[Haruhi] Precious Moments

[Brian]

I was aiming for WAFF.

And something shorter.

I failed on both counts.  So, here's the prologue and first chapter of something I hope to at least end WAFF-ily.

Edit: Updated prologue and chapter one.
Edit1: Updated prologue and chapter one.  Again. >_>
Edit3: Updated prologue through chapter three.  The old ones are floating in the thread; these are the most recent.

[JonBob]

Prolouge

Spoiler: ShowHide

I really enjoyed the intro with Kyon's dialog on sleep. It amused me a lot. That was quickly followed by surprise at Haruhi waking him up? A little bit of background, and then the finisher: they aren't actually dating. Intriguing.

Ch 1

Spoiler: ShowHide

First big reveal, imo, is that Kyon is still keeping Haruhi in the dark about her powers. A bit more about Kyon. For some reason I find this extra funny "I don't find her face-down, collapsed on her bed and dressed for work with Shamisen curled up on her back this time"

Film cameras really are becoming rate for photography these days -> rare

I've got enough rolls cached away in the apartment that I don't need to worry about that -> cached or stashed?

I'm not sure why Kyon keeps mentioning Taniguchi and Kunikida if Haruhi's already mentioned the college name and he knows it's an all-women's college. And.... Mikuru! Cheerful(ish) reunion! Though the lack of Kyon comparing her to her high school or older version is a tad odd.

Well, that's certainly interesting; this is a psuedo-sequel to Hot Air?

Clever reason for botany, wanting the information available for the future. I like how Haruhi commandeers Mikuru for a vacation.

It is a bit of a surprise that Yuki is so verbose in e-mail, but it might be due to being a less lossy communication medium.

The waitress at the noodle house that Kyon and Mikuru are at seems like she's going to be more important than she ends up being (though the "You'd better take good care of Asahina-sensei" part was amusing).

"Well, maybe I shouldn't say, in case that happened yet." Is there a "hasn't" missing somewhere?

Poor Mikuru, being stuck her and only informed of it after 10 years. I'm not sure why she would still be forbidden/discouraged from having relationships in this time if she stays here.

"Thinking about them, though, they're somewhere in a box-- Unless Haruhi pulled them our recently" -> pulled them out

It's interesting that Haruhi easily acknowledges that Koizumi and Mikuru both tell Kyon things but not her.

"It should be good to catch up with him, too," -> "It would be good..."?

"Nagato smoothly reads the action as Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world." So, Yuki grabbed that cat? But then later it seems like Haruhi is holding the cat at the door.

"I am sadly, not gainfully employed at the moment." Comma before the "sadly"?

"I have the strange impression of her combining a machine gun and a dictionary, firing out words faster than I can parse them." Lol. Also, the game sounds familiar...

"After that, like Suzumiya-san and Kyon-kun, I myself am engaged, too." Awkward. Also, how can you be engaged after something?

"And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions." Something's missing.

"When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie." The last phrase makes me stop and parse it out to figure out what's going on. 

[Muphrid]

I prefer to think of myself as a connoisseur of rest.  I value each precious moment, and begrudge that obnoxious and constant thermonuclear explosion in the sky for telling my physiology that there's a time it has to end.  Truly, nature, why did you stop at us needing only eight hours of rest?

Not sure if you'd rather leave this as is or cut the comma at "and begrudge..." that makes this grammatically unusual.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to use your sister's tricks for getting you up!"

The "get up...getting up" repetition could be replaced.

(Chapter 1)

With nothing better to do, I finally deal with the dishes I'd been ignoring and turn my attention to the story I've been poking at for a while.  Haruhi suggested I should try and write something original, and I don't take it seriously enough to aim for publishing -- but it does help keep my writing skills sharp, which is helpful for the articles I intend to sell.  The story is tentatively titled 'Escape from the School' and would be a light novel at best.

For those playing at home, this is a subtle Tanigawa reference.

From there, I leave the apartment and stroll over to the the photography supply store a few blocks away.  The front is filled with all the latest digital cameras and components, and the clerk looks up when I enter, nodding in recognition.  I step past the first counter wordlessly, to the back half of the show floor.

"The the"

"Well, so did we," Haruhi agrees, shifting her shoulders and staring at her plate in consternation.  "But 'friends' worked out better."  For a heartbeat she looks about to say something else, then shakes her head.  "Anyway--  Asahina-san, it's your turn to say what you've been up to!"

Mikuru-chan.

"Hey, another PhD in the group?" Haruhi laughs.  "Yeah--  I bet Nagato and Kyon could have gone that route, if they weren't happier doing other stuff--  Mikuru-chan's got one, too!"

Yuki, most likely.

"Ah," she manages, still holding Shamisen in one hand.  He squirms, but she's wise to his ways.  "Ah--  Come in!  Wow, Koizumi, you look really good!  So that suit -- you're some kind of bigwig, eh?  As hard as you already worked, you're a CEO or something, right?"

Koizumi-kun...possibly.  I can see some leeway given that this is their first meeting in some time.

The location of the system that started off first was atmospheric recycling; an oxygen line ruptured and was caught off by a spark.  From there, almost instantly, the reaction made its way into and ruptured the stage two fuel tank, igniting it prematurely.

I'm not certain about this usage: "caught off"?  Is that what you intended?  The phrase seems unusual to me.

We break for a  bit while we order.  Haruhi goes for the katsudon donburi, while I decide to try their terriyaki salmon.  Asahina-san dithers for a moment, and then echoes Haruhi's decision.  Once the server confirms our orders and leaves, I break in and ask, "Other than working on your doctorate and ... well, work, what have you been up to?"

Teriyaki, I think.

"Even though we gave it a shot, it ... never felt quite ... right to be dating.  I think on some level, she could tell there were things from our past I kept hidden from her, and that was a major strike against us.  It made her a little bit suspicious, and I felt ... like I was keeping a secret from her.  Both of which were actually true," I sigh.  "Beyond that, well...."

"We both agreed to cut it off before it had a chance to get ... too serious," I say with a shrug.  "I mean, we did kind of jump the gun and agree to live together sooner than we probably should have--  Now we can disagree peacefully, but we had a couple of arguments when we were trying the dating thing that....

Contiuing dialogue across paragraphs, kill the closing quotation mark thingy.

Mustering further resolve, she adds, "S...so, I have to stay behind because of the principal of classified--"  She bites off a tiny, muted, "Darn," which is about the worst curse I can imagine her speaking.  "I have to stay here."

Principle.

It doesn't take long to clear the table.  When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie.

I'm not sure I understand what the last part "so settle..." is supposd to mean.


A couple things:  I paid a lot of attention to Kyon's explanation why things didn't work out romantically with Haruhi.  He doesn't go into why he felt it was better to keep those secrets rather than reveal them.  From his perspective, that's all in the past, so it seems reasonable that he wouldn't want to revisit it in too much detail, but it feels like there's an opening there, a corner piece of the puzzle waiting to be filled.  I don't think it needs to be filled right away; it could come into play later on, or it could be entirely ignored...if things don't circle back around for Kyon to reexamine that decision.

Second part: why Asahina had to stay.  I guess this is something that can't really be judged as long as Asahina is incapable of articulating the reasons.

I get the feeling that Haruhi is trying to play matchmaker for a Kyon/Asahina relationship.  And Kyon seems at least tacitly aware of this?  He doesn't seem surprised when Haruhi is at their apartment by the time he returns.  Maybe that's just the way the timing worked, though.

Overall, once again I find the detail put into this possible future very impressive, on par with "Later," certainly.

[Brian]

Prolouge
[...]

Cool; I tend to really veer from Kyon's voice properly, so tried to capture it a bit better at the beginning.  I don't know if I can maintain it, but we'll see. <_<;;

Spoiler: ShowHide

First big reveal, imo, is that Kyon is still keeping Haruhi in the dark about her powers. A bit more about Kyon. For some reason I find this extra funny "I don't find her face-down, collapsed on her bed and dressed for work with Shamisen curled up on her back this time"

Trying to show that it's not just Haruhi taking care of Kyon, but that they're both functional -- and he looks out for her, too.  Glad that worked. :)

Film cameras really are becoming rate for photography these days -> rare

Ack; made a bunch of mistakes like this one. :x

If I don't reply to a correction, it's because I used it.

I've got enough rolls cached away in the apartment that I don't need to worry about that -> cached or stashed?

Either should work, I believe.

I'm not sure why Kyon keeps mentioning Taniguchi and Kunikida if Haruhi's already mentioned the college name and he knows it's an all-women's college. And.... Mikuru! Cheerful(ish) reunion! Though the lack of Kyon comparing her to her high school or older version is a tad odd.

...huh.  I don't see them being brought up repeatedly.  Twice in the entire chapter, and the second instance is Kyon noting they've been ruled out specifically because of the women's college thing.

Well, that's certainly interesting; this is a psuedo-sequel to Hot Air?

Kind of.  One possible future.  Not the only one.

Kyon: "I _told_ you she could fly that balloon to the moon if she wanted to. -_-"

Poor Mikuru, being stuck her and only informed of it after 10 years. I'm not sure why she would still be forbidden/discouraged from having relationships in this time if she stays here.

Kyon: "Because all of the other time travelers are jerks!"

"It should be good to catch up with him, too," -> "It would be good..."?

I think this one is okay....  Probably.  If anyone else trips over it, will revise.

"Nagato smoothly reads the action as Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world." So, Yuki grabbed that cat? But then later it seems like Haruhi is holding the cat at the door.

Oops.  No, Yuki just watches.  I'll revise.

Nagato smoothly reads the action of what happens next from the comfort of her seat.  Haruhi pops to her feet, catching our wayward cat before he can attempt to achieve escape velocity and hurtle into the outer world in a fluid, practiced motion; to Shamisen, this is just another old game.

     Even if you were a stray when we found you, apartment life has made you softer, Shamisen.  I don't think you'd enjoy it much out there.

"After that, like Suzumiya-san and Kyon-kun, I myself am engaged, too." Awkward. Also, how can you be engaged after something?

"And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions." Something's missing.

...as best as I _can_ explain this.  "After ... Nagasaki, Haruhi realized that it wasn't enough to make something useful like a new, cheap fuel.  And in fact, irresponsibility and poor design decisions could arise more easily because of the reduced costs -- if money can be saved on _fuel_, where else can they save on expenses?

     "From that point on, as you know, she's dedicated herself to keeping the space industry alive.  A major factor in that is reminding people that just because _fuel_ is cheap now, other elements -- especially those important for safety -- cannot be ignored."

"When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie." The last phrase makes me stop and parse it out to figure out what's going on.

Ah, yeah.

It doesn't take long to clear the table.  When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in next to her.  Judging by the screen, we're not long into the movie anyway -- the introduction has just concluded.

Hmm, that was much rougher than I thought it was. >.>;;

I'll probably take these (and Muphrid's comments) and try to have an updated revision tonight.  Thanks for the feedback! :D

[Brian]

I prefer to think of myself as a connoisseur of rest.  I value each precious moment, and begrudge that obnoxious and constant thermonuclear explosion in the sky for telling my physiology that there's a time it has to end.  Truly, nature, why did you stop at us needing only eight hours of rest?

Not sure if you'd rather leave this as is or cut the comma at "and begrudge..." that makes this grammatically unusual.

Hmmm.  I tend to overuse commas; it can probably go.  As always, if I don't respond to a comment it's because I'm using it.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to use your sister's tricks for getting you up!"

The "get up...getting up" repetition could be replaced.

"If you don't get out of bed, I'm going to use one of your sister's tricks to do it!"

"The the"

D'oh!

Mikuru-chan.

Thanks for catching these; the dangers of writing so many stories concurrently. -_-

Yuki, most likely.

Yep.

Koizumi-kun...possibly.  I can see some leeway given that this is their first meeting in some time.

Actually, she just saw him yesterday, so I dropped the ball on that one.

"Ah," she manages, still holding Shamisen in one hand.  He squirms, but she's wise to his ways.  "Ah--  Come in!  Wow, Koizumi-kun, you look really good!  You weren't dressed half so nicely before!  So that suit -- you're some kind of bigwig, eh?  As hard as you already worked, you're a CEO or something, right?"

     Stepping in, Koizumi gives a tiny shake of his head.  "No, I'm working on my thesis, pursuing a doctorate in psychology," he explains.  "So yesterday was the close of a very long study session, and I wasn't at my best.  I am, sadly, not gainfully employed at the moment."

I'm not certain about this usage: "caught off"?  Is that what you intended?  The phrase seems unusual to me.

'Set' off?

Teriyaki, I think.

Oh, man.  I just lost my custom dictionary and added the wrong spelling at home.

....

Well, it'll be fine.  I'll suffer another inexplicable custom dictionary erasure shortly, judging by history.

It doesn't take long to clear the table.  When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in not long into the movie.

I'm not sure I understand what the last part "so settle..." is supposd to mean.

Yeah, that was messy.

It doesn't take long to clear the table.  When I return, I see that I'll be sharing the love-seat with Haruhi, so settle in next to her.  Judging by the screen, we're not long into the movie anyway -- the introduction has just concluded.

A couple things:  I paid a lot of attention to Kyon's explanation why things didn't work out romantically with Haruhi.  He doesn't go into why he felt it was better to keep those secrets rather than reveal them.  From his perspective, that's all in the past, so it seems reasonable that he wouldn't want to revisit it in too much detail, but it feels like there's an opening there, a corner piece of the puzzle waiting to be filled.  I don't think it needs to be filled right away; it could come into play later on, or it could be entirely ignored...if things don't circle back around for Kyon to reexamine that decision.

Yeah, planning on giving that more attention in the future.

Second part: why Asahina had to stay.  I guess this is something that can't really be judged as long as Asahina is incapable of articulating the reasons.

It's actually based on a comment she makes in novel 11 (or kind of, Fujiwara; the dialog there was atrotiously unmarked.  I read through it a dozen times, and it's still really, really difficult to tell who's speaking at some points. -_-) where it's implied that this will actually happen -- she stays in the past to fix some sort of issue.

Considering Mikuru's words to Kyon when she visits him in Melancholy, that's got Unfortunate Implications writ all over it. >_<

I get the feeling that Haruhi is trying to play matchmaker for a Kyon/Asahina relationship.  And Kyon seems at least tacitly aware of this?  He doesn't seem surprised when Haruhi is at their apartment by the time he returns.  Maybe that's just the way the timing worked, though.

Not what I was aiming for, here, but I can see how it came across that way.

Hum.  I'll have to see about toning it back a bit.

Overall, once again I find the detail put into this possible future very impressive, on par with "Later," certainly.

I was trying to aim for something between Later and depellebar -- only without being so much of a downer. <_<;;

Thanks for the feedback. :D

[thepanda]

We break for a bit while we order. Haruhi goes for the katsudon donburi, while I decide to try their terriyaki salmon. Asahina-san dithers for a moment, and then echoes Haruhi's decision. Once the server confirms our orders and leaves, I break in and ask, "Other than working on your doctorate and ... well, work, what have you been up to?"

"N...not much," Asahina-san admits somewhat morosely. "Um, work has been very demanding."

"What?" Haruhi yelps, frowning. "Hey, come on ... they're talking about giving me one, and I've put less effort into it than you!"

I assume that 'one' Haruhi is talking about is a break/vacation?

[Brian]

Er, no, a PhD. >_>;;

I'll clarify. :p

Edit: Updated prologue/chapter one in the first post.

[sarsaparilla]

The prologue is very short and doesn't seem to establish any particular premise other than Kyon and Haruhi living together despite being 'just friends'. There are minor references to past events, but nothing that clearly foreshadows future events, which makes one suspect that the intended literary device might be retrospection as in 'Later'. However, the prologue lacks any outstanding issues that would introduce tension to the story, if the relationship between Kyon and Haruhi is not considered, and because of that it reads more like a vignette than a story. The stated original intention of writing something shorter and WAFFier is probably a contributing factor.

Kyon's voice is extremely well captured in the prologue. It is immediately recognizable and his musings are typical of him and very enjoyable.

The first half of the first chapter is also moving very slowly, again making some references to past events but not elaborating on them any further. Here it appears to me that Kyon's voice feels more 'generic' because he concentrates on describing actions, as opposed to issues, in a rather objective manner, without sharing too many opinions on them.

The discussion between Kyon and Asahina, about halfway through the chapter, is the first point where a potential source of tension is introduced, although how it will eventually play out is still unclear. The second interesting passage is when the former brigade members get together and share some things from the past. Again, although it is not clear how the revealed details are related to the larger picture, the sheer amount of details and backstory is impressive, making the story believable and giving a tangible sense of passage of time.

The overall atmosphere of the story is ... subdued, perhaps a bit more solemn and contemplative than usual. At the moment Nagato's status would appear to be the least obvious. I wonder what her respective story is, and whether there are other events of great significance in the past beyond that rocket experiment.

[Brian]

Hmm....

My takeaway here is that you found it a bit slow, but still interesting?  It sounds like I need to add some vibrancy and more 'Kyon-like' thoughts to the first half of chapter one, as well -- I suspected I would slip on that front, and it appears that focusing on action distracts me from giving that adequate detail -- thanks for catching that.  Okay, I will shore that up.

On dramatic tension, hum....

I had hoped to instill a sense of lingering melancholy in both Kyon and Haruhi beneath the seeming content atmosphere.  I may not have conveyed that well; that's what everything before Mikuru's re-introduction is intended to accomplish (so if that's too understated, I can see why it feels so slow).  I'll have to think about how to make that more visible without overdoing it, or emphasizing Haruhi's discontent with her and Kyon being single (because then it feels too much like Haruhi is trying to set Kyon up with Mikuru, which it shouldn't, here).

Suggestions?

[Brian]

Hmm.  Well, I've revised it a little bit, but I'm not sure how far to go....  I'll leave chapter one as it is for the mostpart and come back to it later.

It was a bit long for a multi-chapter story, so I also ended chapter one before the flashback, and that's how I'll start chapter two, now.  I won't post an update until chapter two's ready, since it'd otherwise be losing content.

[Brian]

In redoing the pacing, this chapter is going to retread a bit; chapter one has been revised to be a bit shorter accordingly.

It's still a very slow story.  Not sure much can be done about that.

[Grahf]

Spoiler: ShowHide

It brought a smile to my face to read that Mikuru is still the World's Lightweight Champion when it comes to getting buzzed on a dime.

Only catch I made:

In that measure of things, Asahina-san hasn't changed at all. I want to think that it's cute, but instead I feel annoyance with myself; it had seemed like a harmless desert idea.

"desert" missing the extra s I believe.


You'll have to humour me for a moment:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Even though I know that it's extremely unlikely to be the case, for some reason the more Koizumi talks about his fiancee the more I think it's Sasaki. Of course if that was actually the case then I'd suspect that he'd either be trying to hide the fact he was engaged at all, or just come clean with it. I'm mostly a silly idea that popped into my head, but one that I just can't seem to shake.

[Brian]

Ah, thanks for that catch, Grahf.

As to the spoiler bit ...

Spoiler: ShowHide

I like that character a bit too much to do that for her.  Admittedly, I'm biased against it because of how Perkele handled it in his The Dream of..., but, yeah. >_>;

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[JonBob]

Overall, a nice building up chapter. We get a lot of Mikuru time, which is a definite sign of Haruhi trying to push the two of them together. I just wonder *how* they keep on getting pushed together, is it intentional or incidental?

Question/Speculation

Spoiler: ShowHide

Honestly, the first person that came to mind for the engagement was Tsuruya

[Brian]

That strikes me as much more plausible.