Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

QuoteShinobu paused briefly, collecting her thoughts and pursing her lips, face tilting the slightest bit higher. Taking a surprisingly shaky breath, considering how unflinching the maid had seemed in the past, she continued, "In some countries where women are not ... well respected, this free-spirited girl carelessly made some dangerous enemies.

"Those she had thought of as privileged and unable to understand the plight of those she wished to help. She had meant to help others, and instead had been careless of how her actions might hurt those around her. That is ... as an activist, she brought attention on herself and her nearest allies carelessly, and when she realized what danger she was in...."

First sentence of the second paragraph looks like a fragment. Is that meant to be a continuation of the last of the first paragraph?

Quote"Yes!" the slider exclaimed happily, eyes wide. "That-- Okay!" Yuki recognized that was yet another instance where Kanae was glad to offer something to him and the others. Normally she would just save energy, but more and more she was recognizing that giving room

The paragraph seems to end there unexplainedly.

Quote"You--" He paused, looking around. Probably because of the parlor's reputation, no one was within easy earshot. "You're claiming to be the finance of the legendary Kowa-Keigo-Kyon?"

I'm not entirely sure--how are you punctuating that title lately? I seem to recall earlier in-story it being 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' instead.

QuoteShe wasn't doing the best job of what she'd just said she would do, was she?

Lots of "she"s.

QuotePlaying the role of hapless victim it quite unpleasant

"... is quite... "?

QuoteThat really was the kind of thing Sasaki didn't do quite enough, just focusing on her studies, wasn't it?

Too many negations? Ends up sounding like "... didn't do quite enough, wasn't it?" Dunno, just awkward in general.

QuoteI saw we show her and her friend what ... hospitality we can in the back room, huh?"

"I say we ...."

Well, this is pretty much a "laying low" chapter. The reveal of Shinobu is interesting. Not sure where you're going with that, but interested (also, no explanation of source of Ninja Maid powers). What's interesting is that the thread started by that gets immediately built upon by the end with Tsuruya and Yuki.

The scenes with Yanagimoto and Sakanaka are interesting, in that they're getting a whiff that things in Haruhi-land aren't exactly normal. And Tani-baka indeed...

Quote from: alethiophile on August 24, 2012, 01:15:58 AMFirst sentence of the second paragraph looks like a fragment. Is that meant to be a continuation of the last of the first paragraph?

Kind of!  Needed some expansion so:

Quote from: revision"In some countries where women are not ... well respected, this free-spirited girl carelessly made some dangerous enemies.

     "They were those she had thought of as privileged and unable to understand the plight of those she wished to help.  Seeing as they didn't understand her, she saw no particular reason to respect them.  So because of this....  She had meant to help others, and instead had been careless of how her actions might hurt those around her.  That is ... as an activist, she brought attention on herself and her nearest allies carelessly, and when she realized what danger she was in...."

Quote from: alethiophile on August 24, 2012, 01:15:58 AMThe paragraph seems to end there unexplainedly.

I assure you, it was complete in my head. @_@

Quote from: revision"Yes!" the slider exclaimed happily, eyes wide.  "That--  Okay!"  Yuki recognized that was yet another instance where Kanae was glad to offer something to him and the others.  Normally she would just save energy, but more and more she was recognizing that giving room for others gave them a chance to spend some time with Kyon as well.  And wasn't doing _something_ for him an activity that they all enjoyed?

Quote from: alethiophile on August 24, 2012, 01:15:58 AMI'm not entirely sure--how are you punctuating that title lately? I seem to recall earlier in-story it being 'Kowa-Keigo Kyon' instead.

That's right; fixed. :)

Quote from: Empyrean on August 24, 2012, 01:39:33 AMs/Sigh/She

Fix'd!

Quote from: Empyrean on August 24, 2012, 01:39:33 AMThree out of four responses here involve head shaking. Dunno if that warrants fixing, but it kind of stood out.

Will revise accordingly!

Quote from: revision[spoiler]     She bit back the urge to sigh wistfully and merely bowed her head, returning to the present moment.  Tsuruya's living room was quite spacious, and Sasaki could only marvel at how considerate and friendly the girl seemed, given the relative opulence she must have been raised in. 

     "I should thank you," Sasaki said, shaking her head and offering the green-haired heiress a smile.  "After all, without your help...."  She trailed off and shrugged.

     "Ah, thinks nothing of that," Tsuruya said, waving a hand dismissively.  "Hmm, though--  I should apologize to you!  When we met some time ago at the beach, I said some unkind things, which I shouldn't!  A friend of Kyon's is a friend of mine, and so -- if you can, think of what I've done as an apology for that!"

     Sasaki blinked, remembering that incident suddenly.  It wasn't something that haunted her constantly ... but occasionally it did trouble her thoughts.  Certainly, she didn't like that it seemed almost as though she came across as a villain to her friend and his friends.

     "It's nothing," she said, shaking her head again.  "Sometimes there are mis-communications, and that ... well...."  Being entirely honest, it _did_ make her feel better that Tsuruya wanted to make amends for that.  "I -- I wasn't at my best that day, either.  But then, perhaps it's not constructive to dwell on that -- it's better to work toward a more positive future, isn't it?"  Absolutely, there was no sense dwelling on how much she realized she was hurt by the revelation of Kyon's engagement.

Quote from: JonBob on August 24, 2012, 11:22:59 AM

QuoteShe wasn't doing the best job of what she'd just said she would do, was she?

Lots of "she"s.

Hmm.  I should be able to revise that a bit.

Quote from: JonBob on August 24, 2012, 11:22:59 AM

QuotePlaying the role of hapless victim it quite unpleasant

"... is quite... "?

Yep.

Quote from: JonBob on August 24, 2012, 11:22:59 AM

QuoteThat really was the kind of thing Sasaki didn't do quite enough, just focusing on her studies, wasn't it?

Too many negations? Ends up sounding like "... didn't do quite enough, wasn't it?" Dunno, just awkward in general.

I don't honestly see that.  Easy enough to revise anyway.

Quote from: revisionThat really was the kind of thing Sasaki didn't do quite enough.  Usually she was just focusing on her studies.

Feels much less like her thoughts, but shouldn't trip anyone up.

Quote from: JonBob on August 24, 2012, 11:22:59 AM

QuoteI saw we show her and her friend what ... hospitality we can in the back room, huh?"

"I say we ...."

Yep!

Quote from: JonBob on August 24, 2012, 11:22:59 AMThe scenes with Yanagimoto and Sakanaka are interesting, in that they're getting a whiff that things in Haruhi-land aren't exactly normal. And Tani-baka indeed...

Okay!  Thanks again for the feedback. :D

QuoteHe uses his seeming anger to fight against the controls used against him, and as he related things, he's actually doing his best to keep the Combine's actions ineffective.

"seething anger"?

QuoteSasaki couldn't help but wonder if she should be more bothered by the way things had gone. Well, she knew some parts of it should not have worked out the way that they had — ending up tangled in an embrace with Kyon was actually nice.

Maybe its just me, but on first reading of that scene I missed that it begins with a flashback, and thought that Sasaki was embracing Kyon while talking to Tsuruya, or perhaps that the scene began before the last one ended. On re-read, its almost clear whats happening, of course. But are the logical and reasonable arguments raised now or during the hug? And perhaps it should be "had actually been nice" instead of "was actually nice".

Quote"You're claiming to be the finance of the legendary Kowa-Keigo Kyon?"

This should probably be fiancée. Also, you seem to be using the words fiance and fiancee, while the proper versions are fiancé and fiancée if I'm not mistaken.

Quote
"A...and so," Shinobu continued, her voice even shakier, "what I wish to say here, Suzumiya-dono, is that Haruka-chan tries her best– She means well, and she tries to be considerate; when those she cares about hurt, she hurts, too. But despite the best intentions ... she is often alone in the world."

when those she cares about hurt →  when those she cares about are/get hurt (?)

Quote
"He ... has been brought around to accepting that it is Haruka-chan's choice and it makes her happy," Shinobu replied, mildly evasive.

O_O

That was damn impressive of Shinobu. «Offscreen Moment Of Awesome» material, IMHO.

Quote
Sasaki couldn't help but wonder if she should be more bothered by the way things had gone. Well, she knew some parts of it should not have worked out the way that they had – ending up tangled in an embrace with Kyon was actually nice. Far too nice, really.

It's just me or the memory of that hug is keeping Sasaki from analyzing unimportant things like, let's say, several instances of supernatural phenomena taking place just a short while before their rescue? *nods sagely* Teens will be teens.

Quote
Haruhi winced, undoubtedly thinking back to the hug they'd shared with Kyon. "Tsuruya ... is not someone who would want us to be hurt like that," she said slowly.

s/Tsuruya/Tsu-chan/  (?)

Quote
His mother rolled her eyes while Kyon just wondered when his sister had become so devious.

Nonoko has the best role models for it, after all xD.

Quote
The two started the daily hike, and Mikuru resolved that one of these times, she was going to ask if Yuki couldn't help her get in better shape, too. She didn't want to get into fights, but being able to handle the hill would be a nice change.

Didn't Mikuru get something like enhanced stamina in early chapters together with Kyon and Kanae after the first sessions of their daily training (courtesy of Close-space!Haruhi)? I never quite got how that works, though.

Quote
Well, that would be nice, and she didn't mind being treated, but she wanted to cook for him, and wouldn't Shutaro visiting in the middle of the week raise questions? "A...actually, I was thinking maybe with Haruhi and Kanae-chan at my place?" she suggested. "That would be okay, wouldn't it?"

s/Haruhi/Haruhi-chan/

IINM, Japanese honorifics shouldn't be omitted even if they incur in reiteration (unless this really is mean to imply first name basis).

Quote
Though, when everyone came to the clubroom anyway, that issue was largely circumvented. As much as she had enjoyed spending time with both Tsuruya (unexpected, but incredibly pleasant) and Kyon the night before, she recognized an opportunity when she opened the clubroom door and found him already seated. Haruhi was to his right, and Kanae was to his left.

Minutiae: How come Yuki was the last one to arrive to the clubroom? IIRC, at some point in the novels Kyon mentioned that Nagato always gets there first so it seems kind of weird to me.

Quote
"Um, let's let Koizumi-kun go first," Kyon suggested, putting one arm around Yuki as he shifted slightly in his seat, shifting his knee to provide slightly better support.

s/Koizumi-kun/Koizumi/

Quote
"Hmm, I'll allow it," Haruhi decreed, nodding. "That's insanely cute! Can you just imagine her sitting like that and reading a book?"

I have to agree (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/pv15072475_crop.jpg).

Quote
If his hands were occupied, it seemed only fitting that Yuki help him out, she determined. The logical solution was for her to take care of what he couldn't. Wasn't he always saying that they had to depend on one another?

"Here," she said softly, using her own chopsticks.

I tried but I couldn't find fanart of it :(. The closest match would be this picture (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/pv23800835_crop.jpg) with characters from another series.

Quote
"There was a tangle with some Sumiyoshi-reno last night," Tsuruya said, giving her head a short shake. "Kyon-kun set them straights, but, hmm, I will ask Mori-san to see if we can't find out a longer term solutions -- this irritation has been going on too long!"

s/Sumiyoshi-reno/Sumiyoshi-rengo/

Quote
"Shut up!" Yanagimoto hissed, strongly tempted to try stomping on the boy's food.

s/food/foot/

Quote
It wasn't precisely what she'd wanted, and Mikuru's apartment was very cozy with all of them there, but it was a pleasant environment.

The construct "was cozy..., but pleasant..." sounds a little strange to me. Perhaps busy/crowded instead of cozy? I'm not really sure.

Quote
"I– I like it, too," the time traveler volunteered from the stove, while Kanae studiously stirred a pot, her attention focused on the stove before her.

Considering the small size of Mikuru's apartment, how about using "hot plate" or "cooktop" instead of "stove"? /nitpicking

Quote
"Hmm, subtlety is overrated," Tsuruya sighed. "Today, I'll just tell you: I'm the daughter of Tsuruya Kenshiro. Except for my friend Yuki-nyan, here, I'm alone. I want to talk to your boss about things in Nishinomiya – specifically, I'm annoyed at you attacking my fiance so much!"

Regardless of whatever I could say about Tsuruya's actions in this chapter, I have to concede her this much -- she knows how to do wrong right by calling up Yuki's help.


About Yuki, I like a lot how this chapter subtly highlights how closely she pays attention to the other girls, especially Mikuru, to level up her social skills.


Taniguchi deserves a special mention. Goofing it up with such ludicrous precision has to be a superpower xD.

Quote from: Guenther on August 24, 2012, 09:37:13 PM

QuoteHe uses his seeming anger to fight against the controls used against him, and as he related things, he's actually doing his best to keep the Combine's actions ineffective.

"seething anger"?

Nope, 'seeming' because it's a front.  Well, partially a front.  I guess it's actually a bit fuzzy....  I think I'll leave this one in, but if anyone else comments or trips over it, I could change it easily enough.

Quote from: Guenther on August 24, 2012, 09:37:13 PM

QuoteSasaki couldn't help but wonder if she should be more bothered by the way things had gone. Well, she knew some parts of it should not have worked out the way that they had — ending up tangled in an embrace with Kyon was actually nice.

Maybe its just me, but on first reading of that scene I missed that it begins with a flashback, and thought that Sasaki was embracing Kyon while talking to Tsuruya, or perhaps that the scene began before the last one ended. On re-read, its almost clear whats happening, of course. But are the logical and reasonable arguments raised now or during the hug? And perhaps it should be "had actually been nice" instead of "was actually nice".

That's an easy enough change -- will fix!

Quote from: Ristridin on August 25, 2012, 07:05:44 AM

Quote"You're claiming to be the finance of the legendary Kowa-Keigo Kyon?"

This should probably be fiancée. Also, you seem to be using the words fiance and fiancee, while the proper versions are fiancé and fiancée if I'm not mistaken.

She's the new stand-in for the epic hero, Mask the Money!  A different kind of superhero!

Tsuruya-sama: "I approve!" :D

And you are correct about the accent mark.  I typically avoid it because....  Hmm.  At the time it caused issues with encoding.  I guess that's not really a problem anymore.  Well -- it's wrong, but I'll leave it as is for the time being.  At some point in the future before K:BDH is finalized, I will go through again and change all instances to be properly accented.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PM

Quote
"A...and so," Shinobu continued, her voice even shakier, "what I wish to say here, Suzumiya-dono, is that Haruka-chan tries her best– She means well, and she tries to be considerate; when those she cares about hurt, she hurts, too. But despite the best intentions ... she is often alone in the world."

when those she cares about hurt →  when those she cares about are/get hurt (?)

I think it's implied, but clarification doesn't hurt.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PM

Quote"He ... has been brought around to accepting that it is Haruka-chan's choice and it makes her happy," Shinobu replied, mildly evasive.

O_O

That was damn impressive of Shinobu. «Offscreen Moment Of Awesome» material, IMHO.

Y...eah. >.>;

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMIt's just me or the memory of that hug is keeping Sasaki from analyzing unimportant things like, let's say, several instances of supernatural phenomena taking place just a short while before their rescue? *nods sagely* Teens will be teens.

Well, it's a lot more pleasant to think about than some other things.  Either she can dwell on her unrequited feelings, the inexplicable happenings about her rescue, the fact that she's being chased by the mob for reasons she doesn't understand, or, hey, that she got to ... 'accidentally' hug the guy she really likes.

Haruhi: "It's a crazy world when I can't even be tsundere and jealous about that.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PM

Quote
Haruhi winced, undoubtedly thinking back to the hug they'd shared with Kyon. "Tsuruya ... is not someone who would want us to be hurt like that," she said slowly.

s/Tsuruya/Tsu-chan/  (?)

Right.  Some of my names are off due to how long it's been.  Bleah.  @_@

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMNonoko has the best role models for it, after all xD.

A Nonoko with Tsuruya's cheer, Haruhi's energy, and Ryouko's guile.

The world is not ready.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMDidn't Mikuru get something like enhanced stamina in early chapters together with Kyon and Kanae after the first sessions of their daily training (courtesy of Close-space!Haruhi)? I never quite got how that works, though.

Yeah, kind of.  Really, Haruhi just let them shrug off the effects (being tired) from not actually sleeping through the night, and instead getting the hyperbolic time chamber training.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMs/Haruhi/Haruhi-chan/

IINM, Japanese honorifics shouldn't be omitted even if they incur in reiteration (unless this really is mean to imply first name basis).

Yeah, that was just an error on my part.  I try and be consistent about it (as demonstrated in Outcast).

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMMinutiae: How come Yuki was the last one to arrive to the clubroom? IIRC, at some point in the novels Kyon mentioned that Nagato always gets there first so it seems kind of weird to me.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if that could slide or not.  Added some flimsy justification. :p

Quote from: revisionThough, when everyone came to the clubroom anyway, that issue was largely circumvented -- though thanks to the president of the computer research society stopping her to ask for her help with an upgrade the following week, she was the last to arrive, instead of the first.

     So much for that particular 'habit'.

     That aside, as much as she had enjoyed spending time with both Tsuruya (unexpected, but incredibly pleasant) and Kyon the night before, she recognized an opportunity when she opened the clubroom door and found him already seated.  Haruhi was to his right, and Kanae was to his left.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMs/Koizumi-kun/Koizumi/

Oops. :x

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMI have to agree (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/pv15072475_crop.jpg).

:p

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMI tried but I couldn't find fanart of it :(. The closest match would be this picture (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/pv23800835_crop.jpg) with characters from another series.

I wouldn't be surprised if Grahf could find it, somehow. :p

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMs/Sumiyoshi-reno/Sumiyoshi-rengo/

Oops again!

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMs/food/foot/

So many typos. @_@

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMThe construct "was cozy..., but pleasant..." sounds a little strange to me. Perhaps busy/crowded instead of cozy? I'm not really sure.

How about:

Quote from: revisionIt wasn't _precisely_ what she'd wanted, and Mikuru's apartment was crowded with all of them there, but it was a cozy environment, thanks to the atmosphere.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMConsidering the small size of Mikuru's apartment, how about using "hot plate" or "cooktop" instead of "stove"? /nitpicking

Cooktop works.

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMRegardless of whatever I could say about Tsuruya's actions in this chapter, I have to concede her this much -- she knows how to do wrong right by calling up Yuki's help.


About Yuki, I like a lot how this chapter subtly highlights how closely she pays attention to the other girls, especially Mikuru, to level up her social skills.

Excellent -- glad both of those points worked! :)

Quote from: Specular on August 25, 2012, 10:33:39 PMTaniguchi deserves a special mention. Goofing it up with such ludicrous precision has to be a superpower xD.

He needed some screen time, though.

(http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z261/grahf616/a7c44677597b26c28d3d87c6dd1fb99a.png)
(http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z261/grahf616/c1ca9074d5a0594b12d8459dc906f23a.png)

 

QuoteCertainly, she didn't like that it seemed almost as though she came across as a villain to her friend and his friends.

Incredibly minor, but the close repetition of friend seems a tad awkward to me. She's referring to both Kyon's group and Kyouko here, right? Might be better to use something like "to everyone involved in the conversation". Again, could be way off base here.

QuoteMmm, not with your fault,

unnecessary "with" here, perhaps.

Quote"what is your thoughts?"

Not sure if the s on thoughts is the verbal tic or not, if not then is should be are, I believe. If it is just the tic then no change is necessary. I'm mostly wondering because Kyon uses thoughts in his own dialogue after this.

QuoteSasaki posted helplessly

posited? posed?

---

Anyways, that's roughly it for corrections, if indeed they are. A heavy chapter, all things considered. For some reason the Snow, Verses segment at the beginning gives me hope that whatever happens in the next chapter with this whole confrontation between Tsuruya and whoever she's planning on getting to in that building. Shinobu's story is pretty heartbreaking, but something tells me that she might be relating it to her niece sooner than later, even if now isn't a good time. It also seems that things with Kunikida must be coming to a head soon enough, although not before the attempted reveal of the masquerade to Sasaki.

All in all, quite the build up. I'm sure the resolution will be intriguing to say the least.

Quote from: Grahf on August 27, 2012, 05:00:15 AM

Quote"what is your thoughts?"

Not sure if the s on thoughts is the verbal tic or not, if not then is should be are, I believe. If it is just the tic then no change is necessary. I'm mostly wondering because Kyon uses thoughts in his own dialogue after this.

Fixed the other errors you noticed.  This one was supposed to be Tsuruya's tic.  I try and basically use real words, just the wrong ones, when it comes up.  Just pluralizing things, mostly.

Quote from: Grahf on August 27, 2012, 05:00:15 AM

QuoteSasaki posted helplessly

posited? posed?

Not sure what I meant anymore. O_O

Went with 'said'. >_>;

Quote from: Grahf on August 27, 2012, 05:00:15 AMAnyways, that's roughly it for corrections, if indeed they are. A heavy chapter, all things considered. For some reason the Snow, Verses segment at the beginning gives me hope that whatever happens in the next chapter with this whole confrontation between Tsuruya and whoever she's planning on getting to in that building. Shinobu's story is pretty heartbreaking, but something tells me that she might be relating it to her niece sooner than later, even if now isn't a good time. It also seems that things with Kunikida must be coming to a head soon enough, although not before the attempted reveal of the masquerade to Sasaki.

All in all, quite the build up. I'm sure the resolution will be intriguing to say the least.

Okay, sounds like I'm on a good track, then. :D

Quote
Though, when everyone came to the clubroom anyway, that issue was largely circumvented -- though thanks to the president of the computer research society stopping her to ask for her help with an upgrade the following week, she was the last to arrive, instead of the first.

IIRC, the president of the computer research society mentioned at some point that he won't be able to hold the position for long after his graduation. It occurs to me that if the members of the computer society recently elected a new president, said guy introducing himself to Yuki at lunchtime could serve as an excuse to explain her uncharacteristic tardiness in this chapter.

Quote
"W...what?" the figure on the left managed, eyes widening as he stared in confusion.  The other figure blinked, his mouth dropping open a short distance.  "You--"  He paused, looking around.  Probably because of the parlor's reputation, no one was within easy earshot.  "You're claiming to be the fiance of the legendary Kowa-Keigo Kyon?" he scoffed, looking doubtful.

fiance → fiancee/fiancée


If I may make a suggestion, one way to keep track of how a group of characters address each other is indexing the information in a table with addresser and addressee as its axes. For example, said table for Kyon, Haruhi and Mikuru in canon could look like this:

It was nice to have some backstory for Shinobu, but her personal story didn't really serve as an allegory for Haruka's situation for my part.  I do get the "even the best intentions can have unintended consequences", and that Haruka's background as a leader, and cultural influences would predispose her to deal with problems "on the quiet side".    I'm not surprised that Shinobu has  been running interference between the Kyon-tachi and Tsuruya-sama, but it is somewhat uncommon for the father to have caught on that more were involved than just his daughter and prospective son-in-law.


Sasaki I think will manage to adjust in no time at all, to be being one of the "Kyon Girls".  Nice touch I feel to have Tsuruya bring up the confrontation on the beach again.




[spoiler]"I ... wish I could help, somehow," Sasaki said slowly. "If ... it's not too much to ask.... Well -- I feel I must ask, though-- Playing the role of hapless victim is quite unpleasant. While I am grateful for your protection and aid, is there ... anything I can do to help?"

Sasaki wanted to pinch herself. Even if it had gone through her mind before, was she seriously asking to be taken in and given a role in a crime syndicate? It took her less than half a second to realize that yes, she was -- and it was perfectly reasonable, too. Her friends were already there, and she was going to be pursued by various enemies for some reason, anyway.

It was entirely logical to do everything she could to protect herself!

Tsuruya's eyebrows rose. "Hmm," she mused thoughtfully, one hand cupping her chin, as gaze turned distant. "Well," she said slowly, "I would need to check with Kyon-kun, and see if he thinks it's a good ideas, first."

"If what's a good idea?" the boy in question asked, stepping through the doorway, looking curious.

Tsuruya explained, "Sasaki-chan wants to join us, since she's involved anyways! What does Kyon-kun think?"

"You know," Kyon said, shaking his head and sighing, "Haruhi asked if we could include Sasaki in more of our business, too?"

Tsuruya's eyebrows rose, while Sasaki wondered ... what was Haruhi's role in things? "So, then," she prompted, giving Kyon a smile, "what is your thoughts?"

"Being entirely honest, it seems fair and reasonable," he answered slowly, one hand going behind his head as he stared at the blank television screen. "Um, my thoughts are that ... really ... explaining things to you is something that we must inevitably do. It's ... difficult to know where to begin, though. Well -- as far as things go, I'd be happy to bring you in."

Quote"Is that so?" Sasaki asked, unable to keep from perking up. This was what she'd hoped for, after all!

"It's not going to be easy," he warned, frowning. "Even considering everything...."

"It is worse than you knows," Tsuruya said sternly, though her expression was surprisingly warm and gentle. "You have seen the tip of the icebergs -- and you must have absolute and unwavering trust for Kyon-kun!"

Sasaki couldn't help but wonder at that. "That's.... I've had trust in Kyon for some time," she said quietly. "But I thought that ... you were in charge?" she asked cautiously.

"It's complicated," Haruhi sighed, stepping in through the doorway from behind Kyon, making him start slightly. "We all look out for one-another, and that means sometimes any one of us may take charge in different ways to help the others out. Like for example, when I tell Kyon he should spend some time with his fiancee, because a debriefing of any kind can wait for the time being!"

I think it makes for a nice literary effect, the way Kyon, and then Haruhi just drop into the conversation.  Sasaki, complicated is one heck of an understatement.    I also liked the way Haruhi managed Kyon and Haruka, telling them to go off, find Yuki, and make out.  =)
No, I really don't think it will take Sasaki very long to come to the conclusion that it is perfectly "logical" to become part of Kyon's Harem.  And there's Haruhi, preparing the groundwork.  If Sasaki gets some time to wind down and reflect on her recent experiences, I'm sure she'll find quite a few instances that when taken in context are actually pretty unusual. 

I wouldn't have expected Sasaki to be interested in watching anime, but she's expressed loneliness, and a desire to find more points of contact with her aquaintances in other scenes, so it turns into a nice bonding scene with Haruhi.  Especially with her interest in Kyon's own taste in anime. =)

QuoteAfter the crazy week he'd had, and the new responsibilities he'd picked up -- important ones, though -- from Haruhi, Kyon was convinced he was finally going to have a single good day in the current week. Just one! Was that so much to ask for?

I find this bit somewhat unclear.  Is Kyon convinced  he _will_ finally have a good day, or is he _wishing_ for just one good day?

QuoteThe previous night had gone pretty well, though -- his 'meeting' with Tsuruya had turned into a surprisingly intense and unabashed make-out-session, and one that expanded to include Yuki. The heiress didn't kiss Yuki the way she'd kissed Haruhi -- instead it was just a friendly peck on the cheek, but hugging.... Yuki seemed to really like that.

There was a pleasant pause for dinner, which was an interesting experience with Yuki and Tsuruya occupying his arms and taking turns giving him bites of his food -- that kind of thing he supposed he couldn't really complain about too much. Tsuruya's giggling, and Yuki's tiny, almost invisible hints of amusement set a perfect tone.

Yeah, he thought he could deal with more of that.

I like the way that Tsuruya and Yuki interact with each other in a different way than Tsuruya and Haruhi.  It begins to define the interpersonal relationships between the Kyon & the Girls as more than Kyon + Girls(Yuri).  I do see Haruhi being "equal opportunity" when sharing physical affection, though I don't know if all of the girls will accept her advances.  Haruka and Kanamae have already done so, but it remains to be seen how far Yuki, Mikuru, and Sasaki want to go.  Somehow, I don't think Mikuru will escape her clutches. =)  That could serve as another lesson in setting and accepting personal boundaries though.  I imagine Kyon and Haruhi serving as the foci for strongly intimate activities, sort of an love ellipse?  =)

QuoteAnd once he let his eyes open, he realized he'd woken up with the familiar, comforting warmth of two other people crammed into his tiny bed. Glancing cautiously to one side, he caught Haruhi's mop of dark hair, unbound with a ribbon at the moment, and to the other ... Kanae?

Kyon, you definately deserve nothing less than the Special Hell. =P

QuoteThe slider yawned and stretched cutely, blushing the instant her eyes opened. "G-good morning, Sempai," she stuttered breathily.

Haruhi stirred, shifting a bit and half-flopping across Kyon. "I stayed up too late last night," she groused, before pressing her face into his chest. "Good morning, Kyon, Kanae-chan," she said, her voice muffled, her breath going through his shirt.

Oh ... boy....

"Ah..." Kanae sighed, looking a bit wistful, before hugging Kyon's arm tightly to her chest. That ... wasn't really something he was going to complain about, either!

"Huh?" Haruhi wondered, raising her head. "You sound a bit down, Kanae-chan. What's going on?"

"N...nothing!" the slider squeaked out, her eyes bouncing lower, to Haruhi's pajama top, and then quickly away. "Um, just, good morning!"

"Uh-huh," Haruhi managed, unconvinced, before squirming further across Kyon and raising the smaller girl's chin, grinning deviously. "You want to be able to ... excite Kyon, huh?"

"Y-yes!" Kanae yelped quietly, before covering her mouth, her blush intensifying further, somehow.

"I like you just the way you are, Kanae-chan," Kyon said, shaking his head, as he was pleasantly pinned at the moment.

"Try this!" Haruhi said eagerly, surprising him by squirming a bit more across Kyon, almost lying on top of him to kiss the slider.

He had the perfect view of Kanae's eyes widening, then suddenly going very distant as her expression turned almost deliriously happy, and she started kissing back enthusiastically.

Okay! Now that was a fine way to wake up! Haruhi being, well ... Haruhi, she wasn't content to let it rest there, and pulled Kanae gently with her as she slid back to her side of the bed until they were sharing space partially sprawled across him.

"Now," Haruhi began--

Before both of them vanished, and his door slammed open with a reverberating smash.

"Hah!" Nonoko cheered. "I got up early to-- Aww! Nii-san is already up!"

...I am not touching that last line of Nonoko's.  =P           I freely admit this scene is my favorite, though Taniguchi-baka's performance comes a close second.  I think Kanae's gotten a lot more inspiration for her doujinshi just now. 

QuoteKyon hurriedly sat up to rearrange his blankets, his own face reddening. "Nono-chan..." he sighed, hanging his head.

Well, there was a limit to how nice his day could be, he supposed. Getting too caught up first thing in the morning.... Maybe he'd have a chance to follow up on that a bit with Haruhi and Kanae later; he did have priorities, after all.

Priorities.  Right.  I'm sure you have your priorities in the proper order, Kyon.

QuoteAfter turning off the alarm that he hadn't let go off in quite a while, his sister touched a fingertip to her lip and mused, "I thought I heard Haru-nyan...."

"You did!" Ryouko chirped from her perch on the desk, next to his phone. "Nono-chan~! Yay!"

"Ah! Achakura~!" Nonoko cheered, grinning. "Can we play today?"

"Maybe later!" the small interface replied.

...wait. If Haruhi and Kanae had teleported away -- Kanae's doing? Yuki's? He wasn't sure yet.... Still, if they went away before his sister could spot them, did that mean that ... Ryouko had watched that entire thing?

Daaww.  Hmm, maybe a new 3 Monkeys mode for little Achakura?  Hear no Echi, See no Echi, Speak no EchI?  ^_^ 

QuoteIt could just be for the best that his sister interrupted! What a thought!

"Will Chuo be there?" his sister asked earnestly.

"Who's that?" Kyon asked, stretching as he finally climbed out of bed.

"Chuo Kuyou!" she said cheerfully. "The fairy that helped fight the dark kingdom army when I was Magical Radiant Nonoko!"

Kyon blinked at his sister in disbelief. "Suou Kuyou," he corrected her gently. "Her name is Suou Kuyou."

"Kyon," his mother chided, leaning around the door-frame in the hall to give him a disapproving look. "Don't encourage Nonoko's daydreams so much."

"R...right," he agreed, forcing a smile and running a hand through his hair again. "Well, anyway, Imouto, how about giving me a little privacy to change?"

"Okay!" she agreed, dashing to his desk and grabbing Asakura up, the small interface waving her arms happily. "I'm just going to go play with my 'imaginary friend' while you do that~!"

His mother rolled her eyes while Kyon just wondered when his sister had become so devious.

The WAFF, it is over 9000!  Yes, Nonoko is frighteningly precocious, and Ryouko only makes her more potent.  His mother is depressingly good at taking the fun out of things, isn't she. 

I just had a thought- I assume that Yuki has been "cleaning up" after the girls?  Kyon's mother hasn't made any unfortunate discoveries of "foreign" hairs when cleaning his bedding.  Or has it been simply dumb luck?  I don't remember if you were sticking to "Anime" hair coloring, but long hairs are going to stand out regardless of color.  Several different colored strands of hair?  That would just excacerbare things. 

QuoteAs much as she had enjoyed her date with 'Shutaro', Mikuru was still hoping for another chance to spend some time with Kyon. Even as she thought it, she couldn't help but perk up when she spotted Kyon marching up the hill on the way to school. "Kyon-kun!" she called, waving.

He stopped, turning to look at her and giving a subdued wave back.

Is Kyon feeling down?  "subdued" gives that impression.  Perhaps a different word, "casual"? 

QuoteShe caught up quickly, needing to pause and catch her breath after the jog up the hill. He smiled and took her bag. "Ah-- Thanks, Kyon-kun," she giggled, feeling her face redden a bit. "Good morning!"

"Good morning to you, too," he returned, managing a small smile.

The two started the daily hike, and Mikuru resolved that one of these times, she was going to ask if Yuki couldn't help her get in better shape, too. She didn't want to get into fights, but being able to handle the hill would be a nice change.

"How are you doing today?" he asked.

"I'm fine!" she said brightly. Then, realizing how she could pose it, she added, "I um ... really enjoyed going out with, ehe, Shutaro-kun. I'm hoping I can do it again, soon~!" If not, she was certain she was owed some time to snuggle with him one of these nights soon! "How about you, Kyon-kun?"

"A little stressed," he admitted, his smile faded. "Haruhi's given me some pretty daunting goals.... I can probably figure out how to ... break the masquerade to Sasaki -- or at least try. I'm not quite sure how to take care of that just yet."

He sighed, shaking his head. "Well, you shouldn't have to worry about that, though; that's my responsibility."

Well, okay, it seems his "good morning wake up" _has_ already worn off.  I'd have thought that little scene with Haruhi and Kanae would have pepped him up for the morning.  That seems like quite the mood swing.  I can see that "reality" could rear its ugly head on the way to school (an activity depressing in and of itself =P), but the transition between "What a way to wake up" and "Life, don't talk to me about Life" I find somewhat sudden. 

QuoteShe bit her lip thoughtfully. She wished she could help with that.... Well, she had managed to handle the trip to Hinamizawa! Or, would once it came up. Oh, she'd forgotten to tell Haruhi that was handled, hadn't she?

She placed a reminder in her augmented reality field, then asked, "Um, Kyon-kun, do you think we could maybe have dinner tonight?"

A nice detail to slip in, to remind us that future has awesome stuff.

QuoteThough, when everyone came to the clubroom anyway, that issue was largely circumvented -- though thanks to the president of the computer research society stopping her to ask for her help with an upgrade the following week, she was the last to arrive, instead of the first.

So much for that particular 'habit'.

I like Yuki's viewpoint segment.  Perhaps "since everyone had come to the clubroom"?

QuoteThat aside, as much as she had enjoyed spending time with both Tsuruya (unexpected, but incredibly pleasant) and Kyon the night before, she recognized an opportunity when she opened the clubroom door and found him already seated. Haruhi was to his right, and Kanae was to his left.

Since those two prime seats were taken, Yuki resolved to try something that she'd seen Mikuru do before. Since seats were limited, even if there were technically enough, and he'd wolfed down most of his lunch already, she set her bento on the table and then took the seat she'd planned on taking.

The slider gasped in response, looking envious. "Ah, Nagato-san...." she mumbled.

"Hmm, I'll allow it," Haruhi decreed, nodding. "That's insanely cute! Can you just imagine her sitting like that and reading a book?"

Okay, this comes at least 3rd for "best scene" this chapter. ^_^ Yuki's really making an effort to apply the various types of "courting" behavior she's observed, isn't she?  Poor Koizumi, the others make it really hard to maintain a "professional" demeanor, don't they?  At least he has a girlfriend of his own to commisemerate with him. 

I liked the "slice of life" segment with the "normal" classmates.  I agree that ignorance is bliss, for Yanagimoto and co.  I feel for Taniguchi, he just couldn't win that one.  Though, this "study group" Kunikida is supposedly attending worries me.  It sounds like his "Uncle" has drawn him deeper into things than he really should feel comfortable with.  Hmm, I wouldn't be surprised if Kunikida ends up coincidentally at a certain Pachinko Parlor. 

Quote from: Specular on August 27, 2012, 10:27:17 PM

QuoteThough, when everyone came to the clubroom anyway, that issue was largely circumvented -- though thanks to the president of the computer research society stopping her to ask for her help with an upgrade the following week, she was the last to arrive, instead of the first.

IIRC, the president of the computer research society mentioned at some point that he won't be able to hold the position for long after his graduation. It occurs to me that if the members of the computer society recently elected a new president, said guy introducing himself to Yuki at lunchtime could serve as an excuse to explain her uncharacteristic tardiness in this chapter.

It could, but I'm thinking the current president can probably stick around until the start of summer vacation.

Quote from: Specular on August 27, 2012, 10:27:17 PM

Quote
"W...what?" the figure on the left managed, eyes widening as he stared in confusion.  The other figure blinked, his mouth dropping open a short distance.  "You--"  He paused, looking around.  Probably because of the parlor's reputation, no one was within easy earshot.  "You're claiming to be the fiance of the legendary Kowa-Keigo Kyon?" he scoffed, looking doubtful.

fiance → fiancee/fiancée

Oops. :p  Thanks for the catch!

Quote from: Specular on August 27, 2012, 10:27:17 PMIf I may make a suggestion, one way to keep track of how a group of characters address each other is indexing the information in a table with addresser and addressee as its axes.

I probably should.  It's a pretty big table by this point, though.  :p

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMIt was nice to have some backstory for Shinobu, but her personal story didn't really serve as an allegory for Haruka's situation for my part.  I do get the "even the best intentions can have unintended consequences", and that Haruka's background as a leader, and cultural influences would predispose her to deal with problems "on the quiet side".    I'm not surprised that Shinobu has  been running interference between the Kyon-tachi and Tsuruya-sama, but it is somewhat uncommon for the father to have caught on that more were involved than just his daughter and prospective son-in-law.

It wasn't supposed to be a perfect allegory.  It was more, "People can do things they regret," and largely an excuse to cover Shinobu's backstory -- since I know there were a lot of questions about it.

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMSasaki I think will manage to adjust in no time at all, to be being one of the "Kyon Girls".  Nice touch I feel to have Tsuruya bring up the confrontation on the beach again.

Yeah, I can imagine someone with Sasaki's stance and generally logical approach adjusting pretty quickly....

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PM

Quote"Being entirely honest, it seems fair and reasonable," he answered slowly, one hand going behind his head as he stared at the blank television screen. "Um, my thoughts are that ... really ... explaining things to you is something that we must inevitably do. It's ... difficult to know where to begin, though. Well -- as far as things go, I'd be happy to bring you in."

This seems a bit awkward, at first it seems to me that Kyon was answering Tsuruya with his first line of dialogue, and then without transition, he's addressing Sasaki with the rest.

Okay, I'll work on that a bit.

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMI wouldn't have expected Sasaki to be interested in watching anime, but she's expressed loneliness, and a desire to find more points of contact with her aquaintances in other scenes, so it turns into a nice bonding scene with Haruhi.  Especially with her interest in Kyon's own taste in anime. =)

Step by step. :p

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PM

QuoteAfter the crazy week he'd had, and the new responsibilities he'd picked up -- important ones, though -- from Haruhi, Kyon was convinced he was finally going to have a single good day in the current week. Just one! Was that so much to ask for?

I find this bit somewhat unclear.  Is Kyon convinced  he _will_ finally have a good day, or is he _wishing_ for just one good day?

It's a PoV effect.  He strongly wants to believe.  I guess it doesn't work for you?

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMI like the way that Tsuruya and Yuki interact with each other in a different way than Tsuruya and Haruhi.  It begins to define the interpersonal relationships between the Kyon & the Girls as more than Kyon + Girls(Yuri).  I do see Haruhi being "equal opportunity" when sharing physical affection, though I don't know if all of the girls will accept her advances.  Haruka and Kanamae have already done so, but it remains to be seen how far Yuki, Mikuru, and Sasaki want to go.  Somehow, I don't think Mikuru will escape her clutches. =)  That could serve as another lesson in setting and accepting personal boundaries though.  I imagine Kyon and Haruhi serving as the foci for strongly intimate activities, sort of an love ellipse?  =)

In this kind of setup, the yuri is pretty strongly implied.  I can easily see Haruhi being more willing to go that direction, and Tsuruya and Kanae as well.  The others, well, I think I'll probably generally leave that to everyone's imagination, but it's probably inevitable any time there's more girls than Kyon and....

So, yeah. <_<;

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PM...I am not touching that last line of Nonoko's.  =P           I freely admit this scene is my favorite, though Taniguchi-baka's performance comes a close second.  I think Kanae's gotten a lot more inspiration for her doujinshi just now. 

XD

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMDaaww.  Hmm, maybe a new 3 Monkeys mode for little Achakura?  Hear no Echi, See no Echi, Speak no EchI?  ^_^

Kyon: "A new mode might be good, yeah."
Yuki: "Recording mode, activate."
Kyon: "That's ... not what I had...."
Tsuruya: "Oooh~!  Can we watch together, Yuki-nyan?"
Kyon: "...I'm really tempted to have Ryouko record that, suddenly."

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMThe WAFF, it is over 9000!  Yes, Nonoko is frighteningly precocious, and Ryouko only makes her more potent.  His mother is depressingly good at taking the fun out of things, isn't she. 

I just had a thought- I assume that Yuki has been "cleaning up" after the girls?  Kyon's mother hasn't made any unfortunate discoveries of "foreign" hairs when cleaning his bedding.  Or has it been simply dumb luck?  I don't remember if you were sticking to "Anime" hair coloring, but long hairs are going to stand out regardless of color.  Several different colored strands of hair?  That would just excacerbare things. 

Now that would be awkward.  I was more thinking that she wouldn't look that closely, and would just attribute it to his friends being over.

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMIs Kyon feeling down?  "subdued" gives that impression.  Perhaps a different word, "casual"?

He is, a little.  He hasn't figured out how to get everyone to Hinamizawa as Haruhi ordered him to.  He's been distracted.

And Mikuru forgot to tell him she has it covered.

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMWell, okay, it seems his "good morning wake up" _has_ already worn off.  I'd have thought that little scene with Haruhi and Kanae would have pepped him up for the morning.  That seems like quite the mood swing.  I can see that "reality" could rear its ugly head on the way to school (an activity depressing in and of itself =P), but the transition between "What a way to wake up" and "Life, don't talk to me about Life" I find somewhat sudden.

It's been very slow, but part of the recent overarching theme has been that Kyon is actually having a hell of a stressful week.  The constant Sasaki kidnappings, sister almost getting hurt facing extra-dimensional invaders, Haruhi blowing up at Tsuruya, tasks he can't figure out how to accomplish....

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMA nice detail to slip in, to remind us that future has awesome stuff.

Also a reminder that she forgot to tell Kyon. :p

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMI like Yuki's viewpoint segment.  Perhaps "since everyone had come to the clubroom"?

Sure.

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMOkay, this comes at least 3rd for "best scene" this chapter. ^_^ Yuki's really making an effort to apply the various types of "courting" behavior she's observed, isn't she?  Poor Koizumi, the others make it really hard to maintain a "professional" demeanor, don't they?  At least he has a girlfriend of his own to commisemerate with him. 

I liked the "slice of life" segment with the "normal" classmates.  I agree that ignorance is bliss, for Yanagimoto and co.  I feel for Taniguchi, he just couldn't win that one.  Though, this "study group" Kunikida is supposedly attending worries me.  It sounds like his "Uncle" has drawn him deeper into things than he really should feel comfortable with.  Hmm, I wouldn't be surprised if Kunikida ends up coincidentally at a certain Pachinko Parlor. 

Ah, Taniguchi. XD

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMI was wondering, assuming that Haruhi and Sasaki's "awakenings" have parallels, if Sasaki might recall a familiar looking stranger(s) that helped her during time of crisis?  She said, I believe, that she had an episode where she had been "truly angry", and to avoid feeling that way again, began to supress her emotions.  Well, a behavior that many children have exhibited in times of emotional turmoil, is to run away from home.  Perhaps Kyon, and Mikuru (perhaps even Haruhi?) travelled back in time to bring a young Sasaki back home (because she happens to remember that someone similiar to them did so), and leave her with a message that helps to convince her to accept the strange, fantastic, and wonderfull into her life again?

Hmmm.  I'd never really thought of that.  It'd be a good way to justify Sasaki's personality shift from canon.  I'll have to think aboutit!  Thanks for the suggestion. :P

Quote from: GeshronTyler on August 29, 2012, 06:17:11 PMAn enjoyable chapter, I've been anticipating it for a while.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D