Love & Death - Short Poem

[Soldats]

Hey guys, just thought I'd post this short poem; feel free to rip into it! The more criticism I get, the more I'll hopefully be able to improve ^_^

***

Darkness

It envelops me

Holding me tightly

A deep and comforting embrace

Like a mother cuddling her newborn.



Grief

It nourishes me

Tasting sweet, like the best of honey

But also acrid, like the most nauseating of bile

Filling me, yet I yearn for more.



Death

He is my nemesis

A formidable foe

Instilling great fear in me

For he remains undefeated through the ages.



Solitude

A close friend among strangers

She eases my pains

And shields me from the sufferings

Brought upon by others.



Love

She was my greatest weakness

But in my foolishness, I have lost her

Perhaps one day, I will find her again

And she shall be my greatest strength.



EDIT: Edited the title of the thread and corrected it to my original intention of one "short poem" instead of "short poems".

[Dracos]

Well, in my opinion the greatest weakness of these are that they are way too short.  The style you are writing them in is at odds with the length you are writing.  Short poems are usually a short meaningful line.  These lack both rhythm and really the feeling.

Death accents the flaw in this style most effectively.  I can't see any rhyme there.  No rhythm either.  You open with a premise, and then go no where with it.  The lines feel disjointed overall.  You go far too swiftly through it, removing the strength from your poetry.

At least that's my opinion on it.  I'd try working with a few basic poetic structures before hacking it out freestyle.  That way you get a better idea of what flows well from you.

Fearless Leader

[Soldats]

Thanks for commenting. When I wrote these, I really wasn't trying for any rhythm or rhyme; I was just writing down what I felt at the time. Now that I look these over again now, I can see what you mean. They do jump around quite a bit, without really going anywhere.

I did make a mistake though, I posted this as"short poems"; these should all be counted as one whole poem. This probably won't affect your perception of them, but I just had to clear that up. I had originally planned on writing some more and finishing it up with some kind of concrete conclusion but I haven't been able to come up with one yet.

I will be taking your advice into consideration in the future, but I'm currently too swamped with college work to write anymore. Thanks again for your comments.

BTW, if this hasn't scared off everyone yet... anyone here feel like reading a French poem I wrote? ^^;

[Dracos]

Hum, from that angle this is lacking symmetry then going down the line.  Maybe it was scheduled to achieve it later but it doesn't seem to have a pattern or order in it currently.  I would suggest having all with the same rhythm and general size throughout as changing styles wouldn't work well with such a poem.

I have no problem with a simple french poem.  My french isn't that good though.

Fearless Leader