The Missing Hokage Challenge

[Brian]

So, I have heard many times about the 'Missing Hokage' challenge, but never actually had a chance to look at it.  I read it today, and now, if you've missed it before, you can, too!:

Spoiler: ShowHide

There is a rather substantial sub-group in Naruto fiction. You've all read them. They are those stories where, right after trying to prevent the beloved Uchiha's defection, Konoha throws Naruto out.

I've recently become tired enough of that whole genre to issue to a challenge.

The Missing Hokage challenge.

We all know how Tsunade only returned to Konoha because of Naruto. Well, in this case, the start of the divergence is when the council starts to get all huffy, overruling her about the boy so they can banish him, Tsunade DOES NOT just sit back and take it like a little lost lamb.

If they are throwing out the reason she returned to town in the first place, she goes with him. Thus, you have the Missing Hokage, as Tsunade just packs up and walks out of town with Naruto. Shizune, Tonton and Hinata all trailing along.

But she's smart enough not to leave without first using that Hokage stamp to her advantage. 'Team Hokage' are pardoned of all past crimes, released from all future obligations, and are walking out with several notable treasures, including the Scroll of Forbidden Seals and a sizable fraction of the town's treasury - all released to herself under her authority as Hokage.

If they want to treat her family like crap, she can return that favor.

Things to happen in this challenge:

One, Tsunade took the hat with her.

Two, she takes both Naruto and Hinata on as her apprentices, after promoting both to chunin on her authority as Hokage. Naruto goes through some extreme, and probably ongoing, chakra control training, but both Naruto and Hinata start powering up, learning her strength and medical techniques.

Three, Tsunade and Shizune start studying from the Scroll of Forbidden Seals, and secrets from it are held out as rewards to the two kids for successfully completing bits of their medical training.

Four, the group goes through a period of being wandering treasure hunters, like Indiana Jones, but ninja. They can move through any countries or encounter any characters the author likes while doing this. One preferred treasure hunt is to penetrate a certain castle and RETRIEVE, not destroy, the Lizard summoning contract held within.

Five, One of the things they walked out with was Sarutobi's Monkey Summoning contract. Holding multiple summon contracts is possible, but most people have no reason to, not even having enough chakra to summon one boss, let alone need many.

Six, because of their skills and treasures (both taken from Konoha and recovered on hunts), ALL of the Hidden Villages, major and minor, are trying to get the Missing Hokage to settle down in their village. Some use fair means like persuassion and incentives, others play foul.

Seven, the Kitsune Clan bloodline from my fic, Chunin Exam Day, is available for Naruto and Hinata if you want to use it. That includes the regeneration, chakra boost, nearly prehensile tail and parabolic ears, although if you can find a way to add Wood or Ice you are welcome to them.

Eight, this should be a Naruto/Hinata matchup, though harems are also acceptible.

Back around town, the following should happen:

One, people are very upset, for any number of reasons. People, especially Team 7 (whether Sasuke was retrieved or not), who expected things to get better with Naruto gone are disappointed. If anything, stuff they expected to improve with Naruto gone are going the other way.

Two, with no one doing the paperwork, Konoha's infrastructure and mission assignments are doing poorly.

Three, in response to number two, above, the village council that drove her away eventually decides to revoke Tsunade's title of Hokage for extreme dereliction of duty (this, after her face is at least partly carved onto the monument). In her place, they appoint Jiraiya, this time successfully getting him to accept the post.

Four, Jiraiya tries to get the council to revoke their decree of banishment on Naruto. They refuse. He points out that they have now directly opposed four of the six Hokages they've ever had on this issue. The Fourth wanted him to be seen as a hero, the Third wanted him treated better, the Fifth left town with him when they banished him, and now Jiraiya, the Sixth, wants him back and they won't agree. When they still refuse, he pulls almost an identical exit to Tsunade's, leaving town with a few genin and loads of treasures to go join up with Tsunade. He takes the newly made replacement hat with him.

Five, soon after the departure of the Sixth Hokage, they appoint a Seventh: Kakashi.

Six, although Kakashi stays in town, ALL of his bad habits as a genin teacher carry over to his tenure as Hokage, and between his extreme lateness and laziness, having Kakashi as Hokage is almost no better than having no Hokage at all. The town is going to pieces, the clans are unhappy, and NOBODY can do any missions because the paperwork on everything is so far behind. Konoha literally starts going to pieces, and some factions become desperate to get one of their missing Hokages back.

Note that this challenge was produced by Perfect Lionheart, and is copied here with his implied permission as per his request for acknowledgement.

Okay.  Now that that's done, the next part will also be in spoilers, just in case you end up glancing at it before you have a chance to become familiar with the Challenge.

Yeah, that's right.  I'm a jerk.

Spoiler: ShowHide

And now back to me.

Again, until today, I'd heard of the Challenge, but never actually read it -- nor did I read any fic based on it.  This actually came up after discussion on Chunin Exam Day prompting Time Braid.

I've now read the Challenge, and I have to admit I'm pretty staggered.

Now, to be fair, it's hardly the first time a 'challenge' has been issued that is not actually a challenge at all, but instead a not-so-subtle, "Someone write this for me!"  But at least the other guys had the grace to try to be subtle, in the manner of someone trying to figure out if they can score weed off anyone in town, because they haven't gotten high in like, six hours, maaaaaaaaan.

Like most 'not-really-a-challenge' challenges, the Challenge is far too limiting in structure to allow an author genuine creativity in their approach.  That wouldn't automatically make it a terrible thing -- certain limitations can actually encourage more creativity in trying to work around the limitations.  Except, this particular example is so flagrantly restraining the only way to work around the limitations would be to actively subvert them.

There was a time I'll admit I'd have been spiteful enough to do it -- follow the literal letter of the request--  sorry--  Challenge and see how badly I could subvert the spirit.  Actually put effort into it.

But I don't believe at this point it's the kind of effort this deserves; the only way I could see a whole and complete story coming out of this Challenge is if someone paid someone else to write it.  I would have to think any competent author who also had the ability to see it through to the end would just have better ideas -- even if those 'better ideas' were literally gutting the framework and dropping half of the ill-conceived requirements into the gutter they belong in.  Let's face it, such a disembowelment would be an improvement!

If someone legitimately intended to see this thing through to the grim and bloody end, the amount of character growth and background to justify it in a fic would call for either an utterly bizarre style, or (just guessing) several hundred thousand words to get the story to the point where the author had the freedom to do anything original within the rigid framework!

But then it gets creepily fetish-ey.

No, this has nothing to do with the furry aspects (per-se).  That doesn't bother me, beyond the absurdity and self-aggrandizement of linking to the author's previous work.  Though I believe I have just cheapened both the words 'author' and 'work' with that statement.  My bad.

There's so much blatant (painfully, painfully blatant), power inflation going on it's absurd, and what good is a Challenge when it's got baked-in character bashing?  Yes, we get it.  Kakashi supported Sasuke (who you hate), and didn't support Naruto (who you want to be/overwrite).  Yes, we get that you want vaguely defined generic bad guys who you can't bother to specify to be responsible for everything, while everyone you actively dislike ends up sad or shown to be utterly incompetent.

Where is the dramatic tension in this Challenge?  It could be in Tsunade's group being harassed by people who want to recruit them by force, but then, why do we give a damn about Konoha being included at all?  Jiraya GTFOs just like Tsunade?  Even less fucks to give!

Assuming a Konoha somehow stupid enough to repeatedly appoint Hokage that aren't figureheads, and for some reason just not even using Danzo at all?  Perhaps there is some leeway if this predates Danzo's introduction, but still -- no appointing villains at all, and nothing to provide genuine conflict beyond, "Some people may want to recruit Tsunade's team"?

It's a framework of 'good guys' getting power-ups in a world that lacks antagonists.  Incompetents.  Incompetists?

It's like ... wish fulfillment to the power of wish-fulfillment.  "I want a power fantasy, where everything goes the way I want it, there are no real challenges, and hell, I'm too lazy to even write it for myself, so I want someone else to do that, too!"

Parts of this could have been an idea, but it's so repulsively covered in the author's drool that all I can see is something sad and repugnant.  After reading through the Challenge and realizing it for what it was, I feel like I just unwittingly witnessed public masturbation ... or worse, someone soliciting others to help him complete the act.  Except that in a literary sense ... that's exactly what just happened.

I need an adult, and I can show the court on a doll exactly where this Challenge touched me.

How did this actually get people to seriously respond and try to write it?

...and now, since you've read this far ... what are your thoughts?

[alethiophile]

Well, in all fairness to the guy, it's not as if he's doing this because he's incapable of writing bad wish-fulfillment Naruto fic full of character bashing, because that's demonstrably not true. :P

[Dracos]

The Court accepts this as evidence.

But does not spare the ridicule of random forumers on a superior site. :)

[Grahf]

As you said, it's far, far too much work to actually go through with a fic made specifically to lampoon how utterly ridiculous this set of rules is to attempt to fulfill. That being said, I have some extremely stupid ideas that sprang into mind upon reading your post:

• After Kakashi is fired for incompetence (because sure why not I guess), the council decides that since they already tried with two of the legendary sanin that they might as well invite Orochimaru to be the next hokage. No, his character hasn't changed at all whatsoever, why would it? Yes, he's still a wanted criminal, or some such thing. But apparently in this challenge they would simply be that desperate for leadership.
• Tsunade's group, and possibly Jiraya's, but especially Tsunade's, get into trouble as they turn down offers from the villages, even ones that are trying to be nice. As it becomes more and more obvious that the group is becoming a bunch of Mary-Sue WMDs of epic proportion, the fourth great ninja war is undertaken ... against the main characters.
• Kakashi, in the meanwhile, irate over his dismissal, defects to join Akatsuki, or at least attempt to. Tobi, who may or may not be Obito or whoever the hell else in this circumstance, sees this opportunity to use himself, Kakashi, and Itachi to revive the Uchiha bloodline. YES, I know that Kakashi isn't an Uchiha. That's why it's such a good idea.

I need to go now. I think I hurt myself on some fundamental level.

Fixed: due to me being dumb.

[Arakawa]

Mostly the challenge specifies a bunch of stuff that has to happen, without giving any clue as to what ridiculous half-baked explanation has to occur for things to actually happen that way. This is why wrong writing (sorry, fortuitously apt typo) the actual fic would indeed be a 'challenge'.

All I can think of, looking at the above, is that maybe Danzo or someone digs up an incredibly ancient artifact that turns out to be the legendary cursed Extra Strength Idiot Ball. (Thereby explaining most of this nonsense at a single stroke.) Tsunade can't actually get rid of it, so she leaves Konoha with its jinchuuriki (the most dangerous sort of person to keep around in a village that's collectively holding an Idiot Ball), and they do the Indiana Jones thing to search for an artefact that can neutralize the idiocy, before it descends to the point that Hokage Kakashi tells all the ANBU to start running around with scissors.

[Jason_Miao]

So, I have heard many times about the 'Missing Hokage' challenge, but never actually had a chance to look at it.  I read it today, and now, if you've missed it before, you can, too!:

I suggest amending the original spoiler to put the name of the writer up front.  That way, people who are also unfamiliar with the "challenge" but may be familiar with writers who get mysteriously hacked by their own fans will not have to spend time actually reading through that whole part.

Okay.  Now that that's done, the next part will also be in spoilers, just in case you end up glancing at it before you have a chance to become familiar with the Challenge.

Yeah, that's right.  I'm a jerk.

Oh, you did that on purpose. 

Jerk. :)

That doesn't bother me, beyond the absurdity and self-aggrandizement of linking to the author's previous work.  Though I believe I have just cheapened both the words 'author' and 'work' with that statement.  My bad.

My understanding of the term is that traditionally, authors are only those whose works are published.  Self-published works were lumped in, since that was too small of a fraction to matter.  Since the internet became popular, "self-publishing" became cheap, the distinction between author and writer is pretty dead anyway.

I still personally draw the distinction between author and writer as requiring editorial reviews and such, but that's not where the rest of the world draws the line these days.

Parts of this could have been an idea,

I've made this criticism of you before, and I'll make it again: you're far too kind. :p

There's an idea buried somewhere in this?

How did this actually get people to seriously respond and try to write it?

Because ff.net is an echo chamber where criticism is disapproved.  And possibly because the writer is well-known for astroturfinghackers using his IP address praising his writing, thereby luring unwary writing newbies into taking what he says seriously because "he has so many fans, he must be doing something right!"

[VySaika]

Yeah, this is just a blatant "write this for me!" plea, thinly disguised as a challenge rather then a request. Probably because he's allergic to asking nicely for something, is my guess.

I do have to ask though, Grahf uses the phrase "Mary-Sue WMGs". While I know what a mary sue is, I'm not familiar with the term WMG. What does that stand for/mean?

[Brian]

I guessing he got Wild Mass Guessing transposed with Weapon of Mass Destruction. >_>;

Oh, you did that on purpose. 

Jerk. :)

:D

[Grahf]

Ugh, I need to not post at four in the morning.

[VySaika]

Heh, no problem. Thanks for clearing it up!

[Dracos]

Ugh, I need to not post at four in the morning.

Your four in the morning is our later laughter over nothing really done wrong :)

[Rezantis]

Randomly:  I had a good laugh about Chuunin Exam Day, because I read a few chapters of it a while back and immediately knew who wrote it.  Then I read a while longer, because it was just so damn funny.

I'll note that I think you were quite remiss in not providing a link to some of the things that have been written for that challenge, so I'll do it for you.  One of them is actually a crossover between the challenge and a linkin park video.

http://www.fanfiction.net/community/The-Missing-Hokage-Library/31691/

All I really need to say, I think, is this:

You have debated me to a standstill.  I cannot refute your points.