[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 54

[Brian]

Not 100% on this title. >_>;

Kind of rough, especially toward the end, but in form for feedback. :x

Edit: Stupid dropbox errors.

[Specular]

Is this the right file?

[Brian]

Hmmmm.

Nope.  Looks like the parser choked.

* Brian goes to fix.

Okay, wow. 

Spoiler: ShowHide

Looks like it grabbed a backup from when I had just pasted the notes in, and then had a syncing error.  It managed to grab an old copy and still not update itself before uploading the new html.  How bizzare. :\

My notes keep getting leaked out....  So much for suspense. -_-

I think it's an issue with Dropbox not checking for updates after the UBUNTU system comes out of hibernation.  Nope ... just with this one file.  What the hell?  >_<

So evidently it somehow has a blind spot for files that were edited during the hibernation window, but catches up on files outside of that.  How ... helpful -_-

Fixed now. :x

[JonBob]

Quick C&C before sleep:

If you think you're an exception, but this book down and read something else!

"...put this book..."

wondering where things were going as they were lead to the couch.

"led to the couch"

"At least I won't be going there alone...."

Hilarious

And the ending, it seems fairly Haruhi-like, if not a little more patient than we might expect from her before.

EDIT: Followup on another read through:

sudden transition to another quasi-reality didn't much shake him anymore

didn't shake him much anymore

Somewhere in the conversation between Kyon, Haruhi, and Tsuruya, the perspective switches, well, not quite from first to third, but it starts to feel odd. Maybe it starts off in Tsuruya's head and then leaves and then comes back?

"I think this is a feint. Akira-kun, I want all of the men gathered here -- including my normal watchers -- and immediately reinforce the guard on Sasaki

The "and immediately" feels off. Like, the base sentence becomes "I want all the men gathered here and immediately reinforce..."

but what he hadn't considered was that some of his competitors to rise high in the Sumiyoshi-rengo world had studied after finishing middle school

"...some of his competitors to rising high in the Sumiyoshi-..."

Well, that luck was going to win out,

the luck is going to win, or the luck is going to run out?

I was kind of hoping that the two of us could work in it together."

in the investigation or on the investigation? Either way could work, but i'm used to the latter.

I'm pretty amused by the sudden shift of Taro from Sumiyoshi-rengo to dockworker, mostly in how matter-of-fact it is. And the retention of ambition as well.

Sasaki muttered an irritated, "Oh ... not again,"

Ahaha!

[Guenther]

Nice chapter. I can only offer some nitpicks, but that's better than nothing, right?

Yura drew nearer the pair, asking,

Yura hasn't been mentioned in this story before and could benefit from an introduction. "One of them, a boy/girl named Yura" or something perhaps.

Well, that luck was going to win out, and an average man, if an ambitious one, would claim victory over him!

"run out" instead of "win out"?

bruises as dislocations

"and" instead of "as"?

[Brian]

If you think you're an exception, but this book down and read something else!

"...put this book..."

So many typos....

And the ending, it seems fairly Haruhi-like, if not a little more patient than we might expect from her before.

Aces!  Haruhi's probably holding herself in check really well, but that's mostly a combination of confidence that she can get out of the situation, and concern for working around Sasaki's nullifying effect.  As long as it's within plausibility....  >_>;

sudden transition to another quasi-reality didn't much shake him anymore

didn't shake him much anymore

I think this one is okay.  If someone else comments that it scans awkwardly, I will revise.

Somewhere in the conversation between Kyon, Haruhi, and Tsuruya, the perspective switches, well, not quite from first to third, but it starts to feel odd. Maybe it starts off in Tsuruya's head and then leaves and then comes back?

Huh.  I don't really see that.

"I think this is a feint. Akira-kun, I want all of the men gathered here -- including my normal watchers -- and immediately reinforce the guard on Sasaki

The "and immediately" feels off. Like, the base sentence becomes "I want all the men gathered here and immediately reinforce..."

That last 'and' should be 'to'.

Well, that luck was going to win out,

the luck is going to win, or the luck is going to run out?

I think I got caught up in two threads, one where Taro is thinking about how he's lucky, and one that he's thinking Kyon's been lucky and it ran out.  This instance should be 'run' out, though.

I'm pretty amused by the sudden shift of Taro from Sumiyoshi-rengo to dockworker, mostly in how matter-of-fact it is. And the retention of ambition as well.

That pretty much what I was going for.  No hesitation in the, "Time for a new career!" angle cropping up. :)

Sasaki muttered an irritated, "Oh ... not again,"

Ahaha!

^_^;;

Haruhi: "This sucks! >_<"
Sasaki: "You get used to it. -_-"

Thanks for the feedback.

[Brian]

Yura drew nearer the pair, asking,

Yura hasn't been mentioned in this story before and could benefit from an introduction. "One of them, a boy/girl named Yura" or something perhaps.

Sure, that's not hard:

Another girl who sat near Yanagimoto -- Yura -- drew nearer the pair, adjusting her glasses and asking, "Are you talking about Suzumiya-san's girlfriend?"

bruises as dislocations

"and" instead of "as"?

Yep -- thanks for the feedback!

[Specular]

C&C incoming:

Spoiler: ShowHide

If Haruhi was distracting Sasaki from from Kunikida, that really left Sakanaka's situation to Yanagimoto, didn't it?

from from → from

"Not a long-lost brother?" Sakanaka asked carefully.

"Not that similar, no." After both girls checked to make sure no one was within hearing range, Yanagimoto dropped her voice to a whisper, explaining, "He didn't look like Kyon-kun, but from what I could tell, he spoke, acted, and sounded like him. Strange, huh?"

It's just me or they just guessed the truth about "Shutaro" and the "perfect disguise kit" set them off track a little? In any case, I think it's interesting how they are slowly getting close to the real nature of the Brigade's activities.

"You know, I saw Nagato-san throw Jun across the entire clubroom, and then hold the door shut against Okabe-sensei and two other teachers with a single hand?"

Jun → Yamane, unless she is not that upset with him anymore.

Another girl who sat near Yanagimoto -- Yura -- drew nearer the pair, adjusting her glasses and asking, "Are you talking about Suzumiya-san's girlfriend?"

Good observation. Sakanaka and Yura can be seen chatting in the movie, I didn't notice that until now.


Two instances of "chorus girl" in relatively close succession, I suggest changing the second one for "singer".

"I'm going to call in another friend," he said quickly. "Akira-kun, I'd like you personally to see to having a few extra men watching over Michikyu Kanae-chan and Haruhi, just in case they try and surprise us. I can trust you with this, right?"

Michikyu → Michikyuu.


Small inconsistency: Kyon first used the honorific "-san" and then changed it to "-kun" during his conversation with Akira. Although, considering that the second time Kyon gave him instructions to follow, this is perhaps appropriated.

So ... Mikuru would be with Tsuruya. Koizumi was headed to the hospital to visit Kyouko, which would be adequately defended. Kanae had been under the radar so far, and probably wasn't in any danger ... the same for Haruhi.

Kyouko is still in the hospital? IINM, that day is a Monday, six days after the Resonance Cascade chapters, so I think it's a little strange if she hasn't been released by now.

Specifically, he was moved away from the easy tasks of protection brackets or price fixing schemes.

protection bracket → protection racket. (I think I have heard both terms being used for the same thing before, though).


Kyon should take a page from Rika's book: If you have to speak with an invisible and inaudible entity in public, wear an ear-piece (SVR is also an option).

After that, he'd simply let the power of his awesome, generic name let him fade from the memory of the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

Awesome indeed! xD


A Kanae's PoV at last! I have been missing them.

Wah, but Kuyou was showing off a lot of leg in that outfit! Kanae felt jealous, and judging by her Mikuru-onee's own gaze, she was probably contemplating a maid outfit with a shorter skirt. Hey, that wasn't fair! She had enough other things to show off!

That reminds me of the Haruhi-chan's version of Mikuru and her competitive streak over cosplay.

"Um, sempai, why did her costume change?"

sempai → Sempai


With Kuyou teleporting herself around while wearing a devil outfit, I was half expecting a 'BAMF!' sound effect. Similarly, that scene where Ryouko and Kuyou brought milk and cookies for Kyon made me wish for a Santa's hat for Kyon.

The only thing that could make the day better was if it was her turn to sneak into her sempai's bed that night ... she was pretty sure it was her and Haruhi -- if she were really lucky, she'd even get to sneak in a kiss or two!

Now I think about it, did the girls designed some sort of schedule for the Bedmate Reveals?

She wanted to help, but recalling what happened last time, she was content to let Kyon agree to handle it with Kuyou, Ryouko, Nagato, and Koizumi's help

Nagato → Yuki

Like she had told Sasaki, she didn't expect much of anything to come out of it ... but then, keeping herself and the other girl away from danger was for the best, especially with Kyon....

She tried not to think about it, but was unable to keep from shivering when she reached the train station.

I'm not sure what Haruhi was referring to about Kyon. Maybe about how he gets when something dangerous happens to one of his friends or family?

She gestured to her outfit, a modest soft lavender top and brown skirt. "Since I'm not in any clubs, I had time to go home and change, first. Ah ... I hope that's not a problem?"

Does Sasaki usually change out of her school uniform before going to cram school? If she doesn't, then leaving it at home could further fuel her mother's suspicions about Sasaki's behavior. Let's just hope she doesn't end bringing those handcuffs home after the kidnapping, it would be a very awkward moment if her mother finds them.

"Seems like Kunikida had dinner with this uncle last night," Haruhi explained. "Well, he's more a close family friend – like an uncle. Anyway, Yanagimoto happened to see Kunikida with him and took a picture, so we know what the guy looks like.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but Haruhi having a picture of Hiko sounds too convenient. How about setting this up a little? Perhaps by moving Kunikida's dinner to Monday's night and then mentioning that Haruhi and Yanagimoto did something with their cell phones during Tuesday's lunch in Kanae's PoV.


yattai (2 instances) → yatai, romanization of 屋台 (やたい): /(n) (1) cart, esp. food cart/(2) (festival) float/(P)/.

It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask, but was that ever a question that could be taken the wrong way – especially if they were trying to get Kunikida to notice Sakanaka!

IMO, it's left a little ambiguous. How about changing "It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask," into something like "It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask Kunikida about his family situation,"?

This was more frustrating than she had thought! Not being able to explain what was really going wrong, because of Sasaki's fearsome but uncontrolled power....

"going wrong" → "going on" (?).

Sasaki didn't look particularly worried either, though she did glance into the crowd -- yeah, Kyon's friends were watching them still, so it would be fine, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure of using the expression "Kyon's friends" in Haruhi's PoV.

"And Kowa-Keigo Kyon won't use all his teeth when we've got both of you as hostages," Hiko returned coldly, finally speaking to her again. He nodded at one of the thugs.

How does Hiko know about Haruhi? From Kunikida?


I'm surprised that Hiko didn't immediately get rid of Haruhi and Sasaki's cell phones. Even under constant surveillance one of them could manage to call the police, send a text for help or maybe just dial someone's number and let that person know about their situation from the ambient sounds and bits of conversation (most likely Yuki).

[Empyrean]

Spelling errors seem pretty well covered by the others, so I'll just post my reactions.

Kyon's going to notice one of these days that when Haruhi telekinetically changes her hair into a ponytail, it's like a cat crouching with its tail waving back and forth; she's ready to pounce.

Not-so-suddenly lesbians means they might qualify for a group rate at Special Hell! :)

I loved the part where the girls who don't quite get the concept of good and evil dress up as an angel and devil to offer advice. Kyon showed his versatility when he changed things up from his usual Warrior Philosopher schtick to Warrior Motivational Speaker and inspired a Very Nice Man to consider furthering his education and aiming for a better line of work.

It seems that Yuki is trying to moderate her protective impulse for the sake of better social interaction. There's a lot of focus on how other characters are trying to get along better and make things work, and up until this point Yuki didn't really have any issues to deal with as far as jealousy or insecurity from the Big Damn Harem arrangement. Her having to make an effort to improve her relations with the others is interesting because here she seems more conflicted instead of just not knowing how.

Sasaki gets kidnapped more often than Princess Peach. She does seem to be learning, though, and might be able to effect her own escape along with Haruhi.

[Brian]

C&C incoming:

Appreciated.  If I don't reply to the grammatical corrections, it's because I used them.

Spoiler: ShowHide

It's just me or they just guessed the truth about "Shutaro" and the "perfect disguise kit" set them off track a little? In any case, I think it's interesting how they are slowly getting close to the real nature of the Brigade's activities.

They're starting to realize that some things don't add up -- but there is the huge gap that Haruhi told them Kyon was dating Mikuru, followed by Mikuru showing up with 'Shutaro' shortly after....

"You know, I saw Nagato-san throw Jun across the entire clubroom, and then hold the door shut against Okabe-sensei and two other teachers with a single hand?"

Jun ? Yamane, unless she is not that upset with him anymore.

Should still be Yamane.

Good observation. Sakanaka and Yura can be seen chatting in the movie, I didn't notice that until now.

Convenient coincidence! :D

Small inconsistency: Kyon first used the honorific "-san" and then changed it to "-kun" during his conversation with Akira. Although, considering that the second time Kyon gave him instructions to follow, this is perhaps appropriated.

Nah, should be 'san' throughout.

So ... Mikuru would be with Tsuruya. Koizumi was headed to the hospital to visit Kyouko, which would be adequately defended. Kanae had been under the radar so far, and probably wasn't in any danger ... the same for Haruhi.

Kyouko is still in the hospital? IINM, that day is a Monday, six days after the Resonance Cascade chapters, so I think it's a little strange if she hasn't been released by now.

She's not injured, just staying there for safety.

Specifically, he was moved away from the easy tasks of protection brackets or price fixing schemes.

protection bracket ? protection racket. (I think I have heard both terms being used for the same thing before, though).

Should be racket.

Kyon should take a page from Rika's book: If you have to speak with an invisible and inaudible entity in public, wear an ear-piece (SVR is also an option).

He really should, but for this scene....  :p

After that, he'd simply let the power of his awesome, generic name let him fade from the memory of the Sumiyoshi-rengo.

Awesome indeed! xD

I had a bit of fun with Taro's scenes. :3

A Kanae's PoV at last! I have been missing them.

She's fun. ^_^;

With Kuyou teleporting herself around while wearing a devil outfit, I was half expecting a 'BAMF!' sound effect. Similarly, that scene where Ryouko and Kuyou brought milk and cookies for Kyon made me wish for a Santa's hat for Kyon.

Haruhi: "I get to sit in his lap first!"

Now I think about it, did the girls designed some sort of schedule for the Bedmate Reveals?

Not on-screen, but it's reasonable to think they've got some sort of plan to figure those elements out.

Like she had told Sasaki, she didn't expect much of anything to come out of it ... but then, keeping herself and the other girl away from danger was for the best, especially with Kyon....

She tried not to think about it, but was unable to keep from shivering when she reached the train station.

I'm not sure what Haruhi was referring to about Kyon. Maybe about how he gets when something dangerous happens to one of his friends or family?

Well, no, Haruhi's trying to think that she's specifically running a harmless distraction (investigate the decidedly non-dangerous uncle) while Kyon's dealing with more sliders.  Hmm.  I may have to clarify that a bit.

In the meantime, the best assistance she could provide was keeping Sasaki busy and distracted, so she couldn't be used against Kyon or the others -- and that meant her investigation of Kunikida's weird uncle.  Like she had told Sasaki, she didn't expect much of anything to come out of it ... but then, keeping herself and the other girl _away_ from danger was for the best, especially while Kyon was busy dealing with Wataru.

Does Sasaki usually change out of her school uniform before going to cram school? If she doesn't, then leaving it at home could further fuel her mother's suspicions about Sasaki's behavior. Let's just hope she doesn't end bringing those handcuffs home after the kidnapping, it would be a very awkward moment if her mother finds them.

Heh.  I would guess she usually doesn't change out of her school uniform if she goes straight after classes let out.  Incidentally, most schools have rules about not wearing the uniform except when going to/from or at school.  There's probably some leeway in the modern day, especially if you're not making the school look bad or you're actually going to a cram school anyway.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but Haruhi having a picture of Hiko sounds too convenient. How about setting this up a little? Perhaps by moving Kunikida's dinner to Monday's night and then mentioning that Haruhi and Yanagimoto did something with their cell phones during Tuesday's lunch in Kanae's PoV.

This picture sounds convenient when the business card wasn't? :p

I don't think it's that big of a deal, but if someone else complains I can change it.

yattai (2 instances) ? yatai, romanization of ?? (???): /(n) (1) cart, esp. food cart/(2) (festival) float/(P)/.

Hmm.  My romanization comes from the Ranma 1/2 fandom, so it could be incorrect.  That's disconcerting.

It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask, but was that ever a question that could be taken the wrong way – especially if they were trying to get Kunikida to notice Sakanaka!

IMO, it's left a little ambiguous. How about changing "It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask," into something like "It would be trivial for Sasaki to ask Kunikida about his family situation,"?

Really?  It looks fine in context....

Sasaki didn't look particularly worried either, though she did glance into the crowd -- yeah, Kyon's friends were watching them still, so it would be fine, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure of using the expression "Kyon's friends" in Haruhi's PoV.

I should say Tsuruya's men, not Kyon's friends.  That'd be Sasaki's PoV.

How does Hiko know about Haruhi? From Kunikida?

Or from watching Haruhi walk home with Kyon previously -- but most likely from Kunikida.  (So there's no suggestion he actually knows about either of their powers.)

I'm surprised that Hiko didn't immediately get rid of Haruhi and Sasaki's cell phones. Even under constant surveillance one of them could manage to call the police, send a text for help or maybe just dial someone's number and let that person know about their situation from the ambient sounds and bits of conversation (most likely Yuki).

Well, yeah, but Yuki's with Kyon preparing to deal with Wataru. >__>

Tsuruya would be the best bet.  :p

Thanks for the feedback! :)

[Brian]

Kyon's going to notice one of these days that when Haruhi telekinetically changes her hair into a ponytail, it's like a cat crouching with its tail waving back and forth; she's ready to pounce.

Or he's noticed and is wise enough not to say anything. >.>

Not-so-suddenly lesbians means they might qualify for a group rate at Special Hell! :)

XD

I loved the part where the girls who don't quite get the concept of good and evil dress up as an angel and devil to offer advice. Kyon showed his versatility when he changed things up from his usual Warrior Philosopher schtick to Warrior Motivational Speaker and inspired a Very Nice Man to consider furthering his education and aiming for a better line of work.

I had an unreasonable amount of fun with that part. :p

Sasaki gets kidnapped more often than Princess Peach. She does seem to be learning, though, and might be able to effect her own escape along with Haruhi.

I think the next chapter should be fun to write, too. >.>;

Thanks for the feedback. :D

[thedarkfreak]

I cut out the grammar corrections I found, as others already found them.  This is just comments.

"At least I won't be going there alone."

OH DEAR GOD.  Excuse me, dying of cute and laughter at the same time.

*conversation between Sakanaka and Yanagimoto*

Well, looks like Yanagimoto's really getting good at math.

Kyon mostly felt sorry for any Sumiyoshi-rengo that actually went after Haruhi

Ain't that the truth :P

"Angel and devil costumes"

Ok, that's just freaking hilarious.  Even better that he's talking to himself in front of an ambush, nearly unconcerned, mostly just annoyed.


Taro seems to reconsider his life pretty quickly after meeting the infamous Kowa-Keigo.

Romantically confident

Oh, dear.  Looks like Kyon's still a bit too idolized to Kanae.

"I have an office just down the street"

Oh, god damn it.  Saw it coming, but even so...

"Oh, not again..."

Yup, getting too used to it.  At least she has company this time, as it's not looking like one of Kyon's instant-rescues this time.


Should be an interesting next chapter, especially if we find out more about Sasaki's limitations.  In particular, I want to know if it really is limited to things she can observe, and if she herself can still be affected by anything she'd normally nullify.

Also wonder how much of a power it nullifies.  If you have a power that can do mutliple things, and Sasaki observes one of them, do all of them get disabled?  I don't think so, guessing from the last time we saw it in action, but still...

Still, I think one thing I'd try if I were in Haruhi's position and there wasn't a guard actually watching..."Hey, Sasaki, trust me for a minute, close your eyes." *destroys handcuffs*


Overall, I quite liked it, and can't wait for the next, thanks to your stupid cliffhanger.   Curse you!

[Specular]

A small one:

"Still – if you want my help in trying to guide Kunikida to someone who could properly return his feelings, I'd be more than glad to do that," Sasaki said earnestly.

Kunikida → Kunikida-kun.

[Halbarad]

I am running short on witty openings lately, apologies. ._. Took me longer than I'd like to get to this too.

Spoiler: ShowHide

transition to another quasi-reality didn't much shake him anymore,

This does scan a little awkwardly; I'd just change 'shake' to 'rattle' though, should be fine that way.

more strongly with how things were shaping up

Slightly awkward here; I'd suggest either 'at how things were shaping up' or 'with the way things were etc.'

"Did it ... hurt?"

"Not as much as the first time," she groaned

You are a terrible person. =)

While she had hoped to try and patch things up

Grammatically, 'try and <do something else>' is almost never correct - it's almost certainly going to be 'to' rather than 'and'.

if he'd resorted to _that_ without fail?

'without fail' seems a little odd here; maybe 'without hesitation' instead? I think she's mostly depressed since he jumped straight to that; 'without fail' seems to imply that he's had to do this repeatedly because of her - i.e., "every time I bungle things, Kyon has to put Haruhi in safe mode without fail".

but I think it's up to the two of us to try and help keep things fair....

I like that Haruhi's willing and able to recognize that Tsuruya's just as capable of being a good leader as she is - and that the others are going to look to her as well.

Haruhi leaned forward and kiss Tsuruya just as deeply as she'd kissed Kyon before.

Approval of the scene overall, but the one thing that bugs me a little is the lack of apparent surprise on Tsuruya's part. I don't see her being hesitant or unwilling, but not showing that feels a little off.

Also, I fail. Didn't see it until I was reviewing the post, but tense on 'kiss Tsuruya'.

I saw it, but she's so small she's, er, lacking for confidence.

Kanae: *eyes Mikuru jealously*

And, anyway, they were Haruhi's friends, right?

This didn't really hit me until I got to the end of the scene (and we were having a related discussion on IRC), but with this scene being Yanagimoto PoV, shouldn't this be Suzumiya throughout in the narration as well? She's definitely using it for Haruhi in dialogue, but I'm not sure which way this should be going in the narration.

hadn't Taniguchi mentioned a few strange things happening during the filming of Haruhi's movie?

Not a bad direction to go, but ending the scene on this seems a little abrupt. Maybe include some kind of action she intends to take since she's remembered that tidbit (like grilling Taniguchi further)?

double-arm-full of

Should just be 'double armful', I think - no need for the hyphens.

then his day have improved

Rather awkward here. Maybe "then his day would have been [considerably] improved" etc. ?

He would absolutely achieve greatness!

     It didn't go quite as smoothly as he'd hoped, though.  It was easy to imagine in his starting days that all he needed to do was achieve some measure of success within the Sumiyoshi-rengo.  As time wore on and he became more aware of the enemies of the Sumiyoshi-rengo, he found himself achieving some measure of advancement anyway.

Repetition of "achieve" three times here. Maybe "attain" for the second and "gaining" for the third? Might want to rework a bit though, since it also repeats the "measure of X" phrase as well.

price fixing schemes

I'd use 'price-fixing', but I'd call this one optional -- can work either way.

He didn't have the head to handle money laundering, but he was able to handle himself in a fight,

Repetition of "handle". Maybe "conduct" for the second?

and he didn't back down to anyone who wasn't a superior

back down from*

Somehow, he hadn't realized that leaving with such a limited education

Think there's a 'school' missing after leaving. Kind of harps on the education thing, though, so I could see replacing 'education' with 'skillset' if you add school in.

the best he could improvising on the field

This seems like it should be "in the field" to me? Could see it being "on" though (as in "on the field of battle"), so your call here.

and an average man, if an ambitious one, would claim victory over him

I'd offset the phrase here with em-dashes rather than commas.

And he'd double and tripled checked photographs;

And he'd double- and triple-checked photographs

this was the same boy as the picture

Repetition of 'boy' from a bit earlier in the paragraph; maybe 'student'?

not too far off the boy's typical route home.  Then he'd marched out into the path that 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon (he _was_ just a boy, right?) was walking and raised a hand, calling gruffly, "Boy!"

I understand a lot of this is here to play up how badly Taro is underestimating Kyon, but it does mean a lot of repetition.

Maybe his _own_ luck was shifting!

Absolutely it is! Just not at all in the direction he thinks. =D

"So, this is the 'Kowa-Keigo' Kyon?"

This seems to be either an extra 'the' or a missing adjective (or set of italics).

the meaning of crossing the Sumiyoshi-rengo, Boy?

Boy shouldn't really be capitalized here.

grumbling _just_ barely enough for Taro to hear

"barely enough" seems a bit shy by itself; maybe "loudly enough" or "barely loud enough".

but I'm all stressed out and want--

Might just be me, but having him literally say "I'm all stressed out" seems a bit off. Definitely see him expressing the sentiment, just not in those words; perhaps "I'm really tired of dealing with this kind of thing" or "I've had more than enough of having to deal with these guys", etc.?

faked a weak cough to try and get

'to try and' again.

how do you want to do this, one at a time

I'd replace the em-dash here with a comma.

she told her security attachment in advance

Detachment.

And, was it her imagination

Don't need this comma.

girl she had admired in middle school

Should be elementary (or grade) school, I think, since she and Kyon went to the same middle school (and not Haruhi's, obviously).

I'll let you attend your class for now

Seems a little stiff for Haruhi - maybe "get to your class" instead?

That wonderful, wasn't it?

Missing something here, but I'll leave this one to you to sort out.

Then he'd evidently had enough of warming up.

Scans a little awkwardly; I'd suggest "That had evidently been enough to get him warmed up" or "Then he'd evidently had enough time to get warmed up".

or by the simple matter of flinging other assailants like projectile weapons

Straight-out suggestion here; works as is, but I'd suggest 'by the simple expedient of'.

Her self-appointed older-sister reminded her

Shouldn't be a hyphen in older sister.

Well, she knew her self-appointed 'big sister'

Repeats almost the same phrase just a couple of sentences later; maybe use 'her chief in mascot services', since even in the Brigade she sort of reports to Mikuru?

You sent your guard away, yesterday?

Vestigial comma.

Evidently there's a yattai up the street

Saw this get pointed out, had a look into it. The Japanese is 屋台(やたい), which would be romanized as 'yatai' in both major systems. (For comparison, 'yattai' would be やったい in Japanese.)

Haruhi fished her phone from her pocket and offered it out

'offered it out' seems a bit odd; maybe just 'offered it to her'?

"Let's not rush too hard,"

'hard' doesn't seem like a good word here; maybe 'much' or 'quickly' instead?

even less of a threat than she'd expected, bumbling his way along

Would replace the comma with an em-dash here too.

slapping the other link of the handcuff

I'd say 'bracelet' rather than 'link' here.

around Haruhi's wrist.  Sasaki's right hand, and Haruhi's left.

Second sentence here is a fragment, and if you're replacing 'link' a few words back, you could just bridge the two with that:

around Haruhi's wrist -- linking Sasaki's right hand with Haruhi's left.

[Brian]

A small one:

"Still – if you want my help in trying to guide Kunikida to someone who could properly return his feelings, I'd be more than glad to do that," Sasaki said earnestly.

Kunikida → Kunikida-kun.

Ah, thanks for the catch.