Quote from: kbdh54transition to another quasi-reality didn't much shake him anymore,
This does scan a little awkwardly; I'd just change 'shake' to 'rattle' though, should be fine that way.
Quote from: kbdh54more strongly with how things were shaping up
Slightly awkward here; I'd suggest either 'at how things were shaping up' or 'with the way things were etc.'
Quote from: kbdh54"Did it ... hurt?"
"Not as much as the first time," she groaned
You are a terrible person. =)
Quote from: kbdh54While she had hoped to try and patch things up
Grammatically, 'try
and <do something else>' is almost never correct - it's almost certainly going to be 'to' rather than 'and'.
Quote from: kbdh54if he'd resorted to _that_ without fail?
'without fail' seems a little odd here; maybe 'without hesitation' instead? I think she's mostly depressed since he jumped straight to that; 'without fail' seems to imply that he's had to do this repeatedly because of her - i.e., "every time I bungle things, Kyon has to put Haruhi in safe mode without fail".
Quote from: kbdh54but I think it's up to the two of us to try and help keep things fair....
I like that Haruhi's willing and able to recognize that Tsuruya's just as capable of being a good leader as she is - and that the others are going to look to her as well.
Quote from: kbdh54Haruhi leaned forward and kiss Tsuruya just as deeply as she'd kissed Kyon before.
Approval of the scene overall, but the one thing that bugs me a little is the lack of apparent surprise on Tsuruya's part. I don't see her being hesitant or unwilling, but not showing that feels a little off.
Also, I fail. Didn't see it until I was reviewing the post, but tense on 'kiss Tsuruya'.
Quote from: kbdh54I saw it, but she's so small she's, er, lacking for confidence.
Kanae: *eyes Mikuru jealously*
Quote from: kbdh54And, anyway, they were Haruhi's friends, right?
This didn't really hit me until I got to the end of the scene (and we were having a related discussion on IRC), but with this scene being Yanagimoto PoV, shouldn't this be Suzumiya throughout in the narration as well? She's definitely using it for Haruhi in dialogue, but I'm not sure which way this should be going in the narration.
Quote from: kbdh54hadn't Taniguchi mentioned a few strange things happening during the filming of Haruhi's movie?
Not a bad direction to go, but ending the scene on this seems a little abrupt. Maybe include some kind of action she intends to take since she's remembered that tidbit (like grilling Taniguchi further)?
Quote from: kbdh54double-arm-full of
Should just be 'double armful', I think - no need for the hyphens.
Quote from: kbdh54then his day have improved
Rather awkward here. Maybe "then his day would have been [considerably] improved" etc. ?
Quote from: kbdh54He would absolutely achieve greatness!
It didn't go quite as smoothly as he'd hoped, though. It was easy to imagine in his starting days that all he needed to do was achieve some measure of success within the Sumiyoshi-rengo. As time wore on and he became more aware of the enemies of the Sumiyoshi-rengo, he found himself achieving some measure of advancement anyway.
Repetition of "achieve" three times here. Maybe "attain" for the second and "gaining" for the third? Might want to rework a bit though, since it also repeats the "measure of X" phrase as well.
Quote from: kbdh54price fixing schemes
I'd use 'price-fixing', but I'd call this one optional -- can work either way.
Quote from: kbdh54He didn't have the head to handle money laundering, but he was able to handle himself in a fight,
Repetition of "handle". Maybe "conduct" for the second?
Quote from: kbdh54and he didn't back down to anyone who wasn't a superior
back down from*
Quote from: kbdh54Somehow, he hadn't realized that leaving with such a limited education
Think there's a 'school' missing after leaving. Kind of harps on the education thing, though, so I could see replacing 'education' with 'skillset' if you add school in.
Quote from: kbdh54the best he could improvising on the field
This seems like it should be "in the field" to me? Could see it being "on" though (as in "on the field of battle"), so your call here.
Quote from: kbdh54and an average man, if an ambitious one, would claim victory over him
I'd offset the phrase here with em-dashes rather than commas.
Quote from: kbdh54And he'd double and tripled checked photographs;
And he'd double- and triple-checked photographs
Quote from: kbdh54this was the same boy as the picture
Repetition of 'boy' from a bit earlier in the paragraph; maybe 'student'?
Quote from: kbdh54not too far off the boy's typical route home. Then he'd marched out into the path that 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon (he _was_ just a boy, right?) was walking and raised a hand, calling gruffly, "Boy!"
I understand a lot of this is here to play up how badly Taro is underestimating Kyon, but it does mean a lot of repetition.
Quote from: kbdh54Maybe his _own_ luck was shifting!
Absolutely it is! Just not at all in the direction he thinks. =D
Quote from: kbdh54"So, this is the 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon?"
This seems to be either an extra 'the' or a missing adjective (or set of italics).
Quote from: kbdh54the meaning of crossing the Sumiyoshi-rengo, Boy?
Boy shouldn't really be capitalized here.
Quote from: kbdh54grumbling _just_ barely enough for Taro to hear
"barely enough" seems a bit shy by itself; maybe "loudly enough" or "barely loud enough".
Quote from: kbdh54but I'm all stressed out and want--
Might just be me, but having him literally say "I'm all stressed out" seems a bit off. Definitely see him expressing the sentiment, just not in those words; perhaps "I'm really tired of dealing with this kind of thing" or "I've had more than enough of having to deal with these guys", etc.?
Quote from: kbdh54faked a weak cough to try and get
'to try and' again.
Quote from: kbdh54how do you want to do this, one at a time
I'd replace the em-dash here with a comma.
Quote from: kbdh54she told her security attachment in advance
Detachment.
Quote from: kbdh54And, was it her imagination
Don't need this comma.
Quote from: kbdh54girl she had admired in middle school
Should be elementary (or grade) school, I think, since she and Kyon went to the same middle school (and not Haruhi's, obviously).
Quote from: kbdh54I'll let you attend your class for now
Seems a little stiff for Haruhi - maybe "get to your class" instead?
Quote from: kbdh54That wonderful, wasn't it?
Missing something here, but I'll leave this one to you to sort out.
Quote from: kbdh54Then he'd evidently had enough of warming up.
Scans a little awkwardly; I'd suggest "That had evidently been enough to get him warmed up" or "Then he'd evidently had enough time to get warmed up".
Quote from: kbdh54or by the simple matter of flinging other assailants like projectile weapons
Straight-out suggestion here; works as is, but I'd suggest 'by the simple expedient of'.
Quote from: kbdh54Her self-appointed older-sister reminded her
Shouldn't be a hyphen in older sister.
Quote from: kbdh54Well, she knew her self-appointed 'big sister'
Repeats almost the same phrase just a couple of sentences later; maybe use 'her chief in mascot services', since even in the Brigade she sort of reports to Mikuru?
Quote from: kbdh54You sent your guard away, yesterday?
Vestigial comma.
Quote from: kbdh54Evidently there's a yattai up the street
Saw this get pointed out, had a look into it. The Japanese is 屋台(やたい), which would be romanized as 'yatai' in both major systems. (For comparison, 'yattai' would be やったい in Japanese.)
Quote from: kbdh54Haruhi fished her phone from her pocket and offered it out
'offered it out' seems a bit odd; maybe just 'offered it to her'?
Quote from: kbdh54"Let's not rush too hard,"
'hard' doesn't seem like a good word here; maybe 'much' or 'quickly' instead?
Quote from: kbdh54even less of a threat than she'd expected, bumbling his way along
Would replace the comma with an em-dash here too.
Quote from: kbdh54slapping the other link of the handcuff
I'd say 'bracelet' rather than 'link' here.
Quote from: kbdh54around Haruhi's wrist. Sasaki's right hand, and Haruhi's left.
Second sentence here is a fragment, and if you're replacing 'link' a few words back, you could just bridge the two with that:
Quote from: suggestionaround Haruhi's wrist -- linking Sasaki's right hand with Haruhi's left.