[DiviDead/Shingetsutan Tsukihime] Eyes of Truth -- Prologue

[Brian]

Well, this was my Swan Song to the FFML (I guess Donberry's (http://www.pishoque.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=665) was more spectacular, but, hey).  And think of it; I never even told the FFML that this was my final post.

Or a prologue.

Or which series it was!

http://www.rakhal.com/durandall/secret/eot.txt

[Dracos]

Quite a number of grammar mistakes.  Overall, a standard small prologue.  I await something that whets my appetite better ^_^.  I can go through it later when you have the time. ^_^

Dracos

[Anastasia]

Yeah.

To be honest, as I'm rather throughly lost on this....yeah. I want to say something, but what can I say? Write more of it first.

I'll leave any grammar things to Dracos, since he showed interest in doing it.

[Brian]

Updated.  Somewhat.

Now would be the time to send out some grammar suggestions.  I think the 'stupid' from round one is blocking me.

[DB]

finally getting to this now that I'm familiar with one of the series:

>
>>
>     Clear skies revealed the city below, its own noisy light drowning
> out the starry heavens and the full moon above.  Towards the outskirts
> of the city, on the upper hillsides where civilization had just begun
> encroaching on the wilderness, a wind stirred.  It wound its way
> cautiously through the branches of old trees, through the skeletal
> frames of buildings that were still under construction.
>
>     The wind bore the faintest scent of blood.  Of hatred.  Of ...
> wrongness.

Nice way to set the mood.

>
>     Thickening like a tangible thing, the breeze slowed, swirling, and
> darkening until it formed a slowly rotating mass dark enough to hide
> whatever lay within from both the light of the moon and the light of the
> city that sprawled below.

I'd be more colorful in language rather than just saying 'light... light'. 'dull glow of humanity' for the second or somesuch. Perhaps something else for the first. It'll help set the mood.

>
>     It contracted briefly, from the span of an entire rooftop, to

not sure if you need that comma

merely
> twice the size of a man.  It began to whirl more violently, then
> suddenly drew back, revealing a form in the center of the wind.  It drew

used 'drew' twice, I'd change one of them.

> back cautiously, slowing its movement.
>
>     Unclad, he slumped to his knees, eyes closed, and put his hands
> before him, kneeling, to steady himself.
>
>     A single line of dark wind brushed his cheek, ruffled his hair, and
> then drew back.

another 'drew' here.

He would have been taller than most men his apparent
> age.

Pretty much saying that's not his age, then. :)

Young, but in his twenties.  His hair was short, but longer than
> most businessmen would wear theirs.  

businessmen? That seems like an odd comparison.

His build was more muscular than an
> average man, but less developed than an athlete.

That's better.

>
>     The wind intensified, and the man stood, closing his eyes again, and
> throwing his head back, his face to the moon.  The darkness enveloped
> him, covering everything but his fingertips for a long minute, and when
> it drew back, he was dressed in a clean suit, gray as his hair.  His
> eyes opened, again, still shining the color of blood.

Man: Boy, do I need some Visine to get this red out.

>
>     He nodded, staring out across the bright city.  He glanced behind
> him at the dark swirling force, and frowned.  "There's--"  He cut off
> abruptly as a single tendril of darkness separated from the rest of the
> mass, and settled into

into or onto?

>
>     The whirling force rose above the rooftop, as though to vanish back
> into the forest that had birthed it, then paused, and swirled around the
> man one last time, leaving a large duffel bag behind as it vanished.  
> "Thank you, Mother," the man whispered as the wind faded.

She does seem to provide well, doesn't she? :)

>
>
>     The late afternoon sun seemed dim, before it even began to set.  
> Thin light filtering in through the windows of the room, seeming

Two 'seemed/ing' close together. I'd change one

only
> barely to illuminate it.

I'd change to 'barely illumiunating' more precise and easier to understand while still getting the message across.

There were two figures within.

>     The other, a nondescript young man with glasses and brown hair, sat
> on the other bed, watching her warily.  He was dressed in a dark
> high-school uniform, and held a knife in one hand, the blade folded away
> neatly into the handle.
>
>     "Why is this happening to me?" he asked quietly.  "What's going on
> here?"

Don't know. Why don't you continue it, Bri? :)