[Haruhi] The Blunt Force Trauma of Suzumiya Haruhi 04 + EP

[Brian]

Ha! Ru! Hi!

Final chapter + epilogue.

[Sunhawk]

And here I just finished three :-p

[Sunhawk]

And now I've read the whole thing.

Overall impression: Very nice.  Solid ending that fits the story and the series, no noticable flaws or errors.

Although no Yuki/Mikuru kinky showers scenes ;_;

[Liddo-kun]

Sorry, folks.  True love can unmake worlds, but doesn't
seem to do much for your respiratory system.

HAH!  XD

Anyhow, that was truly worth the wait, Brian.

Unfortunately, I now find myself doggedly curious as to how the events will play out in this new world -- specifically the Kyon-Haruhi dynamic.

You'd done such a good job of developing tension in the relationship between Kyon-Mikuru and Kyon-Yuki that I can only sit here and hope that you get the Haruhi writing bug and explore other possibilities in the future as well.

^_^

[Brian]

Hey, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

I've got the sequel mostly planned out, but probably won't start working on it until next week.  Thanks for taking the time to comment. :3

[Anastasia]

Awesome!

---

Past that, more concrete comments. At first you struggled with Kyon's voice and tone. This isn't unsurprising as it's a very unorthodox narrative. Further, you grow into it in the later chapters and make it your own, so it's all good.

Secondly? I like your take on the characters save Haruhi; Noizumi is amusing and cotton candy as ever, Yuki comes across as she does in very small, subtle steps(Bravo for being able to convey that in text form) and Mikuru-wait. Need a full stop here, since my thoughts become more complex. Right, okay. This is something I can see you getting flack for - her sneakier side amuses me to no end on lots of levels. It's also a bit of an extrapolation on the canon, one that I can just -see- someone getting panties in a knot about. I approve of it, but I can so see the fireballs sent to 1000 Brian Lane over the direction.

Anyway, to Haruhi herself. I really dunno about your take on her. It's not -off-, per se, but it didn't draw me in. While you capture a lot of the nuances of the character, Haruhi failed to motivate my interests except as occasional humor against Kyon. This is odd, since Haruhi is my favorite in the show, except for Mikuru's twins. Erm, right, on target, on tangents. Anyway again, maybe it's Haruhi's reduced roll here. Perhaps it's because a lot of her movement obviously doesn't translate to the written word. Maybe it's because her bunny co-damn it. Sorry. Anyway AGAIN, I dunno. She's not bad, just relatively uninspiring.

For the record, I have utterly no opinion on her breakdown at the end. That's the worst part - that sort of climax should either feel right or be rejected and critiqued because it doesn't fit and isn't supported by the author in the work. But I just can't make myself care about her reaction. I'll get into this more below.

As for the plot? Win. No really, it's a witty, logical and well extrapolated twist on the entire Haruhi universe. The way everyone adapts and Kyon finally really starts using his brain is infinitely awesome, the scene at the racetrack is one of my favorite fanfic scenes ever. So just...just...heh. The series gives a lot of unused rope to hang yourself with, and you hung yourself high there. For good, of course. The scenes with Mikuru and Kyon get honorable mentions as well for very obvious reasons.

As an aside before I go on, did you consider Haruhi making Mikuru her girlfriend instead of using Noizumi? <_<

Erm, once again, I digress. Back on subject. The only fizzle is at the end. Maybe I was just going off in another mental direction with what Kyon's plan was going to be, but it felt...just flat. I think this was hurt as well by being printed - the dissapearing world motif would've been far more effective in visual format. More than anything else, it just felt like... maybe I didn't like the answer to the question the fic posed.

Mmm.

All of that aside for good and bad? Great fic and well worth the time. Let's see you write more Haruhi!

I'll even settle for your Mikuru/Yuki shower action! <_<

[Brian]

Mmm.

All of that aside for good and bad? Great fic and well worth the time. Let's see you write more Haruhi!

I'll even settle for your Mikuru/Yuki shower action! <_<

Cool.  I'm glad the fic (mostly) worked for you. ;)

As far as the weak points, I can't revise immediately (maybe later tonight), but what do you think could address those weak point?  I know the ending feels flat -- very rushed -- before the epilogue.  I can add more detail, and actually work on Kyon's relative despair at his situation before everything goes out.  I should, really.  That might help that.

But Haruhi herself coming across as weak....  That's intentional, by-and-large.  She should seem more like her old self in the epilogue, but dream-world-Haruhi is a Haruhi that knows what powers she has.  It's critical for me to display the schism of reality being Haruhi attempting to sacrifice herself for Kyon's joy -- or what she thinks, anyway.  The Mikuru/Kyon interaction where Mikuru and Kyon don't quite confess to eachother was probably my best shot at actually conveying that; I might rework the scene, but don't want to overplay it.  I can work more into the Yuki/Kyon interactions in chapters 1 and 4, too.

The main problem with the fic (from my perspective) is that Haruhi takes a completely backseat role to the other characters, and gets no real development time.  In fact, her breakdown in the end (which will be reworked, I promise), was supposed to show how she gets back to who she was from what she became.

After all that, I wanted the epilogue to be heartwarming.  But I wrote the entire final chapter+epilogue in a mad rush (with a single pause to develop a new recipe for bachelors; we call it 'Satay du Fury', and it is spicy), and I was struggling with sleep when I finished.  Then I slapped it on the web and passed out (typical; I'm an insomniac, except when I'm inspired :/).

So with luck, the story will emerge stronger, though Haruhi's characterization will probably still be relatively weak.  That's okay.  She gets center-stage in tCoSH.  :)

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment, that means a lot to me. :D

[Anastasia]

As far as the weak points, I can't revise immediately (maybe later tonight), but what do you think could address those weak point? I know the ending feels flat -- very rushed -- before the epilogue. I can add more detail, and actually work on Kyon's relative despair at his situation before everything goes out. I should, really. That might help that.

That sure couldn't hurt. Not much to add to that, more below.

The main problem with the fic (from my perspective) is that Haruhi takes a completely backseat role to the other characters, and gets no real development time.

Heh, I think you hit on a lot of the problem. For all her energy and gumption in canon, Haruhi comes somewhat closing to being a static character. While she is illuminated and clarified as it goes on, I never thought she went through all that much in the way of raw development. That was reserved for the rest of the cast, which was a nice clash and part of why Haruhi worked so well. This is trying the opposite - giving Haruhi minimal time while considerable changing her about. Maybe you're overbiting, trying to change the status quo on the focus of the series while simultaneously not focusing on it?

I dunno. I'm not sure if I believe that or if I got it out quite right. Just hmph, you know? There's something to that, but I can't put my proverbial giant internet finger on it. You're right about the main part of the story's problem, however.

In fact, her breakdown in the end (which will be reworked, I promise), was supposed to show how she gets back to who she was from what she became.

Heh. Here's the Catch-22. I'd like to see more time with Haruhi talking about her state when she's aware of it. It's the huge posed question by the series, and it's fun to see someone explore it. How does God act when She finds out she's God?

Though interestingly, you imply that Haruhi does have some limits? She couldn't or wouldn't make Kyon outrun her, for example.

After all that, I wanted the epilogue to be heartwarming.

Heartwarming is good, but I rather wish it had been a little more in the middle. For all that Kyon's plan is witty and quite daring, it would've been cool if the result had been more of a middle ground. Maybe I'm just a sucker for seeing how you'd play out the what ifs there.

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment, that means a lot to me. :D

It's a helluva story, just keep writing more about Mikuru and Haruhi and Yuki and Kyon and that other Esper guy who I always mangle his name for. Loser.