Funnies

[Getzeye]

Just thought i'd post some old e-mail print outs my dad got from a family friend. Got a few lying around when today i stumbled across a few so i decided to spread them around *shrug* Just something to laugh about.

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A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am i doing?" he thought as he pulled over.

The cop came up and took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that i haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice week end," said the officer.

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If you want to add more go a head, i'll just post the ones that i find. *shrug*

[Liddo-kun]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you!"

His wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[Getzeye]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University in South Carolina.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up
with a mic to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many
from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's
and his own family, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing
such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped onto the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was
his figt to everyone and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was a 8 x10 glossy
of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After
just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said ,"Fuck you!", and then turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you too!".

He then turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annuled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair,
this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge..making the bride's parents pay over $32 000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception,
and best of all, trashing the bride and best mans' reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has grapefruits the size of church bells.

Do you think that we might get a MasterCard commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding/reception for 300 family members and friends:  $32 000
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion:  $3 000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:  $8 500
The look on everyones' face when they see a 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man:  PRICELESS!!

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's MASTERCARD.

[Prince Herb]

This, and other fine urban legends can be found at Snopes...

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarras/bothered.htm

[Ragnar]

Ahh, thank you Herb.
A voice of reason shining out in the darkness of the internet.

[Dracos]

...

Folks, the thread was started by folks knowing that these were false.  It wasn't that they were true or not, but that the telling of them is funny.

you know?  'ha ha'?

Dracos

[Prince Herb]

Sure, but give me a break - if a story's up on Snopes, you can assume I've had it copied to me in an e-mail as a "funny" more times than I've had hot dinners, and likely not be far off.   *New* stories would be very welcome.

[Dracos]

That was more at Ragnar than at you.

Posting that it's up on snopes is one thing, but cheering at it just ensures folks are going to question rather than post other stuff that may or may not be new.

Additionally, because you've heard something a million times, doesn't mean even most have.

Dracos
*tired tonight*

[Prince Herb]

*patpats Dracos*

Well, of course not.   But that link to Snopes will provide hours of fun for people who've not been there before, you know.   And afterwards, they will have seen all the stories, know what's old hat, and have an eye for the new.

It's a win-win situation!   Or something.

[Liddo-kun]

I see the skill of killing the funny is not a lost art.  Bravo.

*claps*

[Brian]

SAGE-man sweeps in to save the day.

But he's out sick, so asked me, the mighty DISTRAC-TOR to try and cause you to not notice this.

BEHOLD!:

http://www.abcb.com/laws/

(I think they're funny.)

[Ragnar]

Sorry. Years of people sending me e-mails saying "zoMG LOOK AT THIS!!1!1!" and having something that is completely bogus included have led me to be rather unpleasant to people who pass on urban legends without bothering to check them first.

I just think that when you know the wedding story isn't true, it isn't really funny. It wouldn't go over well if you just told it as a joke, because the funny part is "Ha Ha! I can't believe someone really DID this!"

I guess I'm just so tired of these contrived storied being sent to me that they have ceased to be amusing in the least.