[Haruhi][Downer] memento mori

[Brian]

Hmm.  I broke out of the 'd' themed names.

Here's a story that I decided to post anyway.  As a warning, most people who heard of the premise didn't want to read it as the story wasn't happy enough.

Well, I aimed for the most uplifting end the scenario allowed. :x

Edit: Updated with grammar corrections.

[Xsen]

You know... Sorry for saying that, but sometimes I really want to smack you for good for all the emotions you make me live through while I'm reading, for being that good in writing... Well, at least in my eyes.

I really hope you never had to go through anything related to this fic's setting. I hope I never would.

Thank you very much for this piece.

[Brian]

I'm glad you found it to be of some worth. :)

[Korsar13]

mm03: "Under my own power, I was able to walk to the MRI room with Kyon and Yamada-sensei."
Haruhi and Yamada-sensei?

[Brian]

Haruhi and Yamada-sensei?

Oops -- that is correct.  Thanks for catching that. :)

[Grahf]

I wouldn't call this outright depressing. Bittersweet as all hell, yes, but not depressing. At least that's the impression I got after reading it. Kind of reminded me of the original ending of Later, actually.

Some random thoughts:

Spoiler: ShowHide

I was mildly confused during the scene where Kyon learns that his illness comes from natural causes. I thought briefly that the line "Who can take care of this problem for me?" was spoken and not just thought. Since no one else mentioned it being a problem though I think it was just me.

One thing that stuck out to me was the lack of a scene alone with regular Mikuru. I'm guessing that the scene with the adult Mikuru is meant to be the closure scene with her, but I felt that it was kind of out of place for her younger self to not spend a minute or two alone with Kyon to say goodbye.

Those are just minor quibbles though. Overall I'd have to say that it's another provocative work, and a good one at that.

[Brian]

Hmmm....

Spoiler: ShowHide

I wasn't really sure how to fit in a scene of the younger Mikuru, but the idea was that Kyon was able to eventually give her closure through her older self.  Not ... sure if I can fit something in with Mikuru that feels right.

I'll think about that a bit.

Thanks for the comments, Grahf!

[Muphrid]

Some comments on the prologue and chapter one:

Prologue:

But no sooner had I thought that and taken my seat then Haruhi shook her head firmly.  "That's enough of that," she declared, looking around the club room before she had even switched the computer on.  "Hmm, I like the fact that we've made this place our own--  We've certainly made our mark!  But we ,musn't let it get too cluttered."

Mustn't?

"The shopping center by Kouyouen station has a donation center," she explained patiently.  "Whatever they don't accept you will take home and store until later."

Capitalize to "Station"?


Kyon's two moments of disorientation before the big one hits seems like an appropriate level of showing without beating it into the ground.  I wonder if this makes Rule of Three a generally good precept to follow?


Chapter One:

One moment the world around me was tumbling apart, and the next I was blinking and staring up at the overhead lights and laying in a bed.  How had that happened?  Where was the sensible transition?  That was the point where someone would demand their money back, wasn't it?  I certainly wanted to be reimbursed!

I think this might run afoul of lie vs. lay?

"We're going to scan for likely culprits," the doctor explained, sighing, eyes dropping to the floor.  "Possibly a clot, or evidence of an intacranial hematoma."

Intracranial?

Pentagon, boat, house.

...
Pentacle, boat, home.

Interesting he doesn't even come up with a real word for the first one when he's responding.

The doctor's gaze turned toward the window.  "I'm ... hesitant to guess, but I know how important an answer is to you.  And that's going to be ... a week," he answered.  "At that point, the dysmyelination will reach the adrenal medulla, the vagus nerve...."  He trailed off and gave a short shake of his head.  "Your heart will continue to beat, but the portion of your brain responsible for controlling your breathing will shut down, and from there it will spread.

One week to live.  It almost seems surreal.  I won't say it's unbelievable because biology is full of unbelievable thing, but wow, I can think of few things more gut-wrenching than to hear that not only are you terminal, but your remaining life is measured on the order of days instead of weeks, months, or years.

Then again, saying that this is the untreated prognosis (even without guarantees after treatment), mitigates this somewhat.

"You can take your meals on trays," the nurse interrupted, smiling gently.  "We'll make let you eat with your friend, as long as you clean up when you're done."

Probably just "let", I expect.


Interesting that Kyon's natural conclusion is that he was tampered with; it's like, despite the doctor's assertion that it started with puberty, Kyon is not willing to believe such a drastic occurrence could be anything but foul play.

Haruhi's behavior thus far is not unexpected, but it's sweet to see her soften her edge a bit given the seriousness of Kyon's state.

[Brian]

ut we ,musn't let it get too cluttered."

Mustn't?

I ... think so.

"The shopping center by Kouyouen station has a donation center," she explained patiently.  "Whatever they don't accept you will take home and store until later."

Capitalize to "Station"?

Hmm, I think you're right.

Kyon's two moments of disorientation before the big one hits seems like an appropriate level of showing without beating it into the ground.  I wonder if this makes Rule of Three a generally good precept to follow?

Hard to say. :x  If it works, I'm glad for that!

One moment the world around me was tumbling apart, and the next I was blinking and staring up at the overhead lights and laying in a bed.  How had that happened?  Where was the sensible transition?  That was the point where someone would demand their money back, wasn't it?  I certainly wanted to be reimbursed!

I think this might run afoul of lie vs. lay?

From what I can see, 'lay' is correct (the past-tense form of 'lie').  I usually write in present tense when I do first-person, but I've been trying to shift away from that.  Of course, it's 'laying', not 'lay', but....  Hmm.  I'll have to research that further.

"We're going to scan for likely culprits," the doctor explained, sighing, eyes dropping to the floor.  "Possibly a clot, or evidence of an intacranial hematoma."

Intracranial?

Er....  I think so.  It appears 'intacranial' is a relatively wide-spread misspelling.  :\

Pentagon, boat, house.

...
Pentacle, boat, home.

Interesting he doesn't even come up with a real word for the first one when he's responding.

It's a real word.  The idea was to have Kyon be thematically close, without being spot on.

One week to live.  It almost seems surreal.  I won't say it's unbelievable because biology is full of unbelievable thing, but wow, I can think of few things more gut-wrenching than to hear that not only are you terminal, but your remaining life is measured on the order of days instead of weeks, months, or years.

Then again, saying that this is the untreated prognosis (even without guarantees after treatment), mitigates this somewhat.

Yeah....  It's harsh. :(

"You can take your meals on trays," the nurse interrupted, smiling gently.  "We'll make let you eat with your friend, as long as you clean up when you're done."

Probably just "let", I expect.

Was supposed to be, "make an exception and let"

Not sure how I mangled that. o_O;

Interesting that Kyon's natural conclusion is that he was tampered with; it's like, despite the doctor's assertion that it started with puberty, Kyon is not willing to believe such a drastic occurrence could be anything but foul play.

Well, I'm not actually a huge fan of the DABDA model, but Kyon's got some defensible reasons to feel it's supernatural in origin, given his experiences.

Haruhi's behavior thus far is not unexpected, but it's sweet to see her soften her edge a bit given the seriousness of Kyon's state.

I'm glad that worked.  The story's just as much about her handling it as Kyon, so....

Thanks for the feedback, Muphrid!

[JonBob]

C&C ready for deployment!

Spoiler: ShowHide

How are you doing?" I asked,

Chapter 2, missing opening parentheses.

For probably the first time, I wished Koizumi was around to discuss these philisophical issues with.

Chapter 3, this line feels slightly odd after Koizumi just left. It still works on its own, but perhaps a slight reference to the recently departed esper?

"Koizumi will bring our assignments to use later, anyway.

"use" -> "us"?

Hadn't I once done similar to her?

"done something similar to"?

I stared at the cieling of the room.

Ceiling.

If this treatement attempt is no good, though....

Treatment

Oh Koizumi and Kyon, having coughing fits and medication side effects...

... we shouldn't, since you're in isoluation."

Isolation

She was tsrapped between saying...

Chapter 4, trapped.

"How-- How could you?!" she shrilled, shaking me with her reaction.

Hmm, it's possibly just me, but the "shaking me" was initially interpreted as physically shaking Kyon. Maybe change it to "rattling"?

Nee-san was my brother,

Chapter 5. Uh... should it be Nii-san or some other way to reference Kyon?

So don't be like him -- finish your homework on time, and be diligent in your studies

No comma?

I said to mom one day at breakfast

Capitalize "mom"?

I knew Mom wanted me to look at is as a challenge

"look at it"?

One question that I kept having about the isolation was the lack of communication Kyon is experiencing. Wouldn't the hospital allow phones (even hard-line) or computers to converse with others outside the room? Or does it not really matter since he's sleeping so much?

I do agree with Grahf that Small Mikuru didn't really get a good scene with Kyon. Not sure how to work that in with Big Mikuru as well, but it might be nice.

Overall, a nice poignant piece on how loss could come to the SOS brigade and how they deal with it and get through it.

[Brian]

C&C ready for deployment!

Sorry for the delay in replying.  I've been weighed down by this cold....

Spoiler: ShowHide

I didn't comment on most of the stuff where I just took your corrections.

For probably the first time, I wished Koizumi was around to discuss these philisophical issues with.

Chapter 3, this line feels slightly odd after Koizumi just left. It still works on its own, but perhaps a slight reference to the recently departed esper?

Added a 'still'.

Hadn't I once done similar to her?

"done something similar to"?

No, that one's actually right. :)

I stared at the cieling of the room.

Ceiling.

Ugh.  I was certain I spell-checked. >_<

"How-- How could you?!" she shrilled, shaking me with her reaction.

Hmm, it's possibly just me, but the "shaking me" was initially interpreted as physically shaking Kyon. Maybe change it to "rattling"?

That works!

Nee-san was my brother,

Chapter 5. Uh... should it be Nii-san or some other way to reference Kyon?

Unless this suddenly became a genderflipped fic. >_<

So don't be like him -- finish your homework on time, and be diligent in your studies

No comma?

Sure.

I knew Mom wanted me to look at is as a challenge

"look at it"?

Yep.

One question that I kept having about the isolation was the lack of communication Kyon is experiencing. Wouldn't the hospital allow phones (even hard-line) or computers to converse with others outside the room? Or does it not really matter since he's sleeping so much?

Mostly it doesn't matter since he's sleeping so much.

I do agree with Grahf that Small Mikuru didn't really get a good scene with Kyon. Not sure how to work that in with Big Mikuru as well, but it might be nice.

Yeah, I still couldn't come up with anything for that. :x

Overall, a nice poignant piece on how loss could come to the SOS brigade and how they deal with it and get through it.

Glad it worked for you.

Thanks very much for the comments!