaki can also start to befriend the rest of the Brigade as well.
3) Sasaki somehow ends up hearing about the polyamory thing that Haruhi and the others have been having with Kyon, and confronts them about it. Haruhi (or whoever else is confronted by this) will likely have to explain it to her at some point afterward, and it may end up taking a while to deal with the aftermath. (A possible solution would be that Kuyou would come and help her friend understand why they had to hide it, and offer some help with the notion that it may not be too late to, with the friendships that she is forming with the others, to "tighten her orbit" in a way that would allow for her to be able to eventually join in, just as Kuyou had to learn from her experiences of "tightening her own orbit" with Kyon)
4) After all is said and done, and Sasaki's bonds to the other members of the Brigade grow strong, she can finally join in on all this.
Naturally, as you said yourself, Durandall, this is something that needs time for it to happen, and more importantly, it fits in with the idea of people earning their Happy Ending, so the same would apply to Sasaki as well.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds bossy or weird or rude... I was just stating what I thought is all.
QuoteQuote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMThis gives me the impression Asahina isn't already in the room, even though before and after this paragraph, she clearly is.
Hm.... Oh, no, Kyon's refering to the hypothetica; Yuki typically goes to the clubroom for lunch anyway, and even if they weren't hiding from the rumor mill so would Mikuru. I think this needs some clarification, possibly, but am not sure how. Suggestions?
I think it may just be the greater logic of the passage then. Let's look at the stuff around it:
QuoteStill, if the rumor-mongers weren't bothering him or Tsuruya, and Haruhi had dealt with those bothering herself and Kanae.... Who else was really left to be annoyed? Mikuru had evidently warded them off by claiming to have a boyfriend, and Koizumi didn't appear to have any real problems on that front....
But then, it wasn't like he really wanted to complain about spending his lunch with the Brigade. Yuki would come to the clubroom to read after eating anyway, and Mikuru would probably arrive just to work on the costumes. While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company.
Deciding to risk distracting the time traveler a little bit, once she set down her scissors, he gently tapped her shoulder. "Asahina-san?" he hazarded.
So, I get that Asahina and Nagato would be in the club room anyway, whether there was a rumor mill to avoid or not? But the hypothetical doesn't really make it clear that that's what it's trying to talk about, nor am I really clear why it matters.
I guess the best way to fix it really depends on the meaning of the last sentence in that second paragraph: "While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company." To be honest, I just don't understand what "that" is referring to. Does he think he's going to disturb them by eating lunch there?
I'm just really confused. :/
QuoteQuote from: Muphrid on March 25, 2012, 02:09:08 PMQuoteThe esper paused, blinking slowly, then forming the most amused smile Kyon had ever seen on his face. "That ... is truly just like Suzumiya-san," he said with a sigh of his own, clapping one hand on Kyon's shoulder. "In that case, seeing how long she waited to notify even you, well.... It's nonsense to try and be annoyed. So, that in mind, I suppose since it's her planning, there's no real reason to ask you for advice about Kyouko, is there?"
Eh, considering Koizumi's outward sophistication, this construction is something that strikes me as somewhat unusual for him, but it's not jarring in itself.
Hmm, which part? Or all of it?
"Try and be annoyed," in particular.
...I see now the script I wrote to strip out html and do some other stuff to make it easier to c&c has actually stripped out all the times I underlined to try to make myself clear. Oops. Gonna go back and fix that.
QuoteIt's nonsense to try and be annoyed
I think normally it'd be "It's nonsense to try to be annoyed" but the repetition of "to" means an alternative word is needed. I suppose in isolation and when I focus on it, it comes across as "It's nonsense to try and it's nonsense to be annoyed."
Quote from: Muphrid on March 30, 2012, 05:10:29 PMI guess the best way to fix it really depends on the meaning of the last sentence in that second paragraph: "While he was certain that wouldn't be a problem, he doubted either of them really minded the extra company." To be honest, I just don't understand what "that" is referring to. Does he think he's going to disturb them by eating lunch there?
I'm just really confused. :/
Looking at it a bit more closely, the paragraph doesn't serve a point. I think I can trim it down to just this:
Quote from: revisionOf course, it wasn't like having lunch with the Brigade was any kind of imposition, anyway.
Quote from: Muphrid on March 30, 2012, 05:10:29 PM"Try and be annoyed," in particular.
'try and' is reflexive, I think; shouldn't be there. I will apply the all solving hammer of cutting the problem text! :D
Actually, some slight additional modification:
Quote from: revisionIt would be nonsense to be annoyed.
Alright -- thanks for the feedback!
Um -- belated realization, but "Quiet, Uneventful Evenings" is also the title of chapter 33 (Thwarted Lull 5). If the duplication is intentional, then fine, but if not...
Yeah, that wouldn't surprise me. >_<
I make that kind of error(sadly) frequently. I'll come up with another title-- I'm very glad you caught that, since it's the kind of mistake I make!
Quote from: Brian on March 29, 2012, 04:43:47 PM
Quote from: thedarkfreak on March 23, 2012, 04:41:51 AMQuote"So, if they attack and of our f-- allies...?"
Not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to say.
Kyon was going to say 'friends.' Kenshiro picks up on this and mentions it in the next line. Should I clarify, do you think?
I got that he was going to say 'friends', but the way it's worded, "and of our", I'm not quite sure how to puzzle that out. "So, if they attack and of our friends"? Doesn't seem to read correctly to me.
Also, I thought the title being duplicated was intentional; I saw it right away. *shrug*
That 'and' should be 'any' -- thanks for catching the typo. ^_^;;
*falls in from a portal linked to Spacebattles & FFnet*
Ow.
Well, Brian said to try here, as I seemed to win the 'PM lottery' - his words, not mine - over at FFNet and got his attention about his website is down, or at least the website TVTropes links/linked to that I've been reading the fanfic at. Once I get here, I'm nicely surprised by another chapter already being up and ready to read/review. I think I spotted the Touhou cameo trope for this chapter in the first read through - but that's just a incidental view, rather then a true review.
QuoteThe sound alerted both of the older girls, Haruhi turning to stare in surprise, and Tsuruya snickering-- Kanae just mumbled sleepily and shifted, pressing her face against Haruhi.
Something about this sentence seems to be off. I can't quite place it however, but I think there's a either a word missing before Haruhi turns, likely '...older girls,
with Haruhi turning...', or it needs a different punctuation then a comma separating girls & Haruhi. Also you mixed tenses. Haruhi & Tsuruya's actions are in the present tense, while Kanae's was past-tense.
Quote from: Barricade on April 02, 2012, 06:10:36 PM*falls in from a portal linked to Spacebattles & FFnet*
Ow.
Well, Brian said to try here, as I seemed to win the 'PM lottery' - his words, not mine - over at FFNet and got his attention about his website is down, or at least the website TVTropes links/linked to that I've been reading the fanfic at.
Sorry about the delay in replying.
I moved, and then, work was crazy. @_@
And, yeah, I had logged in to check an old PM on my account (and PMs must be enabled to read old PMs), which explains how you were able to contact me. Those windows are very brief, so your timing was lucky. :)
Quote from: Barricade on April 02, 2012, 06:10:36 PMQuoteThe sound alerted both of the older girls, Haruhi turning to stare in surprise, and Tsuruya snickering-- Kanae just mumbled sleepily and shifted, pressing her face against Haruhi.
Something about this sentence seems to be off. I can't quite place it however, but I think there's a either a word missing before Haruhi turns, likely '...older girls, with Haruhi turning...', or it needs a different punctuation then a comma separating girls & Haruhi. Also you mixed tenses. Haruhi & Tsuruya's actions are in the present tense, while Kanae's was past-tense.
Easily restated. I'm not sure that tenses are a genuine issue (that should be past continuous, not perfect past), but I can change it anyway:
Quote from: revisionThe sound alerted both of the older girls; Haruhi turned to stare in surprise, and Tsuruya snickered-- Kanae just mumbled sleepily and shifted, pressing her face against Haruhi.
Thanks for the feedback, and welcome to the forums! :D
Quote from: Brian on April 02, 2012, 01:31:03 AM
That 'and' should be 'any' -- thanks for catching the typo. ^_^;;
Ah, ok. That makes more sense.
Gave the chapter another read-through, don't think I've spotted anything others haven't.
It is both odd and amusing how Sasaki seems to be getting accustomed to being kidnapped. Made me think of Mokuba in Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged. "Ugh, who kidnapped me now? Wait, it's season three, so it must be.... Noah!" "This kidnapping sucks. All my other kidnappers let me stay up late and gave me ice cream."
*Sasaki gets kidnapped again, points out to her captors that the most amusing part of her day will be timing how fast it takes Kyon to get to her*
QuoteTsuruya was happy to run into Kyon, Kanae, and Haruhi, walking as a group up from the train station.
"Ya-hoo~!" she cheered, waving at the quartet
quartet? not trio?
Ah, right, Mikuru wasn't with them; she was with Tsuruya.
/me fixes.
It seems that I always arrive late these days :(
Commentaries and impressions about the current chapter:
Quote
"So, he was spotted on Monday night -- before he blew everything up by announcing the engagement -- having dinner with some uncle of his at a cafe downtown.
...
"Our sources say last Monday for you!" Haruhi exclaimed, shaking her head and crossing her arms over her chest.
Monday → Tuesday
Quote
Even though she'd been before, Haruhi had to admit that with Tsuruya's access, going to probably the most expensive and fanciest restaurant in the city was kind of fun.
How about "Even though she'd been there before" instead?
Quote
"And if you'd injured one of them, or even just caused enougn pain with pepper spray, they might have injured you in response," Mori added.
enougn → enough
Quote
Sasaki frowned. She didn't have any close friends at her new school -- not really.
Are Kyouko and Sasaki classmates in K:BDH? I ask this because I think that it would be nice if Sasaki has her as an "in-the-loop" classmate to avoid further feelings of alienation. Although, this helps to explain why Sasaki so readily accepted Haruhi's help.
Quote
"Here's your ultimatum, Kyon. If you can't clean up your act -- by which I mean 90 or better on every test and assignment from this point forward, then I'm pulling you out of that trouble-making club and sending you straight back to cram school!
— Akane to Kyon in kbdh07, after he saved Kanae from a guy with a knife.
Quote
"No cram school today? You've been skipping quite a bit!"
...
Her mother turned to give her a cool, studying gaze, then nodded, her attention going back to the stove.
— Sasaki's mom to her daughter in kbdh52, after the latter was kidnapped by the Yakuza for the second time.
I see a pattern. By any chance, are Akane and Sasaki's mother good friends? Wait...
Quote
"Sasaki-chan's mother called me a few days ago, you know! So don't think I haven't been keeping my eyes open for such opportunities."
They probably
are.
Quote
He caught a whiff of the scent of Mikuru's shampoo -- wait! Mikuru?!
Wait a minute, how did Kyon iden-? Doesn't matter.
Quote
"Nii-san?" his sister wondered, pausing from where she'd opened up Ryouko's box and collected the small interface.
No more "Kyon-kun" from Imouto? Nice.
Quote
"I couldn't find anything else out about Kunikida encountering family issues," Yanagimoto sighed. "Nothing he's mentioned at school, at least. We have his card, though?"
"Yeah," Haruhi allowed, biting back a sigh. "Well -- Monday's ... mostly free for me. We can check out where he goes. Hmm, I think Kanae-chan would be happier sitting that one out; those kinds of things scare her easily...."
It's just me or Haruhi intends to play the Amateur Sleuth (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AmateurSleuth) for real this time by tracking down uncle Hiko? If so, she could call Sasaki in. I'm sure Kyon would feel a strange sense of foreboding from their
mundane powers combined.
Quote
Haruhi grimaced. "The thought had crossed my mind," she allowed. "So ... I can't let that happen.
Missing quote symbol at the end.
Quote
"I won't ever turn my back on Tsuruya-hime," Kyon replied without hesitation, prompting the girl to blush as Kyon flinched, realizing who he had spoken to.
If this were a dating sim, I'm pretty sure that the variable assigned to Tsuruya's "love points" would have reached an arithmetic overflow just there.
Before I forget, Happy Birthday! (give or take 16 days (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aries_%28astrology%29), that's all I know).
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMIt seems that I always arrive late these days :(
No problem -- thanks for the feedback in any case. :)
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMMonday ? Tuesday
Well, for me it was a typo, but for them ... it was a--
Ow! Ow! Sorry -- I'll stop! >_>;;
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMHow about "Even though she'd been there before" instead?
Yeah, what I had was correct grammatically, but people seemed to get hung up on it. :\
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMenougn ? enough
Oop-- Thanks for the catch; if I don't reply to a correction from here on, it's because I used it. :)
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMAre Kyouko and Sasaki classmates in K:BDH? I ask this because I think that it would be nice if Sasaki has her as an "in-the-loop" classmate to avoid further feelings of alienation. Although, this helps to explain why Sasaki so readily accepted Haruhi's help.
Ah ... they should be, but I'm going to say that Kyouko goes to the same school as Kuyou.
....
I ... really want to find fanart of Kuyou in Kitago uniform now. o_o
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMI see a pattern. By any chance, are Akane and Sasaki's mother good friends? Wait...
Quote
"Sasaki-chan's mother called me a few days ago, you know! So don't think I haven't been keeping my eyes open for such opportunities."
They probably are.
Akane: "So ... I found out my son's involved in a Yakuza practice. I suggest keeping a very close eye on Sasaki-chan-- Kids these days!"
Sasaki!Mom: "Yeah, my daughter's evidently some kind of
reality warper, and is friends with a time traveler, and alien, and an esper!"
Akane: "...I'm so glad Kyon's not caught up in anything like that. O_O"
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMIt's just me or Haruhi intends to play the Amateur Sleuth (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AmateurSleuth) for real this time by tracking down uncle Hiko? If so, she could call Sasaki in. I'm sure Kyon would feel a strange sense of foreboding from their mundane powers combined.
Hmmm. I hadn't thought of this, but.... Excuse me while I edit some notes for upcoming chapters. >____>
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMIf this were a dating sim, I'm pretty sure that the variable assigned to Tsuruya's "love points" would have reached an arithmetic overflow just there.
Tsuruya: "H-scene unlocked~!"
Kyon: "...oooh."
Haruhi: "HEY!"
Quote from: Specular on April 06, 2012, 02:27:41 AMBefore I forget, Happy Birthday! (give or take 16 days (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aries_%28astrology%29), that's all I know).
Thanks. ^_^;;
My birthday was back on the 28th. :p
And thanks again for the feedback!
Quote from: Brian on April 06, 2012, 11:34:47 PM
Ah ... they should be, but I'm going to say that Kyouko goes to the same school as Kuyou.
....
I ... really want to find fanart of Kuyou in Kitago uniform now. o_o
None of those that I've found unfortunately, but have you seen some of the images on Puyo's Twitter account? There might be a couple of pictures there you'd really like.
https://twitter.com/#!/puyotopia/status/152739166571081730/photo/1 (https://twitter.com/#!/puyotopia/status/152739166571081730/photo/1)
SUPER EDIT:
I found one. Sort of NSFW in the mildest way possible:
(http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z261/grahf616/1910165.jpg)
I know she probably didn't quite look like this when she smiled during her impromptu date with Kyon and Yuki, but still I thought this was cute:
(http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z261/grahf616/16304259.jpg)
Quote from: Brian on April 06, 2012, 11:34:47 PM
I ... really want to find fanart of Kuyou in Kitago uniform now. o_o
Here you go (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/cg033.jpg). IIRC, this is from a doujinshi called "Cool Drive 3". Also, let's not underestimate the power of the Hare Hare Yukai (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/pv05315661.jpg).
Quote from: Brian on April 06, 2012, 11:34:47 PM
Akane: "So ... I found out my son's involved in a Yakuza practice. I suggest keeping a very close eye on Sasaki-chan-- Kids these days!"
Sasaki!Mom: "Yeah, my daughter's evidently some kind of reality warper, and is friends with a time traveler, and alien, and an esper!"
Akane: "...I'm so glad Kyon's not caught up in anything like that. O_O"
:D Now that I think about it, Kyon has a little of potential to be considered a veritable nightmare for the parents of Haruhi, Kanae and Sasaki. Let's put it from their PoV: your teenage daughter is obviously interested in a close male friend from her age, who happens to be a feared high-ranked yakuza with a fiancée and you daughter, as far as you can tell, seems to be oddly OK with that.
Quote from: Brian on April 06, 2012, 11:34:47 PM
Thanks. ^_^;;
My birthday was back on the 28th. :p
I was late, yet again. Well, one could say it was "within parameters" at least.
Quote from: Grahf on April 07, 2012, 02:23:39 AM
None of those that I've found unfortunately, but have you seen some of the images on Puyo's Twitter account? There might be a couple of pictures there you'd really like.
Many of Puyo's illustrations posted in his twitter account are very nice. Some time ago I wrote a script just to track them down. Take a look (http://brewster.freeiz.com/puyo.htm).
Wau-- Those were all pretty nice. o_o
Inspiration gotten. I may be hopelessly Kyon-biased ... but at least I seem to be doing this one story right!
Thanks for the images, guys. I'll pass on the script and keep writing fanfic as long as you keep finding awesome pictures. Deal? ;)
Every image of Kuyou I ever see still elicits this minor double take along the lines of wow, she has truly unreasonable amounts of hair.
Quote from: Brian on April 07, 2012, 08:12:37 PM
Thanks for the images, guys. I'll pass on the script and keep writing fanfic as long as you keep finding awesome pictures. Deal? ;)
Taking that at face value and on the topic of Kuyou, from the top my head I would choose "older-looking" (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/pv7120800.gif), "wearing a furisode" (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/pv1829888.jpg), "with Taniguchi" (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/pv20503246_p4.png) and "chibi mode" (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/kk19.jpg). Bonus: "Chibi division" (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/Kuyou/pv577369.gif).
From Puyo's twitter account (http://pastehtml.com/raw/btyxr9dmk.html), my favourite pictures would be Sasaki (http://p.twimg.com/Aj9SsIPCAAA0SvQ.jpg:large), Yuki (http://p.twimg.com/AiAYkBaCAAAa6Lg.jpg:large), Kanae (http://p.twimg.com/Ah6IhVyCEAEOmdL.jpg:large).
Quote from: alethiophile on April 07, 2012, 09:25:39 PM
Every image of Kuyou I ever see still elicits this minor double take along the lines of wow, she has truly unreasonable amounts of hair.
In my case, the opposite (http://img2.blogs.yahoo.co.jp/ybi/1/f9/5a/keyblade_soraroxas/folder/45015/img_45015_25053670_1?1282698637) holds true.