Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

I really enjoyed the intro with Kyon's dialog on sleep. It amused me a lot. That was quickly followed by surprise at Haruhi waking him up? A little bit of background, and then the finisher: they aren't actually dating. Intriguing.

First big reveal, imo, is that Kyon is still keeping Haruhi in the dark about her powers. A bit more about Kyon. For some reason I find this extra funny "I don't find her face-down, collapsed on her bed and dressed for work with Shamisen curled up on her back this time"

Film cameras really are becoming rate for photography these days -> rare

I've got enough rolls cached away in the apartment that I don't need to worry about that -> cached or stashed?

I'm not sure why Kyon keeps mentioning Taniguchi and Kunikida if Haruhi's already mentioned the college name and he knows it's an all-women's college. And.... Mikuru! Cheerful(ish) reunion! Though the lack of Kyon comparing her to her high school or older version is a tad odd.

Well, that's certainly interesting; this is a psuedo-sequel to Hot Air?

Clever reason for botany, wanting the information available for the future. I like how Haruhi commandeers Mikuru for a vacation.

It is a bit of a surprise that Yuki is so verbose in e-mail, but it might be due to being a less lossy communication medium.

The waitress at the noodle house that Kyon and Mikuru are at seems like she's going to be more important than she ends up being (though the "You'd better take good care of Asahina-sensei" part was amusing).

"Well, maybe I shouldn't say, in case that happened yet." Is there a "hasn't" missing somewhere?

Poor Mikuru, being stuck her and only informed of it after 10 years. I'm not sure why she would still be forbidden/discouraged from having relationships in this time if she stays here.

"Thinking about them, though, they're somewhere in a box-- Unless Haruhi pulled them our recently" -> pulled them out

It's interesting that Haruhi easily acknowledges that Koizumi and Mikuru both tell Kyon things but not her.

"It should be good to catch up with him, too," -> "It would be good..."?

"Nagato smoothly reads the action as Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world." So, Yuki grabbed that cat? But then later it seems like Haruhi is holding the cat at the door.

"I am sadly, not gainfully employed at the moment." Comma before the "sadly"?

"I have the strange impression of her combining a machine gun and a dictionary, firing out words faster than I can parse them." Lol. Also, the game sounds familiar...

"After that, like Suzumiya-san and Kyon-kun, I myself am engaged, too." Awkward. Also, how can you be engaged after something?

"And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions." Something's missing.

"When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie." The last phrase makes me stop and parse it out to figure out what's going on. 

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMFirst big reveal, imo, is that Kyon is still keeping Haruhi in the dark about her powers. A bit more about Kyon. For some reason I find this extra funny "I don't find her face-down, collapsed on her bed and dressed for work with Shamisen curled up on her back this time"

Trying to show that it's not just Haruhi taking care of Kyon, but that they're both functional -- and he looks out for her, too.  Glad that worked. :)

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMFilm cameras really are becoming rate for photography these days -> rare

Ack; made a bunch of mistakes like this one. :x

If I don't reply to a correction, it's because I used it.

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMI've got enough rolls cached away in the apartment that I don't need to worry about that -> cached or stashed?

Either should work, I believe.

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMI'm not sure why Kyon keeps mentioning Taniguchi and Kunikida if Haruhi's already mentioned the college name and he knows it's an all-women's college. And.... Mikuru! Cheerful(ish) reunion! Though the lack of Kyon comparing her to her high school or older version is a tad odd.

...huh.  I don't see them being brought up repeatedly.  Twice in the entire chapter, and the second instance is Kyon noting they've been ruled out specifically because of the women's college thing.

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMWell, that's certainly interesting; this is a psuedo-sequel to Hot Air?

Kind of.  One possible future.  Not the only one.

Kyon: "I _told_ you she could fly that balloon to the moon if she wanted to. -_-"

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PMPoor Mikuru, being stuck her and only informed of it after 10 years. I'm not sure why she would still be forbidden/discouraged from having relationships in this time if she stays here.

Kyon: "Because all of the other time travelers are jerks!"

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PM"It should be good to catch up with him, too," -> "It would be good..."?

I think this one is okay....  Probably.  If anyone else trips over it, will revise.

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PM"Nagato smoothly reads the action as Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world." So, Yuki grabbed that cat? But then later it seems like Haruhi is holding the cat at the door.

Oops.  No, Yuki just watches.  I'll revise.

Quote from: revisionNagato smoothly reads the action of what happens next from the comfort of her seat.  Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world in a fluid, practiced motion; to Shamisen, this is just another old game.

     Even if you were a stray when we found you, apartment life has made you softer, Shamisen.  I don't think you'd enjoy it much out there.

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PM"After that, like Suzumiya-san and Kyon-kun, I myself am engaged, too." Awkward. Also, how can you be engaged after something?

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PM"And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions." Something's missing.

Quote from: revision...as best as I _can_ explain this.  "After ... Nagasaki, Haruhi realized that it wasn't enough to make something useful like a new, cheap fuel.  And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions could arise more easily because of the reduced costs -- if money can be saved on _fuel_, where else can they save on expenses?

     "From that point on, as you know, she's dedicated herself to keeping the space industry alive.  A major factor in that is reminding people that just because _fuel_ is cheap now, other elements -- especially those important for safety -- cannot be ignored."

Quote from: JonBob on April 24, 2012, 01:51:40 PM"When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie." The last phrase makes me stop and parse it out to figure out what's going on.

Ah, yeah.

Quote from: revisionIt doesn't take long to clear the table.  When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in next to her.  Judging by the screen, we're not long into the movie anyway -- the introduction has just concluded.

It brought a smile to my face to read that Mikuru is still the World's Lightweight Champion when it comes to getting buzzed on a dime.

Even though I know that it's extremely unlikely to be the case, for some reason the more Koizumi talks about his fiancee the more I think it's Sasaki. Of course if that was actually the case then I'd suspect that he'd either be trying to hide the fact he was engaged at all, or just come clean with it. I'm mostly a silly idea that popped into my head, but one that I just can't seem to shake.

I like that character a bit too much to do that for her.  Admittedly, I'm biased against it because of how Perkele handled it in his The Dream of..., but, yeah. >_>;

Honestly, the first person that came to mind for the engagement was Tsuruya

QuotePreparing myself for the worst, I pour us glasses of water, and at the sound of a piteous whine, give Shamisen some food.  I guess he's been a little annoyed at the extra noise and traffic through his domain lately?

Maybe "...water and, at the sound..."  Basically, moving the comma to avoid it looking like another independent clause is coming?  Not sure if that's just me, though.

QuoteKoizumi spreads his arms in a shrug, shaking his head gently.  "Nothing," he admits.  "Things were calming down in our third year of high-school, and that only progressed.  There was a single instance of closed space that year -- the last one, to the best of my knowledge.

You've started hyphenating high school here, though later on ("high-school classmate") is probably safe.

Quote"Well--  Considering things, my choices felt like they were to either admire ... or resent her," Koizumi says carefully.  "I chose the one that seemed best at the time....  But looking back and meeting her now, I realize I can look at her as a friend.  There's no longer that worrisome hint of coersion or need."

Coercion.

Quote"My sympathies," Koizumi says with a wince.  "I hadn't meant to open an old wound; if my advice on the subject is welcome, it would probably be best to let the current activities play out as they have been so far."

Koizumi's use of the phrase echoes exactly what Kyon just said to him a few lines before.  If this is intentional, I think it's good--maybe you could even call attention to that if you wanted to.

Quote"If you say so," I agree.  It's just another excuse to remain as I have, saying nothing ... but at least for once I can truthfully say it wasn't launched by my own initative!

Initiative.

Quote"My role in things in the second year was downplayed, for the mostpart.  Though, since we're on the subject ... I met the older Asahina-san at that time.  Would you know if that's something she's done yet, from her perspective?"

Most part.

QuoteWell....  That's probably entirely true.  Even if it was only a week, there were two months of training before we were allowed up.  Not that we had a problem with that; even the training could be made into an awareness-raising exercise.  And the photographs taken there, while not anything ground breaking, are some of my favorites.

Maybe "ground-breaking"?

QuoteBefore we can reminisce further, the door explodes open, Haruhi gleefully leading the way, her arms loaded down with bags.  "Okay!" she cheers, Asahina-san peeking in nervously behind her and offering a shy smile.  Nagato is at Haruhi's side, looking ambivelant to being hauled along with the energetic rocket scientist.

Ambivalent.

QuoteWell, I guess that could be worse....  Usually it's more for children, but I can see Haruhi's not about to let her sense of fun be thwarted, is she?  It certainly seems harmless enough, so why not?

"It's" seems to refer to the yukata; maybe "they're" instead?

QuoteThe amount of expendable income an adult has versus a teenager is sometime staggering.  It pains me to think what I'd done in terms of trying to save up money when I was younger, compared to how much I can practically throw away for a decent camera these days!

Sometime -> sometimes?

QuoteWell, that's fine, then.  After Nagato's pictures, Haruhi poses for a few herself, and then it's Asahina-san's turn.  "I'm a bit jealous that she's still so good looking after all this time," Haruhi remarks once I lower the camera.  "Don't you think she'll make a lovely bride?"

I remember thinking something like that in high-school, yes -- frequently jealously realizing it wouldn't be me....  Asahina-san's blush intensifies at that compliment from Haruhi, though, and she looks mildly uncomfortable.  Well, I guess that's a reminder to her that she's not supposed to seek out that kind of relationship, according to her bastard superiors.

I've tried not to pick on adverbs, particularly as I've found myself using them more, but "frequently jealously" seems a little clumsy?  I'm not sure what could be done about it, though, other than removing one word (which then means that aspect is lost).  You could do "I remember thinking something like that frequently in high school, yes -- and I realized with envy that the man to marry her wouldn't be me."  Actually, this points out a problem with how the paragraphs work together: while I didn't realize it at first, Kyon must be saying he's not the one to make Asahina his bride, but that's not the question Haruhi posed to him, so for a moment, one might think Kyon is saying he wouldn't be a lovely bride?  (Oh boy.)

That last part is so subtle, though--as I said, I didn't realize that they were constructed that way until trying to address the point about the chained adverbs.

QuoteWhile my mind should probably be on the fun we're having, arriving at a late enough hour that most of the children are gone, it instead wanders.  Taking pictures is a mostly subconscious habit at this point, so I don't really have to think about it, just snapping shots that I expect will surprise me when I review them later.

Perhaps "...it, just snapping..." -> "...it.  I just snap..."

QuoteI had once proudly refered to that fact as my 'trump card,' something I could use in defense of my friends should it be needed.  It had even crossed my mind to play it against Kimidori for Nagato's benefit ... but in the end, that hadn't even been needed.

Referred.

QuoteDid I do something wrong?  It must have been how distracted I was, dampening the mood....

I think this is probably fine, but every time I see the word "dampen" I think of someone lambasting the Star Trek people for "inertial dampeners" (which make inertia wet) versus "inertial dampers" (which reduce inertia).  Just a random thought.

QuoteI sit up before Shamisen can try and make himself comfortable again and eye my roommate blearily.  It's easy to succumb to the desire to grouse about coffee, or make some dry, joking comment about how early she's woken me up--  But I'm not like an astronaut, needing a constant supply of snark to sustain me in a harsh envrionment I could not otherwise withstand; I can set that aside when I'm troubled.

Environment.

QuoteBeing an independant journalist, I've at least had a chance to look at various forms of reporting.  There was a thought in my mind at one point that I could try war reporting, as it was something I hadn't done, but after Nagasaki, Haruhi and I had both seen enough unpleasantness to have limited interest in the idea.

Independent.

QuoteThere was nothing at the festival that really compelled me to share in an article, and as far as the food we ate -- I'm not a restaraunt reviewer, or critic, or even an amateur gourmand.  Sure, I can complain about almost anyone's cooking, but that's not the point.

Restaurant.

QuoteStill, it had been a few days since I'd written anything at all, and I was starting to get a restless itch that even the pleasant distraction of a reunion couldn't quite overcome.  I tend to think of and describe myself as lazy, but I don't want to get in the habit of not doing work at all!  But what can I really do?  This is supposed to be a relaxing vacation.

Once we gathered at the train station before Koushien stadium, I can at least smother it beneath my own interest in the upcoming game, and the better proximity of those we were visiting with.  The meeting place is naturally the covered area outside the train station nearest the stadium.

Tenses seem confused here.  To be consistent with the prevaling present tense, possibly "It has been a few days" and "Once we gather"?

QuoteNaturally, since it's early in the season, this isn't an interleague game; his team is playing elsewhere.  For myself, I'm wearing a Hanshin Tigers' T-shirt, same as Haruhi--  Asahina-san looks a little embarassed when she shows up and realizes she's the only one to wear a soft pink blouse without any mascot at all.

Embarrassed.

QuoteShe clears her throat softly, her voice a bit less steady than it usually is when she turns to Asahina-san and adds, "The bear is in good condition ... owned less than twenty four hours."

Twenty-four.

QuoteIf I didn't know Haruhi better, the veneer of false cheer she presents would convince me she weren't still struggling a bit, so we hed in.  We pause briefly because I have to visit the trinket stalls and buy both a hat and a small Tigers' mascot for Nagato.  Technically Asahina-san, but....

"hed" -> "head"

QuoteI wonder if this is the same section Haruhi went to last time?  We're behind the foul line on the left of home plate, and she keeps glancing to a spot opposite us -- behind the foul line to the right, so I suppose that might be where she was.

I'm not sure of the terminology in Japan, but I would typically describe this as on the third-base side or on the first-base side.  Then again, Kyon using simple left and right may be the best for everyone, including people unfamiliar with baseball.

QuoteSo we chat for a bit before putting any music on; Nagato actually takes advantage of Haruhi being a bit rattled by the game to insist that it's her turn to pay for something.  After that, we order drinks and even though it's probably overpriced, a reasonable meal of sanwiches and unhealthy junk food.  Somehow, that reminds me of Nagato's approach to cooking, as well....

Sandwiches.

QuoteHaruhi has to dig through the song selection for a while before she finds a karaoke version of an ENOZ song she approves of, but follows Yuki up flawlessly--  Before Asahina-san takes a turn, Koizumi and I are coerced into a duet.

Nagato.

QuoteWell, even lacking confidence, I give it my best -- this or a pop song, both are nearly as alien to me as the vacuum of space!  I spit out the lyrics and try not to think of anything but the music, like a satellite with a broken reciever broadcasting to the world below.

Receiver.

Quote"Aah," Asahina-san manages, sniffling.  "That--  That was very well done, Kyon-kun!" she says insistantly, dabbing at her eyes.  "Wasn't that from a movie?"

Insistently.

QuoteIt was, wasn't it?  A happier one, too, in my opinon.

Opinion.

Quote"Ah, no," Asahina-san says, jolted from her reviere.  "I--  I couldn't ever become a celebrity!  I-it's impossible to imagine my name becoming famous!" she insists, shaking her head quickly.  Still ... I can see she's smiling, her cheeks glowing at the praise.

Reverie.

Koizumi explains what happened to the Organization and the course he's taken after high school, saying that he feels like that time is almost surreal.  He admits that he had an attraction to Haruhi and that he thought she and Kyon would become a couple.  Kyon considers whether it's time to tell Haruhi the truth, now that she's put aside her melancholy and can handle it, but he's unsure whether to do that and risk upsetting things in a way that would make her unhappy.  Their conversation goes to Koizumi's fiancee, Koizumi's career path, how Kyon has taken a lot of the excitement of their lives with him, going to space and such.  They don't seem to actually get to Koizumi's fiancee by the time Haruhi bursts in with yukata for them all to change into.

Once changed, Kyon gets a cab while the girls finish, Kyon ponders a bit how much more money he has available to spend as an adult, and Haruhi playfully sticks him with the cab fare.  When they arrive at the festival, Kyon studies Haruhi's yukata more closely, and then Nagato and Asahina's as well.  Kyon's description of how Asahina looks in particular is reminiscent of how his younger self would wax poetic over her beauty, so that seems very apt.

The topic turns to romance for Haruhi and then for Nagato, who claims she's married to her work, that she's tried and doesn't find it quite so fulfilling.  This is a neat way of having her express her philosophy and what she's trying to do in life (and the extra layer of realizing what she's actually talking about, at that), and it's nice to see Nagato genuinely happy, regardless of how she goes about it.  Haruhi accepts this but insists Asahina will make a lovely bride...which Asahina doesn't rule out, despite Kyon thinking that she has restrictions in place. 

The group moves on through the festival, and Kyon takes some snapshots.  They all play games and watch a performance, and Kyon thinks back on Haruhi's remark about Asahina as a bride and how he thought he would be the one to make Haruhi a bride.

This goes into a scene where Kyon recounts how he and Haruhi began to date--in particular, Haruhi was the one to start it, in a fairly casual, "We should date" -> "Sure, I like you; I'll do that." thing.  It's rather funny how nonchalant this scene is (Haruhi's excitement notwithstanding).  Kyon actually remarks on how this didn't require any initiative from him.  Kyon remembers how the last supernatural thing he encountered was Nagato being granted freedom from the Entity, how Haruhi had no part in this and he'd not told her about any of it.  Kyon has wondered about telling her, about why she shouldn't be able to find all those things instead of making herself into the person she is today, but Kyon shied away from that, despite all his faith in her, in fear that such a revelation would upset what they'd built together, and very quickly, their time dating ended without ever getting very far.  So we see that that fear of upsetting what they do have has yet to fully fade, even though it cost him a chance at something more.  It's still the case even now, as seen earlier when he was talking with Koizumi.

Kyon's thoughts go back to the present, where his brooding has spoiled some of the atmosphere during the fireworks.  Haruhi insists they all take the yukata to remember the festival by, with a special and pointed glance at Kyon.  Kyon gives Nagato the bear he won earlier, prompting a reaction he can't quite read at the time.  Haruhi asks Kyon for copies of his photos for herself, and eventually a remark from Kyon about how they all can't be rocket scientists seems to stick with her for a moment, and Kyon thinks maybe he should ask her what's been weighing on her, or that if only he'd made a different choice in the past.

Haruhi sneaks to her room before Kyon can follow up, however, and disquiet keeps Kyon up printing photos and disturbs what little sleep he can find.  Haruhi actually wakes him, and Kyon resists the temptation to deflect her concern with snark.  They talk about the bear and how Haruhi thinks he should've given it to Asahina (this sounds a bit like Higurashi).  Kyon realizes he's been moping a bit, and Haruhi says that she has to try to resist falling back into old, bad habits, how she used to be with the Brigade before, particularly how she was with Kyon.  Kyon encourages her not to hold herself to inhumanly high standards, and this seems to cheer Haruhi up, but Kyon wonders a bit if things are really resolved.

Kyon waxes for a bit on the nature of sports and reporting as a prelude to the baseball game.  Haruhi encourages Kyon to buy Asahina some apparel when she shows up without anything particular to a team.  There's some trading around for stuffed mascots and bears and Kyon buys Asahina a hat.  Nagato seems to have a crush on a player, priceless!  As they sit, Haruhi stares a bit in the direction of where she may have sat for that game long ago, and as soon as the game is over, Haruhi leads them out to karaoke.

After Kyon does a solo performance, Haruhi encourages Asahina to sing, despite a shaky voice.  In particular,

QuoteHaruhi snatches it before it hits the ground like a crashing rocket.  "It's no problem," she insists, pressing the microphone back into Asahina-san's.  "Deep breath, relax, and we'll sing together; pretend that there's no one else here but you and m--  No one but you and one other person," she instructs, one arm going around Asahina-san's side supportively.

Ah, Haruhi, we love you for your total lack of subtlety.

Asahina puts on a stunning performance with Haruhi to help her get started.

As they head home, Kyon reflects on the day, on how much Haruhi pushed herself to do something fun for everyone, on how she and Asahina found some common ground in the karaoke parlor.  He carries Haruhi to their apartment while she sleeps, but Haruhi wakes up after and asks to sleep beside him, in her words, for "one last time."  What could she mean by that?  Is Haruhi resolved, then, that she should never ask that of him again?  At any rate, Kyon agrees.


Overall, there's a lot of focus on Haruhi's struggle to do things for others while herself being somewhat unhappy or ill at ease, despite Kyon's encouragements.  The conversation between her and Kyon in the middle of the chapter definitely stabilized her, but it realisticially feels like just enough to get her through the day, as opposed to a conclusive airing out of what's between them.  And that's probably best, because it feels early to have that all just cleared away.  Still, Kyon seems no closer to coming to a decision on what to tell her--whether to tell the secret he's been holding or to put it to bed and decide that he's really content.  He's still stuck in the middle--arguably, as much as Haruhi seems to be.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

QuotePreparing myself for the worst, I pour us glasses of water, and at the sound of a piteous whine, give Shamisen some food.  I guess he's been a little annoyed at the extra noise and traffic through his domain lately?

Maybe "...water and, at the sound..."  Basically, moving the comma to avoid it looking like another independent clause is coming?  Not sure if that's just me, though.

No, that'd offset the parenthetical.  I think your suggestion is correct.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMYou've started hyphenating high school here, though later on ("high-school classmate") is probably safe.

Should be consistent throughout this fic, actually.  Are you thinking of K:BDH, where I didn't?  Of course, if it's wrong, it's easy to fix.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMCoercion.

Yeah, I ran spellcheck. >_>;

Oops. <_<;;

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

Quote"My sympathies," Koizumi says with a wince.  "I hadn't meant to open an old wound; if my advice on the subject is welcome, it would probably be best to let the current activities play out as they have been so far."

Koizumi's use of the phrase echoes exactly what Kyon just said to him a few lines before.  If this is intentional, I think it's good--maybe you could even call attention to that if you wanted to.

I think Koizumi should drop the 'been'.

I also can't find what dialog you're refering to from Kyon?  Koizumi's analysis matches Kyon's internal narration, so I guess it's implied that Kyon may have said something along those lines, but I try to use that trick sparingly.  It was more meant to say that Koizumi thinks Kyon's probably got a good handle on things so far -- at least until more information comes to light (more on that next chapter). :x

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

QuoteWell, I guess that could be worse....  Usually it's more for children, but I can see Haruhi's not about to let her sense of fun be thwarted, is she?  It certainly seems harmless enough, so why not?

"It's" seems to refer to the yukata; maybe "they're" instead?

Oop, yeah.  Or 'it is a tradition' or something--  Your suggestion is probably better.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

QuoteWell, that's fine, then.  After Nagato's pictures, Haruhi poses for a few herself, and then it's Asahina-san's turn.  "I'm a bit jealous that she's still so good looking after all this time," Haruhi remarks once I lower the camera.  "Don't you think she'll make a lovely bride?"

I remember thinking something like that in high-school, yes -- frequently jealously realizing it wouldn't be me....  Asahina-san's blush intensifies at that compliment from Haruhi, though, and she looks mildly uncomfortable.  Well, I guess that's a reminder to her that she's not supposed to seek out that kind of relationship, according to her bastard superiors.

I've tried not to pick on adverbs, particularly as I've found myself using them more, but "frequently jealously" seems a little clumsy?  I'm not sure what could be done about it, though, other than removing one word (which then means that aspect is lost).  You could do "I remember thinking something like that frequently in high school, yes -- and I realized with envy that the man to marry her wouldn't be me."

Oh, 'frequently realizing jealously'.  For the other issue, just added a 'to me'.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

QuoteWhile my mind should probably be on the fun we're having, arriving at a late enough hour that most of the children are gone, it instead wanders.  Taking pictures is a mostly subconscious habit at this point, so I don't really have to think about it, just snapping shots that I expect will surprise me when I review them later.

Perhaps "...it, just snapping..." -> "...it.  I just snap..."

Hmm, I actually like this one the way it is; it's meandering, but so is Kyon's attention at that point. :x

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMI'm not sure of the terminology in Japan, but I would typically describe this as on the third-base side or on the first-base side.  Then again, Kyon using simple left and right may be the best for everyone, including people unfamiliar with baseball.

Yeah, I'm one of those people. <_<;

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AM

QuoteHaruhi has to dig through the song selection for a while before she finds a karaoke version of an ENOZ song she approves of, but follows Yuki up flawlessly--  Before Asahina-san takes a turn, Koizumi and I are coerced into a duet.

Nagato.

Drat.  At least I think I was better about that this time around. :x

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMThey don't seem to actually get to Koizumi's fiancee by the time Haruhi bursts in with yukata for them all to change into.

Yeah -- I can revisit this if required, but the next chapter may be able to address it as well, since that should let Koizumi take center stage a bit more (since it's his suggestion of what to do that day).

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMSo we see that that fear of upsetting what they do have has yet to fully fade, even though it cost him a chance at something more.  It's still the case even now, as seen earlier when he was talking with Koizumi.

Okay, that seems to have come across as I'd planned -- great. :3

Quote from: Muphrid on May 20, 2012, 12:10:07 AMOverall, there's a lot of focus on Haruhi's struggle to do things for others while herself being somewhat unhappy or ill at ease, despite Kyon's encouragements.  The conversation between her and Kyon in the middle of the chapter definitely stabilized her, but it realisticially feels like just enough to get her through the day, as opposed to a conclusive airing out of what's between them.  And that's probably best, because it feels early to have that all just cleared away.  Still, Kyon seems no closer to coming to a decision on what to tell her--whether to tell the secret he's been holding or to put it to bed and decide that he's really content.  He's still stuck in the middle--arguably, as much as Haruhi seems to be.

Okay, that seems to have worked, too, then.  Thanks for the analysis, that was helpful to see how it's come across.

With the removal of the flashback to Haruhi and Kyon dating and why they stopped, as well as the change to the final scene so that Haruhi doesn't ask Kyon to sleep beside her to soothe her nerves (which I understand may have had to be changed anyway on logical grounds), some focus has been taken off Haruhi, Kyon, and the status of their relationship, and I'm concerned that nothing seems to have moved in to fill that void.

I'm not clear what the future intentions of the story are as of now, and given how tumultuous this week must have been, I had been hesitant to press, but there are only so many possibilities, so I figure I may as well try to address the big ones:

A) Kyon and Asahina are going to get together with Haruhi's encouragement and blessing, and Haruhi and Kyon will put any wounds between them to rest.  The problem I see with this one is that, while Asahina has received more focus and time than Koizumi or Nagato, that focus is much, much less than what's been given to Haruhi and Kyon's past relationship and how that affects their current interaction.  So far, I haven't gotten any kind of feeling from Kyon that he would seriously consider this possibility, lingering feelings for Haruhi aside, and by the same token, I don't know if I've seen enough of anything to suggest Asahina would really allow herself to engage in such a relationship.

That's not to say I don't think it can work; I just feel that in the content written so far, the other characters treat Asahina as a possiblity for Kyon, where Kyon himself has been far too fixated on Haruhi to consider it.  Maybe in future chapters the balance would start to shift; I just feel compelled to point out that I don't think it's even significantly started to tip yet.

Now, the other big possibility,

B) Kyon and Haruhi patch things up and, with Kyon able to tell Haruhi the truth, they can have a real relationship after all.  In this scenario, Asahina acts as a stimulus to break Kyon and Haruhi out of their established pattern and to bring those buried issues back to the fore.  I think that could work if that's what your intentions are at this time, but given that some of the material that would play into this has been removed (maybe never to be readded, maybe to reappear later), I'm not sure I see that this is a focus or an issue.  But I think on a mechanical level it can work if that's what you've chosen.

There's something that complicates both of these, and I think it's proven the sticking point that requires a ton of careful outside logic and thinking to be introduced:  namely, what Kyon tells Haruhi about her powers and the supernatural.  Because it's part of the reason their relationship failed, the possibility Kyon might drop that card to win her back is ever-present.  At the same time, he must tell her at some point; as long as he thinks her capable of dealing with it, I can see no other sympathetic option.  When and why he tells her are the interesting questions.  I could imagine him trying to win her back with it or telling her after he's realized that it wasn't the main reason they couldn't stay together but something he blamed mistakenly instead, having realized there was something more fundamental standing between them.  That's just a couple of examples.

Regardless, due to the way the rift between Haruhi and Kyon is written to have developed, it's an issue that must be resolved whatever his course.  If he goes after Haruhi with renewed interest, playing the trump is the obvious choice.  If he goes after Asahina, he doesn't have to play it (he may not even want to, to keep Haruhi distant for her own sake), but as I said, I think he almost certainly must at some point.  It's like the regret over not having coming clean to her is as big an issue for this piece as where he's going in the future.  Indeed, I think it may have grown like a tumor to obstruct the growth of anything else organic to the piece.  I'm not sure if that means the reason Haruhi and Kyon didn't get together should be something else--it may be that would just shuffle the problem to, "Well, once Haruhi knows, what does she do, and why would she pursue that life as a rocket scientist?"  So I admit, that may not help at all, and it may well be you already have a good solution to this problem that I simply can't see as yet.

Anyway, I've rambled quite a bit, and I apologize for not saying these things sooner; I thought it best at the time to give the piece room to grow by itself without guessing and jumping to conclusions about how it would do so, but given that it's already at a crossroads, I guess there's no real time like the present.

So, in one paragraph: if this is going for Asahina/Kyon in the end, I feel like Asahina hasn't been shown as a serious enough possiblity in Kyon's mind, this being three chapters in, because it feels like the focus on Haruhi and Kyon's past relationship and present situation is much greater.  In addition, Kyon not having told Haruhi the truth in the past seems like an unavoidable obstacle to any path he chooses, and I feel like that's a logical complication instead of an emotional one; I feel like it might not set the right mood as a result.

These are just my idle thoughts.  As always, it's entirely possible I've missed significantly on what's in play.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 27, 2012, 01:29:11 AMWith the removal of the flashback to Haruhi and Kyon dating and why they stopped, as well as the change to the final scene so that Haruhi doesn't ask Kyon to sleep beside her to soothe her nerves (which I understand may have had to be changed anyway on logical grounds), some focus has been taken off Haruhi, Kyon, and the status of their relationship, and I'm concerned that nothing seems to have moved in to fill that void.

Well, probably.  I was trying to avoid having the exploration of Kyon and Haruhi's relationship not working come across 'like a joke'.


I guess that my plan of addressing it later isn't an option since it ruins the pacing.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 27, 2012, 01:29:11 AMA) Kyon and Asahina are going to get together with Haruhi's encouragement and blessing, and Haruhi and Kyon will put any wounds between them to rest.  The problem I see with this one is that, while Asahina has received more focus and time than Koizumi or Nagato, that focus is much, much less than what's been given to Haruhi and Kyon's past relationship and how that affects their current interaction.  So far, I haven't gotten any kind of feeling from Kyon that he would seriously consider this possibility, lingering feelings for Haruhi aside, and by the same token, I don't know if I've seen enough of anything to suggest Asahina would really allow herself to engage in such a relationship.

That's not to say I don't think it can work; I just feel that in the content written so far, the other characters treat Asahina as a possiblity for Kyon, where Kyon himself has been far too fixated on Haruhi to consider it.  Maybe in future chapters the balance would start to shift; I just feel compelled to point out that I don't think it's even significantly started to tip yet.

It's meant to be more that Kyon doesn't really consider himself in a relationship with anyone at all.  He thinks Mikuru's relationship potential is governered by Time Jerks, and doesn't really even realize he's put himself in a self-imposed stasis where he doesn't get anywhere.

Haruhi does, but isn't sure how to deal with that until she sees Mikuru again.  So, yeah, Kyon _hasn't_ considered it seriously because he's loyal to Haruhi.  Haruhi accepted it because she didn't really see it as problematic until she realized that even if he were happier on the surface than Mikuru, he was 'stuck' in the same sense that Mikuru is.

And even if she doesn't understand how it happened, Haruhi feels somehow responsible so tries to address that in her own way.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 27, 2012, 01:29:11 AMB) Kyon and Haruhi patch things up and, with Kyon able to tell Haruhi the truth, they can have a real relationship after all.

[spoiler]That approach also doesn't factor in what I'm actually going to be working toward -- namely, that Haruhi herself has a subconscious awareness that she's happier not knowing any of that.  In that sense, for this story, a relationship between Kyon and Haruhi never can work because he can't be that close to someone he can't be fully honest with ... and if he tries to explain the truth to Haruhi, she'll cut him off and tell him she's happier not knowing, and trusts him enough that if he keeps secrets, she feels it's got to be for a good reason.

QuoteWell, as above, I'm trying to show that Kyon's kind of 'stuck' and not going anywhere he should be.

Is that just not working at all?  I guess it must not be, if I have to try and step outside the story to support it.... :\

Well, how much of a rewrite does this necessitate?  The entire chapter?  Or should I start over from the prologue, if it's just heading in the wrong direction?

Not really sure, here.

It absolutely gets across that Kyon is stuck.  If I didn't say it before, I'll say it now: the reason I didn't voice this concern before is that I was totally willing to let it all play out and see how everything fit later on.  It's just with all the other concerns flying around and that there might be a time to reexamine things.  Kyon is absolutely stuck, and I as a reader can't see the way out that (I imagine and hope) he's going to find.  But that could all change next chapter, for instance.

Still, I think part of what I'm seeing is something that came up back in chapter one when there were concerns about what the dramatic impetus is, the core question being, is it enough to go with slice-of-life feel that's present so far?  Maybe it is.  I guess that really just comes down to taste.  Anything else really would require a rewrite of some kind back to the first chapter, I think.  So maybe that's what encapsulates my concern for the piece.  To be honest, I've had a hard time just understanding what it is that has nagged at me, let alone figuring out how to describe it.  When I think of it in terms of the way I've phrased it above--slice of live vs. something more tightly constructed--it does just seem like a matter of taste.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 12:07:08 AMKyon is absolutely stuck, and I as a reader can't see the way out that (I imagine and hope) he's going to find.  But that could all change next chapter, for instance.

Well, he can't.  He has to know he's stuck first.

Fortunately for him, Haruhi's able to provide the impetus to get things moving. 

This does create an imbalance -- before, Kyon was able to be the rock that Haruhi leaned on to get her own confidence in the world.  Now it's pretty onesided, and Kyon doesn't have any real strengths other than being a reliable idiot.  Instead of coming across as a concerned friend, he comes across as someone who never entirely got over the relationship with Haruhi that never took off, something I really didn't want to portray.

It seems that my attempts to show them in a friendly situation where they're close but not in a relationship utterly fails, which kind of confounds me, as it's not _that_ different from what Kyon and Nagato had in Later, where evidently it _did_ work.  I'm ... kind of oblivious myself as to why the one is fine, and the other is not.  Looking back at the feedback and trying to sort that one out, I'm kind of left scratching my head. :\

All I can think of is that I spent more text explaining why things were they way they were.

I'm honestly not very satisfied with how the current take on chapter three is, as it now makes Kyon come across as a bit pathetic, without really much in the way of redeeming qualities or strengths.  As it is, what's there for Mikuru (or _anyone_) to actually _like_?

I don't know.  If it's just taste, then it's just taste.  But maybe I really would be better off setting this aside and working on something else?  To be entirely honest, I'd really like to try using an approach like I did for Retrograde, but evidently trying to portray Haruhi and Kyon as close friends and not in a relationship plausibly requires more justification than that structure can provide.

Quote

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 12:07:08 AMKyon is absolutely stuck, and I as a reader can't see the way out that (I imagine and hope) he's going to find.  But that could all change next chapter, for instance.

Well, he can't.  He has to know he's stuck first.

Fortunately for him, Haruhi's able to provide the impetus to get things moving. 

This does create an imbalance -- before, Kyon was able to be the rock that Haruhi leaned on to get her own confidence in the world.  Now it's pretty onesided, and Kyon doesn't have any real strengths other than being a reliable idiot.  Instead of coming across as a concerned friend, he comes across as someone who never entirely got over the relationship with Haruhi that never took off, something I really didn't want to portray.

It seems that my attempts to show them in a friendly situation where they're close but not in a relationship utterly fails, which kind of confounds me, as it's not _that_ different from what Kyon and Nagato had in Later, where evidently it _did_ work.  I'm ... kind of oblivious myself as to why the one is fine, and the other is not.  Looking back at the feedback and trying to sort that one out, I'm kind of left scratching my head. :\

All I can think of is that I spent more text explaining why things were they way they were.

I'm honestly not very satisfied with how the current take on chapter three is, as it now makes Kyon come across as a bit pathetic, without really much in the way of redeeming qualities or strengths.  As it is, what's there for Mikuru (or _anyone_) to actually _like_?

So ... I see that as a flaw, but I have no idea how to fix it.

What occurred to me as a way to fix the dramatic tension was if, just as Haruhi has been trying to set Kyon up here and there, Kyon had been the one to seek out bringing the brigade back together in an effort to cheer up Haruhi, in response to a series of little moments of uncertainty and disquiet like the kind he's been seeing from her in the text as it stands.  It strikes me that something similar to that might help Kyon come across as more balanced.  He's a journalist now, too; maybe something to do with that could help reinforce the idea that, aside from one regret, he's capable adult with goals of his own.

As far as the non-romantic friendship "not working," it's because that relationship has a lot of background and shared experiences and continued interactions that allow it to evolve that I find it so interesting--indeed, I began to feel that that aspect was so compelling it would dwarf everything else (that's part of what I meant when I talked about time spent on Haruhi vs. Asahina, for instance).

But yeah, Kyon comes across as hung up, like you intended...and yet at the same time, it makes him seem a little pathetic and undermines the stability of the friendship he and Haruhi have?  I could see, then, on a systematic level that perhaps a different dynamic would resolve these issues.  Maybe all he needs is a layer or a simple excuse to blame his lack of love life on--too busy with work, too difficult to find a woman who would understand his closeness to Haruhi.

Finally, regarding the flashback passage about Haruhi and Kyon's relationship:  I do think based on sars's comments, there was a logical issue of how the relationship relates to the incident of Nagato gaining her freedom in particular, as opposed to the lots of things that Kyon had kept from Haruhi in general.  I did think the technique used was appropriate, as the text's structure itself reflected how brief the relationship was.  Are more details needed?  Perhaps so, if the reader is looking at this passage with scrutiny and needs to be persuaded that this setup for Kyon and Haruhi could actually happen.  I personally saw it as so integral to the premise that, as long as I could accept it in principle (and I can), it worked for me.

But I think the real question there is whether that flashback is necessary at all.  It probably is depending on how future actions require Kyon to consider his past ones, but it also goes back to Kyon being stuck and whether he's looking back out of regret or trying to look forward and learn from past experience.  I guess there are just a lot of ways to play it.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 09:58:08 AM
What occurred to me as a way to fix the dramatic tension was if, just as Haruhi has been trying to set Kyon up here and there, Kyon had been the one to seek out bringing the brigade back together in an effort to cheer up Haruhi, in response to a series of little moments of uncertainty and disquiet like the kind he's been seeing from her in the text as it stands.  It strikes me that something similar to that might help Kyon come across as more balanced.  He's a journalist now, too; maybe something to do with that could help reinforce the idea that, aside from one regret, he's capable adult with goals of his own.

That ... premise might work, but I feel it takes away too much from my original design.  Maybe that's a more viable and better story.

It's just stopped being the one I wanted to write. :(

It feels like it's true to Haruhi's character to have her do the roundup.  I can't get that feeling when I try and imagine Kyon doing the same thing.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 09:58:08 AMBut yeah, Kyon comes across as hung up, like you intended...and yet at the same time, it makes him seem a little pathetic and undermines the stability of the friendship he and Haruhi have?  I could see, then, on a systematic level that perhaps a different dynamic would resolve these issues.  Maybe all he needs is a layer or a simple excuse to blame his lack of love life on--too busy with work, too difficult to find a woman who would understand his closeness to Haruhi.

I cannot see a way for Kyon to claim to be 'too busy'.  A journalist who keeps going on about how much free time he has?  That's ... really just not plausible to me that he could even try and pretend that was a valid excuse.  Maybe thinking that they wouldn't understand his relationship with Haruhi?

That _may_ be more viable, but no less pathetic.  Kyon not realizing he's stuck (not making excuses because he's oblivious) feels like a way to avoid that, but I guess it doesn't work either.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 09:58:08 AMFinally, regarding the flashback passage about Haruhi and Kyon's relationship:  I do think based on sars's comments, there was a logical issue of how the relationship relates to the incident of Nagato gaining her freedom in particular, as opposed to the lots of things that Kyon had kept from Haruhi in general.

That was not meant to be a particular link, it was just trying to cover that Nagato was separate from the IDSE in the same framework.  It wasn't meant to be some kind of 'capstone' secret -- just another in the pile, but also the last.

Quote from: Muphrid on May 28, 2012, 09:58:08 AMBut I think the real question there is whether that flashback is necessary at all.  It probably is depending on how future actions require Kyon to consider his past ones, but it also goes back to Kyon being stuck and whether he's looking back out of regret or trying to look forward and learn from past experience.  I guess there are just a lot of ways to play it.

The flashback wasn't going to be cut and never referenced again -- it was going to be explored in more detail later.  I thought the premise was very simple, but evidently no one's really willing to accept Haruhi and Kyon as 'just friends' without so much support it overshadows other elements of the story entirely.

QuoteIt seems that my attempts to show them in a friendly situation where they're close but not in a relationship utterly fails, which kind of confounds me, as it's not _that_ different from what Kyon and Nagato had in Later, where evidently it _did_ work.  I'm ... kind of oblivious myself as to why the one is fine, and the other is not.  Looking back at the feedback and trying to sort that one out, I'm kind of left scratching my head.

For what it's worth I think that even for people that haven't kept up with all of the novels that the Haruhi/Kyon pairing holds a lot of weight. Certainly there's a mutual attraction to some degree with all of the girls, but I think that the scenario that you laid out in Later where Kyon is almost sort of a big brother to Nagato works because you can see elements of it there already, even as early as the first few novels. Certainly she's often more powerful then him, but the fact that he tries to help her however he can really lends itself well to that spin.

With Haruhi, there's almost an implicit underpinning of there needing to be something more. I can understand you not wanting to make that the focus, but the spectre of it looms large over any story where they aren't together and where all indications would seem to point to them not being together in the end.

Most of that probably comes off as a rehash, but there is something else that I thought of, although I don't know how well it would work.

Haruhi has always been uncannily perceptive, in this story it's part of the reason that her relationship with Kyon failed, along with the secret that Kyon is keeping from her. I wouldn't find it a stretch to say that Haruhi has realized on some level if not consciously that tension doesn't exist between Kyon and Mikuru, or if it does not to the same extent. Knowing that something vague seems to be holding Mikuru back, I could see Haruhi confronting her -- not in a nasty or aggressive way, but as a concerned friend, which her concern about Nagato not dating could be foreshadowing for -- and telling Mikuru that she's sure that if Mikuru wants to at least try to start a relationship with Kyon that no outside factors will put a stop to that.

The main problem with that is of course unless Kyon is witnessing this that it would almost certainly necessitate another point of view, or a lengthy flashback that might not have the same impact. It is a thought about what to do, though. Perhaps not a great one, but it is a thought.

Quote from: Grahf on May 31, 2012, 12:52:50 AM

QuoteIt seems that my attempts to show them in a friendly situation where they're close but not in a relationship utterly fails, which kind of confounds me, as it's not _that_ different from what Kyon and Nagato had in Later, where evidently it _did_ work.  I'm ... kind of oblivious myself as to why the one is fine, and the other is not.  Looking back at the feedback and trying to sort that one out, I'm kind of left scratching my head.

For what it's worth I think that even for people that haven't kept up with all of the novels that the Haruhi/Kyon pairing holds a lot of weight. Certainly there's a mutual attraction to some degree with all of the girls, but I think that the scenario that you laid out in Later where Kyon is almost sort of a big brother to Nagato works because you can see elements of it there already, even as early as the first few novels. Certainly she's often more powerful then him, but the fact that he tries to help her however he can really lends itself well to that spin.

With Haruhi, there's almost an implicit underpinning of there needing to be something more. I can understand you not wanting to make that the focus, but the spectre of it looms large over any story where they aren't together and where all indications would seem to point to them not being together in the end.

Well, I don't have any control over what other people see, but it's just as easy to imagine romance between Kyon and any of the girls -- or only friendship instead -- for me.  Certainly, on occasion Kyon treats Haruhi the same way he would a sister, and while he does sometimes have moments that may go further, the one he's (at least overtly) most interested in romance with is Mikuru.  (Yes, it's ostensibly just posturing, but that's what's written.)  Not to sidetrack this into character debate--

I'm thinking I'm actually trying to fight the fanon perceptions here, rather than genuine canon.  So, yeah -- I even personally tend to ship Kyon/Haruhi, though I to me the friendship between the two of them is just as important (if not moreso), but I think my stories speak for that point well enough. :x

So I wanted to portray them as together as friends -- almost like brother and sister, close, but not romantic.  This garnered almost immediate objecting from Sars (and undoubtedly anyone else like-minded, which would be most people -- she's not being singled out here for making an observation; I can see that viewpoint, and just wish there were a way to sidestep or work around the issue, but I can't figure one out), that it was underexplored.  Basically: "More time and text must be spent to justify them not being in a romance."

Quote from: Grahf on May 31, 2012, 12:52:50 AMHaruhi has always been uncannily perceptive, in this story it's part of the reason that her relationship with Kyon failed, along with the secret that Kyon is keeping from her. I wouldn't find it a stretch to say that Haruhi has realized on some level if not consciously that tension doesn't exist between Kyon and Mikuru, or if it does not to the same extent. Knowing that something vague seems to be holding Mikuru back, I could see Haruhi confronting her -- not in a nasty or aggressive way, but as a concerned friend, which her concern about Nagato not dating could be foreshadowing for -- and telling Mikuru that she's sure that if Mikuru wants to at least try to start a relationship with Kyon that no outside factors will put a stop to that.

The main problem with that is of course unless Kyon is witnessing this that it would almost certainly necessitate another point of view, or a lengthy flashback that might not have the same impact. It is a thought about what to do, though. Perhaps not a great one, but it is a thought.

The idea of Haruhi peripherally being aware of that is in my outlines, and part of the story I do want to write.  And also giving her rough blessing, helping thwarting any 'jerk timetravelers' that try to interfere, too--  The angle I was planning on is [spoiler] Kyon being stressed out because he cares about Haruhi as a friend too much to 'use' Haruhi for his (and Mikuru's) benefit like that, but also doesn't want to make Mikuru have to deal with a (not yet introduced) source of tension--

Then Kyon could come to grips with the 'never told Haruhi the truth' angle, determine that she deserves to know, but he can't try and ask her for help selfishly, and Haruhi could demonstrate her intuition and character growth by telling Kyon she doesn't want to know before he can get started, but that she's on his side (and Mikuru's) no matter what -- just like always (and then soft-focus lens, Kyon/Mikuru kiss scene, iris out, soft-pop outro, roll credits).

Kyon and Mikuru getting together, but the story of Haruhi and Kyon getting closure on their situation and moving past it.  Because they hadn't yet.

Quote-- her beating my score by eighty points --

Reads a shade awkward to me.

One thing I did notice is that when Koizumi leaves he shakes hands with Yuki, bows for Mikuru, and gets a hug from Haruhi. I know that he brings up the talk of the old games him and Kyon used to play, but not doing anything formal for the departure seems out of place for someone like Itsuki.

Quote"Yeah, but he's lazy because he'd not going to look for new article opportunities;

I think the "he'd" is out of place here.

This chapter was a bit of a slow burn. Probably in preparation for the next chapter I'm guessing. Still, it was nice to see Koizumi being genuinely concerned about the well-being of Kyon and Haruhi.

I was a little surprised that Haruhi was so accepting of the fact that the relationship she had with Kyon didn't seem to be working. You allude to the idea that she doesn't push forward past that kiss because ultimately she doesn't want to lose their friendship, but I can't help but feel that she'd still be more bothered by it, at least for a little while. That's the nature of the flashback though. I did think that everything else in the flashback was handled quite well, including the both of them admitting that it wasn't working out. With Kyon's personality it makes sense to me that he wouldn't try to argue, especially with the guilt he's already feeling. Hopefully he'll learn to take his own advice, since he does mention that one doesn't have to be responsible to feel responsible. I would call his position many things, but in this case enviable isn't one of them.

Quote from: Grahf on October 21, 2012, 03:25:50 AM

Quote-- her beating my score by eighty points --

Reads a shade awkward to me.

Hmm....  How about:

Quote from: revisionAfter that, when we tested for admission together and passed she mentioned that moving to a college town would be more expensive.  As she said, turning to me while we walked away from the posted scores (hers was eighty points higher than mine):

Quote from: Grahf on October 21, 2012, 03:25:50 AMOne thing I did notice is that when Koizumi leaves he shakes hands with Yuki, bows for Mikuru, and gets a hug from Haruhi. I know that he brings up the talk of the old games him and Kyon used to play, but not doing anything formal for the departure seems out of place for someone like Itsuki.

Hmm, not the angle I was going for there.  His farewell to Kyon is supposed to be more positive, instead being the reminder that Kyon is welcome to call Koizumi at any time to talk.  I'll add a reminder to that, and have Koizumi actually exchange cards with Kyon.

Quote from: Grahf on October 21, 2012, 03:25:50 AM

Quote"Yeah, but he's lazy because he'd not going to look for new article opportunities;

I think the "he'd" is out of place here.

Should be "he's".

Quote from: Grahf on October 21, 2012, 03:25:50 AMThis chapter was a bit of a slow burn. Probably in preparation for the next chapter I'm guessing. Still, it was nice to see Koizumi being genuinely concerned about the well-being of Kyon and Haruhi.

Hmm.  It didn't feel particularly slower than other chapters, I thought.  I wonder if I lost an element of tone....

Quote from: Grahf on October 21, 2012, 03:25:50 AMI was a little surprised that Haruhi was so accepting of the fact that the relationship she had with Kyon didn't seem to be working. You allude to the idea that she doesn't push forward past that kiss because ultimately she doesn't want to lose their friendship, but I can't help but feel that she'd still be more bothered by it, at least for a little while. That's the nature of the flashback though. I did think that everything else in the flashback was handled quite well, including the both of them admitting that it wasn't working out. With Kyon's personality it makes sense to me that he wouldn't try to argue, especially with the guilt he's already feeling. Hopefully he'll learn to take his own advice, since he does mention that one doesn't have to be responsible to feel responsible. I would call his position many things, but in this case enviable isn't one of them.

Okay.  I will make a note that Haruhi's side of events after the attempted dating thing needs to be brought onscreen somehow.